I am in such a good mood today… Man, suffering is the mother of appreciation! I am so excited, but let me calm my nerves and focus…
Where should I start? I started writing this blog early this morning and was three quarters, but then I got distracted and had to take care of some things, and now it’s 2:40 in the afternoon, and I still have some more things to do, but I wanted to check in. Writing is good for me. It sorts everything out in my head…
I’ve just been giddy all day, though, and it’s hard for me to write about somber stuff like crying and the meaning of life when I’m feeling like this. So, I guess today is not a somber day. I guess today I just have to write about joy and happy things. Let’s see how this goes…
A friend of mine paid my phone bill today. He didn’t try to hit on me or act like I owed him anything. He said that I need my phone active if I’m gonna get a job ASAP. I asked him why he was being so nice to me and he said, “You’re a nice person. Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
Last night I saw Mr. Almost Famous on Facebook chat, and was inspired to write a poem about him. Then when I went to sleep, I had a long, detailed dream about him. Nothing nasty, but it was so vivid. And then when I woke up this morning, I spilled my guts and told him about my poem and my dream. I haven’t really communicated with him in a couple of months, but he was nice to me. He didn’t call me weird or a stalker, and I don’t even think he thinks I’m weird… It is the first time in my entire life that I have had a crush on a guy who has has been nothing but kind to me. He doesn’t lie to me. He keeps his word. He doesn’t judge me or try to make me act a way that I’m not, and, even though he could have had plenty of opportunity, he doesn’t try to take advantage of my weaknesses. And this morning, it just dawned on me that none of his behavior has anything to do with me. I think he’s kind to everyone. He brings the kind. And he brings the strong, ‘cus he’s not a punk. He brings it, though, and that is why I always feel so alive in his presence. Because he brings the life. It’s an on purpose thing on his part, and for once, it has nothing to do with me…
I can finally see that. I can see when people do things on purpose. When people bring things on purpose. My friend did an intentional act of kindness when he paid my phone bill. It wasn’t a ploy to get anything from me. It was him just wanting to give and me being a receptive space for the offering. I am humbled today, God. This is a new life opening up for me. This is a new way of relating to others…
I just got distracted again. My ex, the one who was the catalyst of this downward spiral that ended up with me crying every day, just sent me a text telling me he’s still in love with me. Hmm. Go figure… This downward spiral and this blog might have been the best thing that ever happened to me, because it has forced me to dig really really deep and find out what really matters to me in this life.
You know something? I was walking earlier today and thinking about Mr. Almost Famous and his kind, empowering ways. And I was thinking about all the guys I’ve ever dated. The ones I had fallen in love with always had massive, big lives, but I never felt big standing next to them. In fact, I always felt small and unable when I was with them. It was almost like a silent agreement between us. Their bigness validated my silent insecurities about being small, and me being small made them feel big. I was never happy with them if they exhibited weakness and they were never really happy if I did things on my own. It would set off a fear in us. They would be afraid that I would leave them if I could do things on my own, and I would be afraid that if they were weak, they couldn’t save me.
But I don’t need saving anymore. I am already saved once I accept that I don’t need saving. The same Source of life, the same Power that flows through those men, flows through me, female style, and I can do things on my own now. And it’s not even that I want to do things on my own, like I used to. You know, that independent woman let me prove that I don’t need anybody stuff? No. I’m not in that place. I know I need people, just like people need me, and I love helping and giving and receiving and connecting with folks. But I also know that I don’t need to stand next to a big, powerful man to feel big and powerful. I have a right to be happy even in my smallness. Even in my weakness. Even now, with everything falling apart and falling together, I can bring the big and the powerful and the happy. I can bring the Love. I can bring the grace with a single intentional word, with a simple act of kindness.
The other day my little sis introduced a new slang term to me. She was talking about a girl that just went to a party and waited for folks to entertain her, saying that the girl didn’t bring the party. And I get it. At some point, we have to be the cause of our experiences in life, instead of sitting around waiting to react to what people give us, and we have to be the cause again and again if we think it’s important enough, in spite of what people may bring us. That is the only way to create real change… I’m actually going to a party tonight, and I am so excited. It’s gonna be a good time no matter what, because I’m bringing myself. All of me. I’m bringing it…
Day 193
Bring The Party
I woke up late again today. Well, I didn’t wake up late, but I got off the bed late. I haven’t used an alarm clock in years and always wake up on time just based on how the sun shines through my window, but the weather is changing these days and at 9:45 it feels like a 6:45 morning, so I think I’ll start using an alarm clock now, since my body doesn’t get it yet…
I did wake up in the middle of the night, though. If I hadn’t written it down, I wouldn’t have remembered it. I had this fascinating dream about a new movie I’d like to write. It was so clear. I got up and wrote the details down in my notebook, and now that I’m fully awake, I don’t remember any of it. Except it’s there. On paper. So it did happen. Dreams are like that. They change us and then we wake up and don’t even remember that we were changed.
