This one is with my eyes closed…
I found my mojo y’all! It’s been MIA for about a month, but I found it. Don’t ask me how. I don’t take credit for Grace. I only acknowledge being available to receive it.
An encouraging phone call yesterday, from someone on my team. I was considering running to Texas with my one year old. It was a rough day. He had been crying all day. Teething. Rash. Bored. Wanting my attention…
I had competitors for my fundraising party. Someone was doing my exact same idea on a date earlier than me. I’m not gonna say they stole my idea, but oh the irony… I was sinking fast again. Doubting. Fearing. Wanting all struggle to end…
Nothing particularly has changed, except my mind today. I sat still. Just now. Just before writing. I sat still. I prayed and meditated until I could feel Truth. It’s as if there’s this whole other world in our minds and our Spirits. When you go there, or at least when I go there, all things seem possible. Life seems good. I am able to work with a smile.
But I have to keep checking in. I notice the difference when I go more than a few days without prayer or meditation. I get caught up in the outside world. I get swept along with other people’s objectives. I lose all sense of Self and want to run. I feel weak and powerless and confused.
This morning, I went to the well to drink of the Spirit stuffs. The Truth stuffs. The Real stuffs. Is our inside world a reflection of what happens on the outside or is our outside world a manifestation of what goes on in our hearts and minds? I don’t have all the answers, but I know that it makes a difference when you remember. I know that this morning I can go into my day not as a beggar hoping and praying that one day I will be saved, powerless and needy.
This morning, because I have checked in, because I have reminded myself that my life is a good life, I can put my back into my work. I can continue to plan my fundraising event in spite of my competitors knowing that if God puts something in Your Spirit, then He has already made a way for it to manifest. I can move with confidence and so much Love. I can be thankful for everything, and I am thankful for everything and nothing, Allah. This computer, which came as an unexpected gift. The internet that allows me to reach out and touch and share with so many people. A warm and comfy bed and food. My new little companion who follows me everywhere and offers so much Love and Joy and compels me to give and understand beyond my limits.
My clear mind.
The pain that I don’t even remember anymore.
A Loving Heart.
The feeling of Aliveness welling up in me again. Again and again we go to the well. We tap in to our inside Selves and bring out what is good. We tap in to excellence. We find the Truth. And we let go of all that no longer serves the evolution of our soul. We let go of all that no longer supports the experience of Divine Peace and Happiness. We let go of all that is no longer in alignment with the manifestation of our Destiny.
This morning, I go deep in. I come to You again. I relax knowing that my will is Your Will, and so all that I see in inspiration must come to pass. This is my day. I am strong. I am grateful. I am humble. I am Divinely guided. I am full of Joy and I express it. I am Love. I am brilliant and talented. I am all that I am. I am supported and I partake in the Abundance that is around me even now. I give my all. One day at a time. One step at a time. I give all that I am. And I get up again, in Faith… Ameen.
Day 223
The Inner World
I have been very busy for the past two weeks. I actually worked a 9 to 5 for a week and now I’m babysitting a one-year-old while his parents are out of town. And planning project help the world. And planning a fundraising party. And working on creative stuff.
The busyness can be overwhelming. Guys want to date me again. Open doors, closed doors. I had to take a moment to get in touch with my Spirit again today. I had to stop for a minute and rid myself of the fears that are creeping in, the sense of overwhelming panic that can take over when you don’t stop and breathe, the numbness that becomes you when you are in constant activity.
So I am here now. This is me. Back. Sure. I am not quitting. That’s it. All of the things I have started, I am seeing them through till the end. They will be finished. And I must say, this is the hardest thing for me. Finishing.But, by the Grace of God, I’m going to finish. And instead of being fearful all the time, I’m giving confidence a try.
Woman that you are, I am speaking Life into you again. Again. Again. Until you get it. We will keep doing this until it becomes your life. Until you walk in this way of Spirit. Woman. Trust again. Be born again. Love again. Give your all again. Woman. Care again. For yourself and others. Dream again and believe. Believe that Your dreams will come true. Live again.
I am speaking to you, myself, and any who will listen. Enough. The time to be strong is now. The time to know God is now. The time to open is now and the time to release is now. We open. We let go of all that hinders us. All these thoughts of fear. We welcome the empowering ones, the loving ones. We welcome Love and we give it back to the world.
We give it back. We allow ourselves to have everything we need. We open. We release the need for struggle. We realize that we have created these conditions in our life and we release the pattern in our consciousness that is responsible for these conditions. We welcome ease. We welcome support. We welcome the profound experience of reciprocity. We welcome a mighty mighty change in our lives.
What if we believed? What if we really believed in the possibility of the manifestation of our greatest thoughts? What if we were able to divorce fear for good, once and for all? What if we could actually forgive everything and really really start anew? What if we really believed in goodness?
