Good morning World,
I’m sitting at home on my bed. Woke up good today. Worked a background acting gig yesterday. Came home pretty tired. Spent a lot of time in prayer…
Joined that writing class on Monday. They said we should write every day, no matter what it is. They also said we should dedicate ten hours a week to working on one particular project, and break the ten hours up into at least five days of 1 and a half to two hour sessions. The teacher said it teaches discipline, keeps the mind focused on our project, and forces us to be efficient and constructive with our time.
Today. Discipline is the name of the game today. Faith is the name of the game. Life seems to ebb and flow…
We have come too far on this journey to turn back. We have come too far to stop. Today I would like to dig a little deeper, God. I need some strength and faith. All the familiar comforts of my life have fallen away. There is no man to like and fantasize about. There is nothing concrete on the horizon that I can look forward to. My old life is falling apart right before my eyes, and I don’t even want to save it. At my spiritual center, one of the speakers said that we should stop trying to save the world. There are a lot of ideas and opinions and customs and ways of living that aren’t worth saving. He said that we should focus on creating a new world, one that reflects a higher consciousness…
These thoughts are kind of deep, even for me. My old life wasn’t that bad. I guess I’ve had different lives in my life, and my California life has been way different than my life before I came here. It’s funny. I liked my life down South much better, but I have grown tremendously because of California, and now my life down South won’t fit… California is about business. And success. It is Love starved. It’s an opportunistic and self-serving place in general… This is quite a city for growing up. A city of dreamers. A city where your mommy is no longer with you, and you have to do it on your own…
I live in the City of Angels, and angels are much needed here. I’m thinking of the book “The Alchemist”. The main character Diego goes on a journey to find his treasure, not knowing what his treasure is, but only knowing that it does exist. Geez. I have come to this. What a place to be. There is nothing on the outside that gets me off of the bed these days. No dangling carrot. No somebody that I want to see. No problems to solve. Not seeking some random entertainment or distraction. Only the thought that I have work to do, that I have a treasure to find and give…
God, You say that this is a good place to be, and I say OK. This has been quite a year, huh? We have been a lot of places. We have done a lot of cleaning and soul searching. We have learned a lot. And now we are learning about taking responsibility for our lives. This is the new thing, huh God? I am remembering a song, “Orinoco Flow”, and the line, “That will be the return to yourself. A return to innocence.” What a song. Someone knew something and they wrote about it. And I heard that song over fifteen years ago, and I’m just now understanding it. And it’s beautiful.
I am remembering a time before I knew heartbreak. I am remembering a time before disappointment and failure. I am remembering a time when I had a best friend that I really shared everything with and she shared everything with me. I am remembering the days when I believed that I would be a writer and a teacher and a mommy, the days when I thought traveling the world and meeting all kinds of people would be quite a life. I am remembering myself. I am still that girl, but I am a woman now. I have seen the other side, and I know that heartbreak does exist. And disappointment. And failure. And sometimes friends drift apart, and sometimes dreams are only dreams and they never come true.
But this is the funny part. We grow up, and we see the bad stuff, and we forget the good stuff, but the good stuff still exists, right alongside the other stuff. Love still exists, and we can still love in that same kind of way that we loved before that one person broke our hearts. It takes a little courage, but it’s still possible. And even after having failed at something, we are still worthy of success. It can still happen.
And the resurrection of a dream. Oh, that’s the best part for me. You can still live your dream, even if you haven’t done it yet. When you are a grown-up, people tell you to be realistic, and that’s a good thing. We live in the world. But what many of us don’t talk about is the fact that your dream could be your reality, or at least you could set it up so that your dream becomes someone else’s reality, like Martin Luther King had a dream that we are all now living…
I just got a call that my car is ready to be picked up. After more than a month of being in the shop, I get my baby back! I’m glad.
The world can fall apart. I remember when that healer lady told me to get excited because I was going to die! LOL. My old world can fall apart. It’s fine. It no longer represents what I’m becoming and where I’m going with my life. I’m about good Love with people who are ready, willing, and able to share good Love with me now. I’m about openness combined with wisdom. I’m about integrity and joy and purpose. I’m about honesty and trust. And I’m about powerful people (we are all powerful), who recognize that they are able to do things in the world and are willing to do them without trying to bring others down on the way. The cool folks. These are my new folks. It’s all right if I’m not on their level yet. I’m gonna get there real soon. It’s in me…
In the meantime, I’ll take it day by day. This day is the first day of my life and it could be the last. I’m gonna live it…
Day 187
Resurrection Of The Dream
Gypsy days are over!!! I’m back in my apartment…
It feels strange. It’s safe here. Much different than all the other places I’ve been this past month. It took all that for me realize that I actually like my apartment. Of course, things could be better, etc, etc, but I have discovered that things could be much much worse. My apartment is clean, and it’ spacious, and it lets in light everywhere, and when I look out of the windows I see trees, and when I open the windows, fresh air comes in, and it’s good vibes in here and I am grateful to be back home…
Thank You, God.
