Ooooh Weee…
Feeling like I have literally been through the storm. October was rough. I remember this song from when I was younger “But baby sweet November… Will bring us back the love that we both knew”. Is there something special about November? I hope so.
I moved into a new place today. It’s temporary until I can go back to my apartment in a couple of weeks, but I’m glad I’m here. I was having a hard time deciding what to do next. Really, I’m not usually that indecisive. But I just didin’t know what to do, because everything seemed like it had come crashing down to nothing.
“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together” – Marilyn Monroe
I made it through yesterday. Can I tell you something interesting? Yesterday I got an email from a producer. I submitted my song, that I’m so proud of, to him so that he could consider it for the upcoming album of a particular singer. He wrote me an email, saying that he liked the song, but that it wasn’t right for said singer’s album at the moment. He also encouraged me to keep writing and said that things might change. I was crushed. The news came on top of a job rejection and was followed by an argument about nothing with Mr. New Guy. When I got home, I was hurting physically. I mean, my feelings were really hurt, but I was physically hurting too. I had to move out of my temp place, because I couldn’t afford it, and I really didn’t know where to go. I have some friends and family here, but I hate asking for stuff, and I didn’t want to go sublet a stranger’s place anyway…
So, I did what I do when I don’t know what to do. I cried and went to sleep. And then I woke up. It’s amazing how we usually wake up after sleeping, even if we don’t want to. I was really disturbed about my argument with New Guy, who is really Old Guy. You know what he said? He was trying to convince me that he’s always right about everything, and he said to me, “Over the past years, you’ve changed, but I haven’t changed at all”, as if to say that me changing meant that I had to modify my behavior and, of course, that meant that everything he had done in the past was right… So when I woke up, and my heart was still hurting, I thought about his comment. Wow. I had changed. For the better. He said it. He hadn’t changed at all. He said it. There was nothing else for us to talk about.
I was tired, you know? Really tired of things being so hard. Of all the conflict. I was tired of trying to convince people to like me and be nice to me and pick me. I was tired of myself and my life, because I just seemed to be trying so hard, but not really getting anywhere. Like I’d almost get somewhere and then disaster would strike. But he had said that I had changed… Wow.
So this morning, instead of sleeping my life away, I got up and packed my things. And I thought about the one person I knew in town who was actually kind on purpose and open to receiving kindness. This person’s ego wasn’t too big for apologies or forgiveness, and he wasn’t so caught up in his own life that he couldn’t see others. Going back to my momma wasn’t an option. Running to some dude wasn’t an option. Homeless shelters just didn’t seem appetizing and the thought of subletting made my head hurt, so I texted this nice friend of mine and asked if I could come stay with him for a while. And he said yes. And here I am.
And when my landlord came to move me out, he brought me some cupcakes, and he is so vibrant that he lights up the room. And then I checked the webpage of the singer who I wanted to sing my song, and I found that she had postponed her album altogether (she made the announcement today) so that she could do some soul searching. And this apartment has a parking space just outside of the apartment, so I don’t have to park a mile away.
And I don’t know anything about a man or a job or income or selling stuff or finishing stuff or where I will finally paint my walls at. I don’t know where this ends, God, but I know I want to see it out. One of my friend’s suggested that the world might actually be ending this year and I’m not ready yet. I still want to be here. I still want to live. I know that in the course of 24 hours, or twelve hours, or two hours, one’s life can change for the better or the worse or the better again, and we can’t always control the way things go, try as we may. But we can choose to get up, even in our weakest moments. We can choose to just see what’s gonna happen. Maybe we will die. Maybe we will live. Maybe someone will give us a cupcake or maybe we will give someone else just that one word that keeps them going.
I don’t know where this ends, but I’m willing to stick around to see…
Day 183
See It Through
Vulnerability. Balance. Grace. Connectedness. Love. Forgiveness. The miracle of a life…
Things on my mind. The miracle that happens when you step out of your house and engage with the world. The upheaval that happens when you truly say you want to change and mean it. The grace that keeps you from falling apart when you are bold enough to open up your life and dare to hope and try again even after disappointment.
Life is truly a blessing, even in the midst of living.
I can write a really good movie now. I have something to write about. I have a lot to write about…
The lady at my job interview today asked me what my five year plan was… I couldn’t tell her that it’s been almost five years since I’ve even thought about a five year plan, so I just made something up. I don’t think she believed me, and that’s ok. I”m glad she put that idea in my mind. The right source of income is making it’s way to me even now, so I’m not even tripping. I believe in miracles…
The new guy, who’s actually a guy that I met years ago but never made it past a couple dates with, serenaded me in person today. Like literally took me to a park, sat under a tree, played a guitar and sang to me. I was sitting there thinking, Is this me? What’s going on here? Somebody is trying to be nice to me? What’s happening? I was all sad and stuff a couple weeks ago? What’s up with all this massive change? What’s up with all these people pulling at my heart strings lately?
