I have a friend who has been suicidal half of his life… His probably the smartest, most kind, loving and talented human being that I know, and he’s brave as well. But on the outside, people think he’s lazy because he hasn’t accomplished much as far as material success and sometimes he has a hard time finding the energy to do anything on any given day. I know he’s not lazy. I know he’s strong. I can’t imagine what he goes through in his mind, but I have seen him at his best from time to time and I know he’s brilliant….
He is on my mind, tonight, or this morning, I should say. Five am. I can’t sleep. I know I’m sleepy, but my mind won’t stop. It won’t stop, Lord. I reached another crossroads, just like that, and all of a sudden things don’t make sense again… Nothing really big even happened. I just woke up this morning after spending the night at my sister’s house, and went outside to meditate. On her part of town there is green grass and fresh air. People are affluent and doing things they want to do with their lives. I sat down and meditated and prayed and something happened. I don’t even know what it was. I just got lost in my meditation. Just for a moment, I could feel everything. I understood everything and nothing worried me. It was such a brief moment God. I know it couldn’t have lasted more than fifteen minutes human time, but it felt so real…
And then I came back to Earth and back to my life. My apartment was really hot today and my new roommates were being passive aggressive with their complaints about the heat. I spent most of the day doing nothing worth talking about and then this evening I helped my sister buy some new clothes and then went to my spiritual center and then took a Zumba class that rattled my body all around. I’m losing weight really fast. That happens when I’m in Cali. I had a thick, healthy body for a while, and I guess I like my figure that way, but physical movement makes me feel better and if I don’t exercise, I’ll get thick and thick and then fat…
I’m just rambling, avoiding what I’m feeling. I don’t want to tell people. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling really lost, God. Things aren’t making sense anymore. This world isn’t making sense. This ghetto neighborhood fifteen minutes away from the beautiful hills with the rich kids and clean air isn’t making sense to me. My brilliant friend who wants to slit his wrists every other day and the loss of Dream Lover just isn’t registering in my logic brain. My life, I mean the outward expression of my life given who I am on the inside, just doesn’t add up…
And we pray, and we work and we go mingle and we try and marry people and do things that represent success, but then I come home and for the life of me, I can’t figure out the point of it all. The right side of my lower body really hurts tonight and it’s been hurting for some time. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve done yoga, gone to chiropractors and doctors, done acupuncture, prayed and done affirmations, but the pain is still there. And it wasn’t always there. I wasn’t born with it. So what happened, God? Why can’t I fix it? Why can’t I fix my life? Why can’t it be the way I think it should be? I’m so frustrated. I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t see the point of it anymore.
Please help me. Most people don’t impress me anymore…. The sun is coming up already. Help me, Allah, please. I want my life to change, but I don’t know how to make it change. Help me, please. I’ve really been trying and I don’t want to stop believing in You. I don’t want to be bitter. I know You are real, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to pray. I don’t know which job to look for or where to live. I just don’t know any more, God. I just don’t know anymore. Nothing means anything to me…
I just wanted to love someone, but that didn’t work out, and I don’t even know why it didn’t work out. I don’t even know what I could do differently to have a love that lasts… sigh… I’m at my wits end, Lord, and I don’t care who knows. I don’t care who talks about me anymore. I need your help, Lord, and I am petitioning You. Yes, You. You said You were on my side. You said You were on all of our sides. We don’t know what to do. Help us. You said that all of our needs are met, but we live in a world where people are born poor and hungry and they spend the greater part of their lives just in reaction to that state of being. How can You tell someone to believe that all of their needs are met when they are hungry? It sounds good, but it’s really hard to believe when one’s physical reality does not reflect that.
So, I’m listening, God. Guide. Me. Please… You are not talking to me this morning. Because I said what I thought? Is this why all the guys leave? Do I just need to shut up? Yes, You say. Shut up and listen. I have heard your cries. I have heard them all. I will not forsake you… Do not forsake yourself. Hush now, and listen. There is comfort here. Oh, my Dear, I know it is not easy for you with a heart so big in this world. Do not give up this time, please. This is the last test. Listen. Listen… You have come so far. Cross over with me, now. Give up the need to understand everything before you experience it. Some things you will never understand. But know that I am God. I am with you. I have never left you. You will make it to the place that you call good. You will make it to places you never imagined and this day will be your testimony. Listen, now, and be blessed…
Day 157
Listen
I’m bummed out. Just found out that I got rejected for a screenwriting program that I really thought I was going to get accepted into…
God, You’re really doing a number on me… I had forgotten that rejection was a possibility for some time… So, I’m sitting in Panera Bread trying to get some work done before I go to a networking event tonight. The event is held by the organization that just rejected me. I didn’t know they were going to make decisions already, so I thought that if I went and met some of the people there, it might have increased my chances of getting picked.
