Ok… There’s so much to write about today, that I’m not sure what to focus on. Darkness… I had such scary dreams last night. Attacks on me and my family. I am aware of darkness.
Having been in a bubble for about a year, I had forgotten about the real horrible things that exist in the world. I had forgotten that people who don’t even know you could possibly hate you and plot for your demise just because you say a thing they don’t agree with or just because you are a certain race or gender or age or because you come from a certain neighborhood. And let’s not talk about the people who do know you and might be jealous or bitter or hurt by something you did or didn’t do, sitting around planning to bust the windows out of your car or do something to get back at you… I am keenly aware of the darkness today.
“It’s about time!” my mind says… In my dreams, a strange thing happened. I mean, I had about three dreams in one, but in all of them, when the danger approached, I stood up to it. I didn’t run. I didn’t cry. I tried to fix things and I called the darkness by its name. I was a bonafide strong and powerful woman in my dreams, but I wasn’t a meanie or a destroyer. I saw what I could like being powerful and wow…
I think it’s about time I make a decision about power, or will. I’ve been avoiding this topic for some time, because it’s such a touchy subject. I was taught that power had a negative connotation. Power was for evil people who wanted to control others and selfish people who wanted others to do their bidding. In the past, if ever someone called me powerful, I felt insulted, and automatically looked at them like they were evil, all caught up on power and stuff. But today I have to look at this word, because it’s an important one…
I went and spoke to this healer lady a long time ago, and she told me that she felt like I had been keeping a big secret all my life. She said that I had been playing small because I didn’t want people to know that I was powerful and I could do stuff. I was afraid that if people knew, they would try to harm me because I didn’t get with their program or they wouldn’t like me because they would think I thought I was too good or whatever. She was right.
I love dreams…
I have been afraid of stepping into my own power. I have been afraid of using my own will. In the culture I grew up in, I was taught that good women don’t really do all that. Good women do what their parents say and then when they get old enough, they get married and do what their husbands say. Having your own will and doing what you think is best for you, especially if it opposes what your parents want, equals being a bad woman. And I always wanted to be good.
And I see today that good is so relative… Hmmm… It has come to this. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about other people’s concepts of good and evil. I don’t care about what a woman my age from where I’m from is supposed to do or be. I am aware of the society I live in, but I don’t care about being ruled by society’s constraints anymore. I don’t care about the men from my past anymore, constantly coming back around trying to hold me in a thing that doesn’t give life. I’m not asking for permission to be free anymore. I’m setting myself free!
That’s it. Why have I been asking others for permission to be myself all this time? Why have I been letting these men and all these dark things dictate my experience on Earth? Constantly running from things and getting wrapped up in everything that keeps me stuck? I have been shirking my own power. I have not wanted to admit that I’m the boss of my own life. I have been afraid that if I say “I’m the boss” too loud then someone might hear me. I have been afraid that saying I have power is blasphemy. But You gave us a will, God. You gave us a will so that we could use it.
No longer will I run from demons. They can run from me now, because I am powerful. I accept it. I proclaim it. I announce it out loud, come what may. I am powerful. I have stuff to do here and I need my will and my power to do it. I am not ashamed anymore. I’ve got a life to live and I need my power, Lord. You provide the way, Oh Creator Of The Heavens And The Earth and Everything Above, Below and In-Between. I am speaking my will today. I am standing up for myself. I am on my own side. Not in a selfish way. Not with an ego. Not because I want to be “better than”.