I don’t get it. He’s gonna tell me to come stay with him. I already know. Why do they like me so quickly? I don’t want to trust it. Because they stop liking me just as fast. Or not. Or whatever. They like me, but they disappear anyway. Or cheat. Or lie. You know my heart can’t handle all that anymore, God, and You say I don’t have to go through that any more. I’m a different me. I trust people who have shown themselves trustworthy now. Good job. I’ve finally learned… Wow. I’ve finally learned…
So, it’s 11 o’clock at night. I haven’t done a real in-depth prayer in a while, and it’s about that time. This time seems to bear more weight than any other time since I started this blog. Everything looks the same, but it feels different. I know that the choices that I make in the next few days are going to determine the next few years of my life. I feel that. Like if I was in a movie, this would be the climax, and whatever I do now seems like it will determine the ending of the story, and I’d like it to be a good story. I’d like it to be a fantastic story. It would be so whack if I went on this whole journey only to have a luke warm ending…
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m coming back to you tonight, God. When I finish this blog (You know I need to write to sort things out sometimes), We need to talk, and I hope You will talk to me. You say You will, and I’m glad. I am so glad that I am finally getting to know You..
This is my life. This is Your life. It’s a good life. And it is such a precious thing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The pain really does go. The scars really do heal. The sense of panic subsides. The worry dissipates and we become confident in the knowledge that Life really is for us and not against us. We become warriors in the midst of it all. And heroes. And Lovers. And healers. We become ourselves and we can let go of the little injuries and insults that we have been holding to help us feel better than each other. We recognize that we are each other and in that realization, we can go forth lifting each other, and lifting ourselves, because if my life is better, then your life is better, and if your life is better, my life is better, and I’m not talking about the gathering of stuff. I’m talking about the inside things. I’m talking one being at peace with oneself. I’m talking about people having clean hearts. I’m talking about healings and trustings and lovings of one another. I’m talking about healing the world, because it starts with healing ourselves, and I get it now. You can’t teach a thing that you don’t know. Even when people don’t know the truth, they recognize a lie.
So that’s my scpill for tonight. You send me guidance all the time, God, and I don’t take a single moment of clarity for granted. I don’t take any of it for granted. It is an honor to be here…
Day 182
Grace
Good morning,
I’ve been up since late last night, but I’m not tired. I feel renewed. I talked to one of my favorite people in the world for about four hours last night, and then I felt invigorated, so I got up, scrubbed these floors for the first time, took a real good scrub down polish up everything bath, prayed for a long time, did some stretches, meditated, applied for a job, and now it’s 9:30 am. And I feel alive. And I want to talk about some things.
Actually, I’d like to talk about this being alone and this being broke down and this never having enough and feeling like we have to protect ourselves and fight everyone and this unhappiness thing that so many people (including me) seem to suffer from. It’s bogus. It’s a lie. It’s not the truth of your life, unless you choose it to be. I was sitting in my meditations today, and I stumbled upon something and I want to share it, but it’s not particularly clear in my mind yet, but I can feel it, and I will try to give you what I feel because I am really in a giving mood today.
These things that we strive for, they are already here. I know, once you spit it out of your mouth it’s hard to believe, so let me try again. For a long time, I have been struggling and scraping and crying and asking and begging and hoping for things to be different in my life, and today, when I sat down to pray, I looked at myself. This begging woman had become my identity. I had had other identities at other times in my life, but “Begging, Crying, Underemployed, Unfulfilled, Full of Potential, Sh*tty Man Loving Woman” has pretty much been the most recent manifestation of myself.
No, that’s not what I want to say. Let me try again, because I’m trying to share something, and it’s not about me. It’s bigger than me. I will not let the cloudiness in my mind blind me from the light. I will speak what is in me. Lord, I open up to see and say the truth of this feeling. There’s a lot going on here. More than we know.
What I know is that we actually have choices. All the time, independent of our circumstances. It can be tricky, because you have to believe in choices in order to see them. Today, I saw that I didn’t have to be this other woman any more, this person that I have been for the past few years, this almost me. I could actually be the real me, and I know it sounds silly, but this is a realization for me. I actually know who the real me is. I’ve just been stuck on that other version of me for some time, but I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. The real me doesn’t beg and she’s pretty radiant. She always has enough money and she’s not just full of potential. She actually does stuff with her potential. The real me isn’t scared of too much and she’s really strong and sensitive at the same time. That’s why she can relate to so many, because she feels stuff deep. And the men? Well the real me was never somebody to hang around with folks who bring her down. Of course there are other aspects of myself, and I think I’ve gotten to know them over time, but I’m talking about the real me, the me in my soul. I got reintroduced to the real me this morning.
