Back in my Cali apartment…
I’m actually all right with being here. I’m proud of myself. My apartment doesn’t feel sad. It feels clean and fresh and open. That’s a big change for me.
I saw my sis and her husband yesterday. I don’t want to talk about them or any of that, though. I want to talk about something I just realized as I was meditating this morning. Life starts on the inside…
This morning, I realized that, among other things, I am strong. I have been avoiding being strong for quite some time, because I associated being strong with people being mean to me and always having too much responsibility and people taking me for granted. And I had discovered that when you are weak, people have lower expectations for you. So, I had been pretending that I am weak for some time.
But this morning, as I was meditating on the truth, I recognized that I’m not weak. I’m strong. And that’s just it…
I feel like I have a lot to offer this morning, but it’s not coming out right. This is my second time writing this blog, and I’m going to try again, intentional and deliberate this time.
Can I do that, God? Can I be intentional and deliberate and still be free flowing? Great. I meditated this morning and I found the place where you speak in me and You are still very present, and so I asking to please speak through my fingers and make this inspiration that I am feeling clear to me and others…
But you are not talking, and You say that You do not talk. I talk. You provide the inspiration and then I set the intention. I love when we can dialogye like this, God.
Can i lay my worries down for a bit and talk about important things? Can I plug into the truth of the universe and flow with it? I am feeling playful and alive and I don’t know how on Earth I am feeling this way given my current situation, but I’m gonna flow with.
Today, I am going to pretend that anything is possible. I’ll take off the victim hat now. I think I’d like to experience some peace, harmony, love, and abundance now. You say I set the intention, right? So let’s do this. Let’s practice faith. What else are we gonna do? Cry about everything.
No more of that. Let’s practice faith even if we are crying, because really, we can’t control the things we can’t control. I taught yoga to young children for a brief period of time and I remember I taught them this song “My mind’s made up with everything thought. To do the best I can with what I’ve got!”
I’m gonna do that today. Now you know this is just talk God. Can you help me please so that I can move from talk to action? Things in me and things in the world scare me sometimes and I want to retreat to my bed and my room. Can you help me so that when I get scared, I can still remember that anything is possible or I can at least pretend that I believe that and figure out a course of action from that foundation?
I’m back in Cali and from where I am, I have to build a life. I see the gift in this now, the gift in having to start from zero. If you can start from zero and build the kind of life you want for yourself, then you become able to walk with confidence in any situation. This is where faith comes from. This is where spiritual strength comes from. This is the good stuff, so thank you, God, for this good stuff that I am learning.
The sun is already up and the day is buzzing. My intention today is to take at least one step in the direction of: peace, harmony, abundance, and love, and I already know what I’m going to do. Peace: talk to sis about a conflict we had. Harmony: talk to one of my friends that I’m rebuilding a harmonious relationship with. Abundance: apply for a better job and submit one writing submission. Love: I’m looking forward to giving someone a great big hug today and receiving that person’s embrace.
Reaching out into the world, into the many layers of connectivity that bind us all. Peace, harmony, abundance and love is my foundation for the day. Building a life again. Intentional this time. Strong and kind on purpose. Giving and receiving on purpose. Compassionate. Building a life from the qualities you build from, God… My life is a good life. My life is a peaceful life. My way is a holy way. My experience is love.
Accepting that I am worthy of it all…
Ameen.
Day 153
Building A Life
i dont want to be alone anymore… Now I see why old people just like to sit on porches and talk to folks. it’s the best thing ever.
back from the Bahamas. at mom’s house. back in Cali tomorrow. Dark things are coming to the surface and I just let them pass through. anxiety about what the future holds. this past week in the Bahamas has been so full of light and love and aliveness. It was so wonderful to be around good friends. It was all so wonderful…
I don’t think Dream Lover is going to make it to the finish line. He’s not even running the race, but instead, he’s sitting in a corner somewhere holding himself, scared to lose. It’s okay. Everyone has their own path. I’m ready to experience other things now, though, and he doesn’t seem to be willing to face his demons at this point in his life. People and deep connections are important to me now, and I don’t want to be alone anymore…
Funny thing is, I didn’t realize how alone I was until this past month or so when I experienced the opposite. Let me clarify. i haven’t been so-called alone, but sometimes you can be surrounded by people and not really connect with anyone. During my Bahamas trip, I actually connected with the people I was with. It was so free and easy. It was just so easy to be myself and we (my guest and my friend who I met up with in the Bahamas) thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company… I was the opposite of alone and I see that my life back home is not filled with these kinds of experiences.
