It’s late morning and the day started kind of slow. I’ve been sick all week. First my eyes were acting up, then a cold, and now a slight headache.
Guess what, though? I finished my song!!!!! I’m really proud of it, because I actually like it. It’s the kind of song that I would listen to, and I find myself even singing it at times. So, I sent it out to about 13 people (friends and family) and all except one really like it as well. Most of the people I know have never heard or read any of my creative writing, and it was kind of cool, because my family thinks differently of me now. They actually think I’m talented, instead of thinking that I’m just over here in Cali picking my nose all day. So that’s great. I did a copyright on the song and I submitted it to my connection with the artist that I wrote it for, so we’ll see. I think she’s gonna love it. I’ll keep you posted.
There is so much to talk about. I’ve been going through so many changes these days. Sometimes I can’t keep up and my head just starts hurting.
A strange thing happened when I finished my song. I got all depressed and worried, and right now I’m feeling a little scared, God. I finished my song like You told me to do and I submitted it, but rent is coming up soon and I’m getting the urge to go pick up some quick rinky dink job instead of spending all day working on my projects and doing yoga. There’s just no way around it. I don’t have a sponsor that’s willing to pay for my living while I finish stuff. Maybe you should find one, You say. Hmm… There’s an idea…
The good stuff. Always remember to come back to the center. It is easy to get lost if you don’t remind yourself. I miss him sometimes, You know? You know. Sometimes I get worried and wonder if this way of life really works or if I’m just wasting my time, you know? You know. I am strong, but sometimes I am just a little girl wanting my daddy to make me some porridge again. Sometimes I don’t want to be the leader anymore, but I just want someone to take care of me, I mean really take care of me. Love me. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I just want life to be easy.
I get tired of trying to ward off all the guys who don’t give a sh*t about me. I get tired, God, of having to do so much work on myself just so I can accept good things. I get tired of failed relationships and almost successes, and sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith because, well, because how do you keep the faith when you don’t know what’s going to happen? How do I trust that everything is going to be all right when I haven’t really known many examples of people who are happy with their lives?
All of these fancy philosophies sound good in theory, but how do you practice them? It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m the farthest thing from lazy. But I feel lazy when I’m writing all day and I get a bill saying my insurance is due or a have a loan to pay back and You tell me to write all day and then my loan will be paid, but I don’t see the correlation between writing and paying car insurance and You say keep the faith but sometimes I look silly to myself because I know how to get a paycheck and I’m not doing that and what if I finish writing and then there’s still no money???
Keep the faith, You say. Sigh… There is a fine fine line between faith and stupidity. OK. Worst case scenario. I finish writing everything and then no money magically appears. I clean up and organize everything in house and no man knocks at my door. Hmm… I guess I could always get a rinky dink job then or even a fancy job and I could go outside and get a man any day. I could sublet my apartment. So what You’re saying is that I really don’t have that much to lose and everything to gain…
You know this is really challenging for me, huh God? You know. Grow, baby. Grow, You say. Make it easy. Make it fun. Make it Your life. I am with you. I am with you. Always.
Day 163
Keep The Faith
Good morning world,
I miss writing here. Today has been the first morning since my return to LA that I have woken up feeling alive and feeling like myself, with a clean heart and a smile buzzing on my mouth. Good morning.
I don’t have much to write about. This week went by pretty fast. The mundane stuff: my roommates moved out and now I officially live alone, I almost (almost) finished my song and I love it, I started going to a yoga class every day and doing acupuncture again, I have an audition today (I don’t really act, but saw this great short film with wonderful filmmakers and I wanted to be a part of it, so I submitted my info and they called me for an audition), and I’ve been resisting the urge to run into the arms of whatever man so I won’t be lonely.
It hasn’t been that hard. I don’t actually feel lonely and this is a new thing, because I thought I would be lonely living by myself, but I’m not. This week, I realized that I have more people in my life than I give myself credit for and on any given day, there is always someone that I can call to come and have dinner with me or go to whatever event or just hang out. I had been getting invited to so many social things that this weekend I decided to just chill out and be at home so that I could get some house things done, such as cleaning out the energy of the former roommates, organizing stuff, redecorating the place so it feels like a loved home, and finishing my song.
I like this pace of living. It’s like eating food slow. You can savor the moments. I’m happy, Allah, and my mind is clear and I know that good things are created from a clear, peaceful mind, and so I am excited about the good things that I know are going to happen at this point in my life. How do I know? I just know, and I’ve never been wrong before when I know what I know.
Today I don’t have any complaints or worries. I don’t know how anything in life is going to turn out. Nothing at all, but I know it’s going to be good. You may wonder how I know this. I know that everything is going to be good because that is what I am choosing. I am choosing to go all the way, God, and I am trusting You with all of me. I have been teetering on this way of life for some time now, because trusting You might mean doing things that don’t make sense to my logical mind at times, like living alone for a time instead of having some roommates to help me pay this rent. I am trusting You, though, because I finally see that this is the way of life for me. I haven’t trusted anyone or anything in such a long time, but I’m trusting You today, and I’m choosing not to worry. At the end of the day, people are either going to say that I am really smart or really stupid, and their judgement will be dependent on my success, but it doesn’t matter.
