Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
Can’t write long, but haven’t posted in a while, so just wanted to get something out there.
I’m at the American Embassy in the heal the world country my parents are from. The keys on the computer are making a lot of noise as I type fast, and people are looking at me.
Thinking about money. Wondering how the people who give people jobs make money. The computer room is shutting down now.
I Love you. Thank you for being with me all these years, reading my thoughts, making me feel like I’m not alone in the world. Life gets better.
Take care,
Laydie
Day 513
Life Gets Better
I learned to Love my mother…
I’ve been out in the world living. Now I’m sitting at a Starbucks at one of my favorite parts of LA thinking about my next steps.
So much has happened in the past two months. Epic adventure. I went to my mother’s land. Across the ocean. Another country. Another way of life. A strange combination of the most beautiful and the most horrendous things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I Loved it there. I began the “heal the world” work that I’ve been wanting to do for so long. There is something about beginning…
I started planting a cacao farm. Twelve trees in the ground and one baby tree nursing. I organized with the local university to teach a film course this fall and also use some of the students from the course to work on the film that I’m shooting later this year. I did research for a book program and radio program and medical program that my family is working on.
And I spent six weeks sleeping on the same bed as my mother. That was the greatest part of the adventure. In her, I found the amazing power partner that I had been looking for for so long. She was there for me every step of the way. She was on my team wholly. She was my biggest fan and supporter and we went on wild road trips, slept in mansions, walked on beaches together, strategized and fought for our rights, and shared many laughs. It wasn’t easy. My mother and I are about as different in personalities as you can get. There were many moments that I felt all the things that I had previously felt with her – not accepted, not safe to express who I am fully, etc, etc. There were many moments where I didn’t particularly like her and I’m sure she didn’t particularly like me. But I managed not to fight with her or snap at her the whole time, and only once, in those whole six weeks, did I have an emotional meltdown. Only once, for about three days, did I get sick.
Mostly, I was full of joy while overseas. I was myself again. I haven’t been myself in so long. I was so happy. My skin was radiant. I was doing every blessed thing I wanted to do with my life. My boo the Advisor was there. He’s not my boo, but I’ll still call him that, because he Loves me even if he doesn’t want to. As God would have it, all the way across the ocean on a thirteen hour plane ride, in a country as far away from America as you can get, my boo lives a five minute drive away from where I was living. His brothers are good friends with one of my mom’s close family friends, and on one occasion, me and my mom ended up spending the night at one of his brother’s house, not through an intentional arrangement.
I left my heal the world homeland about a week ago and came back to my city of angels, LA. My original plan was not to go back overseas until May. But when arrived at my LA apartment, I came home to a roof that had fallen in due to the rain. There was a big hole in my roof and water was dripping from it. It smelled like mold and mildew in the house…
All of my old friends were here, most of them men whom I had either dated or whom have wanted to date me forever and it never happened… Everything looks different here in LA. All of a sudden I want to take care of my sweet mamma. She ain’t that sweet, but she’s sweet enough to want to be around sometimes. All of a sudden, I want to joke around with my grandma and hear her tell me stories. I want to hang out with some little kids every now and then.
And as fate would have it, my lead farmer called me today and said that he wanted to implement a phase of the cacao farm – planting 400 seeds, ASAP. My mom can be there to supervise it, but I would love to be there. Don’t ask me how or why I became a farmer. Almost every plant I’ve ever had has died. But I Love these cacao plants. They feel like my babies. I want to love them and give them safe spaces to grow. Cacao takes about three to ten years to come into maturity, and me, Mrs. Afraid of commitment, I, am actually excited about sitting around for about three to ten years and watching something grow.