I am apprehensive about how I am going to go back to my little life after experiencing so much joy. Actually, apprehensive is an understatement. Dark things are coming to the surface… vacation over. back to reality.
closing my eyes so i can see better… prayer is what i need right now, God. the real kind. i have seen the kind of life i want to live. i have tasted it. i thought it was just a dream, but it was real. it was me. i have the pictures to prove it. that was me smiling so big. that was me with real friends. that was me with a man i loved. that was me doing fancy things in fancy places… and now i’m going back home. and none of that stuff is there.
this isn’t so easy for me. to know how good life can be, to know how good life has been, and to know that where i am going, those things I loved are no longer there.
slow and steady, You say. slow and steady… I need your help on this one, God. Dark things are coming to the surface and the future looks kind of bleak from where I’m standing…
breathing… what a change in perception. i didn’t realize how much i missed human connectivity. it’s been a long time. i have been so alone for such a long time, missing out on the subtle things that pass between humans, the sheer joy that comes from having a true companion that accepts you just the way you are. i have been missing out on the good human stuff. i am grateful, God. I see. life can be a marvelous thing. i am so grateful…
moving forward, i know that things are going to change. you can not go back to darkness once you have seen the light, and so I don’t know what’s going to happen back in Cali, or even how long I will be there from this point forward, I only know that something wonderfully special has been awakened within me. It is the true desire to live a good life. And I mean a good life. I know that it is real now. It’s not just a fantasy.
things that I can’t control are important to me now, like friendships and relationships and community and love and abundance. this new part of life is something different altogether and i am an amateur at this good stuff and this intentional relationship stuff and this vulnerable stuff. i know i will learn with your grace, God. i am choosing faith instead of fear…
the dark things have come to the surface and they are being transmuted by the light, but i realize that i and everyone i have crossed paths with on this journey called life are not walking at the same pace. sometimes i am ahead, and sometimes they are. and it is okay. i am walking step by step with those who choose to walk with me, and God, I am afraid that I might have to walk alone at times… It was so nice to walk with others…
But it’s okay. I am a grown-up now. i can do this. From glory to greater glory. From light to brighter light i am not stopping. You said You are for me and not against me and I’m taking Your word for it… I’m gonna’ keep on walking…
Day 152
Towards The Light
Good morning blog world/diary/journal/God,
I’ve missed talking to you. I’ve been going through a lot of changes and haven’t really been clear about what to write about. I’m in the Bahamas right now, taking my trip that I won on that game show… I keep winning stuff and the hotel staff here is super nice to us, treating us as VIP guests. My companion says I’m lucky…
The Bahamas is cool, beautiful like you see on TV. The whole commonwealth consists of 700 + islands, twenty-something of which are inhabited, and there’s two sides to it, an island called Paradise Island, which is what most people think of when they say the Bahamas, and then rest of the Bahamas. Paradise Island is a manufactured paradise, with a casino, all the water sports, a water park, huge fancy villas, houses and hotels, spotless streets, beach upon beach, and aqua blue water. Most of the people there are tourists or people from abroad. The rest of the Bahamas is mostly occupied by the natives. They have little parts of towns that are glamourous and set up for the tourists, and then the rest is just like any other non-western country… I don’t really have an opinion on this place… The natives are funny and flirty towards us…
I don’t want to talk about the Bahamas this morning, though. I have a well of emotion rising up in me for some reason. Dream Lover got scared. We’re taking a break from each other. It’s funny how we switched places. He now feels inadequate and feels like I’m too good for him. He’s now horrified of being vulnerable and getting disappointed. He is not ready to have what he truly wanted right now. I’m not scared of much anymore and I have been and am continuing to build myself up so that I can actually accept the things I say I want. It’s funny, because he thought he was ready. It happens like that some times. He hasn’t been MIA for too long, and I think I miss him, but I’m not sure… Being with him was like such a wonderful dream. If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it happened. it sure did change my life, though.
