My brain is going all over the place. Lord, I need some stability. I can’t get anything done if I’m not stable…
God, I moved out of my apartment today and I feel like I made I mistake. You say no I didn’t, but I feel like I did. The place I was going to move into didn’t come through, and now I’m going to have to crash at friends and family until I can find another place. Is this just another distraction I created for myself, God? You say no, but I don’t understand, because all my stuff is in my car and I’m not at peace in my mind…
You say find some peace and I’m trying, but it’s not coming because I’m scared and I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of all this instability. I keep coming so close and then everything falls apart. Everything is not falling apart, You say, but it feels that way.
It feels that way when I don’t have a place to stay or a good source of income and when all the men who approach me these days just want to get in my pants before they even know my last name. How do I cross over, God? I don’t like these crossroads.
-You are crossing.
But I can’t see it.
-You are crossing.
But I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like nothing is working and I thought You said that if I really tried and if I was really sincere about things then you would make things work for me and help me to do what I thought I was called to do.
-You are in the midst of the crossing, and that is why you are falling apart and falling into your new self. The dust will settle. Settle now. In the midst of the crossing, find the place where faith lives. Find the place where you believe that this can be easy. That this is easy. Please do not turn back now. You have come so far. Peace of mind is in you. Yes, your life is falling apart. Thank God! You didn’t want that life and that life no longer suits the woman you are evolving into. So of course you will fall apart. It isn’t falling apart. It’s growth.
-This is how you renew your faith. You come back. You pull away. You remember that there are possibilities beyond your present perception and you lean into them. Let’s do it now. Yes, I know you want to stay sad and despairing, but let’s look at your greater desire. To be happy. To be fulfilled. Will you let Me help you right now? In the midst of your doubts? This is where the magic happens. Right now.
OK.
-Take a look at yourself from outside of yourself. Just for a moment, lean into the possibility of your life. You had it the other day. Why do you think everyone else believes in you? Why do you think everyone counts on you? Because they know what you can not see about yourself. You can do it. You can be it. You are already doing it and being it. Lean in… Lay your worries to the side. Let your pride and ego rest. Give the doubts a break and try, Laydie. Try to live as if you actually thought you were moving towards something good, because you are. This is your comfort, but it is not from Me, it is from you from Me. Do you get it? Try to let go of your fears. Try to believe. Try to trust. Just try. You will find that in this action, the easiness comes. Your baby sis wants to take care of you. Let her. If you want people to take care of you, you have to let them…
Wow… I just got a text from a friend going out of town tomorrow who says I can stay at his place while he’s gone. Wow. OK.
-That’s a little miracle, Laydie. I can do so much more if you will only but allow it. You have to let them Love you, you see? Let somebody Love you…
Day 173
Let Somebody Love You
Okay, this is my third attempt at blogging tonight. First I talked about the events of my day, then I wrote a letter to the image of my ideal man, and now… Well, I don’t really know where this is going, but I’m compelled to write, so I’ll just let it flow, because tonight feels a bit exceptional…
So what should I say, God? You say, say nothing. Listen. And Follow Directions. No elaboration necessary… Hmm… OK. What a world. 🙂
Day 172
Follow Directions
Good morning world/God/me,
It’s 6:11 and the sun hasn’t come out yet. I’ve been up for a while posting resumes and sorting out my finances and housing situation.
My mood is kind of low. A little tired of things not working out yet. Not discouraged, just tired. I want it to be easier, God. I did an inventory of my life the other day and discovered that not much of it going the way I had imagined it to be right now. I had to scan everything and see if my life had ever gone the way I had imagined and I found a time when it had! Before I came to LA. I was actually successful, with enough money, and a place of my own, doing the exact job I wanted to do and being surrounded by people that I loved to be around. I was in a dance group and doing stuff in the community… What happened?
I tried to locate the exact moment when things fell apart for me, and I could see that it was a gradual breakdown. Like if you get in a car accident and years later you have chronic back pain. Step one was when I came to LA. I was in grad school and it was really challenging and I had to work hard and a lot to keep up. In the meantime, an major investment I had made back home was going sour. I didn’t have the time or energy to go to school and take care of the investment, so I let the investment fail. It was the first time in my life that I had failed at anything, and I was in my upper twenties by then. I’m just realizing now that it was traumatizing. That was my initiation to failure.