I know. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. Why did I thrive so much in a country that has many more challenges and much less opportunity than the country I live in? I think it was because I had what I needed over there. I had real, deep love that doesn’t abandon. I had a partner who is going to get up every day and get it done. I had a community that I was living life with, whether I wanted to or not. I had enough fine men to look at to keep my passion and my girly playful side excited. I had time and space to pray and meditate. I had sun and water and fresh food. It was enough. And Truth be told, I could have all of those things right here in LA, but I just haven’t created them yet…
So the question is, what to do next? Where to go next? We are somewhere else is consciousness. I have become a new person since I left LA. I became myself. I experienced being myself, and I think I must say, it was the best month of my life thus far… I was in my true place. I was a patient, Loving, Joyful, Creative, honest, integruous leader. I am still in my True Place, but this is the part where I start to plant seeds. It is planting season, and I am looking for the perfect place to nurse this baby of a new identity whom I am becoming. Where will I get the right amount of nutrients that I need? Where can I grow strong? Where can I express the fullness of who I am? Where can I experience the fullness of Love.
God, you tell me that I am finally asking the right questions. I’ve been drifting for many years, not fully excited about much in my life besides relationships. Now, I feel like I am in my body at last. I can feel. I feel excitement. I feel love. I feel disappointment. Maybe there is an awesome job for me overseas… Maybe I can make money. Can I finish out all of my LA business at last? Can I be completely free and clear at last? I have been afraid of being free and clear but freedom is finding me nonetheless and I believe that this is what they call Grace.
So, I am finding the place to nurse this new life that is birthing in me. After I have nurtured it in the womb of my soul, I will put it in the best natural environment, root it at last, in a place where it will blossom and thrive. God be with me. I know you are always with me. I am willing to be everything that you have created me to be. I am choosing to give me all to this seed of a life that has been dying to express for so long. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you thank you so much for keeping me alive. It’s Planting Season.
Ameen. Ameen. Amen.
Oh. Btw. I spoke with my mom today. This past six weeks is the most time she and I have spent together consistently in my whole adult life. We usually don’t spend more than two weeks together. My mom told me that she’s finally getting to know me, and she sees that I am a leader. A leader who brings joy wherever I go. It is the best thing that could ever happen to me. To feel Loved and seen by my mom. Thank You so much, Allah.
Ameen.
Day 512
Planting Season (Healing Roots)
Feeling my feelings. Extreme. Here with my mother. She doesn’t make it to this blog that much. On an island. Literally. My sister works and lives on a beautiful island. I’m here with my sister and my mother. In a few days, my mother and I will be traveling together to another country, the country of her birth.
Electricity is not constant there. We take baths from buckets. There are villages and deep-rooted cultural traditions. I am going there to continue on the heal the world work that my family and I started many years ago. I am going there because my Spirit is directing me to go there. I don’t really know the true purpose, but I am thinking that it has something to do with my mother.
It occurs to me, that if I could Love my mother, then all spells would be broken and all would be right in the world. My therapist asked me if my mom and I were close, and I didn’t know how to answer her. We are not close, but we are deeply bonded and we deeply affect each other. We have been fighting each other since I was five, when I first asked her if I could have a boyfriend.
8, 11, 13, 17, 18, 19… 20, 25, 26, 28 and many more ages, we had major battles. Heartbreaking episodes. Men and religion always seemed to be involved in our disagreements. I never really felt Loved or accepted by her, and I guess she always thought I thought she was bad. I remember being a little kid and she was telling us how hard she worked for us, and I told her that she didn’t take care of us – welfare did. I remember her telling us how she had done something really hurtful to her mom because she didn’t know better, and I told her that she was always blaming others for stuff. I don’t know why I’ve been so mad at my mom for so long.
