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Hi- What this Blog is About

Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.

I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”

I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.

You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.

So I think it’s best that I write this blog…

Where This Comes From

In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry,  I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.

I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later,  in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.

I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…

We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…

Why This Comes

My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.

It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing.  Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …

Structure

This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections.  It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and  “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.

It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…

If you are interested in being updated on new posts, please subscribe.

There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…

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Day 483 – The In-Between

Hey,

So, I’ve written about four blog entries since my last one, but haven’t posted any of them. I’m kind of out of sorts. Not depressed or sad or mad or happy or any of those feelings. Out of it. Have a teleconference in 30 min. My first decently paid writing job. Helping someone rewrite a movie and we have a phone conference scheduled….

So I guess I have 30 min to spill my guts out and get centered some kind of way. They talk about this place – the place that I’m at – at my spiritual center. It’s like you are at the end of one way of being, but you are not quite at the beginning of the new way of being, and so you are in the in between, where nothing makes sense.

You are not motivated by the things that used to motivate you and the goals that used to focus you are no longer your goals. I asked God to take me back to the beginning, to the place I was at before I got programmed into having all the beliefs and goals I had. Nothing made sense anymore.

Right now I am in a big house that is owned by my sister – an MD who is married to an engineer and who has two lovely kids and a dog, and who is pregnant with her third child. This is the dream. She is living the American dream. And I asked myself, do I want to live this dream?

And I couldn’t say yes. Don’t get me wrong. It’s lovely. Money is lovely. And having a life partner is lovely. And kids are lovely if you want them. And working at the career you want is lovely. And living in a house that has enough space and that is near nature is lovely.

But I couldn’t get myself to sit down and pray for these things. I couldn’t get myself to sit down and pray for anything. It all seemed so silly to me. I didn’t know what to pray for. And then the idea of sitting and always asking and praying and working for more, more, more seemed silly, too. I saw us humans, including myself, as a bunch of little ants, just running to and fro, gathering mounds of dust, hating each other, envying each other, hating ourselves for all of the things that one didn’t do for another… And I became uninterested…

I am picking up the feelings of the people who live here, You whisper to my Soul, and I am grateful for this sudden revelation. This is an awakening that I’m experiencing. That is what it’s called. I am here, in the ant world, and I choose to be here as ant, but I am more than an ant as well.

You tell me that I am the guide, and these thoughts seem blasphemous to me. Who am in relationship to You? Who am I, God, and what am I doing here? Really. Who am I?

I am interested in giving now. I am interested in sharing. And I see that our world is not set up this way. Am I one of the people to usher in a new way of being? I would be honored to be this. Can you imagine the prophets and saints and teachers of our world? These are the parts of their lives that no one ever speaks of. They were not of their time. Do you know how lonely and confused they must have been? The things of their world did not make sense to them, and people hated them for their new way of being. People tried to kill them. Kill them! They shunned them because they couldn’t get with the program of the world they were in. Most of them died by the hands of the people they were trying to help, but oh, what mighty lives they lived!

I think I am here to help with something bigger than myself. I am a part of a mission greater than myself. I want to be who I am, Allah. I want to be who I am. I choose to be who I am. How do I know what to choose? How do I know what do next? How do I know what to focus on? How do I know where to live? Who to live with? How can I be the guide if You are the guide? “Finish what you started” is the only message that comes. And so I will. Thank You. Ameen.

Dy 483
The In-Between

Day 482 – Ameen

My heart is full.

I’m sitting in a room. An instrumental lullaby plays from a little music player. On a bunkbed to my left, two small children, a five-year-old, and a 3-year-old, fall asleep. They are my niece and nephew. They are Love.

I am in Colorado. Visiting my sister. Becoming aware of how much Love I have been missing out on. My niece and nephew welcome me with open arms, unguarded. Nothing between us but love. They smile as big as they feel. They hug as deep as they feel. They play freely.

