So, it’s 8:20 am. I’ve been out of the house since 7. I woke up at 6 today and actually got up, got dressed, and got out of the house. It feels good to be up and out this early! I’m at Starbucks, blogging first and then I have a day of work planned! Who would of thought I would be so excited about work? But I am. I’m actually excited about not being depressed or scared and being able to do things that could possibly move me forward…
So here’s to life! And forward movement! Here’s to getting off the bed even if you’re wobbly and can’t breathe! Here’s to trying, just trying, to keep yourself together, in the midst of everything falling apart! Here’s to today being a good day…
We get to choose it over and over and over, and I’m sorry I keep saying the same thing, but I say it for myself, because I know I have to choose a good day over and over. Just like riding a bike. You have to do it over and over and over until you know it to the point where you know you won’t forget it. I’m redefining myself, so I have to choose this way of being over and over and over, no matter what is happening or not happening in my outside life…
Today I’m ready to put out. Ha! I’m actually gonna give it up! Hahaha… Not in that way. I mean I’m going to put myself out into the world, like apply for stuff and submit stuff again. No one will ever know who you are or what you do if you don’t show them and tell them. So that’s my new commitment. Maybe that’s why I’m so excited. I realize there is a lot to do, but just like losing weight or saving money, if you just do a little bit at a time every single day, then one day you will get to your destination. So, I can commit to at least doing one on one on one every single day. One creative submission, one income generating application, and one hour of working on at least one my projects. This is just a minimum, but, having been a teacher, I know that you have to set realistic goals that your pupil can accomplish, that way they don’t get overwhelmed and think a task is too big. I know that I can do one on one on one without having a panic attack, and I can do those things even if I feel sick or weak and even if I get in a car accident or some dude breaks my heart or even if I have to go to some job I hate. It’s only three hours a day maximum, and I can commit to doing that no matter what is happening in the world.
So that’s it for today. Yay me! Yay everything… I’m thankful today. I guess you have to get really broken down to be thankful for a day where your mind is clear and thankful for a day where you’re excited about life and thankful for a day where you feel safe in the world and thankful for a day where you know that your life might be worth something after all. So, I’m even thankful for experiencing hopelessness and despair, because I can look in people’s eyes now and see when they’re not okay. And I can talk to folks. I can be a comforter because I know what’s up with all that stuff with go through. Not all of it, but I think the sadness and the bitterness and the confusion and the unhappiness with one’s life is the same, no matter where it comes from and we manifest it in different ways, but it’s the same look in the eyes… I can hang out with the hipsters now and see them for the strength that they have to have in order to be able to be themselves and the depth of understanding in their eyes… I am thankful for this day, God.
I am thankful for you reading and being here with me. I really am. I’m gonna make you proud…
Day 177
Out Put
Good morning World,
I’m running a little late today, so this entry won’t be so long. I spent the first night in my temporary new place last night. It was cool. I slept well. I’ve never lived in this part of town before, and it’s a very active part. I actually think it’s the perfect place I need to be right now, because right now is the time that I need to be active.
It’s funny, Elizabeth Gilbert said it in “Eat, Pray, Love”. Different places really do have different vibes. This place says, “Get up and Get out” (like get outside) and that’s really what I need to do at this point in my life. The people here are what you would call “hipsters”. Tight pants with boots, hats, piercings and tatoos. They read a lot of books and many of them come from educated families. They are artistically inclined and social activists of sorts. They use Dr. Bonner’s soap, but do drugs or whatever makes them feel good. It’s a different kind of world, but I like it for now. I got invited to a dinner with a bunch of folks that I already hit it off with. That’s at the end of the week, but before then, I think I’ll get some real work done.
I didn’t break down yesterday. My body doesn’t feel so bad. I got help moving in. This is a busy, metropolitan part of town, so the buses get going right before the crack of dawn and they woke me up right on time. Perhaps I am exactly where I need to be. Not in the ghetto in my old apartment where everyone seems broken and hopeless and not where I was the past couple of days where people are affluent, but passive. This get up and go place motivates me to get up, get out of the house and take some action.
