Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
Y’all. God keeps telling me to do hard things. The last time he told me? I didn’t listen and things went bad. I was really scared. And so he’s giving me another opportunity again. And I’m scared again. I’m gonna listen. I’m scared because I’m scared I might reach out and then things don’t work out. And then I’ll be so disappointed again. But I’m gonna listen. I’m not going to write a long blog today. I’m just gonna ask you to pray for me. Please.
Thanks for reading.
Y’all. I’m happy. I don’t know how long it will last, but I would like to document that it is possible. I have found a way.
I went to Kundalini yoga today. Got up before 2a so I could catch two buses far across town and walk 30 min to get to a 4a Kundalini yoga sadhana practice.
After class, my teacher offered to give me a ride home. I asked him to drop me at the nearby Starbucks instead, which is where I am now. Happy.
Because I did Jupiter kriya. A kriya is a set of postures, movements, sometimes chanting (called mantra), and breathing and meditation techniques in kundalini yoga. Jupiter kriya is a particular meditation and exercise wherein you hold your hands in particular positions for 31 minutes minimum. It is hard to do. I had done it a few times before, several years ago, and today, I did it again. Going in, I knew it would be hard. I also knew that at the times I had done it before, I had to build my way into it. I wasn’t able to hold the position for 31 minutes on the first try. But today, I decided I would do it. I just decided that I would.
And I did it! It was hard. But throughout the posture, words like power and strength came to mind, and I examined my relationship with those words. My willingness to hold power. My willingness to be strong. I had had resistance to those words and associations with those concepts for quite some time. Like, I thought being powerful and strong always meant I wouldn’t get any help, and so I got tired of being powerful and strong. But weak and powerless never really worked for me, either. So today I renegotiated. I surrendered. I am powerful. It just is what it is. I am a warrior woman. I knew that going in. I thought of the movie Avatar 3, which I had watched recently. The strong mother. The earth daughter. The baby girl. What does it look like to be strong and feminine and supported and soft at the same time? They had represented those things. And so I leaned in to their avatars and decided I would be strong and frisky. It would be a good thing to prove that, yes, I could do this 31 minute posture easily. Yes, I could feel the jitters and shakes in my body and keep going. Yes, I could feel the pain and grief and anger held in my right biceps and my right thigh and I could engage with it and massage it with my intention until it decided to give in… Somewhere in the kriya, I decided that I would reframe my distorted, trauma based beliefs about being powerful and strong. From now on, being powerful and strong means that I will get all the help I need, when I am weak and also when I am strong and be celebrated, victorious and fulfilled as I demonstrate my power…
A man sits in the coffee shop next to me. Homeless looking. Picking up empty cups to see if there are leftover drinks in it.
At yoga today, we also read from their mantra book and somewhere in there, it spoke about saints being protected. Oh! The kriya we did today was about balancing the life force energy and the energy that releases. They have names, but I forget what they are called. The kriya helped me balance so much tingly energy that I had been feeling in my body these past days.
I’d love to tell you all that’s going on with me, but not really. Can you believe that for once I actually want to shut my mouth about myself??? The reading today also spoke about only having beings of love in your inner circle. Just yesterday, I had written a message to my mom wherein I told her that I will only ever allow people who offer Love and goodwill to me into my inner circle…
At the end of class, the teacher played some corny song about how to live righteous. Daughters of the light were supposed to be strong and fight, especially when they are met with despair and desperation, the song said. With breath and bone. It was beautiful.
I have been saved, y’all. I know it like I knew I was gonna finish that Jupiter kriya. I ain’t gonna write too much today. Thank you for being on this journey with me. I Love you. Bless you.
Ameen.
Day 605 – Happy (Breath and Bone)
I woke up in tears. I know, I am often in tears, but this time it is different. The tears are coming from deep in my heart.
I’m thinking about my mom. She recited something from her religious book to me yesterday. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but it was so beautiful it made me cry.
I’m thinking of my brother and I’m thinking about how I can’t really write what I’m thinking about him because he’s in a room sleeping next to me. And this wasn’t what I was going to write about when I came to write this blog, but I’m thinking about how I can’t really write all that I want to write. People will get hurt.
I’m thinking about how interesting it is that my mind went on a totally different loop than it was on before I started to write this blog. What had happened was, I woke up, and I had all these thoughts on my mind – inspired, morning thoughts. I had just woken up and I had this well of emotion, and I thought, “let me write these down before the morning thoughts fade.” Like when you have a dream and you want to get it down before you forget it. I didn’t even drink my usual first thing in the morning lemon water because I didn’t want to forget my beautiful thoughts while pouring a glass.
But I needed to pee. The bathroom light in the room next to me was on, but I had thought I had heard my brother in a different room with the sink on. So I barged into the bathroom needing to pee, and he was in there. We both were shocked, and my beautiful thoughts shattered and scattered. By the time I had taken my pee, they had shifted.
Then, I couldn’t find my computer. I had to search the apartment for it and ask my brother about it. He knew where it was, but by the time I had had that interaction, my initial thoughts had shifted more. And by the time I started writing, my chest was welled up with emotion thinking about my mom and brother. I was thinking that I don’t really think my brother approves of me writing. I don’t think my brother really approves of me as I am… Those are the words that I didn’t want to write, but I guess they are important to the root cause analysis.
This is sooooo not where I initially wanted to go, but it’s what’s at the forefront of my mind now. My life. I am in my old life at the moment. I am in the city I grew up in, visiting one of my brothers. He continued in the religion we grew up in. The lifestyle. Everything. I have been away from all of this for a long time and there is so much I had forgotten. Not only is my brother a representative of my old life, but my city is… There are many, many beautiful things about this place… I am thinking about places and how places have agreements.
I have traveled and lived so many places in this past year. More places in one year than ever before. And do you know what I learned? Places have agreements. It’s not magic. It’s like plants. Certain plants only grow in certain places. They need a certain kind of soil, a certain kind of sun, a certain kind of humidity, a certain kind of water, or lack thereof. And certain landscapes do or don’t have the thing that certain plants need. And no matter what you do, a plant won’t grow outside of the environment that it’s designed to grow in. Now, you can artificially recreate an environment and it will grow, but it just won’t do it without the right environment. I think places are like that. I think we are like that. Like plants.