Because I look around at all the unhappiness and despair on the faces of so many and I think that much of the negativity can be attributed to one thing: we lie. We know that often times there is an inconsistency between who we would really like to be and who we really are, and we lie to ourselves to compensate. We know we don’t really like the person we are in a relationship with, but we lie to ourselves so we can look good to the world. We say we Trust you and profess to believe this, that and the other, but our actions prove otherwise. We choose jobs that don’t fulfill us, speak words that aren’t true and do so much lying that eventually we forget the truth. We forget that we used to like to smile and cook for people. We forget that there is goodness in the world. We forget, even, who we are and who we wanted to be, and in our anger and frustration, we aim to destroy, both ourselves and anyone else who would dare to challenge our false identities or see the truth in us…
I have seen the lies in myself. I have found the root of my unhappiness, and it was this: I realized that the person I really thought I was, in my deepest, highest thoughts, was not who I really was in the world. You see, from a young age, I have always felt that I was going to do something in the world, and by do something, I mean I felt compelled to make things better and I had the audacity to think that I had it in me to do that. I fathomed this dream life, surrounded by honest, progressive, creative people, where I lead and contributed to different projects, creative and humanitarian and was just ridiculously happy. My conscious was clean. I had a man and a couple of kids that I actually liked, loved, and respected… I was organized and very honest in my interactions. I was at peace with my past and present and all of my close relationships had a foundation of integrity. Money was never an issue, and in fact, I had so much of it and owned so much stuff that I had to find ways to give it away. And in my dream me, I am a person of integrity. Even in my deepest thoughts, you will not find a lie. You see, this is who I really think I am. I don’t know where I got the audacity to think these thoughts, but they are there, in the deepest parts of me. I think they are there because they are there…
And so, my mission now is to bridge the gap between who I am and who I really am. There is still time or at least there is still time to try. The rat race just doesn’t make sense anymore. Unhappiness doesn’t make sense anymore. I am leaning on you, God. I’ve been trying to do it all by myself and not listening to your instructions. I thought I was smart, and I still think I am, but I am not smarter than the One who Knows the ways of the wind. And I’m not despairing today and I’m not sad and I actually trust You today and I am excited about walking in the direction that You guide me, so thank you! Thank you for this morning. Ameen.
Day 162
Stop Lying
7 am on a Saturday morning. The weather is changing and I had to close the windows and get a blanket to snuggle in as I write. Soon I will have to turn on the heater.
Seasons are changing. The other day I bought a new phone. I have been using a very outdated “stick” phone for a very long time, and I love my little phone. It’s simple and it has easily pushable buttons, but it couldn’t receive pictures or graphic messages, so I’ve been planning on getting a new one for some time..
The thing is, a little while ago, Dream Lover had told me he was going to get me new phone. I have been secretly waiting for him to knock on my door one day, phone and all other unfulfilled promises in hand… I realize that me getting my own phone means that it’s the real beginning of the end. I’m not waiting for him any more.
The seasons are changing. I have actually been working diligently towards finishing projects, one at a time, and I’m seeing progress. Go figure.
Something interesting happened to me earlier this week. I was driving in rush hour and I needed to stop at the bank. There was a parallel parking spot beside a car dealership across the street from the bank, and so I pulled forward so that I could park in it. Well, as I pulled forward, the car behind me pulled right up to my bumper so that I couldn’t back up and park. Then he started honking at me. I looked out of my window and gestured for him to go around, but he shook his head “no”. Then he just sat there and continued to beep at me. We were blocking traffic and the cars behind us started to beep, but I was determined not to move and let this jerk win…
After the light changed about two times and both of us were still sitting in the same place, a guy from the car dealership walked up to my car. He had a soothing voice and asked me how I was feeling. Then he asked me if I would please just park in the car dealership lot… So I breathed and I did. After going to the bank, I came back to my car and chatted with the guy… He kept looking into my eyes. At the end of the conversation, he asked if he could pray for me, and I said he could, and so he prayed for me. He prayed that all of my dreams would come true and he reminded me that everything I was trying to do wasn’t about me. He said that I was going to be blessed with a lot of success, but that I was going to be blessed so that I could bless others. Then after he prayed, he said, “It’s gonna happen, and not because I said so”. He said he was just a messenger and my destiny was already written… I’m just now realizing how sweet that experience was as I’m writing about it. He could have been a crazy nut or a real messenger or just a man wanting to hold my hand, but he took the time out to pray for me, to comfort me, and to take me out of the rage road state of mind that I was in. He did it on purpose, and he was just a stranger… Thank you God, for kindness and compassion.
I got invited to a couple events this weekend, one of which is a Native American harvesting ceremony. I was going to sit in the house and sulk around, but my friend coaxed me to come on out into the sunshine and participate in life with other people. I have friends. Thanks God.
