Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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……
There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
Hi there. I only have a few minutes before I clock into work, but I want to write a bit. What shall I write about today?
Monday morning motivation: Don’t believe everything you think.
Become the thing itself. Become the woman who is happy. It’s a mind trick, and if you think about it too long, you lose it.
Become the woman at peace. Merge with her. Be her. How does she move her head? What does she do when fear tries to usurp her attention.
Become the BeLoved. Oh, she has forgiven everything. See the bounce in her step, as if she has never been touched by pain.
Become the one who is taken care of. There is an ease in her breathing. Breathe easy now. You are taken care of.
Become the vision of your life fulfilled. Who is this person that has been gifted with a body, animated? Go deep. Go deeper… Who is this life that is manifested as you?
For a moment, become the fearless one. Become the faithful one. Become the Loving one. Become integrity. For a moment, step into yourself fully. Allow, allow, allow…. Allow yourself to be whole and holy.
Time to get to work.
Ameen.
Day 500
On Becoming
I only have a few minutes to write, but want to post this before I get on with my day.
I’m at the Writer’s Guild Library in LA. Back home after two and half weeks of bliss, state hopping across five states to see family and friends and do business. Surrounded by Love and opportunity. Housed in luxury. Hugs, shared meals, fun, completion… It has been the best time of my life, and that’s a large statement. But it has been the best time of my life… I have been present for all of it. I have been right there in my body on purpose.
And now I am on the brink of new things – opportunities that I don’t even want to write about because I’m scared to jinx them. But what I want to talk about is having.
I want to talk about how I feel right now – heartbroken and afraid. I know, I should be excited. Life is changing for the better. But I want to write about why I am not excited, and afraid instead. This is different than anything I’ve experienced for the past few years, with the exception of my experience at dance camp.
There is a difference between dreaming of something out there in the ethers, reaching towards something that feels like a fantasy, and actually having a thing – owning it in your body… living it as your experience.
I have dreamed of so many things for so long, but they have all been fantasies for me, and now they are becoming real, and I am scared shitless.
There is no way that I can have the things I’ve dreamed of and have my life remain the same. You understand? When I sell any one of my projects, I will have a lot of money. If I am to have community, there will be different kinds of people around… I just got a new roommate. She’s awesome. She could be my daughter. She’s even from the same city that I grew up in…
And I am trying to get used to this concept – this thing about having. I just want to talk about this because it’s something that we don’t think of.
When your life changes, when the shift happens and you move from crying every day and being miserable, disappointed, sad, bitter, hopeless, scared, resigned, in pain, etc, etc, to even imagining a good life, a shift will happen.
It might not feel good. It will probably feel like loss and death, because in actuality, that is what it is. You will no longer be who you used to be. And along with this feeling, there may be anxiety and fear and pain, and the urge to hold on to everything you’ve ever known. When those feelings come along, and you are tempted to run back to everything you’ve known – the sadness, the smallness, the nothingness, the unfulfillment, the distraction – DON’T DO IT.
Put on your warrior outfit. Now is the time to tap into strong things. Look towards the fulfilled dream. You have already seen it in your imagination. It is already possible for you at last. There have already been signs that your life is changing. The only thing left is for you to accept the changes that are taking place. Make a definite decision to have your dream fulfilled – over and over and over again, we are going to choose to have a different life now.
Breathe through your anxiety. Breathe through your resistance. Do not let the pain or the fear envelope you. Call upon the parts of yourself who have been waiting in the wings to assist you. Put the fullness of your will and focus into the one action that you know you need to take. This can be the moment. You don’t have to keep repeating your misery over and over again…
Let this be the moment that you break free!
HOLD. ON. TO. YOUR. STRONG. THINGS. AND. WALK. MY. BABY.
OPEN UP YOUR ARMS AND FLY!!!!!
We are warriors. We are warriors, my Love.
HAVE THE LIFE YOU ARE DESTINED TO HAVE. The time is now.
I am thinking about so many things. Down South. My mom will be leaving to go to her home country soon, and I came to spend some time with her. I love her. Currently at the library about to do a bit of work.
I love her. I Love my mom. Me and my big sis made peace, too. I Love her, too. It has come to this. I Love them.
