I was washing clothes this morning and I couldn’t find my roll of quarters and it almost broke me, and then a friend called (at 4am) to ask how I was doing. He suggested i look in the washer, and voila, there they were. Help is really everywhere.
I’m feeling quite exhausted. I have been on go for the past few days with very little sleep, and today isn’t going to be any different. I have to finish a job application, rewrite a writing submission that i sent in earlier this week (i think it’s a good thing that they gave me notes and actually asked me to rewrite some things), go to two different jobs, hopefully, hopefully go put a deposit down on an apartment that I saw yesterday, and then finish packing my stuff so i can move out of this apartment by tomorrow.
They say it takes 28 days to make a change. I’m on day 17, but it seems like a long time. Sometimes I feel like running back to my momma or finding somebody to wave a magic wand that will make everything OK. I don’t know what keeps me going, but I think it’s the knowledge that if I don’t keep going my life is gonna suck… Motivational, i guess. It’s the stubborn inability to settle for less than who I am. It’s the commitment that i made and somewhere it’s even a feeling of responsibility. I have quit many-a-thing before but this time I’m going to keep at it. I have to…
Day 17
Be Consistent
Well, lets just say the nitty got gritty.
I didn’t have time to write yesterday. I was busy trying to sort out where I’m going to live in the next few days and meet some job deadlines.
I’m smiling this morning. For no good reason except that I know everything is going to be all right. Think about it. I have led a life of many struggles (some of which I didn’t have to go through), but there has never been a time when I didn’t have water or food or a place to sleep or someone somewhere to love (a luxury) or someone who loved me. I don’t see why this time should be an exception.
I cried my butt off yesterday, but I’m proud to say it didn’t last. I found out that I wasn’t gonna be able to move into my dream apartment for various reasons and I still have to get out of the one I’m in a few days, and so of course i was devastated and tired. I’m gonna miss this place. I put a lot of love into making a really raggedy situation into something nice, a home almost. I even painted the walls…
This is a part of it. The part where things don’t go as planned and you don’t break down. The part where I embrace change and allow the old to die. There’s no way around it. I am the alchemist and this is my story. I trust that things will turn out well.
Day 16
Everything Is Going To Be All Right
Love Lives in open places…
He called, and put his heart on the chopping block to see what i would do… He is brave… We’ll see.
I am up before the sun today feeling like everything is possible.
And i think God plants seeds in open spaces. It is up to us to till the soil.
Time to get to the nitty gritty…
Day 15
Let Love and Life Live
Alhamdullilah
Wow. Today has been quite exciting.
I haven’t gone anywhere, but have just been sitting in my little apartment praying and meditating most of the morning.
A guy i like called me this morning and told me that he wanted to talk to me later this evening… He’s a really good friend (and a cutie!)and i kind of have a crush on him, but i wonder what i’d do if he wants to be more than friends. Yikes!
The thought that my ex might actually show up at my doorstep any second and make good on all his fantastic promises is still lodged somewhere in my brain and I’m afraid to start something new, especially with this guy, because he’s so sweet i’d probably never break up with him, and i’m pretty sure that at some point, ex is gonna come back.
Dilemna indeed. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Nothing or something… It’s been my experience that once I decide to put the past behind me, the rest is easy. The hard part is making the decision that you never want to be with someone again, or accepting that you’re never going to be with someone again, even though you might have really Loved them more than anything in the world. How do you do that when you Loved someone?
This is what i’m going to do. I’m going to give this over to God and continue to do the things that I am clear about. I finally know what that means. I have come out of enough storms in my life, without thinking myself through them, to have reason to believe that there is a power greater than me that can solve any problem. I have reason to believe that God wants our lives to be good lives, even great lives. I have reason to believe that God is for us and not against us.
With that in mind, I’m going to lean on God and give this decision over to Him, because it’s an important decision, choosing who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. I have already decided that I am making a commitment to living my purpose here on Earth, now I am choosing to accept a life partner who is perfect for me in every way, whatever that means. I allow myself to have clarity on this matter, and I thankfully and humbly allow you to do the work, God. Ameen.
