Good morning Love…
Love on the mind. I’m actually thankful for being alive today. Reveling in this moment. Closing my eyes…
I thought I was alone, but you have sent me angels for friends. Angels in the form of people. Patient and kind beings who stick with me. They don’t throw me away when they’re upset or say I’m too anything. They don’t bring me down or ask me to play low. The lift up, up, up. They bring light. They are themselves and they accept me as my ever changing self. I am thankful for the angels today.
Yesterday was challenging. I woke up in a tired funk. I wasn’t motivated to write or do any of my assignments. I tried, but nothing was working. So I called my therapist friend. He has been working with me every single day and helping me to complete things. And I have been completing things. I called him. We talked and did a session. And then I completed my assignments for the day…
And I’m up early today feeling able and grateful. Thank You Lord…
This one is a short one today. Things are changing already, but I won’t talk about them yet. I am changing. I am finally learning about the importance of keeping our promises to ourselves. But more than that, I am learning about what it means to not be a victim. This is a big one.
The other day, an associate of mine asked to come and stay with me. This person has stayed with me on a few occasions before. Every time he comes, it’s a bad experience for me. The last time I hung out with him, I made sure to add “Don’t Hang Out With” to his name in my phone book. But then he asked to stay with me. In the past, he never paid me any money, but this time he said he could pay some money… He doesn’t have to stay with me. He’s got family. But his family’s house is crowded and uncomfortable for him. So, he wanted to stay with me. Like a kind-hearted fool, I considered it. Even though the name on my phone explicitly said “Don’t Hang Out With”, I considered letting him stay with me…
Luckily for me, we had a conversation before his move in date wherein he told me all of his demands and offered me 60 percent of the money I had asked for. And something in me woke up. Why the %$&* would I let this guy come stay with me? I don’t like him. I don’t like being around him. He brings me down and tries to use me every single time. He tries to get the most while giving the least and sometimes I feel physically sick while in his presence. He gets jealous when I doing something good…
And what Louise Hay said in her book You Can Heal Your Life made sense at last. In her book, she says that almost every problem we have comes from an issue of loving the self. She has an exercise that goes, “I Love myself, therefore…”. When you are thinking of actions to take, you’re supposed to finish the sentence. So it goes “I Love myself, therefore…” I Love myself, therefore I surround myself with nourishing people, not people who deplete my energy and make me feel bad. I Love myself, therefore I give love when I choose to. I Love myself, therefore I accept love and help and support. I Love myself, therefore I make my home into a place that I feel good coming home to. I Love myself, therefore I finish my projects and give myself an opportunity to succeed. I Love myself therefore I Love and give to others, because that makes me come alive. I Love myself, therefore I honor my body and share with ones who would bless me. I Love myself, therefore I honor my time and spend it lovingly and usefully. I Love myself, therefore I don’t let people pimp me and use me. I Love myself, therefore I demand friendship from the ones I call friends. I Love myself, therefore I am careful with my heart and only trust the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy. I Love myself. I Love myself. I Love myself…
I have thought this thought a thousand times, but never felt qualified to write it out loud. I Love myself. Today I am finally starting to Love myself. All of me. Just as I am. I’m not just saying it. I actually feel it and believe it. There is nothing to prove anymore. I am getting strong again, but this time I like this kind of strong, because it includes all the other parts of me, my niceness and my kindness and my vulnerability. I like strong. Strong is necessary too. I am becoming a well-rounded person. I am becoming my true self and I’m proud of me. I Love myself therefore I acknowledge my own progress. I Love myself, God. God, I Love myself…
Ameen.
Day 217
I Love Myself, Therefore
Good morning. It’s 6:20. I can’t write long because I’m supposed to be out of the house by 7, but I at least wanted to check in before I start my day.
A lot to write about. I woke up at 3 this morning. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Talked to a friend on phone, did some light yoga, meditated, sent an email, checked email and Facebook. Privacy on my mind. Excitement on my mind. Most of my personal contacts don’t read this blog. It’s easier. Some of my family wouldn’t agree with me exposing myself like this. Colleagues might think I’m plumb nuts and not want to work with me. Religious groups that I’m affiliated with might find that my true thoughts are not in exact alignment with doctrine…
Sooner or later, I’m going to “come out” though. It’s a necessary part. Don’t ask me why it’s necessary, but it seems necessary. Most of the people I know are crazier than me anyway. They know it. They think worse thoughts, have deeper pains and probably do all kinds of things. But our society is built upon pretending that we are all always all right. I think things would be much easier if we just told the truth about the things that really happen, so that we could consciously work towards truly being all right and supporting each other so that sooner or later we will all actually be all right, deep down on the insides. And if anyone ever read our deepest thoughts or our secrets blogs or stepped into our homes or our private lives, they would see that who we present ourselves to be is who we actually are. What a way to live.
