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Hi- What this Blog is About

Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.

I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”

I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.

You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.

So I think it’s best that I write this blog…

Where This Comes From

In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry,  I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.

I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later,  in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.

I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…

We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…

Why This Comes

My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.

It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing.  Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …

Structure

This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections.  It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and  “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.

It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…

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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…

Day 479 – As A Woman

Kwame is dead. A little silver bead fell out of my purse just now. It is a piece of an earring that my friend Kwame bought for me many years ago. I remember the day. Spontaneous. We were walking around and there was a little make-shift marketplace and someone was selling jewelry. “Do you want something?” he asked, and bought me these cute silver-plated earrings that had one simple bead on them. After some years, I lost the earrings, and even lost the other bead, but this one bead just fell out of my purse reminding me of him. He died a couple of months ago. He was lovely and he lived his life to the fullest.

I am wondering what it is like wherever he is, if there is a wherever he is. Can he see me sitting here thinking of him and typing on my computer? What would he say to me? What kind of advice would he give about living a life?

Today I had to decide whether to give someone who screwed me over a second chance. This guy was supposed to sublet my apartment. He said he was going to put a certain amount of money in my account. I was relying on this money to pay certain bills by a certain time, and I told him so. He said he had put the money in my account, but when I checked it wasn’t there. I reached out to him and he didn’t respond by the bill due time. Then, hours later, after I had told him I’m taking back my offer to sublet my place to him, he responded and apologized, saying some kind of way, there was a mistake and the money transfer didn’t go through. It is possible that it was a mistake, and that he thought the transfer had gone through and that he just fell asleep and didn’t wake up this morning until after the time that the bill was due. And it’s possible that he’s straight faced lying to me and that he knew that money didn’t go through (or maybe didn’t even send it), and then didn’t know what to say to me this morning.

He’s going through a hard time, and he essentially begged me to please let him sublet my place. He had already shown me that he would leave me in a compromising position, whether he did it on purpose or not. But what if it was a mistake? What would Kwame say?

Kwame would say that if it was his bill due, he would have made sure that the money went through. Kwame would say to move on with my life now. He would say that I can help someone else who’s going through a hard time. Help someone who at least will show me some consideration. We are always trying to save the assholes. Why not help someone nice?

Things are moving fast and quick decisions and action has to happen now. This is the end of a life I had, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit sentimental about it. I am at another crossroads. Another starting point. This old life will no longer do.

What is missing in my life is Love. Not so much that I am needing to be Loved. I am always Loved. I finally see that. What is needed is for me to share the deep Love that I have in my heart. What is needed is for me to share the deep self that I am. What is needed is for me to now take my rightful place in the world and in my community.

I’ve had enough of living by myself. I’ve had enough of selfishness and sadness and being less than the powerful Lover of humanity that I am. I came here to make a great contribution to the world and it is time that I do it. I came here to fly and be such a beautiful light. “Give what you have,” You whisper to my spirit.

My friend Matsemala whispers to me to love someone. I will Love my mamma for now. She needs it and I want to give it to her. I want her to feel Loved and cared for and special and appreciated. I know how to do that for another person now. I know how to Love myself and keep myself safe. I Love myself therefore I trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, and I don’t trust people who have broken my trust unless they earn it back. Such a simple concept that took me so long to learn…

I am grateful in this moment. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have my heart in tact. I am grateful to know that good days and bad days come and go and everything can’t be understood or explained away. Sometimes you don’t know why a particular thing happened. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not.

What you can do, though – no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how horrible you feel, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made or how many times you’ve shot yourself in the foot – what you can do is try again. Learn from your past. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

I feel like I finally learned something with this sublet situation. I finally decided just not to create agreements with people who screw me over and show no intention of changing their behavior. Seems like a no brainer, but for most of my life, I’ve been trying to forgive assholes and help make them better people. I think holding them accountable for their bullshit behavior and let them have consequences for their actions helps them much better people instead of letting them continue to use people.

Before that situation, a lovely married man who is separated from his wife tried to date me. He was lovely and very sweet and very kind. And he was never ever going to marry me. Because he’s married. -_-

I decided not to get involved with his unavailable, cheating ass, and I think my decision helped him learn a lot about Love.

