Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
So… Well… Where to start? I’m at a Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. It’s 8:35am. Went to an early morning yoga class, did some stretches at the park, and then I wasn’t sure what to do about my day. I’m at a crossroads. Major. The first time in my adult life that I’ve been at a crossroads and I recognize it for the crossroads that it is. In one direction, there is more of the same. In the other direction, there is everything that I’ve never known.
I am choosing the other direction. I won’t speak about the fear. It is there. But more than fear, there is desperation. More than fear, there is the knowingness that I can no longer do more of the same with my life. I can no longer be a nonentity, full of Love and full of ideas and full of so much joy and sharing it with no one fully. I can no longer be a lonely single woman living in a box with wooden floors in the middle of LA, barely making rent every month, finishing nothing, and being sad all the time.
In the Coffee Bean, there are rich people talking about rich things. I came and sat at what I thought was a quiet corner, but a loud couple came and sat next to me, and they are being loud and loudly chatting up everyone who passes them by. Please leave. Please leave now. The acoustics in this corner echo..
What was I writing about? What do I want to write about?
I want to write about many things. Power, Love and life. A couple of weeks ago, my sis and I went to an intimate concert. There was this lady there that really liked us. She came and sat by us and spoke about how powerful we are. Said she practiced Reiki and could see auras and that we were the most powerful things in the room. Then she asked, “What are you going to do with all that power?”…
For some reason, for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about Love and death. My uncle died the other day. I didn’t know him too well, but I knew his daughter, my cousin, very well and spent my teenage years with her. What comes to mind is how little Love I’ve shared in my life. What crosses my mind is how much Love I want to share.
The world can be so cold and dark. So many people are suffering. The ironic thing is, most of us are suffering from the same thing: a lack of love, a lack of a sense of belonging, an inability to have the life we sometimes don’t even dare to dream of. You would think that, with so many people wanting the same things, more of us would have figured out how to have it and how to help others have it. I think that’s what I would like to do with my life. Help people have more love. Help people have a sense of belonging. Help people at least have an inkling of the life they dare to dream of.
I have a lot of cleaning up to do. Still… There are relationships in my life that are still sitting there taking up energy with their unresolved issues.
I don’t have any answers, understand? How do you go from a single, middle-aged broke lady in the middle of LA with very few fulfilling personal relationships and no finished projects and no real religion to the image that I have of myself in my head? A world leader. A happy, Loved wife and mother who only has good relationships with my biological family and who has amazing friends and colleagues who band together and support each other in living better and better lives. Super rich. So rich that I pay people to manage my money. Prolific in my projects and inventions. A spiritual healer or saint of sorts who has a sure sense of my spiritual path and my sense of belonging in the world.
These are my dreams. I haven’t given up on them yet. I can’t. I know, people give up on their dreams every day, but I can’t. The little bit of crazy in me won’t let me. I’d rather die than live a life of the walking dead.
But how to get from where I am now to where I want to be, where I know I should be. My mind can’t figure anything out. My mind has all these plots and plans in it, but there is a part of me that is more than my mind… This is where it gets crazy. There is a part of me that I know exists. Call it Spirit if you want. It is more than my mind. It has saved me and informed me on more than one occasion when I have listened to it. It edges me on and tells me to listen to it now.
There is no way I’m going to reconstruct my life without it. It tells me to do all the things that I’m so afraid to do: reach out to all these people, write letters, just do all this stuff. Travel all these places when I haven’t even paid all of my bills for the month…
So today, since shit else has worked, and since I’m not giving up on myself, I’m going to listen to it. I’m going to listen to my Spirit and go where it leads me. It says to stop writing this blog now and do other things, so here I go. Wish me luck, my Loves. What am I gonna do with all this power? With all this Love? With all this Life? I don’t know… I’m going to surrender and see what happens. Wish me luck my Loves. Wish me luck…
Day 496
What Are You Gonna Do (With All that Power/Love/Life)?
I just deleted the post I put up yesterday…
I’m supposed to be working on a script, but it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been deeply in touch with my inner world. My writing partner/house guest left this morning, and I just want to take a moment to process and set a clear intention before I move on to the next thing.
I wrote a blog badmouthing him yesterday. Everything I said was true, but, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel good about saying it, so I took it down.
I went through a thing with him. It wasn’t his fault. Whatever we went through seemed to represent my relational dynamics with most people in my life – up until this point. I saw the pattern clear. God brought stinky feet and everything that I can’t stand and shoved it in my face to deal with.
All the anger and unforgiveness that I had been harboring inside of me for so many things for so many years – even anger and unforgiveness for myself – came to the surface and was released. All the patterns were made crystal clear.
I was mad at myself because I have spent so many years being a martyr. I was mad at myself because I had spent so much time giving my time and energy towards people and causes that couldn’t refuel me even if they wanted to. I was mad at everyone who ever looked at me as their hero, or their source for progress, and latched onto me for the express purpose of being saved by me, and never thought once to care for me in the process. And I was full of unforgiveness.