This is my manifesto. My recommitment to You, God. This is my recommitment to Life. I’m not quitting. Things have been challenging for me for some time. I have been on the bottom and begging for life to start for some time. My heart has been a broken bag of bones for some time. And, yes, I have been trying. There was a lot of pain, you see. There was a lot of fear in me. There was a lot of resentment and sadness. Sometimes it takes a while to get rid of it all… I wasn’t even aware of all that I have been carrying for so long.
But I asked you take me to depths of things, Lord. I asked you to take me to the Truth and to teach me about life. I asked You to restore the joy in my spirit and the twinkle in my eyes. I asked you to teach me how not to cry every day and how to make it to the other side of happy. And You are teaching me. And I am grateful. I leave it to You to work my life out. I leave it to You to make all that is good come to pass. I leave it to You to have Your way with me and cleanse me of all the ugly that has burdened my heart and spirit for so long. I leave it to You to make the healing. To bring the Love. To put everything in its correct place. To restore everything to order.
I will do my part. I will be brave again. I will Love again. I will open wider than I have ever opened in my life. I will let go of everything that has ever bound me. I will activate my genius. I will smile on purpose when I feel like crying. And I will try with everything in me. I speak my will into the world.
I speak the Truth of my life into the world. A good life, God. A great life. I’m calling forth a great Life. Full of Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Full of peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. And abundance. Abundance as my experience. I’m calling forth cleanliness of Spirit. Divine Guidance. Divine Guidance. Divine Guidance. And Truth. Truth. Truth. Goodwill amongst people. Mutual goodwill. And Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace. I am allowing for the work that you have put me here to do to be done. I am allowing for my work to be complete. Full expression. In this lifetime. Reaching all whom it should reach. In this lifetime. In this lifetime. I recommit my Self to myself. Now. I put my back into it. I put my heart into it. I put my spirit back into my life. I will not quit. I will not quit. I will not quit…
Day 222
Dont Quit
So. Can we say breakdown? Crossroads? Reevaluation time?
I went to two job interviews yesterday. I thought I had at least one of them in the bag. The verdict is still out, but the interviewer didn’t say, “start tomorrow.”
My international community building project is getting legs. It’s moving. I was asked to be the CEO and now I have been asked if, when I go overseas in May, I would like to stay indefinitely to oversee the development of the project. I am here. I live my days struggling. I came here for a reason, to go to school. Then I stayed because I had access to all the people I needed to know and workshops and events and collaborations and writing ops out here in LA. But now I don’t know if being here is necessary. As a writer, you have to write. That’s it. You have to have a nice portfolio of work to present to people. If you don’t have that, it doesn’t matter who you meet. The proof of your merit is in the pudding. I’ve taken the classes. I’ve met the people. Now, my task at hand is really just to polish some stuff and submit it. I feel confident in my ability to do well on the projects I’m working on. I’m not a screenwriter Master yet, but I’m on my way.
But something happened yesterday when I got invited to stay overseas indefinitely. My heart broke. I thought about what would really happen when I go overseas. The mosquitos. The government corruption. The abject poverty. The culture that doesn’t really respect women. I got scared. Who did I think I was to try and change any of this? I mean, really, who do I think I am and what am I going to do? How dare I think I can uplift these people when I can’t even get a job? These were the thoughts that ran through my head. But it didn’t stop there.
I thought about Dream Lover. I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. He abandoned me. But I remembered how I felt when we were talking about our life plans and he said, “let’s go overseas and adopt a village and make the world a better place”. It seemed so romantic. It seemed like the perfect thing to do with my life. Everything seemed possible because he was strong and he knew how to get things done and I was happy with him.
And my heart broke. Because he wasn’t here. Because no one is here. And I don’t know what to do. I am not running from anything, but nothing is pulling me anywhere, either. I realized that what I want more than anything in the world is Love. A partner. Someone to build with. A partner to live out my dreams with… But no one is here.
One of my team members on project international save the world had an issue with the people that we are seeking help from. She said that she would rather seek help from people that are a part of her religious affiliation first than seek help from others… She called them “believers”. I am speechless. Out of touch. I don’t even understand the concept of believers and nonbelievers, saved and unsaved. I don’t understand the rules. I really don’t understand how we live on this Earth with more than enough resources for everyone and there is such abject poverty everywhere. I don’t understand why men and women try to exploit and betray and use and suppress each other instead of just letting each other be? Where did we come up with this way of being? Where is Dream Lover? We had work to do together. Where is he, God?