I have had some minor successes since then, but I don’t think I’ve gotten to the point of flourishing consistently since I’ve been in this town. Granted, my career changed and I decided to try and get into a field that is much more competitive than what I used to do, and granted, my family is not here, but I don’t think those are the reasons why I haven’t seen the success I would like. I think it’s me. Something broke in me. I stopped believing in myself. I started getting scared. I never used to be scared before I did stuff. The possibility that I could fail never even occurred to me before it actually happened to me, and that fear is a crippling, debilitating disease. It is like a monster in your brain devouring all faith and stunting all progress…
God, I am ready to bid the monster goodbye now. I don’t even have to slay it or anything. I just want to do like the little girl did on “Beasts of the Southern Wild”. I want to look it in the eye and tell it to leave. Because this is not who I am. I am not a failure. I’m just not. And this will no longer do. This scraping and begging and barely getting by, these ridiculous relationships with foundations of usury and manipulation, this keeping my love in a bottle, this gnawing fear, these incomplete projects and unexpressed potential will no longer do. It’s unacceptable as my life now. I’ve really had enough of it, and I’m talking to myself because it’s no one else’s fault. I can blame the men or my parents or my gender or race or society or my age or whatever, but the truth of the matter is, this life in these fingers that type these words is mine. It’s mine.
And God, I haven’t been listening. Not all the way. You’ve already told me what I need to do, but I have done it. Not all the way. I’ve been afraid. Please forgive me. I’m just getting to know you and I’ve been scared to listen to you because in the past when I was successful, I had just listened to myself and that’s how I got things done. I don’t think I really ever thought about whether or not I was happy or whatever, but now everything is different, and even my past life before Cali won’t do anymore.
I have a calling on my life. People used to tell me that when I was younger. Random strangers would walk up to me and prophesize about my life, and they still do, and I just thought they were weird and crazy, but maybe they weren’t. The other day, I was walking down the street in this ghetto and I passed by a pretty teenage girl. She was just minding her business. A petite thing with a huge backpack. We were walking in opposite directions and I saw her coming from a distance and I thought, “how pretty”. What was interesting was what happened when she passed me back. It was like a wave came over me, like I had just walked into something beautiful in the middle of this ghetto. It was the energy she was radiating. So peaceful… And I thought, what a beautiful thing. Am I like that? Because if I can do that, if I can walk in the middle of the ghetto and make someone remember that life is good just by walking by, then I think my life would be well lived, and I think that that is what I am becoming and that is who I am, but I’d like my outside life to reflect that now, God.
Umm hmm. I am making requests. I am opening up. Because I can’t do this life thing without you any more. I don’t want to. I have experienced the bad stuff and I get it. I don’t judge people anymore. I understand. Life can break a person down before they even realize what’s happening. I get it. It happened to me. And now I don’t even get mad at the guys who hurt me. It happened to them too. Something broke them and they don’t even realize it. And I can pray for them now. I can pray for myself. That we get it together.
Lord, help us. Open our hearts and minds so that we may know that all of this bad stuff isn’t necessary. Help us. We accept. I accept. Your Help and your guidance. I will follow. I allow the healing to take place. I see where the damage was done and I let it go. And I realize that pain and failure are possibilities in life, but success and ease are still possibilities as well. I choose them now. Today. I choose success and ease. I choose for life to be easy now. Like the Mulan song, I choose for my reflection to show who I really am inside. I choose life, Allah. I choose to thrive now instead of just getting by. And I choose forgiveness and compassion for all that have crossed my path, and I open myself to receiving forgiveness and compassion as well. I set this prayer free as my life. I am not ashamed anymore. This is who I am, and this is who I have been. I am okay with myself. Finally. Finally…
Day 171
Success
It’s 4 am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I was on the phone for almost four hours with a new guy that I met almost immediately after I posted my last blog…
I had left the Writer’s Guild library and decided to go the park before I continued on with my day. I wanted to sit out in nature and meditate a bit before I made a call I had to make, and I ran into this sweaty guy who was running around the track.