My sister has things like bedrooms and real furniture and a home that feels like people live here. And I am aware that my life must change. Very soon.

I have been missing out on all the good things. Dance camp. Now here. A home. Love. Openness. True openness. It’s different than just having people around. True openness where there is nothing but love between you and another. I have been missing out.

Thank You, Allah, for letting me come here. Thank you, Allah, for this past month of so much beauty and Love. Thank you for letting me see so many ways that we can be and live.

I guess we are here again. At another crossroads. My Life must change. I must change. I can’t go to dance camp and now here and then go back to the life I had. I will shrivel up and die, knowing now how good life can be.

I want to write about the nonsense and tomfoolery that has happened over the past month – I called the cops on a sub-letter and kicked them out because they said they were going to stay in my apartment and not pay me rent for a month… In the course of a week, I started flirting with and/or dating four different guys and ended it with all of them before the week was over. Met another guy I kind of liked, number five, but he was so mean, and I realized I don’t like mean guys anymore.

I used to like mean guys. Go figure. Used to be intrigued by their trickery, be compelled to see the good in them and try and exhume it – I didn’t even think of this consciously. I just used to be ok with assholes. Don’t take me out on a date? That’s ok. Forget a birthday? No problem. Cheat on me or have suspect behavior that makes me feel like shit? No worries. Only answer my calls sporadically and never when I need something? Don’t notice me? Don’t ever really ask me anything about anything that doesn’t concern you? Welcome, I would say. Let me save you. Let me show you how good you can be. Hurt me and don’t say sorry? Welcome was my word. Make shit hard just because you don’t believe in easy? Have no intention or plan to build anything with me? OK. I didn’t even used to notice, at least not consciously. I just want to say it out loud, OK? I used to be that girl. The girl who was so ok with bullshit. I’m not that girl anymore.

I’m not a girl anymore… I told mean guy number five he can’t be mean to me. He can’t hang out with me – he’s too mean. And it wasn’t a game. I didn’t say it so that he could come back and try to be nice. He needs some therapy or a life changing event before he can be nice to anyone. I said he can’t hang out with me and be mean to me, because it was about me. No one can hang out with me and be mean to me anymore. They just don’t get to do that to me. That sounds small when I write it, but it’s so huge to me. It’s so big for me to say, just like a little kid, “I’m not gonna be your friend if you’re mean. I only hang out with friends who are nice to me.”

We’ve been in the mud for a long time. A long, long time. But the sun has touched my skin recently. The sun is baptizing me. I was baptized by fire and renewed by water.

So much happens in our lives. Imagine, for most of us, at some point or another, someone sat with us while we slept and asked God, the world, the Earth, to bless us, just as I am sitting here with these sweet children, asking You, God, to bless them. Asking You to keep them safe. Asking You to let them not lose this Love that they have, and if they should lose it for a moment, let them come back home soon.

And for my life? For me, Allah, I am ready now. Tell me what I need to do. I will do it. I humbly surrender to Your will. I humbly align my heart and my will with my soul’s purpose here. I’ve been starving. Oh, I’ve been so many things. Now, I would like to be alive…

Ameen

Day 482
Ameen

Day 481 – To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

What a day to be alive.

I am overflowing with gratitude. I am coming to understand something bigger than me, and what a day to be alive.

Love. Love is bigger than me. I don’t want to preach today. I don’t want to tell you about all of the rollercoasters that are always waiting to be ridden once I step outside of my house.

I want to mention, though, about my sub-letters, a brother and sister who had been living in my apartment since mid August and who were supposed to be staying in my apartment for the month of September and who decided to tell me on September 1 that they would indeed be living in my apartment, but they were not going to pay me to live there. -_-

I had quite an adventure figuring out what to do about them a couple days ago. But I did the right thing. In the midst of the drama, I prayed and I asked God what I should do. I asked what action would bring the highest possible results for everyone involved. And I did the right thing. I kicked their asses out.