Wow. I actually didn’t break down and run to whoever. I’m proud of myself. Thank you, God, for taking me through yesterday and helping me. I’m not alone, and that’s good to know. I just have to open my mouth and ask the people who care about me for help and let them help me. My brain works, and that’s good to know. I have a safe place to sleep and the motivation to get things done. I have a community of potential friends, just like that, and that’s good to know. This is actually becoming slightly exciting, and that’s good to know too. And maybe even my lack of a man at this juncture in my life is a good thing too, because I am learning that I don’t need a man to save me. I am learning the difference between allowing people to support you and making others feel like you are a burdensome obligation. It’s weird. People feel more inclined to help you when they know that you can help yourself. Go figure. The scholarships never go to the people who seem like they can’t live with out them, they go to the ones who seem like they are going to do something for themselves after they have been given a boost.
So thank you, God, for this day, for this reminder, for this realization, for this life. Thank you for all that has come and all that is yet to come. Today I set my intention again. I choose again. The same thing again. I choose to be happy and joyous. I choose peace of mind and harmonious relationships. I choose to express the ideas that are in me and share them with the world, if they are good for the world. I choose to be deeply connected with the Spirit that dwells in me and the Spirit that dwells in every living thing, and at the same, I choose to be safe from all that might harm me or deter me from my true path. Today I choose Love. Again. Again and again and again I choose Love. And I open my arms for Your support. I open my mind for Your guidance. I open my heart for Your Love and I allow my Spirit to receive Your inspiration.
Today I choose to follow directions and do the work I have been guided to do, and I allow it to be easy for me. I choose it to be easy. I dig deep and pull out and let go of everything that needs to be pulled out, everything that needs to be let go of, so that I may do the work that I am called to do, and I am sure that I am called to do this work, and so I do it. I do the work now. I’m choosing it. I know that You, Lord, will provide the way, and so I allow the way to be provided. I allow the work to be done. I allow my life to be my life. I make this prayer clear. I make this intention true. I allow it to come forth as my life and I focus. I can do that now…
Day 176
Focus
Good morning World,
I just got a text from my bank telling me about how much is in my account… Interesting…
I’m moving into a new place today. It’s just a temporary situation, until the end of the month, and then I’ll be able to go back to my apartment if I want to… I’m not sure if I want to, though. I’m not sure about much, y’all. My body is falling apart. My body is intertwined with everything else that happens in my life… Everything aches. Head, shoulders, stomach…
I have a friend who always teases me and says that I should be a motivational speaker or a preacher of sorts. Sometimes I give fake sermons when I’m talking to him. So yesterday, I was trying to give a fake sermon about what you do when you feel like you’re at your wit’s end. Or better yet, when you really are at your wits end. I couldn’t come up with an anything, though. Do you buckle down and focus and try to make a certain thing happen or do you let go of everything and let everything fall apart? God, You are telling me not to let everything fall apart. Instead, let everything come together. The answer is neither…
-At your wit’s end is just that: the end. But the end inevitably precedes the beginning. So let the end be the end and let the beginning be the beginning. Let your new life come together. Don’t quit this time, please. Don’t quit.
My friend told me that I am like a chicken finally coming out of it’s shell. I’ve come out and the new world seems scary and new and I have to use parts of me that I’ve never used before, so I’m trying to go back to the shell and piece it together, so I can be in a place that feels comforting and safe, but it won’t work. I’ve outgrown the shell, and even if I could piece it back together, I know what sunlight feels like, even a glimpse of it, and I would never be satisfied sitting in the dark again.
This is a challenging time for me, God. I know that I’m in the midst of the crossing and the other side is near. I know that I can’t really turn back and go back to my old life and run to my momma or some man to save me. I’m feeling tired, though, and weak, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it and I just want to go to sleep somewhere and not worry about my broken car or my low bank account or selling any writing or finishing any projects. I don’t want to have to date these usurious guys anymore in the search for a mate. I just feel like quitting and saying, “Oh well. I tried.” I can do other things. I can have a mediocre life, a different car, an okay man. I can go read poems at poetry spots instead of trying to sell books and movies and songs. Those things are much easier to do and I know I can do them instead of this hard sh*t… What do I tell them about this time? What do I tell myself?
-You tell them, you tell yourself, to stop fooling themselves. Stop lying. Once you know who you are, you will never be satisfied with being who you are not. We are going to make a choice right now. Are you going all the way or not?
