Good morning.
Going to another interview today, but have to clear my mind before I head out. I didn’t get what I wanted. Again.
I went to a fantastic audition yesterday. Miracle kind of stuff. A TV show was looking for people who spoke the language they speak in my parents’ country to do some voice over work. Not a lot of people in LA speak the language they speak in my parents’ country. So, a friend told me about this opportunity and I submitted my info, and I got called for an audition. And it was fantastic. It was on a studio lot and the woman interviewing us was really professional and everyone in the room had such high energy. It was a group audition, four women and two men, and I gave it my all. But alas, one of the other women was better than me. I admit. She spoke the language better than me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was still good. I still could have done the job, but she was better. Needless to say I didn’t get the job. It paid more money for one day of work than I usually make in a whole month…
I went to my spiritual center on Sunday and saw Will with his big magic hands. I had come late and when you come late the ushers seat you. So I saw Will and, even though the center was packed, no one was sitting by him, as usual. The usher was looking for a seat for me, and I pointed out the empty seat that was by Will, and then the usher said, “No, that seat is reserved”. I looked over at the seat next to Will and can you believe that Will had had the audacity to put a “reserved seat” sign next to him? No one sat in that seat the whole time. It took everything in me to resist the urge to go and sit by him and ask if that seat was reserved for me. When the service was over, I left, and when I passed by Will, he reached out and greeted me, but still…. Why he ain’t want me to sit by him? Why has it been four months and he hasn’t even asked me for any of my contact info? Why are all of the men I ever loved, I mean all of them, still running around the Earth silly and single, writing me apology letters and playing video games and dating random women that they’ll never marry instead of building a life with me? Why, for the life of me, can’t I get a stable, full-time, health-insurance, vacation-giving job?
I’m starting to feel a bit like a loser, and Lord, I need to know, why don’t I have what I want? I know we’ve been through this before, and I know that asking why is like asking why the sky is blue, but this is the point where some folks would go to a medicine man or something and see if someone put a spell on them. Or this is the point where I’m thinking maybe I should consider my mom’s advice and pray another way. I’m starting to lose the faith.
So, I’m here today before I leave the house. Before I start my day, I need to get my mind right. Please speak to me. What do I do when I don’t get what I want, over and over and over again? Do I change my wants? Do I do like the song and just focus on getting what I need? Do I keep trying? Do I try another method? I know that in this moment there is an opportunity for growth. I am strong. Grow me. Show me the Truth please.
I am starting to believe that life is all about choices. We can ask why forever, but at the end of the day, everything is about choices. Why is it that the men I like don’t seem to be interested in me? I don’t know. Maybe I’m ugly. Maybe not. Maybe I’m not rich or “together” enough. I don’t know… Why can’t I get a job that I want? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Maybe someone put a spell on me. Why have things been so hard for so long? I don’t know the answer to any of this. People will say, Go back home to my old job or get with such and such guy or try another career or lose some weight or gain some weight or dress differently or don’t talk so much or talk some more or don’t act so smart or be smarter. They will say go to church or the mosque or the temple or let a medicine man cleanse your aura or don’t go anywhere at all except within your own being. Everyone has an answer, but there are as many answers as there are problems…
So back to choices. Back to this intentional adventure. What to do when you don’t get what you want, over and over again? Is it an indication to change something or is it an indication to keep doing what you’re doing and try harder?
Good decisions come from first setting an intention and deciding what’s important. At some point, I have to decide whether I believe that God is on my side or not… Have you seen Life of Pi? A phenomenal movie. Maybe God is on my side. Maybe He isn’t. Maybe there is no such thing as God. Maybe there are a million Gods or God was born to a virgin in a manger or there is only One, but at some point we have to choose. I have to choose. What do I believe? What do I want my life to be about?
-This is what you do, Laydie, when you don’t get what you want. You go back to the original intention. You choose whether or not you want to stick with the original intention or if something else is more important. Your original intention was to have a loving mate, but is having a mate more important than having love? Would you rather be alone instead of being with someone that doesn’t make you come alive? Choose. Because it may take you some time to find that loving mate who wants you at the same time you want him. It may take a little more time for your life to manifest in all of its fullness, and in the meantime, while everything falls apart, the only thing that keeps you going is your choice to keep going…
– My advice. Go back to your original intention. Go back to it, Laydie. The other way is not for you. You know it. Your life is not about settling. That is not what you choose for yourself. You may choose something different if you like, but we know the Truth. So go back to the original intention. Choose it again. Every day choose it until you have exhausted all resources. Don’t get stuck on Will or some job or some situation. You chose to believe that God is for you and not against you. Let’s be clear. That is the spiritual path you chose, so embody it. Living a completely fulfilled life and achieving self realization is what you chose for your life, so let’s do it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Nobody said people wouldn’t talk about you. Nobody said you wouldn’t have to grow a lot, and not have the little things you want from time to time, but Let’s look at the bigger picture this time. Let’s not get snagged again. We’ve done that already. We’ve stopped and asked and doubted and questioned whether any of this was worth it.
