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Hi- What this Blog is About

Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.

I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”

I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.

You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.

So I think it’s best that I write this blog…

Where This Comes From

In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry,  I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.

I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later,  in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.

I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…

We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…

Why This Comes

My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.

It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing.  Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …

Structure

This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections.  It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and  “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.

It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…

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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…

Day 546 – Commitments and Completions

What can I complete today? Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Others look at me and think I’m doing much, but I look within myself and still feel like there is still so much unfinished business.

I won’t write too long here. I suppose I could just go down the list of unfinished business and finish one thing out a day. I’ve been saying that for too long. I don’t know what’s the deal that I sabotage just as I come close to the last step that will break through everything for me.

I’m so close to so many breakthroughs. And I went to sleep yesterday. Froze on some momentum that I was having. On purpose. Because I was scared. When I had my big epiphany, I thought of making a small documentary, and then doing a training for my team where we learned how to harvest cacao and learned how to make chocolate, and I thought about packing up and leaving this hotel and heading off to this place where I had done a yoga retreat… But then I got scared. I got scared of being a woman and being out in this retreat space by myself in this country… Being by yourself here is different than being by yourself in the US…

I wanted my business partner/mom to be here to join me in the cacao harvest and chocolate training, but she won’t be able to travel due to prior commitments and also due to a recent travel ban where she is. And I don’t have any teammates to do the small documentary with. Sure, I could make new friends and teammates and learn to do things by myself here, but I don’t want to.

You know, we have this narrative. People of my race and gender. We have this “Do it all by yourself” narrative. We are proud of it. Proud that we can overcome all manner of obstacle and do things all by ourselves. But we are not happy with it. At least I’m not. I am not happy in the narrative of the singular warrior woman who does everything alone and defeats all odds. It’s no fun for me. Been there done that. What is fun for me is what is fun. Facing challenges with people you care about. Bonding. Overcoming. Celebrating one another and making it all fun as you go along. Seeing ideas become reality. Loving. I know my farm and creative projects are not just for me. They are for the people and the world I’m serving, but I am so over this idea of being a martyr…

I do indeed need to reevaluate everything. Kind of just put my whole used to be identity on the side of the road and ask God what it is now… The good news is, although I have negative feelings and thoughts, I don’t feel overtaken by them these days. This month has been a hell horse.

What I’d like to do now is get back to doing the work. The work I didn’t do before. Like, the stuff. The unfinished business that has been here all along. It looks ugly and hard and sometimes I just go to sleep instead of doing it. I don’t know why. For once, though, I’m going to give up making meaning of this resistance.

Start over. Start again. Celebrate the wins. There have been many wins. Reach out now. It’s time to reach out. I can do it. I know it seems scary. There’s not even much reaching that needs to be done. People are willing. Let me be willing, too. Let me be willing to receive and Trust. Even if I don’t know how stuff is going to happen…

What’s the next step? Make a commitment. Put a stake in the ground. Do it now. Do it now. Do it now. You owe it to yourself. I know it has been hard. I know you feel like a fake. I know you think it’s not possible. I know you don’t always understand and it’s easier to just not face everything and go to sleep or play your life away or do the things that you know you can do, even if they don’t really do anything for your inner goodness. I know. Trust me, I know that all these things that happened to us hurt so bad… I know. I know how frustrating it is to want to be a way or want to do a thing and just not be able to do it, for whatever reason. I know what it is to feel betrayed and unloved and unaccepted and abused and unworthy and not able to be yourself without backlash and judged and etc, etc. All that sh*t. I know.

But what we gonna do about it? We just gonna be sad forever? And beat down and broken and stuck on our beds or stuck in these redundant dysfunctional relationships? We just gonna have all these cool ideas that we never implement on? We just gonna have this “life is hard and then you die” story forever? Baloney. Pure absolute baloney.

You’ve done well, OK? Don’t get down on yourself. You have done so well. You are doing a great job. I know in your culture they teach you that it’s not ok to celebrate. That it will make you weak if you do so. But we are laying all that down today. Your entire identity before this moment. What it means to be a woman and what it means to be your race and your age and to have your past and your ambitions. We are laying it down to the dust and thanking it all for bringing us here to this breakthrough point. And we are committing now. Today. I am committing to Being the Truth of who I am. Even if I don’t know what that means yet. I am committed to finding out. I accept my Strength at last. I accept my Power at last. I accept my Brilliance at last. I accept my Redemption at last.

So all those things? You know what they are. You have the list in your mind. It’s been running for quite some time. Let’s get them done. Just commit to it. Get them all done. So that’s it. One a day. Yep. I said it. I’m committing to it. One a day. One completion a day. Even if it’s a tiny, small task that’s been giving me anxiety for decades… That is my action commitment. So getting offline. Taking my life serious now. I know it’s all been so much bullshit. I know a lot of bad stuff happened. But I’m still here. I’d like a new experience now….

Ameen.

Day 546
Commitments and Completions

Day 545 – Do The Work

I’ve been struggling. Struggling is an understatement. I’ve been unable to write anything for about a month. My grandma died. Just about a month ago…

Everything changed. Just like that. A lot surrounded her death. Extended family issues. She was robbed six days before her death and the security cameras went out. My mom couldn’t come to see her immediately because she had some urgent commitment that she couldn’t get out of. No one knew she was going to die. I thought it might happen. When the security cameras went out. I thought anything might happen when the cameras went out.

I feel guilty. Like I should have done more than I did. Most of my family didn’t think it was urgent for anything to be done, because, why would they? My grandma had family around her and she had people staying with her. And there was another family funeral right on the day that my grandma got robbed. So no one was really pressed to file police reports or set-up a new security camera system. But I felt it. I felt danger and urgency in my Spirit. I did some things. Asked folks to go by the house. I didn’t ask everyone, though. I asked two people. I wanted to ask three, but family doesn’t like the third person I wanted to ask. He’s probably the only one who would have done something, though.

The other two people whom I had asked to check on grandma didn’t go. They didn’t know she was going to die, either. Nobody really thought that my grandma could die. She had just been alive for so long and seemed immovable.

But alas, she’s dead. Her cause of death is unknown. They put “cancer” on her death certificate – she never had cancer… They had their reasons and explanations. Said she died of natural causes.

My mom is heartbroken. Feeling guilty for things she shouldn’t feel guilty for. Our matriarch is gone. It’s all my mom has wanted to do these past two years of her life – take care of her mom.

My grandma and mom were the chords that kept us connected to this heal the world country. With her death, I wasn’t sure if I would continue my endeavors here. I wasn’t sure how she died or what she died of. I’m still not. Her two present children refused to get an autopsy done. I’m curious about her cause of death, but just the thought of investigating her death offends people, so I let those thoughts go… My family decided to at least file a police report against the cook who robbed her, and me and my cousin did that last week. Confessions popped up even before the report was filed.

Anxiety has been on ten. I hide out in a hotel room and eat breakfast with the staff. Men approach me daily, but most are not giving. They are looking to take, bargaining. Seeing massive opportunity. Love is not a thought. A sweet, young guy who is interested in giving comes to mind. I just messaged him. That would be a real trip. If I married a youngin’ almost half my age who has never been out of this heal the world country and has no clue about the western life… He’s nice and he likes books. Cut from a different cloth. Interested in integrity, but in this society, I’m a privileged girl…

It’s quite interesting, actually, to be privileged. You think differently. I’m not privileged in America. I’m the opposite. Pressed down upon. Just thinking of survival. But here, I’m rich. I stay in hotels where the president’s possee stay. I interface with ambassadors and honorable this’s and excellency that’s and celebrities. My grandma has a big ol’ house in the neighborhood where the governor lives. I drive a car, which is a big deal for anyone here, much less a woman. I spend two weeks’ worth of the average person’s salary on a single meal. It’s cheap by American standards. Actually, not so cheap, but average. About $15. But that’s about two weeks worth of pay for someone here. It’s quite interesting. It’s like those rich people in America who will spend about $500 on a meal. That’s the equivalent. Or maybe even more… I don’t actually have a bunch of money in my bank account, but when I conceive of a project or a mission here, I’ve been able to tell colleagues, family, acquaintances, investors about it, and they believe in the project’s potential, and they’ve been willing to sponsor me so that I can get things done and not have to suffer too much while doing it… I recognize that the people who live like this in America are the extremely privileged. They are able to sit down in their day and think about what they want to do with their lives… I could complain about so much all day long, and believe you me I’m about to do some complaining, but I also must acknowledge the massive good that is my life. I have sisters and brothers and other family members who love me daily.

I’ve lost my best friend and other friendships this year, and my “withs” have all together disappeared, and that saddens me so much, but I’ve also had friends and support from places I never imagined.

So there is much going on in my mind. I’ve felt afraid to face it all. Somehow I face it all when I write here. I had this big vision this morning about this fantastic new year I was going to have, but when I said the vision out loud, it disappeared and doubt and fear replaced it.