Now I am sitting outside on the patio of my mom’s residence. Crickets are chirping. It’s 11:06pm. Mom and I talked today. Just talked and bonded. And I Love her like I never did before. I just love her. I know she’s not perfect. I know she’s got all kinds of issues and there are things that I don’t like about her personality, etc. But there are things that I Love about her. Like I Love how she will give her last dime to help people. I Love how giving she is. I Love that she’s really brilliant and wise and strong and she takes action on things. I love how she calls a spade a spade and can’t fake about things even when she tries. I Love my mother’s laugh, full of joy and delight. I Love my mother. And today, I let my mother love me.

She is not the story book mom that I would have drawn up in one of my imaginations. We have fought about so much for most of my life. Mostly, I have been fighting her for the right to be me, and not her, and she has been fighting to show me that being her is good. And today, some kind of way, we understood each other. We didn’t say it out loud. We talked about things – my friends, our different choices in life, the way I handled my subletting situation – but some kind of way, I felt like my mom was finally giving me permission to be me; and I think she felt that I was finally seeing that being her is good.

And we came to this place while she is alive, while I can still hug her, and not after someone had died and I’m writing a remorseful blog. We came to a place of Love and understanding. I Love my mother at last, and she Loves me.

There are parts of me that are such a little girl, and I am ok with them. I am ok today, and I am just so grateful to be ok.

I want to Love and forgive. That is what I want to do with my life. Love and forgive. And I’m ok with that…

That you, Allah. Ameen.

Day 481
To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

Day 480 – They Walked Like Women (Dance Camp)

Hey.

I’m on a train. Back to my life after living a dream for the past five days. So many thoughts… Can I tell you about the past five days? I feel a little lucky. A lot lucky actually. I checked out from the world. Not on purpose, but I’m glad it ended up that way because it allowed me to immerse myself into another world completely. And this other world was a cultural dance camp tucked away in the middle of lush nature in Northern California. I had no internet or phone reception there.

At first, I was reluctant to go this camp for several reasons: firstly, I didn’t have a lot of disposable cash. Secondly, I had a lot of writing to do. Thirdly, the thought of going to a camp when there’s a lot of work to do just seemed frivolous. And fourthly, I had just found out that I had advanced to the final round of a very prestigious writing contest and I had some more work to do for the final round. But my spirit wanted some joy. Kind of needed it. It had been a tough summer, full of family issues, man issues, not so much nature, not so much good food, not so much authentic connecting or community or kindness or anything that feeds my soul, and I was beginning to feel depleted.

So I went to this camp. And I’m so glad I did. I arrived in the city nearest camp on an Amtrak train, watching the sunrise on my ride out there. The camp shuttle van came and picked me up and the driver loaded up my tent, sleeping bag, air mattress, two suitcases and backpack into the van. He delivered my things to the front door of women’s cabin number two.

In the cabin, I was greeted by an older woman from Northern California, and in the coming days, the cabin was populated by a three other women in my age group and a woman about my mom’s age. We were all single, crazy, free-spirited magical kind of women who were at crossroads in our lives.

The camp provided three healthy meals a day, and several drum and dance classes throughout the day, which you could elect to go to or not. It also had two lakes, and one of them you could swim in or paddle boat in. On every night, they had a different activity, such as a club night, a night of a special performance, a campfire/storytelling night, and a talent show night.

The whole summer long, I haven’t gotten as much writing done as I did at this camp. I would wake up before seven, do my stretches and meditation. Go eat at the dining hall and talk and mingle with people. Most of the people were so awesome. There were people from all over the world – China, Japan, UK, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Africa, all over the US – all coming to this camp to be taught by some of the best cultural teachers in the world. And I must say, they were some of the best artists I’ve ever met. So talented. So disciplined. Amazing, amazing people – cool, funny, smart, bold, sweet, loving. A met a little girl who told me her name was butterfly, and she was just full of kisses and cuddling for me. And there were a few people I knew there. A guy I used to hang out with, and his two kids were there.