I’m scared.
-Choose. Now. There is nothing I can do for you if you don’t make a choice.
I want to keep going, but I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I don’t want to be hungry and poor. I don’t want my body to be breaking down all the time.
-That’s good. Now choose again. This time, Let’s speak about what you would like, because this choice is what will create the next part. You have to trust Me. You have to know that every little choice you make has power, and so you tell them that when they are at their wit’s end, it is time to make a real choice. Don’t say that you don’t know what you want because you do know. You may not believe that what you want is possible for you. You may be afraid of the suffering that you think will come if you go for what you want, but you know what you would really like to happen, and so We start with the truth in choosing, and We say: “God, I really would like to be a writer with many works out in the world, and I really would like to always have more than enough money for me to live the lifestyle that I like, and I really would like to have a wonderful man that’s good to me, etc, and I really would like to be a part of community of people with high ideals. I really would like all of that stuff for my life. I really would like to help people in many ways, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do all those things. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid that it will be too hard. I’m afraid that I will have to suffer too much and I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I’m afraid that if I fall apart this time, I will be broken for good.”
-That’s the truth, and from that truth, We can start to make a real choice that transcends your fears. So, are you choosing to go on?
(reluctantly) Yes.
-No, that will not do. Sit still until you choose to go on for real.
…. OK. Yes, I am choosing to go on.
-Good. Do you feel the power coming back in your bones already?
Yes.
-Good. Now, make an intention for how you would like it to be. Easy this time, right? You do realize that your mind has been stuck on struggling for a long time, right? I am glad you are choosing easy now.
I’m choosing easy.
-And what else?
I’m choosing joy again, even now. I’m choosing for this to be an easy, joyous adventure. Can I do that, God? Even with my bank account looking like it does?
-Yes you can. You can. You can trust. They’ll call you crazy. It’s ok. What are your alternatives? Feel sad and get all sick? Trust Me. Choose first so I can have something to work with, and then trust Me, and be glad because you are becoming the heroine for real. And what type of heroine would you like to be?
Happy, joyous, strong, healthy, powerful, loving, gracious, having everything I need to complete my mission always and then some.
-There you go! And so it is.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 175
At Your Wit’s End
Good morning. It’s almost 7 am and I’m sitting my car. Someone ran into it yesterday and ruined one of the tires and gave it a couple of dents, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’m sitting in my car because my car is one of my favorite things, a sign that anything is possible….
Yesterday, just before the car accident, I went to a bakery to buy one my favorite foods, a pumpkin muffie. The cashier was smiling at me and asked how my day was and I asked him about his. Then he said, “You seem so happy. What’s good in your life?” I almost asked, “Who, me?”, but instead I took the compliment and said, “I’m just glad to be here.”
And I am. I’m glad to be here today. The good things in my life aren’t at the top of my mind, but if I look for them, I’m sure I can find them: spending the night with my sweet little sister the other day, someone giving me a new Iphone and me actually liking it, that cashier’s eyes yesterday, a bottle of spring water, thoughts of my funny niece and nephews… What’s also good is the peace of mind that is becoming me in spite of everything that is and isn’t happening. That guy said I looked happy. I didn’t want to tell him that my car was loaded with my stuff because I didn’t know where I was gonna live for a while. It didn’t even matter, because the truth was, I was happy.
I am happy. Maybe happy is not the right word, but my mind feels peaceful and steady and stable. I don’t have the urge to run away somewhere like I would in the past. I’m not interested in the flattery or companionship of random men like I have been before when things were challenging. I’m not even looking for a hero to save me from this. Nope. Sure, a hero can come, but I’m also open to being the hero this time. I can do it. I know this now. I accept that I’m really strong, and this is the time to actually show it.
