Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
So much to say… I just deleted an unfinished entry.
I’m closing my eyes. Want to get to the deep place. Wanted to reach out and touch someone Share. I have been learning a lot lately. Taking a lot in. And feeling the urge to give out now. Balance. Incomplete sentences.
A new chapter beginning. New job. In film. Tell you what it is when the check clears. Eyes open. Sunlight shining in from the windows in my gated apartment in the ghetto. Everything is the same except it’s not.
Ideas of normalcy and happiness flood my mind. What if I could actually scrub my walls down and clean my house? What if this part of my life could actually be over? What if I could have true friends who wished me well and didn’t get jealous even if I was doing better than them – a flow of goodwill between us? What if I was happy? What if I always had more than enough money than I needed in my account and a passive income and a big bank account? What if everything was paid for and paid off? What if I was a real writer and real filmmaker, living in a house with a lot of color that smelled good? What if I lived in a house? A house… What if it was somewhere with a nice sky and streets that felt good to walk down? And what if there was a back yard and clean sheets and comfy beds and sheets and towels and a bed for guests? Ooooh! What if there was guest house? What if I had neighbors I liked and a community around me? What if I had good relationships with all of my family members? Am I dreaming too big? What if I was actually a professional writer and I really wrote movies and shows and books and plays? What if it was real? And people took me seriously and were moved by my work and inspired and they thought my creative works were at least interesting? What if I was really a writer and I got paid really well for my work? What if I really did do heal the world work and the things I know were taken seriously and my leadership and my ideas and my work actually helped people and made the world better? What if I had a kid? What if I had kids? Little people whose bellies I would rub and play with?
What if all of my inventions for products came to pass and people were helped by the things I thought of and I made a lot of money – so much money that I never had to think about money again and could just make decisions based upon what I wanted to do with this body and soul that I call my self?
What if I had a man? What if I had someone whom I could pour all of my Love into and he could handle it? What if he wasn’t scared of me and didn’t leave or be mean to me when I made mistakes? What if he Loved me? What if he Loved me so much that I didn’t cry so much anymore and he thought that I was awesome just the way I am. What if I was his dream girl and he was my dream guy? What if we had awesome sex and he was able to hold me? What if he was strong enough and wise enough to hold me and comfort me? What if I could work with and collaborate with awesome people all of the time and we all had and mutual interest in living goods lives and being a beneficial presence on the planet? What if we could be integrous? It wasn’t just a fantasy…
What if we could be integrous?
These are my thoughts this morning. These are the kinds of thoughts that I haven’t had in years… I am thinking about what I can do with this life. I am thinking about possibilities. Is my life possible, Allah? Are my dreams possible? What if they were? What if I just believed a little bit that these things were possible for me? What if I gave myself a chance for them to be possible? Surely there are people who are doing the things that barely dare to speak of. Surely there are people are living the lives that I barely dare to imagine. Or at least they are experiencing parts of that life.
A fog has lifted and I can have these thoughts and wonder why I have had them in so long. I never really believed that these things could be a part of my real life. They were fantasies – relegated to a space outside of me. Only to be dreamed about but never had or lived or experienced or given.
Today I’m going to step out of time and pull these fantasies here inside of me. I’m going to see if I can make an imprint on my brain and tell myself that they are possible. I’m going to see what I can do about this life, see if I can actually have a good life now. God, can I have a good life now? I’d like a good life now? Will you help me, please? I know You will help me if I am choosing to do Your will and if I am choosing the highest good for all involved. And I am choosing to do Your will and I am choosing the highest good for all involved.
So I guess I’ll start my day now. I’m grateful for these thoughts. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for everything that has come before this moment. I’m grateful for a new day and all these fantastical musings. Have a beautiful day. I Love You…
Sincerely,
Laydie
Day 509
Fantastical Musings
Emotions raw… Feel them. Things thought resolved bubbling up. Forgiveness on the brain. Living with others. Synchronicity. Pain. Contrast. Happiness…
How can I be in this place? How can I be in this world? Brokenness everywhere. And me, too. Was holding things. Am holding things still. My sister visiting. Just shut me up as I was singing my song. I just told her to cut that shit out. Messing with my vibe…
I don’t have much to write about. Sometimes I just need to write. Praying won’t do it. Reading won’t do it. Meditating, dancing, singing, hanging with folks won’t hit the spot. I need to put words on paper or computer or anything, and then I am ok.