I’ve missed this feeling. I’ve missed this place. I’ve missed these people. We played soccer as a family yesterday and had a good time. My little bro and sis who live here are cool people. I Love them. I just Love them. My family has had all of our issues over the years, but underneath everything, there is such deep Love. People care about each other. I mean, they don’t always act like it, but, now that we are all getting older and we have gone out into the world on our own, had our separate families, lived our separate lives, gotten sick, gotten well, made money, lost money, dated everyone we wanted to date, explored every religion we could imagine, and tasted the pangs of loneliness, betrayal and separation… we are hungry for Love and belonging and care, and we are finally open to sharing that with one another.
My mother is an awesome woman. My mother did an awesome job. After all is said and done, the Truth remains. She is a sweet heart. A strong, sweet heart like her daughter. And she is full of Love.
I’m glad I lived this long. I’m glad I got to this place, where I could feel the love of my family and share such good times with them. I glad I got to the place where I could forgive people and forgive myself and say sorry and get on with life.
LA can be a very, very cold place. If you are not equipped with the skills to create a reality from scratch, it is easy to get dragged into the undertow of loneliness, desperation, sadness, fear, lack and separation that is on the other side of the city of angels and dream seekers…
I’m not sure if I will live my life in that city. I’m sure that I will always have a foot in it, because that is where my work is, but I like this slow, southern way. I like the ways of other countries, where people look each other in the eye and want to be connected to each other. I like this easy, safe feeling that I have with my family.
I know I always write and think about things in a fatalistic way. That’s because I know that death is real it comes sneakily. And so when I have woken up on another day, and I am still here, and I’ve had the opportunity to experience things that I only dreamed of and prayed for not too long ago – Love and connection and ease and belonging – I am very grateful.
Now that all the fighting is coming to a close… now that all the pain is finding its way out of my pores at last… now that I am learning how to let go of the past… now that I am beginning to feel safe, and beginning to feel like I belong in the world no matter where I am… now that I am learning to let my inner energy express out into the world and learning to love as deeply as I can and learning to take up space… now that I’m really learning what it means to give my all…
I am ready to give. I am ready to Live. I am so looking forward to all of the Love I will be able to share. I am Looking forward to this new life. Thank you so much, Allah. Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 498
This Thing About Love
Brain sort. Quick run through. Focus. Focus. Focus. The word of the decade. The lesson of the decade. Focus. If thoughts and beliefs create your reality, then what do you want to be thinking of now? Abracadabra.
What should your focus be. Hoodwinked for so long, I’ve been. Focus. Turn the love back around and pour it into yourself. Don’t worry. You will still Love others. Turn the forgiveness around and give it to yourself.
Focus on yourself for once. Focus on your life for once. Your life is important, too. Your dreams are important, too. Your destiny is important, too. And it is up to you, and your focus, to make anything you want real.
Focus. Painstaking process of extricating myself from the patterns and habits and relationships and thoughts that feel like they have been clawing into my back for years, keeping me bound in one place. I remove the claws one by one by one.
In my back there have been hooks
holding me here
holding me here…
I release them one by one.
Through my focus and attention I am set free.
Vampires buzz around. “Give me your energy!” they scream. “Give me your time!” they scream. “I will feed you nothing.” I do not look to them. I do not give them my energy, except for my Love and Blessing. I have finally figured it out.
Thank you, God.
I do not give them my energy, except for my Love and Blessing. Loving them and Loving me, too, means I leave them alone, tell them what I have to say, give them what I have to give, allow them to learn their own lessons, and breathe life back into the holes in my back.
Redemption and absolution are options at last. I see them. I focus on them. Forgiveness and Love are possibilities. I see them. I focus on them. I hold tight to the connection to the Spirit that answers all that I do not know. The Spirit that carries me places I would never imagine. I hold tight to you, God. I hold tight to you, Love.
If I were my own mother, then I would say, “Laydie, take a break now. Take good care of your own self now. Find people who will hold you and not ask you for shit. Yes, these people exist. Find people who will ask you for the things that you give willingly, like love and joy and fun. My baby, you can be strong. Strong is not a bad word now. Strong doesn’t mean you will be alone. Strong means you will make it through. Finally. This time, you will make it through this nightmare and your life will become a dream. You know what to do. You have known what to do for a long time. Now, do it. You can. See how, when you listen to me, your life blossoms. Focus. On your health. Focus. On completion, mainly. On absolution, mainly. On Love, mainly. Follow the energy of Love. Go the places where your Love is received. Be with the people who do not hurt you. Don’t worry. Once you decide that peace and Love is all you will accept, people will change the way they treat you, or they will disappear. And new people will show up to offer you more Love than you can imagine. Focus now. You are on the brink of a major breakthrough. Epic. Jump into this part of your life with all your intention. With all your heart. Be brave about it. Be bold about it. Let go the parasites. Just like you are doing this body detox cleanse. Do it in your life. Let go the parasites. Don’t hate them. Look at them with interest and love. And let them go. Time to stop typing. Nourish your body temple. Be completely selfish. At this moment in time, yes, it’s all about you. You’ve paid your dues and made half of a life all about everything except the blossoming of your heart and soul. Make it all about you, now. Make your life all about you, now. You can do it, my baby. You can do it.
