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Day 160 – Commit

August 24, 2012

It’s morning again, not early morning, but work hours.

I’m not at work. I’m at home. My nine to five was supposed to start back up last week, but I didn’t go.

This past week, I’ve been mulling over my life, doing an assessment of sorts. In the back of my mind, I can remember a time when I was successful. I was that girl. With the good paying job and the fancy clothes. I was the one who always had money in my account and got all the scholarships and grants for stuff. I was that person who could say she wanted to do a thing, and everyone believed she was going to do it. That was me, who bought a house when I was under 30. That was me who was successful. That was me who always had good friends and family to hang out with. That was me who actually had awesome men vying for my love…

I fell off somewhere, and the other day I looked in the mirror. No wonder I have been depressed for so long. There was a time when I actually lived a balanced, healthy life. There was a time when I was doing exactly what I wanted to do: teaching, being a part of dance group, praying, having dinner with friends and family and going to the chiropractor on my health insurance… There was a time that life was good… I remember it. I know what life was like, and that is why it is so hard for me to reconcile what life is like now, and who I have become…

So this morning, I was looking around and looking within me. Because I can write a blog forever, but at some point, something has got to change. And I’m talking about real, lasting change. I just can’t live like this forever. I can’t be poor forever. I can’t sad forever. I can’t be sitting here with all of these books and movies and songs and ideas in me forever and not get them out. I can’t have all this love and life in me and not share it with people. I know better, and now that I know better, I have to do better. This life I have now just really won’t do for me…

This morning I was praying and meditating and I could locate the exact moments in my life when I began to fall apart. They were so vivid: My good friend who had never said a bad word to me calling me stupid, having to move out of the house when I had given everything in me to try and keep it, breaking up with the guy that I thought was my soul mate after giving up everything to be with him… My mom explaining something to me about our past and me not knowing what to believe… Getting evicted… And then having all these other silly relationships with men that had foundations of mutual usury…

Somewhere in the past couple of years, I broke. I really broke myself. I didn’t even see it happening, but now I can see clearly exactly what happened. Retrospect is always twenty twenty, but somewhere, I got lost. I started getting used to not trusting people. I started getting used to being sad and broke. I started getting used to saying I was going to do something and not following through, and I got used to never ever finishing anything I really cared about. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped believing in anything really. It happens…

I think we are creatures of habit. You get used to your shit. Yeah, I said it. Shit. We get used to being liars or angry or lonely because sometime a long time ago, someone hurt us or disappointed us and we thought we had to protect ourselves. And we probably did have to protect ourselves from that person or that situation, but we make that closed space of guardedness our lives.

What a wonderful thing then, to be able to wake up one morning and see what’s really going on. That’s the first part of real transformation. Now, I’ll give myself some credit. I have been intentionally working towards change for about a year now, and I have seen some progress, but my life on the outside still does not reflect who I know I am on the inside, or at least who I know I’d like to be. I don’t have a long way to go, and this is what this blog is about today: commitment.

It’s my favorite scary word, and even now, just saying it brings up thoughts of betrayal and woundings from the past… I think commitment is a necessary agent for change, though. You don’t lose weight by just running around the track one day. You have to exercise consistently. You have to change your diet. But first, you have to make a clear decision that this is what you are going to do and then do what you can to do it, in spite of hunger pains and withdrawal symptoms, in spite of how long it may take. You have to make a clear decision about what you want to do or be and then decide that you are not going to stop until you see your goal out until the end…

So today I’m making a commitment. It’s just a commitment to myself. I’ll be clear instead of making a vague, broad commitment. At this point in my life, I’m at zero, tabula rasa. So I have everything to gain and nothing to lose. I’m just now realizing that this is actually not a bad place to be. My old life before these last two years, which I will call the Dark Ages, was good, but it’s not the life for me anymore. My calling is different now, more vast. I’m not afraid of it any more… So let’s go, God. I’m making a commitment today, You and I. I’ll start with the big and then we’ll get down to the details. Today, I make a commitment to live a good life, and I mean a real good life. A real good life that consists of a balance between giving and receiving. This good life consists of joyous, harmonious, loving interactions with my fellow travelers. This good life consists of abundance, more than I could ever imagine. For real. Not just in some affirmation. This good life consists of expressing all of the gifts that I am inspired to express. All of them. This good life consists of a continual cleansing of my heart, mind and spirit and a continual growing up. I am making a commitment today, Allah, to be that woman that I was destined to be. And I’m for real about it… I know, it’s a tall order to fill. I’ve got a long way to go, but I don’t feel like it’s a long way. I feel like I’ve laid a really strong foundation within myself and I thank you for all of the sorrow, Allah, that has helped to me a much more compassionate and forgiving and loving person. I thank you for all of it. I don’t regret it. I don’t even regret these past two years. I’m glad I can understand what it’s like to be broken. I won’t judge those people so harshly anymore, and I might actually be able to help them now. I’m glad I know what it’s like to love again and to give again…

I’m glad for it all… So, we’ll start with the little things: My money, my writings, and my relationships. Those seem to be the most pressing at this time. So today, I commit to doing at least one thing a day in all three areas. For real. I’m going to make a real list and put it on my wall. I commit to making at least one attempt to earn income a day. I commit to working creatively towards one project a day. Instead of scattering them around, I will commit to completions. Finish writing and submitting one project, and then go to the next. And I commit to interacting positively with at least one person a day. This is small, but these are commitments I know I can keep.

Not editing this blog today. I just want to get started… Ameen.

Day 160


From → The Good Stuff

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