Maybe I needed more hugs than she was able to give. Maybe I needed to be protected instead of blamed and told to be strong about everything that happened to me. Maybe I wanted to be understood. My mom would tell me that I was her strong one and that I made her proud, but I didn’t want to be her strong one or make her proud. I didn’t care about those things. I just wanted to be Loved and accepted for who I was, whether or not I was strong or whether or not I made anyone proud or did anything exceptional with myself… I liked to dance and my mom had mixed feelings about dancing. I liked to smile at boys and boys were not allowed. I liked to let people know who I was for real and know who they were for real and I was not supposed to let anyone know the bad things about me. I wanted friends and friends were not to be trusted. I was supposed to be friends with my siblings, but when I was younger, my sibs around my age didn’t want to be my friends and the younger ones were too young to hang with…
As I got older, I explored other religions than the one I grew up with. Not because I wanted to be bad, but because I didn’t get it. I wasn’t wholly sold on the religion I grew up, although I liked many things about it. This was a big point of contention between me and my mom. I was supposed to be the religion I grew up in or I was going to hell and that was all there was to it. I’m not supposed to be writing this blog and telling you all my deepest darkest feelings. I never told my mom about it. Someone told her that I had a blog somewhere where I share things about my life, and she was appalled. Told me not to do it. Somewhere, I think my mom has been trying to protect me from many things over the years. I think it’s a mix of protection, ego, control… I don’t know. I am trying to find the energy of Love.
At the beginning of this year, we had a huge blow-out that involved my older sister. My older sister had been telling my mom things and letting her assume some things that were going on between us, and my mom was just taking everything my sister said and led her to believe at face value, and then calling me and attacking me without questioning anything. Finally, after she attacked me for a lie that my sister had bold-faced led her to believe without questioning anything, I asked my mom why she hates me so much. She said she doesn’t hate me, but I could not feel the Love… I can not feel the Love…
Now I am here with her, and we have been bumping heads for the past week. She has been fighting with her family overseas, and I said the wrong thing. Said I could understand how they feel. I actually think her family overseas is in the wrong, but I can understand how they feel. I was just supposed to say that my mom is right about everything always. Then, after telling me how I’m supposed to be the religion I grew up in and don’t do anything else, she invited me to go to one of our religious services, and I declined, she got mad at me… If she was not my mother, I don’t know that I would ever be friends with someone like her, although I have been attracting female friends like her most of my life. It feels like there is no space to be powerful around her. My head is always bowed, waiting for approval that I will never get. I do not feel ok with being myself around her, unless myself is what she wants me to be. I feel terribly misunderstood in almost every conversation. I feel like she is mad at me always for everything and I am mad at her always. And something has got to give.
Somewhere in my relationship with my mom is the answer to every other relationship in my life. I feel like if I could Love my mother fully, then everything would be all right. Let’s say the worst case scenario was true. Let’s say my mom didn’t Love me. Let’s say my mom will never approve of me if she knew who I truly was. Let’s say my mom will never understand me and will always be mad at me for something I did in the past or something I’m doing in the present. Let’s say that every time I do something good, she will be happy, but there will be a sadness in her eyes. Let’s say I never really feel her hugs. I wish I could feel my mother’s hugs.
I wish I could feel my mother’s hugs…
I wish I could feel the energy of unconditional Love flowing between us, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt it. I don’t know that I’ve ever given it. Somehow I know that my relationship with my mom has something to do with what I came to do in this life. Somehow I know that Love and Forgiveness are big parts of what I have to contribute to this world.
Somehow I know that if I could Love my mother, fully and unconditionally, even if I wasn’t convinced that she Loved me… if I could look at her without judgement, if I could give those things to her that I can not feel her giving to me, if I could accept her exactly as she is, no matter who she is or how she is, then somehow, someway, she and I could both be free…
This year has been so hard, Allah. This Life has been so hard for me. I have not known how to be myself and walk around on your Earth and be safe and be happy at the same time. But I can’t stay locked in my apartment in the ghetto anymore. I want to be Free…
So I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna open up my hands and I’m going to forgive. I’m going to forgive myself, too, even if no one else will. And I’m going to turn every ounce of Love within me towards myself. Then I’m going to turn it towards my mother. I’m going to be Powerful now and I’m going to shine my Light and my energy as bright as I can and I don’t care how she feels about it. This is what I came to do. I have had enough of these curses and spells. I am going to Love my mother now, regardless. Regardless. Regardless. And through the mercy and Grace of God, I’m going to give us both a chance to be free… A chance to be Free…. A chance to be free.