I don’t know what to do about my extended family. It’s all a big mess. There is no one to lead. My mom is heartbroken. So many are heartbroken and trust is nowhere to be found. My mom was the leader. I would be the one to take up what she left behind, if anyone was to take it up. But I don’t feel particularly fit or able or interested to be honest. There’s just so much trauma and drama and danger and hurt. I don’t even know where to begin with it all.

Then there’s my business and the creative things that I endeavor to do in the world. Not sure if any of it makes sense any more. A part of me thinks, “Who cares”. It has been the bane of my existence. This super deep thinking. Someone told me that I think too much.

I want to find my place in the world. Sometimes I feel like I know it, but when I say it out loud, it just sounds so ludicrous that I won’t say it.

I would be lying if I said that I cared about healing the world or even healing myself or being famous or having a bunch of money. I know I’m supposed to say I care about all those things, but at the moment, I really don’t. I wish I had some friends to bond with. I wish we could just hash it out, every single thing, and get over everything until there was really nothing but Love and goodwill between us. I wish there was nothing that they wanted from me that I wasn’t giving and there was nothing that I wanted from them that they weren’t giving. Friends. Family. A Lover. I wish I could forgive and feel good. I wish all my thinking so much would lead to something. I wish there were people who understood me for real. Like, for real for real. I wish I could hug somebody for days and days and days and they would hug me back for days and days and days and not go anywhere and just love me while they can.

I’m glad I finally got to a good place with my mom. We finally are good with each other for real. I feel the deep Love. And it’s getting there with other family members. Not so much with friends. Still not clean energy with everyone.

God told me to come back to the world today. I know it sounds weird to say God told me anything. It’s all make believe. This whole world. It’s just a bunch of stories and agreements that we have. We make it up. These systems. These cultures. The system that says God controls stuff. The system that says there is no God. We find ways to make sense of so much that we don’t understand. Some things can be proven. There are some one plus one science stuff that helps…

I digressed again, researching the science behind vitamins. I’m gonna finish this posting, because it’s been at least a month since I’ve finished writing anything… A part of me feels absolutely terrified to face the world. A part of me feels so, so alone and unable. A part of me believes that I need a person, a “with”, someone to come home to to make any movement. A part of me just wants to be held and let someone else do this life stuff for me. A. part of me doesn’t want to stop crying every day – ‘cus I ain’t stopped crying yet. A part of me is uncertain about everything and feels sorry for myself. With all this potential, how did I end up like this, with so much sadness in my mind? When does it get better? Will I ever just be ok inside? Like OK OK? All the way OK? Who is OK? Is anyone OK OK???? Or are we just masking things and coping?

A part of me misses the days when I was too naive to notice the shitty shit I was living through. I was OK then. I just had no idea about how bad off some things were and it was fine with me. I laughed and smiled from my heart and I didn’t hate anyone. And I wasn’t mad at anyone, except my brother, who had betrayed and abandoned me.

So how do we move through this, Allah? How do I get out of this room and into the world? How do I be safe in the world? What if no one ever comes to save me and hold me? How do I get over whatever else is in me that is so lonely and sad?

The answer that comes in, that has come in for so long, is that I’m going to have to do the work. Just do it. Oh, it hurts to even write that. Like, for real. My whole body swells up with anxiety. But it has to get done… I just started taking action – I booked a room in a new lodging tomorrow – and all mu visions turned to ash. My body froze up.

I’m wondering if I should finish writing this blog or book a ticket to my safe place (prison) in LA ASAP… God says I have to evolve. There’s no way out or around it. I have to evolve. Should I finish this blog or run somewhere? I have to evolve. My head literally hurts. Things stuck in my throat. Overload on the shoulders. Wonder if it’s demons. There’s no hot water where I’m going. Maybe it’s the wrong choice. No room for doubt. Lord, give me a clear answer.

DO THE WORK yells loudly in my soul. Don’t talk to sh*t f*ck else person till you do the work. This is not a punishment. It is training. It is discipline at last. Do the God d*mn work. It doesn’t always feel good. You’ve known the answer for quite some time. You know what to do and you will be ok when you do it. It won’t feel good at first because it’s different. Let. That. Shit. Go.

Stop procrastinating by writing. Do the work. Now. Offline you go. Toodles.

I Love you… Mwa.

Day 545
Do The Work

Day 544 – Acceptance

Y’all. I’m procrastinating. Well, not all the way procrastinating. Somewhat. Yeah, procrastinating. If I take one more step, this will all be over. It’s already over. I’ve been trying to hide from my destiny, but it keeps finding me. I asked for it, but I don’t know how to have it. Except that’s not true. That’s just what I’m used to saying.

I do know how to have it. I’m having it now. Nobody has liked my recent posts… Can I tell you what has happened? So much has happened. So much always happens. First, I’ll start with today. I have a profile on a dating app. This year has been the shits with dating. I have literally had three proposals this year, which isn’t bad. But two of them pulled out and left me high and dry. My year started off fighting one guy that I thought I was going to marry. We were fighting bc he was visiting Cali for the first time, visiting me, and he didn’t want to go to a New Year’s party with me. He didn’t want to do much with me at all. Just wanted to sit at home all day and talk to his friends on the phone. So, yeah, that was that. We were talking about getting married, even got a marriage license, but he pulled out after all our fights.

Then, I got whisked away by family. My little sister came into town with her son and shook up the limbo that me and my then roommate were in. Made me realize that the life I was living just wasn’t the answer. I ended up starting off the quarantine single-mother babysitting my nephew for a while, and my nephew is so lovely. I Loved taking care of him and teaching him stuff. I fell in Love with the idea of being a mother. Had never cared much about mothering before. Priorities shifted. Hung out with sis for a while babysitting and had some harsh realizations about our dynamic. Still processing it all, but left heartbroken.

Came back to LA. Didn’t feel welcome at brother’s place. He didn’t say I wasn’t welcome. I just didn’t feel welcome. He frowns and tightens up when I come around. I was in the sunken place and couldn’t handle anything much less than blatantly knowing I’m wanted and loved. I went to my apartment. Sunk more. Didn’t realize that I was actually taking some skin meds whose side effects were “potential suicide and depression”. The side effects were hitting me hard and I ate ice cream every day and cried on the bed for about two and half months straight.

Finally, when my brain just couldn’t get my feet to move off the bed, I thought that maybe I was going crazy and needed to see a doctor. I looked at the meds I was taking. Reread the side effects. Stopped taking them. My brain relaxed a bit. During that time, George Floyd was murdered. The world was in a state of unrest. We were ordered to stay at home. I had already broken up with most of the people I was living life with six months earlier, and I broke up with the last one that month. A friend who also frowns at me more than smiles. I was on my way to see him, wanted to support him at his business, but I didn’t know where he was located. I called him but he didn’t answer. I messaged him asking for the address but he didn’t respond. I was scared, out on these rioting streets. My brain wasn’t working quite right and I had to really breathe hard and concentrate to make sure I was driving ok. Finally, my friend reached out to me and gave me the address. He said he was busy and I should have gotten the address earlier or looked it up online. He saw my message but didn’t respond out of spite. I should have been more responsible, he said. There was no excuse.

It was just a bit too mean for me at the moment. Broke my heart, actually.

And so, broken-hearted I have been. Wounded. I lost interest in frowns. Frankly, I couldn’t bear them anymore. And so I locked myself up in these walls because I just couldn’t see anywhere in the world that was emotionally safe for me. Maybe it was all my fault, but I didn’t know how to fix anything and didn’t have the energy to fix it even if I knew. I just didn’t want anyone to hurt me anymore.

I met a guy. He was cute and sexy. But I was fat now, since I’d been eating ice cream and crying every day for about three months straight. And I was kind of raggedy. My clothes were raggedy. My legs weren’t shaved. My nails weren’t done. He liked me at first, but then he didn’t. He wouldn’t tell me why. I really think it’s because he saw some fat rolls on my back. I forgot that I had fat rolls, and also that there are people who don’t like fat rolls, and I went on a hike with him with my back out, some short pants that showed the bottom of my hairy legs and some raggedy shoes. I couldn’t hold my pee bc my nerves were shot at the moment and I was acting a fool so we could get to the bathroom. He ended the date early. Then I touched him on the back with Love and he froze up. Called the next day and said we should just be friends bc he overestimated our chemistry, but don’t touch him anymore because my hands were magic and he wanted us to be platonic friends. So basically, he didn’t want to date a fat, depressed girl and said we had not enough chemistry and too much chemistry. I was sad bc I was really attracted to him. It was really easy for me to just like the way he moved…

Blah blah blah. A bipolar guy liked me then acted bipolar when I didn’t immediately respond how he wanted. A guy that I met six years ago and lost touch with resurfaced and we met up down South. He was a perfect catch for me. Single, age appropriate, handsome, tall, no kids, owned a house, worked as a social worker, stable secure life… He wanted me to marry him. Move in first or marry first, whatever I wanted. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt like a man had actually chosen me. He had chosen me. I could feel it. There were no hangups. No secret lovers anywhere. No doubts in his mind. I could feel it.

