Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
If you are interested in being updated on new posts, please subscribe.
……
There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
I just read one of my recent posts – “The Way Forward”. It was good. I am sitting here in my sister’s house. My rich sister. I have a rich sister. She is out of town and I am here.
Synchronicity had its way again, and I came to visit her right at a time when she would have wanted a family member around to help watch her kids. So I’m here. The kids are all right. They are at school and daycare. I am ni a spacious room and in the energy of a home where people have learned to be ok with having money. It’s a big deal. It’s an energy.
Everyone can’t hold it. Everyone is not ok with it. My sis has her own challenges in life, but being able to hold and have money is not one of them. I am glad and grateful to be in her home. I am glad and grateful to have this moment to sit still before I move on to whatever is next in life.
I am feeling lucky, and trying very hard to be ok with feeling and/or being lucky. Lucky because God is always on time. God always takes care of me, even in my lowest moments. Even when things don’t go like I would have wanted them to go, I land somewhere that has exactly what I need. Why am I not ok with this? Why do I feel guilty about it?
Why are we not ok with being ok? In the kitchen, the babysitter talks on the phone with her boyfriend. She giggles. She is happy with him. She is ok with being happy with him. I recognize that even the thought of me actually being happy and ok with a man is foreign to me. I recognize that even the thought of having a home – a home… a clean place with a big bathtub and a backyard – is foreign to me. I recognize that even the thought of having a lot of money, enough money, a cash flow, a big cash flow that allows me to move around like I want, is foreign to me.
All of these things that I give lip service to, when I think about them truly, when I try to see a picture with me in it… it is hard. My head hurts. I start crying. And I see. I see a whole identity matrix that is out of alignment with who I say I am and what I say I want.
And now we come to the root of today’s musings. I have been avoiding this question and I am here to face it. My teeth are chattering and I tap into my stronger attributes. I am brave as can be, and my intuition is strong when I tap into it. It brought me here today because my sense of self has been completely pulverized, thankfully, and I am not who I used to be. Of course, I am who I have always been, but I am no longer who I thought I was.
I thought I was this sorry person. I thought I was ugly. I thought I didn’t deserve shit. Don’t ask where all these thoughts came from, because I don’t even know. Trauma or whatever. I never was willing to accept that I was “lucky”. Things that were hard for others to get often just fell into my lap by chance or with very little effort on my part. Magic would happen in my life. I didn’t want to accept it. Somehow it was bad to be special. Somehow it was bad to think I was different than others. And so, subconsciously, I tried very hard to sabotage anything that made me special or different. I tried very hard to be normal. In high school, I asked my mom to put me in the “normal” classes instead of the “gifted and talented” and “honors” classes like my teachers suggested. I didn’t want to be not normal. I thought it was arrogant.
But try as i tried, I was still never normal. I just never was. And truth be told, if any of my dreams actually came true, then by default, I would not be normal. I definitely would not be normal compared to where I come from. If I actually had one of my movies produced and distributed large scale, then I would be rich and maybe even famous. Not normal. If my heal the world project kept going in the direction it’s going, then I would be a trailblazer in my mom’s country. Not normal. If I found a man… wow. If I found a man… If a man found me and we were able to love each other and be at peace and in harmony… It would be the most profound thing I’ve ever witnessed. Not normal at all…
So I am here, contemplating what’s next in life. A crossroads again. The biggest crossroads of my life. In order to go past it, I will have to give up my identity of being normal, because normal people don’t make it through here. At least not normal according to what has been normal in my life thus far. So far, it is only the extraordinary who live in integrity with their souls, and this is what I am endeavoring. It is a big deal.Finally, this is what I’m choosing.
It had to come to this.
One day, it will be normal in our world for people to want to live in integrity with our souls, for people to live their dreams and their destinies, but for now, I have to get over this idea of trying to stay lock step with the world around me. I have to get over this fear of people being jealous or not liking me if I succeed. I have to be willing to accept myself for real. Not just the bad. The awesomeness. Yes, awesomeness. I can call others awesome. Why can’t I call myself awesome, too? Why can’t I be awesome, too? Why is it so hard for me to accept the good within my own self?
The tears fall. The teeth chatter. I came here today to get clarity on my next step. You say don’t take too long writing and get into action now. I am stalling. I already know my next step.
What I have to do is do what I’ve always had to do. Finish up on what You’ve told me to do, God. We see now, where the blockage has been. I have been in conflict with my own self, wanting to live a life which, by default, makes me special, unique, gifted, lucky, but not wanting to be special, unique, gifted, lucky.