Day 511
If I Can Love My Mother (A Chance to Be Free)
Well, everything that could fall apart has… My fake boyfriend is gone. All my mens are gone. Most of my female friends are gone. Still waiting on this big film check but in the meantime, bank account is very low…
I started seeing a therapist about three weeks ago. We both acknowledged that I generally leave my body when I am in situations that seem too painful for me, and I don’t come back and revisit them until things become too painful and I am forced to face them. My therapist gave me an assignment. I was supposed to feel my feelings. Like, feel them while they are happening. Every time I felt something strong, I was supposed to stop, feel it, and write about it in my journal…
And Lord have mercy. I felt like a drug addict getting off drugs. I mean, I’ve never been a drug addict, but I can imagine how it must feel to have years where you don’t really feel what’s going on, because you have some substance clouding your body and mind and making you feel good, and then to lose that substance and actually have to feel the depths of whatever you feel.
It was extreme for me. I felt so much sorrow. I saw a pic of my old teacher, The Advisor, and felt heartbroken. Heartbreak was a feeling that I hadn’t acknowledged in years. I felt so much grief. Wailed in my car for four hours straight, full of grief. And the worst feeling of all? Hopelessness. I had never felt that in my life before, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I felt hopeless. I felt like selling and giving away everything I owned, packing a backpack, getting in my car, and just going somewhere away from this life I had created. But there was nowhere to go. There wasn’t even any gas in my car… Nothing made sense. This life here didn’t make sense any more.
There was no joy in it. There was no passion. There was so little real Love. And there was no one to call. I didn’t know too many people who had figured out how to be fulfilled on the inside. How to be at peace on the inside. Most people were just faking it… I felt so much pain. I felt hopeless. There was nowhere to go. There was no one to call on. Nobody was coming. Nobody was going to save me. Nobody was going to hold me. Nobody seemed to care, and most of the people in my life only seemed interested in giving the least they could to me while trying to get the most.
My fantastical musings seemed miles away. How was I going to create any of that when I had none of it right now? How was I going to do anything when I was feeling so much pain? Pain in my heart. Pain in my head. Back pain. I caught a cold. Confusion. So much confusion. I couldn’t see the light at the end of this tunnel. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. I laid on my futon and cried. I didn’t go to work. I didn’t ask anyone to help me. For the first time in seven years, I didn’t pay my rent on time. My manager sent me a text message saying he was charging me a late fee, and I didn’t care. “Maybe I’ll get evicted and I’ll be forced to get out of this place,” I thought. That would be good.
I spent about a week just crying and sleeping. Don’t ask what I was crying about. I don’t know. Everything. Anything. My life. The world. Things that had happened. So much sadness. I felt sorry for myself. For the first time, I saw what a sensitive being I am. Super, hyper, extra sensitive. I don’t know how I survived my life thus far, and perhaps I wouldn’t be alive had been feeling all the things I felt all along. Perhaps my brain would have busted a long time ago, and I would have been for real plum nuts crazy. So many dark feelings and thoughts were overwhelming me, and I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing…
Eventually my best friend (I’ll call him Dark Angel because he’s been my angel for most of my adult life, but he has a very dark side to him) called me. He asked if he could reach out to people on my behalf so that I could get some help. I said ok. He reached out. Asked some people that I was going to do contract work for to advance me some money so I could pay my bills. They did. I paid my bills… And here we are today… Spent about two more weeks feeling my feelings.
These darned feelings hurt so bad, but I felt like there was something good on the other side of this experiment. I felt like it was a move forward. I couldn’t feel all these things if they weren’t in me already, I wanted them out. Hopelessness left me after about a week and hope returned. Just a little bit of hope, but it was enough. It was enough to get me off of the bed to put some food in my belly. It was enough to spend Thanksgiving with a small group of people, my brother and two friends, instead of sitting at home alone and crying.