In my dream state, I was a professional writer. This new movie that I dreamed of was my third big movie, and my life was completely different. It all made such sense in that in-between space. The in-between space is so cool. You know, the place where you’re awake but not quite and it feels like you’re a part of something much more than your real life. It has left me now as I’m writing this. The dream is just a dream now, but God, you are whispering that the dream is real, too… The dream is the next iteration of myself, if I will but step into it.
You know I have a wild imagination, and my dreams are all over the place…
So good morning, world. I like this on purpose stuff. I have some places to go, and I’m running behind, so I can’t spend that much time blogging, but the Lord says there is something good I need to know, so I’m gonna keep moving my fingers until it comes out. What is it, God? For today? How shall we proceed?
You say that the dream was real. Reach deep into the dream of your life and pull it into your present state of being. Bridge the gap. Now. Today. You are a professional writer. Now. Today. Not some time in the future. Not only in some dream world. But now. Today. You have been building up on this intentional adventure, and I like it. It’s what happens when you really use your will. Yesterday, We learned that you are good enough now. Today. And today your instruction is to embody yourself. You are a professional writer, among other things. You know how your smile lights up a room. That is your gift, too, your arsenal for making it through this world. Bring it with you today. Use it.
My Dear, Dear Laydie, do you know how resilient you are? You have seen much about broken dreams and loss. You have seen the ugly in the world, and do you know you are there already? You are on the other side already. You have crossed the midpoint. You made it, with your smile and all. You still smile from your eyes. Step out of yourself and take a look… Congratulations… This part is about creation. Don’t forget. I know, you are used to being a victim, but even now, you are no longer a victim. So let us Create today, from deep in the dream of your life. I will take care of the minor details, I promise. Don’t worry about what they say. You will eat. You will have shelter. Your needs will be met, even now. Trust Me. You focus on your dream. Bring it here now. And keep Your Heart open. I have Love coming your way. I have Grace in the air for you. I have compassion and understanding for you. You don’t only have to be the giver now. Open your arms and see how great life can be for you, too…
Day 192
Bridging The Gap
Good morning world. I woke up today with a smile on my heart and on my face. I don’t know why it happens like that some days, but I’m grateful any way.
Can’t write long, because I have to get dressed so I can go to my internship at my writing center. I’m excited about going anywhere new these days, lol. I guess when you go somewhere new, there’s always the possibility of something new happening.
The holiday season is upon us. I could go down south and visit fam. They say the world is going to end, and maybe it would be nice to be with fam just in case that happens. But I don’t want to. I Love them, but I’ve got new on the mind. New what? I don’t know. One of my friends suggested that I am always living in the future or the past, never in today, so in the spirit of intentional adventures, Lord, I’d like to be a part of this day today. Let ambition and regret rest for a moment. Give nostalgia and hope a break and just participate in exactly what is here right now.
At this moment, it’s this magic computer that connects me with people all over the world. It’s my room with the bushy tree out of the window, the place I’ve come to know as home. Right now it is me. You are whispering to my heart that I am enough. Right here and right now. With all my issues and all the good things about me. With my hopes and successes and failures. Alone or surrounded by people. I am enough right here and right now. This is the smile I woke up with. I am enough. You are telling me to say it again and add the last part in. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. I am good enough. My life is valuable just as it is. People will tell you otherwise. That you have to be this, that and the other to have value, but you have value just as you are, flawed and all. You have value in your simple smile and in the smallest acts of creation. A good meal.
I have to get ready to go. Another moment in time with you, God. I Love you. Make this day a good day on purpose, You tell me. On purpose. You are going outside today. Congratulations. Remember that just your presence wherever you go is a good thing. You are a good thing. Oh, you need to remember and practice that remembrance. It’s not conditional. They will tell you you need money or stuff. It’s not true. You are a good thing regardless. You are a good thing even if you don’t always see it. You are still a good thing… Today, today, and today…
Day 191
A Good Thing Today
One of those days. Morning. Thinking about failures. Unsuccessful relationships. The loss of my mom’s house. The imminent heal the world trip that I was supposed to go on next month that I probably won’t make. They were waiting for me to lead them, but I was over here worried about survival stuff instead of planning.
