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Day 205 – Use Your Own Will

January 12, 2013

Good day. I’ve been trying to write this entry for a few days now, but nothing has been clear, so I’ve been waiting for something…

It’s been four days since I’ve had a good night’s sleep, but last night I slept really well. I dreamed of my father smiling with open arms. He was coming home. Sometimes I forget that I used to have a dad that loved the mess out of me. He comes to me even now, in my dreams and prayers, when I need it most, reminding me about love and happiness… Reminding me that someone loved me all the way for no good reason, without me doing anything… Reminding me that Love is important and possible, even for me.

Deep emotion is welled up within me. I think it’s Love. There’s a ridiculous amount of love in me…

I have been coming back to the world all this past week, and there were many adventures. There’s only one I’d like to remember. The day I stood up to “the man”. I finished my work exchange for my writing class, but right before I finished, my boss asked me to do an impossible project. I was supposed to find a top secret business plan and get it to him so that he could start a comparable business using the folk’s information. And of course, while finding the top secret information, I was just supposed to pretend that I am a novice seeking advice on how to start a business and not tell folks that I was doing this project for my boss. -_-

So, I did it. I found his business plan and went above and beyond. I ended up getting a meeting with some big time business owners under my novice pretense, and I found myself in a conundrum. The meeting was scheduled for four days after my last day of work… My boss wanted me to create a bigger lie and have him at the meeting, but I didn’t want to do that. I was sick of him and the whole lying thing, and I didn’t want to mess up my reputation with the real big timers. But I was also scared to mess up my relationship with my boss…

After completing his project, though, I actually realized that I was valuable and I could find information and make connections that other people have a very hard time making. So I decided to just be valuable since all evidence seemed to be pointing to the fact that I was valuable. I told my boss about my concerns, and he immediately jumped on the defense, good old fashioned Hollywood style, and told me to take the meeting on my own. Yes! I was glad. I get to tell the truth and make the meeting into something real that could be beneficial to me, instead of being used for evil purposes…

I was glad to be able to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself and thinking I’m worth sh*t has been an issue I’ve dealt with most of my life. It’s been a long life, y’all…

Today I went back and read over some of the exchanges I’ve had with people over the years: letters, emails, cards, texts… So many of them packed with such emotion. Faint memories of all the entanglements. What were we all so mad about? What were we all so passionate about? What did we all really want from each other? When you get down to the root of it, most of our disagreements have to do with control. We want another person to do (or not do) a thing and they aren’t getting with the program. And so we try to force, manipulate, and trick them into doing (or not doing) whatever it is we want. Of course, if it works, it only works temporarily, and if it doesn’t work, we get mad and try to punish people, etc. And when the power play fizzles out, we find new people to play with until we learn about this control thing. Some people never learn and they start wars and fights and have kids all in the name of whatever, but it’s really about control…

That’s what I learned this week. Our most precious gift is our free will. People will run away, cheat, steal, lie, fight, and even die to preserve their right to do what they want to do and be who they want to be. It’s really phenomenal and absurd when you think about it. I have been trying for so much time to force things. Change people. Make people. Care. Tell the truth. Love. Be there. Do this, that or the other. Don’t do this. Think this way. Build a thing with me. Be a thing for me. All in vain. All in vain… People are going to do what they want to do. Period. You can force and manipulate the weak for a while, but eventually, even if they have to do it in secret, people are going to do what they want to do.

It’s best if, when you want to do something, and you want to do it with someone, you find someone who wants to do what you want to do with you. It makes sense, right?

I think what happens is that people aren’t used to knowing what they want to do or be, and so we find someone to follow, a hero to tell us how to live our lives. But somewhere in the in-between when we start discovering ourselves, we find out that we don’t want to do what the heroes tell us to do. And then things fall apart because we have all of these relationships that were built upon unspoken power arrangements instead of harmonious consensus.

If we would take the time to really figure out what we want to do, and what’s important to us. And if we could just have an ounce of faith and believe that it is possible to find those who are on the same page as us, instead of trying to force folks to be a certain way, life could be so much easier.

Lord, You are in me today. All up in my tingling hands and my heart. This is the next thing I have come to. Using my will. Finally. Not in reaction to anyone else’s will, but in harmony with the intentions of those I interact with. Not in a power struggle. No more fight in me. Yes, I can maintain peace now. Yes, I can co-create sustainable love and friendships now. Yes, I can boldly present my gifts to the world. Yes, I can participate in Divine Abundance and accept that everything that I need to do my work is available to me.

No more crying. Use your will now. It is your greatest asset. I am ready now, God. I am ready. Give me something to work with…

Day 205

Use Your Own Will

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