I am not hurt. I am not broken, but my heart is breaking open… But there is a sadness for so much time lost. I have a good friend. My best friend – the last man standing – for over twenty years. Oddly enough, he doesn’t make it to the blog that much. Just like my father’s name is hardly ever mentioned here. I loved them the most. I Love them the most. My Best Friend hurt me really badly. He had hurt me very badly over the years.
This past fall, to make a long story short, I tried to hook my best friend up with a good friend of mine. She was a female friend living in LA. To make a long story short, the hook-up didn’t go too well for me. My best friend ended up forsaking helping me out with stuff I needed and being there for me in order to spend time with my female friend. My female friend relished in the opportunity to be picked first and forsook me as well. I stopped being friends with both of them for a while, but my best friend – well, he’s been my best friend for years.
He was the one who came and took care of me and cooked me oatmeal when I was sick and alone in my apartment in LA and couldn’t even get up off the floor to make my own food. He was the one who sat on the phone with me and counseled me through anxiety attacks as I started back writing again. He is the one who sends me his last little dollar to celebrate myself and take myself out to dinner after some small accomplishment. He is the one who checks up on me. He is the first man in my life who didn’t disappear. When we were much younger, after our first fight, I thought he would never talk to me again, because that’s what the men in my life did when they got mad at me. They disappeared. But after a few days of being mad at me, my Best Friend called me and he said, “Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I’m not your friend anymore.”
It was a mind blowing concept for me.
Twenty years later, my Best Friend broke my heart by the way he treated me last fall. We stopped talking for a while, and then we became friends again, but things were different. I was hurt. We had many, many, conversations, but he never really saw what he did that hurt me so bad. He never acknowledged it. He never said sorry. He tried and has been trying hard to be nice to me since, but something had changed in my heart about him. I didn’t trust him anymore and it made me very sad.
As fate would have it, he got very sick. My other friend whom he had betrayed me with had gotten sick, too. They are both assholes of a sort, and so they don’t have a big support system around them. All they have is each asshole other. My best friend reached out to me in his time of need, but I thought, “Go be friends with my asshole friend who you betrayed me for. She’s an asshole so she ain’t gonna help you with shit, and that’s what you get…”
I’ve had that feeling towards him. I’ve been holding that feeling towards him. That “that’s what you get” feeling. I’m just being honest. Part of the time, I’m aware that I’m holding that feeling, but most of the time I’m not aware. It’s just like there’s a sadness between us. He frowns when he sees me, mostly. I am not particularly excited about him, but he is like an old coat that has been there for me and a comfort. I know it’s not cool to admit these things out loud, but it’s true. I had been holding those “that’s what you get” feelings about him and my female friend as well.
As fate would have it again, some years ago, my Best Friend had introduced me to the guy who is now courting me. Last night, me and Best Friend were talking and I told him about how I like cooking for the guy who is courting me. I never liked cooking for my best friend b/c he’s always critical and ungrateful and he never seemed to like anything I do for him unless it looked like I had to go through some pain to do it. Anyway, when I told my Best Friend that I enjoyed cooking for new guy, my best friend got jealous. He started talking about how he was the one who introduced me to the new guy, and for a moment I thought, “I’m gonna do my Best Friend just like he did me with my female friend.” I’m gonna cancel doing stuff with Best Friend or say no to him and tell him I’m hanging out with my new guy instead. I’m gonna stop helping him while he’s sick and tell him that I thought he’d be ok and it’s more fun hanging out with my new guy. I’m gonna save all my smiles for my new guy and frown at my best friend all the time, and then he’ll see how it felt to do what he did to me. That’s what he gets…”
It didn’t feel good to think those things, but I thought them. I realized that I wasn’t over it. I wasn’t over the pain that had come between us. I wasn’t over so many things. I had been holding so many people hostage energetically, waiting for them to learn their lessons, waiting for them to get what they get until I forgave them.
And I don’t know what to think about these things. This is grown up stuff. Where is the line drawn? When do you say, you have done too much, and you will not repent, so you can’t come around me no more? When do you say, you have done so much and you will not repent, and I will forgive you anyway? When do you punish? Do you punish? When do you love anyway? At what point does continuing to engage in certain relationships become self abuse?
I don’t know if there is a book of rules about these things. There is no book of rules about these things, besides the religious books. I wanted to Love him. My Best Friend. I was tired of holding him hostage to my unforgiveness. I didn’t want to be like him, holding back my smiles from him, only seeing the worst in him. I didn’t have the answers. I don’t have the answers.