-We are grown ups now. We don’t get stuck on “why”. We get up and do what needs to be done to feed the children. We cry if we have to, but we keep our hearts open. We stop playing dumb. We know what to do. We know the answer. Let go. What you wanted was not that little job or that particular man. Your original intention was to live a life of Divine alignment and fulfill your purpose on Earth with a partner that you can experience more bliss with than you have ever imagined. That’s what you want. Trust that you will have it and let Me work out the details. You are getting closer and closer every day. Don’t get snagged by appearances. Don’t give up. You will never get what you want if you give up, and just because you give up doesn’t mean your wants go away. They never go away, because they come from the root of who you are… Don’t give up. Come back home to your Spirit and refresh yourself. Come back and Know what you Know. Drink some water. And let’s keep going…
Day 213
When You Don’t Get What You Want
Good Morning.
It’s almost 9am. I have a busy day ahead of me. I’m still cat sitting, but guess what? I have had a good night’s sleep for almost the past week. I created a barricade for the cat, so she can’t come into my sleeping place. I also bought her some new kitty litter and I clean it out every day. I vacuumed and thoroughly cleaned this entire apartment, and I keep it clean daily, so the cat dander doesn’t really bother me as much. So it’s not so bad here anymore. Yesterday I went out to the beach for the first time. This apartment is literally a ten minute walk from the beach. I went for a run and discovered the beautiful ocean, volleyball nets, fire pits, and a trailer park full of beach people. I didn’t realize I’m living on prime real estate.
It’s not so bad. Life’s not so bad. One of my long lost ex’s sent me an email the other day asking for my forgiveness. He and I have been broken up for over four years now and he had never said sorry for anything. I don’t ask questions about miracles, God. I just let them be.
I made some money this week. Not a whole lot, but enough to pay the bills and eat what I wanted. I went dancing with some friends on Valentine’s Day. Someone actually asked me to be their Valentine, but I turned him down. FYI, this is the first year in over ten years that I have not been involved with or dating someone on Valentine’s Day, but it is also the first year in over ten years that someone has asked me out on a Valentine’s date or offered me a gift. Don’t judge me. I’ve come a long way…
Today, God, I’d just like to take a moment to appreciate the little things. Food, shelter, income. A few good friends. Family. Peace of mind. People who will receive my love and people who give love on purpose. Thank you. Thank you for my back that doesn’t hurt all the time anymore and the health in my body. Thank you for my hair. It doesn’t fall out anymore. And thank you for making it fall out when my life is too stressful, giving me a sign that it’s time to chill out. Thank you for my sweet niece calling me last night just to chat. Thank you for my spiritual center that I’m about to go to, where I will see Will and his big, angelic hands. Maybe we will sit by each other today, and even if we don’t, thank you for my spiritual center and all of the high-minded people that go there, creating such a vibrant vortex… Thank you, even, for this crazy adventure that I have been on that has helped grow me into a person with real Compassion and real Love and deep understanding.
I am not the same person I used to be, and although my life may not look all glamourous on the outside, I am beaming on the inside. It’s only a matter of time until my new life reflects the vibrant energy that I have been cultivating in me all this time. I’ve really been doing a clean-up job, and there was a lot to clean up, but I can feel my real self growing now, and I am Light. I am so much Light. I am so much Love. I am so much Beauty, and that’s ok with me. I am other things as well, stubborn and hypersensitive and even mean sometimes, but those things are ok with me, too. You know, I forgive so many people for their shortcomings and trespasses against me. I deserve to be forgiven, too. I’m not that bad.
I know this may all sound like gibberish to you, but it’s a big deal for me to realize, no, to know, that I’m not that bad. That I am good things and I can be good things. It’s a big deal for me to be comfortable in my own skin just as I am today. Without a man, and without a book deal and without all the fancy material things, I am still ok today. I am still Light and Love today. There are still little things in life to be happy about. Today. There is still peace of mind and downright bliss today. I feel like a grown up today. I am a grown up.
Yes, there are still things to do and places to go and other iterations of myself to be and deeper understandings to have, but today, Lord, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the little things. They are important. They are enough for me. Today…
Day 212
The Little Things
Good morning,
It’s a good morning today, God. Thank you.
I’m sitting in my car. About to start the day. A new day. Today feels like a new day. It’s been almost a week, and I still don’t feel crazy. I got really disappointed by a friend of mine. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He just didn’t want to do a thing that I wanted him to do, so I was disappointed and a little sad, but still I didn’t feel crazy.
I met some new guys since my last entry. They want whatever they want, but I was actually able to sit still and ask myself what I want, and it was cool to be aware of what I want for once.