I had a bunch of dreams last night, and I woke up thinking about Dream Lover. I checked my email and phone and saw that I have several bills to pay soon and it was really cold in here. I started panicking. Sometimes it seems like everything has changed and then it seems like I’m back in survival mode again. I joined this writing class, which starts today, and I was wondering if I should use my extra money to pay these bills instead of going to the class.
I went to say my prayers so I could get my mind right, but Dream Lover was still on the mind. Sometimes I see him, in my prayers and meditations, and he’s usually mean, with his arms crossed, not wanting to talk to me, but today he was nice. We were reminiscing on all the good times we had together. Sometimes I have to ask myself if those times really happened. I was so happy with him. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago that we were walking through the park together, joking around and dancing together and Loving each other. And I hadn’t thought about him in a good way in a while, but today, while I was praying, I saw him. And he was nice. And he said sorry. For everything. He said that he had tried his best, and I know he tried his best. He had a lot of fear. And so did I. And I said sorry. And I forgave him. And he forgave me. Because we hurt each other a lot. I attacked him with my words just like New Guy Old Guy had attacked me, and I didn’t realize how much words could hurt a sensitive person. And he just left. And he didn’t realize that I actually loved the mess out of him and him leaving was a big deal to me… We had this whole dialogue in my prayers, and sometimes I wonder what really goes on. I wonder if he was somewhere praying at the same time, having the same dialogue with me, or if I was just making everything up in my head to soothe myself. There have been so many instances in my life where I’ll pray or meditate and I’ll be talking to someone in my prayers, and then when I see or talk to them in real life, they had been thinking or feeling just the things that had occurred in our imaginary dialogues. So I don’t know. I don’t know how much it matters, but I was glad that I was finally able to see him in a good light this morning, because after all is said and done, having loved him and been with him for the brief time that we were together was phenomenal…
The journey isn’t over yet, though. I want to be able to tell you that I made it. I want to be able to say, Hey, go buy my book or watch my movie. In fact, I’ll give you free tickets. I want to be able to talk about the Love of my life that actually lasted. I’d like to tell you that I’m completely debt free whatever and talk about my inventions that are actually being used. I have much in me, Allah. When will it come out?
When I come home, I have to deal with myself. No distractions here. Just a prayer mat, sage, green juice and truth. I have come a long a way, that’s for sure. I’m not crying every day any more, and most of the time if I’m crying these days, it’s out of gratitude or joy or sweet release. I don’t have much drama in my personal life anymore, and the few relationships that I do have are positive. I’m completing and submitting projects, slowly but surely. I meet different kinds of men these days. Some days it feels like my life is right around the corner, like one thing could change everything. One job. One sale. One man. One move. And then other days, like today, it seems like I have such a long way to go.
It’s really frustrating when you put yourself out there and you give your all and try your best and things don’t go as anticipated… But what else can you do? What else can I do, God? I need you to talk to me. I need You. This life I have on the outside is not the life I have on the inside. It’s not who I really am. I am so much more than this. This spending all my time and energy on basic survival stuff just won’t do anymore. I’ve got work to do! I’ve got Love to give! I’m bursting at the seams here yearning to make something good of my life and it’s not about how not to cry every day any more. I’m over that. Like my preacher said, “pain pushes until vision pulls”, and I’m not in pain anymore. I’m not in despair. Pain and despair have served me well, but now I have a vision for my life and I need your help, God, because I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish it. I just know that I can’t quit. I’ve quit before. Over and over again, but the vision doesn’t go away. And now I’m not afraid of it. Now I know that I’m worthy. Now I know that I’m able. Now I know that I can handle greatness and excellence. I couldn’t even speak the word before, but now I’m speaking it, and I’m speaking it out loud.
God, You said that You are for us, and not against us. You said that if we come to You in earnest and seek to live a life of integrity, then You will clear a way for us and make all things possible. You said that if we repent and are willing to do the work, then ours will be a good life, and I am willing. I am ready. I am committed. I am saying Yes. I am choosing to look beyond appearances and proclaim that even in this moment life is good. I am choosing gratitude in this moment. I am choosing strength and spiritual power, and I am opening my arms and my mind, come what may. This is a good life. This is an excellent life. This is a life worth living…
Day 186
Come What May
Good morning World,
It’s been a few days. I’ve been house hopping, applying for jobs, going on interviews, applying for writing programs and sending out more query letters, and spending time with people… Something about the smell of this house makes me want to throw up… About to throw up…
Whew. Out of house and in the car now. I thought I was going to chill in the house today, but I see my body isn’t having that. This entry may not be that long, because I’m sitting in a car that’s not so comfy and the sun is shining directly on me, but I just feel like I need to write. This is my therapy. This is how I make it through the day and actually evaluate what I’m doing with my life… I don’t know how I’ve survived without this.