My mind is blown and I am just getting out of the dark woods. I still feel fragile. Opportunities in life are opening up, like they always do. I am thinking about my fantastical musings and wondering if any of it is still possible for me. I don’t see it. You understand? I don’t see the path from where I am to where I imagine my life to be. Nothing is clear.
“Take the steps”, a voice in my soul whispers. “Take the steps.”
I know I will have to become something I have never been. I will have to walk through the world in a different way… Straighten up my back a bit. Be a little more kind, or rather, be as kind as I am. It’s been a tough year. Wildfires have come and set my whole life ablaze. Burned everything down. Started about this time last year. Everything is lost except for me. And me? I am holding on to everything by threads, but the voice inside of me tells me to let go.
I don’t have the affirmation, the book, the plan to move me into my True Place in this world. I know, though, that I must choose to be moved – to move – or not. There is no more room for half stepping on this leg of the journey. Commitment and surrender are required. I, of myself, can do nothing, says the Voice of my soul.
Pride falls to the wayside. I am a beginner again. And what is left of my life – what is left of my identity is me and God. This not knowing what will happen next; this not knowing what to do next or where anything will lead in five days, much less five years – is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. My brain is not connecting the dots. Survival mode has exploded. The wildfires have come and they have burned down everything except the little child in me.
The little curious child who wants to live still remains. The little child who has heard stories of Love and joy and passion still remains. Will I be taken care of? Will I survive this world.
I name the little child in me Good. Her name is Good. Extraordinary Good. Her middle name is God is With Us. God is with us, OK? God is with us. Just believe it. What if we believed it? What if we believed that we would be taken care of? What if we took care of ourselves? What if it was really True that our old life fell apart because it was not in alignment with our True Place on Earth? What if we are finally starting anew, with a real foundation, partnered with the entire Universe? What if it was possible that the entire Universe actually was in support of our thriving?
Something in me says this is true. Something in me says that it’s time to surrender. One step at a time. One day at a time. One choice at a time… It’s time to surrender.
Day 510
The Wildfires (On Surrender)
So much to say… I just deleted an unfinished entry.
I’m closing my eyes. Want to get to the deep place. Wanted to reach out and touch someone. Share. I have been learning a lot lately. Taking a lot in. And feeling the urge to give out now. Balance. Incomplete sentences.
A new chapter beginning. New job. In film. Tell you what it is when the check clears. Eyes open. Sunlight shining in from the windows in my gated apartment in the ghetto. Everything is the same except it’s not.
Ideas of normalcy and happiness flood my mind. What if I could actually scrub my walls down and clean my house? What if this part of my life could actually be over? What if I could have true friends who wished me well and didn’t get jealous even if I was doing better than them – a flow of goodwill between us? What if I was happy? What if I always had more than enough money than I needed in my account and a passive income and a big bank account? What if everything was paid for and paid off? What if I was a real writer and real filmmaker, living in a house with a lot of color that smelled good? What if I lived in a house? A house… What if it was somewhere with a nice sky and streets that felt good to walk down? And what if there was a back yard and clean sheets and comfy beds and sheets and towels and a bed for guests? Ooooh! What if there was guest house? What if I had neighbors I liked and a community around me? What if I had good relationships with all of my family members? Am I dreaming too big? What if I was actually a professional writer and I really wrote movies and shows and books and plays? What if it was real? And people took me seriously and were moved by my work and inspired and they thought my creative works were at least interesting? What if I was really a writer and I got paid really well for my work? What if I really did do heal the world work and the things I know were taken seriously and my leadership and my ideas and my work actually helped people and made the world better? What if I had a kid? What if I had kids? Little people whose bellies I would rub and play with?
What if all of my inventions for products came to pass and people were helped by the things I thought of and I made a lot of money – so much money that I never had to think about money again and could just make decisions based upon what I wanted to do with this body and soul that I call my self?