I had been letting all of this “stuff” cloud my vision. All of this stuff can really get in the way. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be hard to be yourself. It doesn’t have to be a war. I mean, if you’re not used to being yourself or if you haven’t been yourself in a while, you will probably experience some resistance and something in your life will probably fall apart, but it’s a blessing! It’s a blessing. You are coming into integrity with yourself. It is a sign of movement. Don’t get all scared and stop. Rest if you need to or cry or punch a wall or whatever, but don’t stop if you can help it. Let the real you come through.
I don’t have the words this morning. I just have the feeling, but the words will come some other time. It’s ok with me and I hope it’s ok with you… I wanted to share anyway, and I hope you will catch what I’m feeling. The outside things will come. You watch. I’ll tell you soon. The outside things will come, but it starts on the inside. It starts with a decision and deep commitment. You are worth it. Your life is worth it. I am crying tears of joy and every sad moment, every so-called disappointment, every heartbreak, every lost hair and every adventure I have been on is worth it for this moment that I can stand here, no matter what is going on, and I can smile with every part of me. I can get up and do stuff! I can still share even from where I am now and no one, nothing can bring me down. Nothing can really me down, because I am a bringer upper, and I know that’s not a word! And yet I know that it’s still good…
My life is worth something. Your life is worth something just because… Ameen.
Day 180
When The Real You Shines Through
Life is so interesting. Everything seemed like it was falling apart and now it’s not. This has been quite a week.
The people who hit my car accepted liability and now I have a free rental car and my car is getting fixed. Someone just paid me back a debt that I had long forgotten about, and now I will have enough money to at least give me some options for a while and allow me to eat the kind of food I like. Yesterday, I spent the day with a friend I haven’t seen in over two years and I enjoyed every moment of it… It was really nice. And I have neighbors that I actually like. They say hi and talk to you instead of leaving little post-it notes around… Last night, one of my family members stopped by and surprised me by dropping off a deliciously cooked meal…
I’m a little overwhelmed with all the good stuff and the drastic changes in such short time. I’m a little surprised that life can be full of support. I was kind of preparing to fall apart and be all lonely and stuff, but it’s not happening that way. I am experiencing help and love and friendship and family and support and connectivity and this is so cool. It’s pretty amazing for a girl like me…
I don’t have anything profound to say today. I just wanted to write because I Love writing and I miss it when I don’t do it… Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of all of this is. What are we doing here? Running around like little ants trying to find ways to make ourselves feel worthwhile. They always said that I think too much, but I can’t help it. I can’t pretend that I don’t see what I see. I mean, I can pretend, but I really don’t want to anymore. Pretending doesn’t make the truth go away…
Today I am thinking about what to do next. I am nowhere. I have been running and floating and doing temporary things for a while. Temp jobs. Temp relationships. Temp housing. As if I am biding my time waiting for the real thing to happen. I have been waiting for someone outside of me to tell me what the real thing is, and no one ever knows what your “real thing” is if you don’t. I always thought that I’d get a man and then he’d tell me what to do. Then I’d stop having a temp life and settle into a full-time job and a long-term relationship and a permanent place, but it doesn’t work like that for me. Because a man can only tell you what to do if you let him, and if you don’t know what to do, or if your ambition is to be a support for a man’s dream, that’s cool and that works, but that’s not me. And I keep getting these bossy men trying to tell me what to do (and that’s what I asked for), but then I realize (and they realize, too) that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do. I know what I want to do, and I don’t really want a boss or a father or a son. I’d like a partner who knows what he wants to do as well, and I’d like us to help each other do what we came to do…
I think I have come to a true crossroads now. I’ve had little ones before, but this time feels a little weightier, because there is no one to blame. There is no little sis to consider or no man to plan around. There are no major obligations forcing me to work here or there. My family is no longer hovering over me trying to tell me what to do. In fact, they respect my ability to choose… And so, there is only me now. There’s only me to blame, and only me to consider, and it’s a strange place to be, because I haven’t really explored life from this perspective before, without thinking of trying to make my momma proud or without doing things so that I’ll be available for some man or able to help some person…
God, I am coming to you on bended knee with bowed head. The other day some folks told me that there are different Gods and that all the different names are different entities, and I don’t know about all that. I don’t want to talk to the different names and the different entities. I want to talk to the boss of it all. So I don’t know what to call You so that You will hear me, but I know that You exist and You are more than Me. You are Everything and You are the Inspiration that sits behind a life well lived and I am calling on You now, because this next move is the real deal and I’m doing it on my own. Will you talk to me, God? Because I am endeavoring to live a life of pure choice now, and I’m a woman and they teach us that women don’t do these things without men, but I don’t have a man, and so I can’t just sit around and be sorry and be blown by the wind anywhere or I can’t just wait for a man to define me and tell me what my life should be about, and so I’m coming to You, because I need to know which direction to walk in when it’s just me. What do I do now? There are so many options…
-What would you like to do? Don’t say you just want to be happy, because You already are…
There are a lot of things that I’d like to do. I’ve done some of them, but the other things include people. I can’t just do them by myself. Where will I live and who will I have a family with?