Maybe I’ll put my blog address back on Facebook today… Maybe.
Good morning. Today is such a fabulous day. Nothing has happened yet, except that I woke up early and I’m blogging early and I’m feeling excited about it all. Yesterday I got some help revamping my resume and I’ve come up with a new action plan. It’s called Plan Action. Haha. The thing about Plan Action is that you actually have to do stuff or else it doesn’t work. You can’t just write about it. And I am excited because part of my Plan Action included waking up early, praying and meditating, and writing in my blog before seven. I’d like to keep this up. Every single day. I know it might be a challenge. I know that I might not always have uplifting and inspirational things to say and tomorrow I may be complaining about how horrible life is.
But today I am re-commiting. I will keep doing it over and over again until I get it right. I am re-commiting to progress. Every single day. Every single day. Not in a hard kind of way, although it may be challenging at times. But not in a “I’m gonna get down on myself ‘cus I should have done this a long time ago” kind of way. I don’t care. I’m doing it now. Every life starts in the present moment if we let it.
I’m starting over God, because you can’t tell me that with all my skills and all my education and all my experience it is impossible for me to provide for myself. You can’t tell me that there is no hope for Love for me, with all the Love I have to offer. You can’t tell me, that for all of the people that have been inspired by something I’ve written over the years, my words aren’t worth anything. You can’t tell me that I don’t know how to help people see the best in themselves. I no longer accept any of these lies that I have been carrying around for so long. I deny all of them and I accept the Real Truth of my Being!
My Life is a Good Life. My Life is a Good Life and I am somebody. I am somebody. Even today. I mean that, and not in the corny kind of way. Our lives are of value. Just because. Just because we exist. Everything is forgivable. Everything. Everything is redeemable. Every day can be brand new. And so, as I am re-commiting to living out the fullness of my destiny on Earth, I must take action. Daily. I must work and work and work and work and work and work and get up. We can get up, even if we feel tired. I must get up and do the things that create progress. I must finish what I’ve started.
I’m ready, God. I am so ready today! We have only just begun…
Day 216
Plan Action
Hi There.
I spent my first night at home last night. The first night in a couple of months… This is home now. This apartment is my home.
The sun came through the windows and lit up the whole apartment around sunrise. I can breathe easy here. What a difference a cat or mold or sunlight or dust or wood floors or carpet or the presence of someone else can make…
I went on a first date yesterday. I don’t like him. I mean, he’s likeable, but I’m not moved by him in any direction… I only watch one TV show one time a week and the other day, a new episode didn’t come on. They said they would have any new episodes until the end of month, and I’m like “Where am I supposed to go to get my weekly dose of drama???”
Things are kind of boring over here. For the past two weeks, I’ve just been working and working and working a lot, and that’s progress, but I don’t feel excited about it. I think a lot of times we create drama and chaos in our lives because we just want to feel something. I’m over the whole drama thing, but I would like to feel alive, God.
I’ve felt that way before. I have felt alive and excited and been inspired by the presence of others before. Can I have some of that again, please? Some electricity? Some excitement? Something to feel passionate about?
What do you do when you’re “in the meantime” of your life, God? I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not crying every day, at least not sad cries. I don’t do dysfunctional relationships anymore and I’m aware of the difference between givers and takers. I Love on purpose these days and I even allow myself to be vulnerable on purpose. And I’m not even interested in being “sorry” anymore. I recognize the possibility of a good life and I even believe that my life is changing even as I type…
But I’m still not there yet. I am “in the meantime” looking on the other side at all that could be. I am walking, but still, I am not there yet. I miss the excitement of really Loving someone. I miss certain people in my life. I miss…. Ha ha! I just got a text from one of the people I miss…
And just like that, my tone is changed. That’s what I’m talking about! We feed each other, with our presence, our words, our thoughts, our actions. In the meantime, find nourishment. That’s it. In the meantime, find nourishment. Eat an apple or a mango or an avocado. Drink some water. Go to a park. Give Love to something that doesn’t hurt you. Do not resort to negative drama, random busyness, pity parties or purposeless martyrdom to feel alive. Loveless, uninspired interactions with others only drain and serve to establish a vibration of sadness.
Find nourishment. Give nourishment to someone on purpose. Create a space of aliveness in your own environment. Do not wait to sink before you start to swim. Do not wait for a hero or some thing to happen.