I am realizing that Dream Lover will probably never come back. It doesn’t even matter why. The truth of the matter is, it has nothing to do with me. And I am beyond sad. Not devastated or disappointed. Not even heartbroken. Not numb or angry or despairing. I am just accepting, God, but this feels worse of all, because it means that there is nothing anymore… I know there will be a new man, probably sooner than later, but at last I have come to the place where the shiny new stuff doesn’t dazzle me so much. Who would have thought that me, miss run around the earth, would actually be interested in staying still and settling down with one thing? I had actually finally learned to love and accept an entire person, flaws and all, and I was looking forward to practicing this kind of love. Wow. I think I finally know the ingredients of the kind of relationship I would like…
“You are strong in spite of your timid smile”, You whisper to my Spirit. You are able. In fact, you are more than able. You have endeavored to recreate your entire identity from sad to happy. From sick to well. You have dared to discover and bring out the joy in you and the good in you and oh, you have even dared to do it in public, and the dark forces that have surrounded you are very upset, but they cannot survive in the light you are stepping into. You have been to Heaven and hell and back. Do you see how lucky you are? Most do not make it out of hell, nor do they want to come down from heaven, but you, sweet Laydie, have been to both and you have chosen to stay here, in the joy, in the sadness, in the ebb and flow that is life on earth. And in your journey, you are becoming wise…
Good job. it’s okay to give yourself credit. you deserve it. good job, Laydie. wobbling, you are learning to walk in your new identity, but soon you will be running and eventually you will fly! do you believe it?
there is no pressure at this point. the good stuff is not about pressure and strain. it is not about forcing situations or people to be one way or the other. the good stuff is about accepting, relaxing, and acting on what you know. there is a profound amount of trust and faith that you must demonstrate, and you are doing it. everyone in your circle will not be able to walk beside you, and it’s okay. this is your journey, and they are on theirs…
We have done a lot of cleaning and clearing and We have planted some new seeds, even without you knowing. In your Spirit, you have asked to become Yourself, and We have heard your cries. We have seen the work you are doing. It was not all in vain. All of it, even this moment now, is not in vain. Now, like the ceremony you are about to go to, it is harvest time. It is time to let the dead rest, give thanks for it, and step into the new. Your new phone is a good thing. Your new life is a good thing. It’s Harvest time…
Day 161
Harvest Time
It’s morning again, not early morning, but work hours.
I’m not at work. I’m at home. My nine to five was supposed to start back up last week, but I didn’t go.
This past week, I’ve been mulling over my life, doing an assessment of sorts. In the back of my mind, I can remember a time when I was successful. I was that girl. With the good paying job and the fancy clothes. I was the one who always had money in my account and got all the scholarships and grants for stuff. I was that person who could say she wanted to do a thing, and everyone believed she was going to do it. That was me, who bought a house when I was under 30. That was me who was successful. That was me who always had good friends and family to hang out with. That was me who actually had awesome men vying for my love…
I fell off somewhere, and the other day I looked in the mirror. No wonder I have been depressed for so long. There was a time when I actually lived a balanced, healthy life. There was a time when I was doing exactly what I wanted to do: teaching, being a part of dance group, praying, having dinner with friends and family and going to the chiropractor on my health insurance… There was a time that life was good… I remember it. I know what life was like, and that is why it is so hard for me to reconcile what life is like now, and who I have become…
So this morning, I was looking around and looking within me. Because I can write a blog forever, but at some point, something has got to change. And I’m talking about real, lasting change. I just can’t live like this forever. I can’t be poor forever. I can’t sad forever. I can’t be sitting here with all of these books and movies and songs and ideas in me forever and not get them out. I can’t have all this love and life in me and not share it with people. I know better, and now that I know better, I have to do better. This life I have now just really won’t do for me…
This morning I was praying and meditating and I could locate the exact moments in my life when I began to fall apart. They were so vivid: My good friend who had never said a bad word to me calling me stupid, having to move out of the house when I had given everything in me to try and keep it, breaking up with the guy that I thought was my soul mate after giving up everything to be with him… My mom explaining something to me about our past and me not knowing what to believe… Getting evicted… And then having all these other silly relationships with men that had foundations of mutual usury…
Somewhere in the past couple of years, I broke. I really broke myself. I didn’t even see it happening, but now I can see clearly exactly what happened. Retrospect is always twenty twenty, but somewhere, I got lost. I started getting used to not trusting people. I started getting used to being sad and broke. I started getting used to saying I was going to do something and not following through, and I got used to never ever finishing anything I really cared about. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped believing in anything really. It happens…
I think we are creatures of habit. You get used to your shit. Yeah, I said it. Shit. We get used to being liars or angry or lonely because sometime a long time ago, someone hurt us or disappointed us and we thought we had to protect ourselves. And we probably did have to protect ourselves from that person or that situation, but we make that closed space of guardedness our lives.
What a wonderful thing then, to be able to wake up one morning and see what’s really going on. That’s the first part of real transformation. Now, I’ll give myself some credit. I have been intentionally working towards change for about a year now, and I have seen some progress, but my life on the outside still does not reflect who I know I am on the inside, or at least who I know I’d like to be. I don’t have a long way to go, and this is what this blog is about today: commitment.