God, You cease to amaze me. How are you just gonna answer my prayers that quick??? I’m not gonna jump the gun and fantasize about him or create something that’s not concrete yet, but can I just say that this is the first time since I’ve been in Los Angeles that I have met an eligible bachelor who is completely ready and available to start a real relationship with someone today? This is the first time in a long time…
And I see the difference. All of the men I have met in the past have either lived in some far away place or they’ve been in the midst of getting over some woman that still had their heart, or they were physically caught up with someone(s) else, or too busy with work to think about relationships or scared to give their heart or whatever. Unavailable. But I actually met a single man who has a stable life, isn’t currently screwing anyone, hasn’t been emotionally attached to anyone for over a year, lives on his own, has an income, is age appropriate, has no kids, doesn’t smoke or drink, prays every day, thinks quirky women who look like me are the hottest thing on the planet, and he’s cute? And he’s interested in me? And he only dates one person at a time??? Wow…
I see why you give things in increments, God. I can’t even sleep at the thought that I have met one of these elusive characters: the available man. This is new to me.
Prayers get answered. Prayers get answered. It is all happening so fast. I am closing my eyes so that I can see clear, and You say say Yes again. And I say Yes and I’m trying not be scared. Moving forward would mean letting go of all of my other fantasies. It would mean I can no longer wait for the day Mr. Almost Famous finally realizes that he’s in love with me… It would mean that I can’t keep hoping in the deep deep corners of my mind that Dream Lover will reappear one day. It would mean that I have to accept that Mr. Colorado just lives in Colorado but he’ll never live with me again. It would mean that I would have to let the past go. Like, for real. Because I see that you are brining me a good thing. The present. The future. It’s different than what I thought it would be. It’s not a fantasy. It’s actually real.
I am afraid that I will fail, God. That I won’t be able to sustain the real. But I am willing to be strong. You said all I had to do is be willing, and so I am willing to be strong enough to accept good things for real, not just in my head. I am willing to use my strength in a good way now. I am willing to give it up. Yes. Now, today and ever more. Everything. I am willing to give up everything if it means that I will be able to taste the life that is scratching at my soul. The apartment, my perceptions of myself and the world, everything. I’m willing to be wrong about everything, and I’m even willing to be right.
I’m willing to make the trade. Fantasy for reality. Dreams for dreams coming true. Sad for happy. Past for present. Help me, God, to hold this space, please. Help me to not be afraid of a good life anymore, to not worry about how things will end up. Help me to really be happy. Help me to live my destiny. I really want it. With all of me. And I’m willing to accept it. Help me to be a good person, please. I am praying to You tonight. I am praying like my life depends on it, because I know it does. And it is not me doing the magic. I know. But I know I have to be willing to accept miracles and I am more than willing to accept the good things that even my brain denies.
So brain, you and I are going to have a talk right now. This is it. We have a good life now. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Our life is a good life. We are going to take a bath and wash you out so that you can be clear enough to accept all this new good stuff that is rushing towards us. We are going to sustain this good life. Nope. I don’t want to hear about the past. It’s over. It’s done. The pain is gone. You don’t believe me? Look. Our back doesn’t even hurt any more. It’s done. Relax the borough in our forehead. Relax our mind for a second. Relax. I am going to clean you over with truth, in all your achy places. Brain wash for real… Relax. I am going to bless you with hope and even that other elusive word: Love. Relax. You are safe now. You are smart now. I Love You. Relax. We have tapped into our one and Only protector and He is well pleased with us. Good job. Relax. Now you may live. Now you may live…
Day 170
Relax
These past few days have been pretty different than usual. Movement is in the air.
One of my sister’s pressured me to hurry up and organize this “heal the world” venture that I have been speaking of for some time, and before I knew it, I was preparing a proposal for “Project Rebuild” and on a conference call with the village chief of the particular country that I would like to work in… Wow. It’s actually happening.