-Let’s do one thing at a time. You don’t have to be in survival mode, but your world has a system and you live in it. So, you have gotten out of survival mode in your mind. But you still need to survive. Allow yourself a lofty income. You can do it. It’s easy for you. And continue with your completions. One thing at a time.
And where should I live?
-Live where you are. You like it there. Create a life you love to look at. You are already doing it and fine tuning your skills. Now you say the prayer. Define your new home, and I will bring it to You. Don’t you see that I have always been there for you? Don’t you see the miracles that are constantly happening in Your life? Will you trust Me a little more now?
Yes.
– So, We have two three things to work on now. Completions of your projects, lofty income, and fine tuning your vision of what you really want. The man will come, dear. He’s just waiting for you to catch up to yourself… Are You ready?
Yeah.
– Good. I know you will get there. Good job, now. Good job…
Day 179
On Your Own
Good morning…
Where shall I start? I have so much to say today… Let me set an intention… Lord, in my heart and in my mind and in my soul there is so much to share. I’d like to share it in a way that will be good for all who read, and good for me. Let me share it in that way, please. I accept. Ameen…
Good morning again. Today I woke up at 3 to the sound of the buses on the street and I was glad that they have become my new alarm clock, waking me at the hour that I love to be up. Yesterday I found out that Dream Lover has a young son that he had never told me about and the news almost broke me. It had been a really challenging week already and this little tidbit of information, along with other things going on, almost sent me on an existential crises again. But it didn’t.
This had not been the first time that some guy I had Loved had kept some really important secret from me. You know, they neglect to say, “Oh, by the way. I’M MARRIED.” Or, “yeah, I live with my baby mama and I just had another kid with her”. Or, “I know I told you that I want to be with you today, but just yesterday I was whoring around with my ex”… Yeah. These are the kinds of relationships I’ve had. So, yesterday, after finding out the news about another ex who had I had fallen in love with and then discovered that he had had a secret life all along, I had to take a look at myself and say, “It must be me. “Cus this kind of stuff doesn’t just happen to everyone over and over again.” So, I was sad. And I felt stupid. And I wondered what was wrong with me. And I wondered what was the point of even trying. And I was ready to pack up all my things and just give them away and just quit everything because I didn’t the see point of trying anymore. I figured it was just me, and no matter what I did, I was always gonna find myself in some f*cked up situation with some f*cked up man and life, because hey, something was wrong with me and that’s just what I did. So I almost quit…
And then I got a phone call. Four phone calls, actually, each one invalidated the belief that I was starting to form, the belief that I wasn’t sh*t and my life wasn’t sh*t and people weren’t sh*t, because each one of these four phone conversations was with someone who actually cared about others, all of these phone conversations were with people who give instead of take, and people who tell the truth instead of lie, and people who don’t need a trophy to do good and people who Love, or at least try to, and these four people, these four lovely human beings, were all men, and so I couldn’t start believing that all men were evil, because it wasn’t true. I knew some, I know some personally and in depth, who are good.