It’s my favorite scary word, and even now, just saying it brings up thoughts of betrayal and woundings from the past… I think commitment is a necessary agent for change, though. You don’t lose weight by just running around the track one day. You have to exercise consistently. You have to change your diet. But first, you have to make a clear decision that this is what you are going to do and then do what you can to do it, in spite of hunger pains and withdrawal symptoms, in spite of how long it may take. You have to make a clear decision about what you want to do or be and then decide that you are not going to stop until you see your goal out until the end…
So today I’m making a commitment. It’s just a commitment to myself. I’ll be clear instead of making a vague, broad commitment. At this point in my life, I’m at zero, tabula rasa. So I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. I’m just now realizing that this is actually not a bad place to be. My old life before these last two years, which I will call the Dark Ages, was good, but it’s not the life for me anymore. My calling is different now, more vast. I’m not afraid of it any more… So let’s go, God. I’m making a commitment today, You and I. I’ll start with the big and then we’ll get down to the details. Today, I make a commitment to live a good life, and I mean a real good life. A real good life that consists of a balance between giving and receiving. This good life consists of joyous, harmonious, loving interactions with my fellow travelers. This good life consists of abundance, more than I could ever imagine. For real. Not just in some affirmation. This good life consists of expressing all of the gifts that I am inspired to express. All of them. This good life consists of a continual cleansing of my heart, mind and spirit and a continual growing up. I am making a commitment today, Allah, to be that woman that I was destined to be. And I’m for real about it… I know, it’s a tall order to fill. I’ve got a long way to go, but I don’t feel like it’s a long way. I feel like I’ve laid a really strong foundation within myself and I thank you for all of the sorrow, Allah, that has helped to me a much more compassionate and forgiving and loving person. I thank you for all of it. I don’t regret it. I don’t even regret these past two years. I’m glad I can understand what it’s like to be broken. I won’t judge those people so harshly anymore, and I might actually be able to help them now. I’m glad I know what it’s like to love again and to give again…
I’m glad for it all… So, we’ll start with the little things: My money, my writings, and my relationships. Those seem to be the most pressing at this time. So today, I commit to doing at least one thing a day in all three areas. For real. I’m going to make a real list and put it on my wall. I commit to making at least one attempt to earn income a day. I commit to working creatively towards one project a day. Instead of scattering them around, I will commit to completions. Finish writing and submitting one project, and then go to the next. And I commit to interacting positively with at least one person a day. This is small, but these are commitments I know I can keep.
Not editing this blog today. I just want to get started… Ameen.
Day 160
Commit
This is my fifth attempt at trying to write this blog for the day and I’ve never rewritten one entry this many times, but it’s just not flowing right.
So much has changed and is still changing. Maybe I don’t have too much to say…
Hmm… I wanted to tell you that I made it through my most recent breakdown of sorts and I got some clarity. I found my focus again. I remembered why I had come to California in the first place. I came here to go to school and then to be in an environment where I could connect with the right people who would help me develop my writing skills and finally get my work published and produced.
I travelled all around everywhere this summer and got to experience different aspects of life, and I am so glad Allah. I am so glad for all of the experiences that I have had. My life is not complete, though. I have a lot to do here, and my life is actually beginning intentionally for the first time. It’s not a reaction to poverty anymore. It’s not an escape from pain and loneliness. I am creating from a place of fullness.
And this writing is not flowing smoothly today, but guess what? I’m gonna’ write any way, and I know you are going to bring the words to me, God, because you gave me the inspiration.
So I’m sitting and I’m waiting for You… and this is going to be good. It already is. That’s where We were when We last left off. The good stuff. Give it to me, Lord. I’m laughing because You are telling me to give it to You. It’s in me, You say. I am the good stuff. Thank you.
As I write, my world opens up and I let you in… And I thank you for reading. The good stuff is sharing a laugh with my sisters. It’s writing. It’s having more money than I need to do or be whatever pleases me. The good stuff is a man who has clean breath and knows himself. A wonderful book, sunshine and trees are good stuff. Fresh food. My mom when she’s happy. The good stuff is clear skin and knowing that everything will be all right. It’s yummy, delicious, uninhibited expressions of Love. It’s witnessing growth, my own and others. Oooh, it’s good acupuncture and yoga teachers who know what they are doing. Bright-eyed kids and cuddly babies and teenagers growing into their skin…
The good stuff is this moment, God, when I am sure that I have crossed over. How do I know this when so much on the outside is the same? I can feel it. Yes, I can feel it in my bones. I am on the other side of happy, because even when I cry, even when everything falls apart, I know deep down that there is still good stuff around.
I know that this is the good time because even when I am alone on a Friday night, I can turn down invitations to spend my time doing things that aren’t good for my soul. I know I have arrived because I make choices from a place of certainty now, instead of feeling desperate to prove this, that and the other to whoever.