I decided not to be Phillip’s pawn anymore. He doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t want to come my way. He doesn’t want to go away. He wants to hold me hostage so he can do as he pleases with me when he pleases. But I want to Love and be Loved and build a life with someone who wants to build a life with me. So we have a conflict of interest. And he can kiss my nuts (if I had any), coming around trying to play with sacred Love like it’s a game…

That’s where we are, good people of the world. I’m feeling myself a bit, but I think I deserve it. I have been so small and so beat down by everything for so long… I have given my precious Love to so many people who could care less about me, and even people who would try to hurt me on purpose, for so long… I have not done my part in the world. I haven’t shared all the Love in my heart. I can hold assholes accountable for being assholes and still Love them. That is possible…

I am realizing as I sit in this library, that I haven’t stood up in my own shoes yet. There are so many lessons that I have learned on this Earth sojourn, but I haven’t integrated them into my living yet. I have been blessed with a lot, and I’m just now realizing that I know better. I know better than to be in bullshit relationships. I know better than to be poor. I know better than to not share love with my family and anyone who comes my way. I know better than to let people use me just because.

It is time to integrate all of the wisdom that I have gathered and breathe life into the new personality that is me as a full grown woman. I am a full grown woman now, even though parts of me are still the scared little girl who wants to fit in. We can coexist. We can be humble and confident at the same time. We can be scared and still take action that is wise. We can be disciplined yet loving. We can be powerful and yet not arrogant. We can be giving and yet not let people deplete us and use us. We know how. We know how.

Calling all parts of me to join together as we walk now in the world as a woman. As a woman. Strong, beautiful, soft, loving, kind, bold, safe, creative, taking action for the betterment of human kind and for the delighting of my heart. I am a woman now, y’all. I am a woman. ❤

Day 479
As A Woman

Day 478 – Allowing

Hey. I can honestly say that life is magical.

One day, you are full of doubt and the next you are full of conviction and faith. Not going to write too much, because I’m going to do a lot of work today.

Don’t want to share too many details, but want to share something I came upon about allowing and accepting the good. About having things now and not always looking for something in the future.

It’s been a long time that I’ve been in this vortex called struggle and sadness. You get used to it. And you start believing that your dreams are just dreams. Just down the street, someone is living the life that you have begun to think is impossible for you. Literally, just down the street.

In the past couple of weeks, I made it out of the vortex. I got a glimpse of life outside of sadness and struggle, and I realized that I wasn’t used to it. I had to (and have to) keep telling myself that I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I realized that I had begun to believe that I couldn’t have the things I had always dreamed of, and I had to go back in my mind and change what I believe.

I decided that if I didn’t really believe in anything, I could at least be willing to allow for the possibility of good things, and that’s where I started. I started telling myself that it’s possible. It is possible that going back into the world could be safe. And it’s possible that other people and environments can be life enhancing and nourishing. And it is also possible that other people could understand me and even help me have a better understanding of myself. It’s possible that others could accept me as I am without judgement. It is possible that others in the world could fight for me and defend me instead of trying to hurt and use me, and it’s also possible that I could be able to fight for and protect and defend myself when needed…

Just because I haven’t experienced certain things doesn’t mean they’re not possible. I could wrap my mind around possibilities, and I kept affirming them to myself. I had been traumatized, you know. I didn’t realize it, but I had been traumatized a long time ago, and I had all of these beliefs about the world that were making me afraid to go out and be back in the working world again, and making me afraid to come close to people. Granted, my beliefs were formed because of the experiences that I’d had with others, but I at least could understand that just because I had been hurt in certain ways didn’t mean that I would always be hurt in those ways by everyone.

I planted possibilities in my mind. And then, when I could say that things are possible for me and there wasn’t too much dissonance, I realized that there is a level above possibility. There is allowance. And this is a thing I want to write about. I went back to my affirmations, and realized that although I could believe certain things were possible, I wasn’t really willing to have them.