Jokes on me. They already picked the people they wanted. Those people came to the networking event last month. I’ll still go to the event. I’ve got to fix my face, though, so I don’t look all sad and dejected.
So, okay. Now what? I made a really good connection with someone this past weekend that might help with my save the world overseas plans… I can feel the fear creeping in, God. The insecurity. It’s possible that nobody picks me. It’s possible that this doesn’t work. It’s possible that I can’t do it. That’s why my sibling told me to just give our land overseas to someone else? He didn’t think I could do it. Why do I think I can do it anyway?…
Is this all part of the plan? Knock me out with my greatest fears and see what I do now? Well, guess what I’m going to do? I’m not going to cry. So there! I’m not going to cry anymore. I’m going to suck it up, and I’m going to work with what I have. Just like I told my little yoga students a long time ago. “My mind’s made up with every thought. To do the best I can with what I’ve got.”
Let’s not play pretend anymore. I will never be all right with myself unless I can say I gave it my all. And I haven’t yet. I haven’t given my writing thing my all. Submitting the second draft of one script to one person is hardly saying that I tried my best to get this movie made. So that’s it.
Thank you. Yep. Thank you, God for this rejection. If you are for me and not against me, and if I am really trusting in you like I say I am committed to doing, then I have to thank you for everything. Everything that looks bad and everything that looks good. I have got to get beyond appearances. So thank you. Because I’m sitting in a cafe and I’m not crying even though things didn’t go as I had wanted them to.
I’m just not going to do it anymore. I’m not going to cry. There is nothing to let go of anymore, and crying is just a little habit that I’m about to break. I’ll do it when I need to, but right now, what I need to do is remember and tune in deeper. What I need to do is practice what I preach and work diligently. Right now is not the time for crying or closing up or getting scared of rejection. Right now is the time for rejoicing and opening my heart more and more. Because a new day is on the horizon. In fact, a new day is already here.
I have dreams of going into a nation of people who have seen greater disappointment than I can even imagine and teaching them how to move towards the light regardless. So here is my board exam. Can I do it? Can I move towards the light in spite of all appearances of darkness? Can I find your voice within me, God, and keep listening to it with no guarantees. Can I finally come to grips with the fact that in life, there are no guarantees? Can I embody wisdom and strength and still be loving? This is what they mean when they say “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”…
It’s not about some guy walking through a graveyard and not being scared. It’s about what happens inside of us. It’s about standing up when everything seems like it’s falling apart and saying praise God! It’s about trusting and believing that whatever is happening to you or around you is taking you to a higher place, and so you’ve got to say thank you. Because you don’t know what is in the works for you. I don’t know if I’m about to sell that script to the recent connection I made tomorrow.
And so, God, it’s me and you buddy. I actually believe that you are for me and not against me. Why would you be against me when you created me? And if you are for me and not against me, then everything in the universe is working together for my good. And if this is true, then this rejection is a good thing. This premise dries up my tears. It gives me strength and faith. I am staying open. Sorry, devil. I’m not retreating into fear this time. I’m staying open and I am finding the truth beyond appearances… Beyond appearances…
Day 156
Beyond Appearances
In Starbucks, listening to UB40 say that “Wise men say only fools rush in”…. Think I’m about ready to write my song now.
This is the last chapter of this blog. I like this blogging thing and I know how to do it better now, so I’ll start a new blog when I’m done with this one. For, now, though, the tone of my life is changing from a reactive to a creative space, and How Not To Cry Every Day doesn’t work anymore.