By the time I had met him, though, I had been working with a life coach for about a month. I reached out to her because my life was not what I wanted it to be and I didn’t even know where to start anymore. I had tried doing stuff on my own, but it wasn’t working. My support systems had fallen apart and I wasn’t interested in rebuilding them as they were before. This life coach had suggested that I be selfish. I know some people already think I’m selfish enough, but she told me to be even more selfish. Consider myself. Consider what I like. Consider what’s good for me before I make decisions. So, this guy was great, but he wasn’t good for me. He didn’t frown at me, but he never seemed to really be listening whenever I’d talk. He’d cut me off. He’d belittle my efforts subtly, calling my amazing farm in Africa, the most challenging thing I’d ever done, some “little plants”. He was really concerned about me letting him lead, and I realized I didn’t really trust his leadership and didn’t want to follow him.

I mean, why would a woman want to follow a man who has shown no interest in understanding or respecting her needs and/or wants. He ain’t leading me anywhere I want to go, because he doesn’t even respect or know about where I want to go. So that was that. I declined his proposal and the next day I met another guy.

Within a week, new guy was at my place visiting him. I thought he could have been the one. His energy was electric. But then we fought. More leadership stuff. Wanted me to shut up and do what he said and also wanted to belittle any and of all of my views that weren’t aligned with his. It didn’t work. We disagreed. He left… I’m writing too long, but I’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while. There’s nothing like writing it for me, really. This is my super therapy.

Which brings me to today. My Electric man had really hurt my feelings by leaving. I wanted him to stay. I wanted us to talk and talk through our issues and get to the other side of a thing… But he left. A little over a month ago. My life coach told me to make a choice: Choose to be lit or unlit in life. Stop waffling. Either choose to do stuff that don’t light me up for whatever reason, or choose to gravitate towards and make choices that light me up… It was hard, because there was very little in my life that lit me up at the time. Nothing, to be quite honest. But I chose to be lit, and then I had to look at how dim my life really was. I cried a lot. I’m crying still…

I ran out of money and stopped seeing my life coach, but I had also had a success coach that helps me with business stuff. So I kept doing my business stuff. And, business stuff moved forward. My mom and sis came in town. I hadn’t seen either of them in almost a year. I faced our issues. Resolved many. I can’t even say I resolved them. God did. But I did put in some work in setting good intentions and being cognizant of my projections and doing my best to communicate with Love. I became aware of the issues with me and my brother, and finally this. This is what this blog is about. This is why I started off by saying that no one had liked my posts and why I’m just overflowed right now.

I realized that it could quite possibly be that my brother doesn’t like me. Stay with me. Maybe he does. But maybe he doesn’t. What if? Right? What if he doesn’t? What if there’s just no way that I could be the fullness of myself and my brother would like me? What if he just doesn’t like women who laugh loud? It’s against his religion? Or what if my smells and my sage and incense and whatever else just offend him? What if he always thinks I’m a potential hell monger because my ideology is not his and so he’s not allowed to listen to me, lest I lead him astray? I mean, what if this is just the way it is? What if I just don’t fit in all the way with the fam? What if mom will never accept my lifestyle or religion? What if bro always frowns at me? What if sisters always have an expectation that I can’t meet? What if friends just won’t allow for me not to be ok? Or won’t allow for me to be too ok?

Would I keep going on doing this and that, not doing this and that, showing this and that, not showing this and that, looking for approval? It wasn’t working anyway. Nobody was approving of me anyway. So – and this was just a few days ago, after my brother said I was bringing spider’s to his house because of my body lotion – I decided to stop living for other’s approval. Soften my hands. This is what came to me. Soften my hands. Be aware of the ways I show up. Start approving of myself. I didn’t get it all right. I got some things really wrong. Forgive myself already. I tried. I could stop beating myself up now. I tried. Even in the places I didn’t try, in the places that were intentionally mean, just forgive myself. See if I could look at all the dark places. Could I Love them? Even if nobody liked my blog, could I write it anyway? Tell the truth anyway.

Don’t worry about saving the world or lighting up the world, You say. I was born to be a light-bulb. A transformer. A transmuter and transmitter, like everyone else. Once the light is circulating within me, unimpeded, all of my relations will know. Life takes on a new flavor.

Yesterday, I made an online dating ad. I just told the truth about what I really wanted and what I had to offer. I didn’t even have my picture on the ad. Just had the picture of the back of my bald head. When I tell you that the finest, flyest men I done ever met have responded to that ad???? Ahimsa: absence of injury.

So today, a super-fly, fine man responded to my ad. He wrote: “The power of words… Reading your words… made me like you even though I have no idea what you look like”.

“The power of words” stuck with me. He didn’t know I am a writer. I never really thought of the idea that words could be powerful, especially mine. I hear the energy of my dead dad telling me to move on now. I feel Matsemala telling me that I can move on now. I passed the test. I learned to soften my hands and soften my mind… Use the power of my words now. Own it. Accept it. Make a definite and firm decision to be lit. Accept being lit. Be OK With Being OK. Accept goodness. Accept that you are good. Even with all the shit you’ve done and all that has happened. I forgive you. You didn’t know. You were just trying to get by. I forgive you. And I accept you. Accept you, now. And Thrive.

Ameen.

Day 544
Acceptance

Day 543 – The BreakThrough (Following Through)

Hey y’all. So this is a little different. I got a new computer that is totally awesome and needed, but I don’t quite know how to use it all the way yet. It doesn’t have a jump drive outlet and I don’t even know how to scroll down on this thing and need to figure out how to plug in my keyboard and mouse to it. I’m sure there’s some fancy new jump drive accessory that I need.

WordPress has changes its formatting and I’m learning how to do all the new stuff. I’m behind on a lot of stuff. I set the schedule, so I don’t know why I’m so behind, but I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to keep up.

That’s what I want to write about. It’s a thing. I know what to do, but somehow I can’t just seem to do the things I know to do when I’m supposed to do them. Some would say trauma. The shadow of the hawk syndrome. I’m going to give myself massive credit. I finished a script rewrite that I’d been wanting to do FOR YEARS and submitted it to someone. I got rejected, but that’s not the point. The point is, I finished it. I went through the entire process. It felt good to finish. I had so much massive resistance leading up to it.

I registered social media websites for my business, applied for two grants – one artist grant and one business grant, and got an amazing mentor for my Africa business. He’s so super amazing. I know that it is all possible.

Here’s the thing. I know that it is all possible. I am not one of those people who doubts if all the things I wish to do with my life are possible. I know that they are all possible and even very probable for me. It is not out of reach for me to sell a project (or 8) and make a bunch of money off of them. It is not out of reach for my Africa project to be wildly successful and for me to make a bunch of money from it and help more people than I can even currently imagine learn how to create sustainable income so that they can have time and space to thrive. It is not even out of reach for me to Love someone and have him Love me and us have a family together. It’s not out of reach for me to mend relationships with friends and family and even create new and better relationships.

I know what to do. I’m gifted like that. I usually know what to do. But I don’t do it. I do everything except what I know to do. And when I start doing what I’m supposed to do, I get panic attacks and anxiety and feel all these heavy emotions, mostly guilt and shame for having taken so long, and sometimes I follow through, and sometimes I don’t.

Spirit tells me not to get too hard on myself. I don’t know what I want to write about today. I’ve been wanting to post for a week or so and just now getting around to it. My emotions are heavy. My heart is heavy. Like I want to cry but can’t. I want to let go of the heaviness here, but having a hard time.

I am tired of my life as is, but haven’t been able to change it in the ways that matter to me, and I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been able to change it in the ways that matter to me. You say give myself some credit. I’m not dating abusive men who don’t do anything for me any more. That’s major lifetime life pattern progress. Sure, then. I will talk about the things I’m doing where I’m already living my dreams.

Let’s see about the inside stuff. I’m not so depressed anymore, although you can’t tell. I used to be surrounded by quicksand. It just felt like constant heaviness and constant drowning and confusion. Now I am out of the quicksand. I am not drowning or feeling like emotions or forces outside of me have such a hold on me that I can’t overcome. I know that there is only so much I can control, but there is also much that I can control. That is progress. Before, I didn’t understand that there are things I can control even if I am in quicksand. I used to shirk my power. I was disgusted by the very word. Now, I won’t say that I fully embrace my power, but I at least am willing to consider the notion that power is necessary.

I am standing outside of the quicksand now, processing everything that has gone before, and wanting to figure out how to move forward and who to move forward with.

