My sister says I live in my own world… She’s probably right, but don’t we all?
I have lived with several different roommates over the past few years and I am amazed and in awe about the different paradigms that we all operate from. Some people spend their time watching TV all day and finding ways to distract themselves and others never turn on the tube and spend most of the time in their own head. I used to have a roommate who went running in nature early in the morning and left fresh picked oranges by my doorstep.
I have hung out with girls who believe that “if you got it, flaunt it” and still others who think that a woman “must veil their beauty and be modest”, people who never seem to have or want a job, and others who wouldn’t even think of living without a 9 to 5… Some people bring drama, disaster and heartache into every situation and others light up a room. today I talked to a long distance friend and realized how even from miles away, his enthusiasm for life was contagious and i was glowing after our conversation.
We do that to each other, bring each other into our own worlds. A recent roommate of mine helped me to realize that most times when we interact with each other, one person’s worldview dominates the other’s. Most of us are unaware of the dynamic we are engaging in, but the crafty (and sometimes the wise, the smart and the stupid) go into relationships with a mission to bend the wills of others to suit their own desires. We affect each other either way it goes.
Deepak Chopra says that relationship dynamics are one of three ways: either someone wants to give something to you, someone wants to take something from you, or someone doesn’t care either way it goes.
As I am creating this new life for myself, I am learning to ask myself the questions: D o i want to be in this or that person’s world? What’s really going on here? Is this person trying to drag me into their world (and do i want to be there) or are they all right with me being in my own? I think we can create our own worlds if we are aware of what it is we are trying to create.
Life is getting better and better… Thank you for reading.
Day 8
Create Your Own World
Today was a good day. I don’t believe I cried at all, or even thought about it. I was too busy living.
It’s interesting to me how life can change so suddenly. One day you’re down and out, lonely on a computer with no one to talk to, and in a day, you can meet someone, get a new job, finish a project you’ve been working on forever, find out you’re having a baby, move somewhere else, etc, and the trajectory of your life changes just like that.
Everything is changing for me right now. Really. Everything. I’ll be moving somewhere new in the next few weeks, I am completing projects that have been sitting on the shelf for years and finally sending them out into the world, and I am not worried about anything even though I don’t know how things are going to turn out!!! This is the newest part for me. Maybe I have finally fallen off the rocker indeed…
You know what I’m worried about the most? Life is changing for the better so fast, I am wondering what I’m going to talk about when I’m done talking about all the sad stuff? Who wants to hear about people being happy when they are sad??? What do you do when you are done struggling, fighting, cussing, and punching everyone (including yourself) in the face? How does it feel to actually be able to eat, buy, go, and do anything you would like and be happy?
I know we all say that we dream of being this, that, and the other, but I will be the first to admit that the dream has always been this lofty thing on the other side. I’ve never really believed that I would be one of those people. You know, the ones that do stuff in the world, that love their jobs, the ones who have fulfilling relationships. A part of me has even resented those people and wonders how dare they be so happy when we are all suffering so much. It’s just not right.
It’s a thought to be dealt with. Because how can you get to the other side if you feel like you shouldn’t get there because it’s not fair…
Today I heard a speaker talk about how many of us are not ready to accept our blessings when they come, and so we sabotage ourselves because secretly we don’t believe that we should have or be the things we want to have or be… He suggested that if you would like to make it to the other side, then you work at cultivating a consciousness of acceptance of your good. For me, that means I have to work at knowing and believing that it’s all right to be all right.
I can do that…
Day 7
It’s all right to be all right
I’m not quite sure where to start today, but I’m writing this one with my eyes closed so that I can get out of my analytical mind.
I know that the logic mind is the one we are trained to respect, but there is value to the intuitive part of us that feels as well.
It’s early morning and I’ve been up all night just so that I could type this and say that I’m a woman of my word, and I’m proud to say, I AM. It was hard, i aint gon lie. It was hard to get off the bed today, and i almost went to sleep without writing my ten pages or sending my query letter.
but around eleven pm, a friend of me, who reads my blog, called me and reminded me to get up and be a woman of my word. and i did. i finished the first sequence of my script (it turned out to be seven pages, which i’ll trim to five, but even better!), and i wrote a heart-felt query letter for my children’s book and even typed up a fancy envelope which i put it in.
