Wow. Today has been quite exciting.
I haven’t gone anywhere, but have just been sitting in my little apartment praying and meditating most of the morning.
A guy i like called me this morning and told me that he wanted to talk to me later this evening… He’s a really good friend (and a cutie!)and i kind of have a crush on him, but i wonder what i’d do if he wants to be more than friends. Yikes!
The thought that my ex might actually show up at my doorstep any second and make good on all his fantastic promises is still lodged somewhere in my brain and I’m afraid to start something new, especially with this guy, because he’s so sweet i’d probably never break up with him, and i’m pretty sure that at some point, ex is gonna come back.
Dilemna indeed. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Nothing or something… It’s been my experience that once I decide to put the past behind me, the rest is easy. The hard part is making the decision that you never want to be with someone again, or accepting that you’re never going to be with someone again, even though you might have really Loved them more than anything in the world. How do you do that when you Loved someone?
This is what i’m going to do. I’m going to give this over to God and continue to do the things that I am clear about. I finally know what that means. I have come out of enough storms in my life, without thinking myself through them, to have reason to believe that there is a power greater than me that can solve any problem. I have reason to believe that God wants our lives to be good lives, even great lives. I have reason to believe that God is for us and not against us.
With that in mind, I’m going to lean on God and give this decision over to Him, because it’s an important decision, choosing who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. I have already decided that I am making a commitment to living my purpose here on Earth, now I am choosing to accept a life partner who is perfect for me in every way, whatever that means. I allow myself to have clarity on this matter, and I thankfully and humbly allow you to do the work, God. Ameen.
Day 14
Lean on God
This morning was wonderful… I listened to a speaker speak and was encouraged…
I admire the people who are bold enough to step into their life’s mission, who dare stand up in front of a crowd and speak about what they have found to be true, who open their voices and sing, rap, dance, draw, teach, help, build… who have the audacity to walk outside and introduce and expose themselves to someone they have never met before.
And I think that is one of the greatest gifts in life. Getting to know each other. I have been holding back. I have been afraid of so much, but what good is a gift if it is kept in a vacuum? Why do we go to school, learn skills, even learn to talk, if it’s not so that we can share with each other?
As I am continuing with writing these blogs, and reading the comments, emails, and other communications, I realize that we are all experiencing life on so many levels and from so many different viewpoints. You can’t be responsible for another person’s viewpoint, but you can be responsible for trying to communicate your intention the best way you know how.
My intention here is to share, communicate, express, help people know that they are not alone in their quests for self-fulfillment, open up a space where people feel comfortable being honest, and finally, help myself by having an audience that holds me accountable for moving forward.
Something in the air has shifted today and I feel like I have a calling on my life… I mean, everyone has a calling on their life, whether it’s to be somebody’s daddy, lead a nation, or be the girl who sings a song that touches a man who decides to change for the better. I know that at some point, i’m going to help a lot of people come into their own, and i have to start somewhere. I am burning to come out.
I’d like to remember this day. The day that I decided to truly give of myself all that I can give to the world. The day that I decided to live my life with the knowledge that life is good and I, and we, have so much to offer. What is it, you ask? I can show you better then I can tell you.
I’m coming out, like the song goes, and I want the world to see.
And I am so, so, so, so so very grateful for this moment. Ameen.
Day 13
Come Out
Nothing lasts without practice. It has been a little over two weeks since I have embarked on this endeavor to make it to the other side of happy and create the life of my dreams, and I am glad to say that life is changing already…
I found a wonderful new place to live, got out of a dysfunctional relationship, i sent my children’s book out into the world, my brother got his car back, and i started back writing my script. I Love this process. I Love being able to share, and today I am excited!
I am growing up, and this time growing up doesn’t make me feel like an old lady, it makes me feel wise, and this time i am ok with feeling wise. i am standing up in the knowledge that it is all right to be all right and make it to the other side.
So, the psychologists say that it takes 28 days for the human brain to make a change. I know that the thing that makes change stick is practice, and so I’m going to start practicing and I’m making myself accountable to you. One day things will be different, but right now, it helps to have someone to give account to.
