Day 178 – The Lessons Must Be Learned

Good morning…

Where shall I start? I have so much to say today… Let me set an intention… Lord, in my heart and in my mind and in my soul there is so much to share. I’d like to share it in a way that will be good for all who read, and good for me. Let me share it in that way, please. I accept. Ameen…

Good morning again. Today I woke up at 3 to the sound of the buses on the street and I was glad that they have become my new alarm clock, waking me at the hour that I love to be up. Yesterday I found out that Dream Lover has a young son that he had never told me about and the news almost broke me. It had been a really challenging week already and this little tidbit of information, along with other things going on, almost sent me on an existential crises again. But it didn’t.

This had not been the first time that some guy I had Loved had kept some really important secret from me. You know, they neglect to say, “Oh, by the way. I’M MARRIED.” Or, “yeah, I live with my baby mama and I just had another kid with her”. Or, “I know I told you that I want to be with you today, but just yesterday I was whoring around with my ex”… Yeah. These are the kinds of relationships I’ve had. So, yesterday, after finding out the news about another ex who had I had fallen in love with and then discovered that he had had a secret life all along, I had to take a look at myself and say, “It must be me. “Cus this kind of stuff doesn’t just happen to everyone over and over again.” So, I was sad. And I felt stupid. And I wondered what was wrong with me. And I wondered what was the point of even trying. And I was ready to pack up all my things and just give them away and just quit everything because I didn’t the see point of trying anymore. I figured it was just me, and no matter what I did, I was always gonna find myself in some f*cked up situation with some f*cked up man and life, because hey, something was wrong with me and that’s just what I did. So I almost quit…

And then I got a phone call. Four phone calls, actually, each one invalidated the belief that I was starting to form, the belief that I wasn’t sh*t and my life wasn’t sh*t and people weren’t sh*t, because each one of these four phone conversations was with someone who actually cared about others, all of these phone conversations were with people who give instead of take, and people who tell the truth instead of lie, and people who don’t need a trophy to do good and people who Love, or at least try to, and these four people, these four lovely human beings, were all men, and so I couldn’t start believing that all men were evil, because it wasn’t true. I knew some, I know some personally and in depth, who are good.

I’d like to tell you about one, though, because he is the only one of the four that lives close enough that I could see him on a daily basis if I wanted to… He is my new neighbor. I’ll just call him Neighbor. He is the one who gave me the key and took my money on the first night I moved into this temporary apartment, and we hit it off immediately. It was lively and fun talking to him and it was easy to be myself. And I was uplifted. And all relationships are not equal. Some people lift you up just by being around them and if you pay attention, you will notice the difference. On Sunday, when I met him, he had invited me to a dinner party at his house, and the party is today, but yesterday, he called to talk about some housekeeping things and we ended up having a long conversation. And he told me his story…

And that’s what it is about these hipster people. Many of them have deep understanding in their eyes, like they’ve seen a lot, but they don’t look sad, nor do they look like they are trying to be happy. They just look like they understand and they are open, I really like my new neighbors. Neighbor has been through some storms in his life, in a major way, he has seen much more “success” in the industry than me, and he crashed and burned as well. And now, his life is on purpose. He shares on purpose and he’s loud and open on purpose and he gives on purpose and he was pretty darn cool. He opened up and told me his secrets just like that and let himself be all vulnerable and it was the coolest thing I’ve experienced in a while. It was so inspirational. He is actually endeavoring to live a life of integrity, like for real for real. And he believes in authentic Spirituality. He used to a preacher on skid row and he just stepped down from that position to explore religion a little deeper… And he’s not down and out and broken and hopeless. He’s hopeful and strong and he’s doing it! I’m so proud of him… I found one! I found one like me! Someone crazy enough to tell strangers everything they have been through and think that it will make a difference in the world. It does! It makes a difference. It made such a difference to me last night. I’m not even going to tell you what he does or what the girl who I’m subletting this place from does, because it seems too good to be true right now, but I’ll just say that they are exactly the kind of people that I’ve been wanting to know…

And so, I started asking myself, what if things are happening exactly like they are supposed to? Yesterday the responsible party accepted liability for the car accident I was in, and I got a rental car. The rental car guy offered me a job at the rental car company, and I wasn’t gonna take it, but now I’m thinking, what if it’s exactly where I need to be? What if all of this was really a blessing. In my whole time in LA, I haven’t met people that I’ve liked this much, or if I have, I’ve never been invited to their dinner parties.

And I’m not even mad at Dream Lover for all of his deceit, and I don’t miss Mr. Almost Famous anymore and my other exes… Well, I let them all be. I don’t want to save them any more or pray for them or bust the windows out of their car or tell the public about how they really are. I just want my lessons to be learned. I accept that, God. I accept the completion of all of these lessons. To wait, and trust those who have proven themselves trustworthy. To value myself and know that I am worth courting. To expect and demand that the people I bring close to me are people who have shown that they care. To let myself be vulnerable and show my real face, knowing that I am safe. To spend time with folks because I like them, not because I’m trying to save them or do a thing out of a sense of some burdensome obligation. To share. To accept a person just as they are, and not look at them as some project to be fixed. To appreciate all the little acts of kindness and consideration. To make commitments and give success a fair chance before I back out. To be in the moment without the pressure of the future or the burden of the past. To enjoy and appreciate the mere company of someone that you feel alive with… I have learned all of these lessons from these men and I have no regrets. I am such a better woman because of them. I can let them be now. I am sure they have learned their own lessons from me, if they will accept them, but that’s not my business…

Today I’m looking forward. I feel like I’ve passed a major test over these past few weeks. I didn’t break! I took action in the middle of the storm! I let people help me and I let myself be vulnerable! I kept my smile on purpose and chose to share on purpose! And I listened to You, God. I didn’t run to the random men who are always ready to “comfort” a damsel in distress. I didn’t spend time with folks I don’t like, and I even told this one guy to stop trying to use me, and he went away. I am making it through the crossing! I am learning a kind of faith that I know will never be taken from me. I am not stopping! For once, I’m not stopping and I believe in myself again. You have no idea how thankful I am for this day. You have no idea…

Day 178

The Lessons Must Be Learned