Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
This is a short one. It just came to mind and I wanted to share with you. “No more practicing on how to live life and be on the court. You are on the court now. Show time.”
I was writing in my journal, trying to get it all together, and then I started writing that I’m gonna practice loving me so I can prep for blah blah blah. But then I had to stop. And write this out loud to everyone. Haven’t you practiced enough? Haven’t you prepped enough? Have you learned nothing yet? Why not live now? Keep practicing, but you will get so much better at life by living it instead of conceptualizing, hiding, not participating.
Oh, it is scary, but this sorry life is sorry enough now. It’s enough now. I went to this conference not too long ago and they made the analogy of life being like a sports game. Some people stay on the sidelines and watch other people play, and others get on the court and play ball. And they get beat and bruised and win and lose and go up and down, but the ones who play ball play ball and they experience life in a different way than the spectators. No judgement on the spectators. Without them, the players would have no audience and no reason to play. Everyone has their place in this creation we are making. But what is your place?
What is mine? I have been out of place. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been pretending. Even pretending so much that I’ve pretending to my own mind, deep deep in the subconscious grooves. I’ve been pretending I am shy. Pretending I am a spectator. Pretending I am scared. Pretending I’m a follower. Pretending I can’t get out of this rut. Tricked my own self long ago and thought I had no power. Well, I didn’t do all the tricking by myself. There was programming and exposure and experiences and lack thereof. But I bought into the lie a long time ago. I bought into the lie that the programming and the exposure and the experiences that I had early on was all there was to it. You know, it’s not quite fair, I don’t think. We get the okey doke before we even learn to think for ourselves, and then we live a whole life thinking we are whoever we were taught we were when we were so little and we fight and attract and validate and recreate those compensatory identities and dynamics for most of our lives.
I’ve been pretending that I can do life on my own, with this journal and my thoughts and whatever else I’ve been doing to get by. But I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. In fact, I’ve been beyond sad. It’s not even depressed anymore. It’s just beyond sad. Something like heartbroken. Something like trapped. Something like dead. A very small insignificant thing, barely breathing due to a humungous heart not shared. Suffering from a huge Love deficit.
In fact, I have wanted to share so much with the world for so long – my voice, my love, my stories, my joy – and have been so frustrated, so disappointed, so angry with life because I just haven’t been able to do it. And I’ve been trying. Life has been knocking me out and punching me in the face every time I almost get there, it seems. And mostly it hasn’t seemed fair. And I’ve been complaining and whining about the unfairness to myself and to others and to God and still it only makes life hate me more.
This has been my inner experience, distinguished now. Clear. This morning, though, with all the inner chatter, I’m taking a stand. It won’t be like I did before, all active and loud. It is a quiet stand and maybe it will go slow, maybe it will go fast. Maybe at times it will be exhilarating… But it will be 100%, little by little. I’ve had enough of crying every day. For real for real. It may even mean I’ve had enough of this blog. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll change the title. I’m sure about that yet. I’m not interested in how not to cry every day anymore. It was needed when it was needed and it was needed for a long time. I just didn’t want to be hurting all the time.
But that is a reactionary intention. And like I said, it’s needed when it’s needed, It’s the process of healing, First you stabilize. First you get the patient to stop trembling. First you detox through so many methods. I’ve been saying to myself and others that I’m a healer all along, but I haven’t ever really taken it serious. You know, there are people out there doing retreats and leading classes and doctoring and taking healer stuff serious. I haven’t. I haven’t taken much of myself serious because I’ve been so busy trembling and crying and reacting to the big, bad wolves.
And God has been beating me down and beating me down trying to get me to learn this one lesson that has had me so fearful for so long. Pull the plug. Pull the plug on it all. Let it be over. You’ve been afraid for it to be over because this has been your life and you’ve been used to it and who will you be when it is over? You don’t even know and you’ve been so afraid of that. But what is it costing you? I’m talking to myself. Look at my shitty shit underactualized life. I mean, not to get too down on myself, but this will no longer do. This is so longer me.
I’ve gone through the healer’s training now, and honestly, I would not be qualified to help sick people had I never been sick. I spent the majority of my young adult life as healthy and as lucky they come, I never knew defeat. I never knew struggle. I never wanted any single thing that didn’t come to me luckily and magically. And I couldn’t even fathom the concept of pleasing myself while disappointing another or getting another’s disapproval. If you have never had to count to ten and use all your effort just to get out of bed and get some water… if you have never had to suspend belief in all appearances just so you could find a way to figure out how to pay some bills… if you have never had to do the last thing – see yourself drowning in the quicksand dirty mud with every name called against you and a foot on your head, and decide to get up, on your own instead of just sinking, then it will be hard for you to empathize with others who struggling with wanting to stay in life and get out on the court.
I have to stop writing, as the day has started and there is much to do. I already stopped my stream of consciousness and answered two calls to make arrangements to pay bills, made another call to resolve a work issue, responded to a message, and ignored two other calls. This is the quicksand I’ve been avoiding. Responsibility. Answering so many calls. Solving so many problems. Giving it a go one more time. But things don’t go away, you know.
You can ignore them, but they don’t go away. They just weigh you down as unfinished business… I lost track of where my thoughts were at the beginning of this blog. Refocus. I was excited because I was ready to get out of practice mode and get on with the living. Fear now once to stop me before the blog’s end and get me right back into conceptualizing and writing all these theories. And so fear, you and I will talk today. I understand why you are here. Many things have happened and we have been hurt so, so much by being in the world and being vulnerable to wolves. We’ve been eaten and beaten and beaten down and pushed around and neglected and abandoned and used and abused and cheated and vampires and not seen and judged so harshly and attacked and spit on if we complain to boot. And so, fear, I see that you have been trying to protect me from going through all that pain again, because it seems like every time I go into the world, I just can’t help it. Those are the types of relationships and dynamics I experience. And so, fear, you came in to protect me. So I don’t go all wide hearted and consort with flesh eating demons till they eat me and I die. I thank you, my darling fear. I needed you. I sure as heck was making so many choices that didn’t keep me safe, and you needed to pull me right out of the world so I could stop it and stop killing myself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe for so long. I have been safe and I appreciate you so much for not letting me die. But I want more than safety and survival now, sweet fear. This won’t do anymore. It’s lonely here by myself, and thanks to you and the stability you’ve given me by keeping me away from the world, and giving me enough water, I feel my heart again. It has been broken, but it still has life in it. And it wants to Love. And it wants to be Loved more than anything in this world. And it just can’t do it by itself. I mean, that’s where we started. I was writing in my journal that I’m going to practice Loving myself. But why practice alone in an apartment? Why not Love myself for real? Now? Now now now now now. Now. Why not Love others for real? Now. Why not allow myself be Loved? Now. Accept it. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Fear? There are others ways to be safe. Wisdom and discernment and self love and thinking about what’s good for me instead of trying to please others can help me from being so hurt in the world again. And making intentions about how I want to be and what I want to give can help tremendously. And power and light. Showing up as power and light can make the demons go away and protect us. It’s different. Different than anything I’ve ever done. I’m just tired of practicing now. So let’s get up and out as we are, let’s just live it. Put a new foundation. We know what we know. Instead of living from “life isn’t fair”, how about we be the magic healer woman that we are, and stop judging our power and our magic as bad or feeling guilty that we don’t give to whoever wants it on demand. Give it to ourselves and then give it to who we choose to give it to when we choose to give to whomever for whatever reason we want. Part of my magic is in my words, and so I use them… Forget about life being fair or unfair. That’s no longer a construct that guides me. Pull the plug on all distorted constructs and make a declaration. Like Abraham Hicks said, “I am a good person and I deserve a good life.” I expand. Others are good people and they deserve a good life. God is for me and not against me and he helps me have a good life. I am a good person. My good is received by the world. I declare. 100%. My good is received by the world and I am respected, loved, appreciated, honored, valued and treated with such care and tenderness by others… Jealously and judgement has no power over me. My foundation is love and reciprocity. I receive and value my whole self and treat myself with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness… I look for the good in others and I receive and value other’s whole selves and treat them with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness…
Y’all. Let me get off this blog today. Have a Blessed day.
Love,
Laydie
Day 572
Show Time
Good day. Happy New Year. Something very different happens here than when I write in my journal, when I talk to people, when I do any other kind of inner work. I process in a different way. It’s amazing. We are chameleons. We become different in different environments. We become different when we express ourselves in different ways…
What I want to do is close my eyes and type. And tell you that I am happy and at peace. It doesn’t look that way from the outside. In fact, from the outside perspective, my world fell apart recently. I got an unexpected health diagnosis and I don’t know how it will be resolved. Everything was going great, but not really. But really… Happy New Year.
I was thinking I’d do some introspection this morning. Go through a review of 2022 and make an intention for 2023. Surrender and Intend are on the mind. They sound like oxymorons. The one implies releasing control and the other implies controlling everything. In my Feminine Power course, I remember being introduced to the concept of co-creation. I am sure that this is the most important thing to understand right now. How to make a life. What are the foundational principles to take us out of victimhood at last?
So I wrote this mantra in my journal. “Things happen all the way for me.” In fact, I’m going to soak it in for fifteen minutes before I continue writing…
So. What happened is I tried to look in my life and find at least one place where things have happened all the way, and also find one place where I could complete things all the way today. It was challenging. I found things from the past. Once upon a time, I was a teacher all the way. Certified all the way. With a certified teaching job all the way. Even was voted Rookie Teacher of the Year all the way. And had a paycheck all the way. And no or low debt all the way. But that was a long time ago… It didn’t satisfy. So I thought about today. Is there anything in my life today that is an all the way manifestation of something I had wanted? Was there anything now that was complete? It didn’t happen in my meditation, but as I write, I am thinking of my hammock. It’s not a ten year all the way, but a two year wish that manifested all the way. I have a hammock. It eases pain in my back and help me relax. It is my best kept secret that’s not a secret. I feel like a kid when I think of it and I want to tell the whole world, “Ha ha! I got something nice for me. I deserve nice things, too. I can have nice things, too, just like you. Why not me?” It is a thing that happened to me all the way. My friend who put it together hung the hammock inside out. He does not care about things happening all the way, and I don’t blame or judge him. I was not in the consciousness of things happening all the way until two days ago, and my whole life has been an attestation to that.
So, this year, a year of almosts, a year of breakdowns, a year of near deaths, a year of intention, a year of fighting for my very Blessed life and peace of mind, a year of so much grief and sorrow, has led us here. The all the way place. Shall we do a quick review and set some intentions?
This year, I’d like to write my life like a story. An all the way story. Or a song. Or a poem. There are components to this, you know. You can start in any order, but the five story components in a screenplay (according to Jeffrey Gordon of Writer’s BootCamp), are the main character and their misbehavior (misbehavior is the unconscious behavior that keeps the character from getting what they want), the story adventure (what actually happens), the opponent (the person, place, thing that is in the way of the main character getting what they want), the dynamic (the main person, place or thing that the main character is interacting with and the nature of their relationship dynamic which inevitably shifts as the story progresses), and then there is the genre (the particular story conceits that fit into an agreed upon mode of storytelling). I’d like to add tone to this. When you edit a story, you get to the tone and little details on how the story goes.