What I know, though, is that there is something about forgiving and saying sorry. Not just forgiving others, but forgiving yourself. My heart longs to love. Some people have been assholes. Sometimes I have been the asshole and I am sure that someone has written in a blog or a journal about the ways I have hurt them somewhere. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes not. What would it be like if I could just open up my hands and let it all go? Just say, “I know you hurt me, and I know you may never realize or acknowledge your offense, but I am not set on punishing you anymore.” Could I allow them to be happy and healed and live good lives, even if they never said sorry to me? Even if they never wished good things for me?
I want justice, but something in me says that this is justice. This is justice for my own heart. Forgiveness is justice for my own heart. I don’t really understand, but I know it’s true. I want to Love. I want Love to flow freely between me and the people in my life. My Best Friend is tenured. He has earned his place as friend till death do us part. I am sure we have journeyed through many lives together in many ways, but in this life, finally, I want Love between us…
So this is what I needed to write. These are the words I needed to release. My back feels lighter. Aches and pains are softening. My frozen heart is melting. I will be safe even if I forgive. I will have Love even if I forgive. Justice has a way of finding it’s way into all of our lives, even if I’m not serving it. For me, I choose Love now… I choose Love and Forgiveness now. And that’s what I get…
Ameen.
Day 508
Love And Forgiveness (That’s What You Get)
Back in the real world. Been in fantasy land for the past five days. Folks came in town. My Lover. Friends. Frenemies. They all came at the same time. It was this girl’s, my frenemy’s, birthday and some people came in town because of that, and others just happened to be in town this weekend. Twelve of us sat at a birthday table.
Artists. Mutual friends. Lovers. Exes. All interconnected in some way. I spent the last five days on the Westside of LA County. First in Beverly Hills and then near the Beach. I was with my Lover. Who is this guy, you ask? Long story short, I don’t know if he ever made it to this blog.
Met him a few years ago through my best friend. He was visiting LA from another country and my best friend, who was living with me at the time, brought him right into my living room. He was nice and innocent. He asked me to go out with him and my best friend, so I did. At some point in our outing, he asked if he could hug me. I said yes, and he hugged me. Broke open my heart. I felt so much Love. We went out on two more dates and after the last one, he went back to his country. Said he wanted to marry me and he was going to come back in a couple of months. He didn’t. The devil came in between us, and a family death plus financial and relationship problems moored him in his country. I lost interest in a romantic relationship with him, but we remained friends…
Two years later, he reaches out and says he is coming into LA. He wants to see me. And so I saw him for the past five days. His hug is just as amazing as it has ever been. I am not used to being held with Love. I did not know how much I missed it and needed it. He calls me sweetheart and helps with everything. “How can I Love you more?” he asks. I am in Heaven. We eat healthy food every day, go to the beach, to the park, to the mountains. We celebrate his friend’s birthday and I make peace with a longtime frenemy. I freestyle rap with him and other friends. And my best friend (the one who introduced us) comes in town, too. I am surrounded by giants with huge hearts. I am happy. I am having so much fun. I am feeling so much Love. Anything is possible with these people… He kisses my back and all pain from the past dissipates. I didn’t know that I was carrying so much pain still. Will I marry him? I don’t know. There are many things to consider. He is not afraid of me, and this is new. He sees me as beautiful, all the way, and he sees my good intentions, and this i new. He is not afraid of the deep depths of my Love, and this is new…
And suddenly it dawns on me that I am ok. The war is over. I am safe. This part of my life is over. I don’t have to be so sad anymore. I’m not so sad anymore. I’m not afraid of so much anymore, and I can do things now. I can move forward now. I can have a good life now. It dawns on me that there are good people in the world who will help me with things just because they Love me. And they will accept the Love I have to give in the way I have to give it.
It dawns on me that I have been Blessed with a Blank slate. I have gotten a “do-over” pass from God, and I can start over. There are some scars and bruises from a life that has definitely been lived, but my mind and my body function well enough for me to thrive on this Earth plane. And my Spirit is finally coming into alignment with the Truth of who I am.
My old friend fear wants me to panic now, fret about what I will do and how I will do it and where I will live and who I will live with, but I don’t want to fret anymore. I want to disrupt that pattern of anxiety and fear when I’m not sure what the future holds and move into the knowingness that all of life is working together for my good and I can let go of control and move into listening, receptivity, and curiosity.