I mean, they felt more safe out there and not here with me. And so I started affirm that I allow. I allow myself to be safe out there in the working world. I allow other people and environments to be life enhancing and nourishing. I allow other people to understand me even better than I understand myself. I allow myself to connect with others and be as loving as I want to be and still be safe… I allow. I allow myself to be filthy rich and have all of my needs met till the end of time. I allow. I allow myself to be Loved and seen and known as good. I allow myself to be free, and yes, I allow myself to be lucky. I allow life to be easy. And joyful. Yes. I allow. I allow life to be joyful. I allow my life to be full of joy and love. I allow myself to have. To own. To have. To own. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self. Oh, yes. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self.

This is the prayer that I want to share with you. A prayer of allowance and acceptance. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow my life to be better than I ever imagined it to be. Yes. I allow. Now. Today. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. Today. Today. Today.

Ameen

Day 478
Allowing

Day 477 – When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

So… I’m bored out of my mind. My phone rings from someone who is inevitably going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do or say something to chastise or guilt me because I’m not doing what they want…

I am feeling sad, but I want to write something good. Tough summer. First summer in a long time that I didn’t skip town or do anything that brings me much joy. Besides my brief week of summer Love with Phillip, this summer has been full of me being swept into my family vortex mostly and fighting for balance and stability in my mind and body.

Today I went to my spiritual center, and the sermon was beautiful. The speaker spoke about us giving our gifts to the world. For the past couple of years, I have been flooded with this philosophy of life. I’m sure there’s a name for it. Basically, the philosophy is that we all have a unique purpose and mission here on Earth, and our job here is to figure it out what that mission is, and then do it. Sounds easy. Also in this philosophy is the belief that you will discover your mission by being really honest about what your true dreams, gifts and capacities are. They also say that it is possible to have all of your needs met, to live your dream life and to be happy. They say that we humans are One, all connected to each other, and they understand the omnipresence of God to mean that God is not just a big man in the sky, but that God exists in every living thing, for He wouldn’t be omnipresent if he were not in humans as well. And he’s not a he. Or a she. Or an it. He’s a he and a she and an it.

The most disturbing thing about this philosophy is the belief that your dreams can come true. If you have been struggling for a while and around you, all you see is people who have given up on their dreams, tried and failed, or never even dared to dream them, and you are included in that bunch, then sometimes it is hard to really invest your time into trying to make a dream come true. Because you don’t really believe it will happen. So you focus on the things you know you can control: a job that pays bills, a relationship that is not necessarily fulfilling but at least keeps you from being alone, etc. etc.

So I am here. In Panera Bread… A friend is texting me. I don’t have so many friends, but I love the few that I have. They are loving, kind, strong people, and they have been here journeying with me, keeping me from drowning, and showering me with love when I need it. Today a friend is texting me, “You are always on my mind and holding space in prayer for you all the time. You are blessed.”

I guess that’s what I needed to hear right about now, before I write this blog down a deep, dark tunnel. Thank you, God. The truth of the matter is, I am in doubt. Not totally despairing, but doubting whether or not any of my dreams will come true. Doubting whether I’m really supposed to be a writer and whether any of my projects will ever see the light of day. Doubting if I’ll ever have this magical loving relationship that I dream of and kids. Wondering if I’ll do anything to help people around the world live their dream lives. Can’t even imagine living in a house somewhere surrounded by green things with loving, open people around. Can’t imagine success and joy. Questioning whether I should keep going down this path or just give up.

It has been hard, Allah. It has been hard to know that I will never have my mother’s approval if I choose to practice the spiritual path I really believe in. It has been hard being rejected and abandoned by men I love. Seeing and accepting things as they are has been hard for me. I have been lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people. I have the food and they eat, and that is fine, except I become depleted and it has been hard to find sources of nourishment that can feed me like I need.

So here we are. I knew the title of this blog before I started writing. I am in doubt, and I want to figure out what to do about it. I long for a very different experience of life, but I doubt whether I will be able to create and have it. And I don’t know what to do. This past month, I have literally been sitting with chattering teeth, shaky legs, headaches, so many tears and such pain and sadness from facing things. I guess there’s only three things to do when in doubt: move forward, move backwards, or stay still.

