I’m glad i stuck to my decision to move into the new apartment.
I spent the first night there last night and it’s cool. It’s nice to have a separate room from my sis and yet still have her around…
I don’t have and haven’t had internet for a couple of weeks, and I don’t really live near a free internet spot, so it’s kind of challenging to write these consistently. I will get it turned on soon in the house and in the meantime do my best to write as often as i can.
I’m feeling a little down tonight. I broke up with yet another man who i was never with. This one is a bit more complicated, though, because this guy was actually a good friend of mine, probably the closest friend that i have at the moment.
We dated for a while and then we broke up because i didn’t like the way he was treating me and then we became friends and then we dated for a while and then we broke up because i didn’t like the way he was treating me and then we dated for a while… and this pattern has continued for the past three years.
We were right at the place where we would have been transitioning from being friends to dating again and he did a little thing that i didn’t like which reminded me of the big things he has done which i didn’t like, and it dawned on me that he has been doing this here thing for years and will probably never change…
So i broke up with him. I didn’t have to. We could have continued being friends and gone on with the drama after drama that inevitably comes when you are friends with someone who wants to be more than friends. I could have held on to him, just so we wouldn’t have to be alone, and just so he wouldn’t hate me, and just so we could at least both have a hand to hold sometimes, but, quite frankly, I’m tired now. I don’t remember what it feels like to really want to be with a man and have him really want to be with me back. I don’t know about being in love any more and trusting my heart with someone. I’d like to know those things again.
And, i can talk myself out of it, but i know i have to let him go. Not just him. Most of my friendships consist of men who I’ve either been involved with or men who want to be more than friends. If i let go of all of them, i will be left with… let me see… none, two, three… nobody to call a friend in this city besides my little sis. If i hold on, i will have people, at least someone, to spend time with, a man hand to hold, etc., but i will be leading folks on, breaking hearts, and inevitably not doing the right thing. it doesn’t matter why it’s not the right thing. its just not, and i know it.
So I’m letting go, and I know that this might be the hardest part for me so far. I’m letting go and i know that some folks are gonna be hurt and they are gonna talk about me. I’m letting go and i know they won’t know how much i Loved and appreciated them. They will call me names… I’m letting go and i don’t know if i will ever have the good thang that i dreamed of. But i know i have to do this. I have to do this…
Day 23
Let It Go
My brother-in-law put the cat in a cage last night. I slept in the closet with my sister.
I woke up this morning to find a text from my brother suggesting that I reconsider moving into the apartment that I’m supposed to get the keys for in the next two hours. He thinks the neighborhood is too dangerous… Technically the neighborhood is not dangerous and we will be living three blocks away from a dangerous neighborhood, but…
I really just wanted to clean the floors and get my bed today, set up my desk and organize my papers… I was so looking forward to a place to call home, and the apartment is nice and clean and spacious and very gated. The only issue might be walking through the neighborhood three blocks down at night, but we can work that out.
I’ve lived in areas considered dangerous before and I’ve run this thing over and over in my head and considered the possible consequences. There will always be other options, and I’m sure that with some more time (I’m not sure how much) we might be able to find a place within two miles of sis’s school that is in a safer neighborhood and has similar value…
Call me stubborn, but I already made up my mind. We’ll be just fine.
I’m going to get the keys.
Day 22
Make a Decision and Stick to it
I went to work at my education job and was surrounded by young folks today, and now I’m sitting at a college writing this blog.
I Love young people: they are so alive. I’m not a young person or an old person, I’m at that age where people start giving up or living up. You know, the 25-35 year-olds… Today i feel full of life and promise, like the kids walking around this campus with their lives ahead of them or the little girl who smiled at me at the school today and told me to “have a nice day”.
My fire is lighted. I lit it for real right around the time i started writing this blog, and i am glad that it is still burning.
From now on, I’m going to write these in the morning. I have written them in the evenings, midday, midnight, mornings, etc., but i think there is something to be said about reflecting and setting an intention before you walk out of the house in the morning. It helps to guide the path of your day.
The cobwebs are clearing up. I can feel it. I made it through the storm. I know it. I feel strong. Heck, I am strong. I am strong. I admit it.
I have always been afraid, prior to now, to announce the good things about myself. Like i thought it would make me seem arrogant or proud or i thought that maybe people wouldn’t like me and they’d hate on me if i was too good at one thing or another or i thought that maybe i wouldn’t have any friends or a man if people thought I was too good. When i look at it now, it doesn’t make any sense. One part of you says you want to be (happy, successful, spiritually aligned, at peace, etc.) and the other part says it’s not ok to be that way. Internal conflict=stagnation=confusion=backwards movement=death=internal conflict=stagnation=confusion. You get the drift. It never occurred to me that there are people who rejoice in the success of others. I’m letting that thought cook…
I am moving tomorrow. Forward. To a new apartment. I’m going to bathe it in rose oil and get a comfy bed and that makes me so excited. I’m going to finish my script and it’s going to become a movie that inspires and helps a lot of people. I am going to help a lot of people in my life and I am becoming a spiritually aligned, peaceful, powerful. loving, kind, happy, wise, successful woman… These things are hard for me to say, by the way, but I have to say them to get over the fear of stepping into the fullness of who i am.