Now is the time to make plans and take immediate action. So we will. We will read our Think and Grow Rich book, make plans immediately, and take some steps forward now. Build the foundation of your new Life with Love and Joy. Listen for my next steps as we learn how to fly…
Thank you, Allah. Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 507
Life With Love (Blank Slating)
Overwhelmed with sadness. Despairing, almost. Life is not always a lovely blog entry concluded with an inspirational message. Sometimes it is like this.
How are you feeling, Laydie? Like a failure. Like my life is passing me by. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Like I was supposed to be somebody else, doing something else. Like I am always alone, as much as I try and connect. Like I am always alone… Like this quote from The Mighty Gents: “I know what it is I wanna do, and I know what it is I have to do to get what I want, but somehow I just can’t do it.” Like I need help, but I don’t even know who can help me in the ways that I need. Like nobody cares that much. Like there is an opening and an opportunity in the world right now for me to have a breakthrough, but I am too paralyzed to step through it. Like I owe too many people too much money and I just want to sell everything, get rid of my debt, and go home. Like I don’t know where home is. Like I miss my dad. Like does anyone Love me for real? Why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I feel it?
Like I don’t matter, or even if I do matter, I don’t matter for me. Like crawling into my bed and just stopping right now. Like sorrow. I feel like sorrow…
I feel like being held by someone who will not hurt me afterwards. Someone who will not abandon me and stick with me till I make it out of this… There is no one, Allah.
This is what sorrow feels like. This is grief. This is despair…
I thought my life would be different by now. October was on my mind. October is always on my mind. I thought things would be different by this October, but October is a week away, and there is nothing stable in my life…
So here I am, just telling the truth; crying and whining and being all sad about everything… My mamma said to fight, but I’m not sure that I have any fight left in me. I do. I can fight if it comes down to it, but I am tired of fighting now.
I want you to take care of me, Allah, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry with you. Because I have been doing my best and it hasn’t been easy for me. And it’s not fair. OK? It doesn’t feel fair for me to be paralyzed in a chair doing nothing with my life when I actually had good stuff in me that could have helped a lot of people in the world. I feel like wasted potential…
You know, I am not stubborn anymore. Some time ago, I used to be pretty stubborn. I used to not be able to see that certain things weren’t possible. Now, I am full of doubt and fear, and I don’t know what is possible for me. And it has been hard for me. It has been hard…
Am I an artist? Not really. A bit, but I’m not super passionate about it. A teacher? A little bit. A social philanthropist? Kind of more than the previous two. A healer? A little bit. But nothing concrete. Nothing structured. Nothing wholly clear and my brain can’t seem to figure anything out these days.
You ask me if I want to live or die, and I still want to live… I miss my old friends. I miss being naive and delusional and just thinking I had Love everywhere. I miss life being easy and fun. I miss my old religion and having everything figured out. I miss passion and being in love with people. And sex? What’s that? I miss sex.
It has come to this. I have tried to do everything else but listen to the Guidance you are giving me, and it worked for a certain amount of time in my life. Until it didn’t. And now nothing is working. And following through on the Guidance you are giving me, Allah, is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m under attack spiritually. Maybe the devil doesn’t want me to break through. Maybe my ego is afraid of being annihilated and becoming someone new. Maybe I’m just batshit nuts crazy…
I am using every ounce of will in me to stop from going to sleep on the bed and staying with this blog till the end. Till I get somewhere. It has really come to this. I don’t have anything inspirational to say. It gets hard sometimes. Really hard. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know if anything will ever work out. You don’t know how to be happy or have peace of mind. You are frozen in limbo because you are afraid and traumatized by so much. And you thought you were a good person. And you don’t understand how your life ended up like this. And there is nothing or no one to lean on and save you and tell you what to do. And you wonder if you can survive putting yourself out into the world and facing another heartbreak or another death or another disappointment. And so you don’t step out. But that doesn’t work either. Because then you are boxed in isolation feeling disconnected from everything.
What is the solution? My Inner knowing tells me to finish up on my Feminine Power coursework and complete the little tasks that seem to have nothing to do with nothing that have been on my “to-do” list for a while. None of it makes sense, but I am out of solutions. I will listen. I will listen if it takes every ounce of will in me to pry myself up and do what You say… I want to Live. I will Listen… Ameen.
Day 506
Listen (Feels Like Sorrow)
Pain in me. Deep. Serious. Unstable is an understatement.