I know, it’s crazy to get excited if you don’t see anything in your life to get excited about. But if you keep looking, if you look really really hard, you will find at least one thing somewhere that might ignite a feeling of gratitude and aliveness. A simple text from someone you adore, a book, your own self and everything we have been and everything we are and everything we are becoming. We’ve got a find a way to stay alive, not just drifting and hurting and barely breathing, but to staying alive even when our lives don’t look like we imagined. I know that where there is a willingness, there is a way, and I thank You, God, for this deep knowingness, this deep faith that You are growing in me that gets me through any day…
I am grateful, God, for this one moment of excitement, just as I was beginning to doubt. I am grateful for my life… Ameen.
Day 215
In The Meantime (Find Nourishment. Stay Alive)
Hi there. Every time I don’t write for a while, I miss it. Maybe I’m becoming a real writer…
I’m moving back to my apartment tomorrow. Mixed feelings. Glad to be gone, but not excited about paying rent again. The real need for money “as a necessary tool” (as some girl at work told me) is settling in…
I’ve been super busy this past week, sun up to sun down style. Working, going to interviews and job seminars, applying for jobs, rewriting a project, planning for this summer heal the world trip, and doing therapy every single day. Exhausted is not the word. The word is… busy. Yesterday I had to take an intentional moment to sit down, pray really deep, and meditate. I needed it.
Today is another busy day. Its 6:30am and I’ll be getting dressed shortly. I need to write, though. It helps me clear things up and be reminded of what’s important. It’s really easy to get caught up being “busy” especially in this town, and there is a difference between being busy and being productive. There is a difference food that nourishes and food that just keeps you alive. There is a difference between surviving and thriving.
As a somewhat artistic type, it’s often hard to separate your passion from the necessity to pay rent. We want to spend our time focusing on our “art”. The thing is, rent has to be paid. But if you spend all your time just working and never making moves on your creative stuff, years will pass and you will find yourself in the same place you have been forever. I think the trick is to spend time each day focusing on both survival needs and actions that we need to take to thrive. That’s my new thing…
I will be glad to have my room with the desk and the view of the pretty trees again. It has been a while since I have chosen to thrive. I am choosing to thrive here, and I’m releasing all blocks, all obstacles, all things that would hinder me from thriving. You see, survival has been my main focus for some months now, and I have been doing just that: barely surviving. Barely surviving is the perfect way to neutralize any vibrant energy you have and turn you into a machine. It’s a necessary step, though, when you are coming back to life.
I’m going back home, God. I’d like to take a moment and talk with You about thriving. I believe in You. I trust You. Guide me, please. I am not afraid of anything that may come. Guide me to the place where, in the midst of all this, I may thrive once and for all. I am interested in real Abundance. Even today. I am interested in expressing Real Love and receiving Real Love. Even today. Make of me what You will. Bring me back to my Original Self. I am willing to experience Pure Joy again. Now. Today. I am choosing Ease as a way of Life. Even today. I open my arms to receive help and I allow myself to be a helper.
I give from the Best part of me and I receive from the Best part of me: that part of me that knows Truth. That part of me that experiences Truth. I choose Truth today. Today I am choosing. I am going on an intentional adventure. I am choosing to know how to “do life”. My will is all I have in this thing, and so I use it today, for the purpose of thriving. Today I am going on a truly intentional adventure. No matter what may happen when I walk out that door, no matter what thoughts my pass through my head or what emotions I may feel, no matter how things may go or not go, I choose to thrive today. In spite of appearances. I choose to be pulsing with vibrant creative energy, even if no one notices.
I am recreating my identity. From the walking dead to the alive. I can do that. I don’t have to wait for a million dollars to smile at someone. I don’t need anyone’s permission to finish writing my project or to say thank you for something and appreciate even the fresh ripe tomato that I have in my fridge. I give thanks for this day and for my time in this apartment. I open to receive whatever pure Light blessings were given here and I allow the blessing of my presence to remain after my departure.
Life is a gift. It can be that way, even in the midst of pain and confusion. Even with no money or no man, Love and abundance are still possibilities. I release the need to understand everything before I experience it. I give my True life permission to be my life. Thriving. Progress. Abundance. All of My Needs Met. Expression of Joy. Love. Beauty. Limitless Opportunity. Harmony. Spiritual Power. I welcome You as my new companions. I send this prayer out to you, My Lord, and I allow You to take care of me. I allow You to take care of all of this. Thank you for this Life we Live…
And so It Is.
Day 214
On Thriving and Surviving
Good morning.
