1:25 am. Can’t sleep.
Thoughts give me no peace. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Poem from the movie Pariah:
“Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I am open
See the love shine in through my cracks
See the light shine out from me
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
And I am not running
I am choosing
I am broken
I am broken open
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I am free”
Words have always comforted me. I have been looking, God, for a hero. I have been looking for a savior. I have been hiding out. I had forgotten.
I had forgotten. I had forgotten. I had forgotten, Lord. I had forgotten that I was a prize, and I had been looking for someone, someone with value, to tell me that I was okay, to validate me. I had forgotten, Lord.
I forgot that I can write pretty poems, too. I forgot that I deserve pretty gifts, too, like compassion and consideration. My God, I forgot that I could be comforted, too. Where is my dad to remind me that I, too, am a prize?
Where is my dad? Dad, I forgot that I was special and I let so many people do bad things to me. I forgot that I could do stuff and be someone, like you told me I could. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to run after people and chase them and beg them to love me and not leave me and remember me and take care of me when I was sick.
You told me not to hang around bad people, but I was so lonely that I hung around anyone, and I forgot… I forgot that I’m okay. I really did. Even with all my issues. I’m okay.
And today, tonight, I remember. I am broken open. Heart broken open. He just left me, Dad. Abandoned me. They just left me and they didn’t even check to see how I was doing, or care if I could pay my rent or get off the bed. They didn’t care if I needed a friend and they took my weakness as an opportunity to exploit and manipulate and use and try and control me… And I let them. And I called them friends and I called them lovers but they didn’t love me. They never did. They don’t even know what that means…
Thank the Lord, I am broken open. I am broken open. It’s like a veil is coming off my eyes. Wow. It has been so long since I thought I was worth sh*t. I mean, I haven’t even thought about it, but look how I have been living. Playing so small. Hanging out with folks who clearly don’t give a d*mn about me. Tossing my love away, trying to shove it down the throats of people who don’t even want it. I am ashamed, God, but you tell me not to be.
You tell me to share my story, to share my words. You tell me that there is healing in what I am doing. You tell me to keep going. You tell me that I am waking up and sometimes it hurts to wake up after you have been asleep for a long time, but oh, I am waking up and I have so much more to give to the world because of my slumber… You tell me that I am the Prize, and I remember… I remember…
And what does it mean to be a Prize, God? I need to tell it to my mind. How does it mean to walk in the world with value? You say I hold my head up, and I don’t beg people to choose me or my work, I just put it out there and those who recognize good things will come. I can love as much as I want, but before I give myself to a man, I make sure that he has proven himself worthwhile, because you don’t just toss a valuable thing away, you make sure that whoever you are giving it to will appreciate it and take care of it…
Tonight it is past time to remember, You say.. You are overdue, Laydie. So remember, now. You are the Prize. Say it to your mind. Say it to your feet. Say it to your heart. Say it to your hands, so that you may now and forever more create your life from this place, a place of integrity. A place where you honor who you are. A place where you recognize that your love and your friendship and your precious presence is a gift and you become discerning and careful and wise about who you give your gifts to. You don’t need to reinforce the lie that you are unlovable and not valuable and worthless any more. That is not your life any more. That is a lie! Come back now to the place of truth. The place where you can accept the good things that always flow towards you. The place of alignment and Divine right action. Stop playing small. Stop playing small, baby. Now.
Day 167
You Are The Prize (Value Yourself)
Good morning world,
This one might be kind of short because I have to get started for the day, but I wanted to take a moment to reach out and remember this time…
Yesterday I went to yoga and we did a stretch that felt like it cracked my brain open. It was like a straight line flowing from my legs all the way up through my back and on top of my right eyebrow that was stretched, and every ache or pain that I had felt was connected to that straight line. All my back pain, abdominal pain, this blockage that I feel in my forehead sometimes, it was all hooked up to one pathway in my body. And we did that one stretch and I could feel everything, every remembered pain in my body, falling away and stretching out.
It was the most refreshing thing I have experienced in a long time, and it was a trip to know that at some point, I had thrown some part of my body out of whack, and as a result, every connected part had gone out of alignment as well. But it was refreshing to know that it was possible to get this thing back in order. My yoga teacher called me the “curvy girl”, since my spine was curving all this way and the other.
As a note, when you see me on the street, unless you have the trained eye of a good doctor or teacher, you can’t tell that my back is a bit crooked, but when I do those yoga poses, it all comes clear. When I used to teach yoga to kids, I remember I would tell them all to stand straight and they would try their best, and it would be amazing to see how some of them shrugged their right shoulder up or stuck their left hip out or leaned more on one leg and they thought they were standing straight.