I have to slow down and catch up. Breathe a little. Things are changing and I know this feeling. I know what change feels like. This is crazy.
So, I”m sitting in the Writer’s Guild library today. I was supposed to start work on a new project today, but I’m too excited. I can’t tell you yet, but one of my other projects actually moved today. That’s film talk, but by “moved” I mean moved forward to another stage of development, like maybe someone called you, or you had a meeting, or you’re talking about contracts, or anything that means the prospects for completion are more likely.
So things are moving. I had to sit real still today and pray like I’ve never prayed before, because things are moving and they have moved before and I wasn’t ready or able or I thought it was too good to be true and messed it all up, and this time, I would like to be able to accept the realization, the fulfillment, Allah, of my dreams coming true.
My dream life is becoming my real life and it’s just happening so fast. You say no it’s not. It’s been a long time coming. I guess it happens like that. It’s a long time coming, but literally, things actually change in one day. Just yesterday, I was crying over dudes and today I can feel the life coursing through my veins… I can feel the life coursing through my veins, y’all. Do you know what that feels like?
I want to share a bit. It feels like water. Pure and easy. It looks like my dad’s big, bold, smile, and it sounds like my mother’s sweet, loving songs. It feels like everything is gonna be all right… I don’t know much, but I know what I know, and today, I know that everything is gonna be all right. I actually know it is. It just is. You don’t believe me, and that’s ok, because I know that my life does not depend on you believing me, it depends on me believing me.
When I leave here, I am going to make a phone call, and after I make that phone call, I am going to go and bless my baby sis with some water and sugar like she likes. I am going to reach out and find someone to go to my spiritual center with me tonight, and then I’m going to go home, put some ads on line, and start packing up my apartment.
God, I don’t know where I’m going, but I am following Your lead, all the way this time. You are my guide, you are my way. I allow all the fear and all the doubt that I have ever experienced to be transmuted and obliterated in this moment. I replace it with faith. I trust. I lean onto The One who created me and The One who created all existence. I declare, I announce and I allow my Life to be a good life. “My Life is a good life… My way is a good way.” Ameen.
Day 169
Move
Not quite sure where this one is going, so I’ll just write and see where I end up…
Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I’ve had in a long time. Disappointment is never easy, especially if you’ve given your all. It makes you question the meaning of things. How could I could love so hard, and my love not be returned? How could you give your all to a particular project and it not turn out successful? Where is the rhyme or reason in this?….
I just got interrupted by a phone call. Yesterday, I met this older guy as I was having lunch. I mean older, older, like old enough to be my grandfather. Long story short, he asked for my contact information and I gave it to him. I didn’t save his number in my phone, so he just called and it was a strange number, so I answered it… Hmm. Do you know he immediately began speaking to me about disappointment and manifesting one’s heart’s desires? Hmmm…
He said that for any given situation, there is positive and negative energy surrounding whatever you want. So let’s say you say you want to make $1000 dollars by the end of the week. Well, there’s the part of you that wants to do that and thinks you can, and then there’s the part of you that thinks that you’re too dumb or too irresponsible or too whatever to actually make that happen. Whichever part is stronger will control the manifestation and that is what will come forth. I’m not sure if I buy into this, but it seems to be true in my life, as I look back at my successes…
I asked my new friend, “So, how does one cope with disappointment? What do you do when you know that you want a loving relationship, but there is something in you that really doesn’t think you can have it?”. He said, “You get stronger. You look at all your so-called disappointments as opportunities for growth, and then you grow some more. When you have reached the level where your positive energy is stronger than your negative, the evidence will be in the manifestation of your heart’s deepest desires”….
What a perfect conversation. Right on time. I’m not sure how much truth is in his words, but they were the right words at the right time. I am willing to grow some more and rise above my fears. I am willing to open up some more and not be afraid when things don’t go as I planned. I’m willing to trust you, God, and do all the work you asked me to do without knowing where it will lead. I’m actually willing to stick this thing out until I see results. I am willing to grow and get stronger. Strong is no longer a bad word for me, because I am going to combine it with gentle and sensitive and respect all those aspects of myself. I am strong, and I am gentle, and I am sensitive.
