Good Day…
I just deleted a whole rambling that I’ve been typing for the last hour… It was just for me to sort out my thoughts. They are still not sorted, but I think they are clear enough to write down now…
I’m feeling all these feelings today without cause, and I’ve been trying to find a cause but nothing quite fits. Superstitious people would say that someone’s putting a spell on me. Maybe so. It’s funny to think that someone could think that I’m so important that they would devote their time and energy into trying to make me do or not do a thing, or take a thing from me…
I don’t know where to start. I’m trying to write from an intentional place now, so it changes the free-flowing aspect of things. I’m still learning how to balance spontaneity with inspiration and focus, so please be patient with me. OK… I’d like to talk about the thing that is occurring within me right now. I know it has to do with power and choice and surrender, so let me just see if I can sort it out and make it make sense.
I woke up feeling inspired and good, like I sometimes do. My hands were tingling and I was smiling without effort. I’m not working today, and I had planned to spend the day applying for some jobs and writing, and so I came to my computer to do that, but I couldn’t focus. I tried to meditate, but I couldn’t focus on that either. My mind was cloudy. Then I wrote the blog entry that I just deleted, and I was thinking about this “end of the world” thing that they say might happen soon, and inevitably the question, “What would you do if it was your last day” came to mind. And I didn’t have a clear answer…
I feel like I’m supposed to want to be with family or friends or someone somewhere, or I’m supposed to feel sad or bad because I’m not with family or friends or someone somewhere, but I don’t want to be anywhere but here, and I don’t feel bad about it. I feel good about it, and that’s super different for me. If today was my last day, I would feel good about my life, and it’s weird because I feel like I’m supposed to feel bad about my life, but I don’t. I mean, I haven’t done everything that I thought I would do, but God, you are whispering that I have done everything that I was supposed to do… and as I am writing these words, my heart feels like it’s expanding. Literally. Like they say on “Survivor”, I think I’ve played a pretty good game, and I deserve to be around a little longer…
I am going to take a moment to close my eyes and step outside of myself. I’d like to defer to you, God, because there is something wonderful in me itching to come out today, but I don’t have the words… and you say it’s not in the words today. It’s in the action. Action is funny. We live in such a selfish culture. Most people don’t act on anything unless they think it’s gonna benefit themselves in some way. I grew up thinking benefitting yourself was an evil motive for action, and so I spent a lot of time doing things because I thought they would benefit others, because I wanted to be good, but that didn’t seem to fill me up, either. It left me feeling depleted. Maybe the secret is balance. Sometimes you do things just because you want to give and sometimes you do things just because you want to receive. That seems healthy to me.
Lord, I am trying to defer to you for this day, but You are telling me that I already know what to do and think and feel and see and be , but I am telling you that I don’t. But I don’t even believe myself. I do know exactly what is happening here. I am going to a different place this morning. The root of my power. My long time companion, fear, is no where to be found. You say You banished him for a time and this is what life feels like without him. There is a sense of freedom and aprreciation. There is a willingness to reach out and touch someone, literally, and simply look deep into another’s eyes and share such a good laugh. Without fear, there is an urgent compulsion to get things done today. A sense of gratitude washes over you. A sense of humility. And it is ok to walk outside. You are not afraid of the people you will meet, with all their myriad agendas. You are not afraid to give what you are inspired to give, because You know that your gifts will come to you from those inspired to give to you. Reciprocity doesn’t always mean that the one you gave to will be the one to give back to you…
Just walk as you are lead, You say. Delight in the Grace of not being burdened with expectations. The hands that would pull you to be this way or the other no longer have a hold on you, and in the moment you are free to create life from a place of pure intention. Without fear. Be confident in your relationship with Me. I have given you a respite from fear, and you see already how the color of the world changes when you realize that there is no damage to be done. Everything will not make sense on this new adventure. You will not respond in the ways that you used to, and that is a good thing. That is evidence of change. You will become instead, you are becoming instead, an instigator of responses. A leader. A way shower… You are becoming Yourself…
Day 197
Without Fear
Good day World,
It’s such a beautiful day today. The sun has been gone for some time, but today it came out early and it’s still sunny and cool. I went running and did some stretches at the park. I feel energized and alive today. Grateful…