There is literally something in the air in different places that makes one know, “you can’t breathe like this here. You breathe like THIS here. You smile like this here. You relate to each other like this here. You do this kind of work here. And you, woman, you are to be like this here; and man, you are to be like this.” It’s more than the air, I know. It’s culture. It’s structure. It’s exposure. All of these things shape our identities and what we think is possible for us. And the original culture, structure and environment is our family of birth or our family that we grew up in…
These tears are flowing. I’m just going to free form write because there are so many thoughts in my head. I’m thinking of a man I know here. I’ve known for just about 25 years. He’s liked me since. Maybe even loved me since. And in 25 years, we have never made it past one consecutive date together. Fate seems to put us in the same places at the same time always. Whether it be that I just happen to take a trip across the USA to visit a brother in my hometown and he just happens to also have taken a trip across continents to visit his sister in the same hometown as my brother – which is what has happened recently. Or we both decide work in an international country at the same time in life and just happen to be going to the same country and just happen to be going to the same city in the same country and just happen to be living in the same city in the same international country at the same time 15 minutes from each other.
This man represents everything rotten about my past. He’s a con artist. He’s not nice. He’s rude. He plays a million games. In Landmark Forum, a popular self development workshop that I had attended some years ago – we would say that he has a compensatory personality. A personality that is not his real personality, but it is real nonetheless, because it is the way he has chosen to be. I can’t talk about Landmark Forum here. People will say it’s the devil. Maybe I should go to Landmark Forum this year…
Suddenly all my thoughts that I was inspired with upon wake-up are gone. And this is interesting. I’d like to track this. The movement of thoughts and how one thought changes the whole trajectory of others, like adding things to water… Some thoughts are more potent than others and change the color of the water more quickly.
I’m thinking about managing emotions and how everything I say here is profound. I’m thinking about how going away from the place of my upbringing, taking nine months to live and work at a retreat center, having just a teeny tiny bit of good fortune that allowed me to support myself while I was sick and ultimately get well, and even hitting rock bottom have made me into someone I don’t recognize anymore and someone I want to know. I have become wise, y’all. I know. I’m not supposed to say it. Other people are supposed to say it to me, but it’s true.
And the only way I know I have become wise is when I go back to the places I used to be and see where I came from. And behave differently.
Last night, I couldn’t finish some work I wanted to do. I wanted to read a book. Just a portion of a page. I got on the bed with the book and the book was right next to me, but it was sooooo hard for me to actually open the page and read it. And I wanted to put a skin treatment on my skin. The treatment was right there in the bathroom and the bathroom was right there, about ten steps away after I get off the bed, but it was soooo hard for me to get off the bed and go there. And I wanted to do some writing. Finish something out before the year ends. And my computer was right here and I had everything I needed to do the writing, but it was sooooo hard for me to get started on it. Eventually I did none of those three things. Instead, I went to sleep and my body felt a lot of pain. Oh! I had also wanted to go workout and get on this massage machine…
Writing just got uncomfortable, and so I switched for a bit and went and looked on my dating apps. I really want to track this. My breathing just became shallow. It is because I am moving forward. I’m getting to the root of things in this writing and my body is resisting. This is what I came here to write. I am butterflying and my whole self is resisting. I think I want to share this with someone.
It is an important piece of transformation that we often miss. The reason I did not do all the things I wanted to do last night is not because I’m lazy. It’s not because I’m undisciplined. It is because I felt full of emotion that I couldn’t understand and it is because I felt afraid of things I couldn’t understand and it is because my entire body was doing things, like feeling heavy, feeling tingly, feeling tight – resisting – and it made me very uncomfortable to the point that it was nearly unbearable and the way I saw to get relief was to go to sleep.
We have come to the answer, ladies and gentlemen. This is what I came here to write. For myself, really. And for anyone it resonates with. At the moment, it feels hard to breathe. My body is tingling again. I want to go and look at a dating app or jump off the bed or do something else rather than continue with this writing, because this writing is giving me all the bodily sensations that don’t feel good. Perhaps this is what they call anxiety? Perhaps this is what happens to my 25 year almost love. Every time he sits across from me, his hands tremble tremendously. He can’t open plastic wrappers on his food utensils. He can’t mix his tea. Perhaps his body has very visceral, very extreme reactions to being vulnerable, to the possibility of love, to the possibility of rejection, and so he just runs and sabotages when things happen like that, and so we never make it past one date… After I told him about himself, he told me to lose his number. So rude. I wrote him a long note back yesterday evening, loving, but I feel afraid to read his response. Because he might block me or do or say mean stuff.
He’s an ass, I know. He lies a lot. Might be a diagnosed compulsive liar. In my heart of hearts, I know that it’s not him. I know that he is like the Nefiti character on the movie Muana, throwing fireballs and things and doing all kinds of tricks to guard her heart. He’s not all these evil things. I know we don’t live in a movie and humans are not like movie characters. You don’t just love a monster and suddenly they transform into the best they can possibly be and the best they have been. Humans will kill you, now, and when they show you who they have chosen to be you should believe them. But somehow I don’t.
It’s not the best use of my time. It’s not the best use of my energy. But there is something in this situation for me. There is something massive to be learned, to be completed, to be mastered. There is something necessary in my trip here, back to my past life. Reclaiming my past. Facing my future even when it makes my body tremble and my heart rate rise and makes my energy want to go up, up and leave my head, like it’s doing now… Strong things. Woman things. It’s time.
Do you know what is true? Sometimes the people you Love aren’t going to Love you. Sometimes the people who you want to approve of you just aren’t. Oh, it is so hard to accept. Sometimes you won’t belong in the spaces you want to belong in… It is heartbreaking. And sometimes the people who you gave your very heart and your very life to for safe keeping will treat you carelessly. Sometimes on purpose. Cus jealousy or resentment or bitterness or selfishness or ego or whatever. Even if you are super smart. Even if you are careful. Even if you didn’t do anything to them.. I just want to accept that for a moment. And think this through to solution.
First off, what is the problem? Trembly hands. Massive resistance to forward movement. Overwhelming emotion. Feelings of not belonging and wanting to belong. Realizing the people I Love think there is something wrong or bad about me and it won’t change because its deep. Religion is very good for demonizing anyone who is not a part of it, no matter how amazing a person is. Over here being connected to an asshole, painful, abusive man and feeling compelled to see our connection through till the end even though he a asshole and I don’t really like him that much bc he is an asshole, but thinking he is more good than he presents himself to be but knowing he is exactly who he chooses to be.
