Day 183 – See It Through

Ooooh Weee…

Feeling like I have literally been through the storm. October was rough. I remember this song from when I was younger “But baby sweet November… Will bring us back the love that we both knew”. Is there something special about November? I hope so.

I moved into a new place today. It’s temporary until I can go back to my apartment in a couple of weeks, but I’m glad I’m here. I was having a hard time deciding what to do next. Really, I’m not usually that indecisive. But I just didin’t know what to do, because everything seemed like it had come crashing down to nothing.

“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together” – Marilyn Monroe

I made it through yesterday. Can I tell you something interesting? Yesterday I got an email from a producer. I submitted my song, that I’m so proud of, to him so that he could consider it for the upcoming album of a particular singer. He wrote me an email, saying that he liked the song, but that it wasn’t right for said singer’s album at the moment. He also encouraged me to keep writing and said that things might change. I was crushed. The news came on top of a job rejection and was followed by an argument about nothing with Mr. New Guy. When I got home, I was hurting physically. I mean, my feelings were really hurt, but I was physically hurting too. I had to move out of my temp place, because I couldn’t afford it, and I really didn’t know where to go. I have some friends and family here, but I hate asking for stuff, and I didn’t want to go sublet a stranger’s place anyway…

So, I did what I do when I don’t know what to do. I cried and went to sleep. And then I woke up. It’s amazing how we usually wake up after sleeping, even if we don’t want to. I was really disturbed about my argument with New Guy, who is really Old Guy. You know what he said? He was trying to convince me that he’s always right about everything, and he said to me, “Over the past years, you’ve changed, but I haven’t changed at all”, as if to say that me changing meant that I had to modify my behavior and, of course, that meant that everything he had done in the past was right… So when I woke up, and my heart was still hurting, I thought about his comment. Wow. I had changed. For the better. He said it. He hadn’t changed at all. He said it. There was nothing else for us to talk about.

I was tired, you know? Really tired of things being so hard. Of all the conflict. I was tired of trying to convince people to like me and be nice to me and pick me. I was tired of myself and my life, because I just seemed to be trying so hard, but not really getting anywhere. Like I’d almost get somewhere and then disaster would strike. But he had said that I had changed… Wow.

So this morning, instead of sleeping my life away, I got up and packed my things. And I thought about the one person I knew in town who was actually kind on purpose and open to receiving kindness. This person’s ego wasn’t too big for apologies or forgiveness, and he wasn’t so caught up in his own life that he couldn’t see others. Going back to my momma wasn’t an option. Running to some dude wasn’t an option. Homeless shelters just didn’t seem appetizing and the thought of subletting made my head hurt, so I texted this nice friend of mine and asked if I could come stay with him for a while. And he said yes. And here I am.

And when my landlord came to move me out, he brought me some cupcakes, and he is so vibrant that he lights up the room. And then I checked the webpage of the singer who I wanted to sing my song, and I found that she had postponed her album altogether (she made the announcement today) so that she could do some soul searching. And this apartment has a parking space just outside of the apartment, so I don’t have to park a mile away.

And I don’t know anything about a man or a job or income or selling stuff or finishing stuff or where I will finally paint my walls at. I don’t know where this ends, God, but I know I want to see it out. One of my friend’s suggested that the world might actually be ending this year and I’m not ready yet. I still want to be here. I still want to live. I know that in the course of 24 hours, or twelve hours, or two hours, one’s life can change for the better or the worse or the better again, and we can’t always control the way things go, try as we may. But we can choose to get up, even in our weakest moments. We can choose to just see what’s gonna happen. Maybe we will die. Maybe we will live. Maybe someone will give us a cupcake or maybe we will give someone else just that one word that keeps them going.

I don’t know where this ends, but I’m willing to stick around to see…

Day 183

See It Through