And after spending time with all these different people this past month or so, I see that so many people could use a bit of alone time to evaluate their lives. We get all caught up with any distraction we can think of: relationship dramas, TV, internet and so many entertainment options, work and ambition that we really don’t care about…Why are we so afraid to sit still, God? I love coming back to you. I love asking the questions. I love taking a moment to see what’s really going on with me and to do things on purpose…
Within this past month, I found my confidence again. I realized that I’m valuable and I have a lot to offer even if it’s not material things. I tapped into the place that knows that it’s possible for my dreams to come true, I recommitted myself to peace at all costs, I thought about a five year plan, and I feel able to do things again. And I’m doing them. And I feel safe now. I know I can come back to the world and still be sensitive and not get all broken, because I care about myself now. And it makes a difference. It makes a difference when you take a moment and then another moment to really contemplate who you are and what you are doing with this thing called life. Because when you step outside, especially if you’re a person like me who likes to interact with the world, all kinds of people will be there, and some of them will have agendas, and things they want you to do. You will find all kinds of choices and options on how to spend every moment of your day. If you don’t know who you are and what you stand for, then it is so easy to be swept away. It so easy to get caught up in some stuff you don’t believe in and you might find that years go by in confusion. Years. Trust me, I know…
So Lord, I thank you for this moment. I thank you for the gift in this blog. I thank you for this month long experiment on humility and self-knowledge and asking and accepting. I thank you for the growth and the transformation that is finally taking place in my life. Mostly I thank you for allowing me to be alive to see this day. Everyone doesn’t make it. Some people have never seen a day of peace in their lives. Some people have never known love or what it feels like not to be at war with anyone. I had been at war with anyone who would fight me for some time, so I know what it’s like to have a constant frown, and I know what it’s like to think that your life isn’t sh*t, and I know loneliness and poverty and loss, and I know what happens to a dream deferred. I actually understand the Langston Hughes poem now. A dream deferred stinks like rotten meat. It sags like a heavy load. It dries up like a raisin in the sun. It does all of that. But it never goes away. It just hides out and shows up when you least expect it: as bitterness, envy, hatred, depression and anger, amongst other things…
We have been looking for heroes. We have been looking for answers and saviors. Distractions to make it through the day. We have been thinking that someone, somewhere was gonna give us something, and just biding our time here hoping that someday, somewhere, someone was gonna make it all good. But even if we are blessed by grace and someone does drop a bundle of goodness into our laps, it is up to us to sustain it. It is up to us to do our own work. It is up to us to bring our own good things and cultivate our own good relationships and contribute. It is up to us to stop running from all the things we are scared of. It is up to us to make this a life worth living, because, front as we may, when we lay down to sleep, or even in our dreams, we cannot escape the truth of our lives. Wherever we go, we can not escape ourselves…
Day 185
Wherever You Go, There You Are…
I can’t keep up. From day to day so many internal changes. It’s a good thing… Today was a fantastic day.
I want to tell you what happened, but first I will tell you the most fantastic part of all. It’s the peace of mind I feel right now. It’s the clarity that is here. It is the knowledge that everything is all right, that I am on the right path. I know that some people don’t respect feelings and all the inside stuff that can’t be seen, but I am of the deep suspicion that happiness is and has never been about anything but feelings and the inside stuff, at least my happiness, and the debates go on. Some say feelings are impermanent and fickle, some say material things come and go and can be swept away by hurricanes, and some (like me) say it’s all about you.
It’s your life. And what matters to you is ultimately what matters…
Today I yelled at a man like a little kid yells. New Guy Old Guy. It was so liberating. He had been yelling at me for the past few weeks. Just talking and talking and talking and trying to force me to listen to his abuse. Literally. And I had been listening. And engaging. His subtle (and not so subtle) hints that something was wrong with me. Covert and overt power plays, etc etc. I ran into him at a restaurant today, and everything was semi cool, until he made a pass at me and I didn’t respond. His face changed and I noted it. I called him “sensitive”. Why did I do that? He started on a tirade about how he wasn’t sensitive and how I couldn’t affect him and on and on and on. He asked me a question and when I started to talk, he cut me off and continued with his tirade. Then I asked him why we are even talking when he doesn’t listen to anything I say. He went on and on and on about how he’s talking and he doesn’t have to listen, and I became so furious. “NOOOO! I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!!!” I screamed. He immediately backed off and walked away. He called me crazy or some name, but it was OK. I’m not crazy. Maybe I am. It doesn’t even matter to me.
“Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do.” It’s the best thing my first love ever said to me. He would have been proud of me. He would have told me that I should have knocked that dude out, trying to make me feel like sh*t and abuse me just ‘cus I wasn’t feeding his ego. But I didn’t knock him out. I just knocked him out of my life, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of me that I can stand up for myself…
Before that, I went to my spiritual center, and I saw the big handsome man with the big hands again. This time, he was sitting about five seats down from me. I wanted to thank him for his prayer the week before. I wanted to tell him how he had busted my heart open and helped me to mourn my father for the first time. I wanted to thank him for being strong and gentle and lovely, but he’s so handsome, I didn’t want him to feel like I was hitting on him. So I sat there for a while taking deep breaths, but my spirit wasn’t having it. In one breath, I got up and scooted to the seat next to him. He was meditating and I disturbed him. He didn’t look at me, but leaned his ear in to hear me, and I don’t know what I said. I didn’t say everything the way I had rehearsed it in my mind, but I told him that he had blessed me the week before, and I was thankful. Then he looked at me for the first time. He asked me my name and I told him. He told me his name and shook my hand, and then said “peace”. People have told me that I have a healing touch before, and I’ve only felt a healing touch once before today, but this guy, I’ll call him Nameless, had a healing touch, a healing hand shake, for God’s sake!
And I went back to my seat. And I saw him ask the ushers for a tissue from the corner of my eye. And I saw him wiping his eyes… Before the end of service, he got up to leave, but he stopped at the seat next to me. He put his hand, his big healing hand, on my leg, and he looked me in the eye again. He told me, “Thank you for your words earlier. They really touched my heart. Have a great weekend”, and I smiled and said you’re welcome. And I hadn’t even thought about it. What if nobody had ever told him he was a blessing before? What if he had just gotten through arguing with someone, and they had tried to make him feel like sh*t, like New Guy Old Guy had done to me? What if he’s going to go home and mourn his mother for the first time, like I had done my father after he blessed me with his prayer?
And you can’t tell me miracles aren’t real. You can’t tell me that change doesn’t happen, because I am witnessing it up close and personal. Never in my life have I been aware of such kind people, sitting right next to me, living with me, communicating with me… There are phenomenal beings walking the Earth with us. We can be them. We don’t just have to read their books or watch their films or go to their seminars. We can be those people who uplift each other and know them up close and personal.
The catch is, they don’t hang out with vampires. They are sensitive by nature and they know that vampires have power, too. They walk amongst vampires every day, and they can hold their own if they get attacked, but in their inner circle, only goodness is allowed. They know that home is a place to rest and recuperate and rejuvenate…
You know I always used to try and “fix” people. Find these folks that I thought just needed a little bit of love, or some coaxing. Most people are good at the core, or at least I think so, but I used to be on these “fixing” missions in my personal life. It never works. Your inner circle is not about fixing. It’s about liking and accepting the people you come home to and wanting to be a part of their vibration… Write a book or volunteer or teach a class if you’re on a mission to fix… Pray for them from a distance…
My Dad used to say, when you see Satan, don’t try to be his friend. Don’t try to change him. Don’t even judge him. A snake is going to be a snake… Walk away or knock him out if you have to, but disengage. Snake bites are infectious and can be deadly…
I am humbled by the greatness that I have encountered over this past month. I am humbled by the kindness and open hearts that I have come across. I didn’t know that such good people existed in the world. Never before did I think that I was worthy of the presence of such healers, but now I think I can hang. I am stronger. I am more kind. I am worthy. I’ve still got a ways to go, but the journey is exciting. The journey is a blast…
Day 184
It’s Your Life
Ooooh Weee…
Feeling like I have literally been through the storm. October was rough. I remember this song from when I was younger “But baby sweet November… Will bring us back the love that we both knew”. Is there something special about November? I hope so.
I moved into a new place today. It’s temporary until I can go back to my apartment in a couple of weeks, but I’m glad I’m here. I was having a hard time deciding what to do next. Really, I’m not usually that indecisive. But I just didin’t know what to do, because everything seemed like it had come crashing down to nothing.
“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together” – Marilyn Monroe
I made it through yesterday. Can I tell you something interesting? Yesterday I got an email from a producer. I submitted my song, that I’m so proud of, to him so that he could consider it for the upcoming album of a particular singer. He wrote me an email, saying that he liked the song, but that it wasn’t right for said singer’s album at the moment. He also encouraged me to keep writing and said that things might change. I was crushed. The news came on top of a job rejection and was followed by an argument about nothing with Mr. New Guy. When I got home, I was hurting physically. I mean, my feelings were really hurt, but I was physically hurting too. I had to move out of my temp place, because I couldn’t afford it, and I really didn’t know where to go. I have some friends and family here, but I hate asking for stuff, and I didn’t want to go sublet a stranger’s place anyway…
So, I did what I do when I don’t know what to do. I cried and went to sleep. And then I woke up. It’s amazing how we usually wake up after sleeping, even if we don’t want to. I was really disturbed about my argument with New Guy, who is really Old Guy. You know what he said? He was trying to convince me that he’s always right about everything, and he said to me, “Over the past years, you’ve changed, but I haven’t changed at all”, as if to say that me changing meant that I had to modify my behavior and, of course, that meant that everything he had done in the past was right… So when I woke up, and my heart was still hurting, I thought about his comment. Wow. I had changed. For the better. He said it. He hadn’t changed at all. He said it. There was nothing else for us to talk about.