As a daily practice, every day I’m going reinforce and practice these concepts:
1. Get off the Bed- even if I feel sad or lazy
2. Remember that Help is Everywhere- and look for one instance in my day where I have been helped by an outside source.
3. Fight for It- Write my script for at least two hours, even if my head starts hurting and i feel sick, lol
4. Do the Work – Make a reasonable “to-do” list, and complete it before the day is over
5. Keep Moving – Daily, find a relationship/idea that is no longer constructive in my life and allow myself to let it go deep down in my spirit and subconscious mind.
6. Dreams Come True – Find one place in my life where I am already living a dream and be thankful for it on a daily basis
7. It’s all Right to Be All Right- Daily, I’m going to remind myself that It’s all Right to be All Right, Happy, Great, Powerful, Peaceful, Righteous, Beautiful, Successful, Giving, Loving, Kind, Caring, Cared For, Loved, etc. This one sounds fun!
8. Create Your Own World – Spend time visioning on what my dream life really looks like, and then I am going to ask God what His dream life for me looks like. This one is heavy. After I come up with an answer, I am going to practice accepting that it’s all right to have this dream life.
9. Get it Done- Finish one uncompleted task from the past a day
10. Pray- daily, no matter what
11. Stay on Purpose- Write a life mission/purpose statement. Yes, a purpose statement, like what I’d like to do on this Earth literally.
OK. This is a lot, and I’m being realistic about what I can do and when. I know this is corny and systematic, but systematic seems to be the way I am able to get things done.
I’m going to start by writing all twelve of these actions on a card and posting them on my wall today. Realistically, I can make these all a part of my daily practice, but not all at once. So, what I’ll do, I’ll start with at least one a day, whichever one speaks to me most, and I’ll add one a day (or more if I’m up to it) until I get to all 11. So in twelve days this will be a routine.
I’m excited! Thanks for being with me. 🙂
Day 12
Practice, Practice, Practice
I’m super late this morning. Sorry. I went to bed after the sunrise and woke up after the later sunrise. I’ve been experimenting with socializing and I’m still learning how to strike a balance.
I wrote some more on my script yesterday in spite of my heart feeling like it was being squished and I’m glad to know that I can still move forward even when I don’t feel like.
I am drawn inwards to remember the purpose of writing this blog and the deeper question, “what is the purpose of anything?’, comes to mind. In the Q’uran it says that man and Jinn were created to worship/serve God… Other religious and spiritual teachings say similar things, and as a child, that always confused me, because what does that mean??? What are we supposed to do?
We were always taught what not to do: Don’t cheat, steal, lie, gossip, have sex before marriage and then as far as things to do we were supposed to pray, fast, take a pilgrimage, give charity, and profess that we believe in God and His messengers, but what comes after that? What do we do in the day to day after we wake up? Write a blog? Get a job? Travel? Marry someone and take care of kids? Start a business? What kind of business? Get a heal the world/serve the people type job? Go to the beach and appreciate the water? Try to convert folks? Pray and meditate all day? Express/share your gifts/talents/self with folks?
I am surprised at how few people actually ponder this question and I am curious to know what you think. What is the purpose of life, and if we were created to worship/serve God, what exactly does that mean?
Please share your comments. Peace and Blessings
Day 11
Stay on Purpose
Good morning. I woke up feeling, well, off this morning. My heart actually physically hurts and i don’t know what set this off…
I have been here before… It is the doorway of confusion. Things start looking cloudy, the bed gets oh so tempting, i start hanging out with ex boyfriends and conveniently forgetting why we broke up, my apartment gets dirty…
Over time, I have become an expert as dis-attaching myself from my emotions so that i can function in the world. Luckily for me, my body always tells me what is really going on, either with pain in my back, tingling fingers (in a good way), hair loss, hair growth, bright or dull eyes… so my heart hurts this morning, all of a sudden out of the blue… i’ll pay attention and figure out what it is i’ve been avoiding…
I’ve gotten so much encouragement since I started writing this blog, along with people calling me asking “baby, are you all right?” and giving me suggestions on how to navigate this earth happily. I appreciate the Love. I appreciate the concern. People care about each other. Don’t believe the hype. Deep down, we want to care about each other so much.