I am rewriting the story of my life. A do over. Not an edit. There’s a difference between a rewrite and an edit. I will keep the content, but orient it differently. We are moving from a horror, tragedy, dark thriller, weird sci-fi script to a romance or a romantic comedy or a joyful action/adventure. Something different now. And I’m not going to make this hard and calculate everything. I think that is what is meant when you find the balance between surrender and intention, without trying to be so much in control of everything. I’m downright tired of trying to control everything. It doesn’t work. I’ve barely even been able to control anything of myself, much less how other people are or world events. But I can intend and be like a plant. Give myself what is needed to thrive and to become the plant I was meant to be. This pushing against the world is exhausting. I am sure there is another way to live.
So, back to where I started. All The Way. Things happen all the way for me. This year in Review. Shall we start at the end? December I got sick. I got invited to a miracle opportunity, got sponsored and everything, to go to a life changing conference in New York. It’s a high priced event, and an organization paid the bill for me. I just had to get there and find a place to lodge for five days. Do you know I am a master hustler? I’ve been living in LA and holding an apartment for eleven years, a feat in and of itself, but what’s more is that I haven’t had a full-time job in seven years, since I first got sick and disabled. In those seven years, I have learned how to hustle. Sell stuff. Get a subletter. Beg. Work a quick gig that’ll give at least $1000 in a few days. Hustle. There has never been a time that I’ve tried to hustle up a grand or more and haven’t been able to. But this December, it did not work. I did every blessed thing I always do – things that get me money in a day or less. Every time I’ve put my apartment on the market to sublet (my guaranteed plan B hustle), it has always rent for at least $1250 within twelve hours of posting it. But this time, nothing. Not a single subletter responded to my add. Couldn’t sell a single thing. Quick gigs didn’t come through at last minute. Begging didn’t work. Friends had no couches in New York to me and I just wasn’t willing to be some man’s snack in exchange for room. And I couldn’t come up with the money to get to New York and have a place to stay. And so I didn’t go to my amazing conference. Subsequently, I got really sick, but this time, it’s a sickness that’s not diagnosed yet, but could change my life forever. An amazing life changing film opportunity that I thought I was going to get didn’t come through, and so my new year plans were squashed. And there was a man I loved, but I think he stopped loving me. I pushed him away, actually. He lives far away and I threatened him and told him that I’d dump him if I don’t see him by a certain date. Told him I’d date someone near to me this year and not talk to him if I don’t see him by now. Told him to stop telling me he loves me he loves me and saying all this stuff unless/until he was ready to take action and told him to leave me alone. Yep. I said all that. I’m sure it broke his heart and broke his trust. ‘Cus how could I say all that to him. How I could I leave him just because he’s not doing what I want on my timeline? I apologized, but he’s not back with me. He doesn’t call me. Doesn’t say he loves me anymore. Doesn’t write me songs like he used to. Doesn’t answer when I ask if he still loves me. He invited me to see him finally, and I’m supposed to go, but there’s sadness between us now.
He could be a big fat player like Dream Lover was, just saying this and that and pulling back now because he realized I’m not falling for his games and his wife came in town. Or he could be a love bird with a broken heart because he realized the woman that he loves will dump and leave him at the slightest.
I can’t say I miss him particularly, but I did like him very much. Actually, I do miss the idea of him so much. He opened up my heart. But he was a fairytale. Something about him reminded me of Dream Lover, and it means that he was unavailable either because he’s boo’d up some how or because his consciousness is like mine was – he cannot hold a real thing. His love was a dream, and he is the mirror that made me think of my mantra this year. Dreams and reality. We have all these ideas, but they are away from us. Do you understand? They are out there. This idea of a dream lover has been out there. Just a dream. Not a goal. Not a possible reality for me. If I try to imagine me… me, actually loving someone and him loving me back at the same time, my mind gets a block. My breath hyperventilates. Even when I tried to imagine myself getting the amazing film opportunity that I ended up not getting, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t hold the image in my mind without feeling like I was pushing against something that wasn’t for me.
And I’ve been here in this almost life striving and striving and striving for far too long. It feels scary to hope. It feels scary to imagine something different. Because I can manage this, you know. I have learned how to be OK with bags unpacked and a kitchen with dishes unwashed. I have learned to live without a bed ever fully made and clothes not quite hung up. I have managed broken toilet seats or toilet seats that don’t fit quite right and scripts completed, but without quite incorporating the changes I know I wanted to put. I have met amazing men and gotten used to them leaving or deceiving me. I can live through that. And my family? Well, I have mostly never felt the things I’ve wanted to feel – loved and accepted and supported to thrive in a deep way, where people are happy for me even if even if, and I’ve learned to live with that. Forgiven. I have felt so hated by them always. So resented. Throw friends in there, too. Not everyone, but most of the ones who have been in my story dynamic thus far.
There have been angels in my life, too. There are still angels in my life. But I digress. My point is, most of my life has been an almost dream come true, even down to my very apartment unwashed dishes, and I’d like to change that this year. It’s a huge task to undertake, and it will not be done without focus and intention and help. My survival mind wants to jump out and get busy making big ol’ plans about my new story and mapping out my life again, but we’ve done that before. We’ve had all these witty concepts and strategies and they didn’t work. Mostly they were avoidance mechanisms that left us with subpar work and results.
I have a Master’s in Film Producing, but I don’t feel confident in my film Producing skills. I’m a filmmaker, but most of my reel is not edited in a way that demonstrates my talent. I’m a writer, but nothing is published as of yet. I’m such a huge romantic lover, but there is no one in my life that I fully give my heart to and no one who gives his heart to me. And, I never used to identify as an artist, but I’m a free-spirited artistic type, but my home and all my things are not quite all the way right yet. My hair ain’t right. My body ain’t right. My skin ain’t right. My money ain’t right. My relationships ain’t right. Lol. I’m not saying this to get down on myself. I’m saying this so I can call a thing a thing and then get on with a thing. So shaking that energy off, my wise inner knowing says that the way forward is to put one step in front of the other with one thing at a time.
The way to completion is completion. So many doors open already. So much unfinished business now. No need to start a new plan. Yes, intend a new story, but more than a new story, intend a new tone and watch the story change. The adventure you are on now is a journey to actualize your life and live in alignment with Source and in integrity. You have all the tools you need and then some, and now it is time to use them. Your prescription to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way for me” complete and aligned life is to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way” complete and aligned life. How? Medicine three times a day until it becomes your life, and even after it becomes your life, medicine three times a day to sustain your life. And what do I mean by medicine? For now, meditation. Things happen all the way three times a day. Say it and see it. Soften your resistance. Allow it. Look for it. Acknowledge it. Bring it into your awareness that it is possible for you – yes you, for things to happen all the way.
It is possible that you could have a Master’s in Film Producing from the most prestigious film school in the world and actually produce films and have your films produced and make a lot of money from it and have good health insurance and people paying you per diem and giving you hotel rooms and fancy living to have fun making stuff. Go figure. Wasn’t that the plan if things happen all the way?
And it’s possible that you could have an organized house. Shoot, did I just say house???? Yes, I did. It’s possible that you could have a house. But let’s start with an apartment, since that is where we are now. It’s possible that your apartment could be a home. With a comfy couch and a dish set that actually has all the dishes and clean floors and enough towels and blankets. And two night stands and a headboard. An all the way bedroom. And you could have a toilet seat that fits your toilet. And bedsheets could be washed and smell fresh. Go figure.
And there could be a man. This one is hard for me to write. There could be a man that is your new family. And maybe even kids. And this family of yours, the family of your birth, could be secondary now. The become extended family because that is what happens when you grow up and things happen all the way. This is the third act of your story. In fact, the third act is over and you didn’t even realize. You passed the test. You lived through the individuation. Yes, broken up and beaten and sadder than ever before, but oh, so hopeful about life.
And this is what you needed. To all the way pull your life force away from everyone else and turn it towards you. I know that it sounds selfish, but don’t think about it too much. Selfless didn’t work for you, OK? They called you selfish anyway even as you gave blood and blood for their cause. Don’t think of it too much. If things happen all the way for you, then you will need all of you for these things to happen. Imagine if you could love yourself as much as you loved others. If you could be OK resting in a hammock sometimes. You’d be perfectly fine buying a hammock and giving it to someone else to comfort them and they’d be perfectly fine receiving it and even act like you owed it to them and be ungrateful about it. Could you owe it to yourself now? You need it, you know. You’re gonna need your gifts and your strength and your power to break through all this past patterning and these past beliefs.
So the prescription (it’s for me, but maybe you, too):
-three times a day, meditate on things happen all the way, and allow yourself to visualize these things you dreamed of and set goals around happening to you all the way. Take in the good of a clean kitchen. Let it be reality.
-One time a day, after meditation, journal about places in your life where things have happened all the way and give appreciation for them. You have a hammock. It is an all the way. You live in an apartment in LA. It is an all the way dream come true. See? You can do things all the way. Give your mind and body evidence of what is possible.
-And last but not least, every blessed day, complete something all the way. Don’t make this hard. Make it easy until it gets easier. Start with your house, script, and ten year-old “to-do” list because those have most energy for you. For example, I have a never ending list of things that need to be completed. Today, I will flip over my hammock to the correct position. And then I’ll have an organized piece of my house that happened all the way. This is how we build self trust. I’m not going to talk about my filming and my man and my family and my farm – it is so much to do – but my goal for this quarter in my life is to create the conditions for all these things to actualize. I’ve written lists upon list on how to actualize these in the past and didn’t fully follow through on any of them yet, but I believe that as I focus on completing the things in my apartment that I’ve been wanting to complete for years, and take daily small actions towards my other needs and goals and take my prescription medicine, my vibration will shift and sooner than later, I will see things manifested…
-put the energy of joy, love, enthusiasm and receptivity in everything you do. It is a practice you’re not used to, but you can get used to this.
Things happen all the way for me. I guess I’ll give the review of my year… So. I just wrote a monthly breakdown of my year, but it had a lot of personal things about personal people in my life. I deleted it because it paints them kind of bad. And yes, while they are mostly full of the most shitty shit, I don’t know who reads this blog and I don’t think they are quite ready to let the world know the wicked things they’ve done so they can redeem themselves. So this is an abridged version of year in review:
Jan – April – Overseas. Fell out with mom, brother, boyfriend and sister. Trust broken. Relationships separated. Hired new people for farm. Health started declining. Joined therapy group.
May – July – Came back to states. Asked for help with filmmaking career and started completing portfolio. Spent time with family. Went on a retreat for three weeks. Fell out with mom some more and fell out with a different sister. Got sick and thought I was going to die. Mission to get back to Cali.
August – September – Still down south with family. Different location. Scammed about a career opportunity. Started dating but getting tricked by these men left and right (not too tricked, though). Got sick again. Mission Cali.
October – November – Film stuff kicking off. People recruiting me for stuff. Someone said they loved my script and wanted to make it. Other things almost fell together but fell apart. Met amazing men. Living life like golden in the Hollywood world. Almost materializations. Nothing quite complete.
December – Another amazing opportunity for conference. Almost made it. Therapy group over. Almost made it to end retreat. Got sick again. This time scarier than ever.
What can we can conclude? 2022 was a year of falling apart. Dematerialization in preparation for new things. I’m OK with it now. It was, in fact, the best year in a long time even though it didn’t look that way. I discovered my misbehavior. And what is my misbehavior? Well, if you want to know yours, just look at how people treat you. The way people treat you is a reflection of what you think about yourself and what you think about others and life. People treat me like shit. They don’t appreciate anything I do for them – they don’t even see it. They support the most horrendous abuses on me and judge me like a rotten pig. They don’t consider my feelings when making decisions that impact me, mostly feel offended or drained if I ask them to do the most basic life saving things for me, and to top it all off, expect me to champion, hero and support them and carry all their loads, contribute to all their whatever, even to my detriment at all times with any amount of notice and won’t give me any credit or appreciate me – might even resent me for doing stuff and accuse me of ill intent – and want me to smile whilst it’s all happening and come back in their lives with no accountability for nothing ever.