I was tired, you know? Really tired of things being so hard. Of all the conflict. I was tired of trying to convince people to like me and be nice to me and pick me. I was tired of myself and my life, because I just seemed to be trying so hard, but not really getting anywhere. Like I’d almost get somewhere and then disaster would strike. But he had said that I had changed… Wow.
So this morning, instead of sleeping my life away, I got up and packed my things. And I thought about the one person I knew in town who was actually kind on purpose and open to receiving kindness. This person’s ego wasn’t too big for apologies or forgiveness, and he wasn’t so caught up in his own life that he couldn’t see others. Going back to my momma wasn’t an option. Running to some dude wasn’t an option. Homeless shelters just didn’t seem appetizing and the thought of subletting made my head hurt, so I texted this nice friend of mine and asked if I could come stay with him for a while. And he said yes. And here I am.
And when my landlord came to move me out, he brought me some cupcakes, and he is so vibrant that he lights up the room. And then I checked the webpage of the singer who I wanted to sing my song, and I found that she had postponed her album altogether (she made the announcement today) so that she could do some soul searching. And this apartment has a parking space just outside of the apartment, so I don’t have to park a mile away.
And I don’t know anything about a man or a job or income or selling stuff or finishing stuff or where I will finally paint my walls at. I don’t know where this ends, God, but I know I want to see it out. One of my friend’s suggested that the world might actually be ending this year and I’m not ready yet. I still want to be here. I still want to live. I know that in the course of 24 hours, or twelve hours, or two hours, one’s life can change for the better or the worse or the better again, and we can’t always control the way things go, try as we may. But we can choose to get up, even in our weakest moments. We can choose to just see what’s gonna happen. Maybe we will die. Maybe we will live. Maybe someone will give us a cupcake or maybe we will give someone else just that one word that keeps them going.
I don’t know where this ends, but I’m willing to stick around to see…
Day 183
See It Through
Vulnerability. Balance. Grace. Connectedness. Love. Forgiveness. The miracle of a life…
Things on my mind. The miracle that happens when you step out of your house and engage with the world. The upheaval that happens when you truly say you want to change and mean it. The grace that keeps you from falling apart when you are bold enough to open up your life and dare to hope and try again even after disappointment.
Life is truly a blessing, even in the midst of living.
I can write a really good movie now. I have something to write about. I have a lot to write about…
The lady at my job interview today asked me what my five year plan was… I couldn’t tell her that it’s been almost five years since I’ve even thought about a five year plan, so I just made something up. I don’t think she believed me, and that’s ok. I”m glad she put that idea in my mind. The right source of income is making it’s way to me even now, so I’m not even tripping. I believe in miracles…
The new guy, who’s actually a guy that I met years ago but never made it past a couple dates with, serenaded me in person today. Like literally took me to a park, sat under a tree, played a guitar and sang to me. I was sitting there thinking, Is this me? What’s going on here? Somebody is trying to be nice to me? What’s happening? I was all sad and stuff a couple weeks ago? What’s up with all this massive change? What’s up with all these people pulling at my heart strings lately?
I don’t get it. He’s gonna tell me to come stay with him. I already know. Why do they like me so quickly? I don’t want to trust it. Because they stop liking me just as fast. Or not. Or whatever. They like me, but they disappear anyway. Or cheat. Or lie. You know my heart can’t handle all that anymore, God, and You say I don’t have to go through that any more. I’m a different me. I trust people who have shown themselves trustworthy now. Good job. I’ve finally learned… Wow. I’ve finally learned…
So, it’s 11 o’clock at night. I haven’t done a real in-depth prayer in a while, and it’s about that time. This time seems to bear more weight than any other time since I started this blog. Everything looks the same, but it feels different. I know that the choices that I make in the next few days are going to determine the next few years of my life. I feel that. Like if I was in a movie, this would be the climax, and whatever I do now seems like it will determine the ending of the story, and I’d like it to be a good story. I’d like it to be a fantastic story. It would be so whack if I went on this whole journey only to have a luke warm ending…
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m coming back to you tonight, God. When I finish this blog (You know I need to write to sort things out sometimes), We need to talk, and I hope You will talk to me. You say You will, and I’m glad. I am so glad that I am finally getting to know You..
This is my life. This is Your life. It’s a good life. And it is such a precious thing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The pain really does go. The scars really do heal. The sense of panic subsides. The worry dissipates and we become confident in the knowledge that Life really is for us and not against us. We become warriors in the midst of it all. And heroes. And Lovers. And healers. We become ourselves and we can let go of the little injuries and insults that we have been holding to help us feel better than each other. We recognize that we are each other and in that realization, we can go forth lifting each other, and lifting ourselves, because if my life is better, then your life is better, and if your life is better, my life is better, and I’m not talking about the gathering of stuff. I’m talking about the inside things. I’m talking one being at peace with oneself. I’m talking about people having clean hearts. I’m talking about healings and trustings and lovings of one another. I’m talking about healing the world, because it starts with healing ourselves, and I get it now. You can’t teach a thing that you don’t know. Even when people don’t know the truth, they recognize a lie.