You say I have humility. I have passed the test. You say I care about others, finally. I have passed the test. You say I have decided at last to love, and this is the greatest lesson of all. And yes, I have decided at last, to Love. And so you give me permission to participate in the world like never before.
Shift.Into.Alignment.With.Me. Accept that I, God, am your partner, and you have chosen to live my Will. You have the power of the universe backing you. I am backing you. Can you get that? Yes, you can. Get that. Accept that. Yes, you are lucky. Yes, you are blessed beyond your fondest dreams. You all are. Accept that. Please. Carry my Blessing and experience a life that you never even dreamed possible.
Accept, Allow, Surrender, Submit, and Choose. For today, my baby, accept that you are lucky. Don’t care what others say. They’re gonna judge you if you’re sorry, too. Much better for you and the work you have to do for the world if they judge you because you’re lucky. So, this is your practice for the day. Hold your head up, Laydie. Hold your head up. You have a right to be here. You have a right to be happy, too. I want you to walk around the world as if you are the luckiest person ever today. Accept that side of yourself. It is important for you to accept just how good you are. And you have been denying your luck for so long, not walking in it, being ashamed of it, pushing it away, not using it in ways that help you, not allowing yourself to have your heart’s desires, not even daring to dream of them. Today we are going to dream of them, and then we are going to change our posture and walk around like the luckiest person in the world, a person that walks hand in hand with the best friend you can have – the magical hand of God…
Ameen.
Day 518
A Lucky Posture (Accepting Luck)
I feel afraid to write. Afraid of all these emotions. Don’t even know where they are coming from. Deep and raw.
Mission accomplished. Mission over. All the stuff I was supposed to do, I did. And now? I am here. Some man in my life didn’t come and see me today and my heart is all heavy.
Don’t know whether to cut him off or don’t trip. Someone I met at the festival. I made it to the festival. Magic. I don’t know if I wrote about it already, but I made it. Made it to LA, and from LA, hitchhiked to the festival. It was amazing. Too amazing to talk about here because it’s over and I’m gonna start crying…
My friends were there. They welcomed me with open arms and big hugs. They got me food while I was sick, gave me gifts, toted me around on their bikes… I went to an amazing workshop. I danced under the stars in the desert. I watched a temple burn and prayed while people roasted marsh mellows. I exchanged hugs…
Somewhere in the celebration, I met a man there. Nothing happened. Just an easy, safe cordial exchange. I was working at the information booth of my camp, and he stopped by to talk. We had a connection. He’s not my type at all. Never ever dated a man of his race before. Sometime later, he came by my camp again. This time, we listened to music together. Just sat down and listened and chatted.
He asked me to come by his camp the next day. I told him I would. I came, but when I came, neither him nor any of his campmates were there. I left a note with my number on it.
After the festival, he called. Told me he had found the note while he was packing. Actually, he didn’t call. He texted. We texted back and forth. I asked him what he wanted. He said to get to know one another. We don’t live in the same state, and we agreed that we would visit one another. Be kind, open, honest, and caring towards one another…
We messaged some more. I started getting tired of messaging. The magic of the festival was wearing off, and he was becoming a guy who didn’t seem too interested in getting to know me. He wasn’t doing anything. Wasn’t setting up any time to meet up. Wasn’t calling. Only sending little messages every now and then… Finally I asked him when we were going to meet up. It took him a day to respond. In his response, he apologized for taking so long to respond and said he had had to think about things. I told him it was ok, and now… I’m actually looking through my text messages and see that he never addressed when we are going to meet up…
So, as fate would have it, one of my sister’s lives in the state he lives in, about thirty minutes away from him. He asked me if I ever come to visit my sis and I said sometimes… Then I told him that I was coming to visit my sis this past weekend. He said he’d be gone on a training this past weekend. He asked when I would be leaving town and I told him and then didn’t hear back from him. Then today I told him I was still in town… He messaged me and asked if I’d like to meet up tonight. I said I would. He gave me a tentative time.
Then a few hours before the time, he messaged and asked to reschedule for Wednesday. Said he had a bunch of work to do. My heart cracked a little. I know, it’s silly. I guess I had already judged him as an awesome man in my mind, and then realized he’s probably an ass… or scared of good things. Or unavailable. Or a coward. Or married.
I went back and forth in my head. Should I tell him, no, the jig is up, and I don’t want to meet him anymore? Was it really a big deal for someone not to call you in a month of knowing you? Especially when they certainly had a life before meeting me?