And I did a couple of job interviews. One of them is like a dream job for me. A combination of teaching, film, leadership and community service. And it pays well and has advancement potential. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen an opportunity that I could imagine myself staying at for years upon years. I hope I get it, but I’m not panicky about it, like I would be in the past.
The people I’m housesitting for want to give away their cat. Talk about a miracle. I’m writing from my car right now because I can’t sit in their apartment for too long without the taste of cat smell getting in my mouth and my eyes itching. I’m trying to find the cat a really loving home…
I have a trunk full of papers that need to be sorted and a few writing projects that need to be completed. I have work that needs to be done towards my heal the world trip this summer. That’s my focus for this week. I actually feel able to get these things done.
The thing about going through some kind of pain or disaster or disappointment is that after you go through a thing, if you come out all right and if you are willing to learn and grow, you learn that it’s possible to go through a thing and still be all right and navigating life becomes that much easier. This past week I was really disappointed about my friend not coming to visit me. I was actually heartbroken because he’s the one person in the world who I thought would always be there for me.
And that disappointment just set off thoughts of all of the disappointments that I had from men all of my life. I had been carrying it. All of this sadness. I had been blaming all these dudes for all of the stuff they did to poor little me, but this week, in the name of change and growth and the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth, I had to see the part I played in all that has ever hurt me.
I had been begging people who didn’t want to love me to love me all this time. I felt ashamed, but I had to own up to it. I had some responsibility in the matters. I had chosen to trust people who had never shown themselves trustworthy. I had chosen to give up all of the little things I had worked for to run and be with some man. I had let myself go without birthday gifts and Valentine’s dates for years and stayed committed to men who didn’t even know my last name. I had not demanded to be loved by the men I claimed to be with. I had given away all of my power thinking that someone had to save me and I had spent my time and money and energy going to the ends of the Earth trying to love brick walls who didn’t even notice me.
And I played small so that some people would feel comfortable around me.
And I loved folks who would give my gifts to other women and put my health in danger.
Nobody made me do it. I had to own up to it. I could blame all these men for whatever I think they did forever, but the truth is, none of them ever forced me to be with them. Heck, most of them didn’t even bother to try and deceive me. For whatever reasons (lack of self esteem, fear of being alone, societal pressure to be with a man, etc) I chose to dishonor myself, and I had to come to terms with that. It was all me…
And I learned that you can make your life better even if you don’t feel good. Because things got better. Little things, but little things are still things. And it’s a good lesson to learn, especially for sensitive people. Your feelings don’t have to dictate your life. The wonderful thing about life is that it works from the inside out and the outside in. So when you start doing things to improve your life, in spite of your feelings, your feelings tend to follow suit and change.
Sometimes I truly understand what a gift it is to have this life. In moments like this, I can look into it all and see that anything is possible for my life. Really. It’s definitely not easy. It may take a long time and there may be some dying and humility and pain involved. At some point, though, if you really want to change, you are going to have to own up to your part in the creation of the life you now live. That way, you can see what you need to do differently now, and the answer isn’t, “don’t trust men”. The answer is “find men who have shown themselves trustworthy before you trust them”. The answer isn’t “don’t love again”. The answer is “love and honor yourself” and those who live to take and give no love in return will find easier targets because a person who loves themselves demands love from the one they give their heart to, unless they choose not to demand love on purpose…
Yes, there are evil people in the world. Yes, everyone doesn’t start off with the same resources and knowledge. Yes, there are so many things that can and do go wrong, but what are you gonna do about it? Of course there are pimps and users and gold diggers and horribly selfish people on the Earth who will exploit anyone and anything the first chance they get and never say sorry for one bit of it, but what are going to do about them? If you are one of them, what are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about all of the good things in you that are screaming to be expressed? What are you gonna about that life that you once upon a time dreamed you could have? The dream never goes away. A dream deferred does everything that Langston Hughes’ poem said it does, so what are you gonna do about your dreams and your big, loving heart? It doesn’t stop wanting love just because you close it up. So what are you gonna do about it? Really? What are you gonna do?
Day 210
Own Up
Not crazy today. Eyes closed. Going in…
Not feeling crazy for the first time in a long time. Woman now. No longer girl. Coming back to the world as woman. Different. Head held higher. Different. Still me.
Love. Stability is important now. Like work again. Found work I like. Wow. So many adventures. Floating in the middle of the ocean. Been floating for some time. Drowning at first. I learned how to stay afloat. Survive. Sat there. In the ocean. Floating. Looking at different shores. Not sure where to swim. Fellow drifters came, bringing good news of life on shore and stories that made me crave the ocean more. And now, though the ocean keeps me afloat and I have found comfort in the crazy, the shore beckons me. Stability calls my name. “Come and plant seeds”, it says. Come and build a thing.