The imbalances start at a young age, but they are fixable, and it is especially wonderful when you find someone with the knowledge to recognize where the root of the injury is, and the ability to help you get it all straightened out…
Lord, Lord, Lord. I am getting my life straightened out, in all ways. I am coming back into alignment in all ways…
Yesterday I gave my apartment my 30 day move out notice. One of my neighbors had complained to management about me parking my car in a non parking spot and management told me that I couldn’t park there. My only other options were to park on the street (where my car has been stolen before) or park in another more safe neighborhood miles away. So I parked in a safe neighborhood, and it became crystal clear to me that my car doesn’t belong here anymore. I don’t belong here anymore. Final answer.
I have more work to do. There are still unfinished projects on the “to-do” list and people have been reaching out to me lately with new projects. I see that Dream Lover was really just a dream, and I’m finally ok with that. I think we both tried our very best and we both helped each other to see the areas where we still needed to grow so that we could accept our dreams coming true. I can let him go at last. Sometimes he still comes to me in my dreams and meditations and we have talks about the things we did and didn’t do. He is apologetic and I am compassionate. He never forgives me for things I did, though, but I say sorry anyway and I mean it. It’s enough for me, though, to know that there is life and happiness outside of him, outside of that particular dream.
There are other dreams that I’m not even aware of. In fact, there is more than dreams. There is reality. And here is where the work is done. No more dreaming that maybe, one day, at some time, life will be different. Let’s make it different in real life. Let’s do the work as if we actually believe that our dreams can and will come true. In real life. Like, for real for real. Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe that you can have a love that lasts? I’ll be honest. I didn’t really believe it. I wanted to, but I didn’t really. But I am finally starting to believe it. For real for real. I am finally doing the work and doing the work and here is where the change is made. In our every day thoughts and actions. In our willingness to truly accept good things. In our daily practice of remembering and affirming and accepting and cleaning out all the old stuff, and taking tiny actions, our lives are changed.
In our willingness to love on purpose and be kind on purpose and give something on purpose in spite of all that may not try to knock us down, in our commitments to really be true to ourselves even when we think that we might not have a man or someone might leave us or people might think we are failures or ugly or whatever they can think us.
In our ability to take a bold stand for what we know is true, and express that to the world, the miracles are created. And the miracles are for all of us, if we will but choose them. And I choose them. I choose for my dream, my life, My Self to become my self. I choose to Know now that life is good, not in some dream, God, but in my waking hours. Not only in my head, but in my entire experience. I choose to be the good stuff, and I Know that I can do it, because I have seen it done already. I have seen the change already.
And every day I am waking up. And every day I am growing. I will not stop. My stubbornness is finally good for something. I will keep going and I thank you for this fortitude. I thank you and I thank you and I thank you again for all that is yet to come. Ameen.
Day 166
It’s An Every Day Thing
Good morning world!
It’s almost ten am, and I’ve got to start working, but I wanted to write a bit before I get the day on the road. I kind of want to get all philosophical this morning, but I kind of want to blab out of the mouth like a little kid and tell you what happened.
Let me tell you.
I saw Mr. Almost Famous yesterday!!! If you haven’t been reading my blog, then you probably don’t know who he is, so I’ll explain briefly. I met him about nine months ago, at the beginning of the time when I started making visible changes in my life. I was smitten by him immediately, but he was emotionally involved with someone and not interested in a romantic type thing with me. So we continued to be friends. Mostly phone friends, as he doesn’t live in my town. Anyway, fast forward. We don’t communicate that often, and he always traveling for work, etc, and it had been a few months since we’d been in touch. So a couple of days ago, after having a wonderful prayer and meditation at the park, he was on my mind. So I sent him a text telling him I missed him and wishing him well. This was early in the morning. I didn’t hear from him all day, so I figured he was either out of the country, or so involved with his girl or so famous now, that maybe he was done with our friendship. So later that evening, I get a text back from him saying that I have great timing and that he just landed in LA!!! I met him at my spiritual center the next morning… What can I say?
This is what I can say. All relationships are not equal. In his presence for just five minutes, I am lifted so high. He is so high. He is so good. He gives. I’m really sensitive and I can feel this kind of thing. He gives. With every word, every gesture, he pays attention, and he gives of himself from the very depths of him, not because he wants something from you, but because he gives. And he knows he has something to give, yet he’s so humble…
Can I say that I am blown away? I am blown away, God. Just like that you put me in the presence of a phenomenal man when I was needing to be reminded that they exist. And I understand what the preachers and teachers and philosophers say when they say that just by being yourself you can lift up the world. He does that…
I think he likes me, but I still don’t think he’s interested in me romantically. I am honored, though, that someone like him would find me worthy of his time. I know I sound like a big groupie, but that’s how I feel. He’s better than me. Or I guess I should say that he’s at a higher level of consciousness than me. And it’s not about money or fame, because I have known and been involved with men who have more money and more notoriety than him. It’s about how he lives his life, even when no one is watching. It’s about integrity and kindness and an authentic giving of oneself just for the sake of giving. He’s not mean, Lord, even when he can be. But he’s not a punk either. He’s the kind of guy that a woman like me could actually give her heart to and trust that it would be taken care of…
And that is the thought that kept me up all last night until 6 o clock this morning. The real possibility that there exists in this world the kind of man that a woman like me could trust her heart with. I have never met that kind of man. There was always something missing. Maybe they were successful, but just so mean. Or spiritual, but they looked down on others who they didn’t think qualified to be in their presence. Or maybe they really loved me, but I knew that they hadn’t even begun to come into themselves yet and maybe never would. Or they were hermits who didn’t participate in the world. Or busy men who were just so busy being busy.