-“Move towards the sun, butterfly”, is the voice whispering to my soul. Move towards the sun. Yes, you are like the books said. You know when you are on the right path and you know when you are not. And right now, in this blog, you are on the right path. There is no more time to restore the heart of Nefiti. That is not your mission here. Take your power back. That is actually what you came to do. And you have done it. You are doing it in real time. Break the spell of needing to save broken men. Release the need to be accepted by your family and allow yourself to be accepted by yourself and accepted by God – God as you know it – when you are living in your authenticity.
-Take time to commune in high vibrational spaces. You’ve lost a lot. You would not learn that your life is precious until we took it all. Now can you see? Can you see that there is no more time to cry? Can you see the magnitude of the gift you’ve been given? “Do (you) think (you) will say ‘we believe’ and not be tested”?
-Take back your power, now, from these last remnants of distorted belief. Let’s write it out one by one. *Trembly hands. Solution. Action. Box breathe and then take immediate action. If it feels really hard, sing a song. The song you wrote. *Massive resistance to action? Activate vagus nerve. Hands on chest. “I am safe. I am ok. I am loved.” Three breaths. *Overwhelming emotion. Feel it. Let it pass through. Move your body.
*Feeling of not belonging and non-acceptance? This is the hardest… I know, you don’t want to be alone anymore. I know, you want to belong somewhere and be a part of something. I know, being all lonely and talking about “I belong to myself” seems lame. You want humans. People to commune with and smile with and laugh with and feel good with. You want particular humans. Your family and people from your past. Listen… Grieve and accept. As if someone died. Some things won’t change. -And then what? Fly towards the sun. Find other humans who do accept you and who do think you are good and who do treat you well and who do allow you to be safe to be your authentic self. And let your family belong to you. Don’t hate them. Don’t judge them. Don’t repeat the offense. Love them. But Love yourself, too. Steward your life. I know this is hard, because how? You see no way forward. You see no people. You will have to reach out…. Pause. I have left my body. LOL. This feels very hard. I guess this it. The real splinter and thorn. The paralyzer. And it ties in with my most recent man interest… I kid you not. My lower back is throbbing and my leg is tingling as I write this. I can’t breathe. And so I will do the box breath… One moment… The box breathing works… One by one, let people know where you stand. You will do it through your energy, not your words. They will not understand, but you do. It’s time to be a goddess, Love. We have always been leading you here. Radiate Love to the ones you Love. Maybe one day they will Love and accept you. Maybe they will never. That is not your business. Keep yourself safe by checking in with yourself. “Am I safe here?” If no, go where you are safe. And find the arms that can hold you. Find the smiles you can share. Children Love you. You can always share with them. Also, grown ups. You are ready now. But this will take work. This will take intention. This will take action. This will take follow-through. This will take box breathing and self awareness. You have done sooo much work and I am proud of you. This last little part? It’s the butterfly part. Tadaaa! You just gotta be yourself no matter what environment you are in. Read the room. But no matter what room you are in, keep your energy. My sweet supernova. No more twinkle twinkle little star.
Go take your bath now. Then check your messages from this man. Let him block you if he must. Let him see you if he must. Stand in your power. You don’t really want his baby, because he’s mean, but you do want to Love him. Complete that chapter. Complete your work today. Find something supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to do for New Year. Just reach out to the people who inspire you and close doors. All the things that have been on your mind to do? Just keep doing them. You’ll mess up sometimes. Get back up. Get back clear. You can do this. This is your one precious life, my baby.
You are precious, OK? And do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know you are one of those people you used to look up to when you were a kid? You are her now. You are that woman who has found joy. You are that strong light that gets back up when things are hard. You are her now. You are that woman who is also soft and doesn’t need to do it all by herself. You can accept support and companionship. You are that woman who knows how to Love and how to protect and how to Create. You are her now. Accept it. Without guilt. With gratitude and humility. As your friend said, “Don’t let them diminish you.” You are that woman who can box breathe when you feel paralyzed and finally work through your emotions. You are led by purpose and that matters most. Beautiful steward. Steward your life now.
I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… Ameen.
Day 604
The Steward
Guys. I’ve got a lot of emotions these days. I’m just gonna write a quick one and get on with things. Do you know you are Loved? I’m writing this to myself, but writing it to you as well.
Someone sent me a message the other day. “I want to see you happy and in peace”… “I Love everything around you that gives you peace of mind.” Such simple words, but I feel that the person meant it. This is not someone that is a deep part of my life. It’s someone I know from a distance. But its someone who has always wanted to be closer to me… Who it is is not the point.
The point is, it opened something in me. Such a magical day today… As I type this, someone else is literally calling me. I won’t answer. It’s a different vibe. A taker’s vibe. There is a difference. We give and we take and it is good to know when we are being given to and taken from so we can keep balance. Sometimes, what seems like giving is taking and vice versa…
I just was thinking about love. And how I ate a banana today. How nourishing it was. That is love. And I was thinking about the warm floor with the mats at the spa I go to… That is Love… And as I write this blog, literally, someone is messaging me telling me they are praying for me. That is Love. And I am sitting at a desk with my shoes off with internet in a room with others at 11:27pm. Doing things that move me in a direction I want to go. That is love for myself.
The love didn’t come in the ways I was looking for it. It doesn’t always come that way. But it has always been here. Everything is here in this world. Everything is always here. We can’t always see that there is love when we are in a war, and we can’t always see that there is war when we experience love, but they are always here…
I ate some brownies today and the best breakfast sandwich… Can you tell I love food? Food is love. It is the nourishment that makes our bodies function. And it comes from the Earth. And it’s always there…
And so? God kept me alive. I could make it mean many things, but I won’t. I will only say that I’m still here and at a time when I thought I was dying, there were things that I was sobbing about because I wanted to do them while I was alive… and I’m still alive. And I know what is important to me.