You made all of these promises, Allah, in your books and through your prophets and people, but what if they aren’t true? What if I follow my heart and spirit and end up like I’ve been ending up – rejected, abandoned, alone, hated on… in pain?

I think what you do when in doubt is choose. The only thing you ever can do is choose. I am a single woman. In my thirties. Living in the middle of one of the saddest cities in the world. I have a little money in the bank, a few degrees, a lot of different work skills, a cute shape, a loving heart, and a soothing voice.

What I am deciding in this moment is whether or not to finish and submit this project that could either change my life or make me feel like a failure again. I could finish this project or I could not… Truth of the matter is, the things we learn in my spiritual center sound too good to be true. I don’t believe them wholeheartedly, even though I want to. But I don’t believe that we are here on this Earth just to eek out a meagre existence and try not to die and learn how to cope with our pains either.

Here in Panera Bread, I am making a decision – again. How will I do it, God? What will I say when my mom tries to guilt me for not sacrificing my dreams to take care of someone who doesn’t need me? How will I make it through the loneliness and find the strength to get up and take action when I don’t know where it will lead? How will I believe?

And you say to me, take it slow. Let’s do this week, OK? I don’t have to believe. The thing is, I haven’t given up. I can choose to give up, but my stubborn heart won’t let me. If I’m going to be on this path, then commit and be on this path. That’s it. It the same message over and over. Choose and commit. So again, I choose. This week, take action. Take the actions that have been goading you. Take action. Make a plan. Implement. Take action. That’s it. You don’t have to believe. As you walk, you will see that it gets easier. So walk, my baby. Now is the time to have a new experience of life. Walk, my baby. Walk…

Day 477
When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

Day 476 – Focus

I failed… I was supposed to finish a writing project by yesterday, but I didn’t. My writing bud finished her project.

I haven’t wanted to write. Haven’t been able to write. Been mad at writing. Been mad at me and mad at the world. Being pushed around in a vortex of things that have nothing to do with what I want. Perhaps I could change my perspective and make everything that has happened have everything to do with what I want, but that’s not the point.

If I’m being honest, everything that has happened is everything that was needed for me to grow. I’ve been a punk. Been being bullied by the will of the world, and yesterday, I realized that I have to put my own will into the equation or nothing will ever change.

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. I will start in the present. I am at home. In LA. In my apartment at a table in the corner. To my left, there are my wall windows with a view of some trees in the courtyard and the parking lot. To my right is my wall heater and a book shelf. I’m feeling crazy and I’m going to go and light some sage and light an incense before I continue writing…

Burnt the sage and incense and then got caught up on two phone calls before I came back to computer. Burning more sage and incense… OK. Back to my writing…

I am pushing through. There is a part of me that wants to get off this computer, curl up into a fetus position, burst out crying and call it a day. There is a part of me that wants to run out to the ocean and just keep running or find some man or some silliness to distract me so that I don’t have to feel all of the craziness that I’m feeling. And there is a part of me that wants to push through these feelings and do something good with my life.

I’m choosing the part that wants to do something good with my life, but it’s hard. My family thinks I’m selfish or that I’m crazy or that I’m whatever. I have been all caught up in my family vortex for almost a month, and to no one’s real benefit. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about them, being with them, participating in, planning or orchestrating one event or the other, talking to them, giving rides, watching news or whatever with them. I come home trembling and crying. I don’t always even know the reason why.

I want them to approve of me. I want them to like me. I want them to say I am good. I want them to care about me and help me with things that are hard for me. But mostly they do not. Mostly they think that – no matter what is going on in my life – my life is easy and their life is hard and I should be the one doing the caring and helping…

I let my writing buddy down. I let myself down. I got caught up in this vortex, and now I am here, writing for the first time in a week.