I knew I would forget, and I’m glad I have forgotten. I still know about sadness and depression. I spent this past week getting reacquainted with my bed and trying to figure out how I’m going to do this new Cali life thing without Dream Lover, after experiencing how good life could be with him. And it’s not easy… But it only took a week to get off the bed this time, instead of seven months. Somewhere in me, I know that my story has a really sweet ending, and I’m open to the good part now.
I hope he comes back. I really do, God, or I hope someone else comes sooner than later… I really Loved loving someone. But crying every day just doesn’t seem so appealing anymore. Hanging out with people I don’t like doesn’t really sound good either. Lying or pretending or just being plain sorry because I’m used to it doesn’t quite work for me any more, either. I’m bored with the redundant sadness, so I’ve run out of options.
There’s nothing left to do but the good stuff. I went back and hung out with all of my Cali friends this past week and spent time with some of my family, and I realized that none of them are going to save me from anything. They are all busy dealing with their own issues in their own ways…
So I went home to my bed. I cried a little bit. Maybe a lot. It’s all relative. And then I stopped. I looked to You, God. You came in the night and spoke to me in images and feelings. Words I could not comprehend, but I understood, somewhere. I’m still trying to get the words to say what I know, but sometimes things are more clear in other ways. That’s my job, as a writer, to bring the words to the things we don’t know how to articulate.
So, let me try to bring the words… The good stuff is you. Nobody’s gonna give it to you. You’ve gotta bring it out of you. Everyone has it in them. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been or what you haven’t done. The good stuff is you.
That’s what you told me, God. I felt you. You told me that the good stuff is me. It doesn’t matter if the person I wanted to go to the beach with today is caught up in his own drama or it doesn’t matter if Dream Lover disappears and never comes back. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a friend in the world or if I’m surrounded by people I Love. I am the good stuff. You are the good stuff.
We don’t always understand and we spend a lot of time running, trying to do thing and get things so that we will feel good. So that someone will be proud, so we can say, “Look at me! I did a good thing. Will you tell me good job, now? Will you tell me you love me, now? Will you say I am important???” We spend a lot of time hiding, so that someone won’t hurt us or whatever…
But you can’t hide from your thoughts. You can blast the radio up as loud as you want and keep yourself as busy as possible. it doesn’t matter what you do or where you go. It will never be enough until you are okay with yourself right where you are. Just as you are. Sad and everything. Poor and everything. Lonely, unfulfilled, confused, whatever the case may be. It’s a part of it, you know. It’s a part of a life. Life is not just about the roses… I know this now. You told it to me in my dreams, God. I felt it in my spirit… You are so good to me.
I want to say it right, though, so that it makes sense to my mind and my spirit. So that I can remember it when I start getting down on myself because I don’t have this, that and the other. Because I still want this, that and the other, you know? But more than that, more than anything, I’d like to be good on the inside. Sleep in peace for real with nothing left to say. With a clean heart. Satisfied with what I have done for this day with this life you have given me… I recognize that that place, “over there” is an illusion. That thing that you are supposed to get before you can be happy and all right is a lie. You’ve got to start with the happy. You’ve got to be able to look yourself in the eye with all of your cuts and bruises and all of things you think you don’t have, and you’ve got to be able to say, “Even now, I’m all right. Even now, I am worthy to be blessed. Even now, I’m a good thing”…
So this part of my life is about the good stuff, and I don’t mean the good stuff like a book sale or a marriage or whatever looks like the good stuff on the outside. That will come, Insha’ Allah, and I’ll tell you about it, but that’s not the good stuff I’m talking about. I’m talking about the real good stuff, which is all the stuff. This part is about surrendering to all of the good stuff that is within me, God, and accepting all of the stuff that it took for me to get to this point, calling myself and my life good and very good, and allowing You to bring me out of myself at last.
Ameen.
Day 155
The Good Stuff
Okay…
My brain is scrambled with so many thoughts. The guy who inspired me to write this blog would just look at me, and I would calm down. He could be so comforting when he wanted to be…
I miss my dad.
I am a little girl today, missing her daddy.
My sub-letter moved out today, and now I officially live alone. What should I do now, now that there is no one to save me or no one to blame for anything?
It’a a trip, the lengths we go to avoid taking responsibility for our lives. I’ve just been passing through this LA life, hoping that someone would rescue me. But I think, no one is coming. At least not in that way. No one is going to rescue me, because, truly, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m a rescuer and I want someone to swim with me that we may comfort and support each other on our paths…
Bring the truth out of me, Lord, and plant it firmly in my life.