A lot has happened since my last entry, but I don’t know if I want to write about the events of my life or go in another direction today. I’m feeling so inspired and grateful. The season of my life is changing, and although winter is upon us, it feels like the beginning of spring inside of me. I have been planting seeds for a while, working the soil, uprooting, picking out weeds, getting rid of the crops that don’t bloom…
Today is peaceful. I would like to tell you one thing that happened. Besides being the last day of my writing class yesterday and the first day of orientation for my new job, I came upon a realization about love. Love (or the lack thereof) has been the theme of most of my life. This past week, I reconnected with one of my exes, the one who inspired this blog, and we fell in and out of love again in the course of a week. It had always been that way with us, though. Up and down, love then hate from day to day… Most of our arguments had always come from the fact that he would ask me to rely on him, and then he wouldn’t keep his word on stuff. I, in turn, would abandon him at the drop of a hat. This past argument was no different. He lied about something and then I told him never to contact me again. I ended it with a bang by getting back at him for lying to me…
But I didn’t feel so glorious. And after the thrill of vindication had subsided, I checked in with my Spirit. She was not happy with the way we had handled things. And it dawned on me. This was a man who, at one point, I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I really did. And this was a man who had actually considered me to be the Love of his life. Why were we hurting each other so much? I realized that he had never meant me any harm. No, he didn’t know how to be vulnerable and trust and receive love, but he had wanted to know. He had wanted me to show him. But when the going got tough (or even slightly uncomfortable), I left him. Every single time. I had never seen my self as the leaver or the person who doesn’t notice when someone is giving their all. I had always thought that I was the abandoned and the one who was put on the shelf, but yesterday, I saw clearly how much I had hurt him. I left him.
I prayed for forgiveness, and I asked him for forgiveness, and I am sitting here today analyzing this Love thing that we always talk about. What does it really mean? Besides having all of these feelings, how does love manifest in our actions? We have been saying I love you to each other, but what that has meant is, “I will only answer your phone calls when I feel like it, and I might not listen when you talk. When I get angry or scared, I will try my best to tear you down or I will leave you anytime you do a thing I don’t like. I might cheat on you and put your body at risk if I get bored enough. Oh, and you better act right, ‘cus if you make me mad, I won’t help you when you need it. I will get in the way of your greatest dreams, and I will only see you in relationship to what you can do for me. I won’t notice your laugh or your smile or anything about you unless it serves me. I won’t notice you dying…”
I have been the culprit and the victim of these “acts of love”, but life has changed. Just like that. Just like it always does. In a day. I realize that Love is an action word. It’s an on purpose word. It is an intentional caring and forgiving and noticing and supporting. It is an on purpose loyalty and receptivity, and sometimes it will stretch you and test your patience. Sometimes it will take everything out of you just to stay, or just to leave when you realize that there is no love in the thing you thought you loved…
Most of the time we don’t mean it. We don’t mean to hurt each other so much. We just don’t have a clue. But today, on this intentional adventure that we are taking, I’d like to put something in the air. We can Love on purpose. I mean, we can meet a person and get to know them first. Sure, chemistry and unknown forces are going to do their thing as far as attraction goes, but after that, we can choose who we want to Love, and we can choose qualified people, people who are willing and able to love us back. And we can become qualified people. We can actually notice the guy who brings us flowers and appreciate that simple act of love. We can answer a phone call even when we know that all they want to do is talk about themselves. And we can actually listen. We can take the time to be clear about how we feel and what that actually means in terms of action before we say I Love you…
I don’t know about you, but this dysfunctional relationship stuff is yesterday’s business now. I am ready for Love now, God, and I’m not even sad about it. Thank you so much…
Day 196
Love On Purpose
I think change in itself is a miracle. Think about it. Anytime anyone sets out to make any kind of change, they will face resistance. Drug addicts go through intense physical withdrawal. If you are losing weight, your body starts itching everywhere and you get muscle pains, and let’s not talk about changing an entire life. People who knew you before will taunt you with your old triggers, just because they are used to you being a certain way. You’ve got to be out of your mind and yet keep your sanity if you really want a positive change.