I could have gone back home and that way I wouldn’t have had to worry about survival and I would have been able to plan the heal the world trip. I could have quit film school and saved my mom’s house. I could have just stayed with any one of my random relationships and it would have worked itself out by now…
I watched Cloud Atlas yesterday. One of those movies you either love or hate. I loved it. It was about the interconnectivity of everyone and how one’s purpose carries over from lifetime to lifetime until it is fulfilled. I thought it was an awesome portrayal of the possibilities of reincarnation. Whether or not I believe in that theory doesn’t matter. The movie did what any great work of art does: it made me come home and reassess my life and wonder about the possibilities… There was a line in the movie. One of the characters was questioning what decision to make, and the main character said: “Do the thing that you can’t not do”…
So, I’m sitting here wondering what is the thing that I can’t not do now. You see, this writing thing, this is my dream. This is for me. It is the thing that I can’t not do. Maybe it will help others, or maybe I will write an awesome movie or book that causes someone’s life to change, but I don’t write because I want to heal the world. I write because I have never been able to not write, because writing heals me and I Love it. But the other stuff, getting my mom a house or helping people or going overseas to make a difference in a way that I know only I can, that is stuff that I want to do for others on purpose and I know I can do. I think there is a part of me that can’t not do those things either. My life is all of it, but it’s none of it at this moment.
I have been reaching, Allah, into the fabric of it All. Reaching deep deep into the truth of it All, reaching to see what matters in a life. And You said this part should be on purpose, not just a rambling or a hoping, but an intentional decision of how We are to live, and intentional decisions are always wrought with hope and faith, because underneath an intentional decision is the belief that what you are choosing to create or have or do could actually come to pass. And so I am putting every ounce of hope and faith into these thoughts, into these decisions that come. Because I want to do it all, Allah, all of it.
I am not sure about what matters in the grand scheme of things. I am far removed from the books they said I should follow and the rules of my momma and society that were supposed to guide my life. How does one decide to move out to a city far from their nuclear family and pursue a challenging objective rather than stay home and do what’s safe? How does one decide whether to marry a person one doesn’t love or wait for a fictional something that may never happen? You know, these things are important. We spend so much time making reactionary, fear-based choices for our lives. We choose to live in a particular place because we are afraid of what might happen somewhere else, and we choose to be with this person because we don’t want to be lonely and we choose this job because we don’t want to be poor…
I have been trying to choose from a creationist place, God, but man, the results have been proving all the things that the scared people believe: that if you don’t follow the rules and do the scared people stuff and get some job some where and marry some safe dude that you don’t love and live near to people who will at least watch your kids even though you all hate each other, then you will become a lonely old nobody with no accomplishments. I am the scared people’s biggest fear and their biggest hope. Because even though I appear to be a lonely old nobody, I am a lonely old nobody with nothing to lose and the possibility of a dream coming true. The impossible dream come true seems like it just may be slightly possible for me for some reason. I know this. And God, I know that my family is looking to me to succeed. People I know and don’t know are looking to me to succeed. They are looking to me to prove that thing that people are so scared to hope. They are hoping that it is possible that if one sticks to one purpose, in spite of all the seeming disasters… they are hoping that it is possible that the dream will come true. They are hoping that I will show them that the dream can come true with my life, and I am hoping the same…
Because the dream is not my dream, Allah, it is Your dream for me. It has been in me as long as I can remember, and I am pretty sure that if I die and don’t fulfill it, the dream will not die… Like Teena Marie said in her song Deja Vu, I don’t want to come back here again. I’d like to get it right this lifetime. There is still time to get it right. The pity party is over. The time for being disempowered is over. I am reaching, Oh God, into You. They are waiting for me to do it, You see, and if that’s all my life is about, then that’s cool with me. I would live for that. I think that would be a life well lived. To give people hope. To experience the joy and aliveness that only comes when you are in alignment with your Purpose. That would be a fantastic life. Everything would be worth it. The person who plants an oak tree knows that they will never see the oak tree grow to it’s true potential, but the tree will remain after her death and provide so much for so many, and oh, the joy of planting!
Today I will walk in the direction of doing the things that I can’t not do. I will plant more seeds that may blossom into the life that I am here to live…
Day 190
On Purpose
Let’s start this again. There are so many thoughts going through my head. I was talking to a friend the other day, and he told me that I never get bored because I have such a wild imagination. I need to watch TV or play video games. I can just sit in a room and think about things and I’m entertained all day long.