I’d like to tell you about one, though, because he is the only one of the four that lives close enough that I could see him on a daily basis if I wanted to… He is my new neighbor. I’ll just call him Neighbor. He is the one who gave me the key and took my money on the first night I moved into this temporary apartment, and we hit it off immediately. It was lively and fun talking to him and it was easy to be myself. And I was uplifted. And all relationships are not equal. Some people lift you up just by being around them and if you pay attention, you will notice the difference. On Sunday, when I met him, he had invited me to a dinner party at his house, and the party is today, but yesterday, he called to talk about some housekeeping things and we ended up having a long conversation. And he told me his story…
And that’s what it is about these hipster people. Many of them have deep understanding in their eyes, like they’ve seen a lot, but they don’t look sad, nor do they look like they are trying to be happy. They just look like they understand and they are open, I really like my new neighbors. Neighbor has been through some storms in his life, in a major way, he has seen much more “success” in the industry than me, and he crashed and burned as well. And now, his life is on purpose. He shares on purpose and he’s loud and open on purpose and he gives on purpose and he was pretty darn cool. He opened up and told me his secrets just like that and let himself be all vulnerable and it was the coolest thing I’ve experienced in a while. It was so inspirational. He is actually endeavoring to live a life of integrity, like for real for real. And he believes in authentic Spirituality. He used to a preacher on skid row and he just stepped down from that position to explore religion a little deeper… And he’s not down and out and broken and hopeless. He’s hopeful and strong and he’s doing it! I’m so proud of him… I found one! I found one like me! Someone crazy enough to tell strangers everything they have been through and think that it will make a difference in the world. It does! It makes a difference. It made such a difference to me last night. I’m not even going to tell you what he does or what the girl who I’m subletting this place from does, because it seems too good to be true right now, but I’ll just say that they are exactly the kind of people that I’ve been wanting to know…
And so, I started asking myself, what if things are happening exactly like they are supposed to? Yesterday the responsible party accepted liability for the car accident I was in, and I got a rental car. The rental car guy offered me a job at the rental car company, and I wasn’t gonna take it, but now I’m thinking, what if it’s exactly where I need to be? What if all of this was really a blessing. In my whole time in LA, I haven’t met people that I’ve liked this much, or if I have, I’ve never been invited to their dinner parties.
And I’m not even mad at Dream Lover for all of his deceit, and I don’t miss Mr. Almost Famous anymore and my other exes… Well, I let them all be. I don’t want to save them any more or pray for them or bust the windows out of their car or tell the public about how they really are. I just want my lessons to be learned. I accept that, God. I accept the completion of all of these lessons. To wait, and trust those who have proven themselves trustworthy. To value myself and know that I am worth courting. To expect and demand that the people I bring close to me are people who have shown that they care. To let myself be vulnerable and show my real face, knowing that I am safe. To spend time with folks because I like them, not because I’m trying to save them or do a thing out of a sense of some burdensome obligation. To share. To accept a person just as they are, and not look at them as some project to be fixed. To appreciate all the little acts of kindness and consideration. To make commitments and give success a fair chance before I back out. To be in the moment without the pressure of the future or the burden of the past. To enjoy and appreciate the mere company of someone that you feel alive with… I have learned all of these lessons from these men and I have no regrets. I am such a better woman because of them. I can let them be now. I am sure they have learned their own lessons from me, if they will accept them, but that’s not my business…
Today I’m looking forward. I feel like I’ve passed a major test over these past few weeks. I didn’t break! I took action in the middle of the storm! I let people help me and I let myself be vulnerable! I kept my smile on purpose and chose to share on purpose! And I listened to You, God. I didn’t run to the random men who are always ready to “comfort” a damsel in distress. I didn’t spend time with folks I don’t like, and I even told this one guy to stop trying to use me, and he went away. I am making it through the crossing! I am learning a kind of faith that I know will never be taken from me. I am not stopping! For once, I’m not stopping and I believe in myself again. You have no idea how thankful I am for this day. You have no idea…
Day 178
The Lessons Must Be Learned
So, it’s 8:20 am. I’ve been out of the house since 7. I woke up at 6 today and actually got up, got dressed, and got out of the house. It feels good to be up and out this early! I’m at Starbucks, blogging first and then I have a day of work planned! Who would of thought I would be so excited about work? But I am. I’m actually excited about not being depressed or scared and being able to do things that could possibly move me forward…
So here’s to life! And forward movement! Here’s to getting off the bed even if you’re wobbly and can’t breathe! Here’s to trying, just trying, to keep yourself together, in the midst of everything falling apart! Here’s to today being a good day…
We get to choose it over and over and over, and I’m sorry I keep saying the same thing, but I say it for myself, because I know I have to choose a good day over and over. Just like riding a bike. You have to do it over and over and over until you know it to the point where you know you won’t forget it. I’m redefining myself, so I have to choose this way of being over and over and over, no matter what is happening or not happening in my outside life…
Today I’m ready to put out. Ha! I’m actually gonna give it up! Hahaha… Not in that way. I mean I’m going to put myself out into the world, like apply for stuff and submit stuff again. No one will ever know who you are or what you do if you don’t show them and tell them. So that’s my new commitment. Maybe that’s why I’m so excited. I realize there is a lot to do, but just like losing weight or saving money, if you just do a little bit at a time every single day, then one day you will get to your destination. So, I can commit to at least doing one on one on one every single day. One creative submission, one income generating application, and one hour of working on at least one my projects. This is just a minimum, but, having been a teacher, I know that you have to set realistic goals that your pupil can accomplish, that way they don’t get overwhelmed and think a task is too big. I know that I can do one on one on one without having a panic attack, and I can do those things even if I feel sick or weak and even if I get in a car accident or some dude breaks my heart or even if I have to go to some job I hate. It’s only three hours a day maximum, and I can commit to doing that no matter what is happening in the world.