So, why me? Is it because I’m such a bad person? Is it because I have faults that are any more unforgivable than my offenders’ faults? It is because I’m less worthy of compassion than your average Joe? I look at all the things and look at how I treat myself. Do I appreciate myself or recognize the things I do for others? Not really. I walk around like I ain’t shit and like I’m supposed to do everything I’ve done. No need to thank me or consider me or pay me for anything I do. I will carry your burden and forsake what’s good for me happily, to the point that you will forget that I live to do anything but serve you. I always judge myself harshly and it’s only this year that I started saying no to people who abuse me. I never thought my feelings were important. Would just do stuff as if my needs were too much. I was too sensitive or too picky or whatever, but other people weren’t. It would be too much for me to ask to have a bed in my own house, but OK for another person to ask for the same. Etc. etc. You get the point.
Another tool for change. It hasn’t happened all the way, but it’s happening slowly. As I learn to treat myself in the ways I want to be treated and I learn to treat others in the ways I want to be treated, I’m sure my life will shift.
I know I won’t change everything overnight. There’s so much to deal with. I’ll start with the three things on my prescription list: “Things happen all the way for me”, complete one thing at a time, appreciate and recognize the good, and fix my face and tone.
This has been a long read. A little raw and honest. A little bitter. A little healing. I’m a person, y’all. A bonafide, whole person. I know you’re probably judging me. It’s OK if you don’t like me. Haha! It’s ok if you don’t like me. I probably don’t like you, either. Haha! That feels so good to say. I’m finally OK with that. I Love you, though. And I love me anyway. And I hope you are well. I want for me what I want for everyone. A good life. Even to my haters and oppressors. A good life. I can’t do anything but love this year. My heart just won’t let me anymore. A good life, a good life, a good life. God Bless you everyone, and Happy 2023.
Love,
Laydie
Day 573
Completion Completion (Things Happen All The Way For Me)
Debt. Completion. Support. Thriving. Anxiety. So many things on the mind. My entire body is acting a plumb fool with the tingles right now. I have an opportunity in front of me. A miracle. So many miracles these past two months. This one might be the biggest.
A stranger has offered to help me in ways that would make me thrive. But I need to come up with some money soon. Like today. I can’t tell you what the offer is, but it’s big. Like those stories you hear from celebrities. You know how, like, you hear a celebrity say some rich white person took them in when they were homeless and mentored them and introduced them to whoever who ultimately gave them their big break? This opportunity is comparable. I feel in my bones that it will change my life forever. But I have to get some money quick – like today – and I feel afraid, afraid, afraid of so much.
Guilt is on my mind. Guilt from my family. I always feel guilty when something good happens to me if it’s not happening for my family… Feel guilty for dumping a guy from my project recently. He lives to disrespect me, yet still, I feel guilty for not allowing him to stay around, because staying around makes him feel loved, happy and hopeful… His work is mediocre…
Feel guilty about a recent break-up with a friend. Real Housewives From Atlanta type stuff. Was working a project. Friend brought wife on project team. So there were four of us on team – me, friend, wife, and another person. We had a team meeting. The meeting was supposed to be about project strategy. My friend is the lead. I asked friend about strategy. He didn’t have one, but I didn’t realize in the moment that he was embarrassed about not having one. I didn’t realize that he doesn’t talk to his other team members like he and I talk. If he and I were talking alone, he’d say he doesn’t have a strategy, and then I’d say OK, let’s talk it through, and then we’d talk it through and come up with a strategy. But in a group of people, his wife included, he felt embarrassed about not having a strategy and I pressed the issue, like I would do on a one-on-one meet with him, until he got upset and got off the group call. In the moment, I didn’t understand why he was upset. Me and the two remaining group members continued the call. I asked them if I had done something wrong. Everyone said no. I explained to them what had transpired between me and friend before meeting. I assumed everyone knew because the one person was his wife and the other person was someone who had known friend longer than I had. We finished the call and I said I would talk to friend personally before we got on a new group meeting.
Then, a few days later, I got an email from friend’s wife. Friend was cc’d on it. She emailed me in a very accusatory tone telling me she wanted us all to meet before Thanksgiving so we can just enjoy the holiday with our families. I didn’t appreciate her tone. But more than that, I didn’t appreciate her emailing me instead of friend calling me. He has my number. We’ve worked together many times before and he’s called and texted me at all hours of the day many times before. And he is the one who abruptly got off of our group call without explanation. I thought about how to reply to the email, but I couldn’t think of a non ghetto way, so I just didn’t reply and the suggested meeting date passed.
Then my friend called me a few days ago. Had a big attitude. “Why didn’t I reply to wife’s email?” he asked. I told him I was waiting to hear from him. He said he doesn’t do business like that, and I said I don’t do business like that, either. Told him how I felt about him jumping off the phone and then sending wife to reconcile his issues like I did something to him, when all I’ve ever done is try and make sure his project succeeds. And as I’m writing this up, I’m thinking about support and have an answer to the issue I was struggling with. Why have I been so OK with putting my time, energy and life into wanting him to thrive, without a second thought, but I’m so resistant to having anyone support me in that way? That was my initial thought when starting to write this blog… Anyway, the story. I told friend how I felt unappreciated and then friend said I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend by making it seem like he has no strategy and he’s not doing anything. I was blown away. That was never my intention and I had no idea he felt that way. I told him the only reason I’m on the project is because I’m his friend and I want him to succeed. He’s not paying me. No one in the world could pay me right now to be on their project because I have my own things I want to do. And so if I’m helping anyone with anything at all, it’s because I’m with them and I want them to win. But I’m making a sacrifice. I’m giving them my heart and my Life force to lift them and carry them into thriving, or help them out of something, and it hurts so bad when I feel like I’m giving so much and people don’t appreciate it or think I’m out to hurt or sabotage them.
It’s a painful pattern that’s happened in my life.
Friend said he had to call me back. He called back. We talked about the issue. Made apologies. Squashed it. Said we’d move forward on the project. Somewhere on the call, I said that his wife had sent me a passive-aggresive accusatory email which I found disrespectful. Wife (who is almost always on his calls on speaker phone although friend never announces her to be as much) said she wanted to address my statement about her email. She got on the phone and started talking crazy to me, telling me I tried to underhandedly embarrass friend and this is a business relationship and not a friendship and I think I’m doing friend favors… I told her she’s not paying me. Nobody is. But if they want to pay me the value of the services I’m offering, they can call it a business relationship. Otherwise, it looks like a friend doing favors to me. But that’s not the point. The point is, she was treating me like I’m not on their team. Like I have ill will for them. She spoke on how I never had to mention any of my other projects during our team meetings. I had mentioned one of my other projects because I had been getting opportunities on said projects and whilst getting opportunities, the people asked me if I had other projects and I spoke about my friend’s joint project in the context of those opportunities. Wife said I was going on a tirade about my opportunities. She was getting loud on the phone and I told her to stop yelling at me. She told me to stop interrupting her. This happened two times. On the third time, I said you gotta be kidding me. I’m not staying on the phone with someone yelling at me. She said she’s not kidding me and kept yelling and I said bye bye and hung up on her face…
Some hours later, friend called me. He tried to yell (but he’s not a good yeller) and said he didn’t like the way I spoke to his wife, I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend and did things underhanded, and because of that, he wants me the eff off the production and he’ll have his lawyer give me my producer and writing credits and money when the film is made. Then he hung up.
I was floored. But I’ve been through people of accusing me of worse things when I did less. My own sister thought I was going to let her down in an ocean because I thought she was bad, and that I started a whole rumor about her, none of which ever happened – I had just gone out to visit her to show her that I loved her… but family members believed her even though everyone witnessed that I had never said a single negative thing about her… I’m thinking of the summer this all happened. The summer I got well. The same summer creative opportunities started coming my way. The same summer family left and right kept asking for my support with so many things and I put my opportunities aside and helped them. Mostly unappreciated. Mostly resented for my contribution and unacknowledged somehow…
I wonder about these things.
After my friend cursed at me for the first time ever since knowing him, I sent him a message. Told him I never tried to embarrass him. It was not intentional. Told him if he doesn’t know that, then he doesn’t know me at all and wished him good luck.
Meanwhile, overseas, my ex the Demon Possessed was doing demon stuff and trying to disrespect me passive aggressively whilst engaging with my family. They either don’t see his red horns or don’t know what to do about it. But I think everyone sees red horns. Everyone feels energy. We just like to lie to ourselves because we don’t want to deal with the consequences of truth. But I digress. Red Horns always rubs me some kind of way. He did me so dirty and he keeps on. I’ve been with him in essence before. First Love, the Abuser, who love hated me. It’s quite amazing how deep these things go. I can talk about him now. I don’t know if he’s made it this blog this much. I have the words for him now. The Abuser mentally and emotionally abused me, pulled my hair out and choked me once in an argument till I punched him in the face. Tried to scare me another time till I pretended to call the cops. Cheated on me multiple times, married a whole other person and had a whole other family while he was overseas on military duty, never helped me with much money or anything else and I believe he still owes me something like $2,000 till this day. Disabled the engine on my car when I got my first professional teaching job so he could sabotage me going to work. Told me things like, “you’re not a woman”. How was this my life? I met him when I was seventeen. Fell in love with him at first site.
I’m trying to figure out why all these things happened to me. You see, when so many bad things happen, it is hard to believe that you’re not a bad person. But it’s not that simple. Because people still want you around, you know? People still smile genuine, happy smiles when I come around and share their secrets with me and want me to be a part of their everythings every time and say they miss me and mean it. But mostly, they hate me, too. For things I mostly didn’t mean to do. Or even if I did, it’s nothing more than they’ve done or would do to me.
I gets no love or compassion or forgiveness in these streets. Forget about help thriving. So, here we are.
Me. Wanting to thrive. And knowing I can’t do it alone. And having no one in my life who is doing life with me who I can fully trust. “Meet new people”, a voice in head says, and meet I must, but the conundrum is real.
After cussing me out and kicking me off project, friend messaged me and apologized. I wrote a poem about this some years ago, when my sis gave me a bogus apology for something she had said to me. “He said sorry. He didn’t mean it. What he meant is I’m sorry that I pushed you to the limit. Is there a limit now, for what you’ll do for me?… I don’t want your sorry sorry. I want you to Love me.”
Friend still wants me to be on project. I told Demon ex to stay away from my family unless he can be respectful to me and kicked him off our project. I’m sure there is a correlation that my brain doesn’t have the words for. Giving away my gifts and power to everyone but me. Not having the good in me seen. Aligning in relationships with men who want to abuse me. I can’t understand it. I’m sure I learned about it in some toxic relationship training at a job or a book or school or something. I remember the feeling from my ex and my mom – this love, hate I’m gonna try and squash you if you don’t accept my bad behavior type feeling… but I so don’t understand it anymore. I used to make it mean that I’m bad.
But I’m not. It’s just not true. I’m just not that bad. I know the thoughts and intentions I have for others… I’m just not as bad as they think I am. And I don’t feel like deserved so many bad things that happened to me. And I feel angry and sad and afraid of everything.