In the past, this would be the point where I get depressed and go cry and be like, “oh, why me. I thought he was the one. Now how can I be sure about anything in life?” I went through that phase already, and am still going through it, but I don’t feel like oh why me this time. I feel like “thank you, God”. Uh huh. Maybe he is still the one, but maybe not. I love him to death, but this kind of love I want is only for the brave, and I am of the brave. I know that now. I’m not sure if he’s gonna make it past his fears at this point in his life, but I know that I’m I hella brave and I’m ready to give and receive deep love right now. We’ll see if he can keep up…. Thank you, God. Thank you for this wonderfully magic summer and this wonderful life. Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me to see what I really think is important in this life… I know more about who I am now. Thank you, God…
It’s not about money or traveling or ambition per se for me. It’s not about getting and having the fancy stuff. For me, life is about the little things, like intentional kindness even when you are upset. True forgiveness. Shameless loving. Uninhibited expression. Creativity. Bold spiritual inquiry. Action on your deepest desires. Balance. And oh, connectivity. We have come a long way, and like my four-month-old nephew, we are not cry babies anymore. We can sit still and just smile about nothing in particular, while still being true to ourselves and our needs… We can learn from our past without throwing temper tantrums and acting out of anxiety. The lesson is not to stop trusting people or to stop wanting the things you said you wanted. Look deeper. Look for the real lesson. Look for the good lesson in the exchange. That’s how you grow. Because it never ends. You don’t stop wanting what you want just because you repress your desires and get all mad and bitter about it. You just turn into a porcupine when you do that. You might as well figure out how to grow up and be happy now, or else you’ll just keep being sad…
I am not afraid of much anymore, and when I am not afraid of much, my lucky self kicks in, and so I’m expecting luck now and success in my endeavors. You say that’s okay, God, and that’s all right with me. Thank you for being on my team. I Love You. I know it doesn’t mean much to You. You say, yes it does, so I’ll say it again. Thank you, God, for blessing me and changing my mind so that life is actually something that I like participating in…
I’m gonna go now. Start my day and stuff. Say my prayers. Do my hair. I want to do some work today and put my feet in the ocean. I get to see one of my long lost friends today, and that’s exciting! It’s finally okay with me to be okay. I feel all right with it. I actually feel compelled to be okay, like that’s part of the way you heal the world. You can’t go around trying to give people guidance and help and stuff if your all f*cked up inside. Well, you can, but you know what I’m saying.
So that’s it. That’s my writing comeback. Not the strongest, but I don’t mind if you don’t. We’re grown ups now. Let’s cut the bulsh*t and be happy already. If you’re willing to do some work and face those rotten demons, if you use your experiences to expand yourself rather than contract, happiness can actually be an option… Peace and Blessings.
Day 151
Stop Crying About It
Dream Lover is sick as a dog…
Trying to find my center… Sometimes I doubt this way of living, from the inside out. Sometimes I wish I could plug into something, a religion, a cultural doctrine, anything to tell me what to do with myself. My momma. I’m unplugged from everything, yet I don’t feel lost. Why not, God? You say I’m not lost, but who are You anyway? Is it really you talking to me, God, or just my mind playing tricks? No answer…
How do you decide how to live a life? What are the rules? The other day, one of my siblings asked me if I’m a believer. She wanted to know because she wanted to know if it was okay for her to come to me for help. According to her faith, she shouldn’t go to unbelievers for help. I’m not even mad at her. She’s trying to live life according to a particular doctrine. It must be a lot easier. When I was talking to her, I was thinking, “how nice it must be to have a guidebook on life…”
I don’t have any rules or guidebooks. I tried them before, but they didn’t work out too well for me. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t make certain things make sense to me and I couldn’t help but feel like a liar and a hypocrite when I was walking in one direction in life, but not really believing in it… And they say lean not on your own understanding, but what else can you lean on when it’s time to make a choice? What else can you lean on from stage one, when you are deciding which book to take as your guide if any at all?