I don’t think I’ve ever even seen with my two eyes, in person, the kind of man that I even thought I would be safe being me with. And this idea of safety, this idea of possibility, this idea that I could be loved by someone outside of me that I, too, would adore, is such a wonderful thought to have. Thank you, God. It doesn’t have to be Mr. Almost Famous. In fact, he has given me no indication of interest in that way, so it probably won’t be him. But I believe that my Love exists now. I felt it. Oh, it was such a little bit, just a thought of what it would be like to be Loved and I could revel in that thought all day. In fact, I just might. Because when I feel like it’s possible that I could be Loved, I clean my house a little faster. I do my work with more joy and excitement. I smile at people on the street and engage deeper with the ones in my inner circle. I don’t even get as annoyed with those in the world that would seek to destroy the good things, and I’m so forgiving.
The Love of my life is coming soon, isn’t he? My life is changing, isn’t it? You were right God. The seeds grow on their own if you plant them, and then cultivate the conditions for them to flourish. I have already done the planting, and now I am continuing to clean up my heart, and my mind and to practice being in alignment and practice doing the work I’m called to do and love people. Today is such a good, good day… Ameen.
Day 165
Cultivate The Conditions
This is my favorite thing…
Good morning. I’m feeling alive today and I’d like to participate in the world outside of my own. How are you? I am sending you the most heartfelt smile, whoever and wherever you are. Thank you for being a part of my life…
Today is a new day. Today is a new day. Today is a new day. I mean, it’s really a new day, and I have the option to participate in it without worry or fear. I really have that choice.
I had such a good prayer and meditation this morning and little miracles happened already. I don’t want to talk about them yet. I just want to let them settle into their correct places. I love you. You. Me. Laydie. I Love you. You haven’t heard that in a while. You haven’t felt it in a while, from someone who is strong enough to demonstrate what that really means.
Well, you are strong enough. You are strong enough, you hear? I know you don’t like that about yourself, you being so strong and a female at the same time, but your strength is your saving grace. And I love you for it. Do you understand? This is not a war anymore. It’s not you against the world. This is not about you being a victim to all that has happened anymore. This is not about you thinking that nobody else loves you, so you have to fight to love yourself. No. A lot of people love you. They really do. Maybe they don’t know about love like you do, because love is your thing, but they love you how they can.
But let’s not think about them for right now. This is between me and you. You and you. We’re not schizo. This is me, the part of you who knows what you need, talking to you, the part of you that is crawling out of the past into your true self. I am talking to you. So listen now.
You see, life can be a good thing. In fact, life is a good thing. You have spent a long time thinking that life was a bad thing, and life was a hard thing, and life was a lonely thing and not a fair thing. You have spent a long time thinking that you had to fight and scrape and cry and protect and repress and lie and struggle just to survive here, and that’s fine. That’s the path you have walked. But today, I’d like you to know something.
That time is over. Today. Not tomorrow. Not in some future or after you’ve done some thing. But today. Right now. That time is over if you will only but accept it. And yes, you will. Yes, you do. Let’s play. Relax for a moment and allow yourself to experience the thought of what it feels like to be ok. Just feel ok for a moment. No more silly dramas. None of this constant busyness for the sake of busyness. A life of purpose. You are already walking in that direction. I want you to recognize Laydie. You are already there. You are already you.
You have been getting stronger and stronger. You are beautiful and lovely. It’s only a matter of time before your outer world reflects all that you have been cultivating inside. So you keep cultivating the good stuff. You keep being honest with yourself and loving and giving in the ways that you can. You rest when you need your rest and you work when you are able to work. I will take care of you. You have to let me. Will you let me?
Yes.
I have ways that you can not even imagine. Trust me this time. Trust me. I Love you. I Love you. I Love You…
Day 164
Patience
It’s late morning and the day started kind of slow. I’ve been sick all week. First my eyes were acting up, then a cold, and now a slight headache.
Guess what, though? I finished my song!!!!! I’m really proud of it, because I actually like it. It’s the kind of song that I would listen to, and I find myself even singing it at times. So, I sent it out to about 13 people (friends and family) and all except one really like it as well. Most of the people I know have never heard or read any of my creative writing, and it was kind of cool, because my family thinks differently of me now. They actually think I’m talented, instead of thinking that I’m just over here in Cali picking my nose all day. So that’s great. I did a copyright on the song and I submitted it to my connection with the artist that I wrote it for, so we’ll see. I think she’s gonna love it. I’ll keep you posted.