What if I could grow and get stronger and it could be easy instead of hard? I’m going to try that out. You know, when you think of a strong woman, you always have this image of someone with a frown on their face, who is all alone doing things by themselves and raising kids without a man, etc. That’s not the kind of strong I want to be. I’d like to be strong like this graceful woman I saw on the “Bachelor” once, lol. She was one of the last two women left to marry the bachelor, and she didn’t get picked. Throughout the whole season, she was gentle, and kind and graceful and so strong, and when he didn’t pick her, she cried, but she had a smile on her face, and she blessed him and accepted his decision and she meant it. You could tell that she was strong enough to accept his decision and be happy anyway. That is the kind of strong I would like to be, God.
Actually, that is the kind of strong that I am choosing to be, and there is a level of faith involved in that kind of strength, because at the root of that, there must be two root ideas. One, you must believe that what is best for you is not always what you think is best for you, and two, you must believe that you will have your hearts deepest desires even if it doesn’t come from that situation, so that when you don’t get what you think you want from someone else right when you want it, you can let that go, and respect another person’s decision to live life as they please. Perhaps at the level of consciousness that you are at, you would not have been able to sustain a good thing. Perhaps you need to be alone a bit more so that you may develop the patience that is necessary to maintain a loving relationship. Maybe if if you had accepted whatever job, then you wouldn’t be free to work on that book deal that is actually inching it’s way towards you right now. Perhaps the perfect man for you is waiting right at the next restaurant you will go to…
In the midst of all our disappointments, after we have cried, we can stop blaming other people now, for doing what they want to do, and we can look for the ways that we might need to grow and learn and adjust and open and receive so that our lives can actually reflect our true heart’s desires. I am willing to do this…
Thank you, God, for this blessing, for this lesson. Thank you for my smile today. I don’t have to be sad for a long time any more when things don’t go my way. Thank you for helping me to know this. I can be strong and open and happy. I actually believe it, and I’m gonna keep praying and working and doing what you say until it becomes my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Day 168
Grow Some More
1:25 am. Can’t sleep.
Thoughts give me no peace. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Poem from the movie Pariah:
“Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I am open
See the love shine in through my cracks
See the light shine out from me
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
And I am not running
I am choosing
I am broken
I am broken open
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I am free”
Words have always comforted me. I have been looking, God, for a hero. I have been looking for a savior. I have been hiding out. I had forgotten.
I had forgotten. I had forgotten. I had forgotten, Lord. I had forgotten that I was a prize, and I had been looking for someone, someone with value, to tell me that I was okay, to validate me. I had forgotten, Lord.
I forgot that I can write pretty poems, too. I forgot that I deserve pretty gifts, too, like compassion and consideration. My God, I forgot that I could be comforted, too. Where is my dad to remind me that I, too, am a prize?
Where is my dad? Dad, I forgot that I was special and I let so many people do bad things to me. I forgot that I could do stuff and be someone, like you told me I could. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to run after people and chase them and beg them to love me and not leave me and remember me and take care of me when I was sick.
You told me not to hang around bad people, but I was so lonely that I hung around anyone, and I forgot… I forgot that I’m okay. I really did. Even with all my issues. I’m okay.
And today, tonight, I remember. I am broken open. Heart broken open. He just left me, Dad. Abandoned me. They just left me and they didn’t even check to see how I was doing, or care if I could pay my rent or get off the bed. They didn’t care if I needed a friend and they took my weakness as an opportunity to exploit and manipulate and use and try and control me… And I let them. And I called them friends and I called them lovers but they didn’t love me. They never did. They don’t even know what that means…
Thank the Lord, I am broken open. I am broken open. It’s like a veil is coming off my eyes. Wow. It has been so long since I thought I was worth sh*t. I mean, I haven’t even thought about it, but look how I have been living. Playing so small. Hanging out with folks who clearly don’t give a d*mn about me. Tossing my love away, trying to shove it down the throats of people who don’t even want it. I am ashamed, God, but you tell me not to be.
