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Day 210 – Own Up

February 4, 2013

Good morning,

It’s a good morning today, God. Thank you.

I’m sitting in my car. About to start the day. A new day. Today feels like a new day. It’s been almost a week, and I still don’t feel crazy. I got really disappointed by a friend of mine. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He just didn’t want to do a thing that I wanted him to do, so I was disappointed and a little sad, but still I didn’t feel crazy.

I met some new guys since my last entry. They want whatever they want, but I was actually able to sit still and ask myself what I want, and it was cool to be aware of what I want for once.

And I did a couple of job interviews. One of them is like a dream job for me. A combination of teaching, film, leadership and community service. And it pays well and has advancement potential. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen an opportunity that I could imagine myself staying at for years upon years. I hope I get it, but I’m not panicky about it, like I would be in the past.

The people I’m housesitting for want to give away their cat. Talk about a miracle. I’m writing from my car right now because I can’t sit in their apartment for too long without the taste of cat smell getting in my mouth and my eyes itching. I’m trying to find the cat a really loving home…

I have a trunk full of papers that need to be sorted and a few writing projects that need to be completed. I have work that needs to be done towards my heal the world trip this summer. That’s my focus for this week. I actually feel able to get these things done.

The thing about going through some kind of pain or disaster or disappointment is that after you go through a thing, if you come out all right and if you are willing to learn and grow, you learn that it’s possible to go through a thing and still be all right and navigating life becomes that much easier. This past week I was really disappointed about my friend not coming to visit me. I was actually heartbroken because he’s the one person in the world who I thought would always be there for me.

And that disappointment just set off thoughts of all of the disappointments that I had from men all of my life. I had been carrying it. All of this sadness. I had been blaming all these dudes for all of the stuff they did to poor little me, but this week, in the name of change and growth and the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth, I had to see the part I played in all that has ever hurt me.

I had been begging people who didn’t want to love me to love me all this time. I felt ashamed, but I had to own up to it. I had some responsibility in the matters. I had chosen to trust people who had never shown themselves trustworthy. I had chosen to give up all of the little things I had worked for to run and be with some man. I had let myself go without birthday gifts and Valentine’s dates for years and stayed committed to men who didn’t even know my last name. I had not demanded to be loved by the men I claimed to be with. I had given away all of my power thinking that someone had to save me and I had spent my time and money and energy going to the ends of the Earth trying to love brick walls who didn’t even notice me.

And I played small so that some people would feel comfortable around me.

And I loved folks who would give my gifts to other women and put my health in danger.

Nobody made me do it. I had to own up to it. I could blame all these men for whatever I think they did forever, but the truth is, none of them ever forced me to be with them. Heck, most of them didn’t even bother to try and deceive me. For whatever reasons (lack of self esteem, fear of being alone, societal pressure to be with a man, etc) I chose to dishonor myself, and I had to come to terms with that. It was all me…

There is freedom in accepting responsibility for your life. You feel like a grown up. I grieved this past week. I felt sorry for myself for being sorry all this time. I didn’t judge myself too badly, though. I just sympathized with me because truth be told, I hadn’t know any better. But in the midst of my crying, I decided to get off the bed anyway. I decided to get things done even if I did feel heartbroken. I wasn’t gonna try to push my feelings aside and be all stoic. I was gonna let myself feel whatever I was feeling and get things done anyway. And I did that. I woke up, got off the bed, and took action towards making my life better.

And I learned that you can make your life better even if you don’t feel good. Because things got better. Little things, but little things are still things. And it’s a good lesson to learn, especially for sensitive people. Your feelings don’t have to dictate your life. The wonderful thing about life is that it works from the inside out and the outside in. So when you start doing things to improve your life, in spite of your feelings, your feelings tend to follow suit and change.

Sometimes I truly understand what a gift it is to have this life. In moments like this, I can look into it all and see that anything is possible for my life. Really. It’s definitely not easy. It may take a long time and there may be some dying and humility and pain involved. At some point, though, if you really want to change, you are going to have to own up to your part in the creation of the life you now live. That way, you can see what you need to do differently now, and the answer isn’t, “don’t trust men”.  The answer is “find men who have shown themselves trustworthy before you trust them”. The answer isn’t “don’t love again”. The answer is “love and honor yourself” and those who live to take and give no love in return will find easier targets because a person who loves themselves demands love from the one they give their heart to, unless they choose not to demand love on purpose…

Yes, there are evil people in the world. Yes, everyone doesn’t start off with the same resources and knowledge. Yes, there are so many things that can and do go wrong, but what are you gonna do about it? Of course there are pimps and users and gold diggers and horribly selfish people on the Earth who will exploit anyone and anything the first chance they get and never say sorry for one bit of it, but what are going to do about them? If you are one of them, what are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about all of the good things in you that are screaming to be expressed? What are you gonna about that life that you once upon a time dreamed you could have? The dream never goes away. A dream deferred does everything that Langston Hughes’ poem said it does, so what are you gonna do about your dreams and your big, loving heart? It doesn’t stop wanting love just because you close it up. So what are you gonna do about it? Really? What are you gonna do?

Day 210

Own Up

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2 Comments
  1. interesting point of view that i would have to say most people are not willing to see…

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