We’ve been talking here for a while (or not) God, and I haven’t been able to hear you clearly for a while. I don’t really know what to do next, in any form or fashion. My room cocoon is wonderful, but I know I have to come out of here much sooner than later, and come back to the world, but I am so different now. I am so changed. What happened? I don’t even know myself anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true… What’s true is that I don’t even care about the things I used to care about.
I don’t care about money anymore or fame or making anyone proud. I still think my writings could help a lot of people and I enjoy writing and for that reason I’m still going to get them out, but they are just not that important to me anymore. You say I am in a good place, but God, I’m not even sure if It’s You talking to me, or just my own thoughts Do You see??? Of course You do. Guide me, please. I surrender now.
I surrender… Take me into the depths of truth, Lord. Take me into the depths of Life. It is okay with me now. I am strong enough. I’m a grown up now. It’s okay if I’m alone sometimes or confused. I think it will be worth it. I think this is my destiny. I guess at some point you have to trust something… There is no way to prove whether there is a God or what that even means or if you hear voices or see spirits or what is right or wrong… It goes really deep.
All there is is you. And what you hear. And what you see. And what you do. And whether what you hear and see and do and be reflects who you are… I surrender now, God. I surrender to who I really am. Please be with me…
Day 150
Surrender
How long is a day, anyway?
Life goes like that sometimes. You make more progress in two weeks than you have made in two years, and other times, one year is so much the same that it feels like only a day has passed.
I’m back in Cali. Back in my apartment. The birds are chirping in the trees outside of my window. The windows are open and a breeze flows through the house. I ate good this morning. Some people invited me to 4th of July stuff… I am so easy to please. This is all I need. This and an outlet to express myself…
I have so much to talk about that I don’t know where to start. In two weeks, I have made more progress than I have made in two years. What’s probably more true is that I have been making progress all along, but I have finally started to see concrete results in the past two weeks.
So, I’m sitting here in my room, recovering from a really taxing journey back home, and I’m wondering what to do next. All doors are open. I don’t know how I got to this place, but I know that from where I am in consciousness, I can literally do anything, God willing. I am not in survival mode anymore.
Somehow I know that rent will always get paid and food will always be there. I know that wounds will heal and there are enough nice people in the world for me to always have some companion of sorts if I want it. I’m not afraid of rejection anymore. It happens. It’s a part of life, but it doesn’t matter too much, because people only have as much power over you as you give them. Someone will accept you. It just doesn’t make any sense that any of us would be created on this earth to be entirely alone, as weird and strange as we all might be…
I think we have been tricked. Scammed. We spend a big portion of our lives just trying to survive. For the longest part of my life, my only objective was to get a big house for my mom. That was it. Everything else I did in life was for that end. I don’t think anything is wrong with having goals and aspirations, but I think that we get caught up in the doing and having and we forget what life is really about. Perhaps we are so busy that we never even stop to ask what our lives are really about. Surely my sole purpose on Earth was not to just get a house for my mom. Surely there must be more.
So, I’m sitting here having a bit of an existential awakening. Dream Lover is rich and he has all of the connections that I need to take my work to the next level. He even has connections and opportunities that I never thought of. He is willing to give me a bunch of money and hook me up whether or not I ever marry him or have sex with him. He’s that kind of guy. A philanthropist of sorts. I’ve seen him do this kind of thing to other people, sponsor them, so I know he will do it for me. He has already started. So, all problems are solved now. Money? Check. Food? Check. Housing? Check. Avenues for expressing my work? Check. Healthy relationships? Check, check, and check.
There. Now what? God, you gave me everything I ever asked for and now I don’t know what to do with myself. You see, my whole life has been about struggling and trying to get these things, and I can see that so many people’s lives are about the exact same things, but what will you do once you get them? I think that’s where the real living starts. Outside of the survival zone, and I see God, that this is where my real work starts. Oh, I know, I’ve been working all along, but everything I have done thus far has been preparing me for this time now. I can feel it. I can see it. It all makes sense to me now. I had to be in these places so I could get rid of my arrogant, judgmental attitude. I had to learn about compassion and connectivity some kind of way, and i am still learning. I had to know what it meant to give of yourself on purpose and I had to learn how to protect myself from those who don’t have my best interest at heart and also how to trust that I am good…. I am still learning things. Life is a process. But I feel ready now. I feel able to do something good and beautiful with my life now.