It’s 7:50 pm. It’s been a long day. I’ve been working really hard this week, trying to keep my word to myself and be disciplined. Almost every time I work on my script, I get short in the breath before it’s over. My old love fears are resurfacing. It’s easy to talk about the things I want to do, but the doing, the changing, the real life stuff…. Well, let’s say it’s a challenge to say the least. You see, I have gotten used to losing. Isn’t that silly? People do it every day, though. And then it becomes your life. And now, I’d like to get used to winning again, but oh, the resistance…
I’m at my writing internship right now. A group rented our office out to hold an evening event, and I am the point of contact in case anything goes wrong… And I’m thinking about change. The interesting thing is, I know I’m going to be one of the miracles. One of the people who change for real. I already am. I just have to keep going. This time, doing things on purpose…
Now that we are in the throes of change, we are seeing that it’s not all roses like we thought it would be. But we have been here before. And we have ducked down and retreated. We have gone backwards when things have gotten uncomfortable like they are becoming now. When fears have been dug up to the surface, we have run before. But since we have now decided, with all of our soul (and we have decided with all of our soul) that we will not let life pass us by, since we have chosen that we are going to experience Love and Success and the Fulfillment of our deepest dreams, there is no retreating now. There is no turning back. We are going to change. Finally. Once. And. For. All…
But how? This is what I’ve got, Laydie. This is me, the bigger You, talking to the little you. I know you are afraid. You are afraid of so much. But guess what? You have gotten stronger now. You are ready now. You didn’t even see it happening, but you have become strong. And you have become wise. And your fears? They are like whiney little children. Look at them as such and you will overcome them. This is your time. Do you understand? This is the time to face them all, to push yourself beyond yourself. This is the time to open even wider and forgive even more. And to give, Laydie. This is the time to give more than you thought you could. Because We are stretching, here. We are not going back to the old successes or the old failures. We are becoming a new thing. A bigger thing. More of the thing that you really are.
We are stretching, and at the beginning, it won’t feel good. It will hurt and it will wake up aches and pains that you didn’t even know were there. But as you continue, stretching will become like Love, soothing and releasing all that is not good. So when your breath gets short, breathe a little deeper. You can do it. When you become worried about what tomorrow might bring, get down on your knees and pray until you are sure that tomorrow is taken care of. And when your precious heart feels like it just can’t take any more, when you are scared out of your mind to be vulnerable, or if someone disappoints you, you find something safe to Love and you Love like your life depends on it. Hug your nephew. Give your sister a gift. Write Mr. Almost Famous something sweet… You Love in the midst of your fears, and soon the energy of Love will become your life…
This is the practice. Oh, this is the good part. I am here with you every step of the way. Do you see what you can do? If you get discouraged, just come back to your Self. I got you…
Day 195
Stretch
Good morning,
Today is one of those days already. A really, really good one. Sometimes nothing has to happen to make it a good day. It’s just a frame of mind.
Literally so much has changed since I wrote four days ago. I’m coming back to my real self again. I guess I was doing pretty good at the beginning of the year, then I got caught up with Dream Lover and fell off, and now I’m getting back to good again. I want to talk about Dream Lover today. Or rather, men. Or relationships really.
It has been a cycle in my life since I started having boobs. I’ll be doing really well, and then I meet some man. I fall head over heels for him and essentially give him complete power over my life. I feel weak and unstable. Something happens and we break up. I break down and spend some time doing really bad. Then I get back to good again on my own. Then I meet some man and fall head over heels… And the cycle continues. And all this time, I have been blaming the men.
But it is me who has been doing the same thing over and over again… I’m getting back to good again. In the past few days, I realized that I have angels for my friends and family. People have lifted me up and supported me so that I can have my basic needs while I’m in LA doing the writing thing. I got a full time job offer that I think I will like, which means that soon my financial situation will be much much better. I’m getting back to being disciplined, waking up on time and accomplishing little goals. I’m getting back to good again. Finally. And of course, as has been in the past, men are knocking on my door again…
So I sit here this morning, intentional. You see, I’m not interested in the up and down any more. I’m not interested in running in circles. I’d like the good to last this time. Forever, really. Of course there are “low” moments in life, but I’d like the good to last. Here. Now. In California. No more running away. No more super sad traumatic stories.
This weekend, I found out that I have friends. They have always been there, I just had to call them. And they are good friends. Fantastic people. And my family here is fantastic, too. But back to the men…
So, I used to think that I couldn’t do both. It was a choice. Either focus on your career or have a relationship. Either get a job or write. But it’s not true anymore. I can do both. I’d like an open heart, even now. So I ask God what I have been doing wrong to keep going through the same cycles, and He told me.