I don’t Love anyone, God. My heart isn’t in anything. I’m just going through the motions. Survival. Writing. I want to do those things, but nothing makes sense when your heart isn’t in it…
Yes, this is an official breakdown. It will pass. It is passing as I write, but there is still action to be taken. What should I do, God? You say go overseas. He is not with me. What will become of my life? You say take it day by day. Find something to love…
Am I on the right path? You say Yes. I am tired. You know. My heart is hurting. You know. Will it pass? You Say it has passed already…
I don’t have any fight left in me, God. All defense mechanisms are shot. I am ready and willing to be Guided into Truth and Freedom. I have heard that You are more than any given thought. You are more than any situation. You are more than our feelings, and that anything, anything is possible once We are in tune with You. In this moment, I choose You again. And again again. I choose You, The Omnipresent. I choose Life in this moment. Even without Dream Lover. I choose Love in this moment. I choose it even if I don’t see it. Even if I’m not experiencing it in my immediate life, I choose to allow myself to know that it is still in the world. It is in me. I hand over my life to you, oh Creator of All Creation. I will go where you lead me. Lead me, please. Lead me to the life I see in my dreams. Take me to the other side. I will follow…
Day 221
When Your Heart Isn’t In It. Choose Again.
Hi There!
I’m home alone and not super busy. I’ve been super busy every day for a couple of weeks now. Working. Looking for work. Working on creative projects. Planning international trip and fundraising efforts. Cleaning. Spending time with family and friends.
I’ve actually been super busy. Super busy is good, but I like quiet moments like this, too, when there’s nothing but me sitting in the dark with a candle and I can check in with Myself. I can see what all the busyness is about and make real choices. I Love moments like this. I’ll be busy in about an hour, so this one won’t be a long one.
I’m good today, God. I’ve been good for a while. By good I mean… Well, you know what I mean. My mind has been at peace. I’m not at war with anyone. I have energy to do the work I like to do and I have had support from the best of supporters, my good friends and family.
Old demons come my way from time to time in the form of doubts, ex’s and new men who don’t want anything except to take and manipulate, sometimes a bill is due and gas is running low and I worry and think about running back to my momma where everything is safe, but those moments don’t last so long anymore. I am beginning to know that I am safe no matter what…
The other day my tire went flat. There was a nail in it and I know that tires can simply be patched if you have a nail where the nail in my tire was. The Triple A guy came and tried to convince me that I needed to get a whole brand new tire. I felt alone, and I felt sorry for myself that I was a woman alone in a big city, because men often think that a woman alone is like a sheep to be devoured. In the past, I would have tried to act like a man and argue and outsmart the Triple A guy, but this time, I just decided to be a woman alone, because that’s what I am. I’m not alone alone, but you get it. I didn’t have my dad or my brother or my husband or boyfriend to call when my tire went flat. I had to handle the situation on my own, as a woman. So I made a choice. I decided that I was going to handle the situation just as I am. A woman. A sweet, kind woman who knows what’s up with her tire… So, I wasn’t mean. I didn’t argue or get an attitude. I stayed sweet and I simply told him that I didn’t want to get a new tire. I wanted to get my tire patched. And that’s what we did. I was proud that I could do stuff on my own, as a grown up…
I had meant for this blog to be about words and images. They’ve been on my mind for some time.I’m learning a lot these days. I’ve been doing “spiritual counseling” sessions with my therapist friend for the past few weeks. I can’t even explain to you how it works, nor do I even know if it does work, because the evidence of it working would be the complete transformation of my life, and that hasn’t happened on the outside yet, but something is working, because the situations that would have made me go into a depressed coma some time ago are not affecting me in the same way anymore. I am able to keep moving in spite of whatever emotions or circumstances I encounter and I don’t even feel like I’m faking it…
I want to tell you something I learned. In our sessions, we usually start by me getting into a meditative state. Then my friend will say, “I’m going to drop a word into your mind.” He will say a word like “money” or “love” or “ease” or “success” or “guidance” and then I will tell him the image that pops up in my head. Then he guides me through a process where I release all ties I have with this image until I come to a place where I am able to give and receive Love to this image. I don’t know what any of it means, but I do know that during the process, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel completely euphoric and one time I even threw up.
So one day I asked him, “What is going on with this? How is it that I’m experiencing all of these emotions and feelings, when all we’re dealing with is words and images?” And he asked me what the mind is made up of. I said muscle and tissue and he said, muscle and tissue is the brain, but what is the mind made of? And that was it! Words and images. Our entire mind is made up of words and images, memories and perceptions. We walk through the Earth with so much baggage, but everything we experience, every sensation, is in our minds. A body alone is nothing. You can slap a corpse in the face, kick it, talk about it, not give it any food, and nothing will happen. It is the words and images in our mind that make up our experience. This was a brand new realization for me, because it meant that if I could change the words and images, or if I could change the way I felt about certain words and images, I could in essence change my life. And that’s what I’ve been doing.