After mingling with the cool camp people, I would go hide out in this spot where nobody goes, and sit out in nature and write for three to four hours. Yes, three to four hours. Sometimes in LA, that’s my weekly writing total. It was so cool writing out in nature, sitting near enough to the classes to hear the musicians playing beautiful live music for every class.

After writing, I would each lunch and mingle a bit, then take two dance classes and nap in between them, then go to dinner, then attend the evening activity, then lay in my tent and look at the stars as I meditated before I went to sleep.

I met women. Such beautiful women. Oh, the dance teachers there! Some of them were women- elders- and they walked with such grace and danced so fiercely. It was so nice to see them. Just powerful and loving and breathing. And I made friends. Me and my cabin mates would stay up talking about everything. Everyone was talented and people played drums and flutes and guitars and sang and danced. And some people were successful artists and others weren’t so much, but they were open. And we shared about our lives and our weirdness and our heartaches and our triumphs. And the men – they treated me like brothers (except for the guy I already knew, who kept trying to talk to and flirt with me). But other than him, the men were so respectful and fun and sweet. It was such a nice balance. It was such a good time.

Day before yesterday, they announced that they would be having a talent show. I didn’t have anything in mind, but that night, a poem came to me. It was about women. It’s called “They Walked Like Women”. I was just so inspired by the brilliance and the grace and the power and the balance of some of the women there, and I was so in love with the communal way of the place, that I wrote a poem about it. And I decided that I was gonna be me. Laydie. I was gonna write something and I was gonna share it. And I didn’t want to do it alone. So I got all brave and I invited my cabin mates to accompany me as I read the poem. One would dance, one would play flute, and one would drum. And they agreed.

THEN. It gets better. I’m not making any of this up. The morning of the talent show, this beautiful woman who I had been admiring but whom I hadn’t spoken to yet, approached me and asked me if I wanted to be in her singing group for the show. Now. I’m not a singer. But I Love to sing. She is a woman like me. Magical. And she stands out wherever she goes. Not that she’s the most pretty in the room, but there is something about her that just makes you want to know her. I told her I can’t sing that good, and she told me that she grew up in the church, and that sometimes the person selected to sing the song in the church is not the person who sings the best, but the person who has something in their heart that they need to share. She thought that I had something that needed to be shared, so she asked me to sing a solo verse in a song she, I and another women were to sing together.

So now, I was going to do two performances. Read my spoken word poem and sing in a trio of beautiful women. I’ve never sung at anything in front of people. I haven’t gotten up and read a poem in front of people in years. At least seven years since I’ve stood up in front of anyone, and shared my creative anything. Long story short, I did it. It was amazing. It was so wonderful to do these performances with these incredibly loving, talented women. And everyone loved us. So many people came up to me and told me how inspired and touched and empowered they were by my poem. They thanked me for speaking about what it is to be a woman. They told me they loved my singing voice. Me! The woman who loves to sing, but who everyone had always told that I couldn’t sing. They loved my singing voice!

I Loved giving my heart to them. I loved giving my best to them. I gave them my all and they received it. It was the best feeling ever – to be received and appreciated for what I had to offer.

After the talent show, a few people, including me, didn’t want to go to sleep. We sat out on one of the plazas while a couple of people played songs with their guitars. I swayed and danced. We shared blankets.

I was myself. It was everything I wanted for my life. It was beautiful…

And now I am on a train back to LA. And LA is no dance camp. I am greeted by messages from people I hadn’t thought about for days. Everything looks the same as I left it. Some things are probably worse and maybe some things are better. I will find out soon.

Can my life be like dance camp, God? It was so beautiful. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by gratitude for the beautiful things I’ve experienced. It’s like a whole other secret world exists. There are so many ways to experience this world.

