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Day 182 – Grace

October 31, 2012

Vulnerability. Balance. Grace. Connectedness. Love. Forgiveness. The miracle of a life…

Things on my mind. The miracle that happens when you step out of your house and engage with the world. The upheaval that happens when you truly say you want to change and mean it. The grace that keeps you from falling apart when you are bold enough to open up your life and dare to hope and try again even after disappointment.

Life is truly a blessing, even in the midst of living.

I can write a really good movie now. I have something to write about. I have a lot to write about…

The lady at my job interview today asked me what my five year plan was… I couldn’t tell her that it’s been almost five years since I’ve even thought about a five year plan, so I just made something up. I don’t think she believed me, and that’s ok. I”m glad she put that idea in my mind. The right source of income is making it’s way to me even now, so I’m not even tripping. I believe in miracles…

The new guy, who’s actually a guy that I met years ago but never made it past a couple dates with, serenaded me in person today. Like literally took me to a park, sat under a tree, played a guitar and sang to me. I was sitting there thinking, Is this me? What’s going on here? Somebody is trying to be nice to me? What’s happening? I was all sad and stuff a couple weeks ago? What’s up with all this massive change? What’s up with all these people pulling at my heart strings lately?

I don’t get it. He’s gonna tell me to come stay with him. I already know. Why do they like me so quickly? I don’t want to trust it. Because they stop liking me just as fast. Or not. Or whatever. They like me, but they disappear anyway. Or cheat. Or lie. You know my heart can’t handle all that anymore, God, and You say I don’t have to go through that any more. I’m a different me. I trust people who have shown themselves trustworthy now. Good job. I’ve finally learned… Wow. I’ve finally learned…

So, it’s 11 o’clock at night. I haven’t done a real in-depth prayer in a while, and it’s about that time. This time seems to bear more weight than any other time since I started this blog. Everything looks the same, but it feels different. I know that the choices that I make in the next few days are going to determine the next few years of my life. I feel that. Like if I was in a movie, this would be the climax, and whatever I do now seems like it will determine the ending of the story, and I’d like it to be a good story. I’d like it to be a fantastic story. It would be so whack if I went on this whole journey only to have a luke warm ending…

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m coming back to you tonight, God. When I finish this blog (You know I need to write to sort things out sometimes), We need to talk, and I hope You will talk to me. You say You will, and I’m glad. I am so glad that I am finally getting to know You..

This is my life. This is Your life. It’s a good life. And it is such a precious thing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The pain really does go. The scars really do heal. The sense of panic subsides. The worry dissipates and we become confident in the knowledge that Life really is for us and not against us. We become warriors in the midst of it all. And heroes. And Lovers. And healers. We become ourselves and we can let go of the little injuries and insults that we have been holding to help us feel better than each other. We recognize that we are each other and in that realization, we can go forth lifting each other, and lifting ourselves, because if my life is better, then your life is better, and if your life is better, my life is better, and I’m not talking about the gathering of stuff. I’m talking about the inside things. I’m talking one being at peace with oneself. I’m talking about people having clean hearts. I’m talking about healings and trustings and lovings of one another. I’m talking about healing the world, because it starts with healing ourselves, and I get it now. You can’t teach a thing that you don’t know. Even when people don’t know the truth, they recognize a lie.

So that’s my scpill for tonight. You send me guidance all the time, God, and I don’t take a single moment of clarity for granted. I don’t take any of it for granted. It is an honor to be here…

Day 182


From → The Good Stuff

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