And all along, even in my worst days, I’ve had help. I have had blatant, magical miracles, if I’m being honest. Random opportunities for money that manifest from a conversation with a stranger at a coffee shop. Invitations to be in rooms that people spend years petitioning to get into. Mentorship from giants for free. Paid care… I have been loved. And in this moment, I feel an obligation to honor the love I have been given. There are people who have bet on me… There are people who have watered this plant called me in the hopes that I would grow and bear good fruit. They saw something good in me.
You know, when life gets hard, and when we’re getting hurt from left and right, sometimes we forget that there is something good in us… But tonight, I remember…
What happens is, we are not always loved by the people we love in the ways we want. You know? I have loved people with all my heart only to find out that they had a plan to use me all along and never thought about my feelings. And to be fair, there are people who have loved me with all their heart, and I never even noticed and dismissed them without regard. And I have had the best intention for others, and thought that I showed it with all my action, only to be accused of ill will, malintent or whatever negative fill-in-the-blank at some point. And I have been there for others in their hardest of times, only for them to be the very ones to throw me into my suffering.
And these things hurt. They hurt so bad. They can break you. I’m sorry. For some of us, they break us and we don’t return and that is a life. But they can also break you open and mature you and make you see the fullness of life and the fullness of yourself.
It is not all pretty. There are dark things out there and there are dark things within ourselves. I can’t tell you what to do or not do with them, but I can tell you that it helps to stop pretending that they don’t exist. It’s a starting point.
But there is also Love. Lean towards the sun and you will find it. Give it to yourself and you will know that it is real.
Bless you.
Sincerely,
Me.
Y’all. I’ve written and deleted or not published a few posts recently, but this one will stay posted. Something just popped in my head that I wanted to share. Towards. The only way to get where you want to go is to go towards it.
When things happen, when we get hurt or when we fail, etc. etc, we often retreat. And sometimes that is necessary. Get sick and need a safe place to be. Lose money or home or stuff and need a place to recollect. Get a family addition and need help with stuff. Etc. We need help. But what I’ve learned in my wise old days is that often, we get stuck. Our retreat becomes our life. We are constantly running away from pain, running away from poverty, running away from this, that and the other and we forget what we were going towards.
And then we are old and saying, “I used to want to do this and that.” And we look at our lives, and we find that we never really tried to do this and that. And this and that could be anything. It could be a career. It could be a type of relationship or a way of relating in the relationships we have. It could be a hobby. It could be a way of knowing oneself. We just stop going towards the things that really mattered to us. And so we never get there.
Or we get really close and then things fall apart and so we quit. I’m guilty of it.
Not a judgement. Just an observation. I’m not quitting, though. You know something else that will happen? When you start going towards a thing, you will see all the things that are in the way. And it might not be the things you thought it was. Most people always think it’s money. Oh, if I had money, I’d do this, that or the other. And then they get money. And they do no such thing.
It’s usually not money. It’s relationship dynamics. It’s unspoken agreements – with yourself and others. It’s deep stuff like self sabotaging beliefs. It’s unresolved trauma. It’s a lack of built skills. It’s a lack of support systems set up to help you thrive. It’s an inability to source support. It’s low self esteem that makes you believe you’re not worth sh*t and you don’t even deserve support without some deep, deathly effort. It’s lack of faith and awareness that will have you giving away years’ worth of gains when things get hard. It’s ego and an unwillingness to see the places where growth is needed.
Things might get hard. They might not. But they most likely will get very, very real if you choose to do a thing you’ve never done. I pray you have the courage, faith and support to keep walking, crawling, running towards your fulfilled life. That is my prayer for you today. And my prayer for myself.
Bless you.
Sincerely,
Me
Day 602 – Towards
Y’all. I’m writing this in the library. Of my hometown. With my eyes closed. I had already written a blog just now. About what is. I deleted it because I was cussing people out.
Now I’m writing another blog. I will write about what is. And then I will write about what shall be. And then I will get to it.
What is so. I am in a library. I have to move soon. Because God said so. To a permanent place. To one place. In this town. Where I can unpack. And decorate. And paint walls. I haven’t unpacked in over a year. And now I have to.
I have been unpacking my inner life bit by bit. Thrown things away. Repositioned things. Found roaches, rats, termites, bedbugs, even vampires lurking in my cells. Got rid of them. Still getting rid of them. And also saw what’s underneath them. Me. The Golden sweetheart. I don’t think I realized how awesome I am until this time in my life. I hadn’t even known that I had had low self esteem…
What is so? Now that I have unpacked so many inside things, there is space to see what is so. I am here. In a library. By myself. I’ve been sitting here for a couple hours because I’ve been feeling afraid. I have to move. Soon. But I don’t know where I will go. I will go somewhere that I don’t know yet. And even as I type the words, I want to stop writing, because it scares me.
You see, prior to last year, I had lived in one place for thirteen years. I had thought that I would keep that place forever and only move out once I bought a house. And even keep that place after that. But it didn’t happen like that. I moved out. Because, you know, God told me to. And I didn’t have a place to move to. But God led me places and I landed somewhere. And I lived somewhere. Somewheres. And things were good, bad and in-between. Phenomenal, actually. Life changing. My life was changed. Or more accurately, I was changed. Forever.
I started loving myself. I started Loving others in different ways. I started healing myself and others. I started seeing myself and others in different ways. I started being myself. I honestly don’t recognize myself these days and sometimes feel very, very sad when I think about so many things that have happened to me and to others that I know.
Many relationships fell apart. I put gasoline on the burning bridges and made sure to wash out the ashes so no remnants remained. They were built on shit. Or rather, they were built on unspoken agreements that no longer represented who I had become. I ended up very much removed from most of my past life, which is where I am today…
But you see, I have never been here before. I know this is the place. This is the place in every hero’s journey. The place where one detaches from everything and steps into the new thing. Everyone doesn’t do it, but many have as they pursue a life of authenticity and purpose. And Truth.
For about a month now, since The End of Fantasies, I have been seeing things as they are and grieving, grieving, grieving. Weeding. Tilling soil unintentionally. And on this auspicious day, there is nothing else for me to do except move forward or move backwards. I have been wanting to stand still because I am afraid of forward or backwards, but Spirit won’t let me. It will give me bedbug bites or make me sick if I don’t listen.