Here is the pattern: life goes good, then get caught up in something. Family. Man. Money. Fear. Then get depressed and/or sick. Fall down. Stay down for a while. Repeat. This time, a new element has been added to the pattern. We are at the end of the fall down stay down for a while part, and i am thinking about the getting back up, but I don’t want to do these same things again. I don’t want to live this same pattern or this same life anymore…

I am grateful for a moment to escape the vortex and think my own thoughts, God. I will start with accepting what I don’t and do have. I went out into the world this past month with eyes open, and it was painful to see what all is there. I am a tough cookie, but my real self is a butterfly. I am both, and I can be strong when needed, but I long for a place where I don’t have to be strong. Where I can be soft and kindness will be given regardless. I long for a place where I can be open and people won’t use me because I am giving. I long for an experience of being seen and being held and being taken care of, even if I am undeserving. Because I know in the course of my lifetime, I must have done some things good. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not a destroyer. I am a person who breaths life into others on purpose, and I went into the world hoping to find the experience of others who do the same. And I found it. And I didn’t. Mostly I found that the world was the same as it had always been, but I had never noticed the pain and the sadness that was so prevalent everywhere before… Mostly I noticed that I had grown a lot…

My family is texting me asking me what time I’m coming over to celebrate my niece’s birthday. Geez Louise… Do you know what I want to do? I want to sort myself out. I want to get my shit together. I don’t really want to be in the family vortex right now. It mostly takes me away from everything I want to do. Is that selfish? They are mad at me. For having free time. For spending my free time writing or doing whatever the heck I want to do instead of dedicating my life to hanging out with them or doing whatever they want to do. They don’t really believe that this writing thing I do is important. They don’t really believe that I’m going to make it. And I can’t blame them. They’ve never known anyone make it in the arts, and I’ve been doing this thing for a while and haven’t “made it” yet, so why would they believe that at some point I’m going to have a $500,000+ check for some random story that I made out of my head? Why would they believe that I could have any of the things I ever dreamed of when I’ve never had it?

I ask myself the same question and have to concede that I am slightly insane to believe that I could live a life that is so rare – a dream life. And I have to be real with myself. That’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I’m writing this blog. Because I am a middle aged woman with nothing but choice. OK. That’s the truth. I have a little money in a bank account, a car, an apartment in my name in LA, a writing power partner, two very supportive friends, one kind of supportive friend, an old Mac computer, and angels who come and go into my life. I have the family I was born into. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are assholes. Somehow I am deeply bound to all of them whether I like it or not.

Right now, I am torn between the desire to go and hang out with my niece, help make her birthday exciting and fun, and also see my sis and her baby and make them feel like I love them and they are important. I can do that, or I can stay home and sort my brain and all these feelings out, and clean up my apartment, and find a way to make some income next week and actually work on completing this potential $500,000 script. I can’t do both. But even as I write this blog, I feel a tingling in my hands and I feel guilty about not going towards my family and helping them.

And this has been bothering me. This thing that I’m supposed to be there for people has been bothering me, because I realize I can’t be there for them and finish my work in the time that I’ve planned to. Not now. Not with these particular people. And if I don’t finish my work in the time that I’ve planned my money will run out and I will have to go back into survival mode and pick any old job. And I’m not sure if I’ll have the willpower or the faith to focus on my dreams if I don’t do it now. Honestly, if I don’t do it now, while I have nothing distracting me but other people’s lives, I don’t think I’ll believe that I have what it takes to do it…

So here we are. With this long ass blog. And it is leading me somewhere, but it is up to me where it takes me. It can take me deep into depression or it can find the way out into something new. The ocean, the bed, or the unknown. These are my choices… Stopped writing and did one of my Feminine Power practices, one where you get in touch with what you’re feeling and what you need.

I choose to move forward into the unknown. I choose to move forward into a new experience of life. I’ve tasted it in Phillip’s hug. I’ve tasted it with some of my family members sometimes. I’ve tasted it in seminars and at certain people’s houses. I’ve felt it in Hawaii. I’ve seen it in others: a place of goodness and peace. A place of harmony. A place of safety and power. A place where there is no punishment for success and happiness. I know it exists, and I know that once I am there, I will help lift others up. That is what I’m here for, after all. But I’ve got to get there. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at happiness. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at peace. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at health, and I know what to do.