Have been feeling. On purpose. More than 20 years ago, I learned how not to feel. To leave my body and disassociate myself from anything that seems like it might hurt. I see it coming a mile away and tap out. Heartbreak? Don’t feel it as much as I can. Disappointment? Nope. Doesn’t touch me. Any kind of disaster or even physical trauma? I don’t feel it until it reaches the point where my hair falls out or my body breaks down or my nerves don’t work. I know. Crazy. But this is how this hypersensitive empath of a girl learned to survive instead of being overwhelmed by all of the things that I feel on a regular basis.
But now I am no longer a girl. I am a woman. And not feeling anything has cost me much in the way of relationships. When I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel anything, and I am out of touch with what’s really going on with people, and what’s really going on with myself. Me being hypersensitive is a gift that I have yet to use for my benefit.
Through my Feminine Power course, I’ve been practicing getting in touch with my feelings and my needs on a daily basis. And the process has been excruciating. I. Feel. So. Much. Pain. All over my body. Last night I spent the night in my car. I was coming from somewhere late at night, but I was in so much pain that I was unstable. It was all I could do to curl up in my car and go to sleep.
I think about the things that have happened in my life – the things that happen in so many people’s lives – and I am overwhelmed and paralyzed by the sadness. This year has been a year of many heavy blows and disappointment. It has also been a year of feeling. I feel something at last. I feel. It has been a year of reconnecting with the lost pieces of myself – my joy in particular and my stubborn tenacity. It has been a year of forgiveness and growth. I am still forgiving. I am still growing. I do not know how this story ends. I feel afraid. I feel overwhelmed, but…
The other day I got in touch with the stubborn teenager in me. I have been so fragmented for so long. I turned my grown woman self towards the stubborn teenager in me – I had been trying to get in touch with her for so long – and she finally looked back at me. She is resilient and tenacious and she told me to use my stubbornness for something good. It was time. It is time.
My life has fallen to shit pieces and I am nothing and nowhere. I would like to tell you something hopeful and amazing about being in this place, but to be honest, nothing feels hopeful or amazing. Men have been resurfacing in my life and showing up, asking for stuff. The only guy I dated this year, The Old Farmer, reached out to me and invited me to a fabulous concert tonight, Lauryn Hill and some other folks. He is an old dude with a lot of growing up to do. At first I told him no. He still owes me apologies for a list of things. Then I said yeah. Because he’s old. And he’s hurting. And I’m getting old. And I’m hurting. And maybe in relationship, there is an opportunity for healing.
There are so many debts I have been holding on to. I am tired of them. I open my hands and just let them go. It’s ok if certain people never treat me the ways I want them to. I don’t think the point is to teach people lessons. I think the point is to learn your own lessons. Find out what you need, and find the people and places that you can get what you need. And for the people who are just wreaking havoc in your life? Put them in their place. Perhaps their place is no place. But perhaps all is needed is boundaries and a renegotiation of your relationship agreements and expectations, and you can find a way to give and receive the gifts you have for each other.
I’m gonna go now. After all is said and done, I am grateful for all of this stuff that we call life. I pray for the day and open my heart up for the day that all these wounds are healed, that Love prevails in me and that I am able to walk through the world happy, safe, valued, doing something good with my life, at peace, with abundance and sharing joy with so many. I’m in too deep to turn back now.
For now, I’m going to go and take a shower, I’m going to transmute this one relationship with Love and be done with it, and I’m going to listen to Lauryn Hill sing to me about how it could all be so simple and think about what an amazing life she had. Secret information: My ex (Dream Lover) is very good friends with Lauryn Hill’s dad…
Be good to yourself. Have a beautiful day.
Love,
Laydie
Day 505
It Could All Be So Simple (Lauryn Hill)
So… You know, I live a pretty active life. There’s a lot to write about tonight, but I’ll keep it short. I went to Burning Man. Tell you more about that life changing experience another time.
I want to talk about Love for a moment. I want to talk about Joy. It is easy to forget about these things when you are busy suffering and surviving and working and fighting and care-taking and meeting demands and trying to be safe in this world.
I’ve been doing the Feminine Power Course by Claire Zammit again. This time, I made a mighty, fierce intention. It’s kind of private, but let’s just say that I made a commitment to have a breakthrough in my life and I’ve been putting in some work towards it. And life has been shifting.
And while I was at Burning Man (it’s a huge civic arts festival attracting more than 70,000 people a year for those of you who don’t know), I found a piece of me that had been dormant for a while: my joy. And I found the idea – just the idea – of real Love. I’m not talking about romantic love. I’m not talking about a love that wants. I’m talking about a love that gives freely just for the joy of giving and a love that receives with open arms, with no obligation or debt.