And here is this lady trying to help me move forward in real ways. And there is a possibility that other good things could happen, too. And it’s so big that my mind is thinking of sabotaging so that I don’t hope too much and get disappointed. I can manage my unactualized life through blogs and busy things, etc. And my Spirit is saying that I can’t manage this at all and will probably walk straight into the ocean and never come back if this shitty shit life is the same next year.
So here we are. What you gone do, Laydie? my ghetto Spirit asks. I’m writing a blog to sort it through. I got a letter in the mail this morning. Offer for a $10,000 loan, I need just about $10,000 to do everything I want until January. I took the loan letter as a blessing and a sign and started to apply. But somewhere in the application, they asked for my car insurance. My car insurance has just expired yesterday, and I didn’t have much money. But I sold something cash yesterday and had the cash to pay for insurance, so I went and put the money in my bank account and paid for my car insurance.
Somewhere on the way, I thought about the loan. Yes, it would help with everything today, but still it is a loan. I will have to pay it back. It is support, but debt. And then I thought about myself, and how that is the only kind of support I’m comfortable with. Not real support. Not anything that would actually move me forward forward into thriving. There must be a catch. A stress in the future. Some unspoken grimy relationship agreement. I just can’t let myself be lifted all the way. Or at least it used to be like that. Up until these past five minutes of writing…. I was wondering if I should apply for the loan, and couldn’t figure it out, and so I took to writing this blog so I could sort my thoughts.
And sort I have done. My back and back of head are tingling. I’d like a different experience of life, God. I want you to help me, please. I need You to help me, please. I know You can fix my sabotaging thoughts. I know you can heal my relationships or help me start new ones, but give me peace around them all. I know You can. And if You are me, then I know I can. I want to. I want to get it right this time. You say don’t take the Loan and reach out for real support. Real support has no debt attached to it. Can you imagine. Real support is happy to see you thrive. Not just survive. Thrive. Can you imagine? Allowing yourself to thrive? Accepting the level of good intention that you give to others? Allowing others to be “with” you in your awakening. You matter. You’re important. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. You deserve it. And you can commit. You can show up. I know this is harder than you ever thought hard can be, but I am with you. The world is not against you. You don’t have to fight it.
Just do your best, streamline your intention and focus, and choose. Do you want to receive this opportunity? Choose it. Fully. Even when you feel the resistance and the tremors. Ask them to talk to you. But get work done today. Take action today. Don’t spend too much time talking to tremors. Acknowledge them, touch them with Love, and keep it moving. You can get used to this. There is nothing wrong with people supporting you to thrive. You’re worth it. You’ve earned it. You’re not a bad person. Can you imagine how much good you will do with your thriving? Can you imagine how much good you have already done? You are an amazing person, Laydie. In your prayer today, go to a new place. Choose to have the support you need to thrive, and watch the miracle occur. Choose to thrive. Choose to accept the new life that is already here.
I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.
Ameen
Day 571
Support
Five hundred seventy days. It’s a weird day today, y’all. I don’t quite know how to start it. So I’m here, sorting. I woke up exchanging messages with a sister, my secret cheerleader… I feel the Love and appreciate my relationship with this sis. We are honest with each other, even about things we don’t agree on, and somehow we are still able to bond even though we don’t agree on some things…
I am here. In LA. In the only dwelling in the world that has my name on it. I’ve been here a little upwards of a month. I’m kind of proud that I’ve kept an apartment in LA for over ten years. And I’m ready to leave it now. It’s full of stuff. People gave me furniture and I collected my old things from my brother’s place. So the apartment is stuffy because I haven’t sorted through and gotten rid of and organized stuff. And I realize I’m actually a minimalist. I don’t like to see a lot of stuff crowded everywhere. I like to have space to do cartwheels.
I’d like a house. Can you imagine? I’ve never in my life thought that I’d like a house until recently. Or a family. Or all these things that normal people have. I’ve been in the mud for a long, long time, y’all, but I’m finally coming out. I thought family was my birth family, and have been tied to them for so long in a way that just don’t make sense for a grown woman. Didn’t even think of the idea of family being a new family with a man and kids and you transition to a place where your birth family is still there, but they are now your secondary family, not the primary…
Sometimes it’s embarrassing when I look back and see all the things that have kept my focus for so long. Most of it has nothing to do with the things that I feel I came to Earth to do… “Forgive yourself, Wonoh”, a voice tells me.
I am wondering what’s the best use of time today. I’m not depressed anymore. My whole life has changed even though it doesn’t necessarily look like it on first glance. Well, it looks like it in my skin. My skin looks great and young! And my eyes and teeth look bright and white. My body is OK. I have fat pockets here and there, but it works mostly. But what others can’t see is how I feel these days. Some days are awful and some days are awesome, but most days, the awful doesn’t sink me. I don’t run away from feeling things. I just feel them and cry or tremble or sleep or sometimes jump into action, but most times, there is a part of me that didn’t used to be there. The part that knows that the feelings will pass. The part that knows that the sky isn’t in fact falling.
This is new and amazing. Because it allows me to grieve until I’m griefed. I know griefed isn’t a word, but you get it.
On my potential list for the day is put out for money making opportunities, write, sort out and clean up my apartment, reach out for a man, connect with friends, return a million emails, phone calls and messages, put stuff online to sell so I can move stuff out of my garage and park there, do my therapy work and set goals and intentions and follow up on our group communications, follow up on social media communications, prep for a meeting tomorrow, follow up on a meeting I had last week. One thing I already did on the list is clean up some of my email so I can receive messages again, go and exercise at my friend’s gym and say hi to friend, wash car…
I’d like to complete some things today and I’m wondering if there is anything on my list that I could actually complete today and if there is anything urgent to complete. My house needs some cleaning and space. Also, I’d like to do my therapy work because it helps keep me intentional and aligned, I’d like to see my friend at the gym because his energy is amazing and it’s good exercise. And I really need to get some money coming in and get my car off the street parking so it will be safe.
Spirit says defer to Spirit to get clarity on where to point arrow. I had been under the weather for the past four or five days. I did something different than I usually do. I just chilled. Slept. Drank water. Ate. And now my energy is restored. Quickly I am guided to get rid of things and make space for the new. Finish my therapy work today, my Spirit says, for it is a good guide for action in the direction of things that are important to me. And put in for lots of money so we can get that monkey off our back and coast into the new year. Exercise today, but go and see your friend tomorrow. Pray about a man. You need your partner now. It is enough of being alone. This part of your life is not meant to be alone… You are not meant to be alone.
I wish My People would have picked me to be his wife – such an awesome guy – but he didn’t. There is much to muse about, but my thirty minutes of writing is up. So what did you tell me to do, God? Go check on my car on the street. Put in prayer/meditation time, put things online to sell/get rid of, FINISH therapy work, and reach out for one money, honey opportunity. That’s three things. Do them well. Three things a day works miracles. Write for 15 min and up to one hour max. Get your room in order if you have the strength and energy…
Later Alligators!
Have a Blessed day.
Day 570
What To Do In A Day
Can I tell you what this feels like? Have you ever had a Charly horse? Or like, has your foot or your leg ever fell asleep because you kept it in one position for a long time? And then you move it finally? And you feel all the tingly things all throughout your body and it hurts like hell? Well that’s what I feel like.
All over my body.
I’ve been feeling this way for about four days, ever since I did a thing. I did a thing that could change my life forever. I did a lot of things at the same time, but this particular thing was a thing thing. It was huge. I can’t tell you about it, but it was huge. In the midst of the doing, my back hurt, my leg hurt, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry and go to sleep. I’m sure I did cry. I talked to my inner child and called forth Woman King strength and asked God for grace and called upon my dead daddy. And I did a thing. Differently than I had ever done.
And then I couldn’t walk. My whole body became a tingly sleeping foot just coming alive. I’m not joking or exaggerating. The next day after doing a thing, I took a walk down the street. This particular walk normally takes me fifteen minutes. But it took me one whole hour this time. I couldn’t breathe. My legs were wobbly. My body was just feeling all these sensations that I don’t remember ever feeling before. And I had to think about each step before taking it.
I feel a bit afraid, but not of bad things. I am awakening and I know it. I’m coming alive for real for real. I feel confident that I can sustain this energy this time. I have proven to myself that I’m becoming trustworthy and I don’t do things that sabotage me any more. This is a huge deal to me and for me.
I guess I’m reaching out today because I’m proud of myself and I want to tell somebody. I did a thing, y’all. And I’m doing more things. I’m making good decisions finally. Choosing what helps me thrive and keeps me safe. I know y’all don’t like to hear me saying this, but I’m not giving all my life force and attention to my family. It feels so good to be able to say no to people. To be able to say, “please think of me, too, if you want me to think of you” and follow through with action. I’m feeling myself a bit. Because I’ve never done it. It’s been impossible for me to make that choice before – respect me and consider me and wish me well and be ok with me thriving – hell, celebrate me thriving – or you don’t get access to my personal personal inners on that level. Love me. Be interested in Loving me. No negotiations. Mistakes are allowed, but no negotiations…
I am grateful for everything, God. I pray that I can be here longer to do stuff now. Feel the effects and impact of this awakening. Experience what it feels like to be a good person living a good life. Experience what it feels like to exchange real Love with people on a level I don’t even dare to imagine. Experience my Love and all I give being received and appreciated and valued. Redemption and reconciliation…
I’m not going to write too much more. My body is buzzing and kind of hurting in a good way. I want to have sex. Sorry mom. I said it. But not just sex with some nasty nasto… Like, I want to connect with someone deeply and full and be present in the world. I kind of want to rub magnesium all over my body and do believe that I am going to go and jump my whole self into the ocean today.
I miss you, whoever you are who misses me. But I don’t miss dysfunction or toxicity and don’t want things back the way they were. What I want, and what I demand is to be considered, not just in thought, but in action. I need to know that when I say, “Guess what amazing feat I just achieved????” you will clap for me and cheer for me and lift me up in celebration and not say “Yay, Laydie has done it again” with sarcasm and contempt. What I demand is for you to tell me what I have done to you so I can come to your feet and apologize and we can mend, not go and tell everyone except for me and then treat me with resentment and hostility and mistrust. And if I have no thing and you are in fact the culprit, I need you to own it if you want my trust. Every Blessed thing. I will Love you regardless. I will wish you well regardless. But trust is for the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy and the ones who own up and make amends when they make mistakes.
Big people stuff. I am big person. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. It doesn’t mean that I am bigger or better. It just means that I am big. I was made that way. And I have been living out of alignment with the core of my very DNA. And putting up with shit shit shit. I’m not even going to start talking about all the things that I can’t believe happened. But they did. They happened. And I forgive myself. Little by little. For the things I allowed. For the things I did. For the things I didn’t do. I forgive others, too. Perhaps we can really start to live now and point our focus towards to sun. We can. We can. We can.
I Love You.
Sincerely,
Me.
Day 569
Awakening
This is the end. And the beginning. This is over. The other day, I almost died. Again. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did die. Hallelujah and Amen finally. This is over. I think family has been my theme. The theme that I didn’t know I had. Go figure.
Dear Laydie,
I’m sorry. For everything. Where do I even begin? Long lists of wrongdoings perpetrated against me still being reenacted in real time. I could give it my energy, go over the story over and over again until it defines my identity and reinforces a past perspective of life, that yes, was real, but no, isn’t true; or I could not. I could say “This is over” and let it be so. Without having to change anyone else. Without having to fix anyone else. By a simple shift of focus. Onto me.
And honesty. About me.