That was yesterday, and this is today. Today I am full of gratitude. There was a heaviness, like a weight in my brain and in my body, and it has been lifted. Today, life doesn’t feel hard. Oh, I am still right here at the beginning with so many unknowns, but what I know is that I am going somewhere better than where I came from, and knowledge is enough for me to keep walking and taking action.
In me, there is a seed of joy and Love that wants to express and flower. It is like the seed was always there trying to find good place to take root. And finally, finally, it has found a space in me where it can be rooted and grow. And it is ready to blossom already.
I’ll give my old friend fear a break. Matter of fact, I’ll give my old friend fear some Love. I’m sure my wild ass would have been dead without it. And so I am grateful for the fear that kept me safe. I no longer need you to keep me safe anymore, fear. I will keep myself safe with Love. I will keep myself safe by Loving myself and taking action that reflects that Love. I finally understand. I finally get it.
I don’t want to talk too much about this idea because it’s fairly new to me, but martyrdom ain’t it. Martyrdom is not the way. You end up dead and then nobody wins. I hear my good friend Matsemala’s spirit speaking to me from the other side. He says it’s time to do work now. It’s time to create. It’s time to be Blessed.
Take that focus. Take that energy that I so willingly give away to any and everything all willy nilly, and give to the nurturing of the seed that has been planted. Give birth at last to something True. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Be a Blessing. Be Blessed.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 495
For the Martyrs (Be Blessed) (The Energy of Love)
It’s been a dark day… A dark month… A dark six months… Hell, it’s mostly been a dark ten years if I’m being honest. The Decade of Darkness, I’ll call it.
The Lord hath said it is time for an end. The decade of darkness shall end today. Lord, if you will hold my hand, I am choosing the Light now. I am choosing to step into the light…
A friend of mine was supposed to come out to visit – my writing bud. We have this major opportunity that presented itself, and I’ve been so unstable and overwhelmed lately that I didn’t think I would be able to rise to the occasion if I didn’t have someone here with me, and so I asked him to come, so we could just help motivate each other and knock this project out and finally move on to the next level of our lives… He has had a dark decade as well.
I made the request on Sunday, and by Monday morning, he said he’d be here on Tuesday. Then by Monday night, he said he’d be here on Wednesday. And finally, today, he said that something had come up, an opportunity for another one of his projects in the city he lives in, and he would be here on this upcoming Sunday.
I was distraught. You see, when he said he was coming, I imagined myself like one of those people in the video games, or like a character from “Ready Player One”. I had found the last key. I could finally unlock my life and move on to the next level.
I had found a bonafide power partner. Someone who would be here for me. Someone who wouldn’t tap out when things got rough and someone who had the guts to go for his dream all the way. Someone who wouldn’t get jealous of me when I started succeeding. Someone who truly cared about other people and was willing to put his money where his mouth was. Someone who could be kind and honest… I thought I had found a power partner at last. He wasn’t a woman, like my Feminine Power course had suggested, but nonetheless, he qualified and he was coming!
And then he wasn’t. And now I don’t know if he will. I don’t know if I want him to. The moment has passed. He didn’t come, and honestly, I am angry with him and disappointed with him for not taking the action that he knew he should have taken, for letting his mind and fears get in the way, and for not being there for me in the way that I really needed. “How much support do you need?” my hater under supported friend asked me not too long ago.
Truth be told, I will survive. But I’m not sure if anything else outside of survival happens all on one’s own. I know. We are not supposed to say this, especially not in America. We are supposed to say that we can do everything on our own and that we’ve done everything on our own, and I’ve touted that story for most of my life, but I don’t believe it anymore.
And my mind says, “well just believe it again”, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t want it anymore… I have been searching for a power partner since I heard about the concept in a course I took called Feminine Power over a year ago. A power partner is like a vision holder. It is someone who stands with you and stands for you and helps you step into whatever vision you have for yourself. There is harmony and love between you and them. You stand with and for them and do the same thing for them as well. In the Feminine Power course (which is created and taught by Claire Zammit), there are three keys to unlocking Feminine Power and creating the life of your dreams, living your destiny and helping to change the world.
1. Get into your true identity and align your behaviors with true identity
2. Get into an empowered relationship with God as a co-creator
3. Get into an empowered relationship with the collective field and find you a power partner.
I have been working hard on the first two, but still haven’t found a power partner, and last night when I thought my writing bud was coming, it felt like I had the third key in my hand…
It’s 2:35am. I’m at my alma mater in the computer lab, because I had to do some work and I knew it wasn’t going to get done if I stayed at home. There is a man in my life who I’m breaking up. I’ve broken up with, but he still says he’s my man, and he’s still around and now we just be mean to each and dig deeper into all the reasons we don’t need to be together without really talking about it.
