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Day 159 – Get Up (Again and Again and Again)

August 19, 2012

This is my fifth attempt at trying to write this blog for the day and I’ve never rewritten one entry this many times, but it’s just not flowing right.

So much has changed and is still changing. Maybe I don’t have too much to say…

Hmm… I wanted to tell you that I made it through my most recent breakdown of sorts and I got some clarity. I found my focus again. I remembered why I had come to California in the first place. I came here to go to school and then to be in an environment where I could connect with the right people who would help me develop my writing skills and finally get my work published and produced.

I travelled all around everywhere this summer and got to experience different aspects of life, and I am so glad Allah. I am so glad for all of the experiences that I have had. My life is not complete, though. I have a lot to do here, and my life is actually beginning intentionally for the first time. It’s not a reaction to poverty anymore. It’s not an escape from pain and loneliness. I am creating from a place of fullness.

And this writing is not flowing smoothly today, but guess what? I’m gonna’ write any way, and I know you are going to bring the words to me, God, because you gave me the inspiration.

So I’m sitting and I’m waiting for You… and this is going to be good. It already is. That’s where We were when We last left off. The good stuff. Give it to me, Lord. I’m laughing because You are telling me to give it to You. It’s in me, You say. I am the good stuff. Thank you.

As I write, my world opens up and I let you in… And I thank you for reading. The good stuff is sharing a laugh with my sisters. It’s writing. It’s having more money than I need to do or be whatever pleases me. The good stuff is a man who has clean breath and knows himself. A wonderful book, sunshine and trees are good stuff. Fresh food. My mom when she’s happy. The good stuff is clear skin and knowing that everything will be all right. It’s yummy, delicious, uninhibited expressions of Love. It’s witnessing growth, my own and others. Oooh, it’s good acupuncture and yoga teachers who know what they are doing. Bright-eyed kids and cuddly babies and teenagers growing into their skin…

The good stuff is this moment, God, when I am sure that I have crossed over. How do I know this when so much on the outside is the same? I can feel it. Yes, I can feel it in my bones. I am on the other side of happy, because even when I cry, even when everything falls apart, I know deep down that there is still good stuff around.

I know that this is the good time because even when I am alone on a Friday night, I can turn down invitations to spend my time doing things that aren’t good for my soul. I know I have arrived because I make choices from a place of certainty now, instead of feeling desperate to prove this, that and the other to whoever.

We have a choice, you know. We can choose a good life. We can choose a good life even if we can’t imagine a good life for ourselves. It’s like magic. You choose to have the good stuff and then your mind shifts and you start thinking about what the good stuff really means. And then after you figure out what that means to you, you can figure out how to accomplish it and keep sharing a laugh with your sisters, or only trust a man who knows himself with your heart.

But it might not work at first. If you’re not used to good stuff, you’ll probably mess it up the first time something good happens. It’s okay, though. You’re just fine tuning. Open up more. Pray a little more. Figure out what you could do better. Get some help. Blame no one. Forgive everyone. Everyone. And try again.

There’s no judgement. We all have to start somewhere. I’ve decided to stay in LA a little longer and focus on the good stuff. I’ve decided to tune my efforts and make the best of my time here, which means finally finishing projects and submitting them to all potential prospects. I’m gonna’ keep at it until I can honestly say I did my best. I’ve decided to forgive Dream Lover and my dad and anyone else that I’ve been waiting for an apology from. Again and again until I can say their names and not feel the slightest hint of resentment in my heart.

I’ve decided to keep trying to manifest the life of my dreams. Really, being who I am, I have no choice, but I’m not going to look at it that way. I am going to acknowledge the blessing and the gift in these thoughts alone, and I thank You God, for helping me to have an open heart and mind instead of a closed one…

I’ve decided to be on purpose, Allah, and I am strangely confident. I’m starting from a place of purpose. I’m starting with the knowledge that You are the Source of the good stuff. I am opening my heart and my mind and allowing life to flow smoothly. I will not stop until Your will is done. Again and again I get up and I get up and I get up… Ameen.

Day 159

Get Up (Again and Again and Again)



From → The Good Stuff

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