There is so much to talk about. I’ve been going through so many changes these days. Sometimes I can’t keep up and my head just starts hurting.
A strange thing happened when I finished my song. I got all depressed and worried, and right now I’m feeling a little scared, God. I finished my song like You told me to do and I submitted it, but rent is coming up soon and I’m getting the urge to go pick up some quick rinky dink job instead of spending all day working on my projects and doing yoga. There’s just no way around it. I don’t have a sponsor that’s willing to pay for my living while I finish stuff. Maybe you should find one, You say. Hmm… There’s an idea…
The good stuff. Always remember to come back to the center. It is easy to get lost if you don’t remind yourself. I miss him sometimes, You know? You know. Sometimes I get worried and wonder if this way of life really works or if I’m just wasting my time, you know? You know. I am strong, but sometimes I am just a little girl wanting my daddy to make me some porridge again. Sometimes I don’t want to be the leader anymore, but I just want someone to take care of me, I mean really take care of me. Love me. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I just want life to be easy.
I get tired of trying to ward off all the guys who don’t give a sh*t about me. I get tired, God, of having to do so much work on myself just so I can accept good things. I get tired of failed relationships and almost successes, and sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith because, well, because how do you keep the faith when you don’t know what’s going to happen? How do I trust that everything is going to be all right when I haven’t really known many examples of people who are happy with their lives?
All of these fancy philosophies sound good in theory, but how do you practice them? It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m the farthest thing from lazy. But I feel lazy when I’m writing all day and I get a bill saying my insurance is due or a have a loan to pay back and You tell me to write all day and then my loan will be paid, but I don’t see the correlation between writing and paying car insurance and You say keep the faith but sometimes I look silly to myself because I know how to get a paycheck and I’m not doing that and what if I finish writing and then there’s still no money???
Keep the faith, You say. Sigh… There is a fine fine line between faith and stupidity. OK. Worst case scenario. I finish writing everything and then no money magically appears. I clean up and organize everything in house and no man knocks at my door. Hmm… I guess I could always get a rinky dink job then or even a fancy job and I could go outside and get a man any day. I could sublet my apartment. So what You’re saying is that I really don’t have that much to lose and everything to gain…
You know this is really challenging for me, huh God? You know. Grow, baby. Grow, You say. Make it easy. Make it fun. Make it Your life. I am with you. I am with you. Always.
Day 163
Keep The Faith
Good morning world,
I miss writing here. Today has been the first morning since my return to LA that I have woken up feeling alive and feeling like myself, with a clean heart and a smile buzzing on my mouth. Good morning.
I don’t have much to write about. This week went by pretty fast. The mundane stuff: my roommates moved out and now I officially live alone, I almost (almost) finished my song and I love it, I started going to a yoga class every day and doing acupuncture again, I have an audition today (I don’t really act, but saw this great short film with wonderful filmmakers and I wanted to be a part of it, so I submitted my info and they called me for an audition), and I’ve been resisting the urge to run into the arms of whatever man so I won’t be lonely.
It hasn’t been that hard. I don’t actually feel lonely and this is a new thing, because I thought I would be lonely living by myself, but I’m not. This week, I realized that I have more people in my life than I give myself credit for and on any given day, there is always someone that I can call to come and have dinner with me or go to whatever event or just hang out. I had been getting invited to so many social things that this weekend I decided to just chill out and be at home so that I could get some house things done, such as cleaning out the energy of the former roommates, organizing stuff, redecorating the place so it feels like a loved home, and finishing my song.
I like this pace of living. It’s like eating food slow. You can savor the moments. I’m happy, Allah, and my mind is clear and I know that good things are created from a clear, peaceful mind, and so I am excited about the good things that I know are going to happen at this point in my life. How do I know? I just know, and I’ve never been wrong before when I know what I know.
Today I don’t have any complaints or worries. I don’t know how anything in life is going to turn out. Nothing at all, but I know it’s going to be good. You may wonder how I know this. I know that everything is going to be good because that is what I am choosing. I am choosing to go all the way, God, and I am trusting You with all of me. I have been teetering on this way of life for some time now, because trusting You might mean doing things that don’t make sense to my logical mind at times, like living alone for a time instead of having some roommates to help me pay this rent. I am trusting You, though, because I finally see that this is the way of life for me. I haven’t trusted anyone or anything in such a long time, but I’m trusting You today, and I’m choosing not to worry. At the end of the day, people are either going to say that I am really smart or really stupid, and their judgement will be dependent on my success, but it doesn’t matter.