He said he didn’t cancel. But he did cancel. He didn’t say sorry. I get the feeling he has a mean streak. I’ve been here before. I got on a plane and went to a whole other country, as fate would have it, in a whole other country happened to live a fifteen minute walk away from my friend the Advisor. And then, actually lived right in his same apartment complex. Thought if I was near, then we could get near. Then we would get near. But we didn’t. In six months, I only saw him once. He avoided me like the plague. He only wanted to have sex with me, and when he found out he wasn’t getting none, he didn’t want to see me. I don’t want to believe that that is the truth. I want to believe that he was in love with me and scared and the feeling was too intense… or that he had a psych problem… or that someone put a spell on him.. or that he secretly had a pee problem and peed on himself and didn’t want me to know. Anything except he didn’t really Love me.
With Dream Lover, I wanted to believe the same thing. But then I found out that the truth was, he was married. He was married. And talking to me about our future. And our kids. And wanting to go look at houses with me for us to buy. He was lying to me. About everything.
This new guy? He is not lying. Well, he lied about canceling, talking about he didn’t cancel. I think I feel heartbroken because he felt like such a safe place. I thought I had met someone who could hold me, if even for an hour. I didn’t feel pain when I sat next to him. I felt relaxed. But now I feel afraid and doubtful. I have been here before. I can’t even tell you if I’m overreacting. Do you think I’m over reacting? This is how I scare guys off. I tell them how I feel and then they think I’m making too big of a deal of stuff, and they had a life before they met me and they can’t just drop everything and I’m supposed to be patient and see how things go… but I’m not buying it anymore. It’s bullshit.
It’s just bullshit. I scare them off because they’re assholes with no good intentions. Single to this day or dating some woman and wreaking havoc in her life, because they never set a good intention for her. They never set a good intention for me. Had a thought of a nice first date but never followed through. Had a thought of a nice anything, but got scared, or had to fast their real feelings, their attachments to whoever else, their insecurities, etc. etc. Had to come to terms with whatever fantasy they were living.
I can hear all the men who ever really loved me telling me that I’m too fine to be worrying about some man who ain’t coming to see me the second I touch down in his town. A lifetime is ending. A whole entire way of relating to men is coming to an end.
I am sad… I am feeling so, so sad. I thought I had finally met someone who had the right vibe. Someone who could hold me and not hurt me. I am really in need of someone to hold me. I am really in need of a touch filled with Love. I am really in need of someone to love.God, please send me someone to Love…
Ameen
Day 517
Someone To Love
Good morning
I’m tripping out. Strssing out. Brain on overload. I am sure it has been like this for years… I am in a situation. I don’t have to be in this situation, but here I am.
In a hotel. Ran away from home. Don’t want to go back. Which home? My brother’s home. He had been taking excellent care of me for the past month and then one of my sisters, who had been living there previously, moved back in. I was horrified. I am sure she loves me to the moon and back and I love her, too, but she has a “tough love” approach to care, and I had been tough loved to the max out in Africa.
My worst fears came to pass. Our household changed and the peace that I had had for the past month was replaced with discord. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it was hers. Probably we were all to blame, but nonetheless, I was getting sick. I was never calm. Breakfast by my brother was late and our consistent schedule was no more. I didn’t feel safe anymore… I had been needing a safe space to be for so long, and I had finally found one, and now it was ending…
I was heartbroken.
My body was doing things I couldn’t understand. Twice, I felt like the angel of death was asking me if I wanted to come with him, and I couldn’t tell him yes or no. I couldn’t tell him yes or no because I was so tired. I didn’t want to be here in this world where no one takes care of you unless you ar really really on your death bed.
This two month’s bout of sickness was different than anything I’d ever felt. It was so dark. It was so heavy. I do believe that I’ve been under some kind of spiritual attack. I made it through. Almost. I am here writing my blog in a hotel room.
I ran away two days ago. I had no money in my pocket and no idea how I was going to do anything or get anywhere. My sis and I had gotten into a fight two days prior to me running away. She was yelling at me about something. I was sick of her meanness and lack of compassion towards me. I swung at her face. Missed. Kept swinging. I’m not sorry. She was hurint me and I was tired of being hurt, pushed, pulled, judged, anything but loved and treated with kindness and compassion by the people around me. I didn’t care if their meanness was warranted or if I wasn’t giving out the kind of care that I was asking for. I was sick, dammit, and just for one moment, just until I got well, I believed that I was entitled to a “be nice to me and help me get better no matter what” card.