Going to another interview today, but have to clear my mind before I head out. I didn’t get what I wanted. Again.
I went to a fantastic audition yesterday. Miracle kind of stuff. A TV show was looking for people who spoke the language they speak in my parents’ country to do some voice over work. Not a lot of people in LA speak the language they speak in my parents’ country. So, a friend told me about this opportunity and I submitted my info, and I got called for an audition. And it was fantastic. It was on a studio lot and the woman interviewing us was really professional and everyone in the room had such high energy. It was a group audition, four women and two men, and I gave it my all. But alas, one of the other women was better than me. I admit. She spoke the language better than me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was still good. I still could have done the job, but she was better. Needless to say I didn’t get the job. It paid more money for one day of work than I usually make in a whole month…
I went to my spiritual center on Sunday and saw Will with his big magic hands. I had come late and when you come late the ushers seat you. So I saw Will and, even though the center was packed, no one was sitting by him, as usual. The usher was looking for a seat for me, and I pointed out the empty seat that was by Will, and then the usher said, “No, that seat is reserved”. I looked over at the seat next to Will and can you believe that Will had had the audacity to put a “reserved seat” sign next to him? No one sat in that seat the whole time. It took everything in me to resist the urge to go and sit by him and ask if that seat was reserved for me. When the service was over, I left, and when I passed by Will, he reached out and greeted me, but still…. Why he ain’t want me to sit by him? Why has it been four months and he hasn’t even asked me for any of my contact info? Why are all of the men I ever loved, I mean all of them, still running around the Earth silly and single, writing me apology letters and playing video games and dating random women that they’ll never marry instead of building a life with me? Why, for the life of me, can’t I get a stable, full-time, health-insurance, vacation-giving job?
I’m starting to feel a bit like a loser, and Lord, I need to know, why don’t I have what I want? I know we’ve been through this before, and I know that asking why is like asking why the sky is blue, but this is the point where some folks would go to a medicine man or something and see if someone put a spell on them. Or this is the point where I’m thinking maybe I should consider my mom’s advice and pray another way. I’m starting to lose the faith.
So, I’m here today before I leave the house. Before I start my day, I need to get my mind right. Please speak to me. What do I do when I don’t get what I want, over and over and over again? Do I change my wants? Do I do like the song and just focus on getting what I need? Do I keep trying? Do I try another method? I know that in this moment there is an opportunity for growth. I am strong. Grow me. Show me the Truth please.
I am starting to believe that life is all about choices. We can ask why forever, but at the end of the day, everything is about choices. Why is it that the men I like don’t seem to be interested in me? I don’t know. Maybe I’m ugly. Maybe not. Maybe I’m not rich or “together” enough. I don’t know… Why can’t I get a job that I want? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Maybe someone put a spell on me. Why have things been so hard for so long? I don’t know the answer to any of this. People will say, Go back home to my old job or get with such and such guy or try another career or lose some weight or gain some weight or dress differently or don’t talk so much or talk some more or don’t act so smart or be smarter. They will say go to church or the mosque or the temple or let a medicine man cleanse your aura or don’t go anywhere at all except within your own being. Everyone has an answer, but there are as many answers as there are problems…
So back to choices. Back to this intentional adventure. What to do when you don’t get what you want, over and over again? Is it an indication to change something or is it an indication to keep doing what you’re doing and try harder?
Good decisions come from first setting an intention and deciding what’s important. At some point, I have to decide whether I believe that God is on my side or not… Have you seen Life of Pi? A phenomenal movie. Maybe God is on my side. Maybe He isn’t. Maybe there is no such thing as God. Maybe there are a million Gods or God was born to a virgin in a manger or there is only One, but at some point we have to choose. I have to choose. What do I believe? What do I want my life to be about?
-This is what you do, Laydie, when you don’t get what you want. You go back to the original intention. You choose whether or not you want to stick with the original intention or if something else is more important. Your original intention was to have a loving mate, but is having a mate more important than having love? Would you rather be alone instead of being with someone that doesn’t make you come alive? Choose. Because it may take you some time to find that loving mate who wants you at the same time you want him. It may take a little more time for your life to manifest in all of its fullness, and in the meantime, while everything falls apart, the only thing that keeps you going is your choice to keep going…
– My advice. Go back to your original intention. Go back to it, Laydie. The other way is not for you. You know it. Your life is not about settling. That is not what you choose for yourself. You may choose something different if you like, but we know the Truth. So go back to the original intention. Choose it again. Every day choose it until you have exhausted all resources. Don’t get stuck on Will or some job or some situation. You chose to believe that God is for you and not against you. Let’s be clear. That is the spiritual path you chose, so embody it. Living a completely fulfilled life and achieving self realization is what you chose for your life, so let’s do it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Nobody said people wouldn’t talk about you. Nobody said you wouldn’t have to grow a lot, and not have the little things you want from time to time, but Let’s look at the bigger picture this time. Let’s not get snagged again. We’ve done that already. We’ve stopped and asked and doubted and questioned whether any of this was worth it.