I remembered a lost part of me, and I’m grateful. There has been so much pain. I have been in so much pain for so long, but I am healing at last. I’ve been working with my childhood traumas, making peace with them, and seeing how they have governed my identity and created so much sadness in my life. I feel sorry for the little girl in me who has been hurt and closed up for so long, sitting in a corner with her bottled up joy.
I have decided to Love her. I know, you think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. I have missed the happy little girl in me. I have missed my innocence. I had forgotten that life could be a joyous adventure.
You will say that being happy is a fantasy, but I say that it is all a fantasy. A default fantasy called fate or an intentional dream called destiny. I don’t know everything. I don’t know anything. But I know that I am happy to feel the energy of joy in my body. I am happy to feel more hope than fear.
Today, I dreamed of Love. Just for a moment. I dreamed of success. For a minute, it was real. And joy was with me. Just a little ember, but I was so happy to see that it was still with me after all this time and after so much pain. Joy was still in me!
I want to say to you, Love, you who are struggling and suffering. You who have forgotten how to feel. You who are lonely and who have closed up your heart. You who don’t believe in your dreams anymore. I’m a nobody, you hear? I’m in no position to give you any advice, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but take it if it’s for you, because I’m giving you something on purpose right now.
There is a place on the other side of this mess. There is another place. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve experienced it. They will tell you that happiness doesn’t exist, that integrity doesn’t exist, that love and joy are for the naive, that no one lives their dream, but it’s a lie. It’s a lie created in order for us to cope with our disillusionment, but nonetheless, it’s a lie…
I know that if you are sad and lonely and brokenhearted and hurt, you don’t want to hear that misery is a lie. It is a lie for some and it is the truth for some. And that is what I learned at Burning Man. There is more to life than my experience of it. That is what I want you to know There is more to life than your experience of it… I can’t tell you why bad things happen to good people. I can’t tell you if things are going to get better or worse. I can’t tell you that you won’t hurt more or that you will live your dream.
But if you are still here, reading blogs about hope and happiness, then you haven’t given up yet. You still have a little life in you yet. And if you’re not going to quit, you might as well commit. Go for it. Give your all to the possibility of joy. Oh, my God. Give your all and just give yourself a chance to maybe break through. It might take a while. It might take years. But years are gonna pass anyway. You are stronger and wiser than you know and there is more to life than your experience of it. This is my lesson, too. If you’re not gonna quit, you might as well commit…
Good night, World. I love you.
Day 504
If You’re Not Gonna Quit (You Might As Well Commit)
“Where is energy opening up? Give voice to what’s opening up and what’s expanding.” – C. Zammit.
So. The above quote is what I heard in my Feminine Power Q&A Course yesterday. I’m taking a course called Feminine Power. I took it before, on my own, but now I’m taking it live with a group of women and also with my sister.
I think anxiety is bubbling up in my body right now. I’m sorting out my thoughts. Can I tel you what happened? This morning, I went online and found out that an independent film that I worked on has just gotten picked up for wide distribution in US Theaters. I had a high level position on that film- Assistant Director, for those of you who know about film – but I quit. I quit because the director and the energy of the set was just flat out mean and negative, but now I’m looking at the success of the film and wondering if I should have stayed on board.
That’s not all, though.
Yesterday, my friend the Advisor dumped me. For those of you who don’t know who that is, The Advisor is a former professor of mine. He was my English teacher in college when I was 20 years old, and although we stayed in touch via social media, I hadn’t seen him in 10+ years. This past February, I reached out to him when I was back in my hometown, and we got in touch personally. We would talk on the phone and have very deep conversations and also text each other… I got the feeling that he kind of liked me because he used to say flirtatious things in jest sometimes (“I’m in love with you… You’re a goddess…), but I thought he was just playing or flirting with me. He had been married before, and told me that he had no interest in getting married again, so I didn’t even consider him as a potential eligible mate and thought that, at most, he flirts were just him trying to keep a romantic door open so that maybe he could get in my pants one day.
SO… Fast forward. My friend/teacher recently got appointed as the Presidential Advisor for the country that my mom and dad are from. Yes, he did… When I heard the news, everything changed. You will call me a gold digger, but I want to be honest. When I heard the news, it is like my whole life opened up. My mom is the one who told me the news first, and it’s a long serendipitous story about how she found out. To make a long story short, my mom moved out of the country, and went back to her birth country to take care of her mom (my grandmother). Someone from American asked her to deliver some clothes to a government official when she went overseas. Lo and behold, when my mom delivered the clothes, we found out that the government official was my former teacher and friend, who hadn’t told me jack shit about his election up to that point.