I want to start this blog over, because I wrote one already for today, but it wasn’t intentional. It was just off the top of my head, talking about whatever I’m feeling right now, but I want this part of my life to be about doing things on purpose. I mean, I’ll still leave room for spontaneity, but I’d like to experiment with this delicate balance of setting an intention and still going with the flow. So please be patient with me. I’m real good at blabbing at the mouth and just saying whatever comes to me, but I’m not practiced with this “on purpose” stuff yet…
I’m at home all day today, because the gas people said I have to be available from 7am to 8pm so that they can come turn on my heater… Big city living… The old me would probably do one or two tasks and then talk on the phone for hours upon hours, but that doesn’t sound appetizing anymore and I’m trying to be the new me, right? So, my regular phone folks have already called, but I didn’t answer, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out what would the new me do in this day when I’m stuck at home. And I’m slightly uncomfortable with the thought of actually getting new stuff done.
So that’s what I want to talk about today. That’s what today is about. Overcoming resistance to the new, especially when you actually know without a doubt that the new is what you want to do, but you’re still tripping out about it. OK, God. How do we do this?
And the voice in my head somewhere says just do it. Take another approach. Instead of mind over matter, choose matter over mind. Wow. That sounds like good news. That was easy.
-Yeah.
Am I becoming a schizo?
-No. You already know what to do, so We don’t have to worry about that part. You are sure, and that is a very grand step. So now, your brain will resist. Your body might even resist. Heck, it might even rain when you go outside, because that’s how resistance works.
-But you do what matters, in spite of everything else that your mind and your body and the outside world throws at you. The mind is a wonderful tool, but it is a tool for you to use, not for you to be used by. Your patterns of self sabotage are recorded in your brain, and so your brain will resist once you try to do something different. You have to do what matters anyway, and soon your mind will bend to the new thing and create new patterns that make it easier for you to succeed…
Hmm… I feel kind of strange about this new way of writing. Do you know why? Ha ha. Because I’m not crying and feeling all this deep emotion like I usually do. And I’m laughing because that’s what I’ve been working towards. Not crying. But I’m not used to it…
-Give your mind a break today. Give worrying a break. Take a reprieve from being ruled by your emotions and feelings. We know they are important too, but today, for what We are trying to accomplish, they don’t matter. What matters is taking action on the inspiration you have already received. You don’t have to sound good writing about it. You don’t have to look good doing it, and of course it’s going to challenge your identity because it’s a new thing. So let’s get to the list, yeah? One thing at a time, Ok?
OK. One thing at a time…
Day 189
Matter Over Mind
It’s a new day. A new dawn. A new life, as Nina Simone put it. I’m at my little sis’s place. We’re going to do the Thanksgiving thing with some other folks today. It’s good. I’m good. I don’t know how, but I’m good. No big outward events… Small things.
In my new writing class, we are learning about setpieces, significant moments that move a story forward. Sometimes the setpieces can be big, explosive encounters, and sometimes they can be small realizations while sitting at a dining room table at your little sister’s apartment. I’m really happy today. I saw my mom and almost all of my family this week, I spoke with and saw a couple of my long ago exes and talked to a few good friends…
You know the best thing about my new writing class? The way they go about writing a script. The don’t tell you to write a bunch of pages within the first week, like most other classes do. They focus on teaching specific tools that help you develop your characters and define your story, and they focus on in-depth planning and clarity, and once you have mastered those things, you can start writing your 99-115 page script. What a concept. In-depth planning. An intentional adventure. I had written the script I’m working on twice already, and I ended up having the same problems in each draft, and it only makes sense to work out the problems before spending a lot of time doing another draft. When the problems are worked out, the words just fill themselves in…
And that’s how I feel about my life right now. I feel like I have spent a lot of time working out the problems. I didn’t even realize that that was what I was doing with this blog. I mean, that was my intention, but as I go back and read some of the older entries, I see that that is what I have been doing. Cleaning up. Clearing things out. Figuring out what I’d like my story, my life, to be about. And things have become clear. I have done some in depth character development on myself and finally sorted out who I am and who I would like to be. I know what kind of dynamic character’s I’m around and also I know what kind I would need to be around to accomplish certain objectives. I am ready to write my story, the next part of my life, on purpose now.
How Not to Cry Every Day has been a reactionary journey, and it was necessary for me, and important, because that’s where I was when I started this blog. That adventure has been well worth it’s time, but the pain has finally been released. The confusion has cleared, and my vision has expanded to see that even in the midst of despair the opportunities for our lives our boundless. And so, for this part, I’m going to do like my writing class. I’m going to spend my energy doing intentional activities that could produce certain results, not just reacting to circumstances and bumbling along.
So here, we go. A new chapter. This should be exciting. I’m not afraid to go there now. All the way with my life. Nothing can really happen to me. Sure I can die, but what’s new? I can actually live, like experience those great things that I see in the movies. I can write the movies. I’m not scared anymore.