Today, he made a comment as to how it would be nice if I essentially got my life together and had something good to talk about sometimes. That has been on my mind. I have many poems to write about it. “Fair Weather Men”. “Good Time Girl”. “Talk to Me When You Get It Together”. “Lift Your Vibe if You Want to Vibe”… There is an epidemic of spiritually “conscious” people who think being conscious means only surrounding yourself with “happy” people and only pretending to be happy all the time, and not really dealing with any negative emotions, and definitely not being in the presence of anyone who expresses negative emotions. I had the inclination to tell him about himself in a passive-aggressive poem that would hit him straight in the gut. Of course, I know all about him. He never told me, but I could tell him why he’s never had a successful relationship and all the ways he’s just not good boyfriend or spouse material. I’m pretty sure no one he’s cared much about has ever told him these things, because he doesn’t really get close enough to anyone for them to see these sides of him…
I have a way of bringing out the monsters and the shadows. I’ve made peace with that part of myself. But I still want to write a poem to this guy. I’d like to do something different. For once, I don’t want to be that girl. That girl that recognizes all the shit you’ve got going on and tells you about yourself. I want to flip it. I don’t want to be a liar, either, and act like it’s ok to just be someone who only wants to hang out with folks when stuff is good. But what I know is that he doesn’t want to be that person, either. He’s wanted to be better for quite some time… He’s just too invested in his false identity to do anything different.
This blog may be long because I have a lot to write about. I hope you’ll bear with through these bad, sad times. I don’t want to cover them up and not write about them, and you know why? Because so many people don’t talk or write about the sad and bad times, and then other people feel like something is totally wrong with them for having negative emotions… Because I can be an asshole and I have a fighting spirit, and because some kind of way I’m compassionate, too, and I ask people questions like, “How do you fee?” I am very privy to the deep, dark feelings of many. And many have very deep, dark feelings that they just don’t share.
We keep them bottled in until we get sick as dogs and our hands start trembling and our lives fall apart and we get diagnosed with psych issues. And then, finally, we confront our shadows when confronting them is our only option to survive. We are, indeed, survivors. But how can we thrive?
Underneath the Shadow
Underneath the shadow is the bridge that leads us home
Not saying you should stay and witness demons exorcised.
You might get hurt, and you must survive.
But underneath the shadow, my light remains
I, too, wish to see the sun.
I, too, wish to speak of ease and joy
And, oh!
To feel the safety of arms unafraid
of gnashing
phantom
teeth
Not saying you should stick around and see the ugliness of butterfly birth
But when this time passes
And my shadow becomes lighter and lighter as I spread my wings
higher and higher
Know I will remember you
And I forgive your missight
I will remember Love you shared when you could see my light
And I will Bless you with my butterfly wings on your darkest days…
I Love you.
I am here to spread the Light.
I have always been…
Day 494
Underneath the Shadow
It’s my birthday, and I thought I was going to write a post about miracles, but instead I have another story. Going to see if I can make this story a post about miracles before the day is over.
But let me tell you what happened. I’m sitting in a hotel room. A beautiful room. A lake outside in view. My sister is in the shower. She came into town yesterday because both of us thought our lives were going to change.
My sister is in the business of real estate. Earlier this week, I received a text message and call from a guy named David. I know two guys named David. One of them I know professionally, and one of them I haven’t spoken to in eight years.
My sister just got out of the shower and said I don’t have the luxury to contemplate every little abuse unless I want to stay in the house all day… Hmmm… lol!
But I digress. I’m going to tell this story, and then I’m going to go on with my day and have a good birthday. David told me that his neighbor, an 87-yr-old man, was getting rid of all his assets so that he could qualify for a medical program. The old man was selling 5 houses, valued at $600,000 to $900,000 for $50,000 a piece. David asked me if I would like to buy one. I immediately reached out to my sister, and I told David that I would see if I could get some people to loan me the money I needed so that both me and my sister could get a house each.
My dreams were coming true. Me and David talked all week about the houses. I started thinking about what life would be like if I owned a home on another part of town. I thought about what I’d do with all the money I made: I’d finish all my writing projects and actually make them into movies. I’d sublet the apartment I have now so that I could have passive income. I’d take a loan out against my $900k house and use the money to buy several other houses at the auction, sell them until I profited $900k times 9, and keep one house as a rental property. I’d rent out a room in the house I was in, and thereby have at least $7,000 a month in passive income. I would go down south and buy a house and start one of my heal the world projects, where I rent out rooms to college students and give them the support they need to realize their dreams. I’d get started on manufacturing two of the inventions that I have, inventions that will help make the world a better place. I’d find a community of support so that I could keep working on my creative projects and make it fun. I’d buy a nice new wardrobe and shoes that are comfortable, which I’ve needed for a long time. I’d get into the group cellular cleansing program that I’ve wanted to get into for some time. I’d pay off all my college loans and every single ounce of debt I’ve ever had. I’d fix the dents in my magic car… And I would paint and decorate and bless my new home with so much Love….
I’d take a picture in front of my new house and post it on Facebook. The caption would read, “The best birthday gift ever. Miracles of God are real”….