“With” has been the word in my consciousness for some months now. Find my “with”. But I haven’t found it. But maybe I have. Let me give credit where credit is due. I found a success coach who I touch bases with five days a week. She Loves me to death. I feel the energy of Love. I Love her, too. She helps keep me accountable for making progress in my career life, and I have made more progress in the two months that I’ve been working with her than I’ve made in a whole year combined. I finished a script edit that I’ve been working on for years. I finished a business plan that I’d been putting off for two years. I finished a marketing plan that I’d also been putting off. I registered four social media sites for my business. I followed through on getting some phones fixed so that I could get info I needed for the business. I got an awesome mentor who is helping me take next step. I applied for two grants and started thinking about money. I stopped shirking money and the very real possibility that I could make enough money to thrive and never have to worry about money again and still do exactly what I want to do with my life crossed my mind. A life by design crossed my mind.

I had and have a deep feeling that it’s not fair. Somewhere in me, I have carried this deep thing that it’s not fair to have an awesome life. It’s not fair to be rich or pretty or loved or liked or successful. It was fair for other people, but not fair for me. I always wanted to bend down, to be lower, to not stand out, to fit in with wherever I was. It was not ok for me to have a big ol’ house or a family or an awesome career that I Loved or be rich while others were suffering… I have carried so many nonsense bullshit beliefs with me over the years…

Truth be told, everyone has what they are here to do with this life. I know I am going all over the place in this blog. Thanks for reading. Somehow, this blog is the only place that I can explore my inner world and actually get to some understanding that I can take action from.

So much has happened. So much always happened. I’ve felt stuck, but really I’ve been making progress. I’d like to be making progress and feel like I’m making progress. Feel good about it. Not feel guilty about it. Have fun with it. I got my heart broken. Again. I’m sad about it, but strangely excited about the fact that my heart still works and I can still Love and I had an experience of Bliss and synchronicity and partnership with a really smart man – a leader – and it was better than anything I could have experienced on my own.

So, I’m feeling heartbroken, but today, hopeful. Today, I came to my alma mater to work. I don’t know why I haven’t come here during this whole quarantine time. Other people are here. This energy is a hopeful energy. It’s real. Like, people who go to this school get out into the world and live dream lives. They have enough money. They have careers that they love and spend time learning and cultivating their passions and talents and interests. They have families and healthy dynamics and support systems and they have the words to articulate what all these things mean. And so when I’m here, looking around at all the students putting in time to get work done well, I am inspired. I am truly inspired. I’m one of them. I graduated from this school. This is what identity can do for you.

I’m supposed to have a good life. I don’t know how I came from where I came from, from statistics where no one is supposed to have a good life, and I have the audacity to sit here at USC saying I’m supposed to have a good life, but I am. I am. This is the mantra that I’m going to embody this week. There are a million things that I’m supposed to finish this week. I could finish them. I could finish them all this week. I could really finish off every single thing that I need to do to push my life forward this week. I could call it a wrap on this part of my life. I really could just say, “I’m done. I’m done this week. Not a whole month. Not a whole year. Not nine years.” We’ve been at this for years. We’ve been at this for lifetimes. Thought of being done, just being completely done with this part of my life gives me a bit of anxiety, but the thought of being a lonely woman with all kinds of depression and health issues and dysfunctional relationships and living in that apartment by myself and not ever having good, safe sax or having babies or finishing up on any of the dreams that really matter to me is just not acceptable.

This is hard. Even the thought of breaking through to a totally different type of life experience is very much daunting. I don’t want to do it by myself. Can I be honest? I don’t want to do this by myself. I have tried to do this “with” others, but haven’t found anything that will gel, where mutual goodwill resounds. Sure, I’ll take the blame, but that doesn’t help anything, because I still haven’t learned how to sustain these healthy relationships. I end up feeling wronged by the other party and usually feel like I’m carrying the momentum forward on my own with no support. And the other parties end up resenting me or being jealous of me for one reason or the other, usually reasons that they are never willing to articulate, but it generally revolves around me maybe breathing wrong or laughing too loud or expressing hurt after I feel hurt…

I have created a culture of my needs not being important, but others will say that I have created a culture of my needs being too important, for if I need anything, it is viewed as too much. I have created expectations that I am the life force to feed others, not one to be fed unless I am dying. It’s OK. It’s fine. I’m not so sad about everything in this moment. Resigned. I give up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix all my relationships. I don’t necessarily want to fix them all or be in certain dynamics anymore.

But I am wondering if I would dare open up my mouth and make a definite and firm decision to follow through on my deepest knowings this week. Yes, this week. This very week. This very Blessed week. I know that if I would follow through on your direction, God, I would be free. I would break through. Why, now, does the idea of being free and breaking through terrify me so?

I have been used to this life here. I know the pitfalls. I’ve learned to manage them. I’ve created a whole identity here in my sad life. I guess we don’t break through because we don’t know what it would be like. Would it work? Would it be like my most recent heartbreak? I experience a Bliss better than I can imagine and then lose it? We would rather not face the disappointment of really going for it, having it for a bit, and then losing it. We have experienced so much pain and disappointment already that we don’t really believe that God gives a shit about us, if we even believe there is a God.

And so we put effort into what we think we can control. It’s not the answer for me. The stuff I can control is all a bunch of shit to me. I don’t care about it.
Everything I care about will require shifting and changing and transmuting and transforming and releasing control. Am I going to do it, Allah? Is there any foundation I can base this whole new everything upon? I’m supposed to have a good life. I look around at this University. So many moving parts. Somebody visioned a university. And they got a team together. And they had departments and systems so manage so many moving parts. And they figured out how to get money and circulate it among these moving parts. I think my destiny is somewhere here. I won’t live to see the manifestation of it all. But to find out what needs to be healed. I have to do it within myself or I can’t lead anyone. But I surely know about the darkness. I surely know how to gentle with the darkness. I surely know that meanness and unforgiveness and a closed heart only begets sickness and a siphoned off flow of life…

Also, in my dreams come true world, I have a life coach. She’s been helping me break through in my life as well. My life coach has been helping me get my personal life in order. I will say that I don’t hate so many people anymore. The bitterness that had started building in me for the first time a year ago has been healing and subsiding and my energy field is starting to be free again because of the work I’ve been doing with her. My assignment for my last session with her was to choose to be lit or unlit in all ways in life. What goes along with that is to let go of what others think of you. I worry about this big time. My family especially. I worry about what they will think of me. Will they like me? Hate me? Call me bad? Judge me? If I truly just did everything I wanted to do with my life, would they accept me?

Could I, Allah, stop worrying about all those things? Would You forgive me if I made mistakes or if I was weak sometimes or if I fell short on the things I wanted to do or be? Do I get any more chances to mess up? Would my heart be hurt and pulverized again if I let myself be vulnerable? Would anybody like me for real? Even if I was super awesome? Like, if I was just that awesome, for real, would anybody like me? Or if I had flaws? Would I be judged so harshly like I’ve experienced?

K, this blog hasn’t really gone anywhere, but it has allowed me to voice my thoughts and concerns for this part of my life.

I do believe that a choice must be made. Somewhere earlier I postured that I could move on, break through, finish up on all the things God has put before me by the end of this week. I absolutely can. But do I choose to? It feels fake and my whole back, shoulders and chest hurt as I think of making this choice. Do I choose to give my all this week? Like my full 100%? For my very own self? With or without a man? With or without healthy relationships? With or without anyone’s approval? Do I choose to approve of my own self anyway and champion myself for the first time in my life? And call myself good even if I don’t believe it? Do I choose to make use of all the gifts and magic that I’ve been Blessed with for the upliftment of my very own life? And reach out to the people whom God has inspired me to reach out to? Just face it. Face it. Face them. Face it. Face my own Brilliance and even the darkness.

God, you have inspired me with many instructive that I’ve yet to follow through on. I’ve been afraid of so much. But today, I’m just going to follow through. Fear or no fear, I’m going to follow through. Yes. Yes. Today. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through on every single Blessed thing you have told me to follow through on from the past. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through on every single Blessed gift you have given me to follow through on. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through. I choose to follow through on your instruction. Forget about how to pin a man down and just do the work of accepting into my energy field a good life. Call the people you told me to call. Sort the papers you told me sort. Organize the binders you told me organize. Rewrite what you told me to. Post what you told me to. Talk to who you told me to talk to. Get my ass ready to get on this monumental spaceship debt free, open, healed and cleared of all this karmic residue. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I am willing to stand up and show up for my breakthrough. Yes. Not just in words. Not just in an inspirational blog. Even if it hurts. Even if it’s uncomfortable. In action. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I choose to listen to my inner knowing and take action.