So that’s it for today. Yay me! Yay everything… I’m thankful today. I guess you have to get really broken down to be thankful for a day where your mind is clear and thankful for a day where you’re excited about life and thankful for a day where you feel safe in the world and thankful for a day where you know that your life might be worth something after all. So, I’m even thankful for experiencing hopelessness and despair, because I can look in people’s eyes now and see when they’re not okay. And I can talk to folks. I can be a comforter because I know what’s up with all that stuff with go through. Not all of it, but I think the sadness and the bitterness and the confusion and the unhappiness with one’s life is the same, no matter where it comes from and we manifest it in different ways, but it’s the same look in the eyes… I can hang out with the hipsters now and see them for the strength that they have to have in order to be able to be themselves and the depth of understanding in their eyes… I am thankful for this day, God.
I am thankful for you reading and being here with me. I really am. I’m gonna make you proud…
Day 177
Out Put
Good morning World,
I’m running a little late today, so this entry won’t be so long. I spent the first night in my temporary new place last night. It was cool. I slept well. I’ve never lived in this part of town before, and it’s a very active part. I actually think it’s the perfect place I need to be right now, because right now is the time that I need to be active.
It’s funny, Elizabeth Gilbert said it in “Eat, Pray, Love”. Different places really do have different vibes. This place says, “Get up and Get out” (like get outside) and that’s really what I need to do at this point in my life. The people here are what you would call “hipsters”. Tight pants with boots, hats, piercings and tatoos. They read a lot of books and many of them come from educated families. They are artistically inclined and social activists of sorts. They use Dr. Bonner’s soap, but do drugs or whatever makes them feel good. It’s a different kind of world, but I like it for now. I got invited to a dinner with a bunch of folks that I already hit it off with. That’s at the end of the week, but before then, I think I’ll get some real work done.
I didn’t break down yesterday. My body doesn’t feel so bad. I got help moving in. This is a busy, metropolitan part of town, so the buses get going right before the crack of dawn and they woke me up right on time. Perhaps I am exactly where I need to be. Not in the ghetto in my old apartment where everyone seems broken and hopeless and not where I was the past couple of days where people are affluent, but passive. This get up and go place motivates me to get up, get out of the house and take some action.
Wow. I actually didn’t break down and run to whoever. I’m proud of myself. Thank you, God, for taking me through yesterday and helping me. I’m not alone, and that’s good to know. I just have to open my mouth and ask the people who care about me for help and let them help me. My brain works, and that’s good to know. I have a safe place to sleep and the motivation to get things done. I have a community of potential friends, just like that, and that’s good to know. This is actually becoming slightly exciting, and that’s good to know too. And maybe even my lack of a man at this juncture in my life is a good thing too, because I am learning that I don’t need a man to save me. I am learning the difference between allowing people to support you and making others feel like you are a burdensome obligation. It’s weird. People feel more inclined to help you when they know that you can help yourself. Go figure. The scholarships never go to the people who seem like they can’t live with out them, they go to the ones who seem like they are going to do something for themselves after they have been given a boost.
So thank you, God, for this day, for this reminder, for this realization, for this life. Thank you for all that has come and all that is yet to come. Today I set my intention again. I choose again. The same thing again. I choose to be happy and joyous. I choose peace of mind and harmonious relationships. I choose to express the ideas that are in me and share them with the world, if they are good for the world. I choose to be deeply connected with the Spirit that dwells in me and the Spirit that dwells in every living thing, and at the same, I choose to be safe from all that might harm me or deter me from my true path. Today I choose Love. Again. Again and again and again I choose Love. And I open my arms for Your support. I open my mind for Your guidance. I open my heart for Your Love and I allow my Spirit to receive Your inspiration.