You tell me to share my story, to share my words. You tell me that there is healing in what I am doing. You tell me to keep going. You tell me that I am waking up and sometimes it hurts to wake up after you have been asleep for a long time, but oh, I am waking up and I have so much more to give to the world because of my slumber… You tell me that I am the Prize, and I remember… I remember…
And what does it mean to be a Prize, God? I need to tell it to my mind. How does it mean to walk in the world with value? You say I hold my head up, and I don’t beg people to choose me or my work, I just put it out there and those who recognize good things will come. I can love as much as I want, but before I give myself to a man, I make sure that he has proven himself worthwhile, because you don’t just toss a valuable thing away, you make sure that whoever you are giving it to will appreciate it and take care of it…
Tonight it is past time to remember, You say.. You are overdue, Laydie. So remember, now. You are the Prize. Say it to your mind. Say it to your feet. Say it to your heart. Say it to your hands, so that you may now and forever more create your life from this place, a place of integrity. A place where you honor who you are. A place where you recognize that your love and your friendship and your precious presence is a gift and you become discerning and careful and wise about who you give your gifts to. You don’t need to reinforce the lie that you are unlovable and not valuable and worthless any more. That is not your life any more. That is a lie! Come back now to the place of truth. The place where you can accept the good things that always flow towards you. The place of alignment and Divine right action. Stop playing small. Stop playing small, baby. Now.
Day 167
You Are The Prize (Value Yourself)
Good morning world,
This one might be kind of short because I have to get started for the day, but I wanted to take a moment to reach out and remember this time…
Yesterday I went to yoga and we did a stretch that felt like it cracked my brain open. It was like a straight line flowing from my legs all the way up through my back and on top of my right eyebrow that was stretched, and every ache or pain that I had felt was connected to that straight line. All my back pain, abdominal pain, this blockage that I feel in my forehead sometimes, it was all hooked up to one pathway in my body. And we did that one stretch and I could feel everything, every remembered pain in my body, falling away and stretching out.
It was the most refreshing thing I have experienced in a long time, and it was a trip to know that at some point, I had thrown some part of my body out of whack, and as a result, every connected part had gone out of alignment as well. But it was refreshing to know that it was possible to get this thing back in order. My yoga teacher called me the “curvy girl”, since my spine was curving all this way and the other.
As a note, when you see me on the street, unless you have the trained eye of a good doctor or teacher, you can’t tell that my back is a bit crooked, but when I do those yoga poses, it all comes clear. When I used to teach yoga to kids, I remember I would tell them all to stand straight and they would try their best, and it would be amazing to see how some of them shrugged their right shoulder up or stuck their left hip out or leaned more on one leg and they thought they were standing straight.
The imbalances start at a young age, but they are fixable, and it is especially wonderful when you find someone with the knowledge to recognize where the root of the injury is, and the ability to help you get it all straightened out…
Lord, Lord, Lord. I am getting my life straightened out, in all ways. I am coming back into alignment in all ways…
Yesterday I gave my apartment my 30 day move out notice. One of my neighbors had complained to management about me parking my car in a non parking spot and management told me that I couldn’t park there. My only other options were to park on the street (where my car has been stolen before) or park in another more safe neighborhood miles away. So I parked in a safe neighborhood, and it became crystal clear to me that my car doesn’t belong here anymore. I don’t belong here anymore. Final answer.
I have more work to do. There are still unfinished projects on the “to-do” list and people have been reaching out to me lately with new projects. I see that Dream Lover was really just a dream, and I’m finally ok with that. I think we both tried our very best and we both helped each other to see the areas where we still needed to grow so that we could accept our dreams coming true. I can let him go at last. Sometimes he still comes to me in my dreams and meditations and we have talks about the things we did and didn’t do. He is apologetic and I am compassionate. He never forgives me for things I did, though, but I say sorry anyway and I mean it. It’s enough for me, though, to know that there is life and happiness outside of him, outside of that particular dream.