Any my inner knowing says to finish putting in a grant today. Every day we will finish one past due thing. At least one thing that we can finish completely, and more if there is time and energy. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I choose to embrace my breakthrough into a different experience and expression of life. I choose to be different. Sit with my head up. Learn what it is to have a posture of humility, ease, grace and also embody my own power. Open my heart and embody those things I wish to experience, because really, it is those qualities that are seeking to be expressed through me. Kindness, goodwill, patience, forgiveness, seeing the good in others, allowing others to radiate in my presence, accepting someone just as they are even if they are not expressing the best of themselves. Loving and forgiving anyway. Not harboring resentment. Yes, these are Super Being qualities, and I am a Super Being. Everyone is. It’s just a choice.

And so, for the next seven days, God, I am going to practice following through. On every Blessed thing you have told me to do. This is my commitment to myself. This is my commitment to the world. Of course, all of my work is just a contribution to the world and the world to be, but let it be a contribution to myself, too. Let it be enjoyable, not daunting. YES. HERE IS THE ANSWER. Let it be fun. Lean into it. Let it be amazing. Let yourself Love it. Let yourself Love you. It’s a practice. It will feel unnatural at first because you are not used to it, but little step by little step, you can get used to it. Don’t worry about people calling you selfish. Don’t worry about people guilting you for not focusing your life on them. You know you are not selfish and most of your life up until now has been focused on everyone’s upliftment but your own. You can not help them with your back bent. You can not help them without your joy. You can not help them without being aligned with your purpose and power. Not with the thriving part of life, and we are beyond survival now.

And so my Blessed One, shall we begin again? One more time. Commitment. Your life is supposed to be good. This week. Every single day, follow through with one thing – it can be big or small, but the objective is to complete it all the way. Complete one past due thing all the way. Every single day. Write it down on your work log. Yep. Because we are going to measure how drastically your life is going to change and how much time you put into all things. So write it down. And do it. Let’s get started now. Grant is a big deal for years. Complete that today and start on absolutely Love rewrite of script and get help with apartment clean-up stuff and some spending money from a new roommate. And give that computer thing to C. Ready?

I am serious. We are completing these things today. We must. Ready? Yes, you are ready. I will help you. Calm your nerves. I Love you. Just keep saying it. God is for me and not against me. Just keep saying it. Allow something more than you to be with you, even if you don’t believe it. Allow for things to be easier than you believe they can be.

Ready, set, go!!!!

Ameen.

Day 543
The BreakThrough (Following Through)

Day 542 – Ease

They have a new thing going on with WordPress. Had to switch back to the classic editor cus I ain’t ready for all that.

I just wanted to touch bases with the world. This is my healing. My balancing. My centering. My dance. My gratitude. The roller coaster ride of my life is becoming a river, an easy stream. I am learning to relax into it instead of flailing around with fear. I am learning to surrender and be with ease.

I ate dinner with a friend last night. My People. A giant of a man. A kind, brilliant soul. He is my friend. He has never hurt me and serves as a reference point on how things can be with people. Easy. There can be trust. There can be a deep understanding of mutual goodwill and harmlessness.

I brought him some food. We prayed together and he spoke about the harvest and the harvest moon. Then we went outside in his backyard – there is a lemon tree there – and sat under the moon. We talked about life, just chatted it up. I was myself and safe and so easy. I was having such a good time with him. He hugged me. His hug is electric. Can’t hug too long or it will turn to sex and we have only ever been platonic friends. He is a magician of the best kind, transmuting through Love.

And this morning I am thinking about ease. I am thinking about being easy and loving and forgiving, as a way of life. I am thinking of joy as a way of life. I am grateful that I made it to this day, a day in my life where I can believe that it is possible for joy and Love and Ease to be foundations of my very being. I am grateful that fear is easing its grasp on me and I am becoming better. More kind. Some people can’t tell, but I know. I have a million gifts to give the world. I want to write poems. I want to hug someone and Love someone. I want to help people get out of these deep, deep, ugly feelings that usurp our lives and have us living like zombies for so long. Mostly, I want to laugh again and live with ease.

I’m excited. I have shirked my own power and responsibility for my life for so long. I’ve had my reasons… but I think you need to take all of you on these journeys, even the best of you. We are always focused on loving the worst of us and coddling our pains. But the best of us is important, too. The good things. My friend judges me all the time. Not the one I just wrote about. My Earth Guardian friend. He reads my blogs so he can judge me and call me self righteous. So I’m a bit self-conscious as I’m writing, so as not to sound self-righteous.

Life, thank you for this day. Thank you for this moment of interest in ease, joy, and good will. Oh, and especially Love and forgiveness. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ameen.

Day 542
Ease

Day 541 – Dear Eleven (Absolutely Love) (Grown-up Stuff)

You are hurt. Feeling rejected. Back to eleven again. Everything happened at eleven. I have been reliving eleven over and over and over. And now here I sit, crouched in a corner, rejected again. Mad at my grown up self. Why didn’t I make life better for me? Eleven year-old me thought I would get her out of this. All this hurt and rejection over and over and over. All this not having what I really want over and over and over.

Lucy passed on the script. Said she only works on things that she “absolutely loves”. And I understand. And she gave me a gift in her words. I didn’t absolutely love my script before I sent it out. I kind of liked it. It was good enough. Now I will work on it till I absolutely love.

My Eleven, I’m sorry. All these years, I didn’t know I had grown up. I didn’t know I had the power to take you out of this curled up ball, always rejected, always hurt. I’m sorry I didn’t make life for you any better than then. Please forgive me. I have tried. I have really tried. I have been going in circles and bigger circles and bigger circles and most of us do. Most of us don’t break out of our traumas in one go round. I need to forgive me, please. I’m sorry I didn’t take such good care of you. I’m sorry I didn’t heal your wounds. I’m sorry I didn’t find you places and spaces where you could play and be safe and thrive and I set you up over and over again to just barely be good enough.

I’m sorry I didn’t work on that script till I absolutely Loved it… Grown ups don’t always know that we have grown up. I didn’t see how hurt you were. I was busy running for so long. I was trying to survive. I was just doing things to do them. My baby, I was not that smart like they thought I was. I was stupid. I hate to use that word, but I was. Yes, grown-ups can be stupid. Most of us are. But we are smart, too, sometimes. We keep you alive as long as we can. Forgive us. Please forgive me. Please forgive me for taking so long to see so much.

How can I ease this pain of rejection for us? How can I heal all of these wounds poking the same spots over and over? How can I make it up to you? How can I restore all these years that the locusts have eaten? There are stories in holy books of redemption. Is my time too late?

You rail and say NO! Can I tell you something about adults? There are those of us who don’t grow up. There are those of us who don’t even know we have wounds, much less knowing how to heal them. We try to build mountains on piles of maggots, so far detached from the deepest hurts that we don’t see why we can’t thrive. I know it is nothing to look forward to, but I want to tell you something. Today I learned something. We need your help. I need your help.

You know. You, my resilient young eleven, know how to love. I know you know. I have forgotten. I need you to remind me, please. I know you think you are too little and you can’t do anything, but, oh, your smile! It brings life. I will keep it safe. I will keep your innocence safe this time. Please forgive me. This rejection hit a wound. But it hit a wound because a wound was there with you, my eleven, crouched up in a ball always feeling rejected.

We can work together now at last. I will bring you band-aids and medicine and sing to you. I don’t care if the whole world talks about you and calls you names and only sees the curled up ball you have become. I will look for your smile and when you show it to me, I will keep it safe at last. I know how. I will find safe spaces and places for you, even if folks call me crazy. And if meanies come around, I will scare them off for you. And I will use my grown-up powers to tap into more than me to keep us both safe, so I don’t have to spend so much time fighting and running and we can play at last.

I will start to do things in ways that I absolutely Love. It might make me different or weird. I’ve always been afraid of being different or weird. I know, it’s not a grown-up way to be. That’s what eleven-year-olds do. But I’ve been afraid all these years and have kept you in spaces and places where we fit in with whatever we started with in this life. But my baby, I want to tell you something that might be scary. We were not born to fit in with this. No. We were born to be heroes. Did you know that? I’ve been keeping it a secret, even from myself, but it’s been hurting us so bad, trying to be things we aren’t, and trying to live in a way we’re not supposed to.

I know, you never thought you were a hero, but somewhere deep deep deep deep deep deep down, you knew… To Be Special, Different, Lucky, any of that was a bad thing and so we tried so hard to push away anything that would make us be that. But still people hated us. For being that. For not being that. So it didn’t work, you see?

What am I saying? I’m saying that I’m going to be a grown-up now. Yep. You stay around with your smile and your love and your innocence. Oh, and your friskiness. I Love your friskiness so much! I now know that I’m eleven, but no longer eleven, and I can get out into the world and find us medicine. I can nurture us and nourish us. I can create things and do things in a way that we absolutely Love! I can turn in projects that we absolutely Love! I can make them that good to a point that I absolutely Love them!

