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Day 155 – The Good Stuff

August 5, 2012

In Starbucks, listening to UB40 say that “Wise men say only fools rush in”…. Think I’m about ready to write my song now.

This is the last chapter of this blog. I like this blogging thing and I know how to do it better now, so I’ll start a new blog when I’m done with this one. For, now, though, the tone of my life is changing from a reactive to a creative space, and How Not To Cry Every Day doesn’t work anymore.

I knew I would forget, and I’m glad I have forgotten. I still know about sadness and depression. I spent this past week getting reacquainted with my bed and trying to figure out how I’m going to do this new Cali life thing without Dream Lover, after experiencing how good life could be with him. And it’s not easy… But it only took a week to get off the bed this time, instead of seven months. Somewhere in me, I know that my story has a really sweet ending, and I’m open to the good part now.

I hope he comes back. I really do, God, or I hope someone else comes sooner than later… I really Loved loving someone. But crying every day just doesn’t seem so appealing anymore. Hanging out with people I don’t like doesn’t really sound good either. Lying or pretending or just being plain sorry because I’m used to it doesn’t quite work for me any more, either. I’m bored with the redundant sadness, so I’ve run out of options.

There’s nothing left to do but the good stuff. I went back and hung out with all of my Cali friends this past week and spent time with some of my family, and I realized that none of them are going to save me from anything. They are all busy dealing with their own issues in their own ways…

So I went home to my bed. I cried a little bit. Maybe a lot. It’s all relative. And then I stopped. I looked to You, God. You came in the night and spoke to me in images and feelings. Words I could not comprehend, but I understood, somewhere. I’m still trying to get the words to say what I know, but sometimes things are more clear in other ways. That’s my job, as a writer, to bring the words to the things we don’t know how to articulate.

So, let me try to bring the words… The good stuff is you. Nobody’s gonna give it to you. You’ve gotta bring it out of you. Everyone has it in them. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been or what you haven’t done. The good stuff is you.

That’s what you told me, God. I felt you. You told me that the good stuff is me. It doesn’t matter if the person I wanted to go to the beach with today is caught up in his own drama or it doesn’t matter if Dream Lover disappears and never comes back. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a friend in the world or if I’m surrounded by people I Love. I am the good stuff. You are the good stuff.

We don’t always understand and we spend a lot of time running, trying to do thing and get things so that we will feel good. So that someone will be proud, so we can say, “Look at me! I did a good thing. Will you tell me good job, now? Will you tell me you love me, now? Will you say I am important???” We spend a lot of time hiding, so that someone won’t hurt us or whatever…

But you can’t hide from your thoughts. You can blast the radio up as loud as you want and keep yourself as busy as possible. it doesn’t matter what you do or where you go. It will never be enough until you are okay with yourself right where you are.  Just as you are. Sad and everything. Poor and everything. Lonely, unfulfilled, confused, whatever the case may be. It’s a part of it, you know. It’s a part of a life. Life is not just about the roses… I know this now. You told it to me in my dreams, God. I felt it in my spirit… You are so good to me.

I want to say it right, though, so that it makes sense to my mind and my spirit. So that I can remember it when I start getting down on myself because I don’t have this, that and the other. Because I still want this, that and the other, you know? But more than that, more than anything, I’d like to be good on the inside. Sleep in peace for real with nothing left to say. With a clean heart. Satisfied with what I have done for this day with this life you have given me… I recognize that that place, “over there” is an illusion. That thing that you are supposed to get before you can be happy and all right is a lie. You’ve got to start with the happy. You’ve got to be able to look yourself in the eye with all of your cuts and bruises and all of things you think you don’t have, and you’ve got to be able to say, “Even now, I’m all right. Even now, I am worthy to be blessed. Even now, I’m a good thing”…

So this part of my life is about the good stuff, and I don’t mean the good stuff like a book sale or a marriage or whatever looks like the good stuff on the outside. That will come, Insha’ Allah, and I’ll tell you about it, but that’s not the good stuff I’m talking about. I’m talking about the real good stuff, which is all the stuff. This part is about surrendering to all of the good stuff that is within me, God, and accepting all of the stuff that it took for me to get to this point, calling myself and my life good and very good, and allowing You to bring me out of myself at last.


Day 155

The Good Stuff

From → The Good Stuff

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