We have a choice, you know. We can choose a good life. We can choose a good life even if we can’t imagine a good life for ourselves. It’s like magic. You choose to have the good stuff and then your mind shifts and you start thinking about what the good stuff really means. And then after you figure out what that means to you, you can figure out how to accomplish it and keep sharing a laugh with your sisters, or only trust a man who knows himself with your heart.
But it might not work at first. If you’re not used to good stuff, you’ll probably mess it up the first time something good happens. It’s okay, though. You’re just fine tuning. Open up more. Pray a little more. Figure out what you could do better. Get some help. Blame no one. Forgive everyone. Everyone. And try again.
There’s no judgement. We all have to start somewhere. I’ve decided to stay in LA a little longer and focus on the good stuff. I’ve decided to tune my efforts and make the best of my time here, which means finally finishing projects and submitting them to all potential prospects. I’m gonna’ keep at it until I can honestly say I did my best. I’ve decided to forgive Dream Lover and my dad and anyone else that I’ve been waiting for an apology from. Again and again until I can say their names and not feel the slightest hint of resentment in my heart.
I’ve decided to keep trying to manifest the life of my dreams. Really, being who I am, I have no choice, but I’m not going to look at it that way. I am going to acknowledge the blessing and the gift in these thoughts alone, and I thank You God, for helping me to have an open heart and mind instead of a closed one…
I’ve decided to be on purpose, Allah, and I am strangely confident. I’m starting from a place of purpose. I’m starting with the knowledge that You are the Source of the good stuff. I am opening my heart and my mind and allowing life to flow smoothly. I will not stop until Your will is done. Again and again I get up and I get up and I get up… Ameen.
Day 159
Get Up (Again and Again and Again)
I just finished reading the most inspiring book I’ve ever read…
I’m back. Had a bit of a mental breakdown, but I’m back, better than ever. It doesn’t look that way on the outside, but it feels that way.
You know, the thing about hard times or breakdowns or low points, whatever you want to call it, is that they are not necessarily bad for you. Everyone wants to hurry up and get through the “hard times”, pretend they don’t exist. But they do. And sometimes there’s magic in them. Often times there’s a healing and a change in them, if we will just sit and wait.
So, I was really frustrated the last time I wrote, and I’m still slightly uneasy. Slightly. I couldn’t figure anything out. I had come so close to having the life of my dreams, in all aspects, and then suddenly everything just fell apart. Literally. And I found myself back in my bland apartment in the ghetto, with a very little bank account, no man, no writings sold, rent due, and having to park my car in another neighborhood so it wouldn’t get stolen. I no clue about what to do next.
In this past, this would have initiated a panic reaction. I would have found some kind of way to hurry up and try and get make a quick fix to everything: get some raggedy job that at least paid me money, find some guy to hang out with, or go out with one of my exes (some of whom happened to be suddenly calling me at the time)… You get the gist.
But I didn’t that this time. Instead, I did what any normal girl would do. I cursed the Earth that I walk on and broke down. I didn’t try to rationalize anything or plan. I didn’t try to make anyone do anything for me. I sought comfort in some people that I would have liked to be around, and when they didn’t answer their phones, I didn’t even send them mean text messages. I just allowed myself to fall apart because, quite frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.
God will bring you to your knees…
I prayed, you know, and I think God heard me this time. I think I heard myself. I told the truth about what I was really feeling. I put it in this blog and I humbled myself. I don’t know it all. That’s just the truth. I’m not always right, whatever that means. I was hurting and I was sad and I was disappointed and I didn’t know what direction to go next. And worst of all, I knew that no one outside of me knew which direction to go either.
And so You brought me home to myself…
It doesn’t take that long for a transformation. Like the speaker at my spiritual center said, it only takes the courage to change. We all like to talk about people who have breakdowns and call them crazy and whatever, but the truth is, a breakthrough is always preceded by a breakdown. How could it be any other way?
When you decide to do something different or be someone different, you are literally going to go through changes. Whether that means that you are losing weight and your thighs itch and burn and the fat melts off or whether it means that you are changing your mind and your head hurts because new synapses are being built and destroyed, things are going to fall apart, and at some point, if you really want a change, you’re going to have to sit through it. All of the ugliness that is bound to come out. It’s trying to come out. That’s what you asked for, didn’t you?
So I’m sitting here today and the sun is setting as I sit on the rooftop of a building on my old college campus. I am at peace, Lord. There is no one left to curse out. There is no one left to blame. After the storm, there is only life and potential left…
I am happy because today I can see the potential for my life again, and this is where it starts, with a vision. I can see the power in words, amongst other things, and I can see that I am valuable. I’ve never said that before. I’ve never allowed myself to be that. I was scared that it was bad to be valuable. But we all have value.
I’m not in a rush to do anything or go anywhere any more. We have come to a new place, you and I, God. There is no need for the constant busyness. There is no need to be afraid, anymore. We have been through many storms and they didn’t kill us, and we have tasted bliss, just on the tips of Our tongues, and that didn’t make Our head explode.