Because homeless, manless, broken car, uncertain everything’s, and whatever else, I’m still gonna keep going. Yep. That just it. I’m still choosing to be happy and peaceful and kind and open and loving. I’m still choosing to get my work done, in spite of whatever distractions I might create for my self and whatever distractions may come my way. I’m still choosing to trust in the Truth that I can’t always see. I’m still choosing the path of magic and miracles and dreams come true. I’m still choosing the good stuff…
And I’m choosing to be strong today. I’ve hated being strong for so long. Do you know what made me start hating being strong? When I was little my first love cheated on me. He was in the army and he went abroad and married this other lady and didn’t tell me about it. We had a long distance relationships and we would write each other letters (before internet became popular) and talk on the phone and he never bothered to tell me, “Oh, by the way, I married someone.” The other lady was older than me and she knew about me, but I didn’t know about her. And then when my first love came back to the states, he told me everything and had the nerve to say he still wanted to be together. Somewhere in our conversation, he said that he wanted to be instead of her because I was stronger than her and I could deal with him. But she was the one who’s bills he paid. She was the one he married. She was the one he took care of . This is when I started hating the word strong. And then in my other personal relationships, I found that people associated the word strong with meaning that you could put up with their sh*t and that you would always be the supporter and the hero, but never the supported or the saved. I hated being strong, because to me, strong meant lonely, and used, and never considered and never taken care of. Strong meant that people depended on you but they never loved you. In my lack of understanding, I divorced strong and threw it off a cliff to die. But then I became weak and that didn’t seem to be working for me either.
So today, I’d like to be strong again, but I’d like to redefine it. Not that lonely, use me, never support me, me against the world, frowned face, puffed up shoulders sh*t. Nope. That can stay at the bottom of the cliff. In fact, that can disintegrate into thin air and then be cleaned out by the rain and drained into a black hole in the center of the Earth as far as I’m concerned.
I’d like to be nice strong now. Happy strong. Good strong. Supported strong. Mother Teresa with a smile on her face strong. Buddha with a big happy belly strong. I am choosing graceful strong. Open strong and Oh, my God, I am choosing a strong that involves loving and being loved. Yes, I am choosing to be strong and experience loving reciprocity. It’s not an oxymoron anymore. I know that it is possible to be strong and still be supported and cared for. I know that it’s possible to be strong and still be happy, and that’s what I’m choosing now.
I don’t know if the devil is after me or if I have bad karma or if this is just resistance that’s going on with my recent life circumstances… Maybe it’s my old life falling away or maybe these are just random events in the life of one person. It doesn’t really matter to me now, the explanations or the reasons why that we try to give to every event. I’m not worried about the “why” right now. I’m concerned with the “what”, meaning, I’m concerned with what I personally am choosing and doing for myself. I can’t control the outside world and I can’t control what other people are choosing. But I can choose a tone for my own life and if I choose a tone and live by it, then I can say that I lived with integrity and I did my best while I’m here, and that’s what I would like to say when it’s all said and done. So here we go. God, it’s a perfect day to get up and be alive. It’s a wonderful day to be strong enough to choose happy. Thank you so much…
Day 174
Redefining Strong
My brain is going all over the place. Lord, I need some stability. I can’t get anything done if I’m not stable…
God, I moved out of my apartment today and I feel like I made I mistake. You say no I didn’t, but I feel like I did. The place I was going to move into didn’t come through, and now I’m going to have to crash at friends and family until I can find another place. Is this just another distraction I created for myself, God? You say no, but I don’t understand, because all my stuff is in my car and I’m not at peace in my mind…
You say find some peace and I’m trying, but it’s not coming because I’m scared and I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of all this instability. I keep coming so close and then everything falls apart. Everything is not falling apart, You say, but it feels that way.
It feels that way when I don’t have a place to stay or a good source of income and when all the men who approach me these days just want to get in my pants before they even know my last name. How do I cross over, God? I don’t like these crossroads.
-You are crossing.
But I can’t see it.
-You are crossing.
But I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like nothing is working and I thought You said that if I really tried and if I was really sincere about things then you would make things work for me and help me to do what I thought I was called to do.
-You are in the midst of the crossing, and that is why you are falling apart and falling into your new self. The dust will settle. Settle now. In the midst of the crossing, find the place where faith lives. Find the place where you believe that this can be easy. That this is easy. Please do not turn back now. You have come so far. Peace of mind is in you. Yes, your life is falling apart. Thank God! You didn’t want that life and that life no longer suits the woman you are evolving into. So of course you will fall apart. It isn’t falling apart. It’s growth.