I have been trusting people who have never shown themselves trustworthy. I have been trying to make a man out of thin air, instead of paying attention to the men who were really in front of me. I haven’t thought that I had a right to ask, no demand to be loved. I haven’t thought much of myself and have given myself to men who cheat on me and lie to me and talk bad to me and don’t really care about anything I have to say and never remember my birthday and aren’t there for me when I need it. It’s not their fault. They have a right to be whoever they want to be. Nobody slipped any drugs in my drink or forced me to be with them. I had chosen to be with those people, and as I look back at them, I realize that I had never really sat down and analyzed anything.
And now, with clarity, I can make a new choice. I can finally break this cycle. I see that it has absolutely nothing to do with the men. It has everything to do with the standard I set for my life and my willingness to be open and giving and receptive.
God, You are asking me what is the standard. You know I don’t want to write it down, because writing makes things real for me. Do You think I can do it, God? Do You think I can actually have a good life finally? You say it is up to me and what I think… OK. I am willing to do it. I will set a new standard for my romantic relationships. Ha. That’s not hard at all. My standards have been so low. I’ll be public about it…
Let’s not talk about the little details. Let’s talk about the things that create the little details. First and foremost, he is completely single and unattached to anyone and he is willing and wanting to create and experience a profound Love in his life. That rules out 60 percent of guys, but You say that’s OK. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You deserve it. OK. Next, he is kind, compassionate, and honest, and he keeps his word. He thinks about things before he makes a commitment and he doesn’t flake. And mostly, he wants to be with me, just as I am. No makeovers. No new books I have to read. No telling me to be whatever religion or not or get whatever job or sit at home… He is thrilled to know me just as I am, and, at some point, he has sat down and decided that I am exactly who he wants to be with, just as I am. He answers my phone calls all the time or calls back as soon as he can… LOL… OK. Is that good, God? You say yes. That’s a good start.
I’ll start there. You guys don’t understand. I finally feel like I’m worth something. I finally feel like I’m a good thing and I deserve a good thing and I’m enough and I’m able. And I’ve had so many people rooting for me and I know I still have a ways to go, but I’m so thankful for this day, God.
I am done with heroes now. I can have partners and companions now. Asking someone to save you is a lot of work. Most people have a hard enough time saving themselves. I can analyze and choose who I want to love and be vulnerable with and understand why and do a thing on purpose now. I’m done with pining for love and being pitiful. I’m done with a life that is less than me. I think at some point you just have to buckle up, draw forth all your strength, prepare for your life to be disrupted, and claim that you are done with living a certain way. Goodbye dysfunctional relationships. Good bye sadness. Good bye fear and repression. Goodbye death. I won’t miss you at all… And hello Life. Hello.
Day 194
Breaking The Cycle (The End of Heroes)
I am in such a good mood today… Man, suffering is the mother of appreciation! I am so excited, but let me calm my nerves and focus…
Where should I start? I started writing this blog early this morning and was three quarters, but then I got distracted and had to take care of some things, and now it’s 2:40 in the afternoon, and I still have some more things to do, but I wanted to check in. Writing is good for me. It sorts everything out in my head…
I’ve just been giddy all day, though, and it’s hard for me to write about somber stuff like crying and the meaning of life when I’m feeling like this. So, I guess today is not a somber day. I guess today I just have to write about joy and happy things. Let’s see how this goes…
A friend of mine paid my phone bill today. He didn’t try to hit on me or act like I owed him anything. He said that I need my phone active if I’m gonna get a job ASAP. I asked him why he was being so nice to me and he said, “You’re a nice person. Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
Last night I saw Mr. Almost Famous on Facebook chat, and was inspired to write a poem about him. Then when I went to sleep, I had a long, detailed dream about him. Nothing nasty, but it was so vivid. And then when I woke up this morning, I spilled my guts and told him about my poem and my dream. I haven’t really communicated with him in a couple of months, but he was nice to me. He didn’t call me weird or a stalker, and I don’t even think he thinks I’m weird… It is the first time in my entire life that I have had a crush on a guy who has has been nothing but kind to me. He doesn’t lie to me. He keeps his word. He doesn’t judge me or try to make me act a way that I’m not, and, even though he could have had plenty of opportunity, he doesn’t try to take advantage of my weaknesses. And this morning, it just dawned on me that none of his behavior has anything to do with me. I think he’s kind to everyone. He brings the kind. And he brings the strong, ‘cus he’s not a punk. He brings it, though, and that is why I always feel so alive in his presence. Because he brings the life. It’s an on purpose thing on his part, and for once, it has nothing to do with me…
I can finally see that. I can see when people do things on purpose. When people bring things on purpose. My friend did an intentional act of kindness when he paid my phone bill. It wasn’t a ploy to get anything from me. It was him just wanting to give and me being a receptive space for the offering. I am humbled today, God. This is a new life opening up for me. This is a new way of relating to others…
I just got distracted again. My ex, the one who was the catalyst of this downward spiral that ended up with me crying every day, just sent me a text telling me he’s still in love with me. Hmm. Go figure… This downward spiral and this blog might have been the best thing that ever happened to me, because it has forced me to dig really really deep and find out what really matters to me in this life.