Day 14
Lean on God
This morning was wonderful… I listened to a speaker speak and was encouraged…
I admire the people who are bold enough to step into their life’s mission, who dare stand up in front of a crowd and speak about what they have found to be true, who open their voices and sing, rap, dance, draw, teach, help, build… who have the audacity to walk outside and introduce and expose themselves to someone they have never met before.
And I think that is one of the greatest gifts in life. Getting to know each other. I have been holding back. I have been afraid of so much, but what good is a gift if it is kept in a vacuum? Why do we go to school, learn skills, even learn to talk, if it’s not so that we can share with each other?
As I am continuing with writing these blogs, and reading the comments, emails, and other communications, I realize that we are all experiencing life on so many levels and from so many different viewpoints. You can’t be responsible for another person’s viewpoint, but you can be responsible for trying to communicate your intention the best way you know how.
My intention here is to share, communicate, express, help people know that they are not alone in their quests for self-fulfillment, open up a space where people feel comfortable being honest, and finally, help myself by having an audience that holds me accountable for moving forward.
Something in the air has shifted today and I feel like I have a calling on my life… I mean, everyone has a calling on their life, whether it’s to be somebody’s daddy, lead a nation, or be the girl who sings a song that touches a man who decides to change for the better. I know that at some point, i’m going to help a lot of people come into their own, and i have to start somewhere. I am burning to come out.
I’d like to remember this day. The day that I decided to truly give of myself all that I can give to the world. The day that I decided to live my life with the knowledge that life is good and I, and we, have so much to offer. What is it, you ask? I can show you better then I can tell you.
I’m coming out, like the song goes, and I want the world to see.
And I am so, so, so, so so very grateful for this moment. Ameen.
Day 13
Come Out
Nothing lasts without practice. It has been a little over two weeks since I have embarked on this endeavor to make it to the other side of happy and create the life of my dreams, and I am glad to say that life is changing already…
I found a wonderful new place to live, got out of a dysfunctional relationship, i sent my children’s book out into the world, my brother got his car back, and i started back writing my script. I Love this process. I Love being able to share, and today I am excited!
I am growing up, and this time growing up doesn’t make me feel like an old lady, it makes me feel wise, and this time i am ok with feeling wise. i am standing up in the knowledge that it is all right to be all right and make it to the other side.
So, the psychologists say that it takes 28 days for the human brain to make a change. I know that the thing that makes change stick is practice, and so I’m going to start practicing and I’m making myself accountable to you. One day things will be different, but right now, it helps to have someone to give account to.
As a daily practice, every day I’m going reinforce and practice these concepts:
1. Get off the Bed- even if I feel sad or lazy
2. Remember that Help is Everywhere- and look for one instance in my day where I have been helped by an outside source.
3. Fight for It- Write my script for at least two hours, even if my head starts hurting and i feel sick, lol
4. Do the Work – Make a reasonable “to-do” list, and complete it before the day is over
5. Keep Moving – Daily, find a relationship/idea that is no longer constructive in my life and allow myself to let it go deep down in my spirit and subconscious mind.
6. Dreams Come True – Find one place in my life where I am already living a dream and be thankful for it on a daily basis
7. It’s all Right to Be All Right- Daily, I’m going to remind myself that It’s all Right to be All Right, Happy, Great, Powerful, Peaceful, Righteous, Beautiful, Successful, Giving, Loving, Kind, Caring, Cared For, Loved, etc. This one sounds fun!
8. Create Your Own World – Spend time visioning on what my dream life really looks like, and then I am going to ask God what His dream life for me looks like. This one is heavy. After I come up with an answer, I am going to practice accepting that it’s all right to have this dream life.
9. Get it Done- Finish one uncompleted task from the past a day
10. Pray- daily, no matter what
11. Stay on Purpose- Write a life mission/purpose statement. Yes, a purpose statement, like what I’d like to do on this Earth literally.
OK. This is a lot, and I’m being realistic about what I can do and when. I know this is corny and systematic, but systematic seems to be the way I am able to get things done.
I’m going to start by writing all twelve of these actions on a card and posting them on my wall today. Realistically, I can make these all a part of my daily practice, but not all at once. So, what I’ll do, I’ll start with at least one a day, whichever one speaks to me most, and I’ll add one a day (or more if I’m up to it) until I get to all 11. So in twelve days this will be a routine.
