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Day 163 – Keep The Faith

September 19, 2012

It’s late morning and the day started kind of slow. I’ve been sick all week. First my eyes were acting up, then a cold, and now a slight headache.

Guess what, though? I finished my song!!!!! I’m really proud of it, because I actually like it. It’s the kind of song that I would listen to, and I find myself even singing it at times. So, I sent it out to about 13 people (friends and family) and all except one really like it as well. Most of the people I know have never heard or read any of my creative writing, and it was kind of cool, because my family thinks differently of me now. They actually think I’m talented, instead of thinking that I’m just over here in Cali picking my nose all day. So that’s great. I did a copyright on the song and I submitted it to my connection with the artist that I wrote it for, so we’ll see. I think she’s gonna love it. I’ll keep you posted.

There is so much to talk about. I’ve been going through so many changes these days. Sometimes I can’t keep up and my head just starts hurting.

A strange thing happened when I finished my song. I got all depressed and worried, and right now I’m feeling a little scared, God. I finished my song like You told me to do and I submitted it, but rent is coming up soon and I’m getting the urge to go pick up some quick rinky dink job instead of spending all day working on my projects and doing yoga. There’s just no way around it. I don’t have a sponsor that’s willing to pay for my living while I finish stuff. Maybe you should find one, You say. Hmm… There’s an idea…

The good stuff. Always remember to come back to the center. It is easy to get lost if you don’t remind yourself. I miss him sometimes, You know? You know. Sometimes I get worried and wonder if this way of life really works or if I’m just wasting my time, you know? You know. I am strong, but sometimes I am just a little girl wanting my daddy to make me some porridge again. Sometimes I don’t want to be the leader anymore, but I just want someone to take care of me, I mean really take care of me. Love me. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I just want life to be easy.

I get tired of trying to ward off all the guys who don’t give a sh*t about me. I get tired, God, of having to do so much work on myself just so I can accept good things. I get tired of failed relationships and almost successes, and sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith because, well, because how do you keep the faith when you don’t know what’s going to happen? How do I trust that everything is going to be all right when I haven’t really known many examples of people who are happy with their lives?

All of these fancy philosophies sound good in theory, but how do you practice them? It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m the farthest thing from lazy. But I feel lazy when I’m writing all day and I get a bill saying my insurance is due or a have a loan to pay back and You tell me to write all day and then my loan will be paid, but I don’t see the correlation between writing and paying car insurance and You say keep the faith but sometimes I look silly to myself because I know how to get a paycheck and I’m not doing that and what if I finish writing and then there’s still no money???

Keep the faith, You say. Sigh… There is a fine fine line between faith and stupidity. OK. Worst case scenario. I finish writing everything and then no money magically appears. I clean up and organize everything in house and no man knocks at my door. Hmm… I guess I could always get a rinky dink job then or even a fancy job and I could go outside and get a man any day. I could sublet my apartment. So what You’re saying is that I really don’t have that much to lose and everything to gain…

You know this is really challenging for me, huh God? You know. Grow, baby. Grow, You say. Make it easy. Make it fun. Make it Your life. I am with you. I am with you. Always.

Day 163

Keep The Faith

 

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From → The Good Stuff

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