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Day 158 – From Breakdown to Break Through

August 13, 2012

I just finished reading the most inspiring book I’ve ever read…

I’m back. Had a bit of a mental breakdown, but I’m back, better than ever. It doesn’t look that way on the outside, but it feels that way.

You know, the thing about hard times or breakdowns or low points, whatever you want to call it, is that they are not necessarily bad for you. Everyone wants to hurry up and get through the “hard times”, pretend they don’t exist. But they do. And sometimes there’s magic in them. Often times there’s a healing and a change in them, if we will just sit and wait.

So, I was really frustrated the last time I wrote, and I’m still slightly uneasy. Slightly. I couldn’t figure anything out. I had come so close to having the life of my dreams, in all aspects, and then suddenly everything just fell apart. Literally. And I found myself back in my bland apartment in the ghetto, with a very little bank account, no man, no writings sold, rent due, and having to park my car in another neighborhood so it wouldn’t get stolen. I no clue about what to do next.

In this past, this would have initiated a panic reaction. I would have found some kind of way to hurry up and try and get make a quick fix to everything: get some raggedy job that at least paid me money, find some guy to hang out with, or go out with one of my exes (some of whom happened to be suddenly calling me at the time)… You get the gist.

But I didn’t that this time. Instead, I did what any normal girl would do. I cursed the Earth that I walk on and broke down. I didn’t try to rationalize anything or plan. I didn’t try to make anyone do anything for me. I sought comfort in some people that I would have liked to be around, and when they didn’t answer their phones, I didn’t even send them mean text messages. I just allowed myself to fall apart because, quite frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.

God will bring you to your knees…

I prayed, you know, and I think God heard me this time. I think I heard myself. I told the truth about what I was really feeling. I put it in this blog and I humbled myself. I don’t know it all. That’s just the truth. I’m not always right, whatever that means. I was hurting and I was sad and I was disappointed and I didn’t know what direction to go next. And worst of all, I knew that no one outside of me knew which direction to go either.

And so You brought me home to myself…

It doesn’t take that long for a transformation. Like the speaker at my spiritual center said, it only takes the courage to change. We all like to talk about people who have breakdowns and call them crazy and whatever, but the truth is, a breakthrough is always preceded by a breakdown. How could it be any other way?

When you decide to do something different or be someone different, you are literally going to go through changes. Whether that means that you are losing weight and your thighs itch and burn and the fat melts off or whether it means that you are changing your mind and your head hurts because new synapses are being built and destroyed, things are going to fall apart, and at some point, if you really want a change, you’re going to have to sit through it. All of the ugliness that is bound to come out. It’s trying to come out. That’s what you asked for, didn’t you?

So I’m sitting here today and the sun is setting as I sit on the rooftop of a building on my old college campus. I am at peace, Lord. There is no one left to curse out. There is no one left to blame. After the storm, there is only life and potential left…

I am happy because today I can see the potential for my life again, and this is where it starts, with a vision. I can see the power in words, amongst other things, and I can see that I am valuable. I’ve never said that before. I’ve never allowed myself to be that. I was scared that it was bad to be valuable. But we all have value.

I’m not in a rush to do anything or go anywhere any more. We have come to a new place, you and I, God. There is no need for the constant busyness. There is no need to be afraid, anymore. We have been through many storms and they didn’t kill us, and we have tasted bliss, just on the tips of Our tongues, and that didn’t make Our head explode.

And now, without the fear, I can do what I have been longing to do all this time. In truth, I can be myself. What a wonderful realization. To know that I can be myself. And I finally know who that Self is. Now I can be free…

Day 158

From Breakdown to Break Through

From → The Good Stuff

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