And so I say it. Abracadabra. This is over. Say it like I mean it. This is over. Yes, indeed. The toxic family entanglements? They are over. The toxic family entanglements? Over. Yes, you could write a letter and tell everyone to fuck themselves and maybe that is necessary if you feel that is the best use of your time and energy. But honestly, those who are fucking themselves are already fucking themselves and when they are interested in knowing how or why, you won’t have to write them any letter. They will write you.
“But they don’t know what they did. I didn’t give them a chance”, the part of you that wants to believe in fantasies pleads. What is more true is that you want to tell on them. You want to tell the world about them. You want to let everyone know that you were good and they were bad. And maybe so. Most likely so. And also more complicated than that.
You are good and they are bad. There. You’ve said it. Is that enough? Somehow it only leaves you with teeth chattering.
You wanted to be seen as good. Because somewhere, somehow someone saw you as bad early on. Your brother. We know. Your best friend. It crushed you. Broke your heart. You want compassion. Pity, even. You want someone to say sorry to you. They see you. They see your broken heart and they will help you mend it. You are a good person. You are not that bad. But nobody came.
Instead, your mother added on to the mantra of seeing you as bad and you tried so, so hard to show her otherwise. Going above and beyond to win her approval to the point you never even bothered to understand what bad and good was for you. But nothing was enough. The slightest argument – I mean you could have ten witnesses telling her what actually happened, and somehow she would find a way to blame you for someone else disrespecting you, hurting you or violating your boundaries. You didn’t state your boundaries loud enough. You smiled too much when saying it. Folks thought you were joking even though you said it five times on five different occasions. Or you said it too meanly, in an attacking fashion, putting them on the defense. You wrote it, but you didn’t write it clear enough. You wrote it to too many people, shaming the offender.
Whilst laying on a bed drained and sick, telling someone, “You are offending me. Please leave me alone. You are asking for my attention, but you are doing so in a negative way. You are going to get negative attention” is too little if it’s not done with a stern face. Throwing water at them or slightly pushing them is way too much. And even still, you are the bad guy if they still continue to disrespect your boundaries.
Do you see where we are going with this, Laydie? Don’t expect someone to think of where you might sleep or thrive or put your own clothes even if you welcome them into your own apartment. That is asking for too much. And if you dare call out the fact that you have nowhere to live, expect that their feelings might be hurt.
I know. You wan to get it all out. And we can do this all day. Write about the things they did to you. And maybe it is necessary for you to process and move on. It is OK if that is what you need. We will be here to listen over and over. We will be here to validate you. I’m sorry, OK. I’m sorry they never saw you as a good person, no matter how hard you tried to prove otherwise.
I’m sorry they accused you of the most heinous of things and the most heinous of intentions. Why do they think you are so bad? Are you really that bad? Are you as bad as the way life has been treating you? Are you so unworthy of being stood up for? Is it that your feelings just don’t matter, but other people’s do? Your back begins to hurt as we ask these questions and that is good. Because something in you that has needed to process this shit and let it go.
“Are you that bad” is the question you ask yourself as you look at all your relationships and the status of your burnt down barn. And we can make it easy for you. You won’t want to hear this. But yes. Yes, in their eyes you are. That bad. Or that unworthy. Or that unimportant. Or too much. Or not enough. Or invisible. Yes, to some people, your needs don’t matter. And you wish they did. I know. You wish so much that it mattered if you said you don’t feel safe or protected in an environment. You wish someone you love would say, “Why? What’s going on? How can I help you?” But they won’t. They didn’t. They told you in so many ways that your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t matter. In fact, they told you in so many ways that your feelings are quite burdensome or not that important. Not as important as theirs or someone else’s. Or they didn’t even recognize that you have feelings at all because you are invisible to them. It happened, Laydie. I know, it feels bad, and I’m sorry. We are going to get through this now. We are finally going to get through all of this junk and get to the other side. No, not in theory. No, not just in a blog. For real for real for real. This part of our life, this story is over. Yes, it happened. Yes, it was real. Yes, people you loved dearly saw you those ways and treated you accordingly.
And you want to know still if you were that bad. You want to know if you deserved it. Was kissing a twenty year old man at eleven years old of age bad enough for your brother to tag you as unworthy of being talked to? I know that hurt you so deeply and has affected you for so long, but we are going to heal that now, now, now, because this wound has thrown everything else out of whack. Answer the question. You see your little nieces and nephews now. If your sweet, passionate little niece fell in love young and kissed a boy – if she just couldn’t understand why kissing a boy when you want to is prohibited – would you tag her as bad? Would you say she is unworthy of being talked to? Would you class her as contagious and hell bound and go on a valiant mission to invalidate any of her fundamental beliefs for the rest of your life? Would you encourage her brother to do any of those things? No. Would you encourage her to tag her brother as bad?
If the only way he could make sense of the world was through the rules and then she broke them? And he thought she was down with the rules like him? He would feel betrayed if she broke them. And he would feel she’s bad if she’s bad according to the rules.
So there you have it. Is your question answered? Are you that bad? Yes. To him you were. And this is hard to swallow, but he has a right to his opinion. It is an opinion. He will deny thinking you are bad or treating you as if you are bad because he cannot accept. If he accepts that he has been bad to you, then it will mean (to him) that he is bad. And that is not acceptable. Rather you than him.
But none of it is the truth. Here is the big one. You are bad in his eyes… maybe in all of their eyes at some level… for some thing you did or didn’t do that you didn’t even mean to hurt anyone by. Something you didn’t think too much of. You run late and don’t keep your word (at least not on time) often. That is deplorable for some people. They may not ever tell you, but oh, they will tell other people, and their actions towards you will let you know that resentment is indeed around. Lateness is not a big deal for you, but you did and do break your word as a habit when it comes to time. So? Are you bad? Or are they bad for not telling you how they are offended by you and giving you an opportunity to change? Are both of you bad?
These are the questions that have had energy buzzing at the bottom of your nerve roots for decades. These are the questions that stop your breath and tingle your hands even up to this very moment. And the answer is….. drum role…. You get to define who you are. My baby, we get to say, “I am a good person” and let it be so if we choose it so. I know. It hurts and makes you all uncomfortable. But you are a magician. The best of kinds. A good one. You can say, “This is over now” and let the past be over.
It doesn’t mean that anyone is going to change their opinion of you. They may hate you even more if your wrong, inferior self (according to their opinion) doesn’t cow tail to them. And I know, you wish you could make them like you. But you can’t. Well, you could. But that would mean just doing everything they want you to do. And then won’t respect you. And they will think you are invisible. And they will resent you for being a failure and think you are a burden and that you don’t matter because you act like it. And then you’ll feel unsafe and worthless. Do you see where this all starts and ends?
It starts with something someone did to you. OK? It’s not your fault, Laydie. Understand that it’s not your fault that you wanted your mom’s approval. You’re supposed to. It’s normal. It’s not your fault that you wanted your brother to continue being your friend and like you. You’re supposed to want that. It’s not your fault that you tried to do things and hoped that people would like you or accept you or think you’re a good person because of it, and instead they liked you less and pushed you away more and thought you were the pits. Yes, you were bad (and whatever other negative synonym). To them. The cat’s out the bag. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry life happened to you like that. I’m really, really sorry. But we have been hanging in the mud with this beginning for years on years on years. And now we get to write the ending. Yep. You and me. Right now. Now, now, now, now, now.
Like any juicy story, the ending will take time to unfold, but we start with a definite resolve to end it. “This is over” we say to ourselves when our back starts to tighten up as we think of all the things that happened. And we open up our hands, imagine our back smiling, and let it go. We move on by saying that “other people’s opinions of me have no power over me” and break the spells upon spells of identity ties that have been holding us. And then we look at our own opinion of ourselves. Have we thought that we are bad? Obviously. Look how our head hangs low. I’m sorry, Laydie. Please forgive me. I Love you. It has taken us so long. Here is where our power lies. We get to change the story of ourselves. Our first mind goes to thinking of changing the story of others because that is how our program is. We don’t think we’re so important, so it’s better to start thinking other people are good so we can help them first instead of helping ourselves. That is where our first mind took us out of habit, but that is not where we are going today.
With purpose and practice, today, and this whole week, we are going to do an experiment. Yes. We are going to say that we are important enough to think about first. We matter. You matter, Laydie. I matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. You are important, too. I know that’s hard to swallow, given all you have experienced in life, but take the pill please. And detach yourself. You don’t have to make anyone happy just because you are. You don’t have to make anyone succeed just because you are succeeding. It would be nice if it flows that way, but it will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Repeat. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. One more time. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Do not let people hurt you whilst you try and help them. Break that agreement. Your feelings matter. Others will get the memo once you get it for yourself.
Nobody has to like you in order for you to like yourself. You have a moral compass. You know right from wrong. You know good from bad. You get to judge yourself according to your own compass. Not your brother’s. Not your mom’s. Not your siblings’. Not friends’. Not lovers’, past or present. You get to forgive yourself even if they don’t. And if it feels like the right thing to do, according to your own compass, you get to apologize for past wrongs. Or you get to say “fuck ’em” or help them or do nothing at all if your compass says that’s not the answer.
Ok baddy bad? Do this work not because you want them to like you. I know this is hard because you want them to like you. You do. And the vibration in you wanting approval from others is strong. But is there anything stronger? Remember when you thought you were dying and your life flashed before your eyes and you were crying about all the things you didn’t do with your time on Earth? Did you cry about anyone not liking you? No. As far as relationships were concerned, you felt bad about not telling everyone the truth about what shits you think they are and how much they wronged you. Why was this important to you? Because you thought they didn’t know and you thought that maybe you could impact them to change and make the world the better place if you could juuuuust show them how full of shit they are. Then they would see and then they would get it together and do better by others and all your suffering at their hands would be worth something… But it doesn’t work that way. All of your suffering by their hands will be worth something if you do something with it. If you grow from it. If it teaches you how to be Sovereign. If it helps you embody your power at last. Your suffering will be worth it if it plants such a deep seed of compassion in you that you can reach the most hurt human beings and help them. Do not do this work because you want them to like you. You do, but don’t let that be your impetus. Your impetus in healing, because that is what we have finally come to the end of – healing and moving through and breaking through – Your impetus in healing is so that you can live a life that you feel is worth something, a life that you find fulfilling according to your own values, my grown up big woman now. You’ve suffered enough. Suffering is not your lot anymore, Laydie, not even at the hands of family. Suffering is not your lot anymore. Suffering is not for you anymore. Speak to any part of you – any part of your life that wants to bring it to you out of habit and declare that “this is over”. This is over. This is over.
And then put all your focus, 100%, on what was really important to you in your life. You know what those things are. You cried about them when you thought you were dying.
You cried about not fully loving anyone and not having a child. You cried about no movies or books that came from you and not doing stuff in the heal the world country at the level you wanted to. So you know what’s really important to you in relationships. Foundational honesty. It’s not important to everyone else, but it’s important to you.
Time to build. Not in that hard, I’m all alone, the world is against me way. Yes, you are mischievous, but not in a bad way. You are playful and you like fun. It’s important to you. Joy is important to you. You are so passionate, but you have no sex. Passion is important to you. You’re an all-the-way, wholehearted person, but you’ve been half-assing everything. It’s time to start a whole new life – oh, you are so mega creative, but you haven’t been making anything. Do you see why life has been the shits? I’m not blaming you. I’m just making it make sense. How is your big ass heart gonna be sitting here not Loving anyone???? Not having anyone who can see you and Love you fully? No, no, no, no, no.