Today I choose to follow directions and do the work I have been guided to do, and I allow it to be easy for me. I choose it to be easy. I dig deep and pull out and let go of everything that needs to be pulled out, everything that needs to be let go of, so that I may do the work that I am called to do, and I am sure that I am called to do this work, and so I do it. I do the work now. I’m choosing it. I know that You, Lord, will provide the way, and so I allow the way to be provided. I allow the work to be done. I allow my life to be my life. I make this prayer clear. I make this intention true. I allow it to come forth as my life and I focus. I can do that now…
Day 176
Focus
Good morning World,
I just got a text from my bank telling me about how much is in my account… Interesting…
I’m moving into a new place today. It’s just a temporary situation, until the end of the month, and then I’ll be able to go back to my apartment if I want to… I’m not sure if I want to, though. I’m not sure about much, y’all. My body is falling apart. My body is intertwined with everything else that happens in my life… Everything aches. Head, shoulders, stomach…
I have a friend who always teases me and says that I should be a motivational speaker or a preacher of sorts. Sometimes I give fake sermons when I’m talking to him. So yesterday, I was trying to give a fake sermon about what you do when you feel like you’re at your wit’s end. Or better yet, when you really are at your wits end. I couldn’t come up with an anything, though. Do you buckle down and focus and try to make a certain thing happen or do you let go of everything and let everything fall apart? God, You are telling me not to let everything fall apart. Instead, let everything come together. The answer is neither…
-At your wit’s end is just that: the end. But the end inevitably precedes the beginning. So let the end be the end and let the beginning be the beginning. Let your new life come together. Don’t quit this time, please. Don’t quit.
My friend told me that I am like a chicken finally coming out of it’s shell. I’ve come out and the new world seems scary and new and I have to use parts of me that I’ve never used before, so I’m trying to go back to the shell and piece it together, so I can be in a place that feels comforting and safe, but it won’t work. I’ve outgrown the shell, and even if I could piece it back together, I know what sunlight feels like, even a glimpse of it, and I would never be satisfied sitting in the dark again.
This is a challenging time for me, God. I know that I’m in the midst of the crossing and the other side is near. I know that I can’t really turn back and go back to my old life and run to my momma or some man to save me. I’m feeling tired, though, and weak, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it and I just want to go to sleep somewhere and not worry about my broken car or my low bank account or selling any writing or finishing any projects. I don’t want to have to date these usurious guys anymore in the search for a mate. I just feel like quitting and saying, “Oh well. I tried.” I can do other things. I can have a mediocre life, a different car, an okay man. I can go read poems at poetry spots instead of trying to sell books and movies and songs. Those things are much easier to do and I know I can do them instead of this hard sh*t… What do I tell them about this time? What do I tell myself?
-You tell them, you tell yourself, to stop fooling themselves. Stop lying. Once you know who you are, you will never be satisfied with being who you are not. We are going to make a choice right now. Are you going all the way or not?
I’m scared.
-Choose. Now. There is nothing I can do for you if you don’t make a choice.
I want to keep going, but I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I don’t want to be hungry and poor. I don’t want my body to be breaking down all the time.
-That’s good. Now choose again. This time, Let’s speak about what you would like, because this choice is what will create the next part. You have to trust Me. You have to know that every little choice you make has power, and so you tell them that when they are at their wit’s end, it is time to make a real choice. Don’t say that you don’t know what you want because you do know. You may not believe that what you want is possible for you. You may be afraid of the suffering that you think will come if you go for what you want, but you know what you would really like to happen, and so We start with the truth in choosing, and We say: “God, I really would like to be a writer with many works out in the world, and I really would like to always have more than enough money for me to live the lifestyle that I like, and I really would like to have a wonderful man that’s good to me, etc, and I really would like to be a part of community of people with high ideals. I really would like all of that stuff for my life. I really would like to help people in many ways, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do all those things. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid that it will be too hard. I’m afraid that I will have to suffer too much and I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I’m afraid that if I fall apart this time, I will be broken for good.”
-That’s the truth, and from that truth, We can start to make a real choice that transcends your fears. So, are you choosing to go on?
(reluctantly) Yes.
-No, that will not do. Sit still until you choose to go on for real.
…. OK. Yes, I am choosing to go on.
-Good. Do you feel the power coming back in your bones already?
Yes.
-Good. Now, make an intention for how you would like it to be. Easy this time, right? You do realize that your mind has been stuck on struggling for a long time, right? I am glad you are choosing easy now.
I’m choosing easy.
-And what else?
I’m choosing joy again, even now. I’m choosing for this to be an easy, joyous adventure. Can I do that, God? Even with my bank account looking like it does?
-Yes you can. You can. You can trust. They’ll call you crazy. It’s ok. What are your alternatives? Feel sad and get all sick? Trust Me. Choose first so I can have something to work with, and then trust Me, and be glad because you are becoming the heroine for real. And what type of heroine would you like to be?
Happy, joyous, strong, healthy, powerful, loving, gracious, having everything I need to complete my mission always and then some.