Because I look around at all the unhappiness and despair on the faces of so many and I think that much of the negativity can be attributed to one thing: we lie. We know that often times there is an inconsistency between who we would really like to be and who we really are, and we lie to ourselves to compensate. We know we don’t really like the person we are in a relationship with, but we lie to ourselves so we can look good to the world. We say we Trust you and profess to believe this, that and the other, but our actions prove otherwise. We choose jobs that don’t fulfill us, speak words that aren’t true and do so much lying that eventually we forget the truth. We forget that we used to like to smile and cook for people. We forget that there is goodness in the world. We forget, even, who we are and who we wanted to be, and in our anger and frustration, we aim to destroy, both ourselves and anyone else who would dare to challenge our false identities or see the truth in us…
I have seen the lies in myself. I have found the root of my unhappiness, and it was this: I realized that the person I really thought I was, in my deepest, highest thoughts, was not who I really was in the world. You see, from a young age, I have always felt that I was going to do something in the world, and by do something, I mean I felt compelled to make things better and I had the audacity to think that I had it in me to do that. I fathomed this dream life, surrounded by honest, progressive, creative people, where I lead and contributed to different projects, creative and humanitarian and was just ridiculously happy. My conscious was clean. I had a man and a couple of kids that I actually liked, loved, and respected… I was organized and very honest in my interactions. I was at peace with my past and present and all of my close relationships had a foundation of integrity. Money was never an issue, and in fact, I had so much of it and owned so much stuff that I had to find ways to give it away. And in my dream me, I am a person of integrity. Even in my deepest thoughts, you will not find a lie. You see, this is who I really think I am. I don’t know where I got the audacity to think these thoughts, but they are there, in the deepest parts of me. I think they are there because they are there…
And so, my mission now is to bridge the gap between who I am and who I really am. There is still time or at least there is still time to try. The rat race just doesn’t make sense anymore. Unhappiness doesn’t make sense anymore. I am leaning on you, God. I’ve been trying to do it all by myself and not listening to your instructions. I thought I was smart, and I still think I am, but I am not smarter than the One who Knows the ways of the wind. And I’m not despairing today and I’m not sad and I actually trust You today and I am excited about walking in the direction that You guide me, so thank you! Thank you for this morning. Ameen.
Day 162
Stop Lying
7 am on a Saturday morning. The weather is changing and I had to close the windows and get a blanket to snuggle in as I write. Soon I will have to turn on the heater.
Seasons are changing. The other day I bought a new phone. I have been using a very outdated “stick” phone for a very long time, and I love my little phone. It’s simple and it has easily pushable buttons, but it couldn’t receive pictures or graphic messages, so I’ve been planning on getting a new one for some time..
The thing is, a little while ago, Dream Lover had told me he was going to get me new phone. I have been secretly waiting for him to knock on my door one day, phone and all other unfulfilled promises in hand… I realize that me getting my own phone means that it’s the real beginning of the end. I’m not waiting for him any more.
The seasons are changing. I have actually been working diligently towards finishing projects, one at a time, and I’m seeing progress. Go figure.
Something interesting happened to me earlier this week. I was driving in rush hour and I needed to stop at the bank. There was a parallel parking spot beside a car dealership across the street from the bank, and so I pulled forward so that I could park in it. Well, as I pulled forward, the car behind me pulled right up to my bumper so that I couldn’t back up and park. Then he started honking at me. I looked out of my window and gestured for him to go around, but he shook his head “no”. Then he just sat there and continued to beep at me. We were blocking traffic and the cars behind us started to beep, but I was determined not to move and let this jerk win…
After the light changed about two times and both of us were still sitting in the same place, a guy from the car dealership walked up to my car. He had a soothing voice and asked me how I was feeling. Then he asked me if I would please just park in the car dealership lot… So I breathed and I did. After going to the bank, I came back to my car and chatted with the guy… He kept looking into my eyes. At the end of the conversation, he asked if he could pray for me, and I said he could, and so he prayed for me. He prayed that all of my dreams would come true and he reminded me that everything I was trying to do wasn’t about me. He said that I was going to be blessed with a lot of success, but that I was going to be blessed so that I could bless others. Then after he prayed, he said, “It’s gonna happen, and not because I said so”. He said he was just a messenger and my destiny was already written… I’m just now realizing how sweet that experience was as I’m writing about it. He could have been a crazy nut or a real messenger or just a man wanting to hold my hand, but he took the time out to pray for me, to comfort me, and to take me out of the rage road state of mind that I was in. He did it on purpose, and he was just a stranger… Thank you God, for kindness and compassion.
I got invited to a couple events this weekend, one of which is a Native American harvesting ceremony. I was going to sit in the house and sulk around, but my friend coaxed me to come on out into the sunshine and participate in life with other people. I have friends. Thanks God.