Well, you’ve probably guessed by now that me and my sis didn’t get the houses we thought we were going to buy. My sister flew into town yesterday in order to give the money and sign the paperwork for her house. She and I had tapped into all the resources we could find, dipped into savings, loaned, borrowed and begged in order to get this money to invest in an opportunity that would change our lives forever. We were in constant communication with David. We went to the bank to get my sister’s money out. She was giving $20,000 in cash – all of her savings – and getting a loan for the remainder of the $30,000. We were to meet David and the old man at one of the houses, and then go to the court house to sign off on all paperwork.
So David sends the address where we should meet. As we drive up, we realize that it’s a Home Depot. David says that we are meeting there in order for him to get some lumber that he’s supposed to give to the old man, and that all four of us will meet there, and then we’ll drive to the house. So, me and my sister arrive. David is not there. It’s almost 4p.
David calls and says that he’s running late, but he needs to pick up the lumber from his friend before his friend gets off at 4p. He asks if we can pick up the lumber for him, and we say yes.
So his friend, who says his name is Brian, comes out of the store and tells us where to park. David is on the phone with us. Brian tells David that the lumber costs $21,600, and all he needs is the money and he’ll give us the lumber… You know where this is going. David tries to convince us to give his friend $20,000, and as soon as he arrives he will give us our $20k back. He asks his friend to loan the other $1,600. His friend agrees.
My sister is the one who has the $20,000 and the pressure is on her. She is not feeling comfortable with giving this dude $20k in exchange for some lumber, on the promise that David is going to come through and pay us back. She and David go back and forth on the phone until finally she agrees, but she says that she is going to walk with the Home Depot guy into the store, and if the guy tries to run off with our money, she and I are going to tackle him. When the Home Depot guy hears this, he gets very nervous. His hands start shaking and he tells David to hear what we said.
David gets on the speaker phone and we agree on how we are going to do the money/wood transfer. I’m about to hand over the money to the Home Depot guy, who says he is the manager of the store, but then I think, “What would I do if this was my money?” I tell the Home Depot guy to hold on. I’m going to make a phone call. I call Home Depot and ask them for the name of the manager of the store. While I am on the phone asking for the name of the manager, and while my sister is standing outside of the car, preparing to walk with the Home Depot guy into the store, the Home Depot guy tells us to hold on. He says he is going to go into the store and figure out if there is a way for him to get us the lumber without us having to pay the $20k up front.
He walks into the store. We call David. David’s number is disconnected…
We make a report to Home Depot. We call the police to try and report the scam, but the police says that since we weren’t actually scammed – we didn’t give the guy the money – no crime was committed, and they get so many instances like ours that they don’t file a report unless a crime was committed. The police agree to send an escort out so that my sis can put her money back in the bank without us getting robbed by David and his goons on the way…
We could have gone back to my apartment afterwards, but I have a stupid roommate who is living there, who hasn’t spoken to me in at least two weeks, since I gave him his notice to move-out. So my sister used her hotel points for us to come spend the night escaping the tragedy that happened yesterday.
And here I am. On my birthday. There is no house and no Facebook pic talking about the goodness of God. Instead, there are feelings of sadness and betrayal, questions about the nature of life and reality. I am wondering if there is really a war between good and evil in the world or if there is no good and no evil. I am trying to make sense of all the things that don’t make sense to me, but they are still not making sense to me.
I thought I was getting a miracle gift for my birthday, but instead I got my hopes up higher than ever for my life and ended up almost getting scammed. My sister almost got scammed for all of her savings and it would have been my fault. And now, I am wondering what I should say about this birthday.
My life is back to what it was before the thought of miraculous change. What if I allow for a miracle gift anyway? I do have the luxury to contemplate every little abuse, and I believe that, for me, it’s necessary to deal with things as they arise, otherwise they will eat me up inside, but I can let this abuse go now. That is what I will do now. For my birthday. Choose.
That is the only gift we always have. Choice. I can choose to let this little abuse, and every other little abuse go. That is the miracle that I am allowing for on this day. To hold fast to the goodness of God. To be strong in a different kind of way. To keep my hopes up higher than ever before and take action on the vision that my scammers allowed to be real for me. To let every little abuse be an opportunity to let go, to grow and to accept the miraculous change that pulls me ever forward… Amen… Happy Birthday to me.
Day 493
Every Little Abuse (The Luxury to Contemplate)
Lord have mercy. My heart is all over the place. I’m procrastinating a bit. I think I’m having a bit of anxiety. About moving forward… I need help, God. Sometimes the emotional stuff that happens is too heavy for me to bear on my own. I need a friend. I really need a true friend.
I am in the library and some old man is looking at me with interest. I want to scream. I am tired of old men looking at me with interest. AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!