What is needed is a refocusing, a realigning, and a choosing. My hands shake. I accept. This is where I am. Sometimes the help I want comes from the places I want it from, and sometimes pain comes from the places where I would have liked Love. I accept. Sometimes I am gifted in ways I couldn’t imagine. I accept. Sometimes I am a gift in ways I never tried to be. I accept. My jaw trembles and my teeth chatter. I accept. A healing is taking place, a breaking through. I accept. I am powerful. I accept. I am fragile. I accept. I am good and I am bad and sometimes none of it makes sense. I accept. I am connected to everything outside of me and I am responsible for everything inside of me. I accept.

Use wisdom now, You tell me through my friends. Sort yourself out. Accept what you have and don’t have. Choose and know that choosing one thing means not choosing another. Sometimes you can have both, but sometimes you can’t have rest and be active. Choose the choices needed to live your destiny. Choose to live your destiny. Now you focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. Not selfish. Focus. Different. Focus. Communicate. Some will understand. Some will not. Some will help. Some will hate. Focus. Do not judge them for the role they play. Focus. Allow. Accept. Surrender. Focus. Do you see the place where peace exists? Can you feel it even now? Focus, communicate and let it go. Now, with Me, hand in hand, we plan the next steps and we take them. Plan and walk. That is our way for now. Plan and walk. Plan and walk. And focus. Things will come your way. Discern. You must be a wise one now, for you are a wise one now. Plan and walk and focus. And goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life. And you shall dwell in My house forever… Ameen.

Day 476
Focus

Day 475 – The Road Forward (Choose)

It occurs to me that the world does not stop turning, even if you stop moving, and if you stop moving and the world is still turning, you are in fact moving backwards…

These days have been moving fast, and I have been being pushed along with them. There are many tears in me still. Some of them, I don’t even know why they come. But they don’t feel so sad and heavy like they used to. Isn’t it funny that people cry when they are happy and also when they are sad?

These tears are not happy or sad. They are movement tears. I don’t have words for them, but they feel like a release.

So many things have happened in these past few weeks that I don’t even know what to hone in on. Two teenagers, my niece and nephew are coming into town today and they will bring their beautiful innocence and hope with them… What do you, feel, my Inner Voice asks, and I feel hope and Love and a bit of grief. What do you need, It asks, and I need hope and Love.

I’m not quite confused. I don’t know what this feeling is that I’m having. I don’t know where this place is that I’m at. I’ve never been here before. But that if I write it down, I will figure it out.

What is happening is movement. Not completely, but I scrubbed the walls that I’ve been meaning to scrub for years. I scrubbed the floors. I washed the clothes and the curtains and the cabinet linings. There’s more to do, but this little bit was monumental for me, because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I finished braiding my hair. Finished the last module in my Feminine Power course. Saw My Kind on the street this weekend. Spent time with an old friend. Spent time with mom and family. Was supposed to meet up with a friend who always flakes on me to talk about how he always flakes on me, but he flaked on the meeting after having me walk through pissy smells and homeless people to meet him at a train station that he wasn’t at. It’s kind of funny when I write it. My flaky friend flaked on the meeting we were supposed to have about his flakiness. Hehe. Had a conversation with Phillip, wherein he told me (again) that he’s going through so much stuff in his life and is unavailable for any kind of romantic relationship and he’s sorry for hanging out with me this past month because he shouldn’t have even spent any time with me, knowing that he’s unavailable for a relationship. -_-

I’m just that awesome that he couldn’t resist my company… -_-

I think that is what I’m thinking about most. Phillip and My Kind. And my writing. I’ve been going strong. Over 25 days of consistent progress on my projects. Life possible. Writing possible. Had another convo with a friend who wants me to go into business with her. That’s another blog entry, though.

In my mind, I see a road moving forward. And then I see all these things on the side. Phillip and My Kind and some of my relationships are on the side. It’s not that they’re good or bad. It’s just that they are on the side, you see. They are ok to stop and chat with for a time, but they are not on the road that goes where I want to go.