Anyway, I swung at my sis. We talked about the situation, said some words, but I still felt pain. She still believed I didn’t like her or I was out to fight her or whatever. I woke up one morning and reealized I was not going to get well in that environment. Neither was she. So I pushed myself off the bed, asked my brother for a ride and went to the airport trying to catch a standby flight to Cali and then go to a civic arts festival after landing in LA.
I didn’t get the flight. Instead, I ended up in a hotel room, where I have been for the past two days.
There is a tub here, and last night I took a bath. I put rose oil, bath salts, eucalyptus, rose petals, sage, frankincense and lavender oils in the tub with me. 27 rose petals from my room service rose. I prayed and sobbed and yelled. Prayed for my sis. Prayed for my mom. Prayed that the war going on between so many of me and my family members would finally be done. Prayed the generational curse would be broken.
And then I prayed for myself. I have been here in the mud for quite some time. Every now and then, I get a breath of fresh air, and then back in the mud it is. Murky, heavy, nothing but sloshing around here. I felt sorry for myself. Nobody ever feels sorry me because they think I’m supposed to be able to do everything. When I planted my trees in Africa, some of my family said, “Why didn’t you run for president? When are you making your movie?” I gets no love for what I have done or the value I bring. I gets no compassion for being who I am on the inside and yet living the life I am living on the outside. It has been hard. I didn’t realize it until now.
I’ve been very naive about very much for very long. It’s funny because people think I know better. I didn’t know the depths of jealousy in the world. I didn’t understand the potent pull of sex. I didn’t get that some peope really just don’t like you and want to subjugate, manipulate, etc, etc even if you’ve done nothing to them. I couldn’t see my place in this whole web of life.
One of these past days in the past months, as fate would have it, I got into contact with someone who knows my disappearing ex “fiance”, Dream Lover. Dream Lover was the last official boyfriend I’ve had, seven years ago. He disappeared seven years ago. Just stopped answering my calls. No conversation, no goodbye, etc. We had been arguing shortly before his disappearance because he had been hard to reach. During our last conversation, I was on the road driving seven hours up to Northern California to see him. Yes, seven hours. He had been ditching my calls, and I told him I was coming anyway. About an hour away from his house, he called me. Asked me if I was coming for real. I said I was, and he got upset and asked why I would come when we hadn’t arranged things.
I got emotional and asked him why he’s treating me the way he was. Did he not want to be with me? What was going on? He told me that I was doing everything out of order and forcing things. I started crying and he hung up the phone. That was the last I heard from him… When I arrived at his house, one of his family members told me that he wasn’t there. He was very apologetic. I do believe I left my body. Went into a numbness. Sat in my lucky car and cried for hours and hours. That was seven years ago.
Some months ago, my brother started courting a lady who just happens to have worked for the family member who turned me away from Dream Lover’s house years ago. She knows all about Dream Lover’s life and is roommates with the girl who babysits Dream Lover’s kids. Yes, kids. She knows his wife… He had a wife. He has a wife. All along… He was telling me about going to the ends of the Earth wth me and marrying me and talking about the kids we would have, and all along he had a wife. And it gets even better. His wife would call all the time, and he told me she was his daughter.
Just to put some things in perspective, Dream Lover is a highly respected religious figure in his religion. I never would have thought he was playing me the way he did. I felt sorry for myself. Every man I’ve ever Loved has had a secret life – a wife and kids somewhere. I’m never quite a true blue mistress, bc I don’t know about the secret life. These men were not interested in loving me for real, they just loved whatever I brought to the table for them. I feel stupid. I have wasted a lot of time being hurt, being sad, being broke, being anything and everything but loved.
I have been in this frantic energy loop for years, rushing, stressed, broke, hurting, fighting, not finishing stuff… This farm was the first major thing I’ve seen all the way through in years. It was a big deal. Now I stand on the threshold trying to see how to build a brand new life. I have no idea how I’m going to have an experience of life that is so different than what I have known for the greater portion of my adult life. I want to be held and Loved, but maybe no one is coming… You say someone is coming. You say someones are coming. I breathe into my belly. I think of those people in the world who Love me and have carried me through these years. Even ones who may not have been consistent or hurt me, even my sweet sis has helped me many times… I don’t want to think about what should be done here and there. I don’t want to rely on my mind as my first problem solver.