When I heard the news that my friend and former teacher had gotten a position in the government in the country that I had been wanting to do “heal the world” work in, everything became possible in my mind. It seemed like fate. I could see myself partnered with my former teacher and working with him or working for him. I could see a whole other kind of life and it made sense. This vision, that popped into my head so quickly, made sense. Before you judge me, please hear me out. When I heard the news, I saw my life and realized that I am so out of place. When I heard the news of my former coworker getting her film distributed, I am looking at my life and wondering what I have been doing.
Other acquaintances of mine got elected to the government, too, and are in leadership positions that will enable them to effect massive change and progress. Other friends and classmates of mine are making movies and films and getting them distributed in major theaters and moving on with life. And I am sitting in my apartment crying about love and whatever else, not finishing anything, not moving forward in my life.
The interesting thing about my friend the Advisor is that I know him very well. He respects me and thinks I’m brilliant. And standing next to him, I feel like my brilliance is going to waste. I am wasted brilliance, unfocused creativity, and such deep Love unexpressed. Here I am alone in an apartment in LA, just not mattering.
Understand, I don’t have an ego complex. I don’t want to matter and be somebody just so I can say that I matter and I am somebody. It is like I’m supposed to be somebody, understand? There is a difference. There is a reason that most people who meet me give me the nickname of Queen and Goddess and things of that nature. It’s because I’m supposed to do stuff with my life. I was never made to live a regular life, not because I wanted it that way, but just because it’s the way that it is.
And my teeth are chattering as I write this blog, because I am finally realizing that I have spent a great portion of my adult life trying to live a regular life, trying to fit in. I’ve mostly been unaware that this is what I’ve been doing. But in the past few days, I’m realizing that I have stuff to do. It’s not just for me. I have gifts to give, and it’s going to benefit everyone who is affected by me. And I’ve been sitting here acting like I don’t have gold in my veins, acting like my ideas aren’t valuable, acting like my deep Love can’t change the hearts of men, acting like I don’t know shit about spirituality and Truth. My ideas are valuable, my Love can change the hearts of men and breathe life into the world, and I do know so much about Spirituality and Truth.
I have been taking myself for granted. No wonder so many other people have taken me for granted, too. I didn’t realize that I had all this good stuff in me. I just didn’t see it. I have been under a deep spell indeed, but it is being broken and finally, at last, I am waking up. And I feel bad that all this time has passed and so much pain has been given and received, but I am grateful for these recent disappointments that have finally stirred something in my Spirit.
So, about my friend/teacher The Advisor. He got his fancy government position and he and I were in touch while he was out of the country. I’m not sure which came first, but I think they happened at the same time. I had embarked on this trip across the country in the past month or so. I had planned on doing many things, but mainly I had planned on making my relationships absolute. This included seeing and Loving my mother, making amends with my sister whom I had had a rift with, seeing this guy on the East Coast whom I had been flirting with forever, and seeing my Best Friend down south and coming to a place of peace and love with him. On my mission to make my relationships absolute, I realized that there had been an open door with my and my friend the Advisor. I realized this before he told me he was the Advisor. It was like, in my mind, I kind of liked him. I mean, I wasn’t interested in him that much as a man because he wasn’t offering any kind of love and he seemed all closed up and unavailable, but something in my was attracted to him deeply
When I went deep in my heart, I realized that he wasn’t a closed door as far as being a potential husband was concerned. I don’t know why he wasn’t, but he had touched my heart in some kind of way, and I got the feeling that he was much more beautiful than he was letting on. He had gotten burned and jaded by life, though, and I didn’t know if he was a lost cause as far as Love was concerned. So I had a conversation with him. I asked him if he thought he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. By this time, he had become the President’s Advisor, and he thought, since I had never told him that I considered him as a romantic partner before, I was only considering him now because of his position.