I’m not even going to try to think my way out of this funk this morning, because i don’t know where it came from. I’m going to the Omnipotent, Omniscient One who has all the answers. I am glad to know that there are answers beyond my vision and understanding… I’m going to say my prayers. I’m going to count my blessings, as someone suggested. Thank you.
Day 10
Pray
I didn’t write last night, or this morning before the sun came up like i usually do.
I went to say my prayers last night and then fell asleep on the prayer mat. I’m feeling really tired. yesterday I hung out with a friend most of the day and when I got home I was exhausted. I’ve been on go for the past week or so, but all circuits crashed last night.
I didn’t really cry yesterday. I guess I kind of did while I was praying, but not a cry cry. I guess I was just begging God to help my living situation turn out all right and to give me the strength and wisdom to know what I’m supposed to do and then act on it and be able to accept blessings when they come, and i dropped some tears…
Lately, like in the past two weeks or so since I started this blog, I’ve been getting a lot of requests and invitations to spend time with folks. People I haven’t spoken to for years have been coming our of the woodworks wanting to go for lunch, etc. Is something wrong with me if i would rather spend my time working on my writing and organizing my life than go to a fancy party or dinner with someone?
I have known workaholics before and even counseled them on living balanced lives, but right now i feel like i’m becoming one. It’s like there’s nothing else I’d rather do than complete the projects that I’ve had on the shelf for so long and get my life in order. I feel guilty because I want the people i care about to know that i care about them, but i’m just wondering, Where does everyone else get all this free time from???
I’ve read books and stories about artists and creative types and many of them spend months at a time locked up in some room somewhere so they can finish stuff. I think i’m going to become one of them and lock myself in a room somewhere for some time. I’ve got work to do, and it’s not even about me. I’m not special or chosen or trying to make anyone proud or anything like that. I’ve just work to do here, and I got to get it done. I got to get it done.
Day 9
Get it Done
My sister says I live in my own world… She’s probably right, but don’t we all?
I have lived with several different roommates over the past few years and I am amazed and in awe about the different paradigms that we all operate from. Some people spend their time watching TV all day and finding ways to distract themselves and others never turn on the tube and spend most of the time in their own head. I used to have a roommate who went running in nature early in the morning and left fresh picked oranges by my doorstep.
I have hung out with girls who believe that “if you got it, flaunt it” and still others who think that a woman “must veil their beauty and be modest”, people who never seem to have or want a job, and others who wouldn’t even think of living without a 9 to 5… Some people bring drama, disaster and heartache into every situation and others light up a room. today I talked to a long distance friend and realized how even from miles away, his enthusiasm for life was contagious and i was glowing after our conversation.
We do that to each other, bring each other into our own worlds. A recent roommate of mine helped me to realize that most times when we interact with each other, one person’s worldview dominates the other’s. Most of us are unaware of the dynamic we are engaging in, but the crafty (and sometimes the wise, the smart and the stupid) go into relationships with a mission to bend the wills of others to suit their own desires. We affect each other either way it goes.
Deepak Chopra says that relationship dynamics are one of three ways: either someone wants to give something to you, someone wants to take something from you, or someone doesn’t care either way it goes.
As I am creating this new life for myself, I am learning to ask myself the questions: D o i want to be in this or that person’s world? What’s really going on here? Is this person trying to drag me into their world (and do i want to be there) or are they all right with me being in my own? I think we can create our own worlds if we are aware of what it is we are trying to create.
Life is getting better and better… Thank you for reading.
Day 8
Create Your Own World
Today was a good day. I don’t believe I cried at all, or even thought about it. I was too busy living.
It’s interesting to me how life can change so suddenly. One day you’re down and out, lonely on a computer with no one to talk to, and in a day, you can meet someone, get a new job, finish a project you’ve been working on forever, find out you’re having a baby, move somewhere else, etc, and the trajectory of your life changes just like that.
Everything is changing for me right now. Really. Everything. I’ll be moving somewhere new in the next few weeks, I am completing projects that have been sitting on the shelf for years and finally sending them out into the world, and I am not worried about anything even though I don’t know how things are going to turn out!!! This is the newest part for me. Maybe I have finally fallen off the rocker indeed…
You know what I’m worried about the most? Life is changing for the better so fast, I am wondering what I’m going to talk about when I’m done talking about all the sad stuff? Who wants to hear about people being happy when they are sad??? What do you do when you are done struggling, fighting, cussing, and punching everyone (including yourself) in the face? How does it feel to actually be able to eat, buy, go, and do anything you would like and be happy?