So, what happened since my last blog entry is that I spoke with three different people. The first was a guy who I’ve been flirting with for over 8 years. Many moons ago, we worked a customer service type job together. There was chemistry between us, but he was living with his ex-girlfriend and I was in limbo because my boyfriend Dream Lover had disappeared off of the face of the Earth and had been MIA for about four months… As I think about this, I’m thinking, “What a load of shit. How you gon’ be someone’s boyfriend and speak all these promises to them and then just drop off the face of the Earth?”. But I digress. I met this guy at work. We liked each other but we never pursued each other because we both had too much going on in our lives. After a while, he decides he’s moving to New York to be a musician. He packs his bags and leaves. After he gets to New York, he calls me and tells me about how much he’s into me, asks if I’d be willing to come out to New York to be with him. I tell him I’ll consider it. He becomes unreachable by phone for the next week. I get mad at him for being unreachable and send him an angry email. He sends me an angry email back and then stops responding to any of my attempts to contact him. For six years. A couple years ago, he finally responded to a message I sent him. We talked and apologized about stuff. He says he’s still into me, but he’s always dating someone out in NY. I’m always dating but not dating someone in LA…
I realize that I’m always dating but not dating someone in LA, and this pattern of always having some kind of man around who is covertly trying to be my man while I ignore the fact that he’s covertly trying to be my man because I just want some company and don’t want to be alone actually gets in the way of me really being in a relationship with anyone. There are too many “man doors” open in my life. Anyone serious about me doesn’t think I’m serious about them, and if I’m being really honest with myself, I can see why. I can see that I’ve been dating but not dating many of the men I call friends. I’m not having sex with them, but I’m acting like their girlfriend. They’re acting like my boyfriend. They’re making romantic plans for me, and I’m acting like I don’t know about it and hoping they never say anything out loud so we can keep hanging out together, and all the while the energy remains. The pulling. The guilt… So, the other day, I decided that I was going to either break up with or commit to all of my non-boyfriends.
I should tell you that this is a very hard thing for me to do, because there’s no one else in my life. There’s no one else here. Yes, I have family, but my family is far away and most of them are either not willing or not able to give the emotional support I need in my life. They have their own lives and their own beliefs about living life with people. In spite of my mother’s best preachings that we should be there for each other as siblings, we ultimately from her actions to not ask people for help and to give help from a distance, but not to live life with anyone except for our husbands/wives and kids. We also learned to trust no outsiders. When you grow up and get married, outsiders are now anyone outside of your new family, including sibs…
I am feeling sad, Allah. I don’t want to write about this stuff, but I’m going to write about it because it’s making my heart heavy and I need to let it go.
So, there is no one in my life who I’m particularly close to except for my non-boyfriends. My women friends are gone. We grew apart, meaning I grew and they became insecure and jealous. I don’t know how to feel about all these things. I don’t know what to do about all these things. I want to reach out to my female friends and say, “Hey! Come be my friend. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to go places with. I need someone to do all my myriad self-help programs with and eat dinner with,” but I know that they don’t want to listen to whatever it is I have to say. They need someone to talk to and just want someone who’s going to listen to them blab on and on about themselves. They are not going to go any place with me just because I need company. They only go places they want to go when they want to go. They are not going to do any self-help programs with me because they don’t want to, and they are not going to eat dinner with me, because that’s more intimacy than they can handle. But they are going to want me to jump, hop and skip and do all those things with and for them when they get the notion. And to add insult to injury, they’re going to get jealous and maybe even try to mess me over if I tell them that anything good is going on with me. And yet I have deep bonds with these women. And yet I Love them. And yet a part of me misses them, but I don’t really believe that they have the capacity to be good friends, so I stay away in my little lonely bubble… And I am not at peace with that decision, either.
I am wondering if I should continue writing this blog. It is already too long and there is much more to say.
Yes, Spirit says, go ahead and finish writing.
So. If I get rid of all my non-boyfriends, then I have no one here. No support. My family will probably send me money if I need it, but no emotional support. No one to live life with. No one who champions me. No one to share my successes with. No one whose presence is comforting… If I keep my non-boyfriends around, though, and don’t make a decision to actually close those doors, I know that I will never have a real boyfriend, much less a husband.
I wonder if I really want a husband. I wonder if I want anything. This is where the rabbit hole goes when I feel low…
I was praying the other day and asking for guidance on so many things, and the message I got was, “Follow the energy of Love.”
My birthday is coming up next week, and if I dump my non-boyfriends before then, then I might not have anyone do anything for me for my birthday. LOL! These are real considerations.
But back to the story. The three things that have happened since my last entry. Young Blood (what I’m calling the guy I mentioned before because he’s young). We talked about being together. Long talk. Talked about coming or going to visit each other so we could see if things could work out. Talked about how we have this chemistry between us that could possibly mean that either of us are “the one”. Got somewhat excited. Texted each other and said we’d see each other within a month, but then I said my prayers. And everything changed. “Follow the energy of Love” was the message I kept receiving. “Open your heart and follow your heart.” I looked at Young Blood. The energy of Love wasn’t there. Sure, he could be a great guy and is a great guy, but right now he is bitter and closed up. Right now he is running away from being in relationship with anyone. And yes, I could do like the movies and go towards him and maybe if I love him enough, he will learn to trust and open up and we could have something magical, but the whole endeavor feels exhausting. I’m not interested anymore, but I haven’t told him yet. Emotional blow #1.