The truth is, I am here, now. There is no million dollar bank account. Dream Lover is not here. There is no signed book deal, and no children or community center abroad. My family is still my family and my friends are still my friends, growing and experiencing life in their own ways, and some of them may never change or may change for the worse. There is no big fancy house in my name anywhere and the bills are still coming.
And I have been sitting here, waiting on all those things before I give myself permission to live, waiting on so many things before I let my life start.
No more.
I am here. This is the choice I am making. I am here in this apartment in this city in this country in this world and I am choosing to be here. It is a delicate art, to be where you are while planning for the future, but I’m going to master that art. That’s what I’m choosing in this moment, God. Because right here, even in this moment, the possibility for happiness exists. Even in my bland room, the possibility for beauty exists. Even without Dream Lover, the possibility to love and be loved exists, even now, even in the other relationships that I have. I live in one of the most beautiful, diverse states in the country and where I am there are limitless opportunities to express and experience joy and freedom.
Thank you, God. I’m going to stop questioning your tactics. Here I am. Now. And I’m not here by accident. This is where I chose to be. I went all over the world this summer and had options to be other places with other people and do other things. I still have options, but I choose to be right here in this apartment in this room.
I’m not trapped here. I can live anywhere, but this is what I chose, so I’m going to choose it. Life, I’m sorry for neglecting you for so long and taking for granted all of the joy and all of the beauty, the peace of mind to be experienced in the present moment. The deep connectivity that I already have. The relationships that have been knocking on my door waiting to be cultivated. The opportunities that constantly reach in my direction… They are here and now. This is where I am! I might as well participate in it once and for all because I’m not going anywhere until I master these blessings, and I thank you God, for the lessons.
I’m accepting them now. Everything inherent in this moment, I accept, Lord, and I willingly participate in the creation of a wonderful life here and now.
Dream Lover, you have penetrated my spirit deeper than any before you, and it’s okay. I give you up to God. The world is bigger than my present perception and He will sort us out in our right places. You have my permission to be happy, with or without me, and I give myself permission to live, with or without you.
Day 154
Be Where You Are
Back in my Cali apartment…
I’m actually all right with being here. I’m proud of myself. My apartment doesn’t feel sad. It feels clean and fresh and open. That’s a big change for me.
I saw my sis and her husband yesterday. I don’t want to talk about them or any of that, though. I want to talk about something I just realized as I was meditating this morning. Life starts on the inside…
This morning, I realized that, among other things, I am strong. I have been avoiding being strong for quite some time, because I associated being strong with people being mean to me and always having too much responsibility and people taking me for granted. And I had discovered that when you are weak, people have lower expectations for you. So, I had been pretending that I am weak for some time.
But this morning, as I was meditating on the truth, I recognized that I’m not weak. I’m strong. And that’s just it…
I feel like I have a lot to offer this morning, but it’s not coming out right. This is my second time writing this blog, and I’m going to try again, intentional and deliberate this time.
Can I do that, God? Can I be intentional and deliberate and still be free flowing? Great. I meditated this morning and I found the place where you speak in me and You are still very present, and so I asking to please speak through my fingers and make this inspiration that I am feeling clear to me and others…
But you are not talking, and You say that You do not talk. I talk. You provide the inspiration and then I set the intention. I love when we can dialogye like this, God.
Can i lay my worries down for a bit and talk about important things? Can I plug into the truth of the universe and flow with it? I am feeling playful and alive and I don’t know how on Earth I am feeling this way given my current situation, but I’m gonna flow with.
Today, I am going to pretend that anything is possible. I’ll take off the victim hat now. I think I’d like to experience some peace, harmony, love, and abundance now. You say I set the intention, right? So let’s do this. Let’s practice faith. What else are we gonna do? Cry about everything.
No more of that. Let’s practice faith even if we are crying, because really, we can’t control the things we can’t control. I taught yoga to young children for a brief period of time and I remember I taught them this song “My mind’s made up with everything thought. To do the best I can with what I’ve got!”