Let the haters come as they may. You got to open your mouth, you got to stand up, you got to fight and say “YES, MY LIFE IS A GOOD LIFE. AND WHAT?” We are all starving to know, to believe, that goodness is real, that it is OK to live this way.
There is a place in Spirit where you are protected, supported, and Loved. I’m going there…
Day 21
Testify
Today was a bit of a blur…
Last night my brother-in-law’s cat thought it was a good idea to sleep on top of me all night and pounce on my blanket any time I moved, so sleeping was a challenge.
I talked to an old friend who i grew up with today, a thug-turned-religious man who wanted to marry me at one point, and he proceeded to tell me about everything that’s wrong with me and “free-thinking women”. Actually, he didn’t tell me what was wrong with them, he just told me that i shouldn’t be that way.
I know he wasn’t really mad at free-thinking women and he probably had deeper issues, but he made me realize how far away i’ve gone from where i come from.
Now I’m used to not fitting in. I’ve been a black sheep by default since childhood and that hasn’t really bothered me for some years now. but today i felt particularly alone, and i felt afraid. I realized that i don’t personally know many people who are living the lives of their dreams. I mean, in theory, yes. But mostly i see so many people with empty eyes, so many people who have just given up.
And i’m asking myself who do i think i am? Why can’t i just swallow the smog and be ok with it? Why don’t i just give up? Settle. Do something easy with myself. Have someone’s baby and go teach at a school or something. It’s not that hard to just marry somebody. People do it every day. Why do i care about “fulfilling my destiny” and why am i so sensitive to the tone of people’s voices and the aura that surrounds them?
And I’m not one of “those” people yet. You know, the ones we hear about, the Oprah’s and Speilberg’s and Ghandi’s, but i’m not in the other group either and i don’t want to be numb and distracted anymore and i still believe. i can’t help it. i still believe a good life, an ideal life is possible.
So what to do? Surely i can’t be on this mission alone… I’m going to reach out. I thank God that i have learned not to always lean upon my own understanding. I’m going to reach out. I’m going to find some folks on a similar path so we can help each other build… Wish me luck.
Day 19
Reach Out
I was washing clothes this morning and I couldn’t find my roll of quarters and it almost broke me, and then a friend called (at 4am) to ask how I was doing. He suggested i look in the washer, and voila, there they were. Help is really everywhere.
I’m feeling quite exhausted. I have been on go for the past few days with very little sleep, and today isn’t going to be any different. I have to finish a job application, rewrite a writing submission that i sent in earlier this week (i think it’s a good thing that they gave me notes and actually asked me to rewrite some things), go to two different jobs, hopefully, hopefully go put a deposit down on an apartment that I saw yesterday, and then finish packing my stuff so i can move out of this apartment by tomorrow.
They say it takes 28 days to make a change. I’m on day 17, but it seems like a long time. Sometimes I feel like running back to my momma or finding somebody to wave a magic wand that will make everything OK. I don’t know what keeps me going, but I think it’s the knowledge that if I don’t keep going my life is gonna suck… Motivational, i guess. It’s the stubborn inability to settle for less than who I am. It’s the commitment that i made and somewhere it’s even a feeling of responsibility. I have quit many-a-thing before but this time I’m going to keep at it. I have to…
Day 17
Be Consistent
Well, lets just say the nitty got gritty.
I didn’t have time to write yesterday. I was busy trying to sort out where I’m going to live in the next few days and meet some job deadlines.
I’m smiling this morning. For no good reason except that I know everything is going to be all right. Think about it. I have led a life of many struggles (some of which I didn’t have to go through), but there has never been a time when I didn’t have water or food or a place to sleep or someone somewhere to love (a luxury) or someone who loved me. I don’t see why this time should be an exception.
I cried my butt off yesterday, but I’m proud to say it didn’t last. I found out that I wasn’t gonna be able to move into my dream apartment for various reasons and I still have to get out of the one I’m in a few days, and so of course i was devastated and tired. I’m gonna miss this place. I put a lot of love into making a really raggedy situation into something nice, a home almost. I even painted the walls…
This is a part of it. The part where things don’t go as planned and you don’t break down. The part where I embrace change and allow the old to die. There’s no way around it. I am the alchemist and this is my story. I trust that things will turn out well.
Day 16
Everything Is Going To Be All Right
Love Lives in open places…
He called, and put his heart on the chopping block to see what i would do… He is brave… We’ll see.
I am up before the sun today feeling like everything is possible.
And i think God plants seeds in open spaces. It is up to us to till the soil.
Time to get to the nitty gritty…
Day 15
Let Love and Life Live
Alhamdullilah
hownottocryeveryday 