So that’s my scpill for tonight. You send me guidance all the time, God, and I don’t take a single moment of clarity for granted. I don’t take any of it for granted. It is an honor to be here…
Day 182
Grace
Good morning,
I’ve been up since late last night, but I’m not tired. I feel renewed. I talked to one of my favorite people in the world for about four hours last night, and then I felt invigorated, so I got up, scrubbed these floors for the first time, took a real good scrub down polish up everything bath, prayed for a long time, did some stretches, meditated, applied for a job, and now it’s 9:30 am. And I feel alive. And I want to talk about some things.
Actually, I’d like to talk about this being alone and this being broke down and this never having enough and feeling like we have to protect ourselves and fight everyone and this unhappiness thing that so many people (including me) seem to suffer from. It’s bogus. It’s a lie. It’s not the truth of your life, unless you choose it to be. I was sitting in my meditations today, and I stumbled upon something and I want to share it, but it’s not particularly clear in my mind yet, but I can feel it, and I will try to give you what I feel because I am really in a giving mood today.
These things that we strive for, they are already here. I know, once you spit it out of your mouth it’s hard to believe, so let me try again. For a long time, I have been struggling and scraping and crying and asking and begging and hoping for things to be different in my life, and today, when I sat down to pray, I looked at myself. This begging woman had become my identity. I had had other identities at other times in my life, but “Begging, Crying, Underemployed, Unfulfilled, Full of Potential, Sh*tty Man Loving Woman” has pretty much been the most recent manifestation of myself.
No, that’s not what I want to say. Let me try again, because I’m trying to share something, and it’s not about me. It’s bigger than me. I will not let the cloudiness in my mind blind me from the light. I will speak what is in me. Lord, I open up to see and say the truth of this feeling. There’s a lot going on here. More than we know.
What I know is that we actually have choices. All the time, independent of our circumstances. It can be tricky, because you have to believe in choices in order to see them. Today, I saw that I didn’t have to be this other woman any more, this person that I have been for the past few years, this almost me. I could actually be the real me, and I know it sounds silly, but this is a realization for me. I actually know who the real me is. I’ve just been stuck on that other version of me for some time, but I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. The real me doesn’t beg and she’s pretty radiant. She always has enough money and she’s not just full of potential. She actually does stuff with her potential. The real me isn’t scared of too much and she’s really strong and sensitive at the same time. That’s why she can relate to so many, because she feels stuff deep. And the men? Well the real me was never somebody to hang around with folks who bring her down. Of course there are other aspects of myself, and I think I’ve gotten to know them over time, but I’m talking about the real me, the me in my soul. I got reintroduced to the real me this morning.
I had been letting all of this “stuff” cloud my vision. All of this stuff can really get in the way. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be hard to be yourself. It doesn’t have to be a war. I mean, if you’re not used to being yourself or if you haven’t been yourself in a while, you will probably experience some resistance and something in your life will probably fall apart, but it’s a blessing! It’s a blessing. You are coming into integrity with yourself. It is a sign of movement. Don’t get all scared and stop. Rest if you need to or cry or punch a wall or whatever, but don’t stop if you can help it. Let the real you come through.
I don’t have the words this morning. I just have the feeling, but the words will come some other time. It’s ok with me and I hope it’s ok with you… I wanted to share anyway, and I hope you will catch what I’m feeling. The outside things will come. You watch. I’ll tell you soon. The outside things will come, but it starts on the inside. It starts with a decision and deep commitment. You are worth it. Your life is worth it. I am crying tears of joy and every sad moment, every so-called disappointment, every heartbreak, every lost hair and every adventure I have been on is worth it for this moment that I can stand here, no matter what is going on, and I can smile with every part of me. I can get up and do stuff! I can still share even from where I am now and no one, nothing can bring me down. Nothing can really me down, because I am a bringer upper, and I know that’s not a word! And yet I know that it’s still good…
My life is worth something. Your life is worth something just because… Ameen.
Day 180
When The Real You Shines Through
Life is so interesting. Everything seemed like it was falling apart and now it’s not. This has been quite a week.
