Day 161 – Harvest Time

7 am on a Saturday morning. The weather is changing and I had to close the windows and get a blanket to snuggle in as I write. Soon I will have to turn on the heater.

Seasons are changing. The other day I bought a new phone. I have been using a very outdated “stick” phone for a very long time, and I love my little phone. It’s simple and it has easily pushable buttons, but it couldn’t receive pictures or graphic messages, so I’ve been planning on getting a new one for some time..

The thing is, a little while ago, Dream Lover had told me he was going to get me new phone. I have been secretly waiting for him to knock on my door one day, phone and all other unfulfilled promises in hand… I realize that me getting my own phone means that it’s the real beginning of the end. I’m not waiting for him any more.

The seasons are changing. I have actually been working diligently towards finishing projects, one at a time, and I’m seeing progress. Go figure.

Something interesting happened to me earlier this week. I was driving in rush hour and I needed to stop at the bank. There was a parallel parking spot beside a car dealership across the street from the bank, and so I pulled forward so that I could park in it. Well, as I pulled forward, the car behind me pulled right up to my bumper so that I couldn’t back up and park. Then he started honking at me. I looked out of my window and gestured for him to go around, but he shook his head “no”. Then he just sat there and continued to beep at me. We were blocking traffic and the cars behind us started to beep, but I was determined not to move and let this jerk win…

After the light changed about two times and both of us were still sitting in the same place, a guy from the car dealership walked up to my car. He had a soothing voice and asked me how I was feeling. Then he asked me if I would please just park in the car dealership lot… So I breathed and I did. After going to the bank, I came back to my car and chatted with the guy… He kept looking into my eyes. At the end of the conversation, he asked if he could pray for me, and I said he could, and so he prayed for me. He prayed that all of my dreams would come true and he reminded me that everything I was trying to do wasn’t about me. He said that I was going to be blessed with a lot of success, but that I was going to be blessed so that I could bless others. Then after he prayed, he said, “It’s gonna happen, and not because I said so”.  He said he was just a messenger and my destiny was already written… I’m just now realizing how sweet that experience was as I’m writing about it. He could have been a crazy nut or a real messenger or just a man wanting to hold my hand, but he took the time out to pray for me, to comfort me, and to take me out of the rage road state of mind that I was in. He did it on purpose, and he was just a stranger… Thank you God, for kindness and compassion.

I got invited to a couple events this weekend, one of which is a Native American harvesting ceremony. I was going to sit in the house and sulk around, but my friend coaxed me to come on out into the sunshine and participate in life with other people. I have friends. Thanks God.

I am realizing that Dream Lover will probably never come back. It doesn’t even matter why. The truth of the matter is, it has nothing to do with me. And I am beyond sad. Not devastated or disappointed. Not even heartbroken. Not numb or angry or despairing. I am just accepting, God, but this feels worse of all, because it means that there is nothing anymore… I know there will be a new man, probably sooner than later, but at last I have come to the place where the shiny new stuff doesn’t dazzle me so much. Who would have thought that me, miss run around the earth, would actually be interested in staying still and settling down with one thing? I had actually finally learned to love and accept an entire person, flaws and all, and I was looking forward to practicing this kind of love. Wow. I think I finally know the ingredients of the kind of relationship I would like…

“You are strong in spite of your timid smile”, You whisper to my Spirit. You are able. In fact, you are more than able. You have endeavored to recreate your entire identity from sad to happy. From sick to well. You have dared to discover and bring out the joy in you and the good in you and oh, you have even dared to do it in public, and the dark forces that have surrounded you are very upset, but they cannot survive in the light you are stepping into. You have been to Heaven and hell and back. Do you see how lucky you are? Most do not make it out of hell, nor do they want to come down from heaven, but you, sweet Laydie, have been to both and you have chosen to stay here, in the joy, in the sadness, in the ebb and flow that is life on earth. And in your journey, you are becoming wise…

Good job. it’s okay to give yourself credit. you deserve it. good job, Laydie. wobbling, you are learning to walk in your new identity, but soon you will be running and eventually you will fly! do you believe it?

there is no pressure at this point. the good stuff is not about pressure and strain. it is not about forcing situations or people to be one way or the other. the good stuff is about accepting, relaxing, and acting on what you know. there is a profound amount of trust and faith that you must demonstrate, and you are doing it. everyone in your circle will not be able to walk beside you, and it’s okay. this is your journey, and they are on theirs…

We have done a lot of cleaning and clearing and We have planted some new seeds, even without you knowing. In your Spirit, you have asked to become Yourself, and We have heard your cries. We have seen the work you are doing. It was not all in vain. All of it, even this moment now, is not in vain. Now, like the ceremony you are about to go to, it is harvest time. It is time to let the dead rest, give thanks for it, and step into the new. Your new phone is a good thing. Your new life is a good thing. It’s Harvest time…

Day 161

Harvest Time