Focus, focus, focus.”
And so it is.
Ameen.
Day 497
Focus
So… Well… Where to start? I’m at a Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. It’s 8:35am. Went to an early morning yoga class, did some stretches at the park, and then I wasn’t sure what to do about my day. I’m at a crossroads. Major. The first time in my adult life that I’ve been at a crossroads and I recognize it for the crossroads that it is. In one direction, there is more of the same. In the other direction, there is everything that I’ve never known.
I am choosing the other direction. I won’t speak about the fear. It is there. But more than fear, there is desperation. More than fear, there is the knowingness that I can no longer do more of the same with my life. I can no longer be a nonentity, full of Love and full of ideas and full of so much joy and sharing it with no one fully. I can no longer be a lonely single woman living in a box with wooden floors in the middle of LA, barely making rent every month, finishing nothing, and being sad all the time.
In the Coffee Bean, there are rich people talking about rich things. I came and sat at what I thought was a quiet corner, but a loud couple came and sat next to me, and they are being loud and loudly chatting up everyone who passes them by. Please leave. Please leave now. The acoustics in this corner echo..
What was I writing about? What do I want to write about?
I want to write about many things. Power, Love and life. A couple of weeks ago, my sis and I went to an intimate concert. There was this lady there that really liked us. She came and sat by us and spoke about how powerful we are. Said she practiced Reiki and could see auras and that we were the most powerful things in the room. Then she asked, “What are you going to do with all that power?”…
For some reason, for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about Love and death. My uncle died the other day. I didn’t know him too well, but I knew his daughter, my cousin, very well and spent my teenage years with her. What comes to mind is how little Love I’ve shared in my life. What crosses my mind is how much Love I want to share.
The world can be so cold and dark. So many people are suffering. The ironic thing is, most of us are suffering from the same thing: a lack of love, a lack of a sense of belonging, an inability to have the life we sometimes don’t even dare to dream of. You would think that, with so many people wanting the same things, more of us would have figured out how to have it and how to help others have it. I think that’s what I would like to do with my life. Help people have more love. Help people have a sense of belonging. Help people at least have an inkling of the life they dare to dream of.
I have a lot of cleaning up to do. Still… There are relationships in my life that are still sitting there taking up energy with their unresolved issues.
I don’t have any answers, understand? How do you go from a single, middle-aged broke lady in the middle of LA with very few fulfilling personal relationships and no finished projects and no real religion to the image that I have of myself in my head? A world leader. A happy, Loved wife and mother who only has good relationships with my biological family and who has amazing friends and colleagues who band together and support each other in living better and better lives. Super rich. So rich that I pay people to manage my money. Prolific in my projects and inventions. A spiritual healer or saint of sorts who has a sure sense of my spiritual path and my sense of belonging in the world.
These are my dreams. I haven’t given up on them yet. I can’t. I know, people give up on their dreams every day, but I can’t. The little bit of crazy in me won’t let me. I’d rather die than live a life of the walking dead.
But how to get from where I am now to where I want to be, where I know I should be. My mind can’t figure anything out. My mind has all these plots and plans in it, but there is a part of me that is more than my mind… This is where it gets crazy. There is a part of me that I know exists. Call it Spirit if you want. It is more than my mind. It has saved me and informed me on more than one occasion when I have listened to it. It edges me on and tells me to listen to it now.
There is no way I’m going to reconstruct my life without it. It tells me to do all the things that I’m so afraid to do: reach out to all these people, write letters, just do all this stuff. Travel all these places when I haven’t even paid all of my bills for the month…
So today, since shit else has worked, and since I’m not giving up on myself, I’m going to listen to it. I’m going to listen to my Spirit and go where it leads me. It says to stop writing this blog now and do other things, so here I go. Wish me luck, my Loves. What am I gonna do with all this power? With all this Love? With all this Life? I don’t know… I’m going to surrender and see what happens. Wish me luck my Loves. Wish me luck…
Day 496
What Are You Gonna Do (With All that Power/Love/Life)?