And I am looking at the shores now. They are everywhere. I am surrounded by them. Which one shall I choose? Where shall I be rooted, Lord? No longer interested in confusion… Dream Lover said we would build a life together, but we didn’t. Now I can no longer stay floating in the ocean waiting for him or anyone else to carry me home. The shore calls my name and I must answer. I am ready.
Where will I end up, Lord? Where will I plant things and watch them grow? Who will be my mate? Will I have children? I have learned how to make friends and build community anywhere, so I am no longer afraid of not having that, but where? Where shall I build my community and make friends? Will I be a writer one day? -You told me Yes on that one, and I am thankful. But the rest? Stability is important to me now. I’d like to say I’ve been doing such and such work for such and such years or I’ve been with a person for a long time or I’ve lived in a place for years and now my children live there.
I’ve travelled a lot, you know? I’ve been a lot of places internally and externally. I can always travel some more when I get bored, but for now, I am looking to find the place to come home to. I am going within. This is my adventure for the day, Lord. I am going within. To the place of all decision-making. I know that everything changes and asking for stability is an oxymoron if you live in the world. But I am in the ocean now. Born again. I am ready to swim to shore now. I have gathered my strength and cleaned and cleaned myself. I have lost my mind and found it renewed. I have recovered my smile and touched the deep well of Love in me. Now I am ready to build again, but I am not moved by anything that used to move me.
I am not trying to get anyone’s approval or prove anything anymore. I am not moved by the societal standards and the rules about what a woman in my country is supposed to do and be and have at this point in her life. Speak to me, Lord. Tell me which shore to swim to. Tell me where to plant my seeds. Tell me how to make good decisions. Tell me what to do with money. I know there are people suffering and I will help them, but what about me? What should I do for myself with money? I am new again and I need you for my Guide. I don’t know how I ever made it through life without You.
You are the Guide and I surrender. I look back at my life. Every time I have surrendered to You, You have taken me to greater heights than I could have imagined. I surrender now. Again. In the ocean. I forgot that You are in the ocean as well. With me. In me. I allow Your waves to carry me to the shore. But I must choose, You say. What kind of shore would I like to be at? And so I choose in this moment.
Truth be told, I have never experienced the kind of thing I am trying to create for my life. I couldn’t tell you where I want to live or what I want to do because I’ve never really lived in that kind of place before or done that kind of work before. The visions for my life are just fantasies in my mind for now. I’ve had pieces of it. When I visited Dream Lover, when I won my car, when I’m with my family and good friends and we are all on good terms, when I went overseas for the first time, when my yoga teacher was training me, when I’ve hung out with certain high-spirited individuals, when I interned in the writer’s room of that show and whenever I finish a creative project that I’m proud of… I’ve had moments of bliss and tastes of the kind of life that I dream of, but now I’d like to package those moments, Lord, and make them my real life.
I’d like to make those moments of bliss the norm instead of the exception. I don’t know how to do it because I’ve never done it before, but I know that it’s possible because You tell me if I can conceive a thing, then it is possible. And so I surrender. I trust now. There is no more fear. There is only hope. And we start with an intention. In this ocean where I float I now relax. I lay on the water. I trust You to carry me where I must be. To bring me to the shores where I will plant the new seeds of my life, whether they are here where I am or far away. I trust. And You ask, “What is this life I am trying to build?” Love. Community. Deep spiritual connection. Family. Joy. Expression and sharing of the gifts within me. Financial freedom. Healthy and clean environment. A mate. Children. Creating things to improve the world and joining with others who are already on that path. Scrumptious living for all involved.
-Stability is in you, You say, and I understand. When the storms in your mind are calm, when your emotions are clear, when your soul has come back home and there is more faith than fear, when you choose from this place, there is no more interference. There is only pure creation. I understand, I know, I accept, and I believe. And I surrender. Take me to the shore…
Day 209
Stability
Good day World,
It’s mid-afternoon. I’m at this art community place, surrounded by art galleries. There’s an open air space with table where people sit down and do work. The girl next to me is drawing beautiful sketches.
Maybe I’m a bit of a hippie, but I’m happy today. Really happy actually. I haven’t been writing as consistently. I’ve been spending a lot of time living this past week, and interacting with folks. I’m getting used to coming back to the world and being around people and I’m learning how to establish healthy boundaries for myself and be open to good things and maintain friendships at the same time. I am actually becoming a new person. I’m happy with who I am today. Free.