It dawned on me that all of these painful relationships are silly now. That I know better now. It is entirely possible to just meet a good man who is available and who just likes me exactly as I am, who champions me and helps me in the areas where I am weak instead of criticizing me and leaving me to die. It is entirely possible to be held and lifted and loved by someone who wants to do exactly that for me. It is entirely possible to meet someone who is open to receiving the gifts I have to give and who appreciates those things. It is entirely possible that there is some man on this planet who makes me feel better when I’m with him, and I make him feel better when he’s with me. I know these things are possible and all of the other things are just silly now. Once upon a time, I didn’t know. I was so caught up in so much pain that I couldn’t see what was good for me. I didn’t believe that I could have any of the things I dreamed of, and I was so alone… I didn’t know that I had power. I had the power to create things and have a say in how I would like things to go. They don’t teach women these things… And once upon a time, not too long ago, I didn’t know that good things were possible for me.

But I know it now. And knowing it, I have to do life different… I knew I’d get to the point of this blog eventually. The point is, I know better now. I know better than to be engaging with some guy who has told me in no uncertain terms that he ain’t looking for no woman… I know better than to let sad things sit in my heart too long without addressing them. It’s time to integrate all of this stuff I’ve been learning over the years. I know better…

A man from my past is texting me as I type this blog. Random. Met him over seven years ago. Went out on a few dates. Found out he was on drugs, heavy. Disqualified. Ran into him randomly the other day as I was driving in my mom’s neighborhood. He’s not on drugs anymore. Go figure. Now he’s texting me telling me that he got some new clothes so that he can look presentable when we meet up… Random.

But I see You, God. The truth of the matter is, Love shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. It isn’t. We are so afraid of so many good things. We are so afraid of being hurt, and so we hold back our love, manipulate, lie, aren’t present, don’t give, guard our hearts, do so many silly things to the ones we love, aren’t there for each other, don’t support one another… And we put up with so much shit. Giving pearls to swine. I finally understand that term. Offering our lives and hearts to ones who never said or showed that they would take good care of us. I am guilty of it all. Being the perpetrator and the victim.

But now I know better. I just do. And what I know is that we don’t control much, but we do have a choice on some things. And we can choose: forward or backwards. Love or not Love. Move or stay still. Open or close. Circle or line. Create or destroy. Take responsibility or give away power. We can choose these things. Avoid or confront. Move forward. Move forward. Move forward… Towards your real dreams. Not someone else’s dream for you. Your own dream. You can have it. It may take some time. It may take some work. And I am telling you before having anything, but I have some things. I have tears that do not hurt for once in my life. I have a clear mind for once and I didn’t always have this. I have a clean apartment. It’s small but it’s huge. I have my sense of self back. I have my spirit in my body. And I have hope and Love in my belly, the very things I need to take my next step.

Move forward… You can have your dreams. You can choose.

Day 475
The Road Forward (Choose)

Day 474 – The Beautiful Things

Sometimes, like now, You remind me that life is good even when it doesn’t look that way.

We have been riding this wave, mostly struggling to stay on top of the water, sometimes almost drowning, on occasion swimming, and on blessed moments floating on our backs like we do in Hawaii, letting ourselves be carried easily by You.

And You remind me, on days like today, that as long as we are alive, there is hope and life can be good.

I met with my writing bud today. She is actually my power partner. First of all, she is a she. Anyone who knows me knows that most of my friends are he’s. But I’ve been trying really hard to make some she friends. And for the past few months, I’ve been looking for a power partner. A power partner is someone who stands with you and helps you move forward on an understood vision for your life. It is a reciprocal relationship wherein the two of you provide tangible support, encouragement and feedback to one another. The foundation of these kinds of relationships has to be harmony. You can’t have any bad energy towards one another. Also, you must be at a similar place in life. I’m not talking about your socioeconomic status, but I’m talking about the level of commitment you are willing and able to make. The two of you must be willing and able to commit to take the necessary actions that will lead you towards the having and the becoming of your vision.

So I took this Feminine Power course. I started it months ago. And the part of the course that really resonated with me the most was this concept of having a power partner. My lonely behind had been going it all alone, and I was really excited about the prospect of having someone on my team and having someone who would actually accept my support without resenting me for helping them.