I just deleted the post I put up yesterday…
I’m supposed to be working on a script, but it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been deeply in touch with my inner world. My writing partner/house guest left this morning, and I just want to take a moment to process and set a clear intention before I move on to the next thing.
I wrote a blog badmouthing him yesterday. Everything I said was true, but, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel good about saying it, so I took it down.
I went through a thing with him. It wasn’t his fault. Whatever we went through seemed to represent my relational dynamics with most people in my life – up until this point. I saw the pattern clear. God brought stinky feet and everything that I can’t stand and shoved it in my face to deal with.
All the anger and unforgiveness that I had been harboring inside of me for so many things for so many years – even anger and unforgiveness for myself – came to the surface and was released. All the patterns were made crystal clear.
I was mad at myself because I have spent so many years being a martyr. I was mad at myself because I had spent so much time giving my time and energy towards people and causes that couldn’t refuel me even if they wanted to. I was mad at everyone who ever looked at me as their hero, or their source for progress, and latched onto me for the express purpose of being saved by me, and never thought once to care for me in the process. And I was full of unforgiveness.
That was yesterday, and this is today. Today I am full of gratitude. There was a heaviness, like a weight in my brain and in my body, and it has been lifted. Today, life doesn’t feel hard. Oh, I am still right here at the beginning with so many unknowns, but what I know is that I am going somewhere better than where I came from, and knowledge is enough for me to keep walking and taking action.
In me, there is a seed of joy and Love that wants to express and flower. It is like the seed was always there trying to find good place to take root. And finally, finally, it has found a space in me where it can be rooted and grow. And it is ready to blossom already.
I’ll give my old friend fear a break. Matter of fact, I’ll give my old friend fear some Love. I’m sure my wild ass would have been dead without it. And so I am grateful for the fear that kept me safe. I no longer need you to keep me safe anymore, fear. I will keep myself safe with Love. I will keep myself safe by Loving myself and taking action that reflects that Love. I finally understand. I finally get it.
I don’t want to talk too much about this idea because it’s fairly new to me, but martyrdom ain’t it. Martyrdom is not the way. You end up dead and then nobody wins. I hear my good friend Matsemala’s spirit speaking to me from the other side. He says it’s time to do work now. It’s time to create. It’s time to be Blessed.
Take that focus. Take that energy that I so willingly give away to any and everything all willy nilly, and give to the nurturing of the seed that has been planted. Give birth at last to something True. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Be a Blessing. Be Blessed.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 495
For the Martyrs (Be Blessed) (The Energy of Love)
It’s been a dark day… A dark month… A dark six months… Hell, it’s mostly been a dark ten years if I’m being honest. The Decade of Darkness, I’ll call it.
The Lord hath said it is time for an end. The decade of darkness shall end today. Lord, if you will hold my hand, I am choosing the Light now. I am choosing to step into the light…
A friend of mine was supposed to come out to visit – my writing bud. We have this major opportunity that presented itself, and I’ve been so unstable and overwhelmed lately that I didn’t think I would be able to rise to the occasion if I didn’t have someone here with me, and so I asked him to come, so we could just help motivate each other and knock this project out and finally move on to the next level of our lives… He has had a dark decade as well.
I made the request on Sunday, and by Monday morning, he said he’d be here on Tuesday. Then by Monday night, he said he’d be here on Wednesday. And finally, today, he said that something had come up, an opportunity for another one of his projects in the city he lives in, and he would be here on this upcoming Sunday.
I was distraught. You see, when he said he was coming, I imagined myself like one of those people in the video games, or like a character from “Ready Player One”. I had found the last key. I could finally unlock my life and move on to the next level.
I had found a bonafide power partner. Someone who would be here for me. Someone who wouldn’t tap out when things got rough and someone who had the guts to go for his dream all the way. Someone who wouldn’t get jealous of me when I started succeeding. Someone who truly cared about other people and was willing to put his money where his mouth was. Someone who could be kind and honest… I thought I had found a power partner at last. He wasn’t a woman, like my Feminine Power course had suggested, but nonetheless, he qualified and he was coming!
And then he wasn’t. And now I don’t know if he will. I don’t know if I want him to. The moment has passed. He didn’t come, and honestly, I am angry with him and disappointed with him for not taking the action that he knew he should have taken, for letting his mind and fears get in the way, and for not being there for me in the way that I really needed. “How much support do you need?” my hater under supported friend asked me not too long ago.