I have been cleaning up all of the words and all of the images in my brain that destroy. All of the perceptions that limit. All of the ugliness and hurt that takes away my smile. I have been forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving until I get tired of forgiving. And then I have been forgiving some more. I want my mind to be like a garden, not like a twisted maze full of resentments and plots and dark places and fears. No. How can I create anything good if I’m starting off with dry soil and ragged places? A cleansing has to take place. A detox. A removing and repairing of the words and images that have defined who we are for so long and dictated the creation of lives we are not satisfied with. And we will never be satisfied until our lives reflect the Truth of who we are.
I don’t even understand what this means all the way, but I know it’s true. I know it’s true because I am experiencing such a radical shift in awareness even as I type these words. It’s not that my situation has changed, but my mind! My mind is clean and clear (or at least on it’s way). My heart is big and open. I respect myself and so I do damage mitigation in advance and don’t allow destructive forces into my space. And if they manage to get in during one of my weak moments, I kindly ask them to leave.
I could go on and on. My friend was right. I am forgetting all of the sad things I used to feel. I go certain places I used to go and talk to certain people that I used to talk to, and I can’t believe that was me, so caught up on fighting, so caught up on sadness, so caught up on everything yet nothing, so stuck in my head, as if the entire world were only made up of my experience. The entire Universe is made up of so much more than I have ever thought of or seen. I have experienced so much Love already, God. I have experienced such true friendships. I have shared from the depth of my being with people, and I never knew it could be me. I never imagined that this kind of life, this kind of way, existed. I didn’t have the words or the pictures, but you placed them in my spirit and then I saw them in my mind and now they are becoming my life and I am so grateful for every single day. Every single day. I don’t care if I’m crying or whatever or if I do something “stupid” or take a long time to get other things done. I am still here and You are working magic on me and I surrender to all that must be done.
And boy, boy, boy, when the work is done… It was worth a broken heart. It was worth being poor. It was worth being rejected and abandoned and betrayed and whatever else. How else could I understand? How else could I feel compassion for the people that I am about to be serving? I might have looked down on them had I not experienced some of the things they experienced. I might have been in a worse condition than them had I been through what they had been through Everything I have ever experienced was worth it for this moment of understanding right now.
The truth of your life is more than the current emotion that you feel. The truth of your Life is more than the flesh. There is freedom in this place. I can smell it. There is a Divine alignment that is for us. It is! You won’t believe me until I am rich and famous and I have my handsome man and kids and I’m running a big organization that heals the world, but I’m telling you now because I know it now. I don’t care what has happened. As long as we are breathing, there is no place where hope can not find you. There is no good that is too good for us. We are worth it. Our lives our worth it. If only we would let them be…
Day 220
Words and Images (Mind Stuffs)
Good morning,
I’ve been busy all week. Some of my fam drove into town right after I wrote the last blog entry and they stayed for a week. Then they convinced me to drive back to Texas with them, which is where I am right now. I’ll be flying back to LA today…
I Love my family. Didn’t realize how cool and loving they are. I come from a pretty fantastic group of souls. And it just so happened that a lot of the people I grew up with were in town for Spring Break, so we ended up having an impromptu family reunion of sorts.. I have never cried at the thought of going back to Cali, but I’m crying this morning. I’m gonna miss them. They are the people that know everything about me, all my flaws… They are the ones that I have fought with, loved, played with, spent numerous nights talking all night long, went on adventures with, despised, competed with and grown up with. It was so good to see them again…
And now back to our regularly scheduled program. But not. I’m making plans for my heal the world trip. It’s actually gonna happen. Some team members have already bought their tickets. They believe in me. They believe that I can actually lead this seemingly impossible mission, they believe that I can give hope to the hopeless. It’s time for me to start believing in myself.
It’s challenging. I’ve been broken for a long time. Long enough that I have become used to it. I feel myself coming alive again, and something in me says, “It’s real this time. This time it will last. This time, this life in you is not from the outside. It is the real you coming out at last.” And I believe it. Because there is nothing on the outside of me that would be giving me life at this time. There is no man, no fancy job, none of that stuff that I used to think I needed to feel alive and worthwhile. In fact, I do not see what there is to hope for. I don’t even have my overseas ticket yet. But how I am hopeful?
I am so hopeful this morning, on the dawn of departing from my clan again, knowing that I am going to a place where I won’t wake up to the sounds of loved ones doing what they do in the morning. Knowing that I won’t be hugging my curious nephew and mischievous niece for a while. How am I so hopeful? God, where did this come from? I need to know, because this is what I’m going to endeavor to do with my life: give hope to the hopeless.
I know what it means to be hopeless. I know what it feels like to have absolutely nothing. Even below nothing. I felt it the other day when my car got towed right as I was about to pay rent. Alone. Nothing. Despair. Where and how will anything change? How? And I don’t know still. But how am I hopeful now? I don’t get it. What happened? What is the trick? What do I know that is keeping my insides smiling even as I venture off alone again? Is it the love of my family that sustains me? No. That’s a part of me, a comfort, but that’s not it…
What is it? Give me the words, so I can share please. This is the thing that I am going to have to give to all those people overseas. They do not know what it feels like to have enough. They do not understand hope. What shall I tell them? Get up? Say a prayer? Read a book? Get a job? Find a way to America? Marry someone? What is the truth? Because none of those things are giving me hope right now. The getting up is mandatory, but the hope precedes the getting up..