The people who hit my car accepted liability and now I have a free rental car and my car is getting fixed. Someone just paid me back a debt that I had long forgotten about, and now I will have enough money to at least give me some options for a while and allow me to eat the kind of food I like. Yesterday, I spent the day with a friend I haven’t seen in over two years and I enjoyed every moment of it… It was really nice. And I have neighbors that I actually like. They say hi and talk to you instead of leaving little post-it notes around… Last night, one of my family members stopped by and surprised me by dropping off a deliciously cooked meal…
I’m a little overwhelmed with all the good stuff and the drastic changes in such short time. I’m a little surprised that life can be full of support. I was kind of preparing to fall apart and be all lonely and stuff, but it’s not happening that way. I am experiencing help and love and friendship and family and support and connectivity and this is so cool. It’s pretty amazing for a girl like me…
I don’t have anything profound to say today. I just wanted to write because I Love writing and I miss it when I don’t do it… Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of all of this is. What are we doing here? Running around like little ants trying to find ways to make ourselves feel worthwhile. They always said that I think too much, but I can’t help it. I can’t pretend that I don’t see what I see. I mean, I can pretend, but I really don’t want to anymore. Pretending doesn’t make the truth go away…
Today I am thinking about what to do next. I am nowhere. I have been running and floating and doing temporary things for a while. Temp jobs. Temp relationships. Temp housing. As if I am biding my time waiting for the real thing to happen. I have been waiting for someone outside of me to tell me what the real thing is, and no one ever knows what your “real thing” is if you don’t. I always thought that I’d get a man and then he’d tell me what to do. Then I’d stop having a temp life and settle into a full-time job and a long-term relationship and a permanent place, but it doesn’t work like that for me. Because a man can only tell you what to do if you let him, and if you don’t know what to do, or if your ambition is to be a support for a man’s dream, that’s cool and that works, but that’s not me. And I keep getting these bossy men trying to tell me what to do (and that’s what I asked for), but then I realize (and they realize, too) that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do. I know what I want to do, and I don’t really want a boss or a father or a son. I’d like a partner who knows what he wants to do as well, and I’d like us to help each other do what we came to do…
I think I have come to a true crossroads now. I’ve had little ones before, but this time feels a little weightier, because there is no one to blame. There is no little sis to consider or no man to plan around. There are no major obligations forcing me to work here or there. My family is no longer hovering over me trying to tell me what to do. In fact, they respect my ability to choose… And so, there is only me now. There’s only me to blame, and only me to consider, and it’s a strange place to be, because I haven’t really explored life from this perspective before, without thinking of trying to make my momma proud or without doing things so that I’ll be available for some man or able to help some person…
God, I am coming to you on bended knee with bowed head. The other day some folks told me that there are different Gods and that all the different names are different entities, and I don’t know about all that. I don’t want to talk to the different names and the different entities. I want to talk to the boss of it all. So I don’t know what to call You so that You will hear me, but I know that You exist and You are more than Me. You are Everything and You are the Inspiration that sits behind a life well lived and I am calling on You now, because this next move is the real deal and I’m doing it on my own. Will you talk to me, God? Because I am endeavoring to live a life of pure choice now, and I’m a woman and they teach us that women don’t do these things without men, but I don’t have a man, and so I can’t just sit around and be sorry and be blown by the wind anywhere or I can’t just wait for a man to define me and tell me what my life should be about, and so I’m coming to You, because I need to know which direction to walk in when it’s just me. What do I do now? There are so many options…
-What would you like to do? Don’t say you just want to be happy, because You already are…
There are a lot of things that I’d like to do. I’ve done some of them, but the other things include people. I can’t just do them by myself. Where will I live and who will I have a family with?
-Let’s do one thing at a time. You don’t have to be in survival mode, but your world has a system and you live in it. So, you have gotten out of survival mode in your mind. But you still need to survive. Allow yourself a lofty income. You can do it. It’s easy for you. And continue with your completions. One thing at a time.
And where should I live?
-Live where you are. You like it there. Create a life you love to look at. You are already doing it and fine tuning your skills. Now you say the prayer. Define your new home, and I will bring it to You. Don’t you see that I have always been there for you? Don’t you see the miracles that are constantly happening in Your life? Will you trust Me a little more now?
Yes.
– So, We have two three things to work on now. Completions of your projects, lofty income, and fine tuning your vision of what you really want. The man will come, dear. He’s just waiting for you to catch up to yourself… Are You ready?
Yeah.
– Good. I know you will get there. Good job, now. Good job…
Day 179
On Your Own
Good morning…
Where shall I start? I have so much to say today… Let me set an intention… Lord, in my heart and in my mind and in my soul there is so much to share. I’d like to share it in a way that will be good for all who read, and good for me. Let me share it in that way, please. I accept. Ameen…
Good morning again. Today I woke up at 3 to the sound of the buses on the street and I was glad that they have become my new alarm clock, waking me at the hour that I love to be up. Yesterday I found out that Dream Lover has a young son that he had never told me about and the news almost broke me. It had been a really challenging week already and this little tidbit of information, along with other things going on, almost sent me on an existential crises again. But it didn’t.