I have a very good friend who’s a therapist. I’ve only received counseling from him once before, but this past week, after receiving my rejection letter about my children’s book, I was feeling a little lost and confused about what direction to take next, and so I sought his help. For three days in a row, he counseled me on friendships, lovers, and money. It was really cool. I almost didn’t want our sessions to end. We went on a journey deep into my subconscious mind to explore my deep rooted beliefs about friendships, lovers and money. He made me go into a meditative state where I could see only pictures, and when I got there, he would say “OK, I’m about to drop a word in your mind” and I would have to tell him the immediate pictures that came up after he dropped the word. Then he would guide me until all images that I had associated with certain words were no longer negative…
Let me tell you. It was great. What was really interesting was what happened when we talked about money. All of the images that came to my mind included pain, destruction, war, and death. It was really hard letting myself see all that stuff and I wanted to quit the exercise, but he helped me get through it. He took me deeper and I had to explore where all of the negative images were coming from and when I finally found it, I had to find a way to stop it at the source. When we finally got to a place where the images where no longer negative, he asked me what I would like to do with my money. I told him about paying off all my debts and buying a house and helping all these people pay off their debts and buy a house, but we discovered something. Everything I wanted to do with money included basic survival. I had been asking for money all this time just so that I could survive, meaning just so that I could have food, water, shelter and clothes, the basic needs of survival. The few things that I like to do, write and dance and do nature stuff, doesn’t really cost much money.
In the past year, I had proven to myself that I don’t really need a lot of money to have food, water, shelter and clothes, so he asked me again what I would like to do with money, besides giving it to others and surviving, and I didn’t have an answer. It was a really profound revelation. I have been wanting to make all this time, but I had never really thought of any use for it that pleases me. No wonder I haven’t been making much money.
So I’ve been thinking on money these days. It’s a really big mental stretch, thinking about life outside of the survival zone when you’ve been basically just “surviving” most of your life. I mean, getting that house on the hill and being rich is the American dream, but what do you do after all the bills are paid and everyone you care about has all the money they need to survive?
In other news, I sat by the Man With The Big Hands at my spiritual center again. His name is Will. He’s the only one who gets a real name here, because everything about him is so real and tangible. He still hasn’t hit on me yet, but this time when we sat together, he actually stayed through the whole service and looked at me and did all the exercises with me. And he told little jokes and I told him I loved praying with him and he said, “It’s been a pretty positive experience for me too”, and I Love him. I Love praying with him. I won’t give him an imaginary personality or imagine that we will ever be together or try and force myself into his life. For the first time ever, God, I’m going to let You orchestrate my life. Whatever happens is actually OK. There is nothing to lose because I have found peace in me somewhere and, call me delusional, but I think that when you start with peace in you, there is nothing to be created but peace.
I had sought out this sponsor to fund my overseas trip and when I asked for the money, the guy wrote me a really snide email saying he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, trying to imply that my desire to go overseas and build community didn’t come from a heartfelt desire to help. I almost told him off, but instead I just read his email again. If he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, then they probably weren’t. It’s OK. I think I’m actually done with trying to force a result.
I am starting again, God. From a clean place. You have to start from a clean place otherwise everything just gets all muddy no matter what you try. What would I really do if I had more money than I could ever imagine? How would it be if I had a Love of my own that prayed with me and didn’t hurt me for once? What would I actually do with this gift of life? You see, I am actually starting to believe that I really have that choice. In spite of appearances, I am beginning to believe that once we get to a place of pure clarity and actually choose what we would make of ourselves, then You provide a way. There is no time for doubt. Time passes with or without doubt. Life goes by whether or not we ever attempt to make our lives look like something we’d like to look at.
I surrender to the Higher vision. I surrender to the original Truth of my soul. What would I do with money, friends and a lover? I’m still figuring it out, but for now, I know I choose peace with all of them. Let’s start there…
Day 208
Money, Lovers and Friends
Shall I tell you what happened? I had a meeting with a big time New York literary agent. I sent her a blind query letter via email and she responded on the same day saying she liked my children’s book. Then she called me and we talked about the book and my illustrator. She looked up my illustrator’s work and said she absolutely loved it! Then she said she would get back to me!!!!
Yesterday, she sent me a rejection email…
Shall I tell you the changes that went through my brain? When I was communicating with her, instantly life seemed different. I actually saw myself as a successful writer. I had money and I was in New York speaking with my illustrator about the book pages. I was meeting with people about my other projects. In my daydream my skin was clear and I had fancy tailored clothes. All my debts were paid off. I was talking to people overseas about my community building project, which was actually going to happen this summer. And men, the kind of men I like, available, really single, happy, successful, young enough but old enough, strong, prayerful, kind men were trying to court me…
I saw all of this in my daydream. So you can imagine the feeling I had when I read that email. I was sitting at my family’s apartment (where I’m currently cat sitting). I got off the computer and the cat came around and licked me or put her wet nose/mouth on me or whatever they do and then started purring and rubbing me… I’m not a cat person and have a slight allergy to cats. I looked around at my life. So different than the daydream I had just had. Things went from seeming possible to seeming impossible just like that.