I am realizing that Dream Lover will probably never come back. It doesn’t even matter why. The truth of the matter is, it has nothing to do with me. And I am beyond sad. Not devastated or disappointed. Not even heartbroken. Not numb or angry or despairing. I am just accepting, God, but this feels worse of all, because it means that there is nothing anymore… I know there will be a new man, probably sooner than later, but at last I have come to the place where the shiny new stuff doesn’t dazzle me so much. Who would have thought that me, miss run around the earth, would actually be interested in staying still and settling down with one thing? I had actually finally learned to love and accept an entire person, flaws and all, and I was looking forward to practicing this kind of love. Wow. I think I finally know the ingredients of the kind of relationship I would like…
“You are strong in spite of your timid smile”, You whisper to my Spirit. You are able. In fact, you are more than able. You have endeavored to recreate your entire identity from sad to happy. From sick to well. You have dared to discover and bring out the joy in you and the good in you and oh, you have even dared to do it in public, and the dark forces that have surrounded you are very upset, but they cannot survive in the light you are stepping into. You have been to Heaven and hell and back. Do you see how lucky you are? Most do not make it out of hell, nor do they want to come down from heaven, but you, sweet Laydie, have been to both and you have chosen to stay here, in the joy, in the sadness, in the ebb and flow that is life on earth. And in your journey, you are becoming wise…
Good job. it’s okay to give yourself credit. you deserve it. good job, Laydie. wobbling, you are learning to walk in your new identity, but soon you will be running and eventually you will fly! do you believe it?
there is no pressure at this point. the good stuff is not about pressure and strain. it is not about forcing situations or people to be one way or the other. the good stuff is about accepting, relaxing, and acting on what you know. there is a profound amount of trust and faith that you must demonstrate, and you are doing it. everyone in your circle will not be able to walk beside you, and it’s okay. this is your journey, and they are on theirs…
We have done a lot of cleaning and clearing and We have planted some new seeds, even without you knowing. In your Spirit, you have asked to become Yourself, and We have heard your cries. We have seen the work you are doing. It was not all in vain. All of it, even this moment now, is not in vain. Now, like the ceremony you are about to go to, it is harvest time. It is time to let the dead rest, give thanks for it, and step into the new. Your new phone is a good thing. Your new life is a good thing. It’s Harvest time…
Day 161
Harvest Time
It’s morning again, not early morning, but work hours.
I’m not at work. I’m at home. My nine to five was supposed to start back up last week, but I didn’t go.
This past week, I’ve been mulling over my life, doing an assessment of sorts. In the back of my mind, I can remember a time when I was successful. I was that girl. With the good paying job and the fancy clothes. I was the one who always had money in my account and got all the scholarships and grants for stuff. I was that person who could say she wanted to do a thing, and everyone believed she was going to do it. That was me, who bought a house when I was under 30. That was me who was successful. That was me who always had good friends and family to hang out with. That was me who actually had awesome men vying for my love…
I fell off somewhere, and the other day I looked in the mirror. No wonder I have been depressed for so long. There was a time when I actually lived a balanced, healthy life. There was a time when I was doing exactly what I wanted to do: teaching, being a part of dance group, praying, having dinner with friends and family and going to the chiropractor on my health insurance… There was a time that life was good… I remember it. I know what life was like, and that is why it is so hard for me to reconcile what life is like now, and who I have become…
So this morning, I was looking around and looking within me. Because I can write a blog forever, but at some point, something has got to change. And I’m talking about real, lasting change. I just can’t live like this forever. I can’t be poor forever. I can’t sad forever. I can’t be sitting here with all of these books and movies and songs and ideas in me forever and not get them out. I can’t have all this love and life in me and not share it with people. I know better, and now that I know better, I have to do better. This life I have now just really won’t do for me…
This morning I was praying and meditating and I could locate the exact moments in my life when I began to fall apart. They were so vivid: My good friend who had never said a bad word to me calling me stupid, having to move out of the house when I had given everything in me to try and keep it, breaking up with the guy that I thought was my soul mate after giving up everything to be with him… My mom explaining something to me about our past and me not knowing what to believe… Getting evicted… And then having all these other silly relationships with men that had foundations of mutual usury…
Somewhere in the past couple of years, I broke. I really broke myself. I didn’t even see it happening, but now I can see clearly exactly what happened. Retrospect is always twenty twenty, but somewhere, I got lost. I started getting used to not trusting people. I started getting used to being sad and broke. I started getting used to saying I was going to do something and not following through, and I got used to never ever finishing anything I really cared about. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped believing in anything really. It happens…
I think we are creatures of habit. You get used to your shit. Yeah, I said it. Shit. We get used to being liars or angry or lonely because sometime a long time ago, someone hurt us or disappointed us and we thought we had to protect ourselves. And we probably did have to protect ourselves from that person or that situation, but we make that closed space of guardedness our lives.
What a wonderful thing then, to be able to wake up one morning and see what’s really going on. That’s the first part of real transformation. Now, I’ll give myself some credit. I have been intentionally working towards change for about a year now, and I have seen some progress, but my life on the outside still does not reflect who I know I am on the inside, or at least who I know I’d like to be. I don’t have a long way to go, and this is what this blog is about today: commitment.