I lean into my Spirit. I lean into my heart. I look for the answers there. Allah, the road ahead is daunting, but the road behind me is worse. I’m not giving up, but my will is weak, you hear? I feel tired and heartbroken. I was such a sweet little girl…
You say I have to fight for my life, but it doesn’t have to be hard. You say to keep fighting for my happiness. I have finally opened my eyes and seen how dark the world can be.
-And it is hard to see, I know. I am sorry. But there is light here, too, and you can do this. I will be here with you, aligned. Holding your hand. Your partner. You are not alone in this. Find your will inside of you and turn on the switch. Let’s not make this a fantasy anymore. Let’s make it a practice. Don’t believe your thoughts. You’ve got a lot of life in you yet. Embrace all of yourself, including your power and your magical heart. Embrace all of your luck. You are a lucky one, and that’s ok. Embrace the warrior in you who knows what to do to break free. We are breaking free now. At last. We are shifting to the place of Spirit. This is the answer you have been waiting for and avoiding. Align your will with your Spirit and take action. That is the easy way. Choose 100% and throw yourself into your choice. Even when you are sick. Even when you are weak. Especially when you are weak. I am with you. Every step of the way…
Thank you. Ameen.
Day 516
The Way Forward
All over the place. Not sure what to hold on to and what to let go of… where to focus my attention.
Here. In my body I am. Lots of pain here. Don’t feel bad for me. Pain is not always the enemy.
Don’t know what to write about. Been wanting to write for some time, but don’t do it for some reason or another.
Free association. What I want to to do is just get the words out of me, share something, touch the world outside of me.
My brother in other room, working. Me in America. Down South. In recovery. Traumatized. Sorry for myself. Attacks. They tell me to do more with my life. I have done a lot.
I am proud of myself.
They said I haven’t done enough, but I feel like I have. I have done what they did not. I went overseas, found and earned the support and sponsorship, helped mom rid her household of immediate danger, started work on a heal the world project, planted over 1400 cacao trees, trained community members on cacao farming and solidified the reclamation of my mom’s land, employed over 30 people, faced inner demons, created closure with the last love standing, got up every day and put in work…
My teeth are chattering. Lived with my mom for twelve times longer than I ever have in my adult life. Confronted lifetimes issues with her…
Fell in love with a demon and was brave and faithful enough to finally end codependent relational patterns.
Proved myself to myself… They say I did not do enough. I could be the president, they say, and change the world. Trees are not enough. I could be a billionaire. I am wasting my intelligence by planting farms for villagers in remote worlds.
They said I did not do enough. I am not enough. And I am flattered by their high expectations of me.
In America now, at a crossroads in life, I sit on a bed and feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to feel sorry for myself. Nobody else does. They think I am strong enough for everything. Or too lucky. Or whatever. But I feel sorry for myself, this sweet sweet girl with a great big soul. You’ve had it rough. They will say you have not had it like such and such who is suffering more, but don’t let them rain on your pity party. I will give you compassion at last.
You’ve had it rough. You are like an open wound born into a world of thorns, or so it feels. A vibrant, radiant wound…
I got distracted. Got horny. I never write about sexual things here, but hey… there you have it. I’m a woman of a certain age, the age where your sexual libido picks up bc your body is trying to make you have kids while you still can, but I don’t have sex. That is becoming problematic. That’s all I’m gonna say about that…
Considering not posting this blog because it’s disjointed, but I’m going to post it, no matter where it leads. I’ve been writing unposted blogs for the past month and also feeling bothered about not posting blogs for the past month.
Is it ok to be disjointed? Is it ok to not be enough? To have people looking at you like you’re a failure and you didn’t do what you could have done with your life? Is it ok to be horny as a dog but not have a man to have sex with? Is it ok to be sick or sad or poor or alone? Is it ok if people you want to be close to don’t want to be close to you? Or they don’t like you? Or, even worse, they try to hurt you? Is it ok if maybe you hurt someone and they won’t forgive you? Is it ok if you give your all, spend your last dime, do your best, follow the Guidance you get to your best ability, feel like you succeeded, and then someone looks at you from another perspective and tells you you didn’t do shit?
How does one be ok if your life is sorry? How does one move to higher ground? I am looking for the answer, but something deeper in me tells me that I already have the answer, and I am just sorting it out in words for you and me.
Yes, it is ok. We have been at this struggle for a while and we have finally come to this. It is ok. It is enough. Yes, you are enough. Yes, it is enough. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. You understand?