I got to be a leader this past week. I got to empower others, but not in a pretentious way. We were all equals, but different. Just different types of people with different things to do, giving their gifts. Today at lunch, this lady came and asked to clean my plate up for me. I told her I’d do it, and she said that queens should be served.

I was a queen at camp, but it was different than what I envisioned a queen to be. It was better. Because I was not separate from everyone, standing on my high horse. I was together with people, listening to them, talking with them. They had things to offer, and I accepted their offerings genuinely. And they accepted my offerings and trusted me to do a good thing.

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog. I guess it’s time to stop writing. I just wanted to share what a beautiful time I had. Thank you for this nourishment, Allah. I needed it so much. I needed to see how beautiful life can be. I needed to see what community could be like, and how it could feel to be around people that are so gifted and amazing. I needed to be in your nature. I needed to feel wanted and valued and appreciated. I needed to be received as I am, and not hated on. I needed some people to champion me. Women. I needed good experiences with women. Cool women standing in their power…

I want to give my heart, Allah. That’s what I want to do with my life. What I did at dance camp? That’s what I want to do with my life. I want to give my heart. I want to connect so deeply and be together with people in this world. I want to be received and accepted and appreciated for who I am. I want to be surrounded by people who keep me safe and see me and want the best for me and don’t try and manipulate and use me. I want to be that support for others. And You showed me – You had me experience that. Those things were only dreams in my head before. But I experienced it, and now it’s real. Now it’s a possibility for my life.

So I ride back to LA empowered. Empowered in a way I’ve never been before. Empowered with Love. Power is not mean and forceful. Power is giving and loving. And power also includes honoring your own self. This is woman stuff. This is grown up stuff. This is more than I ever imagined for my little ol’ life. And I thank you so much, Allah. I am so grateful. I am so grateful… Ameen.

Day 480
They Walked Like Women (Dance Camp)

Day 479 – As A Woman

Kwame is dead. A little silver bead fell out of my purse just now. It is a piece of an earring that my friend Kwame bought for me many years ago. I remember the day. Spontaneous. We were walking around and there was a little make-shift marketplace and someone was selling jewelry. “Do you want something?” he asked, and bought me these cute silver-plated earrings that had one simple bead on them. After some years, I lost the earrings, and even lost the other bead, but this one bead just fell out of my purse reminding me of him. He died a couple of months ago. He was lovely and he lived his life to the fullest.

I am wondering what it is like wherever he is, if there is a wherever he is. Can he see me sitting here thinking of him and typing on my computer? What would he say to me? What kind of advice would he give about living a life?

Today I had to decide whether to give someone who screwed me over a second chance. This guy was supposed to sublet my apartment. He said he was going to put a certain amount of money in my account. I was relying on this money to pay certain bills by a certain time, and I told him so. He said he had put the money in my account, but when I checked it wasn’t there. I reached out to him and he didn’t respond by the bill due time. Then, hours later, after I had told him I’m taking back my offer to sublet my place to him, he responded and apologized, saying some kind of way, there was a mistake and the money transfer didn’t go through. It is possible that it was a mistake, and that he thought the transfer had gone through and that he just fell asleep and didn’t wake up this morning until after the time that the bill was due. And it’s possible that he’s straight faced lying to me and that he knew that money didn’t go through (or maybe didn’t even send it), and then didn’t know what to say to me this morning.

He’s going through a hard time, and he essentially begged me to please let him sublet my place. He had already shown me that he would leave me in a compromising position, whether he did it on purpose or not. But what if it was a mistake? What would Kwame say?

Kwame would say that if it was his bill due, he would have made sure that the money went through. Kwame would say to move on with my life now. He would say that I can help someone else who’s going through a hard time. Help someone who at least will show me some consideration. We are always trying to save the assholes. Why not help someone nice?

Things are moving fast and quick decisions and action has to happen now. This is the end of a life I had, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit sentimental about it. I am at another crossroads. Another starting point. This old life will no longer do.