It came to my mind to just quit. Throw in the towel. Go back to my momma’s house. At least I know I could get a good job and I wouldn’t be poor anymore. At least I know there are marriage-minded available-ish men over there. They have a kid or four but they’ll marry you. You just have to be whatever religion they profess to be. Yesterday, after coming so close to realizing the dream, I saw that none of my actual life right now had any semblance to that daydream, and I was heartbroken. Really. What am I doing here? I asked myself. And I felt completely lost. Because there was nowhere else I could go. There was no life for me back at home. Who was I fooling? One of my sister’s offered for me to go with her to Hawaii, but that wasn’t my life. And I didn’t feel like running away or running back to any one of my exes.
Deep down I knew I had to stay and tough out the disappointment. The practice what you preach part. But God, it was hard. It’s still hard. It’s not easy, God, to have such a wonderful dream and wake up to something so different and not know how to move from A to B. Because I’m trying, you know? I’ve been trying for some time now. And You say try some more. This is where the real faith comes in. There is no visible sign of hope of achieving anything I ever dreamed of, and you are just telling me to try some more?
-Yes.
Wow…
I guess I have come out of depression. I am always surprised when people tell me I have a happy or radiant disposition. I guess I’m not depressed any more. Nothing is going as I imagined it. You know that, huh God?
-Everything is going as you imagined it. Look again. Look again and be grateful. Everything is going as you imagined it. How do you think strength is developed? How do you think the ability to change human hearts is achieved? Through sitting at home and reading books about life experiences? How do you think you learn about real love? You have to go through it. You do, Laydie. All this good stuff you are learning will take you very far. You have given up on running and avoidance. You will see. Your daydream and so much more you shall have. And this will be your testimony…
My testimony… Honestly, I am not completely broken. I am not completely discouraged. I don’t see anything. Any answers. Any way out. Any path from here to there. But I know that there are still ways out even if I don’t see a way. The world is not limited to my understanding of it. And so, in this moment, I open my life up again. And again and again and again. Recommitting God. Even now. Even now. Even now I make a commitment. You are teaching me faith and true spiritual strength and I accept. I open myself up to unexpected good in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. I accept my destiny fulfilled. Even now. Even if I can’t see what’s happening yet. And there are still things I can do.
Eye on the prize, You say. Move towards the vision, You say, and I will. I will keep making writing submissions. I will keep finishing projects. I will keep my body and skin in good shape. I will keep my romantic life and my conscience clear and open. I will make moves and plans towards the overseas project and I will not leave LA unless I’m running towards something, not running away. I will keep the vision. I will keep the faith. Thank you, God.
Ameen.
Day 207
Towards The Vision (Keep The Faith)
It’s morning, but this one won’t be long. I have a lot to do today. Time to make some money.
I went to a meeting at this organization yesterday that helps people find jobs. The speaker was really funny. She talked about vision and how some of our visions had become dusty, like a picture hanging on the wall in our grandmother’s house. She talked about cleaning up our vision for our lives and seeing what’s really there and then making a move on it. She also encouraged us to make today a new day, and she said the measure of a new day is that you do something new in the day.
I liked her talk. My ego wants to say that I already knew all that, but I’m glad she said it yesterday. Put some things in perspective. My now former boss asked his secretary to contact me and ask me for the report that I made for him. The one that he threw back at me and told me he didn’t need. -_-
I remember why I checked out of the world. There’s a lot going on out there. It’s a lot for a hypersensitive soul like me. I was thinking about it, and realized that I almost let my former boss drag me into a really compromising situation. Why would I compromise myself like that for someone I don’t even care about? It’s the whole power thing. I felt like I had to do what he said because I worked for him. But that’s not true. I don’t have to do anything, especially not something that compromises my integrity. It’s a note to self, especially as I am coming back to work in a world that is not necessarily based on integrity.
And this is the new thing that I’m learning. This is the intentional thing for today. At some point, if you are brave enough to be sensitive and participate in the world, and if you have the audacity to open your mouth and say you are trying to create something good, you are going to have to take a stand for yourself.
Some people think kindness is weakness, and so, if you are kind (like I am), you are going to have to find a way to be kind, but also be kind to yourself. Don’t let people punk you. Don’t let people manipulate you into doing things that compromise who you are. There will be some guy with an agenda that tries to coerce you into doing something you know you don’t really want to do. There will be someone with control issues trying to get you on their team, especially if they think you are strong. It’s not about you. It’s about their ego. Recognize. Because if your entire life is about pleasing others, you’re most likely going to get played.
And we are taught that to think of oneself and put oneself first is selfish. I’m not talking about being selfish. I’m talking about standing up. Stand up! Stand up for your life. Stand up for your dreams. Be on your own side. Stand up. We all have a right, you see. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you’ve been through or your race or gender or how poor your momma was or what you’ve done in the past. We get this thing called a new day and we can literally turn it all around. Really. Every single thing can be healed. Every single thing can be changed, but you have to do the work for yourself. I believe it.