You know something? I was walking earlier today and thinking about Mr. Almost Famous and his kind, empowering ways. And I was thinking about all the guys I’ve ever dated. The ones I had fallen in love with always had massive, big lives, but I never felt big standing next to them. In fact, I always felt small and unable when I was with them. It was almost like a silent agreement between us. Their bigness validated my silent insecurities about being small, and me being small made them feel big. I was never happy with them if they exhibited weakness and they were never really happy if I did things on my own. It would set off a fear in us. They would be afraid that I would leave them if I could do things on my own, and I would be afraid that if they were weak, they couldn’t save me.
But I don’t need saving anymore. I am already saved once I accept that I don’t need saving. The same Source of life, the same Power that flows through those men, flows through me, female style, and I can do things on my own now. And it’s not even that I want to do things on my own, like I used to. You know, that independent woman let me prove that I don’t need anybody stuff? No. I’m not in that place. I know I need people, just like people need me, and I love helping and giving and receiving and connecting with folks. But I also know that I don’t need to stand next to a big, powerful man to feel big and powerful. I have a right to be happy even in my smallness. Even in my weakness. Even now, with everything falling apart and falling together, I can bring the big and the powerful and the happy. I can bring the Love. I can bring the grace with a single intentional word, with a simple act of kindness.
The other day my little sis introduced a new slang term to me. She was talking about a girl that just went to a party and waited for folks to entertain her, saying that the girl didn’t bring the party. And I get it. At some point, we have to be the cause of our experiences in life, instead of sitting around waiting to react to what people give us, and we have to be the cause again and again if we think it’s important enough, in spite of what people may bring us. That is the only way to create real change… I’m actually going to a party tonight, and I am so excited. It’s gonna be a good time no matter what, because I’m bringing myself. All of me. I’m bringing it…
Day 193
Bring The Party
I woke up late again today. Well, I didn’t wake up late, but I got off the bed late. I haven’t used an alarm clock in years and always wake up on time just based on how the sun shines through my window, but the weather is changing these days and at 9:45 it feels like a 6:45 morning, so I think I’ll start using an alarm clock now, since my body doesn’t get it yet…
I did wake up in the middle of the night, though. If I hadn’t written it down, I wouldn’t have remembered it. I had this fascinating dream about a new movie I’d like to write. It was so clear. I got up and wrote the details down in my notebook, and now that I’m fully awake, I don’t remember any of it. Except it’s there. On paper. So it did happen. Dreams are like that. They change us and then we wake up and don’t even remember that we were changed.
In my dream state, I was a professional writer. This new movie that I dreamed of was my third big movie, and my life was completely different. It all made such sense in that in-between space. The in-between space is so cool. You know, the place where you’re awake but not quite and it feels like you’re a part of something much more than your real life. It has left me now as I’m writing this. The dream is just a dream now, but God, you are whispering that the dream is real, too… The dream is the next iteration of myself, if I will but step into it.
You know I have a wild imagination, and my dreams are all over the place…
So good morning, world. I like this on purpose stuff. I have some places to go, and I’m running behind, so I can’t spend that much time blogging, but the Lord says there is something good I need to know, so I’m gonna keep moving my fingers until it comes out. What is it, God? For today? How shall we proceed?
You say that the dream was real. Reach deep into the dream of your life and pull it into your present state of being. Bridge the gap. Now. Today. You are a professional writer. Now. Today. Not some time in the future. Not only in some dream world. But now. Today. You have been building up on this intentional adventure, and I like it. It’s what happens when you really use your will. Yesterday, We learned that you are good enough now. Today. And today your instruction is to embody yourself. You are a professional writer, among other things. You know how your smile lights up a room. That is your gift, too, your arsenal for making it through this world. Bring it with you today. Use it.