-We are grown ups now. We don’t get stuck on “why”. We get up and do what needs to be done to feed the children. We cry if we have to, but we keep our hearts open. We stop playing dumb. We know what to do. We know the answer. Let go. What you wanted was not that little job or that particular man. Your original intention was to live a life of Divine alignment and fulfill your purpose on Earth with a partner that you can experience more bliss with than you have ever imagined. That’s what you want. Trust that you will have it and let Me work out the details. You are getting closer and closer every day. Don’t get snagged by appearances. Don’t give up. You will never get what you want if you give up, and just because you give up doesn’t mean your wants go away. They never go away, because they come from the root of who you are… Don’t give up. Come back home to your Spirit and refresh yourself. Come back and Know what you Know. Drink some water. And let’s keep going…
Day 213
When You Don’t Get What You Want
Good Morning.
It’s almost 9am. I have a busy day ahead of me. I’m still cat sitting, but guess what? I have had a good night’s sleep for almost the past week. I created a barricade for the cat, so she can’t come into my sleeping place. I also bought her some new kitty litter and I clean it out every day. I vacuumed and thoroughly cleaned this entire apartment, and I keep it clean daily, so the cat dander doesn’t really bother me as much. So it’s not so bad here anymore. Yesterday I went out to the beach for the first time. This apartment is literally a ten minute walk from the beach. I went for a run and discovered the beautiful ocean, volleyball nets, fire pits, and a trailer park full of beach people. I didn’t realize I’m living on prime real estate.
It’s not so bad. Life’s not so bad. One of my long lost ex’s sent me an email the other day asking for my forgiveness. He and I have been broken up for over four years now and he had never said sorry for anything. I don’t ask questions about miracles, God. I just let them be.
I made some money this week. Not a whole lot, but enough to pay the bills and eat what I wanted. I went dancing with some friends on Valentine’s Day. Someone actually asked me to be their Valentine, but I turned him down. FYI, this is the first year in over ten years that I have not been involved with or dating someone on Valentine’s Day, but it is also the first year in over ten years that someone has asked me out on a Valentine’s date or offered me a gift. Don’t judge me. I’ve come a long way…
Today, God, I’d just like to take a moment to appreciate the little things. Food, shelter, income. A few good friends. Family. Peace of mind. People who will receive my love and people who give love on purpose. Thank you. Thank you for my back that doesn’t hurt all the time anymore and the health in my body. Thank you for my hair. It doesn’t fall out anymore. And thank you for making it fall out when my life is too stressful, giving me a sign that it’s time to chill out. Thank you for my sweet niece calling me last night just to chat. Thank you for my spiritual center that I’m about to go to, where I will see Will and his big, angelic hands. Maybe we will sit by each other today, and even if we don’t, thank you for my spiritual center and all of the high-minded people that go there, creating such a vibrant vortex… Thank you, even, for this crazy adventure that I have been on that has helped grow me into a person with real Compassion and real Love and deep understanding.
I am not the same person I used to be, and although my life may not look all glamourous on the outside, I am beaming on the inside. It’s only a matter of time until my new life reflects the vibrant energy that I have been cultivating in me all this time. I’ve really been doing a clean-up job, and there was a lot to clean up, but I can feel my real self growing now, and I am Light. I am so much Light. I am so much Love. I am so much Beauty, and that’s ok with me. I am other things as well, stubborn and hypersensitive and even mean sometimes, but those things are ok with me, too. You know, I forgive so many people for their shortcomings and trespasses against me. I deserve to be forgiven, too. I’m not that bad.
I know this may all sound like gibberish to you, but it’s a big deal for me to realize, no, to know, that I’m not that bad. That I am good things and I can be good things. It’s a big deal for me to be comfortable in my own skin just as I am today. Without a man, and without a book deal and without all the fancy material things, I am still ok today. I am still Light and Love today. There are still little things in life to be happy about. Today. There is still peace of mind and downright bliss today. I feel like a grown up today. I am a grown up.