I’m gonna do that today. Now you know this is just talk God. Can you help me please so that I can move from talk to action? Things in me and things in the world scare me sometimes and I want to retreat to my bed and my room. Can you help me so that when I get scared, I can still remember that anything is possible or I can at least pretend that I believe that and figure out a course of action from that foundation?
I’m back in Cali and from where I am, I have to build a life. I see the gift in this now, the gift in having to start from zero. If you can start from zero and build the kind of life you want for yourself, then you become able to walk with confidence in any situation. This is where faith comes from. This is where spiritual strength comes from. This is the good stuff, so thank you, God, for this good stuff that I am learning.
The sun is already up and the day is buzzing. My intention today is to take at least one step in the direction of: peace, harmony, abundance, and love, and I already know what I’m going to do. Peace: talk to sis about a conflict we had. Harmony: talk to one of my friends that I’m rebuilding a harmonious relationship with. Abundance: apply for a better job and submit one writing submission. Love: I’m looking forward to giving someone a great big hug today and receiving that person’s embrace.
Reaching out into the world, into the many layers of connectivity that bind us all. Peace, harmony, abundance and love is my foundation for the day. Building a life again. Intentional this time. Strong and kind on purpose. Giving and receiving on purpose. Compassionate. Building a life from the qualities you build from, God… My life is a good life. My life is a peaceful life. My way is a holy way. My experience is love.
Accepting that I am worthy of it all…
Ameen.
Day 153
Building A Life
i dont want to be alone anymore… Now I see why old people just like to sit on porches and talk to folks. it’s the best thing ever.
back from the Bahamas. at mom’s house. back in Cali tomorrow. Dark things are coming to the surface and I just let them pass through. anxiety about what the future holds. this past week in the Bahamas has been so full of light and love and aliveness. It was so wonderful to be around good friends. It was all so wonderful…
I don’t think Dream Lover is going to make it to the finish line. He’s not even running the race, but instead, he’s sitting in a corner somewhere holding himself, scared to lose. It’s okay. Everyone has their own path. I’m ready to experience other things now, though, and he doesn’t seem to be willing to face his demons at this point in his life. People and deep connections are important to me now, and I don’t want to be alone anymore…
Funny thing is, I didn’t realize how alone I was until this past month or so when I experienced the opposite. Let me clarify. i haven’t been so-called alone, but sometimes you can be surrounded by people and not really connect with anyone. During my Bahamas trip, I actually connected with the people I was with. It was so free and easy. It was just so easy to be myself and we (my guest and my friend who I met up with in the Bahamas) thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company… I was the opposite of alone and I see that my life back home is not filled with these kinds of experiences.
I am apprehensive about how I am going to go back to my little life after experiencing so much joy. Actually, apprehensive is an understatement. Dark things are coming to the surface… vacation over. back to reality.
closing my eyes so i can see better… prayer is what i need right now, God. the real kind. i have seen the kind of life i want to live. i have tasted it. i thought it was just a dream, but it was real. it was me. i have the pictures to prove it. that was me smiling so big. that was me with real friends. that was me with a man i loved. that was me doing fancy things in fancy places… and now i’m going back home. and none of that stuff is there.
this isn’t so easy for me. to know how good life can be, to know how good life has been, and to know that where i am going, those things I loved are no longer there.
slow and steady, You say. slow and steady… I need your help on this one, God. Dark things are coming to the surface and the future looks kind of bleak from where I’m standing…
breathing… what a change in perception. i didn’t realize how much i missed human connectivity. it’s been a long time. i have been so alone for such a long time, missing out on the subtle things that pass between humans, the sheer joy that comes from having a true companion that accepts you just the way you are. i have been missing out on the good human stuff. i am grateful, God. I see. life can be a marvelous thing. i am so grateful…
moving forward, i know that things are going to change. you can not go back to darkness once you have seen the light, and so I don’t know what’s going to happen back in Cali, or even how long I will be there from this point forward, I only know that something wonderfully special has been awakened within me. It is the true desire to live a good life. And I mean a good life. I know that it is real now. It’s not just a fantasy.