My Dear, Dear Laydie, do you know how resilient you are? You have seen much about broken dreams and loss. You have seen the ugly in the world, and do you know you are there already? You are on the other side already. You have crossed the midpoint. You made it, with your smile and all. You still smile from your eyes. Step out of yourself and take a look… Congratulations… This part is about creation. Don’t forget. I know, you are used to being a victim, but even now, you are no longer a victim. So let us Create today, from deep in the dream of your life. I will take care of the minor details, I promise. Don’t worry about what they say. You will eat. You will have shelter. Your needs will be met, even now. Trust Me. You focus on your dream. Bring it here now. And keep Your Heart open. I have Love coming your way. I have Grace in the air for you. I have compassion and understanding for you. You don’t only have to be the giver now. Open your arms and see how great life can be for you, too…
Day 192
Bridging The Gap
Good morning world. I woke up today with a smile on my heart and on my face. I don’t know why it happens like that some days, but I’m grateful any way.
Can’t write long, because I have to get dressed so I can go to my internship at my writing center. I’m excited about going anywhere new these days, lol. I guess when you go somewhere new, there’s always the possibility of something new happening.
The holiday season is upon us. I could go down south and visit fam. They say the world is going to end, and maybe it would be nice to be with fam just in case that happens. But I don’t want to. I Love them, but I’ve got new on the mind. New what? I don’t know. One of my friends suggested that I am always living in the future or the past, never in today, so in the spirit of intentional adventures, Lord, I’d like to be a part of this day today. Let ambition and regret rest for a moment. Give nostalgia and hope a break and just participate in exactly what is here right now.
At this moment, it’s this magic computer that connects me with people all over the world. It’s my room with the bushy tree out of the window, the place I’ve come to know as home. Right now it is me. You are whispering to my heart that I am enough. Right here and right now. With all my issues and all the good things about me. With my hopes and successes and failures. Alone or surrounded by people. I am enough right here and right now. This is the smile I woke up with. I am enough. You are telling me to say it again and add the last part in. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. My life is valuable just as it is. People will tell you otherwise. That you have to be this, that and the other to have value, but you have value just as you are, flawed and all. You have value in your simple smile and in the smallest acts of creation. A good meal.
I have to get ready to go. Another moment in time with you, God. I Love you. Make this day a good day on purpose, You tell me. On purpose. You are going outside today. Congratulations. Remember that just your presence wherever you go is a good thing. You are a good thing. Oh, you need to remember and practice that remembrance. It’s not conditional. They will tell you you need money or stuff. It’s not true. You are a good thing regardless. You are a good thing even if you don’t always see it. You are still a good thing… Today, today, and today…
Day 191
A Good Thing Today
One of those days. Morning. Thinking about failures. Unsuccessful relationships. The loss of my mom’s house. The imminent heal the world trip that I was supposed to go on next month that I probably won’t make. They were waiting for me to lead them, but I was over here worried about survival stuff instead of planning.
I could have gone back home and that way I wouldn’t have had to worry about survival and I would have been able to plan the heal the world trip. I could have quit film school and saved my mom’s house. I could have just stayed with any one of my random relationships and it would have worked itself out by now…
I watched Cloud Atlas yesterday. One of those movies you either love or hate. I loved it. It was about the interconnectivity of everyone and how one’s purpose carries over from lifetime to lifetime until it is fulfilled. I thought it was an awesome portrayal of the possibilities of reincarnation. Whether or not I believe in that theory doesn’t matter. The movie did what any great work of art does: it made me come home and reassess my life and wonder about the possibilities… There was a line in the movie. One of the characters was questioning what decision to make, and the main character said: “Do the thing that you can’t not do”…
So, I’m sitting here wondering what is the thing that I can’t not do now. You see, this writing thing, this is my dream. This is for me. It is the thing that I can’t not do. Maybe it will help others, or maybe I will write an awesome movie or book that causes someone’s life to change, but I don’t write because I want to heal the world. I write because I have never been able to not write, because writing heals me and I Love it. But the other stuff, getting my mom a house or helping people or going overseas to make a difference in a way that I know only I can, that is stuff that I want to do for others on purpose and I know I can do. I think there is a part of me that can’t not do those things either. My life is all of it, but it’s none of it at this moment.