Something massive is shifting at last, and it’s ok. It’s ok if it’s taken a while. It’s ok if you’ve bumped your head over and over. It’s ok if you thought or they thought you would be better off by now. You’re not. It’s ok. Maybe you are. Probably you have gathered up enough life experience to learn a thing or two. Probably you are better off than someone else and worse off than someone else. It’s ok.
My Africa trip totally turned me out. I might have to write a book about everything that happened. I went deep. I literally went deep into the jungles of my ancestry, and figuratively, I did so as well. And I saw all the psychic residual stuff, painful stuff, and awesome stuff, that lives there. And I’m ok with it. I’m ok with being exactly where I am and having done exactly what I’ve done with my life.
I’m proud of myself for showing up. I’m proud of myself for finishing this blog post even though I know it’s all raggedy and disjointed. I’m proud of myself for learning compassion, finally, for my own self. I’m proud of myself for going there, for letting myself feel everything and giving myself an opportunity to heal at last. I don’t want to pretend like I’m gonna write this blog and then everything is going to suddenly work out abracadabra.
But I would like to acknowledge that much has already worked out. For me. And for you, too. You have come far. Forgive yourself for not being where you might have wanted to be. Or where your parents might have wanted you to be. Or where society might have wanted you to be. It’s ok. You’re still enough. Even a little ant has value and has a place in the world. Even now, at your worst, you still have inherent value as a human being. You don’t have to save the world or be the president or live the fairy tale life…
Maybe you will get there, probably you are getting there, on your way to your destiny, in it. Do you understand? The story ends when the story ends, but each chapter is a piece, an adventure, an episode on the road to the end. And each piece is a piece of your destiny. Each episode, even the sad ones, is you living your destiny. Life doesn’t start when you win the prize. All of the preparation, all of the sadness, the ugly parts, they are a part of the story.
Embrace them. Embrace all the things that you don’t want to know about who you are and where you have been. And know that you are enough.
And remember how the story ends. We win.
Bless you Always.
Sincerely,
Laydie Byrd
Day 515
Enough is Enough (We Win)
Hello. Good afternoon. Back. After month’s pause. Same American Embassy. Same keys that are hard to punch. Same amazing energy. It is true. Places have energy. Collective will. Something brightens places and darkens places. Here, it is bright. Progressive. Hopeful. Alive…
Here it is easy to love, write and have fun. I am interested in being here. My body relaxes. I am alive…
What is next? Shall I tell you what happened? I might write a book or movie about this time in my life, because it has been so eventful and I have been inside of a world that most people don’t get to experience. I’ve been and I am in Africa. I’ve never spoken about my race or my age on this blog, because I know that once I put those labels on myself, people will feel like they can or can’t relate to me.
I know you are surprised, those of you who thought we shared a common journey until you found out I was black just now, or right now, rather. I am black. My parents are from Africa, and I am still just as human as I was before you found out this information. I have been in Africa, in the heal the world country where my parents were born, for the past four months. It is a long, long story.
My mom moved out here almost a year ago to take care of her mom. Then a friend of mine – the last man standing in my heart – moved out here to accept a position with the new government here. Then, through this friend, one of my sisters got a meeting with the First Lady out here, and during and after the meeting, she told the First Lady and others that I would be coming to Africa to work on some development projects… Many years ago, me and several of my siblings had spoken of working on some development projects out here.
My mom came out to Africa and she was having a hard time adjusting. I could see that the stress was impacting her physical and mental health negatively. And so, for several reasons – to check on my mom, to give myself a chance to see if my friend was “The One”, and to start work on some development projects- I came to Africa last December. Stayed in the same bed with my mom for six weeks, left and went back to America for two weeks, and have been back in Africa for the past four months starting a cacao farm right on the land where my mom was born…
Why I chose to come here, to this heal the world country, at this particular time in my life and start a chocolate farm, only God knows. But here I am. I was committed to staying here until I put some cacao trees in the ground, and yesterday that mission was accomplished. In the midst of family members trying to sabotage my best efforts, children dying, a bee invasion at the place I’m living, sleeping and waking next to a mom who’s transitioning into old age and confronting lifetime issues with said mom, and the disappointment of my lovely friend not really giving our love a chance, I gathered and employed 36 people who walked about 2 miles into the African bush with me daily in order to brush a forest, map and peg out a plantation, dig holes, and finally plant some chocolate plants. We planted a little over 1400 cacao trees, 3 avocado trees, 2 soursop trees, and 2 plantain trees on the land where my mom was born. We stood in a circle and prayed and sang songs every day. My employees were the guys who everyone thought were the troublemakers in town, and women who had never worked a day in their lives.