things that I can’t control are important to me now, like friendships and relationships and community and love and abundance. this new part of life is something different altogether and i am an amateur at this good stuff and this intentional relationship stuff and this vulnerable stuff. i know i will learn with your grace, God. i am choosing faith instead of fear…
the dark things have come to the surface and they are being transmuted by the light, but i realize that i and everyone i have crossed paths with on this journey called life are not walking at the same pace. sometimes i am ahead, and sometimes they are. and it is okay. i am walking step by step with those who choose to walk with me, and God, I am afraid that I might have to walk alone at times… It was so nice to walk with others…
But it’s okay. I am a grown-up now. i can do this. From glory to greater glory. From light to brighter light i am not stopping. You said You are for me and not against me and I’m taking Your word for it… I’m gonna’ keep on walking…
Day 152
Towards The Light
Good morning blog world/diary/journal/God,
I’ve missed talking to you. I’ve been going through a lot of changes and haven’t really been clear about what to write about. I’m in the Bahamas right now, taking my trip that I won on that game show… I keep winning stuff and the hotel staff here is super nice to us, treating us as VIP guests. My companion says I’m lucky…
The Bahamas is cool, beautiful like you see on TV. The whole commonwealth consists of 700 + islands, twenty-something of which are inhabited, and there’s two sides to it, an island called Paradise Island, which is what most people think of when they say the Bahamas, and then rest of the Bahamas. Paradise Island is a manufactured paradise, with a casino, all the water sports, a water park, huge fancy villas, houses and hotels, spotless streets, beach upon beach, and aqua blue water. Most of the people there are tourists or people from abroad. The rest of the Bahamas is mostly occupied by the natives. They have little parts of towns that are glamourous and set up for the tourists, and then the rest is just like any other non-western country… I don’t really have an opinion on this place… The natives are funny and flirty towards us…
I don’t want to talk about the Bahamas this morning, though. I have a well of emotion rising up in me for some reason. Dream Lover got scared. We’re taking a break from each other. It’s funny how we switched places. He now feels inadequate and feels like I’m too good for him. He’s now horrified of being vulnerable and getting disappointed. He is not ready to have what he truly wanted right now. I’m not scared of much anymore and I have been and am continuing to build myself up so that I can actually accept the things I say I want. It’s funny, because he thought he was ready. It happens like that some times. He hasn’t been MIA for too long, and I think I miss him, but I’m not sure… Being with him was like such a wonderful dream. If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it happened. it sure did change my life, though.
In the past, this would be the point where I get depressed and go cry and be like, “oh, why me. I thought he was the one. Now how can I be sure about anything in life?” I went through that phase already, and am still going through it, but I don’t feel like oh why me this time. I feel like “thank you, God”. Uh huh. Maybe he is still the one, but maybe not. I love him to death, but this kind of love I want is only for the brave, and I am of the brave. I know that now. I’m not sure if he’s gonna make it past his fears at this point in his life, but I know that I’m I hella brave and I’m ready to give and receive deep love right now. We’ll see if he can keep up…. Thank you, God. Thank you for this wonderfully magic summer and this wonderful life. Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me to see what I really think is important in this life… I know more about who I am now. Thank you, God…
It’s not about money or traveling or ambition per se for me. It’s not about getting and having the fancy stuff. For me, life is about the little things, like intentional kindness even when you are upset. True forgiveness. Shameless loving. Uninhibited expression. Creativity. Bold spiritual inquiry. Action on your deepest desires. Balance. And oh, connectivity. We have come a long way, and like my four-month-old nephew, we are not cry babies anymore. We can sit still and just smile about nothing in particular, while still being true to ourselves and our needs… We can learn from our past without throwing temper tantrums and acting out of anxiety. The lesson is not to stop trusting people or to stop wanting the things you said you wanted. Look deeper. Look for the real lesson. Look for the good lesson in the exchange. That’s how you grow. Because it never ends. You don’t stop wanting what you want just because you repress your desires and get all mad and bitter about it. You just turn into a porcupine when you do that. You might as well figure out how to grow up and be happy now, or else you’ll just keep being sad…
I am not afraid of much anymore, and when I am not afraid of much, my lucky self kicks in, and so I’m expecting luck now and success in my endeavors. You say that’s okay, God, and that’s all right with me. Thank you for being on my team. I Love You. I know it doesn’t mean much to You. You say, yes it does, so I’ll say it again. Thank you, God, for blessing me and changing my mind so that life is actually something that I like participating in…
I’m gonna go now. Start my day and stuff. Say my prayers. Do my hair. I want to do some work today and put my feet in the ocean. I get to see one of my long lost friends today, and that’s exciting! It’s finally okay with me to be okay. I feel all right with it. I actually feel compelled to be okay, like that’s part of the way you heal the world. You can’t go around trying to give people guidance and help and stuff if your all f*cked up inside. Well, you can, but you know what I’m saying.