There are other dreams that I’m not even aware of. In fact, there is more than dreams. There is reality. And here is where the work is done. No more dreaming that maybe, one day, at some time, life will be different. Let’s make it different in real life. Let’s do the work as if we actually believe that our dreams can and will come true. In real life. Like, for real for real. Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe that you can have a love that lasts? I’ll be honest. I didn’t really believe it. I wanted to, but I didn’t really. But I am finally starting to believe it. For real for real. I am finally doing the work and doing the work and here is where the change is made. In our every day thoughts and actions. In our willingness to truly accept good things. In our daily practice of remembering and affirming and accepting and cleaning out all the old stuff, and taking tiny actions, our lives are changed.
In our willingness to love on purpose and be kind on purpose and give something on purpose in spite of all that may not try to knock us down, in our commitments to really be true to ourselves even when we think that we might not have a man or someone might leave us or people might think we are failures or ugly or whatever they can think us.
In our ability to take a bold stand for what we know is true, and express that to the world, the miracles are created. And the miracles are for all of us, if we will but choose them. And I choose them. I choose for my dream, my life, My Self to become my self. I choose to Know now that life is good, not in some dream, God, but in my waking hours. Not only in my head, but in my entire experience. I choose to be the good stuff, and I Know that I can do it, because I have seen it done already. I have seen the change already.
And every day I am waking up. And every day I am growing. I will not stop. My stubbornness is finally good for something. I will keep going and I thank you for this fortitude. I thank you and I thank you and I thank you again for all that is yet to come. Ameen.
Day 166
It’s An Every Day Thing
Good morning world!
It’s almost ten am, and I’ve got to start working, but I wanted to write a bit before I get the day on the road. I kind of want to get all philosophical this morning, but I kind of want to blab out of the mouth like a little kid and tell you what happened.
Let me tell you.
I saw Mr. Almost Famous yesterday!!! If you haven’t been reading my blog, then you probably don’t know who he is, so I’ll explain briefly. I met him about nine months ago, at the beginning of the time when I started making visible changes in my life. I was smitten by him immediately, but he was emotionally involved with someone and not interested in a romantic type thing with me. So we continued to be friends. Mostly phone friends, as he doesn’t live in my town. Anyway, fast forward. We don’t communicate that often, and he always traveling for work, etc, and it had been a few months since we’d been in touch. So a couple of days ago, after having a wonderful prayer and meditation at the park, he was on my mind. So I sent him a text telling him I missed him and wishing him well. This was early in the morning. I didn’t hear from him all day, so I figured he was either out of the country, or so involved with his girl or so famous now, that maybe he was done with our friendship. So later that evening, I get a text back from him saying that I have great timing and that he just landed in LA!!! I met him at my spiritual center the next morning… What can I say?
This is what I can say. All relationships are not equal. In his presence for just five minutes, I am lifted so high. He is so high. He is so good. He gives. I’m really sensitive and I can feel this kind of thing. He gives. With every word, every gesture, he pays attention, and he gives of himself from the very depths of him, not because he wants something from you, but because he gives. And he knows he has something to give, yet he’s so humble…
Can I say that I am blown away? I am blown away, God. Just like that you put me in the presence of a phenomenal man when I was needing to be reminded that they exist. And I understand what the preachers and teachers and philosophers say when they say that just by being yourself you can lift up the world. He does that…
I think he likes me, but I still don’t think he’s interested in me romantically. I am honored, though, that someone like him would find me worthy of his time. I know I sound like a big groupie, but that’s how I feel. He’s better than me. Or I guess I should say that he’s at a higher level of consciousness than me. And it’s not about money or fame, because I have known and been involved with men who have more money and more notoriety than him. It’s about how he lives his life, even when no one is watching. It’s about integrity and kindness and an authentic giving of oneself just for the sake of giving. He’s not mean, Lord, even when he can be. But he’s not a punk either. He’s the kind of guy that a woman like me could actually give her heart to and trust that it would be taken care of…
And that is the thought that kept me up all last night until 6 o clock this morning. The real possibility that there exists in this world the kind of man that a woman like me could trust her heart with. I have never met that kind of man. There was always something missing. Maybe they were successful, but just so mean. Or spiritual, but they looked down on others who they didn’t think qualified to be in their presence. Or maybe they really loved me, but I knew that they hadn’t even begun to come into themselves yet and maybe never would. Or they were hermits who didn’t participate in the world. Or busy men who were just so busy being busy.
