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Day 208 – Money, Lovers and Friends

January 23, 2013

Good day World,

It’s mid-afternoon. I’m at this art community place, surrounded by art galleries. There’s an open air space with table where people sit down and do work. The girl next to me is drawing beautiful sketches.

Maybe I’m a bit of a hippie, but I’m happy today. Really happy actually. I haven’t been writing as consistently. I’ve been spending a lot of time living this past week, and interacting with folks. I’m getting used to coming back to the world and being around people and I’m learning how to establish healthy boundaries for myself and be open to good things and maintain friendships at the same time. I am actually becoming a new person. I’m happy with who I am today. Free.

I have a very good friend who’s a therapist. I’ve only received counseling from him once before, but this past week, after receiving my rejection letter about my children’s book, I was feeling a little lost and confused about what direction to take next, and so I sought his help. For three days in a row, he counseled me on friendships, lovers, and money. It was really cool. I almost didn’t want our sessions to end. We went on a journey deep into my subconscious mind to explore my deep rooted beliefs about friendships, lovers and money. He made me go into a meditative state where I could see only pictures, and when I got there, he would say “OK, I’m about to drop a word in your mind” and I would have to tell him the immediate pictures that came up after he dropped the word. Then he would guide me until all images that I had associated with certain words were no longer negative…

Let me tell you. It was great. What was really interesting was what happened when we talked about money. All of the images that came to my mind included pain, destruction, war, and death. It was really hard letting myself see all that stuff and I wanted to quit the exercise, but he helped me get through it. He took me deeper and I had to explore where all of the negative images were coming from and when I finally found it, I had to find a way to stop it at the source. When we finally got to a place where the images where no longer negative, he asked me what I would like to do with my money. I told him about paying off all my debts and buying a house and helping all these people pay off their debts and buy a house, but we discovered something. Everything I wanted to do with money included basic survival. I had been asking for money all this time just so that I could survive, meaning just so that I could have food, water, shelter and clothes, the basic needs of survival. The few things that I like to do, write and dance and do nature stuff, doesn’t really cost much money.

In the past year, I had proven to myself that I don’t really need a lot of money to have food, water, shelter and clothes, so he asked me again what I would like to do with money, besides giving it to others and surviving, and I didn’t have an answer.  It was a really profound revelation. I have been wanting to make all this time, but I had never really thought of any use for it that pleases me. No wonder I haven’t been making much money.

So I’ve been thinking on money these days. It’s a really big mental stretch, thinking about life outside of the survival zone when you’ve been basically just “surviving” most of your life. I mean, getting that house on the hill and being rich is the American dream, but what do you do after all the bills are paid and everyone you care about has all the money they need to survive?

In other news, I sat by the Man With The Big Hands at my spiritual center again. His name is Will. He’s the only one who gets a real name here, because everything about him is so real and tangible. He still hasn’t hit on me yet, but this time when we sat together, he actually stayed through the whole service and looked at me and did all the exercises with me. And he told little jokes and I told him I loved praying with him and he said, “It’s been a pretty positive experience for me too”, and I Love him. I Love praying with him. I won’t give him an imaginary personality or imagine that we will ever be together or try and force myself into his life. For the first time ever, God, I’m going to let You orchestrate my life. Whatever happens is actually OK. There is nothing to lose because I have found peace in me somewhere and, call me delusional, but I think that when you start with peace in you, there is nothing to be created but peace.

I had sought out this sponsor to fund my overseas trip and when I asked for the money, the guy wrote me a really snide email saying he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, trying to imply that my desire to go overseas and build community didn’t come from a heartfelt desire to help. I almost told him off, but instead I just read his email again. If he didn’t think our hearts were in the same place, then they probably weren’t. It’s OK. I think I’m actually done with trying to force a result.

I am starting again, God. From a clean place. You have to start from a clean place otherwise everything just gets all muddy no matter what you try. What would I really do if I had more money than I could ever imagine? How would it be if I had a Love of my own that prayed with me and didn’t hurt me for once? What would I actually do with this gift of life? You see, I am actually starting to believe that I really have that choice. In spite of appearances, I am beginning to believe that once we get to a place of pure clarity and actually choose what we would make of ourselves, then You provide a way. There is no time for doubt. Time passes with or without doubt. Life goes by whether or not we ever attempt to make our lives look like something we’d like to look at.

I surrender to the Higher vision. I surrender to the original Truth of my soul. What would I do with money, friends and a lover? I’m still figuring it out, but for now, I know I choose peace with all of them. Let’s start there…

Day 208

Money, Lovers and Friends

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