and im thinking about a time in my life when i was about eleven years old and i was a weirdo outcast in school and i didnt have a friend in the world besides my journal and i wished that i could share things with someone, anyone. and i never would have imagined that one day somebody would call me, a friend would call me, to remind me to keep moving towards my goals.
and today i am grateful. because one of my lifelong dreams have come true. i have a friend. i have more than one, but one is enough to bring me to my knees and say that anything is possible. why did anyone tell me that life could be good???
i said i was gonna talk about rewards and punishments, and i don’t really want to anymore, but i’ll keep my word… i think we never really know whether we are being punished or rewarded until the end. the best we can do is keep our conscience clean. for me, that means saying sorry when i know i’m wrong, doing what i truly believe is right, and being honest with myself when i know i don’t know. it’s getting easier for me to believe that life can be magnificent.
So many of our dreams have already come true. Thank you God.
Day Six
Dreams do Come True. Recognize.
I didn’t write last night. I went to sleep instead. It’s morning time and I usually write these late in the evening when the world is asleep, so this one will be short.
I wanted to write my ten pages and send out that query letter before I posting a new blog, since I said I was gonna do it, but the beckoning of the bed was strong, and my day was long, so I went to sleep.
I forgive me. I hope you do too. I’ll do better today. I am learning to become a woman of my word. Part of that is being realistic about where you are in life so that you can accurately predict what you are willing and able to do. Lately, my hands tremble and I have trouble breathing whenever I make a forward move, so I recognize that I am experiencing some serious resistance to progress.
My intention and desire to move forward and live the life that I was designed to live are greater than anything else right now, so I’m sure that with God’s help, I will overcome these self-destructive patterns. But for now, please be easy on me.
I’ve been thinking about this whole thing about punishments and rewards, and will elaborate on it later tonight. Just a thought. Many of us look at our lives, especially when we are going through difficulties and say “oh, we must be being punished for this, that, or the other'”. Sometimes, however, our struggles are the foundations of the greater things to come and then in hind-site we say, “oh, that time in life was the biggest blessing I’ve ever had”. How do you know the difference? Any thoughts?
I’ve got to go find a place to live, pack my things, and write a query letter, ten pages of a script, and maybe go to dance class, so I’ll get back later this evening. I guess this isn’t an official day day since I flaked out last night, so I won’t count it as one.
oh- I DIDN’T CRY YESTERDAY!!!
Be easy.
Well, I was really looking forward to moving on to the “and then some” part, but I cried again today! LOL.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. How it is possible to break up with an ex, I don’t know… but I had been holding on to the possibility of being with a man for a long time now, even though I am never quite sure whether or not we are “together”. He lives in another country but we met in L.A. When we met he said it was love at first sight. I wasn’t into him at first, but he won me over with his words on the telephone and I actually fell in Love. We had the same life goals, the same rhythm when we talked, he was rich and he prayed a lot and it was quite easy for me to imagine spending forever with him and traveling to the ends of the Earth by his side. I wanted to Love him so badly and I was loyal to him even in my thoughts…
I wish I could tell you (or myself) what happened. It would make things easier. But the truth is, I don’t know. He just wouldn’t come see me and he wouldn’t let me come see him. Although he talked about the wonderful things he would do (be a wonderful father, support me in my career, start a business together, pray and cook together, and even go dancing!), none of them came to pass, and I got tired of listening to his wonderful lies… Maybe he’s schizophrenic. Maybe I’ll never know.
I also found out that I lost my “uninhabitable living conditions” trial and I may very well have to move out of my apartment in the very near future. I will find out the details tomorrow.
My brother’s car also got stolen today, and I was planning to ask him for a ride when I start working again in a couple of weeks…
So I cried a lot today because it was hard for me to breathe all day and I’d like to stay in Cali and I’d like to live in a place that’s comfortable and I’d like to have a constant flow of income and a healthy happy relationship with a man I love, and oh yeah, I’d really like to be a writer. And none of those things seemed possible today.
I did do one thing that made me proud, though, after the day-long pity party. I finished writing my outline for my script. I have been talking about finishing this script for over four years now, so this is a big deal. Tomorrow, Insha ‘Allah, I’ll write at least ten pages and I’ll send out a query letter to a publishing company for my children’s book.
I guess I could either get back on the bed and cry my life away, settle for something easy and just numb out the dreams I’ve had, or keep moving. I’ve got nowhere to go but up, so I guess I’ll keep moving. Thanks for reading.
Day Five
Keep Moving.