I can absolutely Love you and me, even now. Even as we’re feeling rejected and even though we didn’t do so many things and be so many things that we wanted to do and be by now. I hear you cheering for me and saying I can still do it. I hear you pushing me and smiling at me and saying that I have done so much, that I am worth something, even right now. I hear you thanking me for looking at you finally. You forgive me already? You believe in me. You are celebrating me… I am celebrating you. And do you know what I will do for you? I will be a grown-up. I will get up. I will use all my grown-up tools that I’ve learned all this time – I’m not perfect, but I have learned some things about healing and cooking and I know places we can go to play and, I’ve never done it before, but I have an idea of a house we could live in that smells good, and even if I don’t feel like cleaning, I know how to make money so that we can find someone to clean for us and pay them.

I’m not gonna be perfect, OK? People might still reject us. But I know how to make my writing better, and it’s actually fun to work on things and practice until you get them to a place where you absolutely love them. You know what I mean? And I guess as I’m thinking about a man and friends and work and even as I’m thinking about how to fix some of these old relationships I’ve been in with family and old friends and old Loves – I know that scares you and has you going back into a ball. “Do we have to fix those?” you ask me. Only the ones you want to fix. Only the people you miss, OK? I haven’t figured out what to do about those yet, but we’ll put our heads together, and call on our super powers, and get a big ol’ light bubble, – I can get that for us so we can be inside it and no one can hurt us – and we can tap into the biggest Light of the World to help us figure out what to do about all this ruin.

Are you with me? Cry about this rejection if you feel it. Feel it. I’ll be here with you as you feel it as long as you need to, giving you medicine, keeping you safe, singing to you, making a life for us as last. Responsible. Me and you together, Eleven.

Ameen.

Day 541
Dear Eleven (Absolutely Love) (Grown-up Stuff)

Day 540 – Identity Shift (Dance of the Butterfly)

I feel like I am different. Good morning. I have been away long. In a chrysalis of love. I came back out to the world a little over a week ago. I was horrified. It was as I left it, so very harsh and mean, but I had changed.

And I am navigating better now, although I still have tears. My eleven-year-old self is so hurt and afraid and she is counting on the grown up part of me to be a magician and lead the way to a better experience of life.

Somebody broke my heart – again – and I saw it. I saw it at last. The pattern. The pattern of my relational life that I have been living and reliving over and over again since eleven. Maybe before eleven, but eleven is when I remember it. The unwanted but always wanted to be used girl. The disrespected and betrayed one who is so special, but never chosen. The one no one says thank you to, but always wants to be in their space, contributing to their well being. The one is is treating with such biting, uncharacteristic meanness. And the one who is so easily left, whose feelings never quite matter much when decisions affecting her are made. The one who is hurt on purpose. Resented in fact. For not doing everything that is wanted of me in ways that are usually wanted of me without me ever being told what’s truly wanted of me (because if anyone said it out loud, it would just be too embarrassing) and punished for not giving to others what they would never fathom giving to me. This is a sad story. And I don’t want your pity. Well, maybe I do. But in my story, I usually don’t get pity…

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m feeling my feelings today and being honest. My grown self had a talk with… Somebody just messaged me DISRESPECTING ME!!!!!! Lawdamercy. Lawdamercy. Lawdamercy. Lord have mercy on me! Let me tell you what I feel like. The front of my head hurts and my eyes are a bit foggy. I kind of want to punch something. My shoulders are tensing up. The back of my head has a spot where hair falls out when I’m stressed. The spot is tingling. This is how it feels when the hair is deciding if it wants to stay or go. I am not thinking about the highest possible result for all concerned. Anger is consuming me…

I used to play a game with my nephew to teach him about his emotions. We would say “angry” and frown our faces. Then we would say “happy” and smile, and so forth and so on… Then when he finally understood what emotions meant, when he felt certain things, he would say the emotion name. So when he would be frustrated, he’d say “angry” and frown his face up. That’s how I’m feeling now. Angry. So angry. So sick and effin angry. And so mad at my own self. This is the life I’ve set up for myself? This is the nature of my relationships? I’m so sorry, my eleven year old baby. You thought that I’d do better for you. You thought that it would be better by now. I’m so sorry I didn’t find you places of love. I’m so sorry I surrounded you with people who took you for granted, disrespected, used and abused you for so long. I’m so sorry that you haven’t felt what it feels like to matter in so long. To be considered. To be taken care of. You haven’t known what it’s like to have your feelings protected on purpose.

It hasn’t been all bad, has it? No, it hasn’t. There have been exquisite moments of connection and love. There have been moments of deep kindness and support. You have had champions all along the way. And don’t get it twisted. You have done well, too, my baby. You have helped so many people break free in their lives. You have loved deeply and reset hearts. You have inspired many with your bravery and tenacity and your relentless pursuit of a good life, of the life of your dreams…

-Wise one, you have opened up the anger at last. You have felt the offense. Feel it as it blazes through your body on your way to freedom. You have spoken the Truth to the ones who need to hear it and you have done your part. Job well done. Release the need to be wrong or right. Release the need to control. These are silly battles…

Y’all, somebody messaged me again with some nonsense! Lover. Messaging me with some bull shit because now he realizes he doesn’t have someone in his life that’s gonna just pour all the love she can pour into him and help guide and nurture him into getting his life right. I just finished doing a meditation exercise from this program call Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine…

I do believe this is the moment. I’m not going to edit this entry. This is what it looks like to break through and be intentional and make a choice in the midst of an emotional overhaul. This is me tapping into all that I know. What I know is that these angry feelings could possibly take me down a very bad road, which would involve me cussing people out, hurting people, getting all depressed, not doing what I intended to do for the day, curling up in a ball in my bed, interfacing with some equally miserable person whom I wouldn’t normally talk to if I was feeling good, damaging relationships… all of that could happen if I don’t do something on purpose. Right now. In this moment. I am going to stop the avalanche. Well, I can’t really stop the avalanche. It has already started and so I just need to let it pass through. I had been trying to stop it for a long time, and that was not the answer. The answer is, let it pass through and get out of its way. So I’m going to try a thing. I am going to let all this anger be unleashed. It’s a lot. It comes from places that I don’t even know. I have been feeling offended, and trying not to feel offended for a long, long, long, very long time. And all of these negative emotions have built into a huge boulder that I have been trying to keep at bay. And it has been straining me and draining me and pulling all my subconscious focus, to try and not feel these pains. And my energy has been stagnant, wrapped up in all this pain. And now I see it. Huge. This monumental feeling. This fire. I must embody my bigger self to make it through this test. Test is what it feels like. Have we learned anything from all of this?

This is the time now to show what I know. This is the climax of my story. This is the battle scene. And after this is surmounted, in this day, we can finally write a new book. The tragedy can be over. In fact, it doesn’t have to be a tragedy. It can be a hero’s journey, full of redemption and reconciliation with a sequel or sequels full of adventures and love and journeys that start off with the foundation of all we have learned and become.

And so, in this moment, I am choosing. Yep. I am choosing. Not choosing not to be mad. Not choosing to repress or surprise. Not even choosing to give someone what they’re asking for. In this moment, I am choosing to feel what I feel and point my arrow. Point my arrow towards where I want to be and where life is taking me. Know that this avalanche is clearing out the land at last. Your destination has been made clear to you from long ago, and you have finally, finally, finally started walking and embracing. Now, in the midst of this upheaval, see the power you have bound up in boulders and bring it back to you. You know how to do this. You always have. After the avalanche is the purifying flow of the river, rushing you, carrying you, pushing you to your destination. Let go now. It’s time. Let go now. It’s time. Let go now. It’s time. Let go of this old identity. You have died to it long ago and have been carrying around a corpse. Let go now. Bless it. It has kept you alive. Thank it. It has helped you to survive the wars and traumas you have wallowed through. But that old corpse of yours is not made to thrive. You have butterflied already and now you must act like it. You have butterflied, baby. You have butterflied..

And this part, this new adventure is not about fighting and winning and losing and healing and responding to all that is out there. This part is about letting things go. Let everything go that would weigh you down. Flying high, high, high, high, high. Creating beauty. Being beauty. Being light. Sharing the very best of all your magnificent colors. Honoring the ugliness that birthed you. Do you see how I have been giving you clues all along? Do you see how I have been with you all along? You can do this, Laydie. You can go down the destined road. You are tired of anger now. I know. You can pray for them, too. They are all a part of you. You’ve read so many books. You’ve gotten so many hints. You can do this, Laydie… I will have to let go of the need to always be right. The need to be approved of and accepted. Oh, this is the biggest gift I can give to myself. I will have to accept my very own self and see me as good. So very good. So very good. So very worthy. And see my fellow beings as such, too. I will have to take on the posture of someone worthy and the walk of someone embodying peace. Peace doesn’t mean look the other way or ignore the nastiness of this world. Peace is a position. Goodwill is an intention. They are embodiments that change the very cells in our bodies…

And so… Do you see the magic has happened already? Do you see how we have shifted from anger to intention. This is the practice of the butterfly. The magician. The alchemist. The healer. the Lover. The goddess that you truly are. Practice and soon it will become your life. The worthy One, Laydie. The cared for. The considered. The lifted up. The treated with kindness woman. The Loved. The shar-er. The one who is shared with. The accepted. The appreciated. The bringer of goodness and goodwill. The recipient of goodness and goodwill. This is who you are now. It is who you have always been. See it in your fellow beings and watch how your world shifts. Give them the gift I have given you. Use your wisdom now. Use your power now. Use your beauty now. Use your brilliance now. Use your talent now. Use it to create a better world than you have ever known… Celebrate a joyous life. For you and all of us, the intertwined…

Ameen.