It’s my favorite scary word, and even now, just saying it brings up thoughts of betrayal and woundings from the past… I think commitment is a necessary agent for change, though. You don’t lose weight by just running around the track one day. You have to exercise consistently. You have to change your diet. But first, you have to make a clear decision that this is what you are going to do and then do what you can to do it, in spite of hunger pains and withdrawal symptoms, in spite of how long it may take. You have to make a clear decision about what you want to do or be and then decide that you are not going to stop until you see your goal out until the end…
So today I’m making a commitment. It’s just a commitment to myself. I’ll be clear instead of making a vague, broad commitment. At this point in my life, I’m at zero, tabula rasa. So I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. I’m just now realizing that this is actually not a bad place to be. My old life before these last two years, which I will call the Dark Ages, was good, but it’s not the life for me anymore. My calling is different now, more vast. I’m not afraid of it any more… So let’s go, God. I’m making a commitment today, You and I. I’ll start with the big and then we’ll get down to the details. Today, I make a commitment to live a good life, and I mean a real good life. A real good life that consists of a balance between giving and receiving. This good life consists of joyous, harmonious, loving interactions with my fellow travelers. This good life consists of abundance, more than I could ever imagine. For real. Not just in some affirmation. This good life consists of expressing all of the gifts that I am inspired to express. All of them. This good life consists of a continual cleansing of my heart, mind and spirit and a continual growing up. I am making a commitment today, Allah, to be that woman that I was destined to be. And I’m for real about it… I know, it’s a tall order to fill. I’ve got a long way to go, but I don’t feel like it’s a long way. I feel like I’ve laid a really strong foundation within myself and I thank you for all of the sorrow, Allah, that has helped to me a much more compassionate and forgiving and loving person. I thank you for all of it. I don’t regret it. I don’t even regret these past two years. I’m glad I can understand what it’s like to be broken. I won’t judge those people so harshly anymore, and I might actually be able to help them now. I’m glad I know what it’s like to love again and to give again…
I’m glad for it all… So, we’ll start with the little things: My money, my writings, and my relationships. Those seem to be the most pressing at this time. So today, I commit to doing at least one thing a day in all three areas. For real. I’m going to make a real list and put it on my wall. I commit to making at least one attempt to earn income a day. I commit to working creatively towards one project a day. Instead of scattering them around, I will commit to completions. Finish writing and submitting one project, and then go to the next. And I commit to interacting positively with at least one person a day. This is small, but these are commitments I know I can keep.
Not editing this blog today. I just want to get started… Ameen.
Day 160
Commit
This is my fifth attempt at trying to write this blog for the day and I’ve never rewritten one entry this many times, but it’s just not flowing right.
So much has changed and is still changing. Maybe I don’t have too much to say…
Hmm… I wanted to tell you that I made it through my most recent breakdown of sorts and I got some clarity. I found my focus again. I remembered why I had come to California in the first place. I came here to go to school and then to be in an environment where I could connect with the right people who would help me develop my writing skills and finally get my work published and produced.
I travelled all around everywhere this summer and got to experience different aspects of life, and I am so glad Allah. I am so glad for all of the experiences that I have had. My life is not complete, though. I have a lot to do here, and my life is actually beginning intentionally for the first time. It’s not a reaction to poverty anymore. It’s not an escape from pain and loneliness. I am creating from a place of fullness.
And this writing is not flowing smoothly today, but guess what? I’m gonna’ write any way, and I know you are going to bring the words to me, God, because you gave me the inspiration.
So I’m sitting and I’m waiting for You… and this is going to be good. It already is. That’s where We were when We last left off. The good stuff. Give it to me, Lord. I’m laughing because You are telling me to give it to You. It’s in me, You say. I am the good stuff. Thank you.
As I write, my world opens up and I let you in… And I thank you for reading. The good stuff is sharing a laugh with my sisters. It’s writing. It’s having more money than I need to do or be whatever pleases me. The good stuff is a man who has clean breath and knows himself. A wonderful book, sunshine and trees are good stuff. Fresh food. My mom when she’s happy. The good stuff is clear skin and knowing that everything will be all right. It’s yummy, delicious, uninhibited expressions of Love. It’s witnessing growth, my own and others. Oooh, it’s good acupuncture and yoga teachers who know what they are doing. Bright-eyed kids and cuddly babies and teenagers growing into their skin…
The good stuff is this moment, God, when I am sure that I have crossed over. How do I know this when so much on the outside is the same? I can feel it. Yes, I can feel it in my bones. I am on the other side of happy, because even when I cry, even when everything falls apart, I know deep down that there is still good stuff around.
I know that this is the good time because even when I am alone on a Friday night, I can turn down invitations to spend my time doing things that aren’t good for my soul. I know I have arrived because I make choices from a place of certainty now, instead of feeling desperate to prove this, that and the other to whoever.
We have a choice, you know. We can choose a good life. We can choose a good life even if we can’t imagine a good life for ourselves. It’s like magic. You choose to have the good stuff and then your mind shifts and you start thinking about what the good stuff really means. And then after you figure out what that means to you, you can figure out how to accomplish it and keep sharing a laugh with your sisters, or only trust a man who knows himself with your heart.
