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Day 154 – Be Where You Are

July 29, 2012

Okay…

My brain is scrambled with so many thoughts. The guy who inspired me to write this blog would just look at me, and I would calm down. He could be so comforting when he wanted to be…

I miss my dad.

I am a little girl today, missing her daddy.

My sub-letter moved out today, and now I officially live alone. What should I do now, now that there is no one to save me or no one to blame for anything?

It’a a trip, the lengths we go to avoid taking responsibility for our lives. I’ve just been passing through this LA life, hoping that someone would rescue me. But I think, no one is coming. At least not in that way. No one is going to rescue me, because, truly, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m a rescuer and I want someone to swim with me that we may comfort and support each other on our paths…

Bring the truth out of me, Lord, and plant it firmly in my life.

The truth is, I am here, now. There is no million dollar bank account. Dream Lover is not here. There is no signed book deal, and no children or community center abroad. My family is still my family and my friends are still my friends, growing and experiencing life in their own ways, and some of them may never change or may change for the worse. There is no big fancy house in my name anywhere and the bills are still coming.

And I have been sitting here, waiting on all those things before I give myself permission to live, waiting on so many things before I let my life start.

No more.

I am here. This is the choice I am making. I am here in this apartment in this city in this country in this world and I am choosing to be here. It is a delicate art, to be where you are while planning for the future, but I’m going to master that art. That’s what I’m choosing in this moment, God. Because right here, even in this moment, the possibility for happiness exists. Even in my bland room, the possibility for beauty exists. Even without Dream Lover, the possibility to love and be loved exists, even now, even in the other relationships that I have. I live in one of the most beautiful, diverse states in the country and where I am there are limitless opportunities to express and experience joy and freedom.

Thank you, God. I’m going to stop questioning your tactics. Here I am. Now. And I’m not here by accident. This is where I chose to be. I went all over the world this summer and had options to be other places with other people and do other things. I still have options, but I choose to be right here in this apartment in this room.

I’m not trapped here. I can live anywhere, but this is what I chose, so I’m going to choose it. Life, I’m sorry for neglecting you for so long and taking for granted all of the joy and all of the beauty, the peace of mind to be experienced in the present moment. The deep connectivity that I already have. The relationships that have been knocking on my door waiting to be cultivated. The opportunities that constantly reach in my direction… They are here and now. This is where I am! I might as well participate in it once and for all because I’m not going anywhere until I master these blessings, and I thank you God, for the lessons.

I’m accepting them now. Everything inherent in this moment, I accept, Lord, and I willingly participate in the creation of a wonderful life here and now.

Dream Lover, you have penetrated my spirit deeper than any before you, and it’s okay. I give you up to God. The world is bigger than my present perception and He will sort us out in our right places. You have my permission to be happy, with or without me, and I give myself permission to live, with or without you.

Day 154

Be Where You Are

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From → The Nitty Gritty

2 Comments
  1. The bit where you said I will stop questioning you God reminded me of one of my favourite stories from the Quran. Hope you enjoy it, it always comes to my mind when I am not entirely sure whats going on with me.

    And (remember) when Moses said to his servant: “I will not give up (traveling) until I reach the junction of the two seas or (until) I spend years and years in traveling.”

    But when they reached the junction of the two seas, they forgot their fish, and it took its way thought the sea as in a tunnel. So when they had passed further on (beyond that fixed place), Moses said to his boy-servant: “Bring us our morning meal; truly, we have suffered much fatigue in this, our journey.”

    He said: “Do you remember when we rested on the rock?I indeed forgot the fish, none but Satan made me forget to remember it. It took its course into the sea in a strange (way)!”

    (Moses) said: “That is what we have been seeking.” So they went back retracing their footsteps.

    Then they found one of Our devotees, unto whom We had bestowed mercy from Us, and whom We had taught knowledge from Us.

    Moses said to him (Khidr) “May I follow you so that you can teach me something of that knowledge (guidance and true path) which you have been taught (by Allah)?”

    He (Khidr) said: “Verily! You will not be able to have patience with me! And how can you have patience about a thing which you know not?”

    Moses sad: “If Allah will, you will find me patient, and I will not disobey you in aught.”

    He (Khidr) said: “Then, if you follow me, ask me not about anything till I myself mention it to you.” So the two went off, until when they embarked on a boat and the man (Khidr) made a hole in it. Moses said: “Did you make a hole in it to drown its people? Verily, you have done Imra – a Munkar (evil, bad, dreadful) thing.”

    He (Khidr) said: “Did I not tell you, that you would not be able to have patience with me?”

    (Moses) said: “Call me not to account for what I forgot, and be not hard upon me for my affair (with you).”

    Then they both proceeded, till they met a boy, he (Khidr) killed him. Moses said: “Have you killed an innocent person who had killed none?Verily, you have done Nukra a great Munkar (prohibited, evil, dreadful) thing!”

    (Khidr) said: “Did I not tell you that you can have no patience with me?”

    (Moses) said: “If I ask you anything after this, keep me not in your company, you have received an excuse from me.”

    Then they both proceeded, till, when they came to the people of a town, they asked them for food, but they refused to entertain them. Then they found therein a wall about to collapse and he (Khidr) set it up straight. (Moses) said: “If you had wished, surely you could have taken wages for it!”

    (Khidr) said: “This is the parting between me and you, I will tell you the interpretation of (those) things over which you were unable to hold patience.

    “As for the ship, it belonged to poor people working in the sea. So I wished to make a defective damage in it (Lit., “to cause a fault in it” – i.e., to make it temporarily unserviceable),as there was a king after them who seized every ship by force.

    “And as for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared lest he should oppress them by rebellion and disbelief. So we intended that their Lord should change him for them for one better in righteousness and near to mercy. “And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord. And I did it not of my own accord. That is the interpretation of those (things) over which you could not hold patience. 1

  2. A girl in a city like yours permalink

    How cool is that?

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