Call me crazy, but I’m not worried about how I’m going to do what I’m here to do. If God puts something in you, of course He is going to provide a way for you to do it. You just have to trust and walk as you are led. So here we go, God. Thank you so much for so much. Let’s get to living!
Day 149
Outside Of The Survival Zone
Hitting the road in a bit. Back to LA, back to life, back to reality, except I don’t think I’m going back to my old reality at all. Everything has really changed a lot.
Thank you for a wonderful summer so far, God. I’ve gotten to see so many different worlds and be around so many wonderful people. This has been fantastic, and it’s not even over. Wow.
Dream Lover and I made a lot of progress these past two weeks. He’s something special. Yesterday I saw him perform for the first time. He’s great. We were in a little hippy town in the middle of nowhere. Everyone knew each other and the kids were playing guitars and singing songs about being free. I’ve only seen things like this in the old movies.
One of the ladies there was throwing this big community event, and Dream Lover was one of the performers. He was so full of energy, and he has such a gentle way about him. I was standing in the audience watching him, wondering how did I get a man like this. He had so much energy and he was so alive… And he could dance!!! How did I get a man like this, God? How did I get a life like this? He’s perfect for me…
My family and I had a conference call and we talked about things that we want to do overseas to help the world. My family is really great. We are going to work together. I am going to take my place and lead some stuff and it doesn’t feel like a burden this time. It feels like an honor. It feels like such an honor to be alive…
So, nothing to complain about today, God. No problems. Clean heart. Clean conscience. Peace in my mind. Feeling able. Actually, knowing that I am able and safe and protected. Feeling lucky to have the opportunity to love and be loved. The opportunity is always there, man or not. He asks me to help him grow, teach him how to express himself and help him to love me. He’s not used to this kind of thing, he says… I’m an expert at the love thing and he’s an expert at everything else. I think we make a good team. We both like avocados and peanut butter and we both smell the pillowcases whenever we sleep on someone else’s bed. Lol… Thank You, God, for this new chapter.
Sorry I don’t have anything fancy or inspirational or witty to say today. I’m just my simple self today, but I still wanted to reach out anyway. You don’t have to be cool to be happy, and you don’ t have to be bad to be good. Have a blessed day.
Day 148
You Don’t Have To Be Cool
Godd morning world,
It’s a beautiful day today. I’m up early like I like to be and buzzing and grateful.
I am in the throes of transformation and I’m actually excited about it. I’m really starting to believe that anything is possible, not just in theory.
My world just changed. Literally. Life looks so different now. Of course Dream Lover had a lot to do with it, but I think I’ve been moving in this direction for some time now. I have been motivated by the desire to prove something to someone most of my life, the desire to get something. I’ll show them (or me) that I’m smart. I’ll show them that I can do it. I’ll get this or I’ll get that and then it will make such and such proud, or even myself proud. I’ll make myself a role model… It’s been all about me and my self esteem and ego for a while, but I’m realizing that wanting and wanting and wanting and getting really doesn’t make me happy. I’ve come all this way just to see that giving from the heart is so much better than wanting. It just is. And the rest falls into place…
I think this blog was the beginning of the death of my ego. I didn’t have the energy to care about proving anything anymore. I just wanted to be happy and live my purpose, but at first I couldn’t even imagine what that really meant. Now I can visualize things and I actually experience bits of joy in my daily life. Now when I pray and meditate and think about what I can offer to the world and what I can create instead of just thinking about what I can get and sometimes my actions reflect my deepest insights.
And now, with Dream Lover around and another aspect of life coming into view, the thing that I actually always wanted most of all (Love), I see that anything really is possible, and now the question is, as my book put it, what do I really want to do with this physical incarnation I call my life, and why do I want to do it?
It’s a seems like a simple enough question, but for me, it’s a question I’ve never asked from the vantage point of everything is possible. What I wanted to do always had something to do with what I thought I could do. And so I said I wanted to paint the apartment in my kitchen blue when really I wanted to own a home close to nature. And I said I wanted to finish writing a script when really I wanted my script to be a movie.
