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Day 157 – Listen

August 9, 2012

I have a friend who has been suicidal half of his life… His probably the smartest, most kind, loving and talented human being that I know, and he’s brave as well. But on the outside, people think he’s lazy because he hasn’t accomplished much as far as material success and sometimes he has a hard time finding the energy to do anything on any given day. I know he’s not lazy. I know he’s strong. I can’t imagine what he goes through in his mind, but I have seen him at his best from time to time and I know he’s brilliant….

He is on my mind, tonight, or this morning, I should say. Five am. I can’t sleep. I know I’m sleepy, but my mind won’t stop.  It won’t stop, Lord. I reached another crossroads, just like that, and all of a sudden things don’t make sense again… Nothing really big even happened. I just woke up this morning after spending the night at my sister’s house, and went outside to meditate. On her part of town there is green grass and fresh air. People are affluent and doing things they want to do with their lives. I sat down and meditated and prayed and something happened. I don’t even know what it was. I just got lost in my meditation. Just for a moment, I could feel everything. I understood everything and nothing worried me. It was such a brief moment God. I know it couldn’t have lasted more than fifteen minutes human time, but it felt so real…

And then I came back to Earth and back to my life. My apartment was really hot today and my new roommates were being passive aggressive with their complaints about the heat. I spent most of the day doing nothing worth talking about and then this evening I helped my sister buy some new clothes and then went to my spiritual center and then took a Zumba class that rattled my body all around. I’m losing weight really fast. That happens when I’m in Cali. I had a thick, healthy body for a while, and I guess I like my figure that way, but physical movement makes me feel better and if I don’t exercise, I’ll get thick and thick and then fat…

I’m just rambling, avoiding what I’m feeling. I don’t want to tell people. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling really lost, God. Things aren’t making sense anymore. This world isn’t making sense. This ghetto neighborhood fifteen minutes away from the beautiful hills with the rich kids and clean air isn’t making sense to me. My brilliant friend who wants to slit his wrists every other day and the loss of Dream Lover just isn’t registering in my logic brain. My life, I mean the outward expression of my life given who I am on the inside, just doesn’t add up…

And we pray, and we work and we go mingle and we try and marry people and do things that represent success, but then I come home and for the life of me, I can’t figure out the point of it all. The right side of my lower body really hurts tonight and it’s been hurting for some time. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve done yoga, gone to chiropractors and doctors, done acupuncture, prayed and done affirmations, but the pain is still there. And it wasn’t always there. I wasn’t born with it. So what happened, God? Why can’t I fix it? Why can’t I fix my life? Why can’t it be the way I think it should be? I’m so frustrated. I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t see the point of it anymore.

Please help me. Most people don’t impress me anymore…. The sun is coming up already. Help me, Allah, please. I want my life to change, but I don’t know how to make it change. Help me, please. I’ve really been trying and I don’t want to stop believing in You. I don’t want to be bitter. I know You are real, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to pray. I don’t know which job to look for or where to live. I just don’t know any more, God. I just don’t know anymore. Nothing means anything to me…

I just wanted to love someone, but that didn’t work out, and I don’t even know why it didn’t work out. I don’t even know what I could do differently to have a love that lasts… sigh… I’m at my wits end, Lord, and I don’t care who knows. I don’t care who talks about me anymore. I need your help, Lord, and I am petitioning You. Yes, You. You said You were on my side. You said You were on all of our sides. We don’t know what to do. Help us. You said that all of our needs are met, but we live in a world where people are born poor and hungry and they spend the greater part of their lives just in reaction to that state of being. How can You tell someone to believe that all of their needs are met when they are hungry? It sounds good, but it’s really hard to believe when one’s physical reality does not reflect that.

So, I’m listening, God. Guide. Me. Please… You are not talking to me this morning. Because I said what I thought? Is this why all the guys leave? Do I just need to shut up? Yes, You say. Shut up and listen. I have heard your cries. I have heard them all. I will not forsake you… Do not forsake yourself. Hush now, and listen. There is comfort here. Oh, my Dear, I know it is not easy for you with a heart so big in this world. Do not give up this time, please. This is the last test. Listen. Listen… You have come so far. Cross over with me, now. Give up the need to understand everything before you experience it. Some things you will never understand. But know that I am God. I am with you. I have never left you. You will make it to the place that you call good. You will make it to places you never imagined and this day will be your testimony. Listen, now, and be blessed…

Day 157

Listen

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