Number 2. Yesterday I got a message from someone close to me. This person is the person whom I had a big blow-out with in February. We had this blow-out because I agreed to help this person with something for an amount of time. Our communication wasn’t clear when we made the agreement, and I thought the amount of time that I was supposed to help was shorter than the amount of time that she thought. When I realized we had a misunderstanding or the commitment, I didn’t address it with her. Instead, I addressed it with her partner because I was scared of her and didn’t want to confront her. When her partner told her about my misunderstanding, long story short, she made new plans to find help and then told everyone that I was going to bail out on her and forced her to make new plans and the situation just escalated and escalated. It ended up with a physical altercation and me ending the help arrangement. Me and said person have spoken since our situation in February, but our relationship hasn’t been healed. In my opinion, she only sees me as a tool for her use and doesn’t give a shit about me, or anyone else for that matter. She only cares about other people when she’s feeling bored, which is hardly ever. So anyway, this person reached out to me yesterday and asked me to do something for her. She ain’t checked on me since I left the help situation. She ain’t called to see how I’m doing. I can literally count on two fingers the amount of times she has ever just called to offer anything to me, even a word of advice, and I have known her many, many years… I am angry and hurt. I don’t want to do shit for her. This is the truth. I also wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I knew how to forgive all the way, but I don’t think that’s the problem. I think the problem is, what happens after you forgive? What happens after you forgive people and they are still assholes, but you still love them and you still want to be a part of their life? That’s the real question. She’s still an asshole. She will still try and use you if you come too close. She will still feel like her problems are more important than yours, no matter how bad off you are, and she will still ask you for shit and treat you bad while you’re helping her. And although working in tandem with her might help both of us grow in ways, I’m not really interested. I don’t think she’s interested in me being her teacher right now, and I’m not really interested in her being mine. I’m interested in Love, reciprocity and harmony. For some reason, she is interested in me being there for her. She wants me to approve of her, Spirit whispers to me. She wants me to forgive her wholly. She wants me to know that even though she is about as selfish as they come, she loves me as much as she can… She wants me to accept that. I will work on it
Third situation. Went to get a massage yesterday. One of my non-boyfriends, whom I actually intentionally dated some years ago, is a massage therapist. The Old Prophet. He made it to this blog many years ago. We only dated a few months, and have been broken up for about three years, and we’ve made peace with each other since then. He works at this store where he gives massages, and every now and then I go there and get a massage from him. Yesterday I went to get a massage, and he had just gotten done packing up. I ran into him in the parking lot. He started looking at me all funny and when I asked him what was going on, he said, he was thinking about the way things could have been between us. He’s dating and living with another woman now, but he said that he had waited a long time for me before he got in another relationship. He said that I was everything he was looking for in a woman, and in his whole life, he has never had a deeper connection with another woman. We talked about our lives, and this is what broke something in my feelings. He said, that, for where I am in my life, what I need is support. He said, that when we were together, he had been saving up money so that we could move in together and he could pay for everything while he supported me in my career… It broke me down in tears and I am in tears now because what he said is so true. He understood. He was always good at understanding the deeper things. I needed support. I need support. So many people look at support as usury, and it is usury when it is usury, but I am not talking about usury.
We were taught not to ask for things. How dare I think that I deserve to just have some random person come up in my house and help me clean and help me cook and help me sort out my papers and be with me to help encourage me to write and hold me when I cry and listen to me when I talk about my day and celebrate me when I do cool stuff and celebrate me even when I don’t do cool stuff and go places with me and do other things that I can’t even think of.
We were taught that we are the givers of these things. It sounds so backwards when I write it down. We were taught that we are the ones that are supposed to do these things for other people, but if we have other people do it for us, or, God forbid, if we actually seek out other people just so they can do these things for us, we are usurious bastards and we are bad people.
I don’t know how I feel about all of these beliefs I was implanted with. Some of them have not served me well. I’m not even mad at the people who did the seeding. They believed what they believed in order to survive in this world… But the Old Prophet understood. The reason he and I didn’t make it very far in our relationship at the time was that he was an asshole. I met him right around the time I had started getting sick, and he had so many fears about being used, etc. etc. that he didn’t really help much with my sick issues and was really mean to me at the time. He has grown since then, but it is too late for us. He is still willing to let his pride or other considerations get in the way of being there for me when I’m in need. But, he has grown…
Those three incidents kind of busted my happy bubble and got me all caught up with tears again. As I write, the tears are leaving and my head and heart are getting clear.
I need support. I need to accept and forgive and heal from the things in the past. Oh yeah. In addition to my non-boyfriends, I have one guy that I’m actually dating. It is understood between the two of us that I’m actually getting to know him with the possibility of being his woman. But he messed around and fell in love with me the other day. I saw it in his eyes. And I’m not in love with him. And I don’t know if he’s “the one”. I think he’s more not “the one” than “the one”, but I’m not sure. But I don’t want to lead him on and/or hurt him, because regardless if he is “the one”, he has been good to me and deserves Love. I want to keep him safe, God. How do I proceed?