And this is why I believe in God. Because what else is there but a Higher Power? What else is there in moments like this, when your mind tells you that everything is against you, when you feel like you can’t go on, when nothing seems to be working out, and you get up with a smile anyway? Where does that kind of happy come from besides the inexplicable?
I am convinced that there is so much more to life than meets the eye. I am convinced that my life is a good life, even now. I am convinced that just as sure as I am alive, the possibility for good things exists in every moment, even when we can’t see them. And oh, when we are ready to see them! I am convinced that God willing, I will live to see all the good that is brewing in my soul. I am convinced. I am committed. And I am hopeful. Thank you, God. Ameen.
Day 219
Hope For The Hopeless
A lot happened today. My car got towed. I went to a dance audition. I made an actual female friend. I let myself be slightly vulnerable to someone new…
Yeah, I cried when I walked out on the street and my car was gone, but so? And? The day is not over and I still have to do my creative writing and prep for some house guests who will be visiting. I’m sorting out my thoughts before I start part two of the day.
After hearing about my car getting towed, some of my family suggested that I pack it up and come back home. Things just don’t seem to be working out for me here, they said. And yes, they are right. It has been a while since I’ve had a bunch of money like I used to have. It’s been a while since I’ve bought new shoes and fancy clothes and pretty furniture. It’s been a while, and it would appear as if it’s about that time to call it quits…
But somehow, I don’t feel like calling it quits or running anywhere. There was a time when I couldn’t force myself to get off the bed or take any action towards the realization of my dreams, but today I felt invigorated, and despite all appearances, for the first time in a long time, things feel like they are looking up. I know. Crazy, right? My car gets towed and I say things are looking up. But I know they are…
I’m closing my eyes so I can see better… How do we know? How do we know when to keep going and when to throw in the towel? How do we know when to pack our bags and say, this just isn’t working. Enough is enough. How do we know where to go for guidance? How do we distinguish the voice of God from the voice of the devil or how to we even decide whether or not we believe in God or the devil?
Everything boils down to one thing: choice. My car got towed today and my money is funny. But in this apartment, with the white walls and big windows, I have come of age. Here in the city of angels I have learned about angels and so much more. And I’m not finished yet. I’m just getting started. I’m not afraid of failure anymore. Hallelujah! Let me say that again. I am not afraid of failure. There is no such thing as failure if you finish the race and give yourself a chance. You would have succeeded in doing your best. The rest isn’t up to you.
Somehow I think that in the midst of doing our best, life takes on a different color. We are well pleased with ourselves because we tried. We tried. We didn’t just give up on our dreams because of a towed car or a broken heart! Come on. Really? Because of one incident, or heck, one year, we make these choices to live a mediocre life that never fills us up.
I refuse. I refuse. I refuse to quit. Let’s make that an affirmation. I choose to finish. I choose to finish what I started. For once in my life. Come what may. I’m not afraid anymore. I choose to give even more because I can. That’s just it. I can. I choose to be talented and strong and powerful because I am. We all are. I choose it even in this moment of doubt, God, because I know that all moments are about choices.
You gave me a Vision. You gifted me with a Vision for my life. You put words in my heart and understanding in my Spirit. You have showed me so much Love and so much Grace and blessed me with people. Good people… I am so grateful. I will not dishonor You by throwing in the towel. I will not shoot myself in the foot by closing my heart. I will not pretend that I know it all, but I will stand up for what I know I know.
And, like Eminem said, I know one thing for sure. Success is my only option. By success, I don’t mean fancy houses and a publishing deal. I mean finishing what I started. I mean giving myself a chance to have my heart’s deepest desires.
When you look at it from the outside, it’s kind of funny. We pretend to give up on so many things. Love. Our passions. Knowledge of Self. Success. We act like we are done going on whatever path, but deep down, we never stop. The artists don’t stop drawing pretty pictures. The writers don’t stop writing, if even in their secret journals. The passionate Lovers don’t stop Loving, even if they are having affairs. And the Believers don’t stop Believing. So why don’t we just keep going? Why do we quit on ourselves when we’re not really done? We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, it becomes hard to know what is true and who we are…Life is gonna have it’s hard times anyway. It’s much easier to struggle when the struggle is for something you believe in…
When I look back at all the moments, years of emotional agony, years of not loving myself, years of not being happy, years of trying to live up to someone else’s standard for my life, years of being closed in and afraid to be myself, years of confusion, I am grateful beyond words for this day. Today my car got towed and I didn’t go into a depressive coma over it. I didn’t throw in the towel and run to my momma. I didn’t ask some dude I don’t like to hold me. I went to a dance audition and made a new friend instead. In this moment, I am choosing to give myself a full-fledged chance at living my dreams and because of that choice, I can do nothing but finish and open and grow and let go and let You, God, have Your way with me.