I have been reaching, Allah, into the fabric of it All. Reaching deep deep into the truth of it All, reaching to see what matters in a life. And You said this part should be on purpose, not just a rambling or a hoping, but an intentional decision of how We are to live, and intentional decisions are always wrought with hope and faith, because underneath an intentional decision is the belief that what you are choosing to create or have or do could actually come to pass. And so I am putting every ounce of hope and faith into these thoughts, into these decisions that come. Because I want to do it all, Allah, all of it.
I am not sure about what matters in the grand scheme of things. I am far removed from the books they said I should follow and the rules of my momma and society that were supposed to guide my life. How does one decide to move out to a city far from their nuclear family and pursue a challenging objective rather than stay home and do what’s safe? How does one decide whether to marry a person one doesn’t love or wait for a fictional something that may never happen? You know, these things are important. We spend so much time making reactionary, fear-based choices for our lives. We choose to live in a particular place because we are afraid of what might happen somewhere else, and we choose to be with this person because we don’t want to be lonely and we choose this job because we don’t want to be poor…
I have been trying to choose from a creationist place, God, but man, the results have been proving all the things that the scared people believe: that if you don’t follow the rules and do the scared people stuff and get some job some where and marry some safe dude that you don’t love and live near to people who will at least watch your kids even though you all hate each other, then you will become a lonely old nobody with no accomplishments. I am the scared people’s biggest fear and their biggest hope. Because even though I appear to be a lonely old nobody, I am a lonely old nobody with nothing to lose and the possibility of a dream coming true. The impossible dream come true seems like it just may be slightly possible for me for some reason. I know this. And God, I know that my family is looking to me to succeed. People I know and don’t know are looking to me to succeed. They are looking to me to prove that thing that people are so scared to hope. They are hoping that it is possible that if one sticks to one purpose, in spite of all the seeming disasters… they are hoping that it is possible that the dream will come true. They are hoping that I will show them that the dream can come true with my life, and I am hoping the same…
Because the dream is not my dream, Allah, it is Your dream for me. It has been in me as long as I can remember, and I am pretty sure that if I die and don’t fulfill it, the dream will not die… Like Teena Marie said in her song Deja Vu, I don’t want to come back here again. I’d like to get it right this lifetime. There is still time to get it right. The pity party is over. The time for being disempowered is over. I am reaching, Oh God, into You. They are waiting for me to do it, You see, and if that’s all my life is about, then that’s cool with me. I would live for that. I think that would be a life well lived. To give people hope. To experience the joy and aliveness that only comes when you are in alignment with your Purpose. That would be a fantastic life. Everything would be worth it. The person who plants an oak tree knows that they will never see the oak tree grow to it’s true potential, but the tree will remain after her death and provide so much for so many, and oh, the joy of planting!
Today I will walk in the direction of doing the things that I can’t not do. I will plant more seeds that may blossom into the life that I am here to live…
Day 190
On Purpose
Let’s start this again. There are so many thoughts going through my head. I was talking to a friend the other day, and he told me that I never get bored because I have such a wild imagination. I need to watch TV or play video games. I can just sit in a room and think about things and I’m entertained all day long.
I want to start this blog over, because I wrote one already for today, but it wasn’t intentional. It was just off the top of my head, talking about whatever I’m feeling right now, but I want this part of my life to be about doing things on purpose. I mean, I’ll still leave room for spontaneity, but I’d like to experiment with this delicate balance of setting an intention and still going with the flow. So please be patient with me. I’m real good at blabbing at the mouth and just saying whatever comes to me, but I’m not practiced with this “on purpose” stuff yet…
I’m at home all day today, because the gas people said I have to be available from 7am to 8pm so that they can come turn on my heater… Big city living… The old me would probably do one or two tasks and then talk on the phone for hours upon hours, but that doesn’t sound appetizing anymore and I’m trying to be the new me, right? So, my regular phone folks have already called, but I didn’t answer, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out what would the new me do in this day when I’m stuck at home. And I’m slightly uncomfortable with the thought of actually getting new stuff done.
So that’s what I want to talk about today. That’s what today is about. Overcoming resistance to the new, especially when you actually know without a doubt that the new is what you want to do, but you’re still tripping out about it. OK, God. How do we do this?
And the voice in my head somewhere says just do it. Take another approach. Instead of mind over matter, choose matter over mind. Wow. That sounds like good news. That was easy.
-Yeah.
Am I becoming a schizo?