But it might not work at first. If you’re not used to good stuff, you’ll probably mess it up the first time something good happens. It’s okay, though. You’re just fine tuning. Open up more. Pray a little more. Figure out what you could do better. Get some help. Blame no one. Forgive everyone. Everyone. And try again.
There’s no judgement. We all have to start somewhere. I’ve decided to stay in LA a little longer and focus on the good stuff. I’ve decided to tune my efforts and make the best of my time here, which means finally finishing projects and submitting them to all potential prospects. I’m gonna’ keep at it until I can honestly say I did my best. I’ve decided to forgive Dream Lover and my dad and anyone else that I’ve been waiting for an apology from. Again and again until I can say their names and not feel the slightest hint of resentment in my heart.
I’ve decided to keep trying to manifest the life of my dreams. Really, being who I am, I have no choice, but I’m not going to look at it that way. I am going to acknowledge the blessing and the gift in these thoughts alone, and I thank You God, for helping me to have an open heart and mind instead of a closed one…
I’ve decided to be on purpose, Allah, and I am strangely confident. I’m starting from a place of purpose. I’m starting with the knowledge that You are the Source of the good stuff. I am opening my heart and my mind and allowing life to flow smoothly. I will not stop until Your will is done. Again and again I get up and I get up and I get up… Ameen.
Day 159
Get Up (Again and Again and Again)
I just finished reading the most inspiring book I’ve ever read…
I’m back. Had a bit of a mental breakdown, but I’m back, better than ever. It doesn’t look that way on the outside, but it feels that way.
You know, the thing about hard times or breakdowns or low points, whatever you want to call it, is that they are not necessarily bad for you. Everyone wants to hurry up and get through the “hard times”, pretend they don’t exist. But they do. And sometimes there’s magic in them. Often times there’s a healing and a change in them, if we will just sit and wait.
So, I was really frustrated the last time I wrote, and I’m still slightly uneasy. Slightly. I couldn’t figure anything out. I had come so close to having the life of my dreams, in all aspects, and then suddenly everything just fell apart. Literally. And I found myself back in my bland apartment in the ghetto, with a very little bank account, no man, no writings sold, rent due, and having to park my car in another neighborhood so it wouldn’t get stolen. I no clue about what to do next.
In this past, this would have initiated a panic reaction. I would have found some kind of way to hurry up and try and get make a quick fix to everything: get some raggedy job that at least paid me money, find some guy to hang out with, or go out with one of my exes (some of whom happened to be suddenly calling me at the time)… You get the gist.
But I didn’t that this time. Instead, I did what any normal girl would do. I cursed the Earth that I walk on and broke down. I didn’t try to rationalize anything or plan. I didn’t try to make anyone do anything for me. I sought comfort in some people that I would have liked to be around, and when they didn’t answer their phones, I didn’t even send them mean text messages. I just allowed myself to fall apart because, quite frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.
God will bring you to your knees…
I prayed, you know, and I think God heard me this time. I think I heard myself. I told the truth about what I was really feeling. I put it in this blog and I humbled myself. I don’t know it all. That’s just the truth. I’m not always right, whatever that means. I was hurting and I was sad and I was disappointed and I didn’t know what direction to go next. And worst of all, I knew that no one outside of me knew which direction to go either.
And so You brought me home to myself…
It doesn’t take that long for a transformation. Like the speaker at my spiritual center said, it only takes the courage to change. We all like to talk about people who have breakdowns and call them crazy and whatever, but the truth is, a breakthrough is always preceded by a breakdown. How could it be any other way?
When you decide to do something different or be someone different, you are literally going to go through changes. Whether that means that you are losing weight and your thighs itch and burn and the fat melts off or whether it means that you are changing your mind and your head hurts because new synapses are being built and destroyed, things are going to fall apart, and at some point, if you really want a change, you’re going to have to sit through it. All of the ugliness that is bound to come out. It’s trying to come out. That’s what you asked for, didn’t you?
So I’m sitting here today and the sun is setting as I sit on the rooftop of a building on my old college campus. I am at peace, Lord. There is no one left to curse out. There is no one left to blame. After the storm, there is only life and potential left…
I am happy because today I can see the potential for my life again, and this is where it starts, with a vision. I can see the power in words, amongst other things, and I can see that I am valuable. I’ve never said that before. I’ve never allowed myself to be that. I was scared that it was bad to be valuable. But we all have value.
I’m not in a rush to do anything or go anywhere any more. We have come to a new place, you and I, God. There is no need for the constant busyness. There is no need to be afraid, anymore. We have been through many storms and they didn’t kill us, and we have tasted bliss, just on the tips of Our tongues, and that didn’t make Our head explode.
And now, without the fear, I can do what I have been longing to do all this time. In truth, I can be myself. What a wonderful realization. To know that I can be myself. And I finally know who that Self is. Now I can be free…
Day 158
From Breakdown to Break Through