Day 540
Identity Shift (Dance of the Butterfly)

Day 539 – Bad, Safe and OK

My family has this thing about being bad. It’s a word with us. We are always trying to be good, and by extension, judging others, consciously or subconsciously, for being bad. Bad can be lazy, a whore, sick, wrong religion, wrong lifestyle, too much money, not enough money, smiling too much, not smiling enough, friendly and loose, not friendly enough, etc. etc.

Last night I had a dream about my disappearing sister. She disappeared from our family because she thought our family had started a conspiracy, where we were gossiping about her and saying she was bad and everyone should stay away from her and be careful around her because she was practicing the wrong religion. She thought I started the whole thing. It never happened. Before this whole conspiracy theory, at some point, she and I were out in the ocean snorkeling. She swims like a fish and I swim like a tortoise. I was exhausted, but trying to keep up with her energy because I wanted to spend time with her and she wanted to do the snorkeling thing. At some point, she invited us to go snorkel deep into the ocean. I had a bad feeling about it and said we shouldn’t go. She persisted and said she wanted to go and I told her I wasn’t going, but I would stand watch for her and make sure she doesn’t die. It was a joke, but I was serious. I wasn’t going out there, but I would make sure nothing happened to her if she went. She went. Lo and behold, right as she started swimming in the direction she wanted to go, a huge storm started in the ocean. In the ocean. It was the scariest thing. Both of us hurried and got out of there.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that incident broke her heart. She thinks I’m psychic. I am kind of psychic sometimes, for what it’s worth. Not really psychic, I’m just super sensitive and I pay attention to energy and feelings. So, my sister thought that I knew a storm was coming. She thought that I knew that if she went that direction, that she would be hit by a storm and drown. She thought that I sat up there in the ocean, and was willing to let her go on a suicide mission and let her die. Because I think she’s bad. It’s a bit far fetched, but hey, that’s what happened.

So, in my dream, a thought manifested. What kind of a horrible person would I have to be to let my sis go drown in an ocean? In reality, she thinks I’m bad. Awful, actually. ‘Cus regular people just don’t sit there and let people die in oceans, not even their enemies. This concept of being bad runs deep.

It’s a message that has been subconsciously or explicitly stated throughout my life. My bestie brother literally stopped talking to me when I was eleven because I kissed a boy. I didn’t know why he had decided to just not talk to me, but at some point, when my mom forced a meeting and discussion and asked him why he wasn’t talking to me, he said, “because she’s bad and she likes boys.” He wasn’t even trying to hurt me. According to whatever understanding of whatever religion, I was a nonbeliever and not to be associated with. Last night, I saw said brother. I went to the ER because my head and scalp were hurting really bad. He met me there. We talked before parting and he said that he thought my head issues were caused by stress. That he finds that certain issues are caused by thoughts. I might want to investigate my meditations, he said and/or pay attention to the oils I use. I had used some oil at his place to steam my face when Covid hit – lemongrass. My eyes were getting red, pink eye I think, and I read somewhere that lemongrass could help resolve it. The next day a spider showed up at his place. He thought the oils brought it. So he recommended that I examine my meditations (don’t ask me what meditations because I don’t know and neither does he) and stop using whatever oils because maybe they’re bringing bugs around that are biting my head. My translation: stop doing your bad stuff, whatever religious stuff you’re doing that’s not my religion. He then invited me to come stay with him and have a bit of a vacation.

Could I tell him how much the stuff he says hurts? He wouldn’t understand. I tried to tell him once and he said I’m not a baby and he’s not going to stop telling me the truth just to spare my feelings, because maybe one day it will resonate and get through. Something about it feels like abuse. I can’t put my finger on it. But something about him always makes me feel like I’m being punched or put down. Not good. Like I am not good. I feel it to.

My sister, too. She is angry with me. She Loves me to death, but she’s mad at me. For not being awesome. For not being the hero. For not saving everyone’s life, including my own, all the time. Disappointed. I told her that I had gone to the heart of the jungle, literally, transformed a community, held court with chiefs with machetes, slept in a bed with my mom for months and planted over 1000 cacao trees, sourcing support out of my butt, and her response was, “why didn’t I do more? Start a film school and make a movie, too?” Followed by acknowledging that I had done what no one else was able to. But the acknowledgement didn’t feel celebratory. It just didn’t. But I know she’s happy for me and she’s proud of me and she Loves me more than most…

I’m processing my feelings. Almost scared to write because I’m afraid someone will read this and call me bad. Do you see how crazy this is? I feel afraid to write about the real stuff. The deep stuff. Because I think it might cause some backlash or break up some relationships or someone will say I’m just looking for pity and actually say I’m the bad one, some way, some how in all these situations.

But I’m writing today because I’m sick of this shit. Yep. Shit. I said shit. Shit to the shit shit fuckity fuck. If I am bad, indeed, then what should we do about it? That’s another poem. Bad. Put on the list of poems unwritten because someone asked me when I was gonna write happy poems, but I didn’t have any happy poems, so I stopped sharing poems and writing them because I didn’t want to offend anyone with all my sadness and badness.

But it hasn’t served me. Trying to be good hasn’t served me. The people I am trying for don’t think I’m good anyway. A trip to visit a sister becomes a ploy to let her die and slander her character. A visit to brother is an entry of stress into his life. A heroes journey to build community is just not good enough, or too soon, or an offense to someone’s ego… Sacrifices for friends out of Love are interpreted as self-abuse and codependency…

I have been quarantined up in my house, for about two and half months, going through the shits, processing the shits, and feeling everything. Every single thing that has passed through my body and through my awareness. Losing my mind. Losing my hair. And now I would like to say fuck you to this part of my life. Yep. Fuck You. That’s how I really feel about it. Nope. Don’t want to say thank you for lessons. Don’t want to release with peace and a prayer. Don’t want to make any of it mean anything amazing. I want it to die. Go to fuck shit hell… I don’t know if I’m gonna publish this, lol. Y’all ain’t ready for these harsh feelings. Lol. I think I will publish, though.

I would like this part of my life to take a back seat to good now. Like, now. Now. Today. Right now. If I am bad, if people think I am bad, and even if it’s not just people, like, if it’s really true. If I’m annoying, controlling, picked the wrong religion, irresponsible, not living up to my potential, make bad choices, don’t show up for people at the level they want, non committal, selfish, self-absorbed, what else, pathetic, victim, blamey blamer, self -righteous (those are all for you, Red Feather. I read your mind), weak, despicable, want more than I give, always thinking about what I don’t have, ungrateful, if I’m just too damn lucky and I don’t deserve it… If I am all those things, than what am I gonna do about it? Should I ignore my good sides and pray to be redeemed of it all so that finally I will be good enough to be loved and accepted? Should I lean in to all the evil and really show people what it means to be bad on purpose? Should I forgive myself over and over again and write positive things about myself until I can at least imagine they are true and write about boundaries and divorce everyone who doesn’t like me, even if it means I end up all alone, lol? Should I just wallow in hopelessness and stay stuck in my room forever, like I’ve been doing, so nothing can hurt me again?

How can I be free when I’m carrying around all this badness and how can I possibly have the courage to feel safe in the world after all of the pain I’ve experienced just for being myself, mostly not trying to hurt people on purpose… I’m tempted not to post this blog. I sound a bit like a jerk… Sometimes I am a jerk. Can I be ok with that? I think that is what this posting is about. That’s what I’m processing as I’m realizing that I have been stuck in this place for far too long because it is safe here. It’s not rewarding to be on a constant treadmill. But it’s safe. If I don’t fall in Love or be in relationship, no one can hurt me anymore. If I don’t finish my projects, I don’t have to worry about them being rejected or the pressure and the judgement and demands and jealousy that will come if/when I have more money and notoriety. I feel afraid to be happy. Feel like people will come for me.

Something in me knows that I can break free of all of this. That if I choose, then, like magic, my life will transform, and because I know this, I choose nothing. Why am I so resistant to getting out of this place? Why do I not feel good about my own power and why do I choose not to use it for the good of me? Is it because I think I’m bad? Is it because something deep in me is out of agreement with anything good? I fear a real choice for myself. I defer to confusion and helplessness. I’m spilling the tea today. The question is, what am I gonna do about it?