For my life, I am writing a hybrid movie. A romantic adventure, with hints of comedy and the supernatural. I’ve already outlined it. The story ends with the main character overcoming her misbehaviors and having all of her dreams come true. All of them. The setpieces are sprinkled with moments of profound connection and growth and Divine Joy. There are many dynamic characters throughout the story, but one or two constants… My life is my life again, God, and I am so grateful. The story is clear. The heartache is gone. The channels are open and the good is flowing through me again. And it’s not burdensome to be nice anymore. It’s a pleasure… Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
Let’s go. Come with me, please. I hope to give you something that lifts you up. I hope to help comfort you. I hope to let you know that, “we’re in this together”, like the sweet girl in my writing class said the other day. I hope that you, too, make it to the other side, and all of the dreams that are good for you come true…
Ameen
Day 188
An Intentional Adventure
Good morning World,
I’m sitting at home on my bed. Woke up good today. Worked a background acting gig yesterday. Came home pretty tired. Spent a lot of time in prayer…
Joined that writing class on Monday. They said we should write every day, no matter what it is. They also said we should dedicate ten hours a week to working on one particular project, and break the ten hours up into at least five days of 1 and a half to two hour sessions. The teacher said it teaches discipline, keeps the mind focused on our project, and forces us to be efficient and constructive with our time.
Today. Discipline is the name of the game today. Faith is the name of the game. Life seems to ebb and flow…
We have come too far on this journey to turn back. We have come too far to stop. Today I would like to dig a little deeper, God. I need some strength and faith. All the familiar comforts of my life have fallen away. There is no man to like and fantasize about. There is nothing concrete on the horizon that I can look forward to. My old life is falling apart right before my eyes, and I don’t even want to save it. At my spiritual center, one of the speakers said that we should stop trying to save the world. There are a lot of ideas and opinions and customs and ways of living that aren’t worth saving. He said that we should focus on creating a new world, one that reflects a higher consciousness…
These thoughts are kind of deep, even for me. My old life wasn’t that bad. I guess I’ve had different lives in my life, and my California life has been way different than my life before I came here. It’s funny. I liked my life down South much better, but I have grown tremendously because of California, and now my life down South won’t fit… California is about business. And success. It is Love starved. It’s an opportunistic and self-serving place in general… This is quite a city for growing up. A city of dreamers. A city where your mommy is no longer with you, and you have to do it on your own…
I live in the City of Angels, and angels are much needed here. I’m thinking of the book “The Alchemist”. The main character Diego goes on a journey to find his treasure, not knowing what his treasure is, but only knowing that it does exist. Geez. I have come to this. What a place to be. There is nothing on the outside that gets me off of the bed these days. No dangling carrot. No somebody that I want to see. No problems to solve. Not seeking some random entertainment or distraction. Only the thought that I have work to do, that I have a treasure to find and give…
God, You say that this is a good place to be, and I say OK. This has been quite a year, huh? We have been a lot of places. We have done a lot of cleaning and soul searching. We have learned a lot. And now we are learning about taking responsibility for our lives. This is the new thing, huh God? I am remembering a song, “Orinoco Flow”, and the line, “That will be the return to yourself. A return to innocence.” What a song. Someone knew something and they wrote about it. And I heard that song over fifteen years ago, and I’m just now understanding it. And it’s beautiful.
I am remembering a time before I knew heartbreak. I am remembering a time before disappointment and failure. I am remembering a time when I had a best friend that I really shared everything with and she shared everything with me. I am remembering the days when I believed that I would be a writer and a teacher and a mommy, the days when I thought traveling the world and meeting all kinds of people would be quite a life. I am remembering myself. I am still that girl, but I am a woman now. I have seen the other side, and I know that heartbreak does exist. And disappointment. And failure. And sometimes friends drift apart, and sometimes dreams are only dreams and they never come true.
But this is the funny part. We grow up, and we see the bad stuff, and we forget the good stuff, but the good stuff still exists, right alongside the other stuff. Love still exists, and we can still love in that same kind of way that we loved before that one person broke our hearts. It takes a little courage, but it’s still possible. And even after having failed at something, we are still worthy of success. It can still happen.
And the resurrection of a dream. Oh, that’s the best part for me. You can still live your dream, even if you haven’t done it yet. When you are a grown-up, people tell you to be realistic, and that’s a good thing. We live in the world. But what many of us don’t talk about is the fact that your dream could be your reality, or at least you could set it up so that your dream becomes someone else’s reality, like Martin Luther King had a dream that we are all now living…
I just got a call that my car is ready to be picked up. After more than a month of being in the shop, I get my baby back! I’m glad.
