hownottocryeveryday

This is a long one, but that’s because it’s been written over a long period of time.

Stephen King said it wonderfully in his book “On Writing”. He spoke about how a writer is like a magician, how one can write a thought down in January 2011, edit it in March, publish it in July, and someone can read it years later and be transported to a place from the past.

So, although this is the fifth entry of this blog, it is has been written over a period of time between January and July 2011. I’m ready to move on to the “and then some” part of this journey, but there are a few more things that I learned about how not to cry that I’d like to share with you.

I have come to believe that if you can get off the bed, keep walking, and fight for your piece of joy like your life depends on it, then miracles will happen. Now, if getting off the bed is the solution to getting off the bed, but you can’t seem to get off the bed, then how do you get off the bed? Sigh… I asked that question many-a-time while staring at the ceiling, and what I found is that you just have to get up. When you are ready, you will.

So, a few things have happened since I set out on this journey. The first thing happened one day as I sat down to meditate. I held this piece of crystal in my hand, which had been given to me by I teacher who I respect. I remembered a time when he had told me, “Lady, you’re a millionnaire. And I’m not talking about money.” I felt special to have had met him and for once, I didn’t beat myself up and tell myself that it’s bad to feel special. I just let myself feel special, because I wanted to feel special, and i sat my butt down to meditate…

And I found something that I had lost a long time ago! I found faith. I found it again! I found it again and it felt so good. Because I knew I was going to make it out of this. Do you hear me??? Even now I know that  we are going to make it out of this. I am strong enough because I know the One who created strength! There is spirit within us. It is undeniable. Imagine. We have been trying to build houses on our own, researching, putting boards up and tearing them down, but there is a knower that not only knows how to build houses, but He even created the wood that makes the boards and knows things about the wood that we have yet to discover. That spirit knows a way out of this. That spirit makes things happen…

The second thing that happened is that I talked to my momma. She loves me more than anyone else in the world. My momma told me to stop crying now. To get up now and stop crying. I’m gonna listen to her for once in my life. I’m gonna get up and do something. I told her i don’t know how much control I have over the crying thing but I can get up anyway, and maybe getting up anyway will help stop the crying.

I’m willing to let it all go. The need to be accepted and loved. The unspoken and spoken promises and agreements between me and all my past relations, with gratitude for the lessons exchanged, i let them go and i create a space for transformation. this is my destiny. my treasure. my gift. this is my life. i am determined to be free of the thoughts that bind me, to be free of the past that has haunted me for so long, i am ready to face all of the demons. in me there is a well. i know it even though i can not see it or touch it yet, i know that it exists. there is no reasoning around this, no logic to prove it. there is only law, and even this will not explain it fully. there is a thing called grace. it exists. it exists. but you must do the work. you must get up. you must say, yeah, i did that. that was dumb of me. yeah, i let that person disrespect me because i just didnt want to be lonely. yeah, i ran away because i was scared of good things. it was crazy. yeah that was me that lied to the person that trusted me. yeah, i didnt even believe God existed at one point. You have to tell the truth. Yeah, i tried to manipulate a situation so that someone would love me, come home to me. Yeah i felt jealous of another person’s happiness. Yeah i wasn’t there for someone that i could have been there for… This is what I’ve done. You’ve got to tell it all. Yeah, i punched him in the heart to get back at him because he hurt me… I did it all. The worst of the worst. I don’t even know all the things i need to apologize for, but God, will you forgive me, please? I’d like to do better now. Will you forgive me, please? I’d like to be honest now. Will you forgive me, please. They say you are the Most Merciful. Will you forgive me, please? I’d like to be a giver now. Would you forgive me, please? I’d like to be a blessing here on Earth and not a destroyer. Will you forgive me, please? In the places buried deep that are out of order, will you put me back in alignment with your grace? I will do the work. I will do the work. I will do the work.

Ameen.

Day Four

Do the work.

I almost quit writing this… One of my readers suggested a path for me to learn how not to cry every day, and it wasn’t by writing a blog. And so I got scared. Of exposing too much. Of losing friends. Of people who are close to me not approving…

So sorry for the delay in communication, I’ve been contemplating the meaning of life. I haven’t figured out a whole lot, but what I know is that setting an intention, making a commitment, acting on it, and seeing things out to the end seem to be correlated with happiness and peace.

So, I intend to see this here thing out. I intend to get out of this *hit and even smell the roses on the other side and I’m committed to writing every day until I see a magnificent transformation for the better in my life. I am not afraid, come what may.

Day Three

I didn’t cry today- at least not yet, but I almost did, and I was granted a small miracle.

How Not to Cry Every Day

hi,
so i made it off the bed. immediately after our conversation, i tried to work on my script, but broke down in tears instead. so then i went to my Facebook and deleted some friends. then i went back to the bed… then i fell asleep but not a real sleep because i had too much on my mind… so i sleep cried… for what? i can’t tell you exactly. mainly feeling sorry for myself.

this has been my usual routine for a while. i sleep cry. i pray for God to take the pain away and then i sleep for real. most of the time i wake up feeling better, but sometimes sleep cry rolls over to day cry. i don’t get much done unless there is an immediate requirement that will affect me not eating or having a place to live, and even that doesn’t always move me.

so anyway, i’m writing you this evening because after about a week of chronic depression, i have managed to get off the bed. this i can do. this i would like to do/share with you. i’m going to write a bit of this book every day (among other things) and id like to share with you. i’m learning how not to cry every day and i think this would be most useful to other people if i write it as i’m going through it.

this is a self-help book/memoir. ill write the forward and flesh everything out later, but for now, it’s a bit journalesque.

so would you do me just one favor? would you just read everything i write and not just glimpse through stuff?

thanks..

I Love You.

How Not to Cry Every Day (or La-Illahah Illah-la)

Day One
Get off the bed.