This is over. Resolve. Say it with a different voice. This is over. Forget about everyone else. In you, worthless, unimportant, bad, not mattering is over. For you to experience a better life. That is the practice. For these next three months. If you can do it – and you can do it – If you can tell yourself that you are worthy and act like it. If you can tell yourself you are a good person and you deserve good things and you deserve to be treated well and act like it… If you can know that you matter and walk like it – how does someone who matters walk? With their head held high. Not high high, but chin up. And if you were worthy, then every time something good came your way, you would do like your nephew and just relax into it.
Now relax… let go. You’re not going to do this on your own. Say it with your back straight and chin up. Say it with your chin powerful. Say it from your belly WITH LOVE and let yourself see and hear yourself as you do. Say it with passion, fun, playfulness, joy or whatever way represents what’s important to you. Say it all the way… And do it every day. Yes. Every day like brushing teeth… You are worthy of the very best in life. You are important just because you exist. Your needs and feelings matter. You are a good person and you deserve a good life and good things and you deserve to be treated well. You are not a burden.
Repeat.
I am not doing this on my own. God is with me and not against me. Others are for me and not against me. I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly and gratefully accept it. I am important just because I exist. My feelings and needs matter. I am a good person and I deserve a good life and good things and I deserve to be treated well. I am not a burden. And I claim, resolve and declare all of this because my life is worth something. My life is worth something. My life is worth something. Suffering is not my lot anymore. It is over. Suffering is over. This is over. Relax. Let go. It is done, it is done. IT. IS. DONE.
AMEEN.
Y’all. So. My vibe is leveling up and I’m feeling inclined to run and celebrate. I met a man… It’s always about a man, I know. The kind of men around me change according to the kind of life I’m living. I can tell what’s going on in my world by the kind of men around me.
Men have started being nice to me. The mean asses still exist, but I don’t spend too much time with them anymore. And possibility is on the mind. Y’all I’m so antsy I don’t know if I’m coming or going. My sis lives in a house. I’m at my sis’s house. It’s nice. These ideas. I’ve never really had them. I don’t know what happened to me. This idea of a family. I mean, I’ve had it as a fantasy waaaaay off somewhere in the back of my mind. Not even a real fantasy. Just a cloud somewhere in my mind.
I’ve never thought it was possible to be safe with others. Up until now. Well, I have learned to use my words. To curse people out and set boundaries. Yep, I said it. Curse them out ahead of time before things go so far. I want to forgive my sister. I want to forgive everyone, to be honest. Now. Now now. Just right now. It doesn’t matter if they ever change. It so doesn’t matter. They can be assholes all they want. But they can’t be an asshole to me. Yesterday, one of my sisters was going too far in the way she was speaking to me. In the past, I might not have said anything and just held it and felt hurt and made up a whole story about how she doesn’t like me and why her energy had shifted and she was talking crazy to me. But I didn’t. Well, I made up a story of sorts as far as the why. But what I did was tell her “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. Stop.” And she did. And that was enough. Her why doesn’t even matter to me. I still love her and I don’t have to worry about whether or not she loves me nor all the complexities of what is or what isn’t in her life.
What I’m trying to get out on paper this morning is that I’m learning how to live life, y’all. Finally for the first time. For the first time in my entire life, I am aware of when my thoughts are my own thoughts and I’m able to say no to people. This is a big deal. I’m exciting about finally being able to let go of an entire way of being that wasn’t serving me.
My brain started working the other day! Y’all, my brain hasn’t worked in so long. Since October 2015 when I sat at work and was trying to work on processing some paperwork and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I was under loads of stress and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I sat there at work and I just couldn’t remember what I was doing. I busted out crying and called the psychology department of my insurance. It was the first time I had ever called a psychology department of anything. I went in to see them. I had indeed undergone a breakdown of sorts. They put me on work leave and I went to a group behavioral therapy program called work clinic. Now that I have done so much self healing work since, I know that the clinic was quite extraordinary. We worked on grounding without calling it grounding, positive emotional attractors, orienting… I should have been a therapist. I love this kind of work
Anyway, this blog doesn’t have a focus point, but I’ll post it anyway. Since my brain skipped a beat in 2015, it has been skipping beats ever since and not remembering the simplest of things. You know, people go through so much and many of us are not even aware of all the ways trauma and stress and heartache and feeling unsafe are impacting our quality of life. And not telling the truth. Not telling the truth is such a big deal. We start by avoiding the things that hurt and lying to ourselves about how we feel and never quite resolving or fixing anything. And then we disassociate and we start lying to others. And then we completely forget who we are and what we wanted to be doing with this thing called life…
I’m sorry. If you’ve been going a hard time or you forgot yourself. I’m sorry. If your brain went offline a long time ago and it’s been offline for so long that you don’t even know the difference now. I’m sorry. If your heart stopped working that one time someone stabbed it so deep and you don’t even remember what it feels like to love or trust or be able to relax around anyone. I’m sorry. If you’re not in your body because you don’t feel equipped to feel the pain that is there. I’m sorry. And I’m super sorry if you have no idea what’s going on with you, but you just know that life isn’t working and everything hurts. I hope it gets better for you. I hope you get better.
It’s getting better for me. I want to encourage someone. My brain came online after being offline for almost seven years. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was hell. Disappointment after disappointment after pain after pain. Maddening thoughts that I won’t even write about more than once. Body tingles I wasn’t even aware of for years on end until they became body aches and paralysis. I don’t know what happened to me. But I want to tell you I’m back. I’ve been healing and healing and healing and finally I am able to tell people know and not feel like my life is over if people I love reject me or don’t understand me.
The other day, I was looking for my keys and I couldn’t remember where I put them as usual, and then I asked my brain to come online. I literally said, “Brain. Come online and show me where those keys are.” And my brain remembered! It remembered! I remembered! And I found the keys. And then I asked it about other stuff. Where did I put some crayons. And how to get from one place to another when I’m driving back home in the exact same direction as I came. I didn’t used to be able to remember that stuff. But my brain has been showing up for me. I even ask it what to do when I’m making difficult choices, and sometimes it tells me, “I don’t know. Ask heart.” Or “bring Soul online”.
And then I make choices that I’ve never made before and I feel things that I haven’t felt in years and I am hopeful. Not only hopeful, but acting on hope. And so I want to share that with you. Because I don’t want you to give up hope. I heard Esther Hicks say, “I have decided that I am a good person and I deserve good things.” You can make that decision for yourself. You are a good person and you deserve good things. And good things deserve you.
Today, I commit to live my life fully. Yes, fully. It won’t happen all at once, but maybe it will. But I’m deciding to bring my full self here. My full presence as a light being. I may not be able to hold it all at once, but slowly slowly I’ll get used to it. And my soul and my brain and my heart and my body can help.
You know, sometimes I think that I don’t want to say all this gung ho stuff. I don’t believe it. I might mess up on stuff and I might write this “bring all of you” blog and then not bring all of me tomorrow. But little by little, I will bring more and more of myself…
Y’all. Someone just wrote an angry text message. A guy I used to date who I am unfortunately linked to on a work project who just asked me to get back with him and I rejected who is now letting out his anger on work. My back is starting to tingle. How to navigate, new Laydie? Don’t engage. Let the energy pass. Stay the course and stay focused. His anger doesn’t have to hit you. Light shield! Activate activate activate! Sometimes people don’t even know what they are doing when they attack you. Sometimes it’s other forces working through them. Sometimes it’s other forces working through you or all the subconscious nonsense that so many of haven’t processed… When I activated light source just now, my back calmed down. I am now telling my back it’s safe. You’re safe. Nobody’s anger can destroy your peace. Nobody’s mood can destroy your peace. Nobody’s thoughts of you can destroy your peace. You don’t even have to put your focus onto fighting or defending yourself from others.
Light shield activate. Activate activate activate! Bring your own intentions forward instead of being at the effect of others’ intentions for you and you control your life at last.
Today’s intention – Light Force activate. Give and receive Light. Give and receive Love. No matter happens, that is what you really want to do, Laydie. And tap into all of you to help you find your way. Soul Activate. Brain Activate. Light Presence within me, activate. Heart activate. Body, accept your own energy now and be nourished by it.
I love y’all. I love you. I love you.
xx
Laydie
All of Me (Light Force, Activate!)
Y’all. These feelings get in the way. And when I don’t integrate them, they just keep me unstable. So here I am, processing things again. Through my therapy group yesterday, we had to do an analysis and talk about what we have to celebrate for the past five years. Five years ago was when I came back to the world after being sick and disabled for two years.
It was a lot. Being sick and disabled after spending a lifetime of being ridiculously in shape and healthy without even having to work for it was something else. So many people say sickness can be a Blessing, and now I see it. Yesterday I saw it.
My sickness totally made me re-evaluate everything. Any my entire life has been falling apart since 2017. Relationships, family, friends, everything readjusted…. And yesterday, I was celebrating all of it. Do you know what I was celebrating? Not going to Disneyland. I know. Wait for it. It’s a good story.
Five years ago, after recovering from being sick for two years and promising God I would do what he wanted with my life if he let me live, I lived. I got back relatively healthy and functional. And I got a big check to boot. Not a super big check. My check actually was not even enough to get me out of the poverty line and food stamps eligible for me. It was $40k, which was actually about $30k because I had about $10k worth of debt, but I know how to live on very small amounts of money, and so it was enough for me to manage my life for a year without having to work… And so I made a plan. I was gonna get my life together and become this super writer and not have to work for a year.
I had my apartment in LA. I had a car. I knew how to navigate resources in LA… I started a new life. But it didn’t last long. Soon, my mother’s job deployed her to LA. Another sister had just had a baby and my mom was babysitting said baby. Another sister had an infant and was in a very tumultuous relationship. Another sister was in LA with mom visiting. And another sister came to visit and that visit would be the visit that had her disappear from the family ever since because she thought things were happening that really weren’t. My teenage niece and nephew were also in town at the time. And my brother got into a car accident that summer that changed his back ever since… My plans were to be hot girl, single, film obsessed Laydie and get my life together, and for a while I was. It was amazing. I had a power partner and everything. And then I wasn’t. My family saw my unemployed status as an open ticket to ask for help. And I like to help my family and at the time I had an inability to say no to people, so I was going here, there and everywhere helping folks. I was hosting friends at my place. I was helping others get over sicknesses… I was dating unavailable, abusive men nonstop, and my friendships were becoming toxic. I was doing everything and anything except being hot and happy, film obsessed Laydie following through on her goals…
At the end of the day, some things worked. I have a farm in the heal the world country. I finished writing a script. But mostly, everything was hard to do and not completely done and emotionally, I was defeated. And when I started setting boundaries (I didn’t know what boundaries were until my power partner gave me a boundaries book in 2017), most of my relationships that I had been bonded to my whole life fell apart. It has been a hard, hard, five years. But it has culminated in a.woman girl who is starting to like herself at last.
And I was celebrating not going to Disneyland. Why? Since around April this year, I started to take my life more seriously. I mean, less seriously but more seriously. I started to put myself first. That statement is so loaded and I have grown up my entire life thinking that to put oneself first is the absolute worst thing one can do. But after realizing that I had set up relationship matrixes where people expected me to always put myself last, forfeit my time and energy to help them thrive at the drop of a dime at all times and become upset if I decided to actually use my time and energy to do things that were good for my life, I realized that putting others first at all times was kind of not the thing to do. I was dying. I was hurting all the time. I was feeling so unloved and so under supported…. I’m glad I chose to write this blog. It’s what I needed. These emotions have been all stuck in me since yesterday and keeping me floored and physically in pain.