-No. You already know what to do, so We don’t have to worry about that part. You are sure, and that is a very grand step. So now, your brain will resist. Your body might even resist. Heck, it might even rain when you go outside, because that’s how resistance works.
-But you do what matters, in spite of everything else that your mind and your body and the outside world throws at you. The mind is a wonderful tool, but it is a tool for you to use, not for you to be used by. Your patterns of self sabotage are recorded in your brain, and so your brain will resist once you try to do something different. You have to do what matters anyway, and soon your mind will bend to the new thing and create new patterns that make it easier for you to succeed…
Hmm… I feel kind of strange about this new way of writing. Do you know why? Ha ha. Because I’m not crying and feeling all this deep emotion like I usually do. And I’m laughing because that’s what I’ve been working towards. Not crying. But I’m not used to it…
-Give your mind a break today. Give worrying a break. Take a reprieve from being ruled by your emotions and feelings. We know they are important too, but today, for what We are trying to accomplish, they don’t matter. What matters is taking action on the inspiration you have already received. You don’t have to sound good writing about it. You don’t have to look good doing it, and of course it’s going to challenge your identity because it’s a new thing. So let’s get to the list, yeah? One thing at a time, Ok?
OK. One thing at a time…
Day 189
Matter Over Mind
It’s a new day. A new dawn. A new life, as Nina Simone put it. I’m at my little sis’s place. We’re going to do the Thanksgiving thing with some other folks today. It’s good. I’m good. I don’t know how, but I’m good. No big outward events… Small things.
In my new writing class, we are learning about setpieces, significant moments that move a story forward. Sometimes the setpieces can be big, explosive encounters, and sometimes they can be small realizations while sitting at a dining room table at your little sister’s apartment. I’m really happy today. I saw my mom and almost all of my family this week, I spoke with and saw a couple of my long ago exes and talked to a few good friends…
You know the best thing about my new writing class? The way they go about writing a script. The don’t tell you to write a bunch of pages within the first week, like most other classes do. They focus on teaching specific tools that help you develop your characters and define your story, and they focus on in-depth planning and clarity, and once you have mastered those things, you can start writing your 99-115 page script. What a concept. In-depth planning. An intentional adventure. I had written the script I’m working on twice already, and I ended up having the same problems in each draft, and it only makes sense to work out the problems before spending a lot of time doing another draft. When the problems are worked out, the words just fill themselves in…
And that’s how I feel about my life right now. I feel like I have spent a lot of time working out the problems. I didn’t even realize that that was what I was doing with this blog. I mean, that was my intention, but as I go back and read some of the older entries, I see that that is what I have been doing. Cleaning up. Clearing things out. Figuring out what I’d like my story, my life, to be about. And things have become clear. I have done some in depth character development on myself and finally sorted out who I am and who I would like to be. I know what kind of dynamic character’s I’m around and also I know what kind I would need to be around to accomplish certain objectives. I am ready to write my story, the next part of my life, on purpose now.
How Not to Cry Every Day has been a reactionary journey, and it was necessary for me, and important, because that’s where I was when I started this blog. That adventure has been well worth it’s time, but the pain has finally been released. The confusion has cleared, and my vision has expanded to see that even in the midst of despair the opportunities for our lives our boundless. And so, for this part, I’m going to do like my writing class. I’m going to spend my energy doing intentional activities that could produce certain results, not just reacting to circumstances and bumbling along.
So here, we go. A new chapter. This should be exciting. I’m not afraid to go there now. All the way with my life. Nothing can really happen to me. Sure I can die, but what’s new? I can actually live, like experience those great things that I see in the movies. I can write the movies. I’m not scared anymore.
For my life, I am writing a hybrid movie. A romantic adventure, with hints of comedy and the supernatural. I’ve already outlined it. The story ends with the main character overcoming her misbehaviors and having all of her dreams come true. All of them. The setpieces are sprinkled with moments of profound connection and growth and Divine Joy. There are many dynamic characters throughout the story, but one or two constants… My life is my life again, God, and I am so grateful. The story is clear. The heartache is gone. The channels are open and the good is flowing through me again. And it’s not burdensome to be nice anymore. It’s a pleasure… Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
Let’s go. Come with me, please. I hope to give you something that lifts you up. I hope to help comfort you. I hope to let you know that, “we’re in this together”, like the sweet girl in my writing class said the other day. I hope that you, too, make it to the other side, and all of the dreams that are good for you come true…
Ameen
Day 188
An Intentional Adventure