-There you go! And so it is.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 175
At Your Wit’s End
Good morning. It’s almost 7 am and I’m sitting my car. Someone ran into it yesterday and ruined one of the tires and gave it a couple of dents, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’m sitting in my car because my car is one of my favorite things, a sign that anything is possible….
Yesterday, just before the car accident, I went to a bakery to buy one my favorite foods, a pumpkin muffie. The cashier was smiling at me and asked how my day was and I asked him about his. Then he said, “You seem so happy. What’s good in your life?” I almost asked, “Who, me?”, but instead I took the compliment and said, “I’m just glad to be here.”
And I am. I’m glad to be here today. The good things in my life aren’t at the top of my mind, but if I look for them, I’m sure I can find them: spending the night with my sweet little sister the other day, someone giving me a new Iphone and me actually liking it, that cashier’s eyes yesterday, a bottle of spring water, thoughts of my funny niece and nephews… What’s also good is the peace of mind that is becoming me in spite of everything that is and isn’t happening. That guy said I looked happy. I didn’t want to tell him that my car was loaded with my stuff because I didn’t know where I was gonna live for a while. It didn’t even matter, because the truth was, I was happy.
I am happy. Maybe happy is not the right word, but my mind feels peaceful and steady and stable. I don’t have the urge to run away somewhere like I would in the past. I’m not interested in the flattery or companionship of random men like I have been before when things were challenging. I’m not even looking for a hero to save me from this. Nope. Sure, a hero can come, but I’m also open to being the hero this time. I can do it. I know this now. I accept that I’m really strong, and this is the time to actually show it.
Because homeless, manless, broken car, uncertain everything’s, and whatever else, I’m still gonna keep going. Yep. That just it. I’m still choosing to be happy and peaceful and kind and open and loving. I’m still choosing to get my work done, in spite of whatever distractions I might create for my self and whatever distractions may come my way. I’m still choosing to trust in the Truth that I can’t always see. I’m still choosing the path of magic and miracles and dreams come true. I’m still choosing the good stuff…
And I’m choosing to be strong today. I’ve hated being strong for so long. Do you know what made me start hating being strong? When I was little my first love cheated on me. He was in the army and he went abroad and married this other lady and didn’t tell me about it. We had a long distance relationships and we would write each other letters (before internet became popular) and talk on the phone and he never bothered to tell me, “Oh, by the way, I married someone.” The other lady was older than me and she knew about me, but I didn’t know about her. And then when my first love came back to the states, he told me everything and had the nerve to say he still wanted to be together. Somewhere in our conversation, he said that he wanted to be instead of her because I was stronger than her and I could deal with him. But she was the one who’s bills he paid. She was the one he married. She was the one he took care of . This is when I started hating the word strong. And then in my other personal relationships, I found that people associated the word strong with meaning that you could put up with their sh*t and that you would always be the supporter and the hero, but never the supported or the saved. I hated being strong, because to me, strong meant lonely, and used, and never considered and never taken care of. Strong meant that people depended on you but they never loved you. In my lack of understanding, I divorced strong and threw it off a cliff to die. But then I became weak and that didn’t seem to be working for me either.
So today, I’d like to be strong again, but I’d like to redefine it. Not that lonely, use me, never support me, me against the world, frowned face, puffed up shoulders sh*t. Nope. That can stay at the bottom of the cliff. In fact, that can disintegrate into thin air and then be cleaned out by the rain and drained into a black hole in the center of the Earth as far as I’m concerned.
I’d like to be nice strong now. Happy strong. Good strong. Supported strong. Mother Teresa with a smile on her face strong. Buddha with a big happy belly strong. I am choosing graceful strong. Open strong and Oh, my God, I am choosing a strong that involves loving and being loved. Yes, I am choosing to be strong and experience loving reciprocity. It’s not an oxymoron anymore. I know that it is possible to be strong and still be supported and cared for. I know that it’s possible to be strong and still be happy, and that’s what I’m choosing now.
I don’t know if the devil is after me or if I have bad karma or if this is just resistance that’s going on with my recent life circumstances… Maybe it’s my old life falling away or maybe these are just random events in the life of one person. It doesn’t really matter to me now, the explanations or the reasons why that we try to give to every event. I’m not worried about the “why” right now. I’m concerned with the “what”, meaning, I’m concerned with what I personally am choosing and doing for myself. I can’t control the outside world and I can’t control what other people are choosing. But I can choose a tone for my own life and if I choose a tone and live by it, then I can say that I lived with integrity and I did my best while I’m here, and that’s what I would like to say when it’s all said and done. So here we go. God, it’s a perfect day to get up and be alive. It’s a wonderful day to be strong enough to choose happy. Thank you so much…
Day 174
Redefining Strong
hownottocryeveryday 