-This is how you renew your faith. You come back. You pull away. You remember that there are possibilities beyond your present perception and you lean into them. Let’s do it now. Yes, I know you want to stay sad and despairing, but let’s look at your greater desire. To be happy. To be fulfilled. Will you let Me help you right now? In the midst of your doubts? This is where the magic happens. Right now.
OK.
-Take a look at yourself from outside of yourself. Just for a moment, lean into the possibility of your life. You had it the other day. Why do you think everyone else believes in you? Why do you think everyone counts on you? Because they know what you can not see about yourself. You can do it. You can be it. You are already doing it and being it. Lean in… Lay your worries to the side. Let your pride and ego rest. Give the doubts a break and try, Laydie. Try to live as if you actually thought you were moving towards something good, because you are. This is your comfort, but it is not from Me, it is from you from Me. Do you get it? Try to let go of your fears. Try to believe. Try to trust. Just try. You will find that in this action, the easiness comes. Your baby sis wants to take care of you. Let her. If you want people to take care of you, you have to let them…
Wow… I just got a text from a friend going out of town tomorrow who says I can stay at his place while he’s gone. Wow. OK.
-That’s a little miracle, Laydie. I can do so much more if you will only but allow it. You have to let them Love you, you see? Let somebody Love you…
Day 173
Let Somebody Love You
Okay, this is my third attempt at blogging tonight. First I talked about the events of my day, then I wrote a letter to the image of my ideal man, and now… Well, I don’t really know where this is going, but I’m compelled to write, so I’ll just let it flow, because tonight feels a bit exceptional…
So what should I say, God? You say, say nothing. Listen. And Follow Directions. No elaboration necessary… Hmm… OK. What a world. 🙂
Day 172
Follow Directions
Good morning world/God/me,
It’s 6:11 and the sun hasn’t come out yet. I’ve been up for a while posting resumes and sorting out my finances and housing situation.
My mood is kind of low. A little tired of things not working out yet. Not discouraged, just tired. I want it to be easier, God. I did an inventory of my life the other day and discovered that not much of it going the way I had imagined it to be right now. I had to scan everything and see if my life had ever gone the way I had imagined and I found a time when it had! Before I came to LA. I was actually successful, with enough money, and a place of my own, doing the exact job I wanted to do and being surrounded by people that I loved to be around. I was in a dance group and doing stuff in the community… What happened?
I tried to locate the exact moment when things fell apart for me, and I could see that it was a gradual breakdown. Like if you get in a car accident and years later you have chronic back pain. Step one was when I came to LA. I was in grad school and it was really challenging and I had to work hard and a lot to keep up. In the meantime, an major investment I had made back home was going sour. I didn’t have the time or energy to go to school and take care of the investment, so I let the investment fail. It was the first time in my life that I had failed at anything, and I was in my upper twenties by then. I’m just realizing now that it was traumatizing. That was my initiation to failure.
I have had some minor successes since then, but I don’t think I’ve gotten to the point of flourishing consistently since I’ve been in this town. Granted, my career changed and I decided to try and get into a field that is much more competitive than what I used to do, and granted, my family is not here, but I don’t think those are the reasons why I haven’t seen the success I would like. I think it’s me. Something broke in me. I stopped believing in myself. I started getting scared. I never used to be scared before I did stuff. The possibility that I could fail never even occurred to me before it actually happened to me, and that fear is a crippling, debilitating disease. It is like a monster in your brain devouring all faith and stunting all progress…
God, I am ready to bid the monster goodbye now. I don’t even have to slay it or anything. I just want to do like the little girl did on “Beasts of the Southern Wild”. I want to look it in the eye and tell it to leave. Because this is not who I am. I am not a failure. I’m just not. And this will no longer do. This scraping and begging and barely getting by, these ridiculous relationships with foundations of usury and manipulation, this keeping my love in a bottle, this gnawing fear, these incomplete projects and unexpressed potential will no longer do. It’s unacceptable as my life now. I’ve really had enough of it, and I’m talking to myself because it’s no one else’s fault. I can blame the men or my parents or my gender or race or society or my age or whatever, but the truth of the matter is, this life in these fingers that type these words is mine. It’s mine.