It may not be easy. You’re going to have to believe in the possibility of things you never experienced. There’s no way around it. If you don’t personally know a single person who has ever been in a loving, lasting relationship, but you want to create that for yourself, then you are going to have to be delusional for a while and believe that somewhere in the world, this magical thing called Love and Harmony exists and it’s possible for you. People will tell you, “Girl, just settle. Every guy’s gonna cheat. At least he takes care of you”. Their vision is only based on experience because they have no faith, and this is where you have to stand up for yourself. This is where you have to defend your own vision. You have to. I mean, you don’t have to. But I have to. Because my vision never goes away. I can put it on the shelf, run from it, ignore it, try to stomp it out, but it never goes away, and my vision for my life has nothing to do with what I’ve experienced. It has everything to do with what I would like to experience…
I still believe in Love and Reciprocity. I still believe in integrity. I still believe that I have books and songs and movies and projects that people in the world will Love and need and use. I still believe that joy is a necessary part of life and I believe in good food and clean air and nourishment. I believe in true happiness and people telling the truth and not trying to hurt each other and being there for each other. I believe in the possibility of goodness in spite of whatever I may have experienced in my life and I know that there is no way that I am alone…
This is my day today, God. I’m standing up. I thank you for that woman’s words yesterday. I thank you for my health and the clarity in my mind. I thank you for a place to live and eat and sleep. I thank you for the inspiration that you have put in my Spirit and I walk out into the world today knowing that my life is worth standing up for, knowing that I, too, am a good thing… Ameen.
Day 206
Stand Up
Good day. I’ve been trying to write this entry for a few days now, but nothing has been clear, so I’ve been waiting for something…
It’s been four days since I’ve had a good night’s sleep, but last night I slept really well. I dreamed of my father smiling with open arms. He was coming home. Sometimes I forget that I used to have a dad that loved the mess out of me. He comes to me even now, in my dreams and prayers, when I need it most, reminding me about love and happiness… Reminding me that someone loved me all the way for no good reason, without me doing anything… Reminding me that Love is important and possible, even for me.
Deep emotion is welled up within me. I think it’s Love. There’s a ridiculous amount of love in me…
I have been coming back to the world all this past week, and there were many adventures. There’s only one I’d like to remember. The day I stood up to “the man”. I finished my work exchange for my writing class, but right before I finished, my boss asked me to do an impossible project. I was supposed to find a top secret business plan and get it to him so that he could start a comparable business using the folk’s information. And of course, while finding the top secret information, I was just supposed to pretend that I am a novice seeking advice on how to start a business and not tell folks that I was doing this project for my boss. -_-
So, I did it. I found his business plan and went above and beyond. I ended up getting a meeting with some big time business owners under my novice pretense, and I found myself in a conundrum. The meeting was scheduled for four days after my last day of work… My boss wanted me to create a bigger lie and have him at the meeting, but I didn’t want to do that. I was sick of him and the whole lying thing, and I didn’t want to mess up my reputation with the real big timers. But I was also scared to mess up my relationship with my boss…
After completing his project, though, I actually realized that I was valuable and I could find information and make connections that other people have a very hard time making. So I decided to just be valuable since all evidence seemed to be pointing to the fact that I was valuable. I told my boss about my concerns, and he immediately jumped on the defense, good old fashioned Hollywood style, and told me to take the meeting on my own. Yes! I was glad. I get to tell the truth and make the meeting into something real that could be beneficial to me, instead of being used for evil purposes…
I was glad to be able to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself and thinking I’m worth sh*t has been an issue I’ve dealt with most of my life. It’s been a long life, y’all…
Today I went back and read over some of the exchanges I’ve had with people over the years: letters, emails, cards, texts… So many of them packed with such emotion. Faint memories of all the entanglements. What were we all so mad about? What were we all so passionate about? What did we all really want from each other? When you get down to the root of it, most of our disagreements have to do with control. We want another person to do (or not do) a thing and they aren’t getting with the program. And so we try to force, manipulate, and trick them into doing (or not doing) whatever it is we want. Of course, if it works, it only works temporarily, and if it doesn’t work, we get mad and try to punish people, etc. And when the power play fizzles out, we find new people to play with until we learn about this control thing. Some people never learn and they start wars and fights and have kids all in the name of whatever, but it’s really about control…
That’s what I learned this week. Our most precious gift is our free will. People will run away, cheat, steal, lie, fight, and even die to preserve their right to do what they want to do and be who they want to be. It’s really phenomenal and absurd when you think about it. I have been trying for so much time to force things. Change people. Make people. Care. Tell the truth. Love. Be there. Do this, that or the other. Don’t do this. Think this way. Build a thing with me. Be a thing for me. All in vain. All in vain… People are going to do what they want to do. Period. You can force and manipulate the weak for a while, but eventually, even if they have to do it in secret, people are going to do what they want to do.