This had not been the first time that some guy I had Loved had kept some really important secret from me. You know, they neglect to say, “Oh, by the way. I’M MARRIED.” Or, “yeah, I live with my baby mama and I just had another kid with her”. Or, “I know I told you that I want to be with you today, but just yesterday I was whoring around with my ex”… Yeah. These are the kinds of relationships I’ve had. So, yesterday, after finding out the news about another ex who had I had fallen in love with and then discovered that he had had a secret life all along, I had to take a look at myself and say, “It must be me. “Cus this kind of stuff doesn’t just happen to everyone over and over again.” So, I was sad. And I felt stupid. And I wondered what was wrong with me. And I wondered what was the point of even trying. And I was ready to pack up all my things and just give them away and just quit everything because I didn’t the see point of trying anymore. I figured it was just me, and no matter what I did, I was always gonna find myself in some f*cked up situation with some f*cked up man and life, because hey, something was wrong with me and that’s just what I did. So I almost quit…
And then I got a phone call. Four phone calls, actually, each one invalidated the belief that I was starting to form, the belief that I wasn’t sh*t and my life wasn’t sh*t and people weren’t sh*t, because each one of these four phone conversations was with someone who actually cared about others, all of these phone conversations were with people who give instead of take, and people who tell the truth instead of lie, and people who don’t need a trophy to do good and people who Love, or at least try to, and these four people, these four lovely human beings, were all men, and so I couldn’t start believing that all men were evil, because it wasn’t true. I knew some, I know some personally and in depth, who are good.
I’d like to tell you about one, though, because he is the only one of the four that lives close enough that I could see him on a daily basis if I wanted to… He is my new neighbor. I’ll just call him Neighbor. He is the one who gave me the key and took my money on the first night I moved into this temporary apartment, and we hit it off immediately. It was lively and fun talking to him and it was easy to be myself. And I was uplifted. And all relationships are not equal. Some people lift you up just by being around them and if you pay attention, you will notice the difference. On Sunday, when I met him, he had invited me to a dinner party at his house, and the party is today, but yesterday, he called to talk about some housekeeping things and we ended up having a long conversation. And he told me his story…
And that’s what it is about these hipster people. Many of them have deep understanding in their eyes, like they’ve seen a lot, but they don’t look sad, nor do they look like they are trying to be happy. They just look like they understand and they are open, I really like my new neighbors. Neighbor has been through some storms in his life, in a major way, he has seen much more “success” in the industry than me, and he crashed and burned as well. And now, his life is on purpose. He shares on purpose and he’s loud and open on purpose and he gives on purpose and he was pretty darn cool. He opened up and told me his secrets just like that and let himself be all vulnerable and it was the coolest thing I’ve experienced in a while. It was so inspirational. He is actually endeavoring to live a life of integrity, like for real for real. And he believes in authentic Spirituality. He used to a preacher on skid row and he just stepped down from that position to explore religion a little deeper… And he’s not down and out and broken and hopeless. He’s hopeful and strong and he’s doing it! I’m so proud of him… I found one! I found one like me! Someone crazy enough to tell strangers everything they have been through and think that it will make a difference in the world. It does! It makes a difference. It made such a difference to me last night. I’m not even going to tell you what he does or what the girl who I’m subletting this place from does, because it seems too good to be true right now, but I’ll just say that they are exactly the kind of people that I’ve been wanting to know…
And so, I started asking myself, what if things are happening exactly like they are supposed to? Yesterday the responsible party accepted liability for the car accident I was in, and I got a rental car. The rental car guy offered me a job at the rental car company, and I wasn’t gonna take it, but now I’m thinking, what if it’s exactly where I need to be? What if all of this was really a blessing. In my whole time in LA, I haven’t met people that I’ve liked this much, or if I have, I’ve never been invited to their dinner parties.
And I’m not even mad at Dream Lover for all of his deceit, and I don’t miss Mr. Almost Famous anymore and my other exes… Well, I let them all be. I don’t want to save them any more or pray for them or bust the windows out of their car or tell the public about how they really are. I just want my lessons to be learned. I accept that, God. I accept the completion of all of these lessons. To wait, and trust those who have proven themselves trustworthy. To value myself and know that I am worth courting. To expect and demand that the people I bring close to me are people who have shown that they care. To let myself be vulnerable and show my real face, knowing that I am safe. To spend time with folks because I like them, not because I’m trying to save them or do a thing out of a sense of some burdensome obligation. To share. To accept a person just as they are, and not look at them as some project to be fixed. To appreciate all the little acts of kindness and consideration. To make commitments and give success a fair chance before I back out. To be in the moment without the pressure of the future or the burden of the past. To enjoy and appreciate the mere company of someone that you feel alive with… I have learned all of these lessons from these men and I have no regrets. I am such a better woman because of them. I can let them be now. I am sure they have learned their own lessons from me, if they will accept them, but that’s not my business…
Today I’m looking forward. I feel like I’ve passed a major test over these past few weeks. I didn’t break! I took action in the middle of the storm! I let people help me and I let myself be vulnerable! I kept my smile on purpose and chose to share on purpose! And I listened to You, God. I didn’t run to the random men who are always ready to “comfort” a damsel in distress. I didn’t spend time with folks I don’t like, and I even told this one guy to stop trying to use me, and he went away. I am making it through the crossing! I am learning a kind of faith that I know will never be taken from me. I am not stopping! For once, I’m not stopping and I believe in myself again. You have no idea how thankful I am for this day. You have no idea…
Day 178
The Lessons Must Be Learned