It feels scary…
So I am here at his library, delaying the inevitable. I’m only about 20 years later than the books say in my individuation from family. I am Mirabel from the Encanto family. Living in a child’s world long into my adult years, not willing to embrace my gifts.
Because my gifts are strange, you know? And I never wanted to be strange. Can I tell you a story? When I was little, about 7 years old, my school put me in a “Gifted and Talented” program. Once a week, they would bus me out to this school with other Gifted kids and we would have a school day of working on complex puzzles, Venn diagrams, etc. I didn’t like being gifted and talented. I wanted to be normal and fit in.
When I got to middle and high school, I asked my mom to put me in normal classes. And she did. But in my junior year of high school, I realized that one wouldn’t get considered for certain college and scholarship opportunities unless they were in gifted and talented or “Honor” classes. So I asked to be switched back to those classes, and I was, but it was too late. Even if I had made all A’s in my classes by then, I would have not been able to compete for opportunities with my peers who had been taking GT classes since 9th grade. I went to college, but it was a normal people college. In fact, it was a college for people who barely made it into college. It was me wanting to be with the normal folks again. And it was my last choice because I couldn’t afford to pay for the college of my choice. I had gotten into the college of my choice, but my school counselor hadn’t sent in whatever documentation I needed on time, and so by the time I followed up and realized I had gotten accepted, it was too late for me to get a scholarship…
I loved my normal people college. And after college, I got a job. I thought it was a good job. A teacher. It was a big deal for the community I came from. I was a bonafide, certified teacher. Even more, I was voted “Rookie Teacher of the Year”. I had my own place, I was fine as wine, I ate what I wanted, I had money in my savings and never even thought about how much rent cost, and I got a marriage proposal at least four times a year… I had close friends that I spent life with. I loved them very much and I believe they loved me, too. And I was close with my family and siblings. Well, at least I thought I was. I loved them all very much and tried to do things to help them and help my mom.
And then, somewhere, somehow, things changed. Over time. Bit by bit. I won’t get into all the details, but things happened. I guess that’s how things happen. Things happen… Things started to fall apart. First, with my mom. They had been cracking over the years, mostly because I always liked boys and she always didn’t like me liking boys. But boys weren’t boys anymore. They were men. And I wasn’t a girl anymore. I was a woman. But I didn’t realize it. My mom didn’t, either. Then me and my mom had a very life shattering incident. As I write about it now, I don’t know how it happened. Or why it happened. But it shook me. At the time, I didn’t realize it shook me, but now, as I am writing, I realize that it broke our trust for each other…
I went to grad school shortly afterwards. This time, I was in a gifted and talented grad school… The rest is history for another day…
It is two weeks later as I write this blog entry. I had stopped writing two weeks ago. And today, I felt compelled to write my blog and went back and read my past two blog entries and this draft. I liked the beginning of the draft and it’s still relevant, so I kept it. I’ll go from there.
My mom. Sometime after my mom and I’s life shattering event, everything changed. I am only realizing it now. Today… I became sad and sad and sadder. I’m not blaming my mom. There is a time limit on blaming parents, and I have passed mine. But it is good to know the who, what, where and why’s of life. It is only in this moment that I realize that incident wedged the thorn that became the wound that festered between me and my mom for so many years. And that thorn was just representative of the smaller issues that were already there…
And it is over now. It is time for it to be over. That is what I came here to write today… It is over. So much is over… in a good way. I realized something. These things are supposed to come to an end. This crying every day is supposed to be a season, not an entire life. These relationship and life loops that are continually unsatisfactory? They are not meant to be an entire life. I know, they are an entire life for so many of us, and they have been an entire life for me for so long that I almost forgot that it is supposed to end. I don’t like using the word supposed so much, but I’m using it for myself. It might apply to you. This is supposed to end.
The point of me starting this blog was so that, after I got to the other side of happy, I could remember how I felt during my sad days and maybe write a book about it or give a testimony or whatever. My book Oneness advises “joyous anticipation of the natural result of ones efforts”, but I forgot about that part.
The natural result of processing my emotions via blog and so many modalities is that my emotions should be processed at some point. The natural result of me taking over ten years and finally seeing the thorn between me and my mother is that I pull the thorn out now and stop festering and internally bleeding. The natural result of all this healing work is that I heal at some point. And after healing, the natural result is that I get on with it and do the things I’ve been wanting to do for an entire life.
So… I’m gonna post this no matter where it ends up. I’m still at the same place I was last two weeks. Except slightly different. I got some really good news, which I can’t share yet, but I need to make a choice on the timing of said news…
I used to be a big picture dreamer, but I’ve been in this beat down vibe for a few months now, and it’s challenging to access my big picture brain. This is what I mean: I’d be the kind of person who has two digits in my bank account and no job and I’d say something like “I want to live in a house on a hill by the sea” and then work on that until it happens. That literally happened to me recently. But now, it is challenging for me to think like that and I am thinking on the lines of, “I have two digits in my account. What can I do with that?” That’s survival thinking. I get it now. It is hard to imagine a house by the sea if one does not have what it takes to get a house by the sea in hand. The catch 22, though, is that you will never have a house by the sea if you don’t think about a house by the sea and plan a way to get it. And some people wait till they have the things to make the plans. No judgement. It works for them. But not me.
For me, though, if I make my plans based on what I have in hand, then I will forget exactly what I wanted and just be stuck thinking of what I think I can get and what I think I can get based on what I have is very little. I have to plan from the idea of limitless. And this is what I came here to this blog for.
Gifted and Talented. I have to use my gifts now in order to move forward. And my gifts are not what I thought they were…
And God tells me to be quiet. So I will (finally) listen. But I will leave you with this. Your gift is your way out. Your gift is your way out.
Peace and countless Blessings.
Sincerely,
Me
Day 600
The Final Chapter – Gifted and Talented
Guys. Something happened today. Well, several things happened. I have the cure for fantasies.
Y’all. A big change has happened in me. So huge. I am not myself anymore, but perhaps I am my Self for the first time in my adult life. I have stopped crying in the ways I used to cry.
Let me just tell you what happened. I took a trip. Overseas. About a month and a half ago, I had wanted to come to this particular place. A workshop being held by some people I like. Overseas. I imagined it would be exciting and had it on my radar. Then, I met this guy online. And you guessed it. He just happened to live in the same city as the workshop I had been considering. And this city is a very remote city in a very remote country. I took it as fate and confirmation that I should come to the workshop. I liked the guy and he professed to like me, so, the minute I got the money, I booked my ticket to this workshop so that I wouldn’t change my mind. I scheduled my time so that I’d have a bit of time to see and visit him before and after my workshop.