I think we get what we ask for, and just to be honest, I never really thought I could have the big things that I want, so I never asked them. I never even imagined them, but I am starting to do that now. And it’s a funny thing. It’s not all about me anymore. I mean, it’s not so much about what I want as why I want it. I like this deeper place I am going, this deeper way of living. Don’t get mad at me for saying I like myself and my life. It’s taken me a while to even imagine that I might be valuable. I am valuable…
So, why do I do what I do? Well, it has changed now, God. It has changed. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be deeply connected to people now. I see that now and I even see how that deep seated desire and the denial of such has caused a lot of grief in my life. I didn’t get it and because of the way I grew up and the religion I was in, the people close to me didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand why I would want to be a massage therapist (of all things!) and why I always asked people such prodding, intrusive questions. Anyway…
I think I’ll let that part of my life be over now. The sad part. The sorry part. The victim part. It’s over. There. Done. Now that we are creating a new identity, a new life from the vantage point of freedom and love and possibility and deep connection and spiritual guidance, I would like to move around on the Earth in a different kind of way. So tell me what to do now, God. You already know what to do, You tell me, and You are right. Ask, my Love, and You shall receive. You whisper to the most tender parts of me…
Thank You so much, God.
Day 147
Ask The Questions
So, I’ve been jotting my thoughts down over the past couple of days… I think I accidentally posted some of them…
I’m at Starbucks right now and Seal is singing a song. “I belong to you. You belong to me.”
Love on the mind. Kind of annoying. Thoughts of Dream Lover invading my work space, making me think that nothing else really matters. Repurposing. Restructuring. Recreating my identity. Re-evaluating life.
In a writing cocoon this week. Got a room in a fancy house so I could finish projects without distraction. Not far from Dream Lover. Really going to do it this time. No doubt.
Complete sentences not forming. Complete visions not clear. Only that this is the right place. Only that this is the right time. Only that everything that is happening is good. Great, even.
Everything is different. “Change, already”, You whisper to my spirit. This is your time. He is the one. You know this. Step into your life.
Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. Excited. Scared. Thankful. Why does everything else seem so small standing next to Love? This is not like the movies. Choosing to change my perspective in this instant. Stop whining. See what’s really there.
Step into myself. I’ve been talking about it for a long time. It’s here. I’m here. Weird. Like I’m standing on the outside of me looking at me, sitting in this Starbucks, writing this blog, and my real self, my spirit, is saying, “Come on, now. Let’s fly.” My real self is excited about this time in my life. The time when I say I do. I will. I am. The time when I truly give from the core of all that I am and I truly accept from the core of all that life is.
It’s a tall order. A lifelong quest. A dream come true type of thing… But nothing else matters. How is it that after all this time, after this long journey and all this crying and self torment, I have come to this? Nothing else matters if you are not going to give from the life within you and receive from the life without you.
Lord, You know I have to pray a lot to accept these truths and let them wash away all of the stuff that I have been programming myself with for all these years, but I’m praying. I’m praying and You have been answering my prayers…
So, let’s get out of Starbucks. I’m going back home. Back to the cocoon. I have access to my heart again and I’d like to make some stuff to give to the world. From my heart. I’m not worried anymore. The right people will receive it at the right time. How am I not worried? I really believe that all I have to do is trust my instincts and act on them. I have already done the work to learn and hear your voice and I am still cultivating that part of myself. I also know when I can’t hear your voice and I am learning to sit still at those times.
This is a different way to live. It seems really strange in my mind, but I’m going to go with it. Just over the horizon. Trust your instincts. Just over the horizon, just in front of you, right on the other side of that imaginary veil is your dream life. The catch is, you have to walk towards it before you can actually see it. You are no longer afraid to walk, Laydie, but you have been wobbling, not sure if it is real. It’s okay. Wobble before you can walk, but now I want you to believe me. Believe it. It’s real.
The world has been waiting for you. We have been waiting for you to be yourself. You remember what your classmate said, “I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do”. She meant it. We have been waiting for you to be happy. We have been waiting for you to get over it. Just get over it. You can do it. We have been waiting for your love and your generosity and your strength. You have been waiting for your joy, so step into it now, okay? No rush. Just easy. Let all that other stuff go. You’re not a ghetto girl anymore, but you are still a ghetto girl… You are all of it. Do you understand?