What if I had a man? What if I had someone whom I could pour all of my Love into and he could handle it? What if he wasn’t scared of me and didn’t leave or be mean to me when I made mistakes? What if he Loved me? What if he Loved me so much that I didn’t cry so much anymore and he thought that I was awesome just the way I am. What if I was his dream girl and he was my dream guy? What if we had awesome sex and he was able to hold me? What if he was strong enough and wise enough to hold me and comfort me? What if I could work with and collaborate with awesome people all of the time and we all had a mutual interest in living goods lives and being a beneficial presence on the planet? What if we could be integrous? It wasn’t just a fantasy…
What if I could be integrous?
These are my thoughts this morning. These are the kinds of thoughts that I haven’t had in years… I am thinking about what I can do with this life. I am thinking about possibilities. Is my life possible, Allah? Are my dreams possible? What if they were? What if I just believed a little bit that these things were possible for me? What if I gave myself a chance for them to be possible? Surely there are people who are doing the things that barely dare to speak of. Surely there are people are living the lives that I barely dare to imagine. Or at least they are experiencing parts of that life.
A fog has lifted and I can have these thoughts and wonder why I haven’t had them in so long. I never really believed that these things could be a part of my real life. They were fantasies – relegated to a space outside of me. Only to be dreamed about but never had or lived or experienced or given.
Today I’m going to step out of time and pull these fantasies here inside of me. I’m going to see if I can make an imprint on my brain and tell myself that they are possible. I’m going to see what I can do about this life, see if I can actually have a good life now. God, can I have a good life now? I’d like a good life now. Will you help me, please? I know You will help me if I am choosing to do Your will and if I am choosing the highest good for all involved. And I am choosing to do Your will and I am choosing the highest good for all involved.
So I guess I’ll start my day now. I’m grateful for these thoughts. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for everything that has come before this moment. I’m grateful for a new day and all these fantastical musings. Have a beautiful day. I Love You…
Sincerely,
Laydie
Day 509
Fantastical Musings
Emotions raw… Feel them. Things thought resolved bubbling up. Forgiveness on the brain. Living with others. Synchronicity. Pain. Contrast. Happiness…
How can I be in this place? How can I be in this world? Brokenness everywhere. And me, too. Was holding things. Am holding things still. My sister visiting. Just shut me up as I was singing my song. I just told her to cut that shit out. Messing with my vibe…
I don’t have much to write about. Sometimes I just need to write. Praying won’t do it. Reading won’t do it. Meditating, dancing, singing, hanging with folks won’t hit the spot. I need to put words on paper or computer or anything, and then I am ok.
I am not hurt. I am not broken, but my heart is breaking open… But there is a sadness for so much time lost. I have a good friend. My best friend – the last man standing – for over twenty years. Oddly enough, he doesn’t make it to the blog that much. Just like my father’s name is hardly ever mentioned here. I loved them the most. I Love them the most. My Best Friend hurt me really badly. He had hurt me very badly over the years.
This past fall, to make a long story short, I tried to hook my best friend up with a good friend of mine. She was a female friend living in LA. To make a long story short, the hook-up didn’t go too well for me. My best friend ended up forsaking helping me out with stuff I needed and being there for me in order to spend time with my female friend. My female friend relished in the opportunity to be picked first and forsook me as well. I stopped being friends with both of them for a while, but my best friend – well, he’s been my best friend for years.
He was the one who came and took care of me and cooked me oatmeal when I was sick and alone in my apartment in LA and couldn’t even get up off the floor to make my own food. He was the one who sat on the phone with me and counseled me through anxiety attacks as I started back writing again. He is the one who sends me his last little dollar to celebrate myself and take myself out to dinner after some small accomplishment. He is the one who checks up on me. He is the first man in my life who didn’t disappear. When we were much younger, after our first fight, I thought he would never talk to me again, because that’s what the men in my life did when they got mad at me. They disappeared. But after a few days of being mad at me, my Best Friend called me and he said, “Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I’m not your friend anymore.”