This is a long one, but that’s because it’s been written over a long period of time.
Stephen King said it wonderfully in his book “On Writing”. He spoke about how a writer is like a magician, how one can write a thought down in January 2011, edit it in March, publish it in July, and someone can read it years later and be transported to a place from the past.
So, although this is the fifth entry of this blog, it is has been written over a period of time between January and July 2011. I’m ready to move on to the “and then some” part of this journey, but there are a few more things that I learned about how not to cry that I’d like to share with you.
I have come to believe that if you can get off the bed, keep walking, and fight for your piece of joy like your life depends on it, then miracles will happen. Now, if getting off the bed is the solution to getting off the bed, but you can’t seem to get off the bed, then how do you get off the bed? Sigh… I asked that question many-a-time while staring at the ceiling, and what I found is that you just have to get up. When you are ready, you will.
So, a few things have happened since I set out on this journey. The first thing happened one day as I sat down to meditate. I held this piece of crystal in my hand, which had been given to me by I teacher who I respect. I remembered a time when he had told me, “Lady, you’re a millionnaire. And I’m not talking about money.” I felt special to have had met him and for once, I didn’t beat myself up and tell myself that it’s bad to feel special. I just let myself feel special, because I wanted to feel special, and i sat my butt down to meditate…
And I found something that I had lost a long time ago! I found faith. I found it again! I found it again and it felt so good. Because I knew I was going to make it out of this. Do you hear me??? Even now I know that we are going to make it out of this. I am strong enough because I know the One who created strength! There is spirit within us. It is undeniable. Imagine. We have been trying to build houses on our own, researching, putting boards up and tearing them down, but there is a knower that not only knows how to build houses, but He even created the wood that makes the boards and knows things about the wood that we have yet to discover. That spirit knows a way out of this. That spirit makes things happen…
The second thing that happened is that I talked to my momma. She loves me more than anyone else in the world. My momma told me to stop crying now. To get up now and stop crying. I’m gonna listen to her for once in my life. I’m gonna get up and do something. I told her i don’t know how much control I have over the crying thing but I can get up anyway, and maybe getting up anyway will help stop the crying.
I’m willing to let it all go. The need to be accepted and loved. The unspoken and spoken promises and agreements between me and all my past relations, with gratitude for the lessons exchanged, i let them go and i create a space for transformation. this is my destiny. my treasure. my gift. this is my life. i am determined to be free of the thoughts that bind me, to be free of the past that has haunted me for so long, i am ready to face all of the demons. in me there is a well. i know it even though i can not see it or touch it yet, i know that it exists. there is no reasoning around this, no logic to prove it. there is only law, and even this will not explain it fully. there is a thing called grace. it exists. it exists. but you must do the work. you must get up. you must say, yeah, i did that. that was dumb of me. yeah, i let that person disrespect me because i just didnt want to be lonely. yeah, i ran away because i was scared of good things. it was crazy. yeah that was me that lied to the person that trusted me. yeah, i didnt even believe God existed at one point. You have to tell the truth. Yeah, i tried to manipulate a situation so that someone would love me, come home to me. Yeah i felt jealous of another person’s happiness. Yeah i wasn’t there for someone that i could have been there for… This is what I’ve done. You’ve got to tell it all. Yeah, i punched him in the heart to get back at him because he hurt me… I did it all. The worst of the worst. I don’t even know all the things i need to apologize for, but God, will you forgive me, please? I’d like to do better now. Will you forgive me, please? I’d like to be honest now. Will you forgive me, please. They say you are the Most Merciful. Will you forgive me, please? I’d like to be a giver now. Would you forgive me, please? I’d like to be a blessing here on Earth and not a destroyer. Will you forgive me, please? In the places buried deep that are out of order, will you put me back in alignment with your grace? I will do the work. I will do the work. I will do the work.
Ameen.
Day Four
Do the work.
I almost quit writing this… One of my readers suggested a path for me to learn how not to cry every day, and it wasn’t by writing a blog. And so I got scared. Of exposing too much. Of losing friends. Of people who are close to me not approving…
So sorry for the delay in communication, I’ve been contemplating the meaning of life. I haven’t figured out a whole lot, but what I know is that setting an intention, making a commitment, acting on it, and seeing things out to the end seem to be correlated with happiness and peace.
So, I intend to see this here thing out. I intend to get out of this *hit and even smell the roses on the other side and I’m committed to writing every day until I see a magnificent transformation for the better in my life. I am not afraid, come what may.