Let’s do the Queen stuff now. Let’s do the giver stuff now. Let’s do the happy stuff now. Let’s do the leader stuff now. Let’s do the joy now. Let’s do the connectivity now. Let’s be alive, okay? OK. We have been playing “bad life” for so long. Let’s do the good life stuff now, Okay? OK…
I can’t wait…
Day 146
The World Is Waiting For You
Dear world,
It’s such a pleasure to reach out and connect with people. This is my joy. To be a part of it all.
Dream Lover is asleep in the room. Yes, him. I am here with him. I think this will last…
I feel like I’m in some kind of dream. I made it to my destination safely. I had another bout of resistance along the way and got out of it by screaming, yelling, and singing affirmations to myself. I ended up writing the rest of a song I’d been working on through that ride…
Dream Lover explained everything to me. He was a scared as* and a jerk. Meh. OK. I forgive him. It’s just easier to forgive. People grow. He’s making amends and showing himself trustworthy now.
I work on my projects all day, exercise, read books and spend time with him. He pays for everything and gives me money and he seems to like doing that. We plan what we are going to do next together. I’m a planner and he’s an executer. He’s ready to get moving on all the things I said I wanted to do in this life but never really thought I could do. He wants to help me do them. He thinks they are good ideas, and since he’s a successful businessman with connections in high places, I believe him. I’m trying not to be scared…
Life is just flowing so smoothly now. Is this real, God? Is this me? Is this my life now? How did I get here? I’m one of those women now. The clean ones that I see at the parks at 11 am taking their children out for walks. The business owners with manicured nails that seem so stress free. The happy ones that seem like they have husbands who actually adore them and are nice to them. I’m becoming one of those women. I can see my new life on the horizon. I am smiling. I am helping people. My skin is clear and my hair grows. I am helping people, but I’m so modest and kind. Is that me? I’m so happy. I do a lot for the world, but it’s not a burden. It’s a joy. I’m like a kid, and in this vision, I even have kids. They are playful and cute like their father. They learn how to laugh big from him…
So this is it. Fear, you are actually losing your grip on me. I see you but you can’t come in. Thank you for protecting me all this time from all the dangers I could have put myself in, but I’d like you to go now. Your services are no longer needed and there are other people in tough situations who could benefit from your company. Thank you for all that you have done for me, but I am safe now, and you see, I can’t take you with me to this new place. You wouldn’t even be interested in coming with me.
Dear God of the heavens and the Earth, master of all that is seen and unseen, dear world, dear me, i am surrendering all that I have been for all that I now am becoming. I am allowing my mind, my body and my spirit to be clean and new again. It is all right with me if I don’t fully understand this process or everything that happens in the world. In this moment, I am stepping into my destiny anyway. I allow life to flow through me. I allow life to flow as me. I am life. I am alive. I reach out and connect to the very essence of aliveness. I give myself to the world, Allah. Here I am. I am here with all of my pieces. Let me savor this moment a little longer… I can see my dream life actually being my real life for the first time ever. I am here Lord! I am myself again. I am myself for the first time ever. And I let it flow. Life is for me and not against me… I let it flow. Yes, Lord, I let it flow. Ameen.
Day 145
Flow
I’m sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere, Country. I left my mom’s house late last night on my way to the other side of the country on the promise of a dream come true…
I haven’t driven that much, though, because I became inordinately tired and so I had to pull over and get some sleep. I recognize resistance when I see it, so this morning I decided to pull over and do some intense prayer and meditation, because I am committed to reaching my destination.
I was feeling quite horrified. Of everything of course. Scared of the possibility of failure and scared of the even greater possibility of success. I’ve experienced failure and I know it very well, so that doesn’t scare me much anymore. But my experience of having the fulfillment of my deepest desires come true has not been as often.
