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Day 211 – Option Win

February 10, 2013

Good morning.

The cat woke me up this morning. At 3am and then at 6am. Yes, the cat. She is still here. The owners said I should give her away, but then when I found her a new home, the owners changed their mind. I’ve been sleeping out of the apartment for the past four days because I just couldn’t deal, but I slept here last night. And the cat woke me up. And my stomach hurts…

And I didn’t get the dream job that I was so sure I was gonna get. That job would have my ticket back into normalcy again, but I didn’t get it.

And so here I am.

Last night I almost quit and resigned myself to just living a miserable life. I came home to the cat and she licked my feet and left her problematic fur all over me and I just let her smother me. I didn’t spray her with water or yell at her. I reached out to my mom and we talked on the phone and she said a lot of things I didn’t agree with and I just let her. I didn’t feel like fighting any more…

I already threw a pity party for myself last night, and so I won’t bore you with another one. I’ve been sitting around thinking about my options this morning. Everything looks so bleak. And God, You are telling me that this is where the good stuff happens… My mom just called me. She doesn’t mean any harm, God bless her. She just has no idea about the things she says and does that are harmful. She doesn’t see it…

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Spread these broken wings and learn to fly. All my life, I’ve been waiting for this moment to arrive.”

Can we be grown ups now and fix things, instead of running from everything we don’t like to look at and pouting and crying and fighting and destroying things when we are upset? Can we be clean inside again? Can we be peaceful in the midst of chaos? Laydie, can We be light? We’ve been talking about this stuff for a while now. Can we live it, God? We know we can. That is who We are. There is no more time to sit around trying to fight the darkness. The darkness has it’s place and trying to destroy it is not your job. Your job is to be the light. The darkness reminds you of this, and makes it necessary for you to shine brighter.

Option win. That’s my only option. I’m done. Really. I’m so done losing. I’m so done being knocked down for long periods of time. I’m just done. This is how you get over disappointment. This is how you cope with the darkness all around. You can’t make anyone do anything for you (pick you, love you, be there for you, value you, help you), but you can do something for yourself. You can bring it. Bring your holy, blessed light in the midst of the dark days. You can keep shining.

t’s easier said than done, but it’s possible. It’s a practice and it becomes a life. You get yourself up and flex your creative muscles. You apply for more jobs. You forgive some more people and say sorry to someone else. You tell the truth and honor yourself for once. You tell the truth. You tell the truth to yourself. You can’t get past that one. You finish your projects and submit them. You clean up your house for real. All of it. You get yourself up and choose to win.

You get up and choose to win. Again and again and again. Really, what else are you gonna choose? Option loose? I’d like to finish this blog, but I can’t finish it until I win. I’d like to show you that all of this writing was worth something. I’d like to truly make it to the other side of happy and build a house there and live in it for a long time. I’d like to have people over and share happiness with them, and I’m not quitting. Sorry devil. Not this time. This time I am choosing to tap into my strength. All of it. I am choosing to use my power. All of it. I am choosing faith and I am choosing to know that there is a way even when I don’t see a way… I am choosing to let go of my stubborn, controlling mind and allow the Grace that created the Universe to have It’s way with me. Even now. Even today. I choose to win.

There is a way, and I open my arms God. I get my butt up and do the work. I bow down and humble myself. I walk the path. I choose to walk the path that leads to everlasting Peace, Abundance, Joy, Fulfillment, Divine Connectivity and Right Action. I choose it! And I don’t care what my life might look like, I choose to give thanks for my existence, for this opportunity, for another day, for the sun and all the angels, for everything, everything even now. I give thanks for it all, even now….

In the midst of everything that would fall apart and everything that would fall together… In the name of the Creator, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. In the name of my Life… My Life, this gift of endless possibility. In the name of my Life and in honor or everyone who ever believed in me or did anything good for me, I choose the only option I have…

Day 211

Option Win

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