Day Three
I didn’t cry today- at least not yet, but I almost did, and I was granted a small miracle.
How Not to Cry Every Day
hi,
so i made it off the bed. immediately after our conversation, i tried to work on my script, but broke down in tears instead. so then i went to my Facebook and deleted some friends. then i went back to the bed… then i fell asleep but not a real sleep because i had too much on my mind… so i sleep cried… for what? i can’t tell you exactly. mainly feeling sorry for myself.
this has been my usual routine for a while. i sleep cry. i pray for God to take the pain away and then i sleep for real. most of the time i wake up feeling better, but sometimes sleep cry rolls over to day cry. i don’t get much done unless there is an immediate requirement that will affect me not eating or having a place to live, and even that doesn’t always move me.
so anyway, i’m writing you this evening because after about a week of chronic depression, i have managed to get off the bed. this i can do. this i would like to do/share with you. i’m going to write a bit of this book every day (among other things) and id like to share with you. i’m learning how not to cry every day and i think this would be most useful to other people if i write it as i’m going through it.
this is a self-help book/memoir. ill write the forward and flesh everything out later, but for now, it’s a bit journalesque.
so would you do me just one favor? would you just read everything i write and not just glimpse through stuff?
thanks..
I Love You.
How Not to Cry Every Day (or La-Illahah Illah-la)
Day One
Get off the bed.
Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading.
I’m sure that many of you are asking the same questions that I have asked at times, ” Who are you and why should I read your blog???”
I’m just a woman trying to learn how to live the life of my dreams, and I’m aware that after reading my writings you might think I’m arrogant, or silly, or just downright stupid. For a long time, the thought of not being accepted has stopped me from doing the one thing that I love to do most: write.
You know what I realized, though? One day I’m going to die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe ninety years from now. And nothing anyone thought about anything I did will matter. What will matter is whether I lived my life doing what I thought was best.
So I think it’s best that I write this blog…
Where This Comes From
In about January 2010, after yet another break-up with a man I thought I was going to marry, I had a major breakdown. Nothing in my life made sense any more. I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I was crying every day. Over something. Over nothing… I felt like I was just floating in the middle of a vast ocean.
I really don’t know how I made it through that time, but about a year later, in January 2011, I realized that I had made it through the hardest year of my life without dying and so I decided that it might be worth the effort to learn how not to cry every day, since I was gonna be here for a while.
I told a good friend of mine that I was going to do a self-experiment with becoming un-depressed, and he suggested that I write about it while I’m going through it, noting that most people forget what it was like over here when they get to the other side of happy. Sounded good to me, so for a while I did that. I wrote my friend a journal-esque entry every day about my adventures in not crying. That worked out at first, but then it didn’t. So I stopped. In the meantime I learned some things…
We write in our journals and hide them in the deepest, darkest places, closets, drawers, even under our beds, pretending all the while that we don’t want anyone to read them, when truly it is the only thing we really want. For someone to care. For someone to clean out the drawers and find out who we really are…
Why This Comes
My hope for this blog is that it will help. Both you and I. I think the world will be a better place when people can be honest about who they are and get over this notion that we have to be ashamed of the struggles we have been through. We’ve all had issues and oftentimes, our struggles are the greatest catalysts for our forward transformations.
It makes me happy to share my life with others and feel connected to people, and, since I mostly eat dinner by myself these days, I hope that I can come home and tell you how I’m doing. Your interest helps me to be accountable for continuing on an authentic path of integrity …
Structure
This blog started out with two categories, but has since evolved to many sections. It starts with “How Not to Cry Every Day Then”, which are the original writings I sent to my friend when I embarked on this adventure in January 2011, and “How Not to Cry Every Day and then Some”, which are written in real-time. It then continues on to “How to Live With Integrity” “How to Blossom” and on. The topics change as major shifts are made in my life and the current topic is “The Initiation”.
It is organized by days. Although the most current blog is on the top of the page, the story begins with Day 1, and I invite you to read whatever interests you. I started off writing an entry every day, but I have stopped crying every day a while ago, so now I just write when I am inspired, but they are still numbered by days. Every blog heading is titled with something I learned on that particular day, and they are in order from Day 1 until Day…
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……
There is a place in the in between. The space between a thought and an action. The space where you know that the thought you just thought will come to pass. Insha’ Allah this is going to be good…
