Day 209 – Stability

Not crazy today. Eyes closed. Going in…

Not feeling crazy for the first time in a long time. Woman now. No longer girl. Coming back to the world as woman. Different. Head held higher. Different. Still me.

Love. Stability is important now. Like work again. Found work I like. Wow. So many adventures. Floating in the middle of the ocean. Been floating for some time. Drowning at first. I learned how to stay afloat. Survive. Sat there. In the ocean. Floating. Looking at different shores. Not sure where to swim. Fellow drifters came, bringing good news of life on shore and stories that made me crave the ocean more. And now, though the ocean keeps me afloat and I have found comfort in the crazy, the shore beckons me. Stability calls my name. “Come and plant seeds”, it says. Come and build a thing.

And I am looking at the shores now. They are everywhere. I am surrounded by them. Which one shall I choose? Where shall I be rooted, Lord? No longer interested in confusion… Dream Lover said we would build a life together, but we didn’t. Now I can no longer stay floating in the ocean waiting for him or anyone else to carry me home. The shore calls my name and I must answer. I am ready.

Where will I end up, Lord? Where will I plant things and watch them grow? Who will be my mate? Will I have children? I have learned how to make friends and build community anywhere, so I am no longer afraid of not having that, but where? Where shall I build my community and make friends? Will I be a writer one day?  -You told me Yes on that one, and I am thankful. But the rest? Stability is important to me now. I’d like to say I’ve been doing such and such work for such and such years or I’ve  been with a person for a long time or I’ve lived in a place for years and now my children live there.

I’ve travelled a lot, you know? I’ve been a lot of places internally and externally. I can always travel some more when I get bored, but for now, I am looking to find the place to come home to. I am going within. This is my adventure for the day, Lord. I am going within. To the place of all decision-making. I know that everything changes and asking for stability is an oxymoron if you live in the world. But I am in the ocean now. Born again. I am ready to swim to shore now. I have gathered my strength and cleaned and cleaned myself. I have lost my mind and found it renewed. I have recovered my smile and touched the deep well of Love in me. Now I am ready to build again, but I am not moved by anything that used to move me.

I am not trying to get anyone’s approval or prove anything anymore. I am not moved by the societal standards and the rules about what a woman in my country is supposed to do and be and have at this point in her life. Speak to me, Lord. Tell me which shore to swim to. Tell me where to plant my seeds. Tell me how to make good decisions. Tell me what to do with money. I know there are people suffering and I will help them, but what about me? What should I do for myself with money? I am new again and I need you for my Guide. I don’t know how I ever made it through life without You.

You are the Guide and I surrender. I look back at my life. Every time I have surrendered to You, You have taken me to greater heights than I could have imagined. I surrender now. Again. In the ocean. I forgot that You are in the ocean as well. With me. In me. I allow Your waves to carry me to the shore. But I must choose, You say. What kind of shore would I like to be at? And so I choose in this moment.

Truth be told, I have never experienced the kind of thing I am trying to create for my life. I couldn’t tell you where I want to live or what I want to do because I’ve never really lived in that kind of place before or done that kind of work before. The visions for my life are just fantasies in my mind for now. I’ve had pieces of it. When I visited Dream Lover, when I won my car, when I’m with my family and good friends and we are all on good terms, when I went overseas for the first time, when my yoga teacher was training me, when I’ve hung out with certain high-spirited individuals, when I interned in the writer’s room of that show and whenever I finish a creative project that I’m proud of… I’ve had moments of bliss and tastes of the kind of life that I dream of, but now I’d like to package those moments, Lord, and make them my real life.

I’d like to make those moments of bliss the norm instead of the exception. I don’t know how to do it because I’ve never done it before, but I know that it’s possible because You tell me if I can conceive a thing, then it is possible. And so I surrender. I trust now. There is no more fear. There is only hope. And we start with an intention. In this ocean where I float I now relax. I lay on the water. I trust You to carry me where I must be. To bring me to the shores where I will plant the new seeds of my life, whether they are here where I am or far away. I trust. And You ask, “What is this life I am trying to build?” Love. Community. Deep spiritual connection. Family. Joy. Expression and sharing of the gifts within me. Financial freedom. Healthy and clean environment. A mate. Children. Creating things to improve the world and joining with others who are already on that path. Scrumptious living for all involved.

-Stability is in you, You say, and I understand. When the storms in your mind are calm, when your emotions are clear, when your soul has come back home and there is more faith than fear, when you choose from this place, there is no more interference. There is only pure creation. I understand, I know, I accept, and I believe. And I surrender. Take me to the shore…

Day 209

Stability