If I’m being honest, there is some truth to his supposition. Before becoming the Advisor, he was a bitter professor down south, disappointed in how his life had turned out. He was closed up and although it seemed like his heart was starving for love, he wasn’t willing to let anyone in or do anything about his ol’ broken heart. I couldn’t see myself being married to a bitter person who hated the way his life was and yet was doing nothing about it, and that was also a factor in me not considering him as a mate, even though we had a heart connection. I could see myself married to a guy who is following his dream and stepping into his destiny, and a guy who is in a leadership position of the country I want to help, because that seems directly in line with my life’s mission. Call me what you want. I don’t believe that marriage is only about love. Love must be the foundation, but marriage is also about partnering with someone whom you can both help each other live your soul’s purpose…
So anyway, yesterday my Advisor told me that he’s not going to pursue me romantically, and my heal the world dreams came crashing down. Prior to his decision, we had gotten into an argument. I had called him names. At least I only called him a jerk and didn’t curse at him and call him an asshole, like I was thinking of doing. He had asked me if I was in love with him, and I couldn’t say yes. I know that was the deal breaker. But I couldn’t say yes… As much as I want to be the future president’s wife, I just couldn’t lie about Love. I wasn’t in love. I could probably fall deeply in Love with him, but I wouldn’t let myself, because he hadn’t made a safe space for my heart.
Today I am at home – nobody’s wife, nobody’s filmmaker, nobody’s social change maker, nobody’s entrepreneur, nobody’s moneymaker, nobody’s friend. Just a ball of energy and ideas underutilized. I’m heartbroken about my teacher/the Advisor leaving my life. Maybe I was in love with him after all, but I didn’t want to be. Perhaps that is more true than what I told him (neck roll, “No, I ain’t in love with you – mean, cold jerk”)…
Part of me feels powerless, but I listened to my Feminine Power course last night. The teacher, Claire Zammit, said to ask your inner wisdom about the deeper questions of life. “How Do I Get Through This?” was my question. How do I break through and live this life that I feel I was destined to live? How do I be this person whom I feel I was destined to be? I shouldn’t have called him names, even though I thought them. I’m really really really good at calling people names and calling them out on their deepest flaws that they have hidden and it makes people hate me when I say something about them that they’ve been battling with forever. A part of me wants to call them out, because I know that they need to hear that shit. You need to hear that you’re a jerk, so you’ll stop being delusional and thinking you’re a nice guy and actually start acting like a nice guy instead of acting like a jerk. You need to hear that you’re selfish (that’s what I called my sister before she punched me in the face earlier this year) so that you’ll do better and try and offer an exchange of value to people who are helping you with stuff.
My time management skills and my overcommitting were really affecting some people at one point in time, and finally, one of my sisters told me off and basically called me self-absorbed. Do I see myself as a self-absorbed person? Absolutely not. But for a moment in time, I was behaving that way and not considering how deeply my actions were affecting others… Her telling me off really hurt my feelings, but it also inspired me to change. I don’t feel bad about telling my teacher things I felt I needed to tell him, but I do feel bad about being mean to him and calling him names.
Anyway, this is a long blog. I was trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts and figure out what I’m going to do with my day, and more importantly, what I’m going to do with my life now that I have truly lost any hope of ever being saved by a man.
-That was your problem, my inner voice says. Sitting around waiting for heroes. Nobody’s coming, understand? If you are the Queen, or the goddess, or the leader, then you are the hero. It does not mean you will not have peers. It does not mean you will not have friends. It does not mean you will not have Love and support. It does not even mean that you will not have people to lean on when you need people to lean on. But your relationships will make sense once you make sense of who you are and act in accordance. There will be people whom you can look up to as well. There are people whom you can look up to now. You are not alone and you don’t have to do this all by yourself. But you have to choose to do this or not do this. Make your movie or don’t. Heal the world or don’t. Make inventions or don’t. Create social impact or don’t. I know it doesn’t feel good. I know you are hurting and grieving and losing touch with all you’ve ever known, but isn’t this what you wanted? Didn’t you pray for a whole different experience of life? It means you will not be living life as you’ve known it and you might not be in touch with people as you’ve been in touch with them. Relationships will shift and take their proper dynamics. Now is the time – now. Today. Don’t delay. You have your Feminine Power course supporting you. You have your sister supporting you. You have angels all around you. Believe it. Start taking steps as if all of life is organizing around your success. It is. Start taking steps even if you don’t believe that life is for you and not against you. Your life will show you that God is for you and not against you. I am here with you. I am here with you. Save yourself, baby. You have everything you need in order to have a loving husband, make profound creative works, affect massive social impact, invent miracle products, and be surrounded by fulfilling relationships. It’s all in you. I have given you everything you need.
Now save yourself, baby. It’s what Queens do. Ameen.
Day 503
Save Yourself
