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Day 179 – On Your Own

October 21, 2012

Life is so interesting. Everything seemed like it was falling apart and now it’s not. This has been quite a week.

The people who hit my car accepted liability and now I have a free rental car and my car is getting fixed. Someone just paid me back a debt that I had long forgotten about, and now I will have enough money to at least give me some options for a while and allow me to eat the kind of food I like. Yesterday, I spent the day with a friend I haven’t seen in over two years and I enjoyed every moment of it… It was really nice. And I have neighbors that I actually like. They say hi and talk to you instead of leaving little post-it notes around… Last night, one of my family members stopped by and surprised me by dropping off a deliciously cooked meal…

I’m a little overwhelmed with all the good stuff and the drastic changes in such short time. I’m a little surprised that life can be full of support. I was kind of preparing to fall apart and be all lonely and stuff, but it’s not happening that way. I am experiencing help and love and friendship and family and support and connectivity and this is so cool. It’s pretty amazing for a girl like me…

I don’t have anything profound to say today. I just wanted to write because I Love writing and I miss it when I don’t do it… Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of all of this is. What are we doing here? Running around like little ants trying to find ways to make ourselves feel worthwhile. They always said that I think too much, but I can’t help it. I can’t pretend that I don’t see what I see. I mean, I can pretend, but I really don’t want to anymore. Pretending doesn’t make the truth go away…

Today I am thinking about what to do next. I am nowhere. I have been running and floating and doing temporary things for a while. Temp jobs. Temp relationships. Temp housing. As if I am biding my time waiting for the real thing to happen. I have been waiting for someone outside of me to tell me what the real thing is, and no one ever knows what your “real thing” is if you don’t. I always thought that I’d get a man and then he’d tell me what to do. Then I’d stop having a temp life and settle into a full-time job and a long-term relationship and a permanent place, but it doesn’t work like that for me. Because a man can only tell you what to do if you let him, and if you don’t know what to do, or if your ambition is to be a support for a man’s dream, that’s cool and that works, but that’s not me. And I keep getting these bossy men trying to tell me what to do (and that’s what I asked for), but then I realize (and they realize, too) that I don’t really want them to tell me what to do. I know what I want to do, and I don’t really want a boss or a father or a son. I’d like a partner who knows what he wants to do as well, and I’d like us to help each other do what we came to do…

I think I have come to a true crossroads now. I’ve had little ones before, but this time feels a little weightier, because there is no one to blame. There is no little sis to consider or no man to plan around. There are no major obligations forcing me to work here or there. My family is no longer hovering over me trying to tell me what to do. In fact, they respect my ability to choose… And so, there is only me now. There’s only me to blame, and only me to consider, and it’s a strange place to be, because I haven’t really explored life from this perspective before, without thinking of trying to make my momma proud or without doing things so that I’ll be available for some man or able to help some person…

God, I am coming to you on bended knee with bowed head. The other day some folks told me that there are different Gods and that all the different names are different entities, and I don’t know about all that. I don’t want to talk to the different names and the different entities. I want to talk to the boss of it all. So I don’t know what to call You so that You will hear me, but I know that You exist and You are more than Me. You are Everything and You are the Inspiration that sits behind a life well lived and I am calling on You now, because this next move is the real deal and I’m doing it on my own. Will you talk to me, God? Because I am endeavoring to live a life of pure choice now, and I’m a woman and they teach us that women don’t do these things without men, but I don’t have a man, and so I can’t just sit around and be sorry and be blown by the wind anywhere or I can’t just wait for a man to define me and tell me what my life should be about, and so I’m coming to You, because I need to know which direction to walk in when it’s just me. What do I do now? There are so many options…

-What would you like to do? Don’t say you just want to be happy, because You already are…

There are a lot of things that I’d like to do. I’ve done some of them, but the other things include people. I can’t just do them by myself. Where will I live and who will I have a family with?

-Let’s do one thing at a time. You don’t have to be in survival mode, but your world has a system and you live in it. So, you have gotten out of survival mode in your mind. But you still need to survive. Allow yourself a lofty income. You can do it. It’s easy for you. And continue with your completions. One thing at a time.

And where should I live?

-Live where you are. You like it there. Create a life you love to look at. You are already doing it and fine tuning your skills. Now you say the prayer. Define your new home, and I will bring it to You. Don’t you see that I have always been there for you? Don’t you see the miracles that are constantly happening in Your life? Will you trust Me a little more now?

Yes.

– So, We have two three things to work on now. Completions of your projects, lofty income, and fine tuning your vision of what you really want. The man will come, dear. He’s just waiting for you to catch up to yourself… Are You ready?

Yeah.

– Good. I know you will get there. Good job, now. Good job…

Day 179

On Your Own

 

 

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From → The Good Stuff

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