Me and the guy kept talking and I realized something: He was dating other people that he didn’t want me to know about. Heck, he’s probably living with other people. We’d be on a video call, and then I’d see him look up as if someone entered his room, and then he’d hang up the phone. Then he’d reappear in another room, talking real low. And then he’d look up and hang up the phone. Or sometimes, I’d see him playing with his phone and then the phone would get disconnected (because he turned off the internet to disconnect it). And I wouldn’t hear from him till the next day. This would always happen at night.
He would make up glorious stories about what happen. He’d never tell the story the same way twice. Sometimes he’d even say that he went to an office for an emergency in the middle of the night. Offices that are closed in the middle of the night. By the time my trip date was coming up, I realized that this guy was full of games. But I kind of liked him still. And my trip date was coming up at the beginning of my ovulation dates, so I was hoping that he’d get it together and we’d be together and I’d get pregnant this month like I wanted to… Me and the guy had begun to have problems because, you know, him lying and stuff and dating and/or sleeping with whomever whilst telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Our communication had become shaky. He would pretend not to see my messages. Call when he felt like it and act like nothing happened. I started leaving evil voice notes for him and then deleting them, but I’m sure he listened to them and acted like he didn’t. And we hardly talked about anything.
He’d send random texts saying hello and not addressing stuff and I’d send rude texts back like, “what do you want?” I had been here before. In these nonsense relationship dynamics… and I finally had been in enough healthy relationships to know the difference. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I realize how much nonsense I wasted time on, and then I just have to forgive myself. My past self might have spent a good year entertaining a man who pretends not to see my text messages. Imagining and fantasizing about our life just because I had a bit of a connection with him.
So, anyway, even though me and dude were not on the best terms – we were on no terms – I still decided to get on my flight and come out here to this country. The flight was not exactly non-refundable, but the refund policy said that maybe it might be refundable and if it is, then maybe it will take months and I have to cancel my flight and put in some kind of application to see if it’s refundable first. I kind of still wanted to go the workshop, so I just took the flight and thought that maybe I’ll see dude and if not, I’ll spend the free time touring this country.
On the transferring flight, I was in another country and someone called me. A friend whom I’ve known for more than half my life. He has been trying to date me for a long, long time and I have been rejecting him for a long, long time and he called me yesterday to ask to date me again. I told him no again. He actually asked to marry me, not date me. And he tried to understand why I don’t want to be with him. And I tried to explain to him why. And he had an answer to everything. I said my Soul said no and he said my Soul’s guidance seemed so arbitrary. At some point, I realized that there was nothing I could say that he was gonna hear….
Then I boarded the flight to my final destination country. I was having issues getting online to finalize my lodging plans and just decided I’d do it when I reached my destination country. When I got here, I received a text message from another dude. This guy is someone whom I’ve been talking about having a baby with for about two years – the two years since I’ve been talking about having a baby. It’s been two years. It doesn’t take two years to meet a man or make a baby. But it has taken me two years because I’ve been wasting time in fantasy over fantasy. I forgive me. This particular guy had been telling me he wanted to start a family with me for over two years. We don’t live in the same country. And so, what he would do is make all these plans. He would even say that we could do IVF stuff and he’s coming around on such and such date and then never come… So, the day I arrived in this country, he messaged me. He is in my country, he says. He knew I’d be traveling on this day. He says that if I was there, we’d get pregnant right now. He tells me how much he loves me and how, for some reason, we just can’t seem to get together. I messaged him back and tell him I will come, and he says I should stay for my workshop and come afterwards. I tell him those are not my fertility dates. He asks when my fertility dates are and I tell him… And then he pretends not to see the message… And then I realize the reason we can’t seem to get together. Because he doesn’t want to. Because he pretends not to see the message or doesn’t come or doesn’t call every time there’s an opportunity.
And then I had the last communication that led to this blog. A friend. More recent friend whom I had met at this amazing program I was a part of recently. Me and friend were really close and then we fell out. We fell out because he was telling people my business and in ways that could have negatively impacted my employment. Someone told me what he had said. I fronted him. He lied. We fell out… He been lying about stuff since… Today he messaged me. And asked me if I’d be willing to talk. He said he wanted to repair our friendship. He said nice things about me. I could feel the sincerity in his message…
In the backdrop, I’m just getting over grieving over someone who stole from me and detoured all of my plans for this season of my life. Someone I loved and trusted. She will say it was a mistake, but this kind of mistake wouldn’t happen with everyone… She will say it wasn’t stealing, it was borrowing, and she planned to pay me back, but it wasn’t borrowing. It was stealing, because she didn’t ask or inform me, whatever her future plans were… She took money that was mine and spent it. And when I asked for it, it wasn’t there. And so I suffered. She used the money to get her a new place and live in luxury with choices on what delicious food to eat every day. My lack of money caused me to have no place and not be able to eat the foods I wanted. I was mad. I was hurt. I was heartbroken and have been grieving over the situation and finding ways to restructure my life without the money I thought I’d have for the past month and half..
And today, I was sitting at the airport, thinking about whether I’m gonna see my dud in this country, thinking about alleged baby daddy who is always saying we are going to do the thing but never does, thinking about my friend who wants to marry me and won’t hear my no… thinking about my money thief and wondering why she did and what will become of our relating… Thinking about my friend who finally did the right thing and approached with accountability, grace, honesty and a giving hand..
And something dawned on me. It is the end of fantasies. I see things as they are. All of these relationships were built on fantasies. I had been participating in them, hoping things would be this way, that way or the other. My friend who wants to marry me had also been perpetuating his own fantasy. He helped me see the ways I perpetuate my own.
It is a weird thing, and sometimes a very, very hard thing to see things the way they are after having been delusional for quite some time. I can’t believe it took me so long to see things as they are. I can’t believe I’d been played over and over again by guys who had been selling me dreams. I can’t believe I trusted my come-up with someone who had sabotaged my come-up before. I can’t believe I’d been holding all these guys hostage. All these guys in love with me calling me their friends. They’re in love with me and I need to set them free. They will not go on their own… I had been making all these choices based on fantasy. Again and again and again. Wanting things to be a way that they are not. Trying to make things be a way that they are not.