My mom and I fought almost every day until we got tired of fighting each other. A new love interest came to help and I discovered that, although something healing and magical happened whenever he hugged me, he was not the person I wanted to be standing next to me when times got rough. And they did get rough during the planting… I lived through it all, smile in tact. I am proud of myself. I am grateful. I am no longer depressed…
I feel like I’ve been through an initiation or something. Like those stories you hear about people who would try and pass through the gates of the sphinxes, and the sphinxes would zap them and kill them if their heart wasn’t pure. I went through the gates. I found bravery and pure intent inside of me, and I became a hero. It was that serious. I know that in many instances, my life was on the line. When I lost courage, I had loved ones giving me encouragement and providing tangible support.
How did I get so lucky? A tinge of survivor’s guilt tries to steal the moment, and I lean into acceptance. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to success. I know it’s been a long time, but it’s been a long time coming. I can get used to success. I can get used to success… I choose to make a definite and firm decision to accept success.
I am not the same person I used to be. I keep being tempted to say I can’t believe it, but I have to train my brain to say “I can believe it.” I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe that I actually accomplished my Africa dream. I accept it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it.
I thought that I would inspire people to believe in themselves by giving them a tangible project where they could see results quickly. And that happened. What also happened is that I inspired myself to believe in myself. God took me through it. God made ways where I couldn’t see them. I learned to get deeply in touch with my intuition and rely on it. I learned to release resentments and recognize abuse at the onset. I was forced to take ownership of my project at the risk of hurting people’s feelings, or watch it fall apart and be sabotaged…
I am writing too much… What next? Energy is flowing through my lower back, seeking the hands of my Beloved. Spirit says it’s time to leave Africa for a while. Have is the word resonating with my soul. Work on transforming and transmuting my identity into someone who has. Make your life joyful. Make it a life worth celebrating… Life finally forced me into paying a $1300 overdue light bill. I am interested in being joyful and fearless… There is a fine line between doing what you think needs to be done to serve others and doing what you think needs to be done to meet your needs and make you come alive. I believe happiness comes if you can find the harmony between the two.
Even though I feel afraid, I am going to turn towards my fears and feed them with all the Love I can muster. I have been so sad for most of my life. A thought bubble tries to enter my awareness. “Anything is possible for you now. Take action on your inspiration, even when afraid… You are ready now. You have proven yourself to yourself, and I did not give you this magic and power for naught. You have My permission to LIVE! You have learned humility. You have learned patience. You have learned faith. You are beginning to accept your strength and power. Yes, you are a magician and your heart has qualified you to use the magic given. Relax into your bigness. Be bright now, baby. Be open and choose to Have. Accept. Have. Accept. Make a definite decision to have and accept your heart’s desire, even if you don’t know what that is. Have. Share. Have. Share. Have. Share… Have.” And so is life.
Ameen
Day 514
Have (Success)
Can’t write long, but haven’t posted in a while, so just wanted to get something out there.
I’m at the American Embassy in the heal the world country my parents are from. The keys on the computer are making a lot of noise as I type fast, and people are looking at me.
Thinking about money. Wondering how the people who give people jobs make money. The computer room is shutting down now.
I Love you. Thank you for being with me all these years, reading my thoughts, making me feel like I’m not alone in the world. Life gets better.
Take care,
Laydie
Day 513
Life Gets Better
I learned to Love my mother…
I’ve been out in the world living. Now I’m sitting at a Starbucks at one of my favorite parts of LA thinking about my next steps.
So much has happened in the past two months. Epic adventure. I went to my mother’s land. Across the ocean. Another country. Another way of life. A strange combination of the most beautiful and the most horrendous things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I Loved it there. I began the “heal the world” work that I’ve been wanting to do for so long. There is something about beginning…
I started planting a cacao farm. Twelve trees in the ground and one baby tree nursing. I organized with the local university to teach a film course this fall and also use some of the students from the course to work on the film that I’m shooting later this year. I did research for a book program and radio program and medical program that my family is working on.
And I spent six weeks sleeping on the same bed as my mother. That was the greatest part of the adventure. In her, I found the amazing power partner that I had been looking for for so long. She was there for me every step of the way. She was on my team wholly. She was my biggest fan and supporter and we went on wild road trips, slept in mansions, walked on beaches together, strategized and fought for our rights, and shared many laughs. It wasn’t easy. My mother and I are about as different in personalities as you can get. There were many moments that I felt all the things that I had previously felt with her – not accepted, not safe to express who I am fully, etc, etc. There were many moments where I didn’t particularly like her and I’m sure she didn’t particularly like me. But I managed not to fight with her or snap at her the whole time, and only once, in those whole six weeks, did I have an emotional meltdown. Only once, for about three days, did I get sick.