Sometimes we are actually done with a thing. A relationship, a path, a place… But we know when we’re done and it has nothing to with anything anyone says. We know when it’s time to throw in the towel and we know when our soul is calling on us to finish. We can stop being wishy washy. We know what to do. We were not created without the ability to make good decisions. We know when to stop. But until then, I say keep going…
Day 218
Call It Quits When You’re Done
Good morning Love…
Love on the mind. I’m actually thankful for being alive today. Reveling in this moment. Closing my eyes…
I thought I was alone, but you have sent me angels for friends. Angels in the form of people. Patient and kind beings who stick with me. They don’t throw me away when they’re upset or say I’m too anything. They don’t bring me down or ask me to play low. The lift up, up, up. They bring light. They are themselves and they accept me as my ever changing self. I am thankful for the angels today.
Yesterday was challenging. I woke up in a tired funk. I wasn’t motivated to write or do any of my assignments. I tried, but nothing was working. So I called my therapist friend. He has been working with me every single day and helping me to complete things. And I have been completing things. I called him. We talked and did a session. And then I completed my assignments for the day…
And I’m up early today feeling able and grateful. Thank You Lord…
This one is a short one today. Things are changing already, but I won’t talk about them yet. I am changing. I am finally learning about the importance of keeping our promises to ourselves. But more than that, I am learning about what it means to not be a victim. This is a big one.
The other day, an associate of mine asked to come and stay with me. This person has stayed with me on a few occasions before. Every time he comes, it’s a bad experience for me. The last time I hung out with him, I made sure to add “Don’t Hang Out With” to his name in my phone book. But then he asked to stay with me. In the past, he never paid me any money, but this time he said he could pay some money… He doesn’t have to stay with me. He’s got family. But his family’s house is crowded and uncomfortable for him. So, he wanted to stay with me. Like a kind-hearted fool, I considered it. Even though the name on my phone explicitly said “Don’t Hang Out With”, I considered letting him stay with me…
Luckily for me, we had a conversation before his move in date wherein he told me all of his demands and offered me 60 percent of the money I had asked for. And something in me woke up. Why the %$&* would I let this guy come stay with me? I don’t like him. I don’t like being around him. He brings me down and tries to use me every single time. He tries to get the most while giving the least and sometimes I feel physically sick while in his presence. He gets jealous when I doing something good…
And what Louise Hay said in her book You Can Heal Your Life made sense at last. In her book, she says that almost every problem we have comes from an issue of loving the self. She has an exercise that goes, “I Love myself, therefore…”. When you are thinking of actions to take, you’re supposed to finish the sentence. So it goes “I Love myself, therefore…” I Love myself, therefore I surround myself with nourishing people, not people who deplete my energy and make me feel bad. I Love myself, therefore I give love when I choose to. I Love myself, therefore I accept love and help and support. I Love myself, therefore I make my home into a place that I feel good coming home to. I Love myself, therefore I finish my projects and give myself an opportunity to succeed. I Love myself therefore I Love and give to others, because that makes me come alive. I Love myself, therefore I honor my body and share with ones who would bless me. I Love myself, therefore I honor my time and spend it lovingly and usefully. I Love myself, therefore I don’t let people pimp me and use me. I Love myself, therefore I demand friendship from the ones I call friends. I Love myself, therefore I am careful with my heart and only trust the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy. I Love myself. I Love myself. I Love myself…
I have thought this thought a thousand times, but never felt qualified to write it out loud. I Love myself. Today I am finally starting to Love myself. All of me. Just as I am. I’m not just saying it. I actually feel it and believe it. There is nothing to prove anymore. I am getting strong again, but this time I like this kind of strong, because it includes all the other parts of me, my niceness and my kindness and my vulnerability. I like strong. Strong is necessary too. I am becoming a well-rounded person. I am becoming my true self and I’m proud of me. I Love myself therefore I acknowledge my own progress. I Love myself, God. God, I Love myself…
Ameen.
Day 217
I Love Myself, Therefore
Good morning. It’s 6:20. I can’t write long because I’m supposed to be out of the house by 7, but I at least wanted to check in before I start my day.