What is missing in my life is Love. Not so much that I am needing to be Loved. I am always Loved. I finally see that. What is needed is for me to share the deep Love that I have in my heart. What is needed is for me to share the deep self that I am. What is needed is for me to now take my rightful place in the world and in my community.

I’ve had enough of living by myself. I’ve had enough of selfishness and sadness and being less than the powerful Lover of humanity that I am. I came here to make a great contribution to the world and it is time that I do it. I came here to fly and be such a beautiful light. “Give what you have,” You whisper to my spirit.

My friend Matsemala whispers to me to love someone. I will Love my mamma for now. She needs it and I want to give it to her. I want her to feel Loved and cared for and special and appreciated. I know how to do that for another person now. I know how to Love myself and keep myself safe. I Love myself therefore I trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, and I don’t trust people who have broken my trust unless they earn it back. Such a simple concept that took me so long to learn…

I am grateful in this moment. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have my heart in tact. I am grateful to know that good days and bad days come and go and everything can’t be understood or explained away. Sometimes you don’t know why a particular thing happened. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not.

What you can do, though – no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how horrible you feel, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made or how many times you’ve shot yourself in the foot – what you can do is try again. Learn from your past. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

I feel like I finally learned something with this sublet situation. I finally decided just not to create agreements with people who screw me over and show no intention of changing their behavior. Seems like a no brainer, but for most of my life, I’ve been trying to forgive assholes and help make them better people. I think holding them accountable for their bullshit behavior and let them have consequences for their actions helps them much better people instead of letting them continue to use people.

Before that situation, a lovely married man who is separated from his wife tried to date me. He was lovely and very sweet and very kind. And he was never ever going to marry me. Because he’s married. -_-

I decided not to get involved with his unavailable, cheating ass, and I think my decision helped him learn a lot about Love.

I decided not to be Phillip’s pawn anymore. He doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t want to come my way. He doesn’t want to go away. He wants to hold me hostage so he can do as he pleases with me when he pleases. But I want to Love and be Loved and build a life with someone who wants to build a life with me. So we have a conflict of interest. And he can kiss my nuts (if I had any), coming around trying to play with sacred Love like it’s a game…

That’s where we are, good people of the world. I’m feeling myself a bit, but I think I deserve it. I have been so small and so beat down by everything for so long… I have given my precious Love to so many people who could care less about me, and even people who would try to hurt me on purpose, for so long… I have not done my part in the world. I haven’t shared all the Love in my heart. I can hold assholes accountable for being assholes and still Love them. That is possible…

I am realizing as I sit in this library, that I haven’t stood up in my own shoes yet. There are so many lessons that I have learned on this Earth sojourn, but I haven’t integrated them into my living yet. I have been blessed with a lot, and I’m just now realizing that I know better. I know better than to be in bullshit relationships. I know better than to be poor. I know better than to not share love with my family and anyone who comes my way. I know better than to let people use me just because.

It is time to integrate all of the wisdom that I have gathered and breathe life into the new personality that is me as a full grown woman. I am a full grown woman now, even though parts of me are still the scared little girl who wants to fit in. We can coexist. We can be humble and confident at the same time. We can be scared and still take action that is wise. We can be disciplined yet loving. We can be powerful and yet not arrogant. We can be giving and yet not let people deplete us and use us. We know how. We know how.

Calling all parts of me to join together as we walk now in the world as a woman. As a woman. Strong, beautiful, soft, loving, kind, bold, safe, creative, taking action for the betterment of human kind and for the delighting of my heart. I am a woman now, y’all. I am a woman. ❤

Day 479
As A Woman

Day 478 – Allowing

Hey. I can honestly say that life is magical.

One day, you are full of doubt and the next you are full of conviction and faith. Not going to write too much, because I’m going to do a lot of work today.