So that’s it. That’s my writing comeback. Not the strongest, but I don’t mind if you don’t. We’re grown ups now. Let’s cut the bulsh*t and be happy already. If you’re willing to do some work and face those rotten demons, if you use your experiences to expand yourself rather than contract, happiness can actually be an option… Peace and Blessings.
Day 151
Stop Crying About It
Dream Lover is sick as a dog…
Trying to find my center… Sometimes I doubt this way of living, from the inside out. Sometimes I wish I could plug into something, a religion, a cultural doctrine, anything to tell me what to do with myself. My momma. I’m unplugged from everything, yet I don’t feel lost. Why not, God? You say I’m not lost, but who are You anyway? Is it really you talking to me, God, or just my mind playing tricks? No answer…
How do you decide how to live a life? What are the rules? The other day, one of my siblings asked me if I’m a believer. She wanted to know because she wanted to know if it was okay for her to come to me for help. According to her faith, she shouldn’t go to unbelievers for help. I’m not even mad at her. She’s trying to live life according to a particular doctrine. It must be a lot easier. When I was talking to her, I was thinking, “how nice it must be to have a guidebook on life…”
I don’t have any rules or guidebooks. I tried them before, but they didn’t work out too well for me. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t make certain things make sense to me and I couldn’t help but feel like a liar and a hypocrite when I was walking in one direction in life, but not really believing in it… And they say lean not on your own understanding, but what else can you lean on when it’s time to make a choice? What else can you lean on from stage one, when you are deciding which book to take as your guide if any at all?
We’ve been talking here for a while (or not) God, and I haven’t been able to hear you clearly for a while. I don’t really know what to do next, in any form or fashion. My room cocoon is wonderful, but I know I have to come out of here much sooner than later, and come back to the world, but I am so different now. I am so changed. What happened? I don’t even know myself anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true… What’s true is that I don’t even care about the things I used to care about.
I don’t care about money anymore or fame or making anyone proud. I still think my writings could help a lot of people and I enjoy writing and for that reason I’m still going to get them out, but they are just not that important to me anymore. You say I am in a good place, but God, I’m not even sure if It’s You talking to me, or just my own thoughts Do You see??? Of course You do. Guide me, please. I surrender now.
I surrender… Take me into the depths of truth, Lord. Take me into the depths of Life. It is okay with me now. I am strong enough. I’m a grown up now. It’s okay if I’m alone sometimes or confused. I think it will be worth it. I think this is my destiny. I guess at some point you have to trust something… There is no way to prove whether there is a God or what that even means or if you hear voices or see spirits or what is right or wrong… It goes really deep.
All there is is you. And what you hear. And what you see. And what you do. And whether what you hear and see and do and be reflects who you are… I surrender now, God. I surrender to who I really am. Please be with me…
Day 150
Surrender
How long is a day, anyway?
Life goes like that sometimes. You make more progress in two weeks than you have made in two years, and other times, one year is so much the same that it feels like only a day has passed.
I’m back in Cali. Back in my apartment. The birds are chirping in the trees outside of my window. The windows are open and a breeze flows through the house. I ate good this morning. Some people invited me to 4th of July stuff… I am so easy to please. This is all I need. This and an outlet to express myself…
I have so much to talk about that I don’t know where to start. In two weeks, I have made more progress than I have made in two years. What’s probably more true is that I have been making progress all along, but I have finally started to see concrete results in the past two weeks.
So, I’m sitting here in my room, recovering from a really taxing journey back home, and I’m wondering what to do next. All doors are open. I don’t know how I got to this place, but I know that from where I am in consciousness, I can literally do anything, God willing. I am not in survival mode anymore.