And me? Here I am on the other side of the world chasing men who ain’t never showed they love or respect me in the least. I wish I could say it’s my first time doing this, but it’s not. I don’t care about the workshop here. And the country looks peaceful, but honestly, I don’t care about touring this country at this moment in time and I’d rather spend my money and time doing things aligned with what’s important to me. I don’t like the men here, and I’d rather be in a place during my ovulation dates where it’s at least possible for me to meet the kind of men I like.
I will go home now. Get my life together. Finally. Because I can. I don’t think I’m mad at anyone. My feelings are hurt because I wish I was more Loved by the people I wanted to love me. But Love is such and abstract word. Forget about the love. I wish I was treated better. With respect and consideration and care.
Today, I realize that sometimes I will get it from the people I want to get it from, and sometimes I won’t. And sometimes people will complain about me, too. I could talk about them, cuss them out, complain, advocate, and sometimes those things are necessary. But what is also necessary is for me to see things as they are and then find ways to focus on the kind of life and relationships I want… I deserve to be loved and treated well… I want to find a witty outro to this entry, but I don’t have one.
I just wanted to share with you that this is it. It’s over. The end of fantasies. All the things I had been caught up in are unraveling. And what remains is me. With stories to tell. With Love to share. With faith and agency. And friends. And family. And relationships that continue to shift and end and start as we all make new choices for our lives.
What I know is that life is getting better. I am a golden sweetheart and I deserve to be taken care of. I start by doing it for myself… Have a Blessed day, reader.
Mwa.
Day 599
The Cure For Fantasies
Y’all? Time is running out. There is a lot on my mind this morning, and this entry is a bit more for me than you. I find that there are different ways to sort and process. Blogging here gives me access to a part of my brain that makes things make sense.
What is so? I am sitting in a library in my alma mater. There is modern equipment. Standing desks. Hopeful students. The vibe here is always hopeful and promising. The private study rooms that used to be open to all are now locked through electronic means and need to be reserved. I was planning to go into one of those rooms. The rooms are now for students only. The campus is becoming that way.
Buildings are locked now with passkey entry only. Private spaces need to be reserved, logged into and monitored…
I am thinking about men this morning. I know. The world is falling apart and I am thinking about men. Love. Partnership. Safety. Sometimes I think that anything is possible, and well, the thing about my life is that sometimes anything IS possible. Like, how did I end up living in a more magical place than I could ever imagine with a backyard view of the Pacific Ocean and all the things I love within a five minute walk???? I couldn’t have dreamed that up. But it happened. And friends. And spaces where I could be my full authentic self – my best self and worst self – and still be accepted and be loved and not be pushed or pulled to be anything or anyone except who I wanted to be.
I had an experience of being supported, y’all. And while people from my old life were busy trying to exploit me, scandalize me, blame me for things that never happened, etc, I was dancing on grass, reciting poems with friends, making cacao drinks for ceremonies, praying with others, sharing hugs… sharing life with others and experiencing freedom in a way I never have before. Learning to hear my own voice without a constant enmeshment and push and pull of others who want me to do anything except what I want to do with my one precious life.
And that chapter has ended now. Well, it hasn’t necessarily ended, but it has shifted form. It is time to go home. Not because I have to, but because I have to. Because I know that I have outgrown that phase and it’s time to get back to my mission. Home. Safe. And “With Others” are the thoughts on my mind.
It occurs to me that I’m not rooted anywhere. And it occurs to me that I need to be rooted somewhere. My place in the city of angels was my rooted place for more than a decade. And it’s not anymore. And getting a place on my own again is the most yucky idea I can think of… My rose colored glasses that I’ve been wearing most of my adult life have finally come off. They had been chipping away over the past few years and were already broken. But now they are gone. And I see the world as it is.
And I see the ugly things that were always near me and some even in me. And it brings out a lot of grief to see my choices. I will blame myself, because no one ever captured me. Although energetically, it does feel like my soul had been captured, tied up in rope and thrown down a pit, where it has been for a long time and only recently discovered itself and came back to me…. But I digress.
I see my age. And I see that I haven’t done most of the things that I’ve wanted to do with my one precious life. And I want to make new choices. So that I can do and be most of the things that I want to do with this one precious life. Nothing else makes sense to me… The world is falling apart. Most of the people I know are in survival mode and rightfully so. There is a war. There are immigration raids. There is poverty. There is loneliness. There are health issues. And life would appear hard. I know. I am supposed to say that life is hard, too, because I am experiencing all the things everyone else is.
But in my mind, it doesn’t feel hard. It’s the same thing, but it doesn’t feel like it used to. I’m not caught up in it, even though I’m in it. Sometimes, like now, my mind can get out of my situation and see a new way. And I wish I could connect with others who also could do the same and there was no residual resentment or energetic competition. I wish I could connect with someone who would turn a cartwheel and cheer for me when I tell them “I’ve done it!” And there would be no after-frown. In fact, I wish I could do it with someone. Like, we were on a journey going somewhere and they were doing their own thing, too. Maybe they’ve already done it. But we boosted each other. And it was real. There was no hidden agenda. No trick. No upcoming betrayal. Just people loving each other, believing that life is supposed to be a dream come true, and living towards that.
Whenever I get to this place, I always go back to the same dream. Me and my Lover. That dream is fading now, because he didn’t choose it – we didn’t choose it wholeheartedly long enough. But I blame him. He chose what he thought he could choose to survive. On some level, I did, too. We should have just put ourselves in a room and thrown away all keys and made it work.
Perhaps that’s the answer for this morning. I am here. In two worlds. I have cushion, which makes me happy. But I want to fly. I don’t want to look back on my back up plan. I want to fly now. I have become someone different than I was some months ago. I have become more myself. The other thing on my mind was “Grow”. I know that has been a blog title before, but it’s something I’ve been pondering.
I’ve been facing all this fear and grief, and in the past, it’s a block in the road that causes me to change course once thinking of my best intentions. And other people. I tell my plans to other people and then they start talking about what’s logical and the economy and asking how am I gonna do this, that and the other.