The world can fall apart. I remember when that healer lady told me to get excited because I was going to die! LOL. My old world can fall apart. It’s fine. It no longer represents what I’m becoming and where I’m going with my life. I’m about good Love with people who are ready, willing, and able to share good Love with me now. I’m about openness combined with wisdom. I’m about integrity and joy and purpose. I’m about honesty and trust. And I’m about powerful people (we are all powerful), who recognize that they are able to do things in the world and are willing to do them without trying to bring others down on the way. The cool folks. These are my new folks. It’s all right if I’m not on their level yet. I’m gonna get there real soon. It’s in me…
In the meantime, I’ll take it day by day. This day is the first day of my life and it could be the last. I’m gonna live it…
Day 187
Resurrection Of The Dream
Gypsy days are over!!! I’m back in my apartment…
It feels strange. It’s safe here. Much different than all the other places I’ve been this past month. It took all that for me realize that I actually like my apartment. Of course, things could be better, etc, etc, but I have discovered that things could be much much worse. My apartment is clean, and it’ spacious, and it lets in light everywhere, and when I look out of the windows I see trees, and when I open the windows, fresh air comes in, and it’s good vibes in here and I am grateful to be back home…
Thank You, God.
I had a bunch of dreams last night, and I woke up thinking about Dream Lover. I checked my email and phone and saw that I have several bills to pay soon and it was really cold in here. I started panicking. Sometimes it seems like everything has changed and then it seems like I’m back in survival mode again. I joined this writing class, which starts today, and I was wondering if I should use my extra money to pay these bills instead of going to the class.
I went to say my prayers so I could get my mind right, but Dream Lover was still on the mind. Sometimes I see him, in my prayers and meditations, and he’s usually mean, with his arms crossed, not wanting to talk to me, but today he was nice. We were reminiscing on all the good times we had together. Sometimes I have to ask myself if those times really happened. I was so happy with him. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago that we were walking through the park together, joking around and dancing together and Loving each other. And I hadn’t thought about him in a good way in a while, but today, while I was praying, I saw him. And he was nice. And he said sorry. For everything. He said that he had tried his best, and I know he tried his best. He had a lot of fear. And so did I. And I said sorry. And I forgave him. And he forgave me. Because we hurt each other a lot. I attacked him with my words just like New Guy Old Guy had attacked me, and I didn’t realize how much words could hurt a sensitive person. And he just left. And he didn’t realize that I actually loved the mess out of him and him leaving was a big deal to me… We had this whole dialogue in my prayers, and sometimes I wonder what really goes on. I wonder if he was somewhere praying at the same time, having the same dialogue with me, or if I was just making everything up in my head to soothe myself. There have been so many instances in my life where I’ll pray or meditate and I’ll be talking to someone in my prayers, and then when I see or talk to them in real life, they had been thinking or feeling just the things that had occurred in our imaginary dialogues. So I don’t know. I don’t know how much it matters, but I was glad that I was finally able to see him in a good light this morning, because after all is said and done, having loved him and been with him for the brief time that we were together was phenomenal…
The journey isn’t over yet, though. I want to be able to tell you that I made it. I want to be able to say, Hey, go buy my book or watch my movie. In fact, I’ll give you free tickets. I want to be able to talk about the Love of my life that actually lasted. I’d like to tell you that I’m completely debt free whatever and talk about my inventions that are actually being used. I have much in me, Allah. When will it come out?
When I come home, I have to deal with myself. No distractions here. Just a prayer mat, sage, green juice and truth. I have come a long a way, that’s for sure. I’m not crying every day any more, and most of the time if I’m crying these days, it’s out of gratitude or joy or sweet release. I don’t have much drama in my personal life anymore, and the few relationships that I do have are positive. I’m completing and submitting projects, slowly but surely. I meet different kinds of men these days. Some days it feels like my life is right around the corner, like one thing could change everything. One job. One sale. One man. One move. And then other days, like today, it seems like I have such a long way to go.
It’s really frustrating when you put yourself out there and you give your all and try your best and things don’t go as anticipated… But what else can you do? What else can I do, God? I need you to talk to me. I need You. This life I have on the outside is not the life I have on the inside. It’s not who I really am. I am so much more than this. This spending all my time and energy on basic survival stuff just won’t do anymore. I’ve got work to do! I’ve got Love to give! I’m bursting at the seams here yearning to make something good of my life and it’s not about how not to cry every day any more. I’m over that. Like my preacher said, “pain pushes until vision pulls”, and I’m not in pain anymore. I’m not in despair. Pain and despair have served me well, but now I have a vision for my life and I need your help, God, because I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish it. I just know that I can’t quit. I’ve quit before. Over and over again, but the vision doesn’t go away. And now I’m not afraid of it. Now I know that I’m worthy. Now I know that I’m able. Now I know that I can handle greatness and excellence. I couldn’t even speak the word before, but now I’m speaking it, and I’m speaking it out loud.