And now, without the fear, I can do what I have been longing to do all this time. In truth, I can be myself. What a wonderful realization. To know that I can be myself. And I finally know who that Self is. Now I can be free…
Day 158
From Breakdown to Break Through
I have a friend who has been suicidal half of his life… His probably the smartest, most kind, loving and talented human being that I know, and he’s brave as well. But on the outside, people think he’s lazy because he hasn’t accomplished much as far as material success and sometimes he has a hard time finding the energy to do anything on any given day. I know he’s not lazy. I know he’s strong. I can’t imagine what he goes through in his mind, but I have seen him at his best from time to time and I know he’s brilliant….
He is on my mind, tonight, or this morning, I should say. Five am. I can’t sleep. I know I’m sleepy, but my mind won’t stop. It won’t stop, Lord. I reached another crossroads, just like that, and all of a sudden things don’t make sense again… Nothing really big even happened. I just woke up this morning after spending the night at my sister’s house, and went outside to meditate. On her part of town there is green grass and fresh air. People are affluent and doing things they want to do with their lives. I sat down and meditated and prayed and something happened. I don’t even know what it was. I just got lost in my meditation. Just for a moment, I could feel everything. I understood everything and nothing worried me. It was such a brief moment God. I know it couldn’t have lasted more than fifteen minutes human time, but it felt so real…
And then I came back to Earth and back to my life. My apartment was really hot today and my new roommates were being passive aggressive with their complaints about the heat. I spent most of the day doing nothing worth talking about and then this evening I helped my sister buy some new clothes and then went to my spiritual center and then took a Zumba class that rattled my body all around. I’m losing weight really fast. That happens when I’m in Cali. I had a thick, healthy body for a while, and I guess I like my figure that way, but physical movement makes me feel better and if I don’t exercise, I’ll get thick and thick and then fat…
I’m just rambling, avoiding what I’m feeling. I don’t want to tell people. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling really lost, God. Things aren’t making sense anymore. This world isn’t making sense. This ghetto neighborhood fifteen minutes away from the beautiful hills with the rich kids and clean air isn’t making sense to me. My brilliant friend who wants to slit his wrists every other day and the loss of Dream Lover just isn’t registering in my logic brain. My life, I mean the outward expression of my life given who I am on the inside, just doesn’t add up…
And we pray, and we work and we go mingle and we try and marry people and do things that represent success, but then I come home and for the life of me, I can’t figure out the point of it all. The right side of my lower body really hurts tonight and it’s been hurting for some time. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve done yoga, gone to chiropractors and doctors, done acupuncture, prayed and done affirmations, but the pain is still there. And it wasn’t always there. I wasn’t born with it. So what happened, God? Why can’t I fix it? Why can’t I fix my life? Why can’t it be the way I think it should be? I’m so frustrated. I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t see the point of it anymore.
Please help me. Most people don’t impress me anymore…. The sun is coming up already. Help me, Allah, please. I want my life to change, but I don’t know how to make it change. Help me, please. I’ve really been trying and I don’t want to stop believing in You. I don’t want to be bitter. I know You are real, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to pray. I don’t know which job to look for or where to live. I just don’t know any more, God. I just don’t know anymore. Nothing means anything to me…
I just wanted to love someone, but that didn’t work out, and I don’t even know why it didn’t work out. I don’t even know what I could do differently to have a love that lasts… sigh… I’m at my wits end, Lord, and I don’t care who knows. I don’t care who talks about me anymore. I need your help, Lord, and I am petitioning You. Yes, You. You said You were on my side. You said You were on all of our sides. We don’t know what to do. Help us. You said that all of our needs are met, but we live in a world where people are born poor and hungry and they spend the greater part of their lives just in reaction to that state of being. How can You tell someone to believe that all of their needs are met when they are hungry? It sounds good, but it’s really hard to believe when one’s physical reality does not reflect that.
So, I’m listening, God. Guide. Me. Please… You are not talking to me this morning. Because I said what I thought? Is this why all the guys leave? Do I just need to shut up? Yes, You say. Shut up and listen. I have heard your cries. I have heard them all. I will not forsake you… Do not forsake yourself. Hush now, and listen. There is comfort here. Oh, my Dear, I know it is not easy for you with a heart so big in this world. Do not give up this time, please. This is the last test. Listen. Listen… You have come so far. Cross over with me, now. Give up the need to understand everything before you experience it. Some things you will never understand. But know that I am God. I am with you. I have never left you. You will make it to the place that you call good. You will make it to places you never imagined and this day will be your testimony. Listen, now, and be blessed…
Day 157
Listen
I’m bummed out. Just found out that I got rejected for a screenwriting program that I really thought I was going to get accepted into…
God, You’re really doing a number on me… I had forgotten that rejection was a possibility for some time… So, I’m sitting in Panera Bread trying to get some work done before I go to a networking event tonight. The event is held by the organization that just rejected me. I didn’t know they were going to make decisions already, so I thought that if I went and met some of the people there, it might have increased my chances of getting picked.