I’m excited! Thanks for being with me. 🙂
Day 12
Practice, Practice, Practice
I’m super late this morning. Sorry. I went to bed after the sunrise and woke up after the later sunrise. I’ve been experimenting with socializing and I’m still learning how to strike a balance.
I wrote some more on my script yesterday in spite of my heart feeling like it was being squished and I’m glad to know that I can still move forward even when I don’t feel like.
I am drawn inwards to remember the purpose of writing this blog and the deeper question, “what is the purpose of anything?’, comes to mind. In the Q’uran it says that man and Jinn were created to worship/serve God… Other religious and spiritual teachings say similar things, and as a child, that always confused me, because what does that mean??? What are we supposed to do?
We were always taught what not to do: Don’t cheat, steal, lie, gossip, have sex before marriage and then as far as things to do we were supposed to pray, fast, take a pilgrimage, give charity, and profess that we believe in God and His messengers, but what comes after that? What do we do in the day to day after we wake up? Write a blog? Get a job? Travel? Marry someone and take care of kids? Start a business? What kind of business? Get a heal the world/serve the people type job? Go to the beach and appreciate the water? Try to convert folks? Pray and meditate all day? Express/share your gifts/talents/self with folks?
I am surprised at how few people actually ponder this question and I am curious to know what you think. What is the purpose of life, and if we were created to worship/serve God, what exactly does that mean?
Please share your comments. Peace and Blessings
Day 11
Stay on Purpose
Good morning. I woke up feeling, well, off this morning. My heart actually physically hurts and i don’t know what set this off…
I have been here before… It is the doorway of confusion. Things start looking cloudy, the bed gets oh so tempting, i start hanging out with ex boyfriends and conveniently forgetting why we broke up, my apartment gets dirty…
Over time, I have become an expert as dis-attaching myself from my emotions so that i can function in the world. Luckily for me, my body always tells me what is really going on, either with pain in my back, tingling fingers (in a good way), hair loss, hair growth, bright or dull eyes… so my heart hurts this morning, all of a sudden out of the blue… i’ll pay attention and figure out what it is i’ve been avoiding…
I’ve gotten so much encouragement since I started writing this blog, along with people calling me asking “baby, are you all right?” and giving me suggestions on how to navigate this earth happily. I appreciate the Love. I appreciate the concern. People care about each other. Don’t believe the hype. Deep down, we want to care about each other so much.
I’m not even going to try to think my way out of this funk this morning, because i don’t know where it came from. I’m going to the Omnipotent, Omniscient One who has all the answers. I am glad to know that there are answers beyond my vision and understanding… I’m going to say my prayers. I’m going to count my blessings, as someone suggested. Thank you.
Day 10
Pray
I didn’t write last night, or this morning before the sun came up like i usually do.
I went to say my prayers last night and then fell asleep on the prayer mat. I’m feeling really tired. yesterday I hung out with a friend most of the day and when I got home I was exhausted. I’ve been on go for the past week or so, but all circuits crashed last night.
I didn’t really cry yesterday. I guess I kind of did while I was praying, but not a cry cry. I guess I was just begging God to help my living situation turn out all right and to give me the strength and wisdom to know what I’m supposed to do and then act on it and be able to accept blessings when they come, and i dropped some tears…
Lately, like in the past two weeks or so since I started this blog, I’ve been getting a lot of requests and invitations to spend time with folks. People I haven’t spoken to for years have been coming our of the woodworks wanting to go for lunch, etc. Is something wrong with me if i would rather spend my time working on my writing and organizing my life than go to a fancy party or dinner with someone?
I have known workaholics before and even counseled them on living balanced lives, but right now i feel like i’m becoming one. It’s like there’s nothing else I’d rather do than complete the projects that I’ve had on the shelf for so long and get my life in order. I feel guilty because I want the people i care about to know that i care about them, but i’m just wondering, Where does everyone else get all this free time from???
I’ve read books and stories about artists and creative types and many of them spend months at a time locked up in some room somewhere so they can finish stuff. I think i’m going to become one of them and lock myself in a room somewhere for some time. I’ve got work to do, and it’s not even about me. I’m not special or chosen or trying to make anyone proud or anything like that. I’ve just work to do here, and I got to get it done. I got to get it done.
Day 9
Get it Done