God, You said that You are for us, and not against us. You said that if we come to You in earnest and seek to live a life of integrity, then You will clear a way for us and make all things possible. You said that if we repent and are willing to do the work, then ours will be a good life, and I am willing. I am ready. I am committed. I am saying Yes. I am choosing to look beyond appearances and proclaim that even in this moment life is good. I am choosing gratitude in this moment. I am choosing strength and spiritual power, and I am opening my arms and my mind, come what may. This is a good life. This is an excellent life. This is a life worth living…
Day 186
Come What May
Good morning World,
It’s been a few days. I’ve been house hopping, applying for jobs, going on interviews, applying for writing programs and sending out more query letters, and spending time with people… Something about the smell of this house makes me want to throw up… About to throw up…
Whew. Out of house and in the car now. I thought I was going to chill in the house today, but I see my body isn’t having that. This entry may not be that long, because I’m sitting in a car that’s not so comfy and the sun is shining directly on me, but I just feel like I need to write. This is my therapy. This is how I make it through the day and actually evaluate what I’m doing with my life… I don’t know how I’ve survived without this.
And after spending time with all these different people this past month or so, I see that so many people could use a bit of alone time to evaluate their lives. We get all caught up with any distraction we can think of: relationship dramas, TV, internet and so many entertainment options, work and ambition that we really don’t care about…Why are we so afraid to sit still, God? I love coming back to you. I love asking the questions. I love taking a moment to see what’s really going on with me and to do things on purpose…
Within this past month, I found my confidence again. I realized that I’m valuable and I have a lot to offer even if it’s not material things. I tapped into the place that knows that it’s possible for my dreams to come true, I recommitted myself to peace at all costs, I thought about a five year plan, and I feel able to do things again. And I’m doing them. And I feel safe now. I know I can come back to the world and still be sensitive and not get all broken, because I care about myself now. And it makes a difference. It makes a difference when you take a moment and then another moment to really contemplate who you are and what you are doing with this thing called life. Because when you step outside, especially if you’re a person like me who likes to interact with the world, all kinds of people will be there, and some of them will have agendas, and things they want you to do. You will find all kinds of choices and options on how to spend every moment of your day. If you don’t know who you are and what you stand for, then it is so easy to be swept away. It so easy to get caught up in some stuff you don’t believe in and you might find that years go by in confusion. Years. Trust me, I know…
So Lord, I thank you for this moment. I thank you for the gift in this blog. I thank you for this month long experiment on humility and self-knowledge and asking and accepting. I thank you for the growth and the transformation that is finally taking place in my life. Mostly I thank you for allowing me to be alive to see this day. Everyone doesn’t make it. Some people have never seen a day of peace in their lives. Some people have never known love or what it feels like not to be at war with anyone. I had been at war with anyone who would fight me for some time, so I know what it’s like to have a constant frown, and I know what it’s like to think that your life isn’t sh*t, and I know loneliness and poverty and loss, and I know what happens to a dream deferred. I actually understand the Langston Hughes poem now. A dream deferred stinks like rotten meat. It sags like a heavy load. It dries up like a raisin in the sun. It does all of that. But it never goes away. It just hides out and shows up when you least expect it: as bitterness, envy, hatred, depression and anger, amongst other things…
We have been looking for heroes. We have been looking for answers and saviors. Distractions to make it through the day. We have been thinking that someone, somewhere was gonna give us something, and just biding our time here hoping that someday, somewhere, someone was gonna make it all good. But even if we are blessed by grace and someone does drop a bundle of goodness into our laps, it is up to us to sustain it. It is up to us to do our own work. It is up to us to bring our own good things and cultivate our own good relationships and contribute. It is up to us to stop running from all the things we are scared of. It is up to us to make this a life worth living, because, front as we may, when we lay down to sleep, or even in our dreams, we cannot escape the truth of our lives. Wherever we go, we can not escape ourselves…
Day 185
Wherever You Go, There You Are…
I can’t keep up. From day to day so many internal changes. It’s a good thing… Today was a fantastic day.
I want to tell you what happened, but first I will tell you the most fantastic part of all. It’s the peace of mind I feel right now. It’s the clarity that is here. It is the knowledge that everything is all right, that I am on the right path. I know that some people don’t respect feelings and all the inside stuff that can’t be seen, but I am of the deep suspicion that happiness is and has never been about anything but feelings and the inside stuff, at least my happiness, and the debates go on. Some say feelings are impermanent and fickle, some say material things come and go and can be swept away by hurricanes, and some (like me) say it’s all about you.
