Day 175 – At Your Wit’s End

Good morning World,

I just got a text from my bank telling me about how much is in my account… Interesting…

I’m moving into a new place today. It’s just a temporary situation, until the end of the month, and then I’ll be able to go back to my apartment if I want to… I’m not sure if I want to, though. I’m not sure about much, y’all. My body is falling apart. My body is intertwined with everything else that happens in my life… Everything aches. Head, shoulders, stomach…

I have a friend who always teases me and says that I should be a motivational speaker or a preacher of sorts. Sometimes I give fake sermons when I’m talking to him. So yesterday, I was trying to give a fake sermon about what you do when you feel like you’re at your wit’s end. Or better yet, when you  really are at your wits end. I couldn’t come up with an anything, though. Do you buckle down and focus and try to make a certain thing happen or do you let go of everything and let everything fall apart? God, You are telling me not to let everything fall apart. Instead, let everything come together. The answer is neither…

-At your wit’s end is just that: the end. But the end inevitably precedes the beginning. So let the end be the end and let the beginning be the beginning. Let your new life come together. Don’t quit this time, please. Don’t quit.

My friend told me that I am like a chicken finally coming out of it’s shell. I’ve come out and the new world seems scary and new and I have to use parts of me that I’ve never used before, so I’m trying to go back to the shell and piece it together, so I can be in a place that feels comforting and safe, but it won’t work. I’ve outgrown the shell, and even if I could piece it back together, I know what sunlight feels like, even a glimpse of it, and I would never be satisfied sitting in the dark again.

This is a challenging time for me, God. I know that I’m in the midst of the crossing and the other side is near. I know that I can’t really turn back and go back to my old life and run to my momma or some man to save me. I’m feeling tired, though, and weak, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it and I just want to go to sleep somewhere and not worry about my broken car or my low bank account or selling any writing or finishing any projects. I don’t want to have to date these usurious guys anymore in the search for a mate. I just feel like quitting and saying, “Oh well. I tried.” I can do other things. I can have a mediocre life, a different car, an okay man. I can go read poems at poetry spots instead of trying to sell books and movies and songs. Those things are much easier to do and I know I can do them instead of this hard sh*t… What do I tell them about this time? What do I tell myself?

-You tell them, you tell yourself, to stop fooling themselves. Stop lying. Once you know who you are, you will never be satisfied with being who you are not. We are going to make a choice right now. Are you going all the way or not?

I’m scared.

-Choose. Now. There is nothing I can do for you if you don’t make a choice.

I want to keep going, but I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I don’t want to be hungry and poor. I don’t want my body to be breaking down all the time.

-That’s good. Now choose again. This time, Let’s speak about what you would like, because this choice is what will create the next part. You have to trust Me. You have to know that every little choice you make has power, and so you tell them that when they are at their wit’s end, it is time to make a real choice. Don’t say that you don’t know what you want because you do know. You may not believe that what you want is possible for you. You may be afraid of the suffering that you think will come if you go for what you want, but you know what you would really like to happen, and so We start with the truth in choosing, and We say: “God, I really would like to be a writer with many works out in the world, and I really would like to always have more than enough money for me to live the lifestyle that I like, and I really would like to have a wonderful man that’s good to me, etc, and I really would like to be a part of community of people with high ideals. I really would like all of that stuff for my life. I really would like to help people in many ways, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do all those things. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid that it will be too hard. I’m afraid that I will have to suffer too much and I don’t want to suffer so much anymore. I’m afraid that if I fall apart this time, I will be broken for good.”

-That’s the truth, and from that truth, We can start to make a real choice that transcends your fears. So, are you choosing to go on?

(reluctantly) Yes.

-No, that will not do. Sit still until you choose to go on for real.

…. OK. Yes, I am choosing to go on.

-Good. Do you feel the power coming back in your bones already?

Yes.

-Good. Now, make an intention for how you would like it to be. Easy this time, right? You do realize that your mind has been stuck on struggling for a long time, right? I am glad you are choosing easy now.

I’m choosing easy.

-And what else?

I’m choosing joy again, even now. I’m choosing for this to be an easy, joyous adventure. Can I do that, God? Even with my bank account looking like it does?

-Yes you can. You can. You can trust. They’ll call you crazy. It’s ok. What are your alternatives? Feel sad and get all sick? Trust Me. Choose first so I can have something to work with, and then trust Me, and be glad because you are becoming the heroine for real. And what type of heroine would you like to be?

Happy, joyous, strong, healthy, powerful, loving, gracious, having everything I need to complete my mission always and then some.

-There you go! And so it is.

And so it is. Ameen.

Day 175

At Your Wit’s End