And I want to tell them, “Well. God said to do it. He’s always made a way when I listen to him.” And that’s the answer that I actually came to during this blog to process. As I’m over here thinking of who, what, where, when, why, the real answer comes:
-Listen to Your Soul
I don’t need to tell anyone. I don’t need validation. I do need help, but there is so much of it so many places. It will come. It is here already.
My dear reader… My dear friend. I want to thank you for having been here with me on a such a long journey. You have made it so that I haven’t been alone on my darkest days, and I believe that I came here to process out loud today because I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to belong…
I know that at this part of my life, I will have to take the lead. I will have to be the mother, the boss, but not in the way I used to be. I will have to be the mother of me. The boss of me. I have a responsibility to create a home to welcome my future into. I start by making space in my mind. I start by making space in my body. I start by making space in my world. And this time? I will listen. Whole heartedly. I’ve spent enough time half-stepping, half-assing, doubting, going here there, and everywhere except where I said I want to go.
I will listen…
Ameen
Day 598
I Will Listen
I’m doing something different. Because I choose to live. Again. Yesterday, I had a conversation that had me feeling dysregulated for about 24 hours. And here we are now. I was going to write about the conversation and write about my current life and all my woes and the debilitating fear that has been paralyzing me from taking action. And grief. Suffice it to say that it all has been written about in these five sentences already.
And I’d like to do something different. Commit. Dig in. I am at a crossroads. I need a new home. I need a new life. I am deciding in this very moment that I will show up for myself till the very end. Starting over from scratch at my age is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. My old life burned down. And I don’t want it back. And so, instead of lamenting the ashes and telling you all about the ghosts that have been visiting me and that I have been revisiting, I will speak about building.
How to build a new life. In what ways can I do this? It will have to be on purpose. I will need some friends. I will need some love. I will need new habits. I will have to give my all. Nothing less than 100% will get me where I’m going. I ask for your guidance, Allah. I ask for your mercy. And you say I have it. And for this blog entry, I will speak on how. Gratitude. Life is about pain but pain is not about me. Pain is about the awakening of my God magnificence, says my teacher on mysticism.
And so, let’s awaken. Let’s be one of those people who turn it all around or at least give it a good try. The best try. The thing is, everything is hard. Being poor is hard. Being rich is hard. Might as well be rich. And grateful.
On this auspicious evening, I give thanks for a computer that works. I give thanks for free internet. I give thanks for my alma mater, which gives me access to use their free internet 24/7. I give thanks for these new thoughts that have instantly changed and uplifted my perspective. I give thanks for a brain that works. I give thanks for energy in my body that allows me to stay up late and get out of a car to fight for my sweet life. I thank you, Allah, for my mom. Because I could hate her or love her. She did her best. She’s doing her best. Just let it be good enough. Just let her be good enough. I give that to her. I allow her to be good enough at last. I thank you for my broken open heart that can finally feel the truth. I thank you for my friends. I allow them to be good enough as well. For their hospitality, care and camaraderie that has kept me alive all these years. My sweet sisters. I thank you for their love. I thank you for the ones who check on me and look at me with adoration, making me feel like I at least did some things right in life. Thank you for the sweet messages from my old community today. Thank you for my old community for giving me an experience of community. Thank you for giving me an experience of being my true, authentic, honest self and being accepted just as I am. I will never forget the experience I had in community. I will never forget that it is possible to be my whole self, even ugly and flawed, and still have people love me and champion me and think I’m cool. Thank you for so much love that I’ve received in my life. Thank you for the hot guy that went on a date with me the other night. Thank you for magnolia trees and their beauty. Thank you for money in my account. Thank you for self discipline and courage, which I am finally learning to embrace as the angels cheer. Thank you for discernment and removing so many hooks from my back…
You keep telling me to write the real story of my life now. If it was possible to be with a brand new amazing man and be completely in love or get back with my raggedy lying ex and be in love with him, what I would I do? If I could trust that he’d never cheat on me, because he just didn’t want anyone else, I’d get back with him. And he could be flawed. He could be an ass. Whatever. I’d just love him. I’d just pick someone and love him. And let someone love me.
And all the spells would be broken. With my family. It’d be over now. We’d just love each other. I wouldn’t be so sad anymore. I wouldn’t be so broken. I would just be in love. I would know how to do it regardless of what anyone else did. But not my man. My man would love me, too. And I’d have friends who loved me, too. And if all my family couldn’t love me, then at least some of them would and my body wouldn’t hurt anymore when I’m around them. I’d stop crying all the time and smile again.
I would be held. That would be my dream. Someone would live life with me and hold me. Someone would decide to Love me. I guess for now, that someone could be me. That’s how my story would go. I would learn to love me. Quick. Today. Now. I’d get up on my behalf just as I’m doing now. But it would be easier than now. It’d be easier than I can imagine. It’d be fun. I’d be doing it with friends, companions. This part of my life would be fun at last. Although it would be work, it wouldn’t feel that way. I’d be able to step into a life I’ve never known. I’d be happy. I’d have sex. Good sex with someone who loved me.
And the sadness would control me never more. Perhaps I’ll give my sadness a name. Never More. In my new story, life is fun again. Even though I’m older now. Even though I’ve failed at so many things. I’m not the only one and now understand why so many have such a hard time smiling. We failed. It was hard. We got scared to try again. We settled for everything that makes our back hurt.
But in my new story, I don’t do that any more. I trust in my magic again, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. I motivate myself because I am not a kid anymore. I am the mother now. I am my own mother now. I am a grown up and I am the leader now. Leadership is not a bad thing anymore. I have leadership over my life now. And my leadership style is fun. I am finally able to follow through on things in my new story. I just do it. I just face Never More, put him in the back seat, let him cry, sometimes soothe him if he gets too loud, and then I follow through on life.
This is my new story. It’s not a sad story anymore. It is a story of redemption. A reconciliation and repair story. But God is the redeemer. I am the redeemer in my story. I have power. It’s not a dirty word anymore. I am able to make a choice over and over again until my life shifts.
My life force has been returned to me. Use it wisely and don’t be too hard on myself if I don’t. Love who I love when I love. Give it all away. Give it all away.
Ameen
Day 597
The Assignment (Give It All Away)
hownottocryeveryday 