Truth be told, I will survive. But I’m not sure if anything else outside of survival happens all on one’s own. I know. We are not supposed to say this, especially not in America. We are supposed to say that we can do everything on our own and that we’ve done everything on our own, and I’ve touted that story for most of my life, but I don’t believe it anymore.
And my mind says, “well just believe it again”, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t want it anymore… I have been searching for a power partner since I heard about the concept in a course I took called Feminine Power over a year ago. A power partner is like a vision holder. It is someone who stands with you and stands for you and helps you step into whatever vision you have for yourself. There is harmony and love between you and them. You stand with and for them and do the same thing for them as well. In the Feminine Power course (which is created and taught by Claire Zammit), there are three keys to unlocking Feminine Power and creating the life of your dreams, living your destiny and helping to change the world.
1. Get into your true identity and align your behaviors with true identity
2. Get into an empowered relationship with God as a co-creator
3. Get into an empowered relationship with the collective field and find you a power partner.
I have been working hard on the first two, but still haven’t found a power partner, and last night when I thought my writing bud was coming, it felt like I had the third key in my hand…
It’s 2:35am. I’m at my alma mater in the computer lab, because I had to do some work and I knew it wasn’t going to get done if I stayed at home. There is a man in my life who I’m breaking up. I’ve broken up with, but he still says he’s my man, and he’s still around and now we just be mean to each and dig deeper into all the reasons we don’t need to be together without really talking about it.
Today, he made a comment as to how it would be nice if I essentially got my life together and had something good to talk about sometimes. That has been on my mind. I have many poems to write about it. “Fair Weather Men”. “Good Time Girl”. “Talk to Me When You Get It Together”. “Lift Your Vibe if You Want to Vibe”… There is an epidemic of spiritually “conscious” people who think being conscious means only surrounding yourself with “happy” people and only pretending to be happy all the time, and not really dealing with any negative emotions, and definitely not being in the presence of anyone who expresses negative emotions. I had the inclination to tell him about himself in a passive-aggressive poem that would hit him straight in the gut. Of course, I know all about him. He never told me, but I could tell him why he’s never had a successful relationship and all the ways he’s just not good boyfriend or spouse material. I’m pretty sure no one he’s cared much about has ever told him these things, because he doesn’t really get close enough to anyone for them to see these sides of him…
I have a way of bringing out the monsters and the shadows. I’ve made peace with that part of myself. But I still want to write a poem to this guy. I’d like to do something different. For once, I don’t want to be that girl. That girl that recognizes all the shit you’ve got going on and tells you about yourself. I want to flip it. I don’t want to be a liar, either, and act like it’s ok to just be someone who only wants to hang out with folks when stuff is good. But what I know is that he doesn’t want to be that person, either. He’s wanted to be better for quite some time… He’s just too invested in his false identity to do anything different.
This blog may be long because I have a lot to write about. I hope you’ll bear with through these bad, sad times. I don’t want to cover them up and not write about them, and you know why? Because so many people don’t talk or write about the sad and bad times, and then other people feel like something is totally wrong with them for having negative emotions… Because I can be an asshole and I have a fighting spirit, and because some kind of way I’m compassionate, too, and I ask people questions like, “How do you fee?” I am very privy to the deep, dark feelings of many. And many have very deep, dark feelings that they just don’t share.
We keep them bottled in until we get sick as dogs and our hands start trembling and our lives fall apart and we get diagnosed with psych issues. And then, finally, we confront our shadows when confronting them is our only option to survive. We are, indeed, survivors. But how can we thrive?
Underneath the Shadow
Underneath the shadow is the bridge that leads us home
Not saying you should stay and witness demons exorcised.
You might get hurt, and you must survive.
But underneath the shadow, my light remains
I, too, wish to see the sun.
I, too, wish to speak of ease and joy
And, oh!
To feel the safety of arms unafraid
of gnashing
phantom
teeth
Not saying you should stick around and see the ugliness of butterfly birth
But when this time passes
And my shadow becomes lighter and lighter as I spread my wings
higher and higher
Know I will remember you
And I forgive your missight
I will remember Love you shared when you could see my light
And I will Bless you with my butterfly wings on your darkest days…
I Love you.
I am here to spread the Light.
I have always been…
Day 494
Underneath the Shadow