I don’t think I’ve ever even seen with my two eyes, in person, the kind of man that I even thought I would be safe being me with. And this idea of safety, this idea of possibility, this idea that I could be loved by someone outside of me that I, too, would adore, is such a wonderful thought to have. Thank you, God. It doesn’t have to be Mr. Almost Famous. In fact, he has given me no indication of interest in that way, so it probably won’t be him. But I believe that my Love exists now. I felt it. Oh, it was such a little bit, just a thought of what it would be like to be Loved and I could revel in that thought all day. In fact, I just might. Because when I feel like it’s possible that I could be Loved, I clean my house a little faster. I do my work with more joy and excitement. I smile at people on the street and engage deeper with the ones in my inner circle. I don’t even get as annoyed with those in the world that would seek to destroy the good things, and I’m so forgiving.
The Love of my life is coming soon, isn’t he? My life is changing, isn’t it? You were right God. The seeds grow on their own if you plant them, and then cultivate the conditions for them to flourish. I have already done the planting, and now I am continuing to clean up my heart, and my mind and to practice being in alignment and practice doing the work I’m called to do and love people. Today is such a good, good day… Ameen.
Day 165
Cultivate The Conditions
This is my favorite thing…
Good morning. I’m feeling alive today and I’d like to participate in the world outside of my own. How are you? I am sending you the most heartfelt smile, whoever and wherever you are. Thank you for being a part of my life…
Today is a new day. Today is a new day. Today is a new day. I mean, it’s really a new day, and I have the option to participate in it without worry or fear. I really have that choice.
I had such a good prayer and meditation this morning and little miracles happened already. I don’t want to talk about them yet. I just want to let them settle into their correct places. I love you. You. Me. Laydie. I Love you. You haven’t heard that in a while. You haven’t felt it in a while, from someone who is strong enough to demonstrate what that really means.
Well, you are strong enough. You are strong enough, you hear? I know you don’t like that about yourself, you being so strong and a female at the same time, but your strength is your saving grace. And I love you for it. Do you understand? This is not a war anymore. It’s not you against the world. This is not about you being a victim to all that has happened anymore. This is not about you thinking that nobody else loves you, so you have to fight to love yourself. No. A lot of people love you. They really do. Maybe they don’t know about love like you do, because love is your thing, but they love you how they can.
But let’s not think about them for right now. This is between me and you. You and you. We’re not schizo. This is me, the part of you who knows what you need, talking to you, the part of you that is crawling out of the past into your true self. I am talking to you. So listen now.
You see, life can be a good thing. In fact, life is a good thing. You have spent a long time thinking that life was a bad thing, and life was a hard thing, and life was a lonely thing and not a fair thing. You have spent a long time thinking that you had to fight and scrape and cry and protect and repress and lie and struggle just to survive here, and that’s fine. That’s the path you have walked. But today, I’d like you to know something.
That time is over. Today. Not tomorrow. Not in some future or after you’ve done some thing. But today. Right now. That time is over if you will only but accept it. And yes, you will. Yes, you do. Let’s play. Relax for a moment and allow yourself to experience the thought of what it feels like to be ok. Just feel ok for a moment. No more silly dramas. None of this constant busyness for the sake of busyness. A life of purpose. You are already walking in that direction. I want you to recognize Laydie. You are already there. You are already you.
You have been getting stronger and stronger. You are beautiful and lovely. It’s only a matter of time before your outer world reflects all that you have been cultivating inside. So you keep cultivating the good stuff. You keep being honest with yourself and loving and giving in the ways that you can. You rest when you need your rest and you work when you are able to work. I will take care of you. You have to let me. Will you let me?
Yes.
I have ways that you can not even imagine. Trust me this time. Trust me. I Love you. I Love you. I Love You…
Day 164
Patience
hownottocryeveryday 