And God, I haven’t been listening. Not all the way. You’ve already told me what I need to do, but I have done it. Not all the way. I’ve been afraid. Please forgive me. I’m just getting to know you and I’ve been scared to listen to you because in the past when I was successful, I had just listened to myself and that’s how I got things done. I don’t think I really ever thought about whether or not I was happy or whatever, but now everything is different, and even my past life before Cali won’t do anymore.
I have a calling on my life. People used to tell me that when I was younger. Random strangers would walk up to me and prophesize about my life, and they still do, and I just thought they were weird and crazy, but maybe they weren’t. The other day, I was walking down the street in this ghetto and I passed by a pretty teenage girl. She was just minding her business. A petite thing with a huge backpack. We were walking in opposite directions and I saw her coming from a distance and I thought, “how pretty”. What was interesting was what happened when she passed me back. It was like a wave came over me, like I had just walked into something beautiful in the middle of this ghetto. It was the energy she was radiating. So peaceful… And I thought, what a beautiful thing. Am I like that? Because if I can do that, if I can walk in the middle of the ghetto and make someone remember that life is good just by walking by, then I think my life would be well lived, and I think that that is what I am becoming and that is who I am, but I’d like my outside life to reflect that now, God.
Umm hmm. I am making requests. I am opening up. Because I can’t do this life thing without you any more. I don’t want to. I have experienced the bad stuff and I get it. I don’t judge people anymore. I understand. Life can break a person down before they even realize what’s happening. I get it. It happened to me. And now I don’t even get mad at the guys who hurt me. It happened to them too. Something broke them and they don’t even realize it. And I can pray for them now. I can pray for myself. That we get it together.
Lord, help us. Open our hearts and minds so that we may know that all of this bad stuff isn’t necessary. Help us. We accept. I accept. Your Help and your guidance. I will follow. I allow the healing to take place. I see where the damage was done and I let it go. And I realize that pain and failure are possibilities in life, but success and ease are still possibilities as well. I choose them now. Today. I choose success and ease. I choose for life to be easy now. Like the Mulan song, I choose for my reflection to show who I really am inside. I choose life, Allah. I choose to thrive now instead of just getting by. And I choose forgiveness and compassion for all that have crossed my path, and I open myself to receiving forgiveness and compassion as well. I set this prayer free as my life. I am not ashamed anymore. This is who I am, and this is who I have been. I am okay with myself. Finally. Finally…
Day 171
Success
It’s 4 am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I was on the phone for almost four hours with a new guy that I met almost immediately after I posted my last blog…
I had left the Writer’s Guild library and decided to go the park before I continued on with my day. I wanted to sit out in nature and meditate a bit before I made a call I had to make, and I ran into this sweaty guy who was running around the track.
God, You cease to amaze me. How are you just gonna answer my prayers that quick??? I’m not gonna jump the gun and fantasize about him or create something that’s not concrete yet, but can I just say that this is the first time since I’ve been in Los Angeles that I have met an eligible bachelor who is completely ready and available to start a real relationship with someone today? This is the first time in a long time…
And I see the difference. All of the men I have met in the past have either lived in some far away place or they’ve been in the midst of getting over some woman that still had their heart, or they were physically caught up with someone(s) else, or too busy with work to think about relationships or scared to give their heart or whatever. Unavailable. But I actually met a single man who has a stable life, isn’t currently screwing anyone, hasn’t been emotionally attached to anyone for over a year, lives on his own, has an income, is age appropriate, has no kids, doesn’t smoke or drink, prays every day, thinks quirky women who look like me are the hottest thing on the planet, and he’s cute? And he’s interested in me? And he only dates one person at a time??? Wow…
I see why you give things in increments, God. I can’t even sleep at the thought that I have met one of these elusive characters: the available man. This is new to me.
Prayers get answered. Prayers get answered. It is all happening so fast. I am closing my eyes so that I can see clear, and You say say Yes again. And I say Yes and I’m trying not be scared. Moving forward would mean letting go of all of my other fantasies. It would mean I can no longer wait for the day Mr. Almost Famous finally realizes that he’s in love with me… It would mean that I can’t keep hoping in the deep deep corners of my mind that Dream Lover will reappear one day. It would mean that I have to accept that Mr. Colorado just lives in Colorado but he’ll never live with me again. It would mean that I would have to let the past go. Like, for real. Because I see that you are brining me a good thing. The present. The future. It’s different than what I thought it would be. It’s not a fantasy. It’s actually real.