It’s your life. And what matters to you is ultimately what matters…
Today I yelled at a man like a little kid yells. New Guy Old Guy. It was so liberating. He had been yelling at me for the past few weeks. Just talking and talking and talking and trying to force me to listen to his abuse. Literally. And I had been listening. And engaging. His subtle (and not so subtle) hints that something was wrong with me. Covert and overt power plays, etc etc. I ran into him at a restaurant today, and everything was semi cool, until he made a pass at me and I didn’t respond. His face changed and I noted it. I called him “sensitive”. Why did I do that? He started on a tirade about how he wasn’t sensitive and how I couldn’t affect him and on and on and on. He asked me a question and when I started to talk, he cut me off and continued with his tirade. Then I asked him why we are even talking when he doesn’t listen to anything I say. He went on and on and on about how he’s talking and he doesn’t have to listen, and I became so furious. “NOOOO! I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!!!” I screamed. He immediately backed off and walked away. He called me crazy or some name, but it was OK. I’m not crazy. Maybe I am. It doesn’t even matter to me.
“Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do.” It’s the best thing my first love ever said to me. He would have been proud of me. He would have told me that I should have knocked that dude out, trying to make me feel like sh*t and abuse me just ‘cus I wasn’t feeding his ego. But I didn’t knock him out. I just knocked him out of my life, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of me that I can stand up for myself…
Before that, I went to my spiritual center, and I saw the big handsome man with the big hands again. This time, he was sitting about five seats down from me. I wanted to thank him for his prayer the week before. I wanted to tell him how he had busted my heart open and helped me to mourn my father for the first time. I wanted to thank him for being strong and gentle and lovely, but he’s so handsome, I didn’t want him to feel like I was hitting on him. So I sat there for a while taking deep breaths, but my spirit wasn’t having it. In one breath, I got up and scooted to the seat next to him. He was meditating and I disturbed him. He didn’t look at me, but leaned his ear in to hear me, and I don’t know what I said. I didn’t say everything the way I had rehearsed it in my mind, but I told him that he had blessed me the week before, and I was thankful. Then he looked at me for the first time. He asked me my name and I told him. He told me his name and shook my hand, and then said “peace”. People have told me that I have a healing touch before, and I’ve only felt a healing touch once before today, but this guy, I’ll call him Nameless, had a healing touch, a healing hand shake, for God’s sake!
And I went back to my seat. And I saw him ask the ushers for a tissue from the corner of my eye. And I saw him wiping his eyes… Before the end of service, he got up to leave, but he stopped at the seat next to me. He put his hand, his big healing hand, on my leg, and he looked me in the eye again. He told me, “Thank you for your words earlier. They really touched my heart. Have a great weekend”, and I smiled and said you’re welcome. And I hadn’t even thought about it. What if nobody had ever told him he was a blessing before? What if he had just gotten through arguing with someone, and they had tried to make him feel like sh*t, like New Guy Old Guy had done to me? What if he’s going to go home and mourn his mother for the first time, like I had done my father after he blessed me with his prayer?
And you can’t tell me miracles aren’t real. You can’t tell me that change doesn’t happen, because I am witnessing it up close and personal. Never in my life have I been aware of such kind people, sitting right next to me, living with me, communicating with me… There are phenomenal beings walking the Earth with us. We can be them. We don’t just have to read their books or watch their films or go to their seminars. We can be those people who uplift each other and know them up close and personal.
The catch is, they don’t hang out with vampires. They are sensitive by nature and they know that vampires have power, too. They walk amongst vampires every day, and they can hold their own if they get attacked, but in their inner circle, only goodness is allowed. They know that home is a place to rest and recuperate and rejuvenate…
You know I always used to try and “fix” people. Find these folks that I thought just needed a little bit of love, or some coaxing. Most people are good at the core, or at least I think so, but I used to be on these “fixing” missions in my personal life. It never works. Your inner circle is not about fixing. It’s about liking and accepting the people you come home to and wanting to be a part of their vibration… Write a book or volunteer or teach a class if you’re on a mission to fix… Pray for them from a distance…
My Dad used to say, when you see Satan, don’t try to be his friend. Don’t try to change him. Don’t even judge him. A snake is going to be a snake… Walk away or knock him out if you have to, but disengage. Snake bites are infectious and can be deadly…
I am humbled by the greatness that I have encountered over this past month. I am humbled by the kindness and open hearts that I have come across. I didn’t know that such good people existed in the world. Never before did I think that I was worthy of the presence of such healers, but now I think I can hang. I am stronger. I am more kind. I am worthy. I’ve still got a ways to go, but the journey is exciting. The journey is a blast…
Day 184
It’s Your Life
hownottocryeveryday 