So, since April, I started doing what I said I was going to do five years ago. I started listening to what God told me to do. And I started focusing on doing my work. And I started giving my energy and love to people who show me love and kindness and respect through action. And I started trusting people who show themselves trustworthy… But most of all, I started showing myself love and kindness and respect by being kind and loving and trustworthy and honest and true to my own self. By asking myself, “Is this good for you, Laydie? Does this support the life you are trying to create?” And it has been amazing. It has been the best time of my life.
At the beginning of June, I went on a self created retreat. One of my best day ones supported me to stay in their house and get my life together so I could prep for meetings in LA. My meetings in LA kept getting delayed, and to make a long story short, I ended up spending time with my mom for three weeks. I hadn’t planned that. I was back in a bed with mom, struggling with keeping boundaries. Mom and I’s relationship was better, but I was in a family house, and no matter how you paint it, in a family house, there is an expectation to spend time with family. And I love this particular family. But I would have much rather been in nature and doing my therapy work and dating men at night and working like a film maniac to finish my film stuff and getting my farm stuff in order because that seemed like the best use of my time at the moment. And visit family every now and then, when I’m interested in being fully present with them. This may sound selfish, but it’s ok. I’m late, you see.
I’m late for getting pregnant. I worry every day if I’ll even be able to get pregnant. I should be spending all day trying to find some man to sex and baby daddy me at my age. Not coming home at 8p because mom either gets worried or disgruntled if she doesn’t see you by a certain time. And I’m late to get my career in order. I’m at the age and stage where it’s kind of like, either I’m going to do it or I need to give it a rest and do something else. Not fake do it. Not dream it. Not almost do it. Just do it. And if I want to do it soon, I need to do some catch up focus. And I don’t have kids or any of that. I’m supposed to take advantage of this time so that I can create a situation where I can have kids soon and I can work how I want soon, not spend all this time with fam until my money runs out and then I’m forced to be busy nine to fiving… So, it was time for me to leave mom and go back to the focus I had set for myself.
Mom wanted me to stay longer. She wanted me to go to Disneyland with her and fam. Kids wanted me to go to Disneyland with them. One nephew asked me to give him one good reason why I can’t come. Kids won’t understand that I have stuff to do right now and I will be absolutely energetically drained after going to Disneyland and a week trip will really end up being a three week trip for me because it will probably take me two weeks to get stable after sleeping my introverted behind in bed with mom and then engaging with kids and fam from sun up to sun down. I didn’t want to go, but I told them I was going to go anyway, because the pressure was too much for me. I was supposed to meet them at Disneyland and I was going to drive out there a little after them and after I had gotten a little bit a rest.. I laid down to rest, and I woke up with Covid!
Yep. My mom had had Covid, too. Almost everyone had gotten Covid. They wanted me to stick around till everyone got back from Disneyland, but as soon as I got a little functional with the Covid (I’m 100% better now), I left. It sounds so bad to write it out loud, but it made me happy. My family is amazing. But if I had told them that I am working on a thesis paper that is guaranteed to get me a million dollar job that will change our life, they would not ask me to stick around for any reason.
They would tell me to go far, far away and find a library, find someone to have some stabilizing sex with and put my head in the books till I’m done. They might even sponsor me or help to support this venture. They don’t see what I’m doing as a million dollar guarantee, and it’s because I’ve taken so long on it. But I see it. Yep. And I know that when I win for real, all my family is going to win. And the ones who know me know that as well. So I did it… I’m doing it. For the first time in my entire life, I am started to treat myself like I actually have a shot at a good life. I haven’t even been dating folks if I don’t think I can go all the way and have a family with them, or if they aren’t fully willing to consciously do the same without having to be tricked.
So I’m celebrating today. I’m not used to it. I’m not used to celebrating myself. I’m not used to saying any of this stuff out loud because I fear people won’t approve of it. But I know that I need to be OK with the idea that others may not approve of me. It’s a big one. I’m celebrating believing in myself enough to say no to anything that’s not supporting what I’m up to, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’m celebrating a mind that works… My mind hasn’t worked in so, so long. I’m celebrating my wonderful body, who always breaks down when I’m not doing what’s good for it. I appreciate it for stopping me in my tracks, draining my energy, giving me aches, doing whatever it has to do to get my attention so that I can heal, realign, think clearly and do what needs to be done to have a life aligned with who I really am. I can get used to this. I can get used to celebrating myself.
Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I get scared to post about happy stuff or tell people about good stuff happening to me. I feel like people will hate on me or they will feel like I’m doing so well they can ask me to shift focus to them now. I’m trying to find a new belief as a foundation. Why not me? People get happy for others and support others while they are thriving. Here is my new belief: Others are happy for me when I’m thriving. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable. Oh, I like this one. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable… One more time. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable.
I am willing and choosing to accept Love.
You guys, there is a huge correlation between our inner and outer worlds. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that life can get better. Not just in a one blog way. You probably gonna have to put in some intentional work, and it might be really really hard. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done and it might hurt for a while. But it gets better if you keep doing the work. Once you’ve found a clear direction (and you’ll know once you’ve found a clear direction. It’s different for everyone.), keep putting in the work. Even if you stumble. Even if you pause. Even if you backslide along the way. Keep putting in the work and you will see that things do get better. Be honest with yourself. Stop lying about being happy if you’re not. Stop lying about what’s going on in your relationships. Tell the truth to yourself at least. Stop lying about what you really want. And fix the things you’ve broken if you’re led to do as much. Forgive yourself. Fix the broken things inside you…
I Love you I Love you I Love you.
Sincerely,
Laydie
Day 568
Confessions of a Former Codependent Empath with No Boundaries (More Work)
Hi.
Life is moving. Fast, fast, fast. Where to begin and where to end with this one? I started off intending to share something good with the world. Because I’m on overload of good things and need to share. Then I looked at the heading of my last blog post, “betrayal”. I wondered what I wrote in there, but I can imagine. Then I felt the feelings of betrayal again. Thought of a situation of someone I love being so OK betraying me. Then I felt sad and I feel really sad right now.
That’s where we are starting this blog. I looked at a pic of myself a year ago. Then almost two years ago, right around the time my grandma died. Since I’ve had so many health issues, I’m really good at spotting a nervous tick, dull eyes, lopsided facial expressions because you are just trying to keep it together. I was doing really really bad. I didn’t even know. Just trying to keep it together whilst people kept asking me for shit. Man, the last two years have been the roughest. The most heartbreaking. The most life changing and devastating.
My coach said I was a codependent empath with no boundaries. Recipe for disaster. Taking in everyone’s shit to the point you don’t realize what’s yours and what’s another’s. Fearful people are always happy for a hero and resent them afterwards… Life has been something. I guess I’ll just sort through my thoughts with this entry with the intention of getting somewhere after I take off all the top layers.
A family member was sick the other. I was able to help. I was so happy to help. Nobody was helping this person in the way she needed. I don’t understand what’s wrong with us humans. It’s not that we don’t know. Some of us don’t know, but even for the ones who don’t know, when people tell them what they need, they don’t honor it. And then start talking about “I love you I Love you”. This person just needed someone to give her food. Tell her to drink water. Sit with her and don’t ask her for shit whilst she was in the hospital. Care. Like, not because it’s an obligation and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Care because you care. Care because you want her to get better and it doesn’t cost you that much time or energy to care.
I was sitting in the hospital with her and realizing that that’s the only thing that matters to me. Caring and being cared for. Everyone is not able to do so. Everyone is not interested in doing so. Many of us think the sky is falling down and we have to survive and that is our life focus. What is yours? What is mine?
Can I tell you a secret? The sky is not falling. For some people it is and for some people it’s not. And it’s not because some are privileged and some are not. I’m writing this as a person whose skies have been falling for years on end. Yes, I was born into tough circumstances. Yes, a lot happened to my sweet behind before I was even aware of what’s really going on and how it was impacting my sense of self, belief system, etc. Yes, I had my reasons for developing a lifestyle of disassociating. Stuff hurt and I wasn’t even conscious enough to see exactly what was eating Gilbert Grape. We have our reasons. But there are people with our same backgrounds and worse – our race, our gender, our socioeconomic background, our level of beauty or lack thereof, our level of talent/skills or lack thereof… and their skies are falling, too, but they are thriving. I want to tell you the secret I learned. The secret I am learning and starting to put into practice.
You have to plant seeds.
That’s it. That is the way out of all of this. I’m a farmer. It’s weird to write because I really never thought of being a farmer. But I’m a farmer. I have a farm overseas. From the start of planting our farm three years ago and up until now, so much has happened. People have died. People have tried to kill me and others on my team. I’ve gotten sick and heartbroken enough times. So many relationships have fallen apart. And the farm is still there. Growing. Do you understand?
Relate it to your life. There is something important to you in life. There is something you want to be. Something you want to do or feel. Create, contribute, express, experience, as Claire from Feminine Power would say. There’s something you want to create, contribute, express and/or experience. You’ve probably wanted it for the majority of your life… And maybe you got disappointed. Of course you did. And the sky started falling. Or you started drowning for one reason or another. Someone broke your heart. I understand how much it hurts. And I’m sorry. Trust me, I understand. Someone betrayed you. You thought they had your back and they would never do a certain thing, and then they did. And they never said sorry. In fact, they kicked you and said you ain’t shit and you deserved the bad treatment. And your Earth shook. Your foundation broke. And the sky felt like it was falling. I understand. It hurt like hell and you couldn’t distinguish coming from going and only wanted to not walk into the ocean when the thoughts came your way. I understand… Your heart is big. Your Love is deep. And they didn’t see it. Or if they did, they hated for it or tried to take advantage of you because of it… And your focus became survival. It’s understandable…
But it hasn’t been enough for you, big heart. You understand? You can’t stop caring about folks no matter how hard you try. Because you care. And that is part of your gift… This season has been the best time of my life. Why? Because the sky has been falling and I have been planting seeds.
My own seeds. I have been thinking about what I want to do with this life. Really. What matters to me. Really. And what matters to me is sharing the stories that are in my soul, helping the heal the world country that I’m invested in, and sharing as much Love as I can with the people I love. And receiving Love. I want to have some kids, too. And so, by planting seeds, I mean to figure out what matters to you and start putting energy towards it. The sky will keep falling. Eventually, holding it up won’t be that important to you and you will realize that there are ways to be safe in this world.
I know it might feel like a foreign concept to you – being emotionally safe. It was a foreign concept to me when I first heard it about six months ago. My nervous system was so dysregulated. And I was so used to being that way. I joined a coaching program that’s been helping me. I encourage you to join a program. Get help. Don’t try to get out of this place alone. Get help. Help helps. People with training and experience can offer perspectives you don’t have on your own. I got help. I joined a program that helped me get in touch with my body. It helped me get in touch with my feelings. But mostly, it helped me recognize what my issues were… I was just going from hurt to hurt to hurt. I had taught people to believe that my life force was for them only and if I dared focus on me, I was marked as selfish. People didn’t care about betraying me or hurting me or respecting me or being kind to me… they weren’t even aware of my needs when making decisions that impacted me. But I participated in the creation of those dynamics. I didn’t care about betraying myself or respecting myself or being kind to myself or being aware of my own needs and preferences when making decisions that impacted others… I had spent so much time putting out fires that people really could have put out themselves – enabling others to be assholes and teaching them not to value me – and the coaching program I joined has just been helping me to recognize behavior patterns so that I can change them.
I’m not perfect still and I do believe I’m going to stop aspiring to be so. We get it twisted. We think that self care means you have to be selfish. It doesn’t. You can care about others and care about yourself at the same time. We’re not so used to it, so it’s a practice to be learned. I’m thinking all over the place now.