A lot to write about. I woke up at 3 this morning. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. Talked to a friend on phone, did some light yoga, meditated, sent an email, checked email and Facebook. Privacy on my mind. Excitement on my mind. Most of my personal contacts don’t read this blog. It’s easier. Some of my family wouldn’t agree with me exposing myself like this. Colleagues might think I’m plumb nuts and not want to work with me. Religious groups that I’m affiliated with might find that my true thoughts are not in exact alignment with doctrine…
Sooner or later, I’m going to “come out” though. It’s a necessary part. Don’t ask me why it’s necessary, but it seems necessary. Most of the people I know are crazier than me anyway. They know it. They think worse thoughts, have deeper pains and probably do all kinds of things. But our society is built upon pretending that we are all always all right. I think things would be much easier if we just told the truth about the things that really happen, so that we could consciously work towards truly being all right and supporting each other so that sooner or later we will all actually be all right, deep down on the insides. And if anyone ever read our deepest thoughts or our secrets blogs or stepped into our homes or our private lives, they would see that who we present ourselves to be is who we actually are. What a way to live.
Maybe I’ll put my blog address back on Facebook today… Maybe.
Good morning. Today is such a fabulous day. Nothing has happened yet, except that I woke up early and I’m blogging early and I’m feeling excited about it all. Yesterday I got some help revamping my resume and I’ve come up with a new action plan. It’s called Plan Action. Haha. The thing about Plan Action is that you actually have to do stuff or else it doesn’t work. You can’t just write about it. And I am excited because part of my Plan Action included waking up early, praying and meditating, and writing in my blog before seven. I’d like to keep this up. Every single day. I know it might be a challenge. I know that I might not always have uplifting and inspirational things to say and tomorrow I may be complaining about how horrible life is.
But today I am re-commiting. I will keep doing it over and over again until I get it right. I am re-commiting to progress. Every single day. Every single day. Not in a hard kind of way, although it may be challenging at times. But not in a “I’m gonna get down on myself ‘cus I should have done this a long time ago” kind of way. I don’t care. I’m doing it now. Every life starts in the present moment if we let it.
I’m starting over God, because you can’t tell me that with all my skills and all my education and all my experience it is impossible for me to provide for myself. You can’t tell me that there is no hope for Love for me, with all the Love I have to offer. You can’t tell me, that for all of the people that have been inspired by something I’ve written over the years, my words aren’t worth anything. You can’t tell me that I don’t know how to help people see the best in themselves. I no longer accept any of these lies that I have been carrying around for so long. I deny all of them and I accept the Real Truth of my Being!
My Life is a Good Life. My Life is a Good Life and I am somebody. I am somebody. Even today. I mean that, and not in the corny kind of way. Our lives are of value. Just because. Just because we exist. Everything is forgivable. Everything. Everything is redeemable. Every day can be brand new. And so, as I am re-commiting to living out the fullness of my destiny on Earth, I must take action. Daily. I must work and work and work and work and work and work and get up. We can get up, even if we feel tired. I must get up and do the things that create progress. I must finish what I’ve started.
I’m ready, God. I am so ready today! We have only just begun…
Day 216
Plan Action
Hi There.
I spent my first night at home last night. The first night in a couple of months… This is home now. This apartment is my home.
The sun came through the windows and lit up the whole apartment around sunrise. I can breathe easy here. What a difference a cat or mold or sunlight or dust or wood floors or carpet or the presence of someone else can make…
I went on a first date yesterday. I don’t like him. I mean, he’s likeable, but I’m not moved by him in any direction… I only watch one TV show one time a week and the other day, a new episode didn’t come on. They said they would have any new episodes until the end of month, and I’m like “Where am I supposed to go to get my weekly dose of drama???”
Things are kind of boring over here. For the past two weeks, I’ve just been working and working and working a lot, and that’s progress, but I don’t feel excited about it. I think a lot of times we create drama and chaos in our lives because we just want to feel something. I’m over the whole drama thing, but I would like to feel alive, God.
I’ve felt that way before. I have felt alive and excited and been inspired by the presence of others before. Can I have some of that again, please? Some electricity? Some excitement? Something to feel passionate about?
What do you do when you’re “in the meantime” of your life, God? I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not crying every day, at least not sad cries. I don’t do dysfunctional relationships anymore and I’m aware of the difference between givers and takers. I Love on purpose these days and I even allow myself to be vulnerable on purpose. And I’m not even interested in being “sorry” anymore. I recognize the possibility of a good life and I even believe that my life is changing even as I type…
But I’m still not there yet. I am “in the meantime” looking on the other side at all that could be. I am walking, but still, I am not there yet. I miss the excitement of really Loving someone. I miss certain people in my life. I miss…. Ha ha! I just got a text from one of the people I miss…
And just like that, my tone is changed. That’s what I’m talking about! We feed each other, with our presence, our words, our thoughts, our actions. In the meantime, find nourishment. That’s it. In the meantime, find nourishment. Eat an apple or a mango or an avocado. Drink some water. Go to a park. Give Love to something that doesn’t hurt you. Do not resort to negative drama, random busyness, pity parties or purposeless martyrdom to feel alive. Loveless, uninspired interactions with others only drain and serve to establish a vibration of sadness.