You know, the truth is, this dream come true stuff is even scarier than the fear of not having what we want. We are used to not having what we want. But consider putting your whole self on the line, making yourself that vulnerable, giving your all, sacrificing stuff, and then not getting what you set out to get. That kind of fear can leave you stuck in the middle of nowhere, sitting in a car typing a blog…
So, since I really can’t go back to mom’s house and deep down I know that God-willing I’m going to reach my destination, I have decided to deal with myself before I continue on this journey. I got to the root of my fears: I’ve done this before. Not often, but I’ve given my all before, spent all my money, gone to the limit of giving my heart, done my best at writing something, and prayed and meditated my heart out to try and establish a deep spiritual connection. I ended up being gravely disappointed when my investments turned sour and my love was not returned, when my work was rejected and I was told by people close to me that I have become a lost heathen…
So good. I know why I am scared to give my all and make this big move based on pure faith and intuition: I’ve done it before and ended up getting really damaged…. So, I’m still sitting because knowing why you do what you do is just the beginning of changing a situation. I go deeper. I read the book I am reading and it essentially addresses exactly what I’m dealing with, saying that the bodies of experience that I had before were created by a totally different person than I am now. I never thought of that.
And so I started thinking, well who am I now, or rather, who do I think I am, and this is what came up: lonely, ugly, unsuccessful, worthless, disempowered, poor, broken, victim, unholy. Wow. The good stuff didn’t even come to mind.
So that’s what I’m dealing with now, but you know what? I’m not even dealing with it because I know it’s not true anymore. It was true. I have been that woman. I have been and felt and acted like all those things, but, as I’m sitting in this car, I’m recognizing that I have become someone else and am becoming someone different even in this moment.
And so, God, with your permission, I would like to recreate my identity now, and acknowledge who I am and who I am becoming. Because that old woman that I was cannot be successful at the journey I am taking. I can’t be poor and rich at the same time, and I can’t believe that I am unsuccessful and create any type of success in my life. Feed yourself good food, You tell me, and I give myself permission to eat.
This woman, me, I, sitting in this car on the way to the rest of my life am in this moment acknowledging and creating a new identity, an identity that supports the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth and beyond. I allow my thoughts and self perception to change. I give myself permission to be powerful. Yes, my favorite scary word. Power. I accept you. I allow you to be me. I am powerful and I use my power in a way that is good for all involved. I am powerful. I am powerful. I am powerful. Laydie, you are powerful. That is who you are now.
Holy. Blessed and worthy. Take it. Become it. Believe it. Make it you. We are creating a new identity. We are accepting what is given. I am blessed and holy and guided. That is who I am now. I am blessed and holy and guided. God is for me and not against me. I am good. I am holy. This is who I am. Yes, I am worthy of good things in life. Me. I deserve it. This is who I am. A woman who is deserving of good things in life. I accept them. I accept them, God. I am blessed, holy and worthy of the very best in life and I now graciously accept them.
I already know that I am not alone or ugly. Yes, me, we are supported and loved by many and we give support and love and we are beautiful. We know that.
Let’s deal with success and poverty, and we’ll throw victimization and brokenness in there, because they are all cousins. Let’s go. Who are we now? Who are we becoming? What are we allowing into our lives? This is a hard one for you. Save the best for last. Tell the truth. If you can not truly claim to be it, then at least give yourself permission to become it. I can do that. I give myself permission to succeed at having the life of my dreams, which includes wealth, love, and right work. I give myself permission to be successful. The woman I am becoming is successful. I can be successful. This is a possibility for me. I can be wealthy. Yes, I am choosing to be successful and wealthy, and because I can choose, I am no longer a victim, and because I can heal and have been healing, I am no longer broken. I am whole. I am a creator of circumstances.
Let’s put it all together now. Who do I think I am? Now. I am a powerful woman who uses my power for the good of all involved. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams, holy and worthy of the very best life has to offer. I graciously accept the beauty, support, and love that I have been given and I radiate it back out into the world. I am a multidimensional being with a plethora of life experiences and I walk around on the Earth with the intention of creating that which I wish to see. I have the ability to be wealthy and successful and I allow wealth and success to be a part of my experience even now. Even in this day. I am constantly getting better and better.
This is who I am. This is who I am becoming….
Day 144
Who Do You Think You Are?
hownottocryeveryday 