Jokes on me. They already picked the people they wanted. Those people came to the networking event last month. I’ll still go to the event. I’ve got to fix my face, though, so I don’t look all sad and dejected.
So, okay. Now what? I made a really good connection with someone this past weekend that might help with my save the world overseas plans… I can feel the fear creeping in, God. The insecurity. It’s possible that nobody picks me. It’s possible that this doesn’t work. It’s possible that I can’t do it. That’s why my sibling told me to just give our land overseas to someone else? He didn’t think I could do it. Why do I think I can do it anyway?…
Is this all part of the plan? Knock me out with my greatest fears and see what I do now? Well, guess what I’m going to do? I’m not going to cry. So there! I’m not going to cry anymore. I’m going to suck it up, and I’m going to work with what I have. Just like I told my little yoga students a long time ago. “My mind’s made up with every thought. To do the best I can with what I’ve got.”
Let’s not play pretend anymore. I will never be all right with myself unless I can say I gave it my all. And I haven’t yet. I haven’t given my writing thing my all. Submitting the second draft of one script to one person is hardly saying that I tried my best to get this movie made. So that’s it.
Thank you. Yep. Thank you, God for this rejection. If you are for me and not against me, and if I am really trusting in you like I say I am committed to doing, then I have to thank you for everything. Everything that looks bad and everything that looks good. I have got to get beyond appearances. So thank you. Because I’m sitting in a cafe and I’m not crying even though things didn’t go as I had wanted them to.
I’m just not going to do it anymore. I’m not going to cry. There is nothing to let go of anymore, and crying is just a little habit that I’m about to break. I’ll do it when I need to, but right now, what I need to do is remember and tune in deeper. What I need to do is practice what I preach and work diligently. Right now is not the time for crying or closing up or getting scared of rejection. Right now is the time for rejoicing and opening my heart more and more. Because a new day is on the horizon. In fact, a new day is already here.
I have dreams of going into a nation of people who have seen greater disappointment than I can even imagine and teaching them how to move towards the light regardless. So here is my board exam. Can I do it? Can I move towards the light in spite of all appearances of darkness? Can I find your voice within me, God, and keep listening to it with no guarantees. Can I finally come to grips with the fact that in life, there are no guarantees? Can I embody wisdom and strength and still be loving? This is what they mean when they say “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”…
It’s not about some guy walking through a graveyard and not being scared. It’s about what happens inside of us. It’s about standing up when everything seems like it’s falling apart and saying praise God! It’s about trusting and believing that whatever is happening to you or around you is taking you to a higher place, and so you’ve got to say thank you. Because you don’t know what is in the works for you. I don’t know if I’m about to sell that script to the recent connection I made tomorrow.
And so, God, it’s me and you buddy. I actually believe that you are for me and not against me. Why would you be against me when you created me? And if you are for me and not against me, then everything in the universe is working together for my good. And if this is true, then this rejection is a good thing. This premise dries up my tears. It gives me strength and faith. I am staying open. Sorry, devil. I’m not retreating into fear this time. I’m staying open and I am finding the truth beyond appearances… Beyond appearances…
Day 156
Beyond Appearances
In Starbucks, listening to UB40 say that “Wise men say only fools rush in”…. Think I’m about ready to write my song now.
This is the last chapter of this blog. I like this blogging thing and I know how to do it better now, so I’ll start a new blog when I’m done with this one. For, now, though, the tone of my life is changing from a reactive to a creative space, and How Not To Cry Every Day doesn’t work anymore.
I knew I would forget, and I’m glad I have forgotten. I still know about sadness and depression. I spent this past week getting reacquainted with my bed and trying to figure out how I’m going to do this new Cali life thing without Dream Lover, after experiencing how good life could be with him. And it’s not easy… But it only took a week to get off the bed this time, instead of seven months. Somewhere in me, I know that my story has a really sweet ending, and I’m open to the good part now.
I hope he comes back. I really do, God, or I hope someone else comes sooner than later… I really Loved loving someone. But crying every day just doesn’t seem so appealing anymore. Hanging out with people I don’t like doesn’t really sound good either. Lying or pretending or just being plain sorry because I’m used to it doesn’t quite work for me any more, either. I’m bored with the redundant sadness, so I’ve run out of options.
There’s nothing left to do but the good stuff. I went back and hung out with all of my Cali friends this past week and spent time with some of my family, and I realized that none of them are going to save me from anything. They are all busy dealing with their own issues in their own ways…
So I went home to my bed. I cried a little bit. Maybe a lot. It’s all relative. And then I stopped. I looked to You, God. You came in the night and spoke to me in images and feelings. Words I could not comprehend, but I understood, somewhere. I’m still trying to get the words to say what I know, but sometimes things are more clear in other ways. That’s my job, as a writer, to bring the words to the things we don’t know how to articulate.
So, let me try to bring the words… The good stuff is you. Nobody’s gonna give it to you. You’ve gotta bring it out of you. Everyone has it in them. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been or what you haven’t done. The good stuff is you.