I am afraid that I will fail, God. That I won’t be able to sustain the real. But I am willing to be strong. You said all I had to do is be willing, and so I am willing to be strong enough to accept good things for real, not just in my head. I am willing to use my strength in a good way now. I am willing to give it up. Yes. Now, today and ever more. Everything. I am willing to give up everything if it means that I will be able to taste the life that is scratching at my soul. The apartment, my perceptions of myself and the world, everything. I’m willing to be wrong about everything, and I’m even willing to be right.
I’m willing to make the trade. Fantasy for reality. Dreams for dreams coming true. Sad for happy. Past for present. Help me, God, to hold this space, please. Help me to not be afraid of a good life anymore, to not worry about how things will end up. Help me to really be happy. Help me to live my destiny. I really want it. With all of me. And I’m willing to accept it. Help me to be a good person, please. I am praying to You tonight. I am praying like my life depends on it, because I know it does. And it is not me doing the magic. I know. But I know I have to be willing to accept miracles and I am more than willing to accept the good things that even my brain denies.
So brain, you and I are going to have a talk right now. This is it. We have a good life now. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Our life is a good life. We are going to take a bath and wash you out so that you can be clear enough to accept all this new good stuff that is rushing towards us. We are going to sustain this good life. Nope. I don’t want to hear about the past. It’s over. It’s done. The pain is gone. You don’t believe me? Look. Our back doesn’t even hurt any more. It’s done. Relax the borough in our forehead. Relax our mind for a second. Relax. I am going to clean you over with truth, in all your achy places. Brain wash for real… Relax. I am going to bless you with hope and even that other elusive word: Love. Relax. You are safe now. You are smart now. I Love You. Relax. We have tapped into our one and Only protector and He is well pleased with us. Good job. Relax. Now you may live. Now you may live…
Day 170
Relax
These past few days have been pretty different than usual. Movement is in the air.
One of my sister’s pressured me to hurry up and organize this “heal the world” venture that I have been speaking of for some time, and before I knew it, I was preparing a proposal for “Project Rebuild” and on a conference call with the village chief of the particular country that I would like to work in… Wow. It’s actually happening.
I have to slow down and catch up. Breathe a little. Things are changing and I know this feeling. I know what change feels like. This is crazy.
So, I”m sitting in the Writer’s Guild library today. I was supposed to start work on a new project today, but I’m too excited. I can’t tell you yet, but one of my other projects actually moved today. That’s film talk, but by “moved” I mean moved forward to another stage of development, like maybe someone called you, or you had a meeting, or you’re talking about contracts, or anything that means the prospects for completion are more likely.
So things are moving. I had to sit real still today and pray like I’ve never prayed before, because things are moving and they have moved before and I wasn’t ready or able or I thought it was too good to be true and messed it all up, and this time, I would like to be able to accept the realization, the fulfillment, Allah, of my dreams coming true.
My dream life is becoming my real life and it’s just happening so fast. You say no it’s not. It’s been a long time coming. I guess it happens like that. It’s a long time coming, but literally, things actually change in one day. Just yesterday, I was crying over dudes and today I can feel the life coursing through my veins… I can feel the life coursing through my veins, y’all. Do you know what that feels like?
I want to share a bit. It feels like water. Pure and easy. It looks like my dad’s big, bold, smile, and it sounds like my mother’s sweet, loving songs. It feels like everything is gonna be all right… I don’t know much, but I know what I know, and today, I know that everything is gonna be all right. I actually know it is. It just is. You don’t believe me, and that’s ok, because I know that my life does not depend on you believing me, it depends on me believing me.
When I leave here, I am going to make a phone call, and after I make that phone call, I am going to go and bless my baby sis with some water and sugar like she likes. I am going to reach out and find someone to go to my spiritual center with me tonight, and then I’m going to go home, put some ads on line, and start packing up my apartment.
God, I don’t know where I’m going, but I am following Your lead, all the way this time. You are my guide, you are my way. I allow all the fear and all the doubt that I have ever experienced to be transmuted and obliterated in this moment. I replace it with faith. I trust. I lean onto The One who created me and The One who created all existence. I declare, I announce and I allow my Life to be a good life. “My Life is a good life… My way is a good way.” Ameen.