I know we all say that we dream of being this, that, and the other, but I will be the first to admit that the dream has always been this lofty thing on the other side. I’ve never really believed that I would be one of those people. You know, the ones that do stuff in the world, that love their jobs, the ones who have fulfilling relationships. A part of me has even resented those people and wonders how dare they be so happy when we are all suffering so much. It’s just not right.
It’s a thought to be dealt with. Because how can you get to the other side if you feel like you shouldn’t get there because it’s not fair…
Today I heard a speaker talk about how many of us are not ready to accept our blessings when they come, and so we sabotage ourselves because secretly we don’t believe that we should have or be the things we want to have or be… He suggested that if you would like to make it to the other side, then you work at cultivating a consciousness of acceptance of your good. For me, that means I have to work at knowing and believing that it’s all right to be all right.
I can do that…
Day 7
It’s all right to be all right
I’m not quite sure where to start today, but I’m writing this one with my eyes closed so that I can get out of my analytical mind.
I know that the logic mind is the one we are trained to respect, but there is value to the intuitive part of us that feels as well.
It’s early morning and I’ve been up all night just so that I could type this and say that I’m a woman of my word, and I’m proud to say, I AM. It was hard, i aint gon lie. It was hard to get off the bed today, and i almost went to sleep without writing my ten pages or sending my query letter.
but around eleven pm, a friend of me, who reads my blog, called me and reminded me to get up and be a woman of my word. and i did. i finished the first sequence of my script (it turned out to be seven pages, which i’ll trim to five, but even better!), and i wrote a heart-felt query letter for my children’s book and even typed up a fancy envelope which i put it in.
and im thinking about a time in my life when i was about eleven years old and i was a weirdo outcast in school and i didnt have a friend in the world besides my journal and i wished that i could share things with someone, anyone. and i never would have imagined that one day somebody would call me, a friend would call me, to remind me to keep moving towards my goals.
and today i am grateful. because one of my lifelong dreams have come true. i have a friend. i have more than one, but one is enough to bring me to my knees and say that anything is possible. why did anyone tell me that life could be good???
i said i was gonna talk about rewards and punishments, and i don’t really want to anymore, but i’ll keep my word… i think we never really know whether we are being punished or rewarded until the end. the best we can do is keep our conscience clean. for me, that means saying sorry when i know i’m wrong, doing what i truly believe is right, and being honest with myself when i know i don’t know. it’s getting easier for me to believe that life can be magnificent.
So many of our dreams have already come true. Thank you God.
Day Six
Dreams do Come True. Recognize.
I didn’t write last night. I went to sleep instead. It’s morning time and I usually write these late in the evening when the world is asleep, so this one will be short.
I wanted to write my ten pages and send out that query letter before I posting a new blog, since I said I was gonna do it, but the beckoning of the bed was strong, and my day was long, so I went to sleep.
I forgive me. I hope you do too. I’ll do better today. I am learning to become a woman of my word. Part of that is being realistic about where you are in life so that you can accurately predict what you are willing and able to do. Lately, my hands tremble and I have trouble breathing whenever I make a forward move, so I recognize that I am experiencing some serious resistance to progress.
My intention and desire to move forward and live the life that I was designed to live are greater than anything else right now, so I’m sure that with God’s help, I will overcome these self-destructive patterns. But for now, please be easy on me.
I’ve been thinking about this whole thing about punishments and rewards, and will elaborate on it later tonight. Just a thought. Many of us look at our lives, especially when we are going through difficulties and say “oh, we must be being punished for this, that, or the other'”. Sometimes, however, our struggles are the foundations of the greater things to come and then in hind-site we say, “oh, that time in life was the biggest blessing I’ve ever had”. How do you know the difference? Any thoughts?
I’ve got to go find a place to live, pack my things, and write a query letter, ten pages of a script, and maybe go to dance class, so I’ll get back later this evening. I guess this isn’t an official day day since I flaked out last night, so I won’t count it as one.
oh- I DIDN’T CRY YESTERDAY!!!
Be easy.
hownottocryeveryday 