Mind blown on any answers on much, but asking the questions and writing it out have at least gotten rid of the hurting of my chest and made me aware of what I need. I need Love. I need support. I need to give Love. I need to give support. I need to heal and forgive completely and let go of all these attachments to my non-boyfriends from the past and shift relational dynamics where possibly. I need to intend harmony with all my relations… Tall order, Indeed. I’m committed, though. I’m really committed to moving forward and I will listen, God. I will follow. I will follow… I will follow the energy of Love.
Day 492
The Energy of Love (Support)
Hey. I’m at the writer’s library in LA. I didn’t really sleep last night. Spent the night doing a writing session with my writing partner until the wee hours, and then went out to my yoga class at 4am, then went to the park and stretched and exercised, meditated, read my daily uplifting book, ate breakfast, parked in front of the writer’s library, took about an hour nap in my car, and voila! Here I am.
It’s 11:30am and I want to write about time, focus and energy. I can’t keep up with all the events that happen in my life from day to day, but the other day, I had a profound realization: I choose most of them.
I haven’t worked a 9 to five job in three years. Two of those three years, I was sick and almost completely nonfunctional, so I won’t count that time. But for about a year, I have been relatively healthy, and I have not worked a 9 to 5 job or generally worried about how I will eat, and in this past year, I have been so ridiculously busy and my life has been full of so much activity that it doesn’t even make sense. You see, I wake up in the morning and decide exactly what I want to do with my day.
If I wanted, I could watch TV all day. I could learn gardening or ballet. I could work at a thrift store, like I did last week. I could get involved in a relationship and have sex all day or browse the internet. I could do yoga or decide I want to write script and movies and stories and blogs. I could skip cities or states or countries and move in with some family member or friend somewhere… The list goes on and on and on… The other day I realized that I am just ridiculously busy, and I had to pause and ask myself what I’m doing with my time.
In her 21 day meditation program that just ended, Oprah recommends that you spend time doing what lifts you up and what bring you love… Most of us don’t realize that we have this choice.
We can literally stop what we’re doing, unplug from the nightmare that is our life, and do something different with our time; doing something slower; do something that lifts us up and brings us Love; do something that makes us feel like we have lived a life well spent…
I came to this realization the other day. The spell over my life has been broken, and I see so many things, so many erroneous choices I’ve made.
How shall I spend my life now? What should I do with this time? Do you know what I want to do the most? Love somebody. I’m not even necessarily talking about a man. I’m talking about anyone who will receive this love without punching me or recoiling. I finally discovered my superpower: Love. I remember, sometime in my youth, I was a very Loving and caring girl. Life put a spell on me and made me forget, but I remember now.
I don’t want to be running back and forth to and fro, fighting people and being alone. I want to Love people. I want people to Love me. I want to laugh like a giddy little girl, like my nieces and nephews laugh when they are having fun. I want my heart to be free for this part of my life. Forgive everyone.
And yes, I want to give stuff to the world. Cool stuff. Fun stories. Things that excite people and make them marvel and think and want to live. Inventions. Spaces that create connection. I want to leave a piece of my heart here when I die. I didn’t know that I was a prolific artist, writer and entrepreneur. It has taken me so long to know who I am and what I came here to do. I guess if I hadn’t experienced so much pain early on, then I wouldn’t be able to see how much pain so many others are in, and how much we are all lacking in Love.
I want to start over. I want to pack my bags and go somewhere where my heart will be received. I want to partner with someone(s) who understand where I’m coming from, who know that there is just no more time to be running to and fro, making a mess of our lives. I want to hold hands with someone fearless who can quit a job and not fall apart. I am just now thinking of all these thoughts as I’m sitting in the writer’s library, and tears are streaming down my face.
How will I transform my lonely, miserly life into these words I’m writing? I know, it’s a tall order, especially starting from where I’m starting, but I’m going to start. I didn’t know that I had so much to give and share with the world. I thought I was a nothing, you see? But I’m not.
I’ve got so much Love to share. I’ve got so much Love to give. I finally get it. I’ve got so many brilliant ideas, and I’m ready now… It’s time to Live.
Day 491
Time, Focus and Energy (Time To Live)
My mind is all jumbled up and I’ve been procrastinating for the past three hours or so. There’s so much to do… Feel like the lady from the glass menagerie. Real stuff.
Not quite sure how I feel. Not quite sure what I think. Only know that I am unmoored. Nothing like I used to be. I think I have lived about four years worth of life in these past four months. It has not been easy. It has been hard. The hardest ever. On the outside, my life looks easy. I travel a lot. I always seem to have money and food and I have a decent sized apartment by myself in a newly gentrified area of Los Angeles. There is always some man around taking me out on dates.
Inside, though, I have been suffering. I have been confused. I have not known how to deal with all of the grief I’ve been experiencing these past few months. I don’t know how to rebuild after the storm. And the worst part of it all, which I am discovering, is that nobody knows.
