Day 162 – Stop Lying

Good morning world,

I miss writing here. Today has been the first morning since my return to LA that I have woken up feeling alive and feeling like myself, with a clean heart and a smile buzzing on my mouth. Good morning.

I don’t have much to write about. This week went by pretty fast. The mundane stuff: my roommates moved out and now I officially live alone, I almost (almost) finished my song and I love it, I started going to a yoga class every day and doing acupuncture again, I have an audition today (I don’t really act, but saw this great short film with wonderful filmmakers and I wanted to be a part of it, so I submitted my info and they called me for an audition), and I’ve been resisting the urge to run into the arms of whatever man so I won’t be lonely.

It hasn’t been that hard. I don’t actually feel lonely and this is a new thing, because I thought I would be lonely living by myself, but I’m not. This week, I realized that I have more people in my life than I give myself credit for and on any given day, there is always someone that I can call to come and have dinner with me or go to whatever event or just hang out. I had been getting invited to so many social things that this weekend I decided to just chill out and be at home so that I could get some house things done, such as cleaning out the energy of the former roommates, organizing stuff, redecorating the place so it feels like a loved home, and finishing my song.

I like this pace of living. It’s like eating food slow. You can savor the moments. I’m happy, Allah, and my mind is clear and I know that good things are created from a clear, peaceful mind, and so I am excited about the good things that I know are going to happen at this point in my life. How do I know? I just know, and I’ve never been wrong before when I know what I know.

Today I don’t have any complaints or worries. I don’t know how anything in life is going to turn out. Nothing at all, but I know it’s going to be good. You may wonder how I know this. I know that everything is going to be good because that is what I am choosing. I am choosing to go all the way, God, and I am trusting You with all of me. I have been teetering on this way of life for some time now, because trusting You might mean doing things that don’t make sense to my logical mind at times, like living alone for a time instead of having some roommates to help me pay this rent. I am trusting You, though, because I finally see that this is the way of life for me. I haven’t trusted anyone or anything in such a long time, but I’m trusting You today, and I’m choosing not to worry. At the end of the day, people are either going to say that I am really smart or really stupid, and their judgement will be dependent on my success, but it doesn’t matter.

Because I look around at all the unhappiness and despair on the faces of so many and I think that much of the negativity can be attributed to one thing:  we lie. We know that often times there is an inconsistency between who we would really like to be and who we really are, and we lie to ourselves to compensate. We know we don’t really like the person we are in a relationship with, but we lie to ourselves so we can look good to the world.  We say we Trust you and profess to believe this, that and the other, but our actions prove otherwise. We choose jobs that don’t fulfill us, speak words that aren’t true and do so much lying that eventually we forget the truth. We forget that we used to like to smile and cook for people. We forget that there is goodness in the world. We forget, even, who we are and who we wanted to be, and in our anger and frustration, we aim to destroy, both ourselves and anyone else who would dare to challenge our false identities or see the truth in us…

I have seen the lies in myself. I have found the root of my unhappiness, and it was this: I realized that the person I really thought I was, in my deepest, highest thoughts, was not who I really was in the world. You see, from a young age, I have always felt that I was going to do something in the world, and by do something, I mean I felt compelled to make things better and I had the audacity to think that I had it in me to do that. I fathomed this dream life, surrounded by honest, progressive, creative people, where I lead and contributed to different projects, creative and humanitarian and was just ridiculously happy. My conscious was clean. I had a man and a couple of kids that I actually liked, loved, and respected… I was organized and very honest in my interactions. I was at peace with my past and present and all of my close relationships had a foundation of integrity. Money was never an issue, and in fact, I had so much of it and owned so much stuff that I had to find ways to give it away. And in my dream me, I am a person of integrity. Even in my deepest thoughts, you will not find a lie. You see, this is who I really think I am. I don’t know where I got the audacity to think these thoughts, but they are there, in the deepest parts of me. I think they are there because they are there…

And so, my mission now is to bridge the gap between who I am and who I really am. There is still time or at least there is still time to try. The rat race just doesn’t make sense anymore. Unhappiness doesn’t make sense anymore. I am leaning on you, God. I’ve been trying to do it all by myself and not listening to your instructions. I thought I was smart, and I still think I am, but I am not smarter than the One who Knows the ways of the wind. And I’m not despairing today and I’m not sad and I actually trust You today and I am excited about walking in the direction that You guide me, so thank you! Thank you for this morning. Ameen.

Day 162

Stop Lying