Don’t want to share too many details, but want to share something I came upon about allowing and accepting the good. About having things now and not always looking for something in the future.

It’s been a long time that I’ve been in this vortex called struggle and sadness. You get used to it. And you start believing that your dreams are just dreams. Just down the street, someone is living the life that you have begun to think is impossible for you. Literally, just down the street.

In the past couple of weeks, I made it out of the vortex. I got a glimpse of life outside of sadness and struggle, and I realized that I wasn’t used to it. I had to (and have to) keep telling myself that I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I realized that I had begun to believe that I couldn’t have the things I had always dreamed of, and I had to go back in my mind and change what I believe.

I decided that if I didn’t really believe in anything, I could at least be willing to allow for the possibility of good things, and that’s where I started. I started telling myself that it’s possible. It is possible that going back into the world could be safe. And it’s possible that other people and environments can be life enhancing and nourishing. And it is also possible that other people could understand me and even help me have a better understanding of myself. It’s possible that others could accept me as I am without judgement. It is possible that others in the world could fight for me and defend me instead of trying to hurt and use me, and it’s also possible that I could be able to fight for and protect and defend myself when needed…

Just because I haven’t experienced certain things doesn’t mean they’re not possible. I could wrap my mind around possibilities, and I kept affirming them to myself. I had been traumatized, you know. I didn’t realize it, but I had been traumatized a long time ago, and I had all of these beliefs about the world that were making me afraid to go out and be back in the working world again, and making me afraid to come close to people. Granted, my beliefs were formed because of the experiences that I’d had with others, but I at least could understand that just because I had been hurt in certain ways didn’t mean that I would always be hurt in those ways by everyone.

I planted possibilities in my mind. And then, when I could say that things are possible for me and there wasn’t too much dissonance, I realized that there is a level above possibility. There is allowance. And this is a thing I want to write about. I went back to my affirmations, and realized that although I could believe certain things were possible, I wasn’t really willing to have them.

I mean, they felt more safe out there and not here with me. And so I started affirm that I allow. I allow myself to be safe out there in the working world. I allow other people and environments to be life enhancing and nourishing. I allow other people to understand me even better than I understand myself. I allow myself to connect with others and be as loving as I want to be and still be safe… I allow. I allow myself to be filthy rich and have all of my needs met till the end of time. I allow. I allow myself to be Loved and seen and known as good. I allow myself to be free, and yes, I allow myself to be lucky. I allow life to be easy. And joyful. Yes. I allow. I allow life to be joyful. I allow my life to be full of joy and love. I allow myself to have. To own. To have. To own. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self. Oh, yes. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self.

This is the prayer that I want to share with you. A prayer of allowance and acceptance. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow my life to be better than I ever imagined it to be. Yes. I allow. Now. Today. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. Today. Today. Today.

Ameen

Day 478
Allowing

Day 477 – When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

So… I’m bored out of my mind. My phone rings from someone who is inevitably going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do or say something to chastise or guilt me because I’m not doing what they want…

I am feeling sad, but I want to write something good. Tough summer. First summer in a long time that I didn’t skip town or do anything that brings me much joy. Besides my brief week of summer Love with Phillip, this summer has been full of me being swept into my family vortex mostly and fighting for balance and stability in my mind and body.

Today I went to my spiritual center, and the sermon was beautiful. The speaker spoke about us giving our gifts to the world. For the past couple of years, I have been flooded with this philosophy of life. I’m sure there’s a name for it. Basically, the philosophy is that we all have a unique purpose and mission here on Earth, and our job here is to figure it out what that mission is, and then do it. Sounds easy. Also in this philosophy is the belief that you will discover your mission by being really honest about what your true dreams, gifts and capacities are. They also say that it is possible to have all of your needs met, to live your dream life and to be happy. They say that we humans are One, all connected to each other, and they understand the omnipresence of God to mean that God is not just a big man in the sky, but that God exists in every living thing, for He wouldn’t be omnipresent if he were not in humans as well. And he’s not a he. Or a she. Or an it. He’s a he and a she and an it.