I reached out to friends. I reached out to family. I reached out to men. But folks were either not willing or not able to do the power partner thing. They’d either say no, or they’d say yes and then not answer my phone calls, or cancel meet ups, or not do whatever work we were supposed to do, or make the relationship one-sided, as in I help them with everything and then when I start talking or needing help, they aren’t there… One professional lady that I reached out to just flat out ignored my request for some months…

I gave up on the power partner idea, and reached out for a writing bud instead. I just put an ad on one of my social media groups saying that I was looking for a writing partner. And I met this lady. I wrote about her before. She’s awesome. I mean, she’s a flawed human being like all of us, but she’s awesome to me.

Today she treated me to lunch. And do you know why? We had made this 21 day writing commitment and both of us were doing really well. And yesterday she said she wanted to treat me to lunch to show her appreciation for me being so supportive. I hadn’t done anything unusual. I had done the normal type of stuff that I do with most of my relationships: share resources, help where I can, give feedback. But I do believe that I can count on one hand the number of times that anyone has done anything for me to show their appreciation for me just being me and doing the things I do naturally. Mostly people criticize me and ask me why I’m not doing or being something more…

It was a good feeling. It was an awesome feeling. At our lunch meeting, we talked about next steps for our writing progress, and then I realized it. She is my power partner. We have the dynamic and are doing everything that power partners do. And I am excited to not be alone in this, Allah.

It has been lonely being me. I didn’t even realize it, but I have been lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I am always surrounded by people. I have a huge family and enough friends, but I had been missing a thing that I didn’t even know I was missing.

In most of my relationships, there is a harshness, a wall, something disingenuous, some unresolved gripe that no one will tell me about, a guardedness, a pull… someone wanting me to be or do something I’m not being or doing and resenting me for it.

This feeling – the feeling of being appreciated and valued just because I do what I do naturally; someone expressing that to me and not coupling it with a frown or an attack on the way I eat or a request for me to do something I don’t want to do; someone encouraging me to do better and believing that I can and will without criticism; someone asking what I need and being willing to help when they find out the answer; someone not competing with me and wanting to offer something to my life and being able to offer; someone not resenting me or feeling bad or jealous when I do well… a female especially??? This is new stuff.

And I’m grateful for it.

So many other things have happened since my last entry. My Phillip love has gone back to the crazy land of being unavailable to have any of the things he wants. We talked. He told me his life was a wreck and that he was in no position to court a woman the way he would want to court a woman. He told me he kept his distance from me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I wanted to say, “No! You can be available right now. Just decide to be. You won’t hurt me.” Or I wanted to find all the ways I could to convince him to be a part of my life here and now. But I didn’t. I decided that maybe he was unavailable, or maybe he was just unavailable to me, and the right woman would open up his heart and mind and the right man would recognize me as the right woman for him.

I cried. He was so beautiful. If I’m being honest, I do believe I saw him in a dream some years ago. He didn’t give me enough or receive enough from me for me to miss him, but I miss the idea that he incited. I miss the energy that he aroused. This concept of man and woman bringing each other alive had been dormant in me before he hugged me. In his hug, I understood that somewhere on the planet, there is a species of men that actually intend to protect women and offer us safe arms. I felt it. I felt his intention. It was such a short moment, but it was real. And just like today, it was something I’d only ever dreamed of, but hadn’t experienced much as an adult.

And I am amazed and humbled by all of the beautiful things in life that I am just beginning to experience and know about. And I am grateful for this glimpse into another world, this respite that you have given me, Allah. I am so grateful.

Ameen.

Day 474
The Beautiful Things

Day 473 – Sun and Clouds

I’ve been so busy. I told myself I’m going to learn how to have a social life and be productive at the same time, and well… I’m still learning. Although I must say, I have been being productive in areas of character and emotion.

There’s so much to write about. I can’t write it all right now, but I want to get some things out before I head out for the day. Clouds, enveloping, pass. Know that the sun is always there. And the moment arrives when the wind blows a certain way and allows for you to see that there is hope. The sun still shines. All along, it has been shining. Look for it. Wait for it. Pray for it. The sun still shines behind the clouds. The sun still shines…

Day 473
Sun and Clouds