I just wanted to touch bases with you, World, really, and tell you that I’m all right. I’m better than ever. I’ve been living in my body and healing. I’ve been planting seeds that I want for my life. And the world is still falling apart. Assholes are still being assholes. Some people I love don’t like me and might not ever. And it hurts still. But it doesn’t overpower me like it used to. Some people who were mean are changing and starting to be nice. I don’t trust it fully yet, but I’m willing for action to change my mind. I don’t run from my meltdowns anymore. They happen at least once I week. I face them. I am teaching myself that I’m powerful and able. Power stopped being a dirty word for me. I stopped associating it with being lonely and being a martyr. I learned that it can be a good thing. It can get you out of dark places. I started doing affirmations and then taking action aligned with them. So if I say, “I am powerful”, then I take a powerful action, like writing out a blog even though it makes my back tense up to feel all these emotions. I am powerful, so I can look at my pained back and have my wounds speak to me. They tell me they are afraid to be seen. They tell me people won’t like me. They tell me I am making myself too vulnerable and I don’t know who all is reading this blog. People will judge me… Wow… This is what I came here to unearth. This deep seated fear of being seen.
Because I am powerful, I can bring all my power to the forefront. I can bring all my Love to the table. You see? This is planting seeds. It is about doing something intentional because you want to create something important to you in the midst of the sky falling down. Here I am trying to express myself. And my body wants to explode from resistance and fear. And in the past, it would. And I would get off this blog and shiver and cry and it would be delayed for a month and this message would not come through. But today, this thought is being completed and this blog is being posted. And we will talk to our pain with Love and power and use the tools we’ve learned.
We touch our back with love. We touch our pain with all our power. I can see that you feel pain. I can see you feel afraid. I can see that you feel wounded. What do you need?
-You need me to show up for you. You need my care. You need my attention. You need me to take safe action. You need me to protect you.
Is this blog safe enough? People might judge you. They will. Some people will not like you, even ones you like. Some folks might ask you for stuff if they think you’re doing too well and it might be hard for you to say no. How can I keep you safe from that?
-Protect me, please. Tell me I am good and likable. Give me nutrients to soothe and heal me. Take me around someone who won’t judge me for my pain, please. I know you have excess energy today. Turn it towards the seeds you are planting for us, please. Don’t give it to the mean folks today. I am your wounded self. Your trauma right here lodged deep in these nerves of your back… Please show me that you love me – show me I am safe – by tending to me.
How can I tend to you today?
-Feed me powerful words. Tell me I’m good and worthy of good things. Tell me I’m worthy of healthy love and healing. And what will heal me? You have someone in your life who wants to breathe life into you, but you’ve been scared to accept. Try it out and see. Accept. Help. Today. And take one step towards watering the seeds of stories you have planted. Let’s do those two things first. Bring your power, your soul, God’s soul in you, your strength, and all your Love to the forefront if you get scared. The sky is falling apart. You are falling apart. And you are growing still. We are growing still… Planting seeds.
Day 567
Planting Seeds and Tending Wounds
Brain going bezerk. Just sent out a request that could change a lot of things. Body going into rebellion. Why is it so hard to accept good things? I know, subconscious patterning saying you’re not good enough, spells, hooks, whatever. I know. But I’d like to be done with this now. I feel sorry for myself. My emotions running wild and fear trying to take the lead. Sorrow following for seconds. Grief. Sadness. Where’s my sweet sister? Wish she was here with me as I’m breaking through. Where’s all the folks I started with? Not here to cheer me on. Well, some are here, but still… Did they ever cheer me on, or was it only the fantasy that was OK?
Oh, man. You know what? I hate to believe that folks can be as bad as they are, but evidence has shown me that they can. And God says don’t dwell on that because it will take me down a hole. I broke up with Liar Liar. Again again again. You know, there are several breakups in a breakup. First the words are spoken. Often one party persists in trying to stay together and then there is that game, lasting anywhere from days to years… Then, finally the decision is made. You move on and entertain others, but still there is that sadness, like now. You reach a benchmark that you and your former “with” or “withs” had been speaking of. Maybe they were even a significant part of you getting started. But somewhere along the way, y’all fell off. You realized they were jealous and only wanted you to win if they could win win first, and even then. Why is it God, that so many people in my life just couldn’t stand by me and watch me win? Even if I take them with me? They want to do it by themselves. They want to say they are better than me.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed. Like a little kid. It took me so long to see the realities of the world. It took me so long to be aware of energy that has always been present. I get afraid. I wonder if I’m special ed or something. I’m sure I’m undiagnosed something. I didn’t realize that there’s a whole better than worse than dominate suppress ego game going on and it’s very, very serious for some people. Life or death serious. Like, I’m on the bottom of the bottom of who is supposed to be dominated in this world. And I’m dark skinned!!!! The bottom of the bottom of the bottom… I got offline to look for my debit card so I could pay online to extend my parking 25 min. I hope when I go back, my car is there. I figured out a way to pay with Apple Pay, but there was a twenty minute lapse in between.
Whilst the lapse was there, I was going through my pics to see if I had taken a pic of my debit card, which I do on occasion. No such pic was found, but what was perused was a pic of me about ten months ago. I can’t believe how bad I looked. Like the life was drained out of me. I am thinking of my life at that time and sad for myself. I was so betrayed by so many. I don’t quite understand it. When I think about the things that have happened to me in life, I wonder if I’m a bad person. Why do people feel so comfortable doing such bad things to me? Why am I kicked when I’m low and chastised instead of helped? I think I’m a little mad at you, God. Why has my life been so hard? I guess I’m not the only one. Why have so many people’s lives been so hard? People nicer than me, even more innocent than me. You didn’t send them protection or the ones who were the ones who were supposed to protect them hurt them them and betrayed them in the most serious of ways. Why, God? That is what my feeling could latch on to… Wow. I guess I was still hurting from all that.
I thought I was a good person, God, but people have not treated me so. They ask me for stuff. All the f*ckin time, like a person who can help others, but they don’t treat me like I’m good. They don’t treat me with respect. They aren’t one bit loyal to me and even try to sink me. They do the worst of things to me. They say the worst of things about me. Would never say it to my face and deny it if someone else spilled the beans. It’s been really hard for me to swallow.
This is the sadness sitting deep under my psoas muscle. This grief my pent up body has been protecting me from feeling. This resistance to good is this. This fear of feeling such deep deep levels of betrayal ever again. We found it! This fear of being hurt is so strong, because this hurt has been so strong…. I just looked up “How to Heal from Betrayal” and I didn’t like the timeline they gave me…. I just looked up another website that was more helpful, and another one. These are the two:
https://www.oprah.com/inspiration/deepak-chopra-what-to-do-when-youve-been-betrayed
https://mindwellnyc.com/top-betrayal-trauma-signs-triggers-strategies-to-recovery-2022/
I suppose those will help. Going to get off this blog in a bit and see what else I can do with this day. My hands feel stiff. My low back/psoas muscle wants to tense up, but I’m telling it to relax. My body is trying to get super horny so I can feel better. I’m not going to do anything about it. On this day, July 11, 2022 at 7:03p in the biggest library of the nation (which is where I am right now), I am going to do something different than I do believe I’ve ever done before. In the midst of feeling like I want to run away and shut down and resist change and resist healing and get all overwhelmed with negative thought and negative emotion and feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party so big that it takes me months to clean up, I’m not going to do all that. I’m going to do something different. These have been the heavy things I’ve been walking with – the chords and wounds and fears preventing me from accepting much good. My angels are applauding me.
I’ve found the secret pathway. It’s through. It’s through it. Not gaslighting. Not pretending you don’t feel. Not avoiding everything. Not necessarily confronting and addressing everyone, though that may happen one day. The pathway is to look at your feelings. Feel them. Go somewhere where you can. In this library of strong and brilliant men (and the women who helped them), there are stories of strength and resilience and overcoming. I am sitting in my seat instead of jumping out of it. I am feeling the deep ache in my low back and choosing to open it instead of bracing. I am choosing to be here, with all the wounds and all the aches and all the judgements against me… I will not defer to online distractions before we end this blog. Nope. Not perusing Facebook or getting caught up on a text. I’m going to be right here until we reach the end of this blog.
The answer to betrayal. The answer to fear, debilitating and hurting. The answer to healing. The answer to staying in your body. The answer to healthy relationships and healthy Love. The answer to living in alignment. The answer to feeling good and great. The answer to breaking through. The answering to all of it is to seek the answer and then follow through with action. Bring your whole self to the table. Yes, the pain is there. Yes, the hurt is there. It’s got you shaking and tremble and teeth chattering and backs hurting and stomach’s tensing. Trust me, I know I know I know. But there are other parts of you there, too. Your deep Love. It is still there somewhere. Find it. Even if it’s in your pinky toe. Your gonna need it. Your power is still there. I know you’ve been rejecting it for long. It hasn’t served you well. Got you in all sorts of trouble. You didn’t know what to do with it. I know it’s been a long time. I know you feel too old for this. But what are we gonna do with our lives? Really. What are we gonna do with our lives? We can’t be trapped by all these subconscious things forever. We can’t be sad forever.
I know it is hard. Trust me. I know what it is to look into the ocean and want to drown there because you think it might be easier than feeling the pain you feel. But you didn’t go in it, OK? You didn’t drown. And you are tired – we are tired – of almost living. Of only broken hearts. Of only betrayal. Of only almost everything. It’s not meant for us, which is why we are so depressed. We are all the way people and we have to choose now. Not to be all motivational. I know we’re supposed to be being sad. We have to take some action now. I’ve reached the end of this blog and there is only an hour left for me to be in this library.
The answer to betrayal is to decide that you want to heal from it. Everyone’s path will be different, but the first step will always be a decision. I didn’t realize my energy was so deeply wrapped up in this wounded wounded feeling I have carried for lifetimes. I will not do like others, though, and resent myself for it. I choose to heal from betrayal. Yes, I do. I am already in a group coaching program. They have assignments for us to do. It’s been helping me big time. After you have decided you want to heal from betrayal. Or after you have decided you want an answer to anything at all, believe me, you will be guided in the strangest of ways. You will get an email that resonates. Someone will say something that touches somewhere deep in you. You will just have the thought to go somewhere. You will remember to do or say or follow through with something you had forgotten about. Someone you love will come to mind to reach out to. Someone will reach out to you. If you’re really, really in tune with your intuition, you will hear it talk to you and it will tell you exactly what to do to heal. Listen to the messages. Take action. It doesn’t have to be so much that you set yourself up for failure. It can be small. In fact, I am finding that it’s better when small and full. Little by little, bring your whole self to the table. What you are doing is, you are learning not to betray yourself. You are learning to trust yourself. You said you were gonna do this, that and the other and be this, that and the other a long time ago. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not having done it.
Forgive yourself. Start small. I forgive myself for writing this blog so long instead of getting to work. I was afraid. And now I’ll take some action to keep my word to myself. I’ve written a long “to-do” list. First, I can accomplish at least one by doing my full amount of PQ reps for the day. PQ reps are mindfulness tools that I have. I’m going to do them now to show myself I’m trustworthy in at least one way today and to show myself that I am powerful and worthy of healthy love (those were my affirmations this morning).
Have a good rest of your day, everyone. Let’s get out of this together.
xx
Laydie
Day 566
The Answer to Betrayal (And So Many Other Things)
hownottocryeveryday 