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Day 213 – When You Don’t Get What You Want

February 20, 2013

Good morning.

Going to another interview today, but have to clear my mind before I head out. I didn’t get what I wanted. Again.

I went to a fantastic audition yesterday. Miracle kind of stuff. A TV show was looking for people who spoke the language they speak in my parents’ country to do some voice over work. Not a lot of people in LA speak the language they speak in my parents’ country. So, a friend told me about this opportunity and I submitted my info, and I got called for an audition. And it was fantastic. It was on a studio lot and the woman interviewing us was really professional and everyone in the room had such high energy. It was a group audition, four women and two men, and I gave it my all. But alas, one of the other women was better than me. I admit. She spoke the language better than me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was still good. I still could have done the job, but she was better. Needless to say I didn’t get the job. It paid more money for one day of work than I usually make in a whole month…

I went to my spiritual center on Sunday and saw Will with his big magic hands. I had come late and when you come late the ushers seat you. So I saw Will and, even though the center was packed, no one was sitting by him, as usual. The usher was looking for a seat for me, and I pointed out the empty seat that was by Will, and then the usher said, “No, that seat is reserved”. I looked over at the seat next to Will and can you believe that Will had had the audacity to put a “reserved seat” sign next to him? No one sat in that seat the whole time. It took everything in me to resist the urge to go and sit by him and ask if that seat was reserved for me. When the service was over, I left, and when I passed by Will, he reached out and greeted me, but still…. Why he ain’t want me to sit by him? Why has it been four months and he hasn’t even asked me for any of my contact info?  Why are all of the men I ever loved, I mean all of them, still running around the Earth silly and single, writing me apology letters and playing video games and dating random women that they’ll never marry instead of building a life with me? Why, for the life of me, can’t I get a stable, full-time, health-insurance, vacation-giving job?

I’m starting to feel a bit like a loser, and Lord, I need to know, why don’t I have what I want? I know we’ve been through this before, and I know that asking why is like asking why the sky is blue, but this is the point where some folks would go to a medicine man or something and see if someone put a spell on them. Or this is the point where I’m thinking maybe I should consider my mom’s advice and pray another way. I’m starting to lose the faith.

So, I’m here today before I leave the house. Before I start my day, I need to get my mind right. Please speak to me. What do  I do when I don’t get what I want, over and over and over again? Do I change my wants? Do I do like the song and just focus on getting what I need? Do I keep trying? Do I try another method? I know that in this moment there is an opportunity for growth. I am strong. Grow me. Show me the Truth please.

I am starting to believe that life is all about choices. We can ask why forever, but at the end of the day, everything is about choices. Why is it that the men I like don’t seem to be interested in me? I don’t know. Maybe I’m ugly. Maybe not. Maybe I’m not rich or “together” enough. I don’t know… Why can’t I get a job that I want? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Maybe someone put a spell on me. Why have things been so hard for so long? I don’t know the answer to any of this. People will say, Go back home to my old job or get with such and such guy or try another career or lose some weight or gain some weight or dress differently or don’t talk so much or talk some more or don’t act so smart or be smarter. They will say go to church or the mosque or the temple or let a medicine man cleanse your aura or don’t go anywhere at all except within your own being. Everyone has an answer, but there are as many answers as there are problems…

So back to choices. Back to this intentional adventure. What to do when you don’t get what you want, over and over again? Is it an indication to change something or is it an indication to keep doing what you’re doing and try harder?

Good decisions come from first setting an intention and deciding what’s important. At some point, I have to decide whether I believe that God is on my side or not… Have you seen Life of Pi? A phenomenal movie. Maybe God is on my side. Maybe He isn’t. Maybe there is no such thing as God. Maybe there are a million Gods or God was born to a virgin in a manger or there is only One, but at some point we have to choose. I have to choose. What do I believe? What do I want my life to be about?

-This is what you do, Laydie, when you don’t get what you want. You go back to the original intention. You choose whether or not you want to stick with the original intention or if something else is more important. Your original intention was to have a loving mate, but is having a mate more important than having love? Would you rather be alone instead of being with someone that doesn’t make you come alive? Choose. Because it may take you some time to find that loving mate who wants you at the same time you want him. It may take a little more time for your life to manifest in all of its fullness, and in the meantime, while everything falls apart, the only thing that keeps you going is your choice to keep going…

– My advice. Go back to your original intention. Go back to it, Laydie. The other way is not for you. You know it. Your life is not about settling. That is not what you choose for yourself. You may choose something different if you like, but we know the Truth. So go back to the original intention. Choose it again. Every day choose it until you have exhausted all resources. Don’t get stuck on Will or some job or some situation. You chose to believe that God is for you and not against you. Let’s be clear. That is the spiritual path you chose, so embody it. Living a completely fulfilled life and achieving self realization is what you chose for your life, so let’s do it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Nobody said people wouldn’t talk about you. Nobody said you wouldn’t have to grow a lot, and not have the little things you want from time to time, but Let’s look at the bigger picture this time. Let’s not get snagged again. We’ve done that already. We’ve stopped and asked and doubted and questioned whether any of this was worth it.

-We are grown ups now. We don’t get stuck on “why”. We get up and do what needs to be done to feed the children. We cry if we have to, but we keep our hearts open. We stop playing dumb. We know what to do. We know the answer. Let go. What you wanted was not that little job or that particular man. Your original intention was to live a life of Divine alignment and fulfill your purpose on Earth with a partner that you can experience more bliss with than you have ever imagined. That’s what you want. Trust that you will have it and let Me work out the details. You are getting closer and closer every day. Don’t get snagged by appearances. Don’t give up. You will never get what you want if you give up, and just because you give up doesn’t mean your wants go away. They never go away, because they come from the root of who you are… Don’t give up. Come back home to your Spirit and refresh yourself. Come back and Know what you Know. Drink some water. And let’s keep going…

Day 213

When You Don’t Get What You Want

One Comment
  1. try a different method or way of achieving your goal look for improvements you can make on ones self. try to see yourself through different perspectives as well as the methods you use to achieve them.

    that is true your wants forever they seem to always be there, i dont know how some people do it they just seem to give up or walk away from their wants or dreams and make some statement to the effect of ” well that is how it was meant to be or maybe it was not meant to be….” I just do not understand that.

    im in that mode of applying for jobs again because of big screw up with Congress and my hiring government agency needing to with draw the job offer due to lack of funds…. UGH what sucks most they called me on the 2nd to last day of my two weeks, so i lost my rank lost my position due to my current employer hired someone to work my position and lost my future employment all in 5 minutes. Crazy in was doing everything and i even had the plans everything was starting to fall in to place in order to get back to the west but man i keep getting stuck like i currently am…. here we go time to start applying for jobs and hope that it wont take long to find another decent paying job

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