It was a mind blowing concept for me.
Twenty years later, my Best Friend broke my heart by the way he treated me last fall. We stopped talking for a while, and then we became friends again, but things were different. I was hurt. We had many, many, conversations, but he never really saw what he did that hurt me so bad. He never acknowledged it. He never said sorry. He tried and has been trying hard to be nice to me since, but something had changed in my heart about him. I didn’t trust him anymore and it made me very sad.
As fate would have it, he got very sick. My other friend whom he had betrayed me with had gotten sick, too. They are both assholes of a sort, and so they don’t have a big support system around them. All they have is each asshole other. My best friend reached out to me in his time of need, but I thought, “Go be friends with my asshole friend who you betrayed me for. She’s an asshole so she ain’t gonna help you with shit, and that’s what you get…”
I’ve had that feeling towards him. I’ve been holding that feeling towards him. That “that’s what you get” feeling. I’m just being honest. Part of the time, I’m aware that I’m holding that feeling, but most of the time I’m not aware. It’s just like there’s a sadness between us. He frowns when he sees me, mostly. I am not particularly excited about him, but he is like an old coat that has been there for me and a comfort. I know it’s not cool to admit these things out loud, but it’s true. I had been holding those “that’s what you get” feelings about him and my female friend as well.
As fate would have it again, some years ago, my Best Friend had introduced me to the guy who is now courting me. Last night, me and Best Friend were talking and I told him about how I like cooking for the guy who is courting me. I never liked cooking for my best friend b/c he’s always critical and ungrateful and he never seemed to like anything I do for him unless it looked like I had to go through some pain to do it. Anyway, when I told my Best Friend that I enjoyed cooking for new guy, my best friend got jealous. He started talking about how he was the one who introduced me to the new guy, and for a moment I thought, “I’m gonna do my Best Friend just like he did me with my female friend.” I’m gonna cancel doing stuff with Best Friend or say no to him and tell him I’m hanging out with my new guy instead. I’m gonna stop helping him while he’s sick and tell him that I thought he’d be ok and it’s more fun hanging out with my new guy. I’m gonna save all my smiles for my new guy and frown at my best friend all the time, and then he’ll see how it felt to do what he did to me. That’s what he gets…”
It didn’t feel good to think those things, but I thought them. I realized that I wasn’t over it. I wasn’t over the pain that had come between us. I wasn’t over so many things. I had been holding so many people hostage energetically, waiting for them to learn their lessons, waiting for them to get what they get until I forgave them.
And I don’t know what to think about these things. This is grown up stuff. Where is the line drawn? When do you say, you have done too much, and you will not repent, so you can’t come around me no more? When do you say, you have done so much and you will not repent, and I will forgive you anyway? When do you punish? Do you punish? When do you love anyway? At what point does continuing to engage in certain relationships become self abuse?
I don’t know if there is a book of rules about these things. There is no book of rules about these things, besides the religious books. I wanted to Love him. My Best Friend. I was tired of holding him hostage to my unforgiveness. I didn’t want to be like him, holding back my smiles from him, only seeing the worst in him. I didn’t have the answers. I don’t have the answers.
What I know, though, is that there is something about forgiving and saying sorry. Not just forgiving others, but forgiving yourself. My heart longs to love. Some people have been assholes. Sometimes I have been the asshole and I am sure that someone has written in a blog or a journal about the ways I have hurt them somewhere. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes not. What would it be like if I could just open up my hands and let it all go? Just say, “I know you hurt me, and I know you may never realize or acknowledge your offense, but I am not set on punishing you anymore.” Could I allow them to be happy and healed and live good lives, even if they never said sorry to me? Even if they never wished good things for me?