Find nourishment. Give nourishment to someone on purpose. Create a space of aliveness in your own environment. Do not wait to sink before you start to swim. Do not wait for a hero or some thing to happen.
I know, it’s crazy to get excited if you don’t see anything in your life to get excited about. But if you keep looking, if you look really really hard, you will find at least one thing somewhere that might ignite a feeling of gratitude and aliveness. A simple text from someone you adore, a book, your own self and everything we have been and everything we are and everything we are becoming. We’ve got a find a way to stay alive, not just drifting and hurting and barely breathing, but to staying alive even when our lives don’t look like we imagined. I know that where there is a willingness, there is a way, and I thank You, God, for this deep knowingness, this deep faith that You are growing in me that gets me through any day…
I am grateful, God, for this one moment of excitement, just as I was beginning to doubt. I am grateful for my life… Ameen.
Day 215
In The Meantime (Find Nourishment. Stay Alive)
Hi there. Every time I don’t write for a while, I miss it. Maybe I’m becoming a real writer…
I’m moving back to my apartment tomorrow. Mixed feelings. Glad to be gone, but not excited about paying rent again. The real need for money “as a necessary tool” (as some girl at work told me) is settling in…
I’ve been super busy this past week, sun up to sun down style. Working, going to interviews and job seminars, applying for jobs, rewriting a project, planning for this summer heal the world trip, and doing therapy every single day. Exhausted is not the word. The word is… busy. Yesterday I had to take an intentional moment to sit down, pray really deep, and meditate. I needed it.
Today is another busy day. Its 6:30am and I’ll be getting dressed shortly. I need to write, though. It helps me clear things up and be reminded of what’s important. It’s really easy to get caught up being “busy” especially in this town, and there is a difference between being busy and being productive. There is a difference food that nourishes and food that just keeps you alive. There is a difference between surviving and thriving.
As a somewhat artistic type, it’s often hard to separate your passion from the necessity to pay rent. We want to spend our time focusing on our “art”. The thing is, rent has to be paid. But if you spend all your time just working and never making moves on your creative stuff, years will pass and you will find yourself in the same place you have been forever. I think the trick is to spend time each day focusing on both survival needs and actions that we need to take to thrive. That’s my new thing…
I will be glad to have my room with the desk and the view of the pretty trees again. It has been a while since I have chosen to thrive. I am choosing to thrive here, and I’m releasing all blocks, all obstacles, all things that would hinder me from thriving. You see, survival has been my main focus for some months now, and I have been doing just that: barely surviving. Barely surviving is the perfect way to neutralize any vibrant energy you have and turn you into a machine. It’s a necessary step, though, when you are coming back to life.
I’m going back home, God. I’d like to take a moment and talk with You about thriving. I believe in You. I trust You. Guide me, please. I am not afraid of anything that may come. Guide me to the place where, in the midst of all this, I may thrive once and for all. I am interested in real Abundance. Even today. I am interested in expressing Real Love and receiving Real Love. Even today. Make of me what You will. Bring me back to my Original Self. I am willing to experience Pure Joy again. Now. Today. I am choosing Ease as a way of Life. Even today. I open my arms to receive help and I allow myself to be a helper.
I give from the Best part of me and I receive from the Best part of me: that part of me that knows Truth. That part of me that experiences Truth. I choose Truth today. Today I am choosing. I am going on an intentional adventure. I am choosing to know how to “do life”. My will is all I have in this thing, and so I use it today, for the purpose of thriving. Today I am going on a truly intentional adventure. No matter what may happen when I walk out that door, no matter what thoughts my pass through my head or what emotions I may feel, no matter how things may go or not go, I choose to thrive today. In spite of appearances. I choose to be pulsing with vibrant creative energy, even if no one notices.
I am recreating my identity. From the walking dead to the alive. I can do that. I don’t have to wait for a million dollars to smile at someone. I don’t need anyone’s permission to finish writing my project or to say thank you for something and appreciate even the fresh ripe tomato that I have in my fridge. I give thanks for this day and for my time in this apartment. I open to receive whatever pure Light blessings were given here and I allow the blessing of my presence to remain after my departure.
Life is a gift. It can be that way, even in the midst of pain and confusion. Even with no money or no man, Love and abundance are still possibilities. I release the need to understand everything before I experience it. I give my True life permission to be my life. Thriving. Progress. Abundance. All of My Needs Met. Expression of Joy. Love. Beauty. Limitless Opportunity. Harmony. Spiritual Power. I welcome You as my new companions. I send this prayer out to you, My Lord, and I allow You to take care of me. I allow You to take care of all of this. Thank you for this Life we Live…
And so It Is.
Day 214
On Thriving and Surviving
hownottocryeveryday 