Am I really gonna stay here forever? Writing sad blogs and being sick and lonely and mad at everyone, including myself, and letting life pass me by, regretting much? I keep thinking that I need help, and my Spirit tells me that I have all the help I need. And I know it. Yet still, there is conflict around this Truth. To accept it… to accept this kind of luck and freedom, feels like blasphemy.

-Accept Being Bad. Accept Being Good. Accept Being Safe. Accept Being Unsafe. Accept Action. Accept Sitting Still. Accept Being Ugly and Unwanted. Accept Being Desired and Beautiful. Accept Their Judgments. Accept Your Own Non-judgment. Accept that you are the hero. Accept other heroes. Hold on to control. Release control. And finally, accept that you know what to do and how to be and how to get out of here. Are you ready? Choose. Yep. Choose.

Dare. To. Choose. Dare to Use Your Power for Yourself, even as all parts of you scream and flail blasphemy. Dare to allow them to judge you but you don’t judge them. Dare to be better than them. Ummm hmmm. Better. And worse. Dare to be worse then them. And be OK with both. Don’t judge you. Don’t sentence yourself to prison or hell or a room. Don’t demand Heaven, either, or success. Or Love.

You. Know. How. To. Do. This. Laydie. Just accept it now. Or would you rather just keep life out there as a fantasy, like the glass shop owner in The Alchemist? It’s OK if that is your choice, but let it be your choice. Would you rather bring the fantasy into you and see what happens next? You don’t know. I won’t tell you. Yes, you could die. That is a possibility. Yes, you could fail, but you have failed already and deemed yourself a failure more than once. Yes, you could be awful and they would hate you, but they think you are awful already. What is there to lose except for all of your identity? Haha. What a thrill! And you say you are no longer a thrill seeker, and We know. You are an adventurer embarking upon uncharted territory.

Let’s not make this just a motivational blog, something to feel good about. Feel bad if you do. But feel. Let’s make a choice. In fact, a commitment. I want you to go in the world with your hair falling out and choose, commit to Love anyway. Love yourself anyway. This is not everyone’s mission, but it’s yours, Laydie. Love yourself anyway. Love yourself because of it. Love yourself because you have chosen to stay in this excruciating experience called humanness. Love yourself even if the experience is easy. Love yourself because it’s easy. Or because it’s hard. Because you did a bad ass job at being bad. Or being good. Because you honored who you are. You are honorable.

If you need to start with the self help or the self talk or the mental stuff, then that’s fine. Start where you need to start. But you have advanced past that, Laydie. You can start at the root. At the real Source of all of this. It’s choice. Choice, surrender, acceptance, intention, practice. That is your religion. Choose to be Yourself now. Choose to align your will with the will of Creation and see a greater life than you could even fathom… Watch… Take it off this blog today. Today. Today. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Take it out of your mind today and put. this. in. to. practice. now. Now. Today. Today. Today.

And be OK. This will be different. Feeling OK will be different than anything you’ve felt in a while. BE OK with it. Remind yourself that it’s OK to be OK. Get used to it. You can get used to it. I can get used this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this…

Ameen

Day 539
Bad, Safe and OK

Day 538 – Unconditional

I kind of want to talk, like, use my voice. Today is a big day for me. A huge day. I made a decision. To take ownership of my life. A thought just occurred. I have a friend that has been a phone friend for a very long time. He’s a guy. Only ever been a platonic friend, although when I met him over fifteen years ago, he was trying to hit on me. I called him and told him I didn’t want to date him, and we’ve been friends ever since.

He gives me a lot of insight into the thinking of men…

But I don’t want to talk about him. I can’t write long. My life changed all of a sudden. For the better. I want to go hug a friend today and then I have an awesome meeting coming up. I’m vibrating at a speed that I’m not used to, and from what I know, when my energy is like this, miracles happen.

So, I’m expecting that when I walk out of this door, the highest possible outcome for my life will be forthcoming. I am looking for the choices that I can make 100 percent. So I have to get off this internet now, because the choice I can make 100% for now is to go see my friend immediately and hug him.

God Bless you. Bless you. Unconditionally. Bless you Unconditional.

Ameen.

Day 538
Unconditional

Day 537 – Integrate, Process, Choose

Here we go. So much pain and unprocessed/ unintegrated emotions still… Thinkin of my sister. Can I just write it out? This might be a bit incoherent. She hates my guts. I wish she didn’t. A few of them hate my guts. Why? They wanted me to be there for them in ways I was not. Am not. I guess I did try to punch one of them in the face. She kept coming for me. That’s what it felt like. It felt like she was just coming for me, trying to pull me in directions I didn’t want to go. Not respecting what I was telling her. Not giving me space when I asked for it. Messing up the good situation I was in by having conflict with my caregiver, which in turn distracted him from his caregiving and even made him feel like he was giving too much to me; when he was giving exactly what I needed for the first time in my adult life. It was the first time in my adult life where someone was actually respecting me, interested in what I needed, and offering care to me in safe ways. I was in Heaven. And then she came around just messing everything up, talking about I don’t need what I need. Not even knowing to this day what was wrong with me or what my diagnosis was. Her actions felt slightly malicious. They didn’t feel all the way accidental.

My other sib is mad at me because she’s going through a major life transition. I stayed with her for three months to help her through, and then left to come back to LA. She wanted me to stay longer, even though she was sitting over there talking about my help is just the same as anyone else’s and she don’t need me and I don’t love her. It’s hard to get anything done for myself when I’m with her. It feels like she wants me to pour all of my time and energy into her all the time, and she resents when I have “Me” time, or if I move forward and she’s not. But then she gets angry if I try and encourage her to do stuff to move herself forward, and accuses me of trying to control her, etc, etc. So I came back to LA. Because I need to move forward with my life. And everyone resents me for wanting to move forward.

It’s like the people in my world feel like I’m obliged to give my all to lifting them up. The give what they can when they feel like it. Sometimes when they don’t feel like it. But they’re not about to move out of their home or quit their job and delay their plans to meet me wherever I am and support me in whatever. They’re definitely not about to do that if they see I’m farting around. But they expect me to do that for them…

That’s not what I meant to write about today, but I’ve been cussing people out in my head. Cussing people out in my dreams. Having all these conversations in my mind with others. Trying hard not to say mean stuff to people, but I got so much mean stuff to say. They’re assholes. Can I say it here? Somehow I feel like it needs to be said. Somehow I feel like they don’t get it. That’s why their lives are all effed up. I wish someone would tell me the stuff that I don’t know. The mean stuff that they gossip about, but never say to my face. I would like to know.

My mean ass brother loves to tell me about myself, but he’s so daggone mean. And he usually has no clue about what’s really going on with a person. He did say something to me, though, as I was crying and tell him I feel like a wounded baby. He said I’m not a baby and I need to get my ass up and take responsibility for my life. I mean thing to say to a person in pain, as usual, but it resonated.

My nerves are tingling. I feel anxious about writing more on this blog. Feel like pushing delete, but I’m gonna finish it out. Closing my eyes… Self responsibility. I am going to have to choose, with every ounce of me, 100% to grow. Something deep in me knows I can. The question is, do I want to quit? Do I want to settle for a life that’s not what I dreamed of? The answer is no. I don’t. I want to live my dream. I know I’m getting old, but nothing else will do. But I don’t know how to live my dream, you see. I’ve never seen it done by someone like me who comes from where I come from.

People have tried. People are trying. They are doing their best. But their is no role model. Perhaps I am to become the model. Yes, that is the truth. That is why so many are upset with me. They expected me to be the role model and show them the way. I didn’t know the way, but they thought I did.

Integrate, process, own, live… It’s time. It’s time to stand up tall in myself. It’s time to get over feeling sorry for myself. I can have compassion and kindness, but it’s time to get up now and fight for my own happiness. It’s time to fight for my own redemption. Make an intention for myself. Make an intention for the world. I’m going to go ahead and finally do it.

I commit. I intend. I’m going for the gold. Yep. Even now. I’m going for the gold. Even when I’m over here all emotionally unbalanced. I’m going for it. I’m going for the gold. I’m gonna face them. I’m going to face my fears and have all of these conversations that have been pent up. Or write letters. Or something. I’m going to process and integrate stuff and I’m going to grow and do my very darned best to make this life something I like being a part of. I commit. I intend. I choose. I’m gonna fight for myself, and I know that when I fight for myself, I’m fighting for everyone else who my life touches.

So here we go. I’m getting offline now. Gonna take a shower and finish two things on my list today. Three things, actually. Finish reading a book. Maybe one thing. Maybe the book might take a while. We’ll see. We’ll plan to finish the book. And hug someone. I need to touch and be touched. Thanks for reading. Have a Blessed day.

Day 537
Integrate, Process, Choose