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Day 207 – Towards The Vision (Keep The Faith)

January 17, 2013

Shall I tell you what happened? I had a meeting with a big time New York literary agent. I sent her a blind query letter via email and she responded on the same day saying she liked my children’s book. Then she called me and we talked about the book and my illustrator. She looked up my illustrator’s work and said she absolutely loved it! Then she said she would get back to me!!!!

Yesterday, she sent me a rejection email…

Shall I tell you the changes that went through my brain? When I was communicating with her, instantly life seemed different. I actually saw myself as a successful writer. I had money and I was in New York speaking with my illustrator about the book pages. I was meeting with people about my other projects. In my daydream my skin was clear and I had fancy tailored clothes. All my debts were paid off. I was talking to people overseas about my community building project, which was actually going to happen this summer. And men, the kind of men I like, available, really single, happy, successful, young enough but old enough, strong, prayerful, kind men were trying to court me…

I saw all of this in my daydream. So you can imagine the feeling I had when I read that email. I was sitting at my family’s apartment (where I’m currently cat sitting). I got off the computer and the cat came around and licked me or put her wet nose/mouth on me or whatever they do and then started purring and rubbing me… I’m not a cat person and have a slight allergy to cats. I looked around at my life. So different than the daydream I had just had. Things went from seeming possible to seeming impossible just like that.

It came to my mind to just quit. Throw in the towel. Go back to my momma’s house. At least I know I could get a good job and I wouldn’t be poor anymore. At least I know there are marriage-minded available-ish men over there. They have a kid or four but they’ll marry you. You just have to be whatever religion they profess to be. Yesterday, after coming so close to realizing the dream, I saw that none of my actual life right now had any semblance to that daydream, and I was heartbroken. Really. What am I doing here? I asked myself. And I felt completely lost. Because there was nowhere else I could go. There was no life for me back at home. Who was I fooling? One of my sister’s offered for me to go with her to Hawaii, but that wasn’t my life. And I didn’t feel like running away or running back to any one of my exes.

Deep down I knew I had to stay and tough out the disappointment. The practice what you preach part. But God, it was hard. It’s still hard. It’s not easy, God, to have such a wonderful dream and wake up to something so different and not know how to move from A to B. Because I’m trying, you know? I’ve been trying for some time now. And You say try some more. This is where the real faith comes in. There is no visible sign of hope of achieving anything I ever dreamed of, and you are just telling me to try some more?

-Yes.

Wow…

I guess I have come out of depression. I am always surprised when people tell me I have a happy or radiant disposition. I guess I’m not depressed any more. Nothing is going as I imagined it. You know that, huh God?

-Everything is going as you imagined it. Look again. Look again and be grateful. Everything is going as you imagined it. How do you think strength is developed? How do you think the ability to change human hearts is achieved? Through sitting at home and reading books about life experiences? How do you think you learn about real love? You have to go through it. You do, Laydie. All this good stuff you are learning will take you very far. You have given up on running and avoidance. You will see. Your daydream and so much more you shall have. And this will be your testimony…

My testimony… Honestly, I am not completely broken. I am not completely discouraged. I don’t see anything. Any answers. Any way out. Any path from here to there. But I know that there are still ways out even if I don’t see a way. The world is not limited to my understanding of it. And so, in this moment, I open my life up again. And again and again and again. Recommitting God. Even now. Even now. Even now I make a commitment. You are teaching me faith and true spiritual strength and I accept. I open myself up to unexpected good in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. I accept my destiny fulfilled. Even now. Even if I can’t see what’s happening yet. And there are still things I can do.

Eye on the prize, You say. Move towards the vision, You say, and I will. I will keep making writing submissions. I will keep finishing projects. I will keep my body and skin in good shape. I will keep my romantic life and my conscience clear and open. I will make moves and plans towards the overseas project and I will not leave LA unless I’m running towards something, not running away. I will keep the vision. I will keep the faith. Thank you, God.

Ameen.

Day 207

Towards The Vision (Keep The Faith)

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