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Day 180 – When The Real You Shines Through

October 23, 2012

Good morning,

I’ve been up since late last night, but I’m not tired. I feel renewed. I talked to one of my favorite people in the world for about four hours last night, and then I felt invigorated, so I got up, scrubbed these floors for the first time, took a real good scrub down polish up everything bath, prayed for a long time, did some stretches, meditated, applied for a job, and now it’s 9:30 am. And I feel alive. And I want to talk about some things.

Actually, I’d like to talk about this being alone and this being broke down and this never having enough and feeling like we have to protect ourselves and fight everyone and this unhappiness thing that so many people (including me) seem to suffer from. It’s bogus. It’s a lie. It’s not the truth of your life, unless you choose it to be. I was sitting in my meditations today, and I stumbled upon something and I want to share it, but it’s not particularly clear in my mind yet, but I can feel it, and I will try to give you what I feel because I am really in a giving mood today.

These things that we strive for, they are already here. I know, once you spit it out of your mouth it’s hard to believe, so let me try again. For a long time, I have been struggling and scraping and crying and asking and begging and hoping for things to be different in my life, and today, when I sat down to pray, I looked at myself. This begging woman had become my identity. I had had other identities at other times in my life, but “Begging, Crying, Underemployed, Unfulfilled, Full of Potential, Sh*tty Man Loving Woman” has pretty much been the most recent manifestation of myself.

No, that’s not what I want to say. Let me try again, because I’m trying to share something, and it’s not about me. It’s bigger than me. I will not let the cloudiness in my mind blind me from the light. I will speak what is in me. Lord, I open up to see and say the truth of this feeling. There’s a lot going on here. More than we know.

What I know is that we actually have choices. All the time, independent of our circumstances. It can be tricky, because you have to believe in choices in order to see them. Today, I saw that I didn’t have to be this other woman any more, this person that I have been for the past few years, this almost me. I could actually be the real me, and I know it sounds silly, but this is a realization for me. I actually know who the real me is. I’ve just been stuck on that other version of me for some time, but I’m not fooling anyone, not even myself. The real me doesn’t beg and she’s pretty radiant. She always has enough money and she’s not just full of potential. She actually does stuff with her potential. The real me isn’t scared of too much and she’s really strong and sensitive at the same time. That’s why she can relate to so many, because she feels stuff deep. And the men? Well the real me was never somebody to hang around with folks who bring her down. Of course there are other aspects of myself, and I think I’ve gotten to know them over time, but I’m talking about the real me, the me in my soul. I got reintroduced to the real me this morning.

I had been letting all of this “stuff” cloud my vision. All of this stuff can really get in the way. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be hard to be yourself. It doesn’t have to be a war. I mean, if you’re not used to being yourself or if you haven’t been yourself in a while, you will probably experience some resistance and something in your life will probably fall apart, but it’s a blessing! It’s a blessing. You are coming into integrity with yourself. It is a sign of movement. Don’t get all scared and stop. Rest if you need to or cry or punch a wall or whatever, but don’t stop if you can help it. Let the real you come through.

I don’t have the words this morning. I just have the feeling, but the words will come some other time. It’s ok with me and I hope it’s ok with you… I wanted to share anyway, and I hope you will catch what I’m feeling. The outside things will come. You watch. I’ll tell you soon. The outside things will come, but it starts on the inside. It starts with a decision and deep commitment. You are worth it. Your life is worth it. I am crying tears of joy and every sad moment, every so-called disappointment, every heartbreak, every lost hair and every adventure I have been on is worth it for this moment that I can stand here, no matter what is going on, and I can smile with every part of me. I can get up and do stuff! I can still share even from where I am now and no one, nothing can bring me down. Nothing can really me down, because I am a bringer upper, and I know that’s not a word! And yet I know that it’s still good…

My life is worth something. Your life is worth something just because… Ameen.

Day 180

When The Real You Shines Through

From → The Good Stuff

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