Yes, there are still things to do and places to go and other iterations of myself to be and deeper understandings to have, but today, Lord, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the little things. They are important. They are enough for me. Today…
Day 212
The Little Things
Good morning,
It’s a good morning today, God. Thank you.
I’m sitting in my car. About to start the day. A new day. Today feels like a new day. It’s been almost a week, and I still don’t feel crazy. I got really disappointed by a friend of mine. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He just didn’t want to do a thing that I wanted him to do, so I was disappointed and a little sad, but still I didn’t feel crazy.
I met some new guys since my last entry. They want whatever they want, but I was actually able to sit still and ask myself what I want, and it was cool to be aware of what I want for once.
And I did a couple of job interviews. One of them is like a dream job for me. A combination of teaching, film, leadership and community service. And it pays well and has advancement potential. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen an opportunity that I could imagine myself staying at for years upon years. I hope I get it, but I’m not panicky about it, like I would be in the past.
The people I’m housesitting for want to give away their cat. Talk about a miracle. I’m writing from my car right now because I can’t sit in their apartment for too long without the taste of cat smell getting in my mouth and my eyes itching. I’m trying to find the cat a really loving home…
I have a trunk full of papers that need to be sorted and a few writing projects that need to be completed. I have work that needs to be done towards my heal the world trip this summer. That’s my focus for this week. I actually feel able to get these things done.
The thing about going through some kind of pain or disaster or disappointment is that after you go through a thing, if you come out all right and if you are willing to learn and grow, you learn that it’s possible to go through a thing and still be all right and navigating life becomes that much easier. This past week I was really disappointed about my friend not coming to visit me. I was actually heartbroken because he’s the one person in the world who I thought would always be there for me.
And that disappointment just set off thoughts of all of the disappointments that I had from men all of my life. I had been carrying it. All of this sadness. I had been blaming all these dudes for all of the stuff they did to poor little me, but this week, in the name of change and growth and the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth, I had to see the part I played in all that has ever hurt me.
I had been begging people who didn’t want to love me to love me all this time. I felt ashamed, but I had to own up to it. I had some responsibility in the matters. I had chosen to trust people who had never shown themselves trustworthy. I had chosen to give up all of the little things I had worked for to run and be with some man. I had let myself go without birthday gifts and Valentine’s dates for years and stayed committed to men who didn’t even know my last name. I had not demanded to be loved by the men I claimed to be with. I had given away all of my power thinking that someone had to save me and I had spent my time and money and energy going to the ends of the Earth trying to love brick walls who didn’t even notice me.
And I played small so that some people would feel comfortable around me.
And I loved folks who would give my gifts to other women and put my health in danger.
Nobody made me do it. I had to own up to it. I could blame all these men for whatever I think they did forever, but the truth is, none of them ever forced me to be with them. Heck, most of them didn’t even bother to try and deceive me. For whatever reasons (lack of self esteem, fear of being alone, societal pressure to be with a man, etc) I chose to dishonor myself, and I had to come to terms with that. It was all me…
And I learned that you can make your life better even if you don’t feel good. Because things got better. Little things, but little things are still things. And it’s a good lesson to learn, especially for sensitive people. Your feelings don’t have to dictate your life. The wonderful thing about life is that it works from the inside out and the outside in. So when you start doing things to improve your life, in spite of your feelings, your feelings tend to follow suit and change.
Sometimes I truly understand what a gift it is to have this life. In moments like this, I can look into it all and see that anything is possible for my life. Really. It’s definitely not easy. It may take a long time and there may be some dying and humility and pain involved. At some point, though, if you really want to change, you are going to have to own up to your part in the creation of the life you now live. That way, you can see what you need to do differently now, and the answer isn’t, “don’t trust men”. The answer is “find men who have shown themselves trustworthy before you trust them”. The answer isn’t “don’t love again”. The answer is “love and honor yourself” and those who live to take and give no love in return will find easier targets because a person who loves themselves demands love from the one they give their heart to, unless they choose not to demand love on purpose…
Yes, there are evil people in the world. Yes, everyone doesn’t start off with the same resources and knowledge. Yes, there are so many things that can and do go wrong, but what are you gonna do about it? Of course there are pimps and users and gold diggers and horribly selfish people on the Earth who will exploit anyone and anything the first chance they get and never say sorry for one bit of it, but what are going to do about them? If you are one of them, what are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about all of the good things in you that are screaming to be expressed? What are you gonna about that life that you once upon a time dreamed you could have? The dream never goes away. A dream deferred does everything that Langston Hughes’ poem said it does, so what are you gonna do about your dreams and your big, loving heart? It doesn’t stop wanting love just because you close it up. So what are you gonna do about it? Really? What are you gonna do?