The most disturbing thing about this philosophy is the belief that your dreams can come true. If you have been struggling for a while and around you, all you see is people who have given up on their dreams, tried and failed, or never even dared to dream them, and you are included in that bunch, then sometimes it is hard to really invest your time into trying to make a dream come true. Because you don’t really believe it will happen. So you focus on the things you know you can control: a job that pays bills, a relationship that is not necessarily fulfilling but at least keeps you from being alone, etc. etc.

So I am here. In Panera Bread… A friend is texting me. I don’t have so many friends, but I love the few that I have. They are loving, kind, strong people, and they have been here journeying with me, keeping me from drowning, and showering me with love when I need it. Today a friend is texting me, “You are always on my mind and holding space in prayer for you all the time. You are blessed.”

I guess that’s what I needed to hear right about now, before I write this blog down a deep, dark tunnel. Thank you, God. The truth of the matter is, I am in doubt. Not totally despairing, but doubting whether or not any of my dreams will come true. Doubting whether I’m really supposed to be a writer and whether any of my projects will ever see the light of day. Doubting if I’ll ever have this magical loving relationship that I dream of and kids. Wondering if I’ll do anything to help people around the world live their dream lives. Can’t even imagine living in a house somewhere surrounded by green things with loving, open people around. Can’t imagine success and joy. Questioning whether I should keep going down this path or just give up.

It has been hard, Allah. It has been hard to know that I will never have my mother’s approval if I choose to practice the spiritual path I really believe in. It has been hard being rejected and abandoned by men I love. Seeing and accepting things as they are has been hard for me. I have been lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people. I have the food and they eat, and that is fine, except I become depleted and it has been hard to find sources of nourishment that can feed me like I need.

So here we are. I knew the title of this blog before I started writing. I am in doubt, and I want to figure out what to do about it. I long for a very different experience of life, but I doubt whether I will be able to create and have it. And I don’t know what to do. This past month, I have literally been sitting with chattering teeth, shaky legs, headaches, so many tears and such pain and sadness from facing things. I guess there’s only three things to do when in doubt: move forward, move backwards, or stay still.

You made all of these promises, Allah, in your books and through your prophets and people, but what if they aren’t true? What if I follow my heart and spirit and end up like I’ve been ending up – rejected, abandoned, alone, hated on… in pain?

I think what you do when in doubt is choose. The only thing you ever can do is choose. I am a single woman. In my thirties. Living in the middle of one of the saddest cities in the world. I have a little money in the bank, a few degrees, a lot of different work skills, a cute shape, a loving heart, and a soothing voice.

What I am deciding in this moment is whether or not to finish and submit this project that could either change my life or make me feel like a failure again. I could finish this project or I could not… Truth of the matter is, the things we learn in my spiritual center sound too good to be true. I don’t believe them wholeheartedly, even though I want to. But I don’t believe that we are here on this Earth just to eek out a meagre existence and try not to die and learn how to cope with our pains either.

Here in Panera Bread, I am making a decision – again. How will I do it, God? What will I say when my mom tries to guilt me for not sacrificing my dreams to take care of someone who doesn’t need me? How will I make it through the loneliness and find the strength to get up and take action when I don’t know where it will lead? How will I believe?

And you say to me, take it slow. Let’s do this week, OK? I don’t have to believe. The thing is, I haven’t given up. I can choose to give up, but my stubborn heart won’t let me. If I’m going to be on this path, then commit and be on this path. That’s it. It the same message over and over. Choose and commit. So again, I choose. This week, take action. Take the actions that have been goading you. Take action. Make a plan. Implement. Take action. That’s it. You don’t have to believe. As you walk, you will see that it gets easier. So walk, my baby. Now is the time to have a new experience of life. Walk, my baby. Walk…

Day 477
When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)