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Day 174 – Redefining Strong

October 13, 2012

Good morning. It’s almost 7 am and I’m sitting my car. Someone ran into it yesterday and ruined one of the tires and gave it a couple of dents, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’m sitting in my car because my car is one of my favorite things, a sign that anything is possible….

Yesterday, just before the car accident, I went to a bakery to buy one my favorite foods, a pumpkin muffie. The cashier was smiling at me and asked how my day was and I  asked him about his. Then he said, “You seem so happy. What’s good in your life?” I almost asked, “Who, me?”, but instead I took the compliment and said, “I’m just glad to be here.”

And I am. I’m glad to be here today. The good things in my life aren’t at the top of my mind, but if I look for them, I’m sure I can find them: spending the  night with my sweet little sister the other day, someone giving me a new Iphone and me actually liking it, that cashier’s eyes yesterday, a bottle of spring water, thoughts of my funny niece and nephews… What’s also good is the peace of mind that is becoming me in spite of everything that is and isn’t happening. That guy said I looked happy. I didn’t want to tell him that my car was loaded with my stuff because I didn’t know where I was gonna live for a while. It didn’t even matter, because the truth was, I was happy.

I am happy. Maybe happy is not the right word, but my mind feels peaceful and steady and stable. I don’t have the urge to run away somewhere like I would in the past. I’m not interested in the flattery or companionship of random men like I have been before when things were challenging. I’m not even looking for a hero to save me from this. Nope. Sure, a hero can come, but I’m also open to being the hero this time. I can do it. I know this now. I accept that I’m really strong, and this is the time to actually show it.

Because homeless, manless, broken car, uncertain everything’s, and whatever else, I’m still gonna keep going. Yep.  That just it. I’m still choosing to be happy and peaceful and kind and open and loving. I’m still choosing to get my work done, in spite of whatever distractions I might create for my self and whatever distractions may come my way. I’m still choosing to trust in the Truth that I can’t always see. I’m still choosing the path of magic and miracles and dreams come true. I’m still choosing the good stuff…

And I’m choosing to be strong today. I’ve hated being strong for so long. Do you know what made me start hating being strong? When I was little my first love cheated on me. He was in the army and he went abroad and married this other lady and didn’t tell me about it. We had a long distance relationships and we would write each other letters (before internet became popular) and talk on the phone and he never bothered to tell me, “Oh, by the way, I married someone.” The other lady was older than me and she knew about me, but I didn’t know about her. And then when my first love came back to the states, he told me everything and had the nerve to say he still wanted to be together. Somewhere in our conversation, he said that he wanted to be instead of her because I was stronger than her and I could deal with him. But she was the one who’s bills he paid. She was the one he married. She was the one he took care of . This is when I started hating the word strong. And then in my other personal relationships,  I found that people associated the word strong with meaning that you could put up with their sh*t and that you would always be the supporter and the hero, but never the supported or the saved. I hated being strong, because to me, strong meant lonely, and used, and never considered and never taken care of. Strong meant that people depended on you but they never loved you. In my lack of understanding, I divorced strong and threw it off a cliff to die. But then I became weak and that didn’t seem to be working for me either.

So today, I’d like to be strong again, but I’d like to redefine it. Not that lonely, use me, never support me, me against the world, frowned face, puffed up shoulders sh*t. Nope. That can stay at the bottom of the cliff. In fact, that can disintegrate into thin air and then be cleaned out by the rain and drained into a black hole in the center of the Earth as far as I’m concerned.

I’d like to be nice strong now. Happy strong. Good strong. Supported strong. Mother Teresa with a smile on her face strong. Buddha with a big happy belly strong. I am choosing graceful strong. Open strong and Oh, my God, I am choosing a strong that involves loving and being loved. Yes, I am choosing to be strong and experience loving reciprocity. It’s not an oxymoron anymore. I know that it is possible to be strong and still be supported and cared for. I know that it’s possible to be strong and still be happy, and that’s what I’m choosing now.

I don’t know if the devil is after me or if I have bad karma or if this is just resistance that’s going on with my recent life circumstances… Maybe it’s my old life falling away or maybe these are just random events in the life of one person. It doesn’t really matter to me now, the explanations or the reasons why that we try to give to every event. I’m not worried about the “why” right now. I’m concerned with the “what”, meaning, I’m concerned with what I personally am choosing and doing for myself. I can’t control the outside world and I can’t control what other people are choosing. But I can choose a tone for my own life and if I choose a tone and live by it, then I can say that I lived with integrity and I did my best while I’m here, and that’s what I would like to say when it’s all said and done. So here we go. God, it’s a perfect day to get up and be alive. It’s a wonderful day to be strong enough to choose happy. Thank you so much…

Day 174

Redefining Strong

 

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From → The Good Stuff

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