Day 169
Move
Not quite sure where this one is going, so I’ll just write and see where I end up…
Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I’ve had in a long time. Disappointment is never easy, especially if you’ve given your all. It makes you question the meaning of things. How could I could love so hard, and my love not be returned? How could you give your all to a particular project and it not turn out successful? Where is the rhyme or reason in this?….
I just got interrupted by a phone call. Yesterday, I met this older guy as I was having lunch. I mean older, older, like old enough to be my grandfather. Long story short, he asked for my contact information and I gave it to him. I didn’t save his number in my phone, so he just called and it was a strange number, so I answered it… Hmm. Do you know he immediately began speaking to me about disappointment and manifesting one’s heart’s desires? Hmmm…
He said that for any given situation, there is positive and negative energy surrounding whatever you want. So let’s say you say you want to make $1000 dollars by the end of the week. Well, there’s the part of you that wants to do that and thinks you can, and then there’s the part of you that thinks that you’re too dumb or too irresponsible or too whatever to actually make that happen. Whichever part is stronger will control the manifestation and that is what will come forth. I’m not sure if I buy into this, but it seems to be true in my life, as I look back at my successes…
I asked my new friend, “So, how does one cope with disappointment? What do you do when you know that you want a loving relationship, but there is something in you that really doesn’t think you can have it?”. He said, “You get stronger. You look at all your so-called disappointments as opportunities for growth, and then you grow some more. When you have reached the level where your positive energy is stronger than your negative, the evidence will be in the manifestation of your heart’s deepest desires”….
What a perfect conversation. Right on time. I’m not sure how much truth is in his words, but they were the right words at the right time. I am willing to grow some more and rise above my fears. I am willing to open up some more and not be afraid when things don’t go as I planned. I’m willing to trust you, God, and do all the work you asked me to do without knowing where it will lead. I’m actually willing to stick this thing out until I see results. I am willing to grow and get stronger. Strong is no longer a bad word for me, because I am going to combine it with gentle and sensitive and respect all those aspects of myself. I am strong, and I am gentle, and I am sensitive.
What if I could grow and get stronger and it could be easy instead of hard? I’m going to try that out. You know, when you think of a strong woman, you always have this image of someone with a frown on their face, who is all alone doing things by themselves and raising kids without a man, etc. That’s not the kind of strong I want to be. I’d like to be strong like this graceful woman I saw on the “Bachelor” once, lol. She was one of the last two women left to marry the bachelor, and she didn’t get picked. Throughout the whole season, she was gentle, and kind and graceful and so strong, and when he didn’t pick her, she cried, but she had a smile on her face, and she blessed him and accepted his decision and she meant it. You could tell that she was strong enough to accept his decision and be happy anyway. That is the kind of strong I would like to be, God.
Actually, that is the kind of strong that I am choosing to be, and there is a level of faith involved in that kind of strength, because at the root of that, there must be two root ideas. One, you must believe that what is best for you is not always what you think is best for you, and two, you must believe that you will have your hearts deepest desires even if it doesn’t come from that situation, so that when you don’t get what you think you want from someone else right when you want it, you can let that go, and respect another person’s decision to live life as they please. Perhaps at the level of consciousness that you are at, you would not have been able to sustain a good thing. Perhaps you need to be alone a bit more so that you may develop the patience that is necessary to maintain a loving relationship. Maybe if if you had accepted whatever job, then you wouldn’t be free to work on that book deal that is actually inching it’s way towards you right now. Perhaps the perfect man for you is waiting right at the next restaurant you will go to…
In the midst of all our disappointments, after we have cried, we can stop blaming other people now, for doing what they want to do, and we can look for the ways that we might need to grow and learn and adjust and open and receive so that our lives can actually reflect our true heart’s desires. I am willing to do this…
Thank you, God, for this blessing, for this lesson. Thank you for my smile today. I don’t have to be sad for a long time any more when things don’t go my way. Thank you for helping me to know this. I can be strong and open and happy. I actually believe it, and I’m gonna keep praying and working and doing what you say until it becomes my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Day 168
Grow Some More
