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Day 181 – No Time To Cry

October 29, 2012

Starting this blog over. Going to my car where I can write without people staring in my face…

I have to do survival stuff this week. Oh, man. Can’t keep having these existential crises. I just want to cry, God. You say I can’t cry today. Things keep changing so fast.  I can’t get a good feel for anything. Just this past week, I met so many new people. I got job interviews. Blowing my mind. Options just opening up like that. Guys are knocking on my door again. No-one that makes me want to get up and turn summersaults, but good guys nonetheless. Honorable types that don’t cheat on or disappear and don’t try to coerce you into doing stuff they know you don’t want to do and offer you stuff on purpose… Where have they been all this time?

I’m tripping out. I don’t want to have to do survival stuff. My time in my temp apartment is almost up and I have to move again… I still have a bunch of bills to pay and I need to sort them out. Still have creative work to do. So much to do… I went to my writer’s group meeting this past weekend. Such smart people. It’s really cool to be around people who are smarter than me. I Love it. There’s this one lady who reminds of myself. Her parents are from the same place as my parents and we are about the same age and in a comparable “pretty” category… But she’s falling apart at the seams. I felt like slapping her when I saw her and telling her to get it together. It’s only as bad as you think it is. Get it to together and stop being a victim to life. Yeah. Go ahead and suck it up.

I know this is what we tell guys and girls are supposed to be weak and emotionally unstable and cry all the time, and there’s a time and a place to honor that part of yourself, but when you have bills to pay and things that need to be finished and hungry children, you’re just gonna have to put that crying, victim mentality on hold and do what you got to do to lift yourself up. Cry when you lay down in your new apartment. Cry after the bills are paid. Cry after you have submitted your writing project, or even cry while your writing, but get it done.

There is no time to be weak right now. I’m talking to myself. My old self, who wants to run to the room and bury myself into a new drama with one of these new men who has come around talking about saving me and giving me stuff… I’ll pass this time. Yep. I’ll pass on being saved by some random hero. They can help if they want to, but I’ll leave the saving for myself. I want to know that I can save myself. I need to be aware of my own strength and power. I need to know for myself that I’m smart again. I need to know that I’m able and that I can do this monumental task of living and working in LA by myself. They say that if you can make it in LA or New York, you can make it anywhere, and I agree.

And it’s no mistake that I’m here, in one of the best training grounds for compassion on Earth. It’s no mistake. I’m gonna show you, though, God. I’m gonna show that I have learned these lessons. You said trust people who have proven themselves trustworthy. You said do my best. You said accept my own strength and work like my life depended on it. You said Love and Love and Love and Love no matter what. Find something to Love. You said keep my heart open. So I’m gonna do all of that. Even in the midst of my fears. Because that’s when it really counts. That’s when the progress is made. In the midst of your fears and doubts and worries. When you make a righteous decision in spite of your fears, when you defy that nagging little voice that tells you you can’t do it, and you try and try anyway, when you turn away from the seemingly easy path because you know you need to learn a thing, because you know you need to finally grow, I think the magic happens.

I don’t know it  yet, because I haven’t experienced it yet, but I’m stepping out on faith. I have to…

Yesterday I wrote a letter to my dad. My dad passed away over twelve years ago. I was a daddy’s girl and I Loved him more than anything, but when he died, I never cried. I tried to, but I couldn’t. And yesterday the strangest thing happened. I went to my spiritual center, and I sat next to this big, handsome man, and at the end of the service, everyone holds hands and prays together, and this man held my hand really close to his and then he brought my hand to his forehead at the end of the prayer, and then he left… And I was shook. Broken open again. And for some reason, all I could think about was my dad, and his big hands. That guy felt like my dad, so strong and comforting…

And I went to the park afterwards and I cried my eyes out for my father for the first time. He’s gone. My hero is gone. I’ve been looking for him in every man since, but he’s gone. I finally realized that. It’s not so sad. I was a lucky girl, to have a dad who loved her, and I’m still a lucky woman. But right now, I want to talk to the girl in me, to the child in us, who has been walking around looking for a hero all of this time…

I want to talk to that woman at my writer’s group meeting that seemed like she had no hope and didn’t know if she was coming or going. Just sit still for a moment. Stop running and trying to distract yourself with everything. Sit still for a moment and look at it. Look at all that pain you have been running from. Just look at it. It doesn’t disappear unless you let it go and it will haunt you until you let it go. So look at it. It’s not that ugly. There are pearls in the midst of all of that. There are pearls in the midst of you. Make a choice to see them. See the wonderful life lessons that have come from all of that schtuff. You can take the lessons and let the pain go. You can. I am doing it in this moment. I am choosing, God, to let the pain go. Now and forever more. And if it means that I’m gonna have a breakdown and a revelation every week, it’s ok. Because, just like exercising, I’m gonna break down and break down and break down, but one day, I’m gonna wake up and look in the mirror and I’m gonna be a fine, powerful woman because I chose to keep on digging deeper until all the ugly layers fall away and the good stuff comes to the surface.

I’m not afraid. God, You have given me a way to get in touch with you and get to the bottom of things, and I am comforted again. Thank you. Now let’s get on with the day…

Day 181

No Time To Cry

 

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From → The Good Stuff

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