It’s best if, when you want to do something, and you want to do it with someone, you find someone who wants to do what you want to do with you. It makes sense, right?
I think what happens is that people aren’t used to knowing what they want to do or be, and so we find someone to follow, a hero to tell us how to live our lives. But somewhere in the in-between when we start discovering ourselves, we find out that we don’t want to do what the heroes tell us to do. And then things fall apart because we have all of these relationships that were built upon unspoken power arrangements instead of harmonious consensus.
If we would take the time to really figure out what we want to do, and what’s important to us. And if we could just have an ounce of faith and believe that it is possible to find those who are on the same page as us, instead of trying to force folks to be a certain way, life could be so much easier.
Lord, You are in me today. All up in my tingling hands and my heart. This is the next thing I have come to. Using my will. Finally. Not in reaction to anyone else’s will, but in harmony with the intentions of those I interact with. Not in a power struggle. No more fight in me. Yes, I can maintain peace now. Yes, I can co-create sustainable love and friendships now. Yes, I can boldly present my gifts to the world. Yes, I can participate in Divine Abundance and accept that everything that I need to do my work is available to me.
No more crying. Use your will now. It is your greatest asset. I am ready now, God. I am ready. Give me something to work with…
Day 205
Use Your Own Will
Good morning World.
It’s before 7 am! I’m excited that I’m actually up and doing things. I’ve been having a hard time actually getting up when I said I will and doing what I planned for the past week or so.
It took everything for me to get up at 4:30 this morning, but I’m up. I’ve already done my prayers, yoga, and followed up on some pressing assignments. I’m back.
Yesterday was really hard. I had a conference call with my family about some ventures that we are about to embark upon as a group, and I was so aware of all of the underlying emotions that were driving certain aspects of the conversation. It was really disturbing to realize that I’ve been sitting over here in my own world singing kumbayah every day, but everyone in the family hasn’t been on that program, and some people don’t even want to be on that program.
This is called coming back to the world. Reality check. We think we know ourselves in our safe little environments, surrounded by all who would agree with us and champion our every thought. But we don’t really come to know who we are until we are challenged by those who disagree with us or don’t like us. I can sit up here and meditate and say “peace peace peace forgiveness” all day long, but can I really be peaceful in the midst of others who never even thought about bringing peace? When people are arguing and fighting and hating each other, and even hating me, will I give in to it and start fighting too and harboring new resentments or will I still be able to say “peace peace peace forgiveness”?
I think I can do it, God. No, I know I can do it. I can do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I’m coming back to the world, with all of the things You have been teaching me all of this time. I am choosing to live my life and bring the fullness of who I am back to the world. Here. Now. All of the Love. All of it. All of the courage. All of the strength. All of the genius that has been lying dormant in me for so long. All of it. Here. Now. Today.
At my spiritual center, the leader was talking about coming to the well the other day. I’d like to share with you what he said.
He was basically talking about how you can change your life, or your consciousness rather. He asserted that you may be able to “will” or manipulate your way into a temporary change in circumstances, but you will not be able to make any permanent change in your life until you change your state of consciousness. I agree with him.
So, on changing your consciousness, he said that the way to do it was to “go to the well” every day. Meaning, every day, before you get started with the worldly stuff, you sit down and deal with yourself. You sort out what’s happening in your mind and your emotions and you reach deep down into your spirit, either through prayer, meditation, reading or however you get in touch, and you bring forth whatever spiritual quality you know you need. And you know what you need. Sometimes it’s Peace of Mind. Abundance. Forgiveness. Faith. Love. Compassion… Sometimes it’s Clarity or Guidance…
He said, you go to the well of your soul and you stay there until you are nourished with what you need to start your day out right. This is where you can find the Truth and the Growth and the Change in the midst of all that is occurring in the outer world… I went there this morning and I found my Peace of Mind. I needed it. I’m coming back to the world and everyone doesn’t have peace of mind. And I’m not a baby anymore. I can’t just sequester myself to being around the peaceful people anymore. I have work to do…
Allah, I thank You for this time You have given me. This time that I have had to get to know myself. I thank You for leading me to a place of Inner Guidance and Peace and Acceptance. I thank you for this outlet that I have to sort myself out, and the energy to get off the bed even when I think it’s hard. I thank you for letting me know that anything is possible even when I think it’s hard, and that even my own thoughts have no power over me. There is a greater Power than all of our conditioning. There is a greater Truth than all of our coping mechanisms.
In the midst of it all, there is Grace. In the midst of it all, there is Guidance. There is Life waiting to unfold. I open my arms in receptivity and I say yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, Lord, I am willing to do my part. I am willing to live the life that I am truly destined to live. I am finally willing…
Day 204
On Coming Back To The World (Or Going To The Well)
hownottocryeveryday 