Day 210
Own Up
Not crazy today. Eyes closed. Going in…
Not feeling crazy for the first time in a long time. Woman now. No longer girl. Coming back to the world as woman. Different. Head held higher. Different. Still me.
Love. Stability is important now. Like work again. Found work I like. Wow. So many adventures. Floating in the middle of the ocean. Been floating for some time. Drowning at first. I learned how to stay afloat. Survive. Sat there. In the ocean. Floating. Looking at different shores. Not sure where to swim. Fellow drifters came, bringing good news of life on shore and stories that made me crave the ocean more. And now, though the ocean keeps me afloat and I have found comfort in the crazy, the shore beckons me. Stability calls my name. “Come and plant seeds”, it says. Come and build a thing.
And I am looking at the shores now. They are everywhere. I am surrounded by them. Which one shall I choose? Where shall I be rooted, Lord? No longer interested in confusion… Dream Lover said we would build a life together, but we didn’t. Now I can no longer stay floating in the ocean waiting for him or anyone else to carry me home. The shore calls my name and I must answer. I am ready.
Where will I end up, Lord? Where will I plant things and watch them grow? Who will be my mate? Will I have children? I have learned how to make friends and build community anywhere, so I am no longer afraid of not having that, but where? Where shall I build my community and make friends? Will I be a writer one day? -You told me Yes on that one, and I am thankful. But the rest? Stability is important to me now. I’d like to say I’ve been doing such and such work for such and such years or I’ve been with a person for a long time or I’ve lived in a place for years and now my children live there.
I’ve travelled a lot, you know? I’ve been a lot of places internally and externally. I can always travel some more when I get bored, but for now, I am looking to find the place to come home to. I am going within. This is my adventure for the day, Lord. I am going within. To the place of all decision-making. I know that everything changes and asking for stability is an oxymoron if you live in the world. But I am in the ocean now. Born again. I am ready to swim to shore now. I have gathered my strength and cleaned and cleaned myself. I have lost my mind and found it renewed. I have recovered my smile and touched the deep well of Love in me. Now I am ready to build again, but I am not moved by anything that used to move me.
I am not trying to get anyone’s approval or prove anything anymore. I am not moved by the societal standards and the rules about what a woman in my country is supposed to do and be and have at this point in her life. Speak to me, Lord. Tell me which shore to swim to. Tell me where to plant my seeds. Tell me how to make good decisions. Tell me what to do with money. I know there are people suffering and I will help them, but what about me? What should I do for myself with money? I am new again and I need you for my Guide. I don’t know how I ever made it through life without You.
You are the Guide and I surrender. I look back at my life. Every time I have surrendered to You, You have taken me to greater heights than I could have imagined. I surrender now. Again. In the ocean. I forgot that You are in the ocean as well. With me. In me. I allow Your waves to carry me to the shore. But I must choose, You say. What kind of shore would I like to be at? And so I choose in this moment.
Truth be told, I have never experienced the kind of thing I am trying to create for my life. I couldn’t tell you where I want to live or what I want to do because I’ve never really lived in that kind of place before or done that kind of work before. The visions for my life are just fantasies in my mind for now. I’ve had pieces of it. When I visited Dream Lover, when I won my car, when I’m with my family and good friends and we are all on good terms, when I went overseas for the first time, when my yoga teacher was training me, when I’ve hung out with certain high-spirited individuals, when I interned in the writer’s room of that show and whenever I finish a creative project that I’m proud of… I’ve had moments of bliss and tastes of the kind of life that I dream of, but now I’d like to package those moments, Lord, and make them my real life.
I’d like to make those moments of bliss the norm instead of the exception. I don’t know how to do it because I’ve never done it before, but I know that it’s possible because You tell me if I can conceive a thing, then it is possible. And so I surrender. I trust now. There is no more fear. There is only hope. And we start with an intention. In this ocean where I float I now relax. I lay on the water. I trust You to carry me where I must be. To bring me to the shores where I will plant the new seeds of my life, whether they are here where I am or far away. I trust. And You ask, “What is this life I am trying to build?” Love. Community. Deep spiritual connection. Family. Joy. Expression and sharing of the gifts within me. Financial freedom. Healthy and clean environment. A mate. Children. Creating things to improve the world and joining with others who are already on that path. Scrumptious living for all involved.