Mostly, I was full of joy while overseas. I was myself again. I haven’t been myself in so long. I was so happy. My skin was radiant. I was doing every blessed thing I wanted to do with my life. My boo the Advisor was there. He’s not my boo, but I’ll still call him that, because he Loves me even if he doesn’t want to. As God would have it, all the way across the ocean on a thirteen hour plane ride, in a country as far away from America as you can get, my boo lives a five minute drive away from where I was living. His brothers are good friends with one of my mom’s close family friends, and on one occasion, me and my mom ended up spending the night at one of his brother’s house, not through an intentional arrangement.
I left my heal the world homeland about a week ago and came back to my city of angels, LA. My original plan was not to go back overseas until May. But when arrived at my LA apartment, I came home to a roof that had fallen in due to the rain. There was a big hole in my roof and water was dripping from it. It smelled like mold and mildew in the house…
All of my old friends were here, most of them men whom I had either dated or whom have wanted to date me forever and it never happened… Everything looks different here in LA. All of a sudden I want to take care of my sweet mamma. She ain’t that sweet, but she’s sweet enough to want to be around sometimes. All of a sudden, I want to joke around with my grandma and hear her tell me stories. I want to hang out with some little kids every now and then.
And as fate would have it, my lead farmer called me today and said that he wanted to implement a phase of the cacao farm – planting 400 seeds, ASAP. My mom can be there to supervise it, but I would love to be there. Don’t ask me how or why I became a farmer. Almost every plant I’ve ever had has died. But I Love these cacao plants. They feel like my babies. I want to love them and give them safe spaces to grow. Cacao takes about three to ten years to come into maturity, and me, Mrs. Afraid of commitment, I, am actually excited about sitting around for about three to ten years and watching something grow.
I know. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. Why did I thrive so much in a country that has many more challenges and much less opportunity than the country I live in? I think it was because I had what I needed over there. I had real, deep love that doesn’t abandon. I had a partner who is going to get up every day and get it done. I had a community that I was living life with, whether I wanted to or not. I had enough fine men to look at to keep my passion and my girly playful side excited. I had time and space to pray and meditate. I had sun and water and fresh food. It was enough. And Truth be told, I could have all of those things right here in LA, but I just haven’t created them yet…
So the question is, what to do next? Where to go next? We are somewhere else is consciousness. I have become a new person since I left LA. I became myself. I experienced being myself, and I think I must say, it was the best month of my life thus far… I was in my true place. I was a patient, Loving, Joyful, Creative, honest, integruous leader. I am still in my True Place, but this is the part where I start to plant seeds. It is planting season, and I am looking for the perfect place to nurse this baby of a new identity whom I am becoming. Where will I get the right amount of nutrients that I need? Where can I grow strong? Where can I express the fullness of who I am? Where can I experience the fullness of Love.
God, you tell me that I am finally asking the right questions. I’ve been drifting for many years, not fully excited about much in my life besides relationships. Now, I feel like I am in my body at last. I can feel. I feel excitement. I feel love. I feel disappointment. Maybe there is an awesome job for me overseas… Maybe I can make money. Can I finish out all of my LA business at last? Can I be completely free and clear at last? I have been afraid of being free and clear but freedom is finding me nonetheless and I believe that this is what they call Grace.
So, I am finding the place to nurse this new life that is birthing in me. After I have nurtured it in the womb of my soul, I will put it in the best natural environment, root it at last, in a place where it will blossom and thrive. God be with me. I know you are always with me. I am willing to be everything that you have created me to be. I am choosing to give me all to this seed of a life that has been dying to express for so long. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you thank you so much for keeping me alive. It’s Planting Season.
Ameen. Ameen. Amen.
Oh. Btw. I spoke with my mom today. This past six weeks is the most time she and I have spent together consistently in my whole adult life. We usually don’t spend more than two weeks together. My mom told me that she’s finally getting to know me, and she sees that I am a leader. A leader who brings joy wherever I go. It is the best thing that could ever happen to me. To feel Loved and seen by my mom. Thank You so much, Allah.
Ameen.
Day 512
Planting Season (Healing Roots)