Something happens to grown-ups when we reach a certain age. Somewhere between 22 and 28, and for some people much sooner, we forget. We forget everything. Someone breaks our hearts. We suffer some deep disappointment, and we stop. We stop being honest. We stop Loving. We forget about everything that we wanted to do with our lives. Our mantra becomes survival. And this lasts for a while. For some people survival is a mantra for life. But for most, there comes a time when something happens and you see that there is more to life than survival and you have to make a choice, which is where I am. I have to make a choice. And it’s a hard choice. I have to choose to live or die. Rather, it is not a choice of living or dying, but a choice of surviving or thriving.
I am looking at my life, and looking at all I have done with this time on Earth, and I am not satisfied.
I am in my dirty thirties, and although I can congratulate myself for some things, mostly I am not satisfied with what I have done with my time on Earth. Where did all the time go? It is like I have been under a spell for many, many years, just going to and fro. And I look around, and so many people are under their own spells, just going to and fro, trying to survive. Hurting each other all along the way. I look around at the world, and most of us are very small, scared creatures. Even myself.
I have been a very small, scared creature, too. I am brave in my own way. I have been brave, too, but I have not broken free from my deepest fears. Until now. I am just beginning to break free. How do you break free, though, God? How does one break free? I miss my friends. I want to call them, tell them happy birthday, see them, help them, spend time with them, but whenever I do, I am brought back to the darkness that was us. I want to call my sis, ask her how she’s doing, but she will be just as guarded and suspicious as she’s always been and probably ask me to do something for her… I want to go and hang out with my favorite best friend, but he can’t help himself. He find a way to betray me and look at me like he’s just tasted a bad thing. I want to do my nails with my female friend, but I know that after about thirty minutes, she will dive deep into her neuroses and begin comparing herself with everyone, start smoking up a storm, and then look at me like her food while I suffer. I want to go and walk on the grass with my angel of a friend, but he will fall in Love with me and I won’t marry him, so I choose not to lead him on.
And this is where we are today. Alone. I have been here a while. I just didn’t know it. And I am thinking of rebuilding, but I am trying to build a thing on my own and so few people know how to build it – Love. Fulfillment. Happiness.
Take me where the giants are, Allah. Is it all a lie? These books I read about Love and happiness and peace and fulfillment. Is it all a lie? Take me where the giants are. I am tired of this little, small life. I need help. Take me where the giants are. The man I met – the abusive one – he had the right idea, but the wrong execution, and he was abusive. But he understood something most people don’t. He understood how hard it is – how deep you have to go – how real you have to go if you really want to change your life.
Allah, I am petitioning you. I know You know the way. I know you know the answer. My little, small life won’t do anymore. The other day, I looked at a man and thought about how much I would like to Love someone. Just be there for someone. Breathe life into him. Give him a safe space to call home. Not just anyone, though. Not these stupid busters who don’t understand what it is to Love and appreciate a diamond. Someone special. Someone kind. Someone integrous. That is the word for the day. That is what I seek to be. Integrous. Integrous. Integrous…
I am tired of holding all this baggage in my heart. I am tired of all the sadness and confusion. I am tired of being so small. When I say small, I am not talking about my influence in the world or my money. I am talking about my Love. I am talking about how little I Love. How did my big, big heart become such a small and closed up thing, with so little going in and so little going out? How can I Love all these assholes that I used to call friends? From a distance, You say. Love them by letting them go and letting them grow…
Sometimes I wonder if the voices in my head are from God or if I’m just making it all up. I view life like the character on Life of Pi. I don’t know what is true or what is not true. All I know is that I have to pick something. Choose something. You understand? It doesn’t matter if the Guidance I hear comes from God or it comes from the voices in my head. I choose to follow the Guidance I receive from within. It is a dangerous choice, I know. There are books and religions and so many things that have come before me with so much Guidance. And sometimes the voices in my head lead me to those books and those religions…
Something in me feels like this part of my life is serious and important. There is no more time to play with bullshit men and relationships. There is no more time to be small and pathetic and just crying every day without taking action. There is no more time to withhold so much Love. Show me where I can Love, Allah. Show me what I must build. There is no more time to be sitting around waiting for heroes. Yes, support will come. Friends will come. A man will come. Family relationships will find their way to peace… I miss them, Allah. I miss having relationships like Oprah described, relationships that are comfortable, easy, filled with light and laughter and consoling when I am down…
You tell me to go ahead and do the things I need to do now. The relationships will come. Work on being integrous for now. Work on letting Love in and letting Love out. You are right. This part is not a part you can do on your own. Work on being discerning and learning who it is you need to build with now. You will know them when you find them. Open your heart to them. Open your heart to them. It will not take so long like you think. Have faith, my sweet, sweet child. Choose to be there now. Choose to be here now. Be there, in this space of Love. Be this space of Love. Move into integrity now. Life will rebuild itself around your integrous intention.. And so it will. And so I will.. Ameen.
Day 490
This Part of My Life (Integrity)