-Stability is in you, You say, and I understand. When the storms in your mind are calm, when your emotions are clear, when your soul has come back home and there is more faith than fear, when you choose from this place, there is no more interference. There is only pure creation. I understand, I know, I accept, and I believe. And I surrender. Take me to the shore…
Day 209
Stability
Good day World,
It’s mid-afternoon. I’m at this art community place, surrounded by art galleries. There’s an open air space with table where people sit down and do work. The girl next to me is drawing beautiful sketches.
Maybe I’m a bit of a hippie, but I’m happy today. Really happy actually. I haven’t been writing as consistently. I’ve been spending a lot of time living this past week, and interacting with folks. I’m getting used to coming back to the world and being around people and I’m learning how to establish healthy boundaries for myself and be open to good things and maintain friendships at the same time. I am actually becoming a new person. I’m happy with who I am today. Free.
I have a very good friend who’s a therapist. I’ve only received counseling from him once before, but this past week, after receiving my rejection letter about my children’s book, I was feeling a little lost and confused about what direction to take next, and so I sought his help. For three days in a row, he counseled me on friendships, lovers, and money. It was really cool. I almost didn’t want our sessions to end. We went on a journey deep into my subconscious mind to explore my deep rooted beliefs about friendships, lovers and money. He made me go into a meditative state where I could see only pictures, and when I got there, he would say “OK, I’m about to drop a word in your mind” and I would have to tell him the immediate pictures that came up after he dropped the word. Then he would guide me until all images that I had associated with certain words were no longer negative…
Let me tell you. It was great. What was really interesting was what happened when we talked about money. All of the images that came to my mind included pain, destruction, war, and death. It was really hard letting myself see all that stuff and I wanted to quit the exercise, but he helped me get through it. He took me deeper and I had to explore where all of the negative images were coming from and when I finally found it, I had to find a way to stop it at the source. When we finally got to a place where the images where no longer negative, he asked me what I would like to do with my money. I told him about paying off all my debts and buying a house and helping all these people pay off their debts and buy a house, but we discovered something. Everything I wanted to do with money included basic survival. I had been asking for money all this time just so that I could survive, meaning just so that I could have food, water, shelter and clothes, the basic needs of survival. The few things that I like to do, write and dance and do nature stuff, doesn’t really cost much money.
In the past year, I had proven to myself that I don’t really need a lot of money to have food, water, shelter and clothes, so he asked me again what I would like to do with money, besides giving it to others and surviving, and I didn’t have an answer. It was a really profound revelation. I have been wanting to make all this time, but I had never really thought of any use for it that pleases me. No wonder I haven’t been making much money.
So I’ve been thinking on money these days. It’s a really big mental stretch, thinking about life outside of the survival zone when you’ve been basically just “surviving” most of your life. I mean, getting that house on the hill and being rich is the American dream, but what do you do after all the bills are paid and everyone you care about has all the money they need to survive?
In other news, I sat by the Man With The Big Hands at my spiritual center again. His name is Will. He’s the only one who gets a real name here, because everything about him is so real and tangible. He still hasn’t hit on me yet, but this time when we sat together, he actually stayed through the whole service and looked at me and did all the exercises with me. And he told little jokes and I told him I loved praying with him and he said, “It’s been a pretty positive experience for me too”, and I Love him. I Love praying with him. I won’t give him an imaginary personality or imagine that we will ever be together or try and force myself into his life. For the first time ever, God, I’m going to let You orchestrate my life. Whatever happens is actually OK. There is nothing to lose because I have found peace in me somewhere and, call me delusional, but I think that when you start with peace in you, there is nothing to be created but peace.
I had sought out this sponsor to fund my overseas trip and when I asked for the money, the guy wrote me a really snide email saying he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, trying to imply that my desire to go overseas and build community didn’t come from a heartfelt desire to help. I almost told him off, but instead I just read his email again. If he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, then they probably weren’t. It’s OK. I think I’m actually done with trying to force a result.
I am starting again, God. From a clean place. You have to start from a clean place otherwise everything just gets all muddy no matter what you try. What would I really do if I had more money than I could ever imagine? How would it be if I had a Love of my own that prayed with me and didn’t hurt me for once? What would I actually do with this gift of life? You see, I am actually starting to believe that I really have that choice. In spite of appearances, I am beginning to believe that once we get to a place of pure clarity and actually choose what we would make of ourselves, then You provide a way. There is no time for doubt. Time passes with or without doubt. Life goes by whether or not we ever attempt to make our lives look like something we’d like to look at.
I surrender to the Higher vision. I surrender to the original Truth of my soul. What would I do with money, friends and a lover? I’m still figuring it out, but for now, I know I choose peace with all of them. Let’s start there…
Day 208
Money, Lovers and Friends