I want justice, but something in me says that this is justice. This is justice for my own heart. Forgiveness is justice for my own heart. I don’t really understand, but I know it’s true. I want to Love. I want Love to flow freely between me and the people in my life. My Best Friend is tenured. He has earned his place as friend till death do us part. I am sure we have journeyed through many lives together in many ways, but in this life, finally, I want Love between us…
So this is what I needed to write. These are the words I needed to release. My back feels lighter. Aches and pains are softening. My frozen heart is melting. I will be safe even if I forgive. I will have Love even if I forgive. Justice has a way of finding it’s way into all of our lives, even if I’m not serving it. For me, I choose Love now… I choose Love and Forgiveness now. And that’s what I get…
Ameen.
Day 508
Love And Forgiveness (That’s What You Get)
Back in the real world. Been in fantasy land for the past five days. Folks came in town. My Lover. Friends. Frenemies. They all came at the same time. It was this girl’s, my frenemy’s, birthday and some people came in town because of that, and others just happened to be in town this weekend. Twelve of us sat at a birthday table.
Artists. Mutual friends. Lovers. Exes. All interconnected in some way. I spent the last five days on the Westside of LA County. First in Beverly Hills and then near the Beach. I was with my Lover. Who is this guy, you ask? Long story short, I don’t know if he ever made it to this blog.
Met him a few years ago through my best friend. He was visiting LA from another country and my best friend, who was living with me at the time, brought him right into my living room. He was nice and innocent. He asked me to go out with him and my best friend, so I did. At some point in our outing, he asked if he could hug me. I said yes, and he hugged me. Broke open my heart. I felt so much Love. We went out on two more dates and after the last one, he went back to his country. Said he wanted to marry me and he was going to come back in a couple of months. He didn’t. The devil came in between us, and a family death plus financial and relationship problems moored him in his country. I lost interest in a romantic relationship with him, but we remained friends…
Two years later, he reaches out and says he is coming into LA. He wants to see me. And so I saw him for the past five days. His hug is just as amazing as it has ever been. I am not used to being held with Love. I did not know how much I missed it and needed it. He calls me sweetheart and helps with everything. “How can I Love you more?” he asks. I am in Heaven. We eat healthy food every day, go to the beach, to the park, to the mountains. We celebrate his friend’s birthday and I make peace with a longtime frenemy. I freestyle rap with him and other friends. And my best friend (the one who introduced us) comes in town, too. I am surrounded by giants with huge hearts. I am happy. I am having so much fun. I am feeling so much Love. Anything is possible with these people… He kisses my back and all pain from the past dissipates. I didn’t know that I was carrying so much pain still. Will I marry him? I don’t know. There are many things to consider. He is not afraid of me, and this is new. He sees me as beautiful, all the way, and he sees my good intentions, and this i new. He is not afraid of the deep depths of my Love, and this is new…
And suddenly it dawns on me that I am ok. The war is over. I am safe. This part of my life is over. I don’t have to be so sad anymore. I’m not so sad anymore. I’m not afraid of so much anymore, and I can do things now. I can move forward now. I can have a good life now. It dawns on me that there are good people in the world who will help me with things just because they Love me. And they will accept the Love I have to give in the way I have to give it.
It dawns on me that I have been Blessed with a Blank slate. I have gotten a “do-over” pass from God, and I can start over. There are some scars and bruises from a life that has definitely been lived, but my mind and my body function well enough for me to thrive on this Earth plane. And my Spirit is finally coming into alignment with the Truth of who I am.
My old friend fear wants me to panic now, fret about what I will do and how I will do it and where I will live and who I will live with, but I don’t want to fret anymore. I want to disrupt that pattern of anxiety and fear when I’m not sure what the future holds and move into the knowingness that all of life is working together for my good and I can let go of control and move into listening, receptivity, and curiosity.
Now is the time to make plans and take immediate action. So we will. We will read our Think and Grow Rich book, make plans immediately, and take some steps forward now. Build the foundation of your new Life with Love and Joy. Listen for my next steps as we learn how to fly…
Thank you, Allah. Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 507
Life With Love (Blank Slating)