That’s what you told me, God. I felt you. You told me that the good stuff is me. It doesn’t matter if the person I wanted to go to the beach with today is caught up in his own drama or it doesn’t matter if Dream Lover disappears and never comes back. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a friend in the world or if I’m surrounded by people I Love. I am the good stuff. You are the good stuff.
We don’t always understand and we spend a lot of time running, trying to do thing and get things so that we will feel good. So that someone will be proud, so we can say, “Look at me! I did a good thing. Will you tell me good job, now? Will you tell me you love me, now? Will you say I am important???” We spend a lot of time hiding, so that someone won’t hurt us or whatever…
But you can’t hide from your thoughts. You can blast the radio up as loud as you want and keep yourself as busy as possible. it doesn’t matter what you do or where you go. It will never be enough until you are okay with yourself right where you are. Just as you are. Sad and everything. Poor and everything. Lonely, unfulfilled, confused, whatever the case may be. It’s a part of it, you know. It’s a part of a life. Life is not just about the roses… I know this now. You told it to me in my dreams, God. I felt it in my spirit… You are so good to me.
I want to say it right, though, so that it makes sense to my mind and my spirit. So that I can remember it when I start getting down on myself because I don’t have this, that and the other. Because I still want this, that and the other, you know? But more than that, more than anything, I’d like to be good on the inside. Sleep in peace for real with nothing left to say. With a clean heart. Satisfied with what I have done for this day with this life you have given me… I recognize that that place, “over there” is an illusion. That thing that you are supposed to get before you can be happy and all right is a lie. You’ve got to start with the happy. You’ve got to be able to look yourself in the eye with all of your cuts and bruises and all of things you think you don’t have, and you’ve got to be able to say, “Even now, I’m all right. Even now, I am worthy to be blessed. Even now, I’m a good thing”…
So this part of my life is about the good stuff, and I don’t mean the good stuff like a book sale or a marriage or whatever looks like the good stuff on the outside. That will come, Insha’ Allah, and I’ll tell you about it, but that’s not the good stuff I’m talking about. I’m talking about the real good stuff, which is all the stuff. This part is about surrendering to all of the good stuff that is within me, God, and accepting all of the stuff that it took for me to get to this point, calling myself and my life good and very good, and allowing You to bring me out of myself at last.
Ameen.
Day 155
The Good Stuff
Okay…
My brain is scrambled with so many thoughts. The guy who inspired me to write this blog would just look at me, and I would calm down. He could be so comforting when he wanted to be…
I miss my dad.
I am a little girl today, missing her daddy.
My sub-letter moved out today, and now I officially live alone. What should I do now, now that there is no one to save me or no one to blame for anything?
It’a a trip, the lengths we go to avoid taking responsibility for our lives. I’ve just been passing through this LA life, hoping that someone would rescue me. But I think, no one is coming. At least not in that way. No one is going to rescue me, because, truly, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m a rescuer and I want someone to swim with me that we may comfort and support each other on our paths…
Bring the truth out of me, Lord, and plant it firmly in my life.
The truth is, I am here, now. There is no million dollar bank account. Dream Lover is not here. There is no signed book deal, and no children or community center abroad. My family is still my family and my friends are still my friends, growing and experiencing life in their own ways, and some of them may never change or may change for the worse. There is no big fancy house in my name anywhere and the bills are still coming.
And I have been sitting here, waiting on all those things before I give myself permission to live, waiting on so many things before I let my life start.
No more.
I am here. This is the choice I am making. I am here in this apartment in this city in this country in this world and I am choosing to be here. It is a delicate art, to be where you are while planning for the future, but I’m going to master that art. That’s what I’m choosing in this moment, God. Because right here, even in this moment, the possibility for happiness exists. Even in my bland room, the possibility for beauty exists. Even without Dream Lover, the possibility to love and be loved exists, even now, even in the other relationships that I have. I live in one of the most beautiful, diverse states in the country and where I am there are limitless opportunities to express and experience joy and freedom.
Thank you, God. I’m going to stop questioning your tactics. Here I am. Now. And I’m not here by accident. This is where I chose to be. I went all over the world this summer and had options to be other places with other people and do other things. I still have options, but I choose to be right here in this apartment in this room.
I’m not trapped here. I can live anywhere, but this is what I chose, so I’m going to choose it. Life, I’m sorry for neglecting you for so long and taking for granted all of the joy and all of the beauty, the peace of mind to be experienced in the present moment. The deep connectivity that I already have. The relationships that have been knocking on my door waiting to be cultivated. The opportunities that constantly reach in my direction… They are here and now. This is where I am! I might as well participate in it once and for all because I’m not going anywhere until I master these blessings, and I thank you God, for the lessons.
I’m accepting them now. Everything inherent in this moment, I accept, Lord, and I willingly participate in the creation of a wonderful life here and now.
Dream Lover, you have penetrated my spirit deeper than any before you, and it’s okay. I give you up to God. The world is bigger than my present perception and He will sort us out in our right places. You have my permission to be happy, with or without me, and I give myself permission to live, with or without you.
Day 154
Be Where You Are
hownottocryeveryday 