Somehow I know that rent will always get paid and food will always be there. I know that wounds will heal and there are enough nice people in the world for me to always have some companion of sorts if I want it. I’m not afraid of rejection anymore. It happens. It’s a part of life, but it doesn’t matter too much, because people only have as much power over you as you give them. Someone will accept you. It just doesn’t make any sense that any of us would be created on this earth to be entirely alone, as weird and strange as we all might be…
I think we have been tricked. Scammed. We spend a big portion of our lives just trying to survive. For the longest part of my life, my only objective was to get a big house for my mom. That was it. Everything else I did in life was for that end. I don’t think anything is wrong with having goals and aspirations, but I think that we get caught up in the doing and having and we forget what life is really about. Perhaps we are so busy that we never even stop to ask what our lives are really about. Surely my sole purpose on Earth was not to just get a house for my mom. Surely there must be more.
So, I’m sitting here having a bit of an existential awakening. Dream Lover is rich and he has all of the connections that I need to take my work to the next level. He even has connections and opportunities that I never thought of. He is willing to give me a bunch of money and hook me up whether or not I ever marry him or have sex with him. He’s that kind of guy. A philanthropist of sorts. I’ve seen him do this kind of thing to other people, sponsor them, so I know he will do it for me. He has already started. So, all problems are solved now. Money? Check. Food? Check. Housing? Check. Avenues for expressing my work? Check. Healthy relationships? Check, check, and check.
There. Now what? God, you gave me everything I ever asked for and now I don’t know what to do with myself. You see, my whole life has been about struggling and trying to get these things, and I can see that so many people’s lives are about the exact same things, but what will you do once you get them? I think that’s where the real living starts. Outside of the survival zone, and I see God, that this is where my real work starts. Oh, I know, I’ve been working all along, but everything I have done thus far has been preparing me for this time now. I can feel it. I can see it. It all makes sense to me now. I had to be in these places so I could get rid of my arrogant, judgmental attitude. I had to learn about compassion and connectivity some kind of way, and i am still learning. I had to know what it meant to give of yourself on purpose and I had to learn how to protect myself from those who don’t have my best interest at heart and also how to trust that I am good…. I am still learning things. Life is a process. But I feel ready now. I feel able to do something good and beautiful with my life now.
Call me crazy, but I’m not worried about how I’m going to do what I’m here to do. If God puts something in you, of course He is going to provide a way for you to do it. You just have to trust and walk as you are led. So here we go, God. Thank you so much for so much. Let’s get to living!
Day 149
Outside Of The Survival Zone
Hitting the road in a bit. Back to LA, back to life, back to reality, except I don’t think I’m going back to my old reality at all. Everything has really changed a lot.
Thank you for a wonderful summer so far, God. I’ve gotten to see so many different worlds and be around so many wonderful people. This has been fantastic, and it’s not even over. Wow.
Dream Lover and I made a lot of progress these past two weeks. He’s something special. Yesterday I saw him perform for the first time. He’s great. We were in a little hippy town in the middle of nowhere. Everyone knew each other and the kids were playing guitars and singing songs about being free. I’ve only seen things like this in the old movies.
One of the ladies there was throwing this big community event, and Dream Lover was one of the performers. He was so full of energy, and he has such a gentle way about him. I was standing in the audience watching him, wondering how did I get a man like this. He had so much energy and he was so alive… And he could dance!!! How did I get a man like this, God? How did I get a life like this? He’s perfect for me…
My family and I had a conference call and we talked about things that we want to do overseas to help the world. My family is really great. We are going to work together. I am going to take my place and lead some stuff and it doesn’t feel like a burden this time. It feels like an honor. It feels like such an honor to be alive…
So, nothing to complain about today, God. No problems. Clean heart. Clean conscience. Peace in my mind. Feeling able. Actually, knowing that I am able and safe and protected. Feeling lucky to have the opportunity to love and be loved. The opportunity is always there, man or not. He asks me to help him grow, teach him how to express himself and help him to love me. He’s not used to this kind of thing, he says… I’m an expert at the love thing and he’s an expert at everything else. I think we make a good team. We both like avocados and peanut butter and we both smell the pillowcases whenever we sleep on someone else’s bed. Lol… Thank You, God, for this new chapter.
Sorry I don’t have anything fancy or inspirational or witty to say today. I’m just my simple self today, but I still wanted to reach out anyway. You don’t have to be cool to be happy, and you don’ t have to be bad to be good. Have a blessed day.
Day 148
You Don’t Have To Be Cool