I am standing up for myself because it is the only way I can be myself. I am announcing my will because I am responsible for creating my own destiny and without announcing my own will, I will be subject to the will of all who seek to interfere on my path. No. They have no power over me. The past has no power over me. I do not need anyone’s permission to let it go. I let it go in peace now. I step into my own shoes now. I step into my soul’s purpose on Earth, oh Lord, now and forever more. I now embody my Spirit…
Day 203
With Power
Really different kind of day today… Ran into so many people… An ex who I haven’t talked to in years called me trying to get back together. Bumped into an old almost-friend at the grocery store, and got a call from my God-kids’ father, who I haven’t spoken to in months… Got into a text argument with an ex almost-boyfriend and met a nice robust man with great skin at my spiritual center…
At my spiritual center, right before we were all asked to hold hands and pray together, and old man who smelled like smoke walked in and sat behind me. He reached his hands around me, enveloping me, and put his hands on top of mine. Then he rested his head on the back of my neck… I looked at his hands. They were dirty and bruised. I wasn’t sure if I should push him off of me or pray for him, so I asked God to take over, and I prayed my heart out while internally saying “shield of light, shield of light” to myself. The man left immediately after the prayer. It was so strange. Seemed like he had only come in there so he could pray with someone…
Men. They have been the bane of my existence thus far. I start doing well and it’s like they sniff the air and come flocking into my life. I am afraid of them. They hurt people. They lie. They are only about self. I guess I’m supposed to want to be with a man again by now, but I am so scared of them, God. I feel like if I open my life to them, I’m going to start doing bad again, and I’m just now finally starting to do well… I’m so sick of men…
God, You are telling me that I’m going to have to deal with them once and for all, but the thought makes me tired. I want to think about something else. They make me cry. You tell me to stop hating them…
Ugh.
Really? Men = betrayal, disappointment, and abandonment in my mind. I’m going to have to confront my feelings, aren’t I? Geez… Men make me cry. Even thinking about them makes me cry. They make me feel so sad about everything.
I’m looking at myself from the outside and I’m saying, this woman has been through too much. Give her some rest now. Give me some rest, God. I am too sensitive for some of the things that happen in this world. I feel things too deeply. I don’t want to be a coward and run away from relating to others, but I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak. Do you know my heart was broken the last time I was in a relationship? I try to act all tough and strong about things, but my heart was really broken, and a little piece of it breaks every time someone I care about is mean to me or they treat me like sh*t or just disappear on me… It breaks every time.
And I don’t want to toughen up. Nope. It just makes you have a big old wall around you and you can’t feel anything. I don’t want to be like that. So… I’m coming back to the world, God. I’m coming back to relating and interacting with so many people every day, and I’m coming back to opening myself to the men. I need You to be with me, because I’m not quite sure how to do this and be safe and be happy. I’m different now. I like myself now. I can’t put up with all the nonsense that people bring. I’m trying this shield of light thing, but I’m not good at it yet…
People kept telling me that I was radiant today… They don’t know how much work it has taken for me to even start to feel good about myself. They don’t know how afraid I am of being hurt (unless they read this blog, lol).
So. This is the hardest part. I hate being all vulnerable… How do I deal with the evil men?
-First, stop calling them evil. They are human, like you.
But…
-Then, Love Yourself. You have been wanting to say this aloud for a long time. Love Yourself. You know what that means now. Love Yourself. It doesn’t mean don’t love anyone else. If you Love Yourself you are going to love others by default. Allow Me to apologize on their behalf. You will understand the blessings in your misadventures one day, but for now, Forgive them. Look at their lives. Mired in confusion and pain. They know not what they do. Forgive them and give Me your pain. I will carry it now. I will take it from you. Give me your fears. They will not hurt you any more. They can not. You Love Yourself too much to let them. The residue of your past falling away now… Let it fall…
– I know you believe that men are evil and hurtful and selfish and mean and they make you cry, and all of those things are true, but they are also good and helpful and selfless and kind and they can lift you up. They are loyal and there for you and the men in your life from this point forward stay when the going gets tough. Those kinds of men exist just as surely as you do. Will you allow yourself to know the good guys now?
Yes.
-Will you give yourself permission to be lathered with a greater Love than you can even imagine?
I don’t even believe that could happen to me.
-You don’t have to believe. Just allow. Defer to Your spirit and allow Grace to take over. There is nothing to be afraid of. Do you see? You have come to know what you know, and you know… Defer to your spirit and all will be well…
Ameen.
Day 202
Defer To The Spirit
Yes…
I’m rewriting this entry, doing this intentional writing thing. Sometimes I start out with a lot of rambling, and I have to ramble to get through my thoughts until I come to the place where I am clear about what I want to say. There is beauty in saying a thing on purpose, and there is also much to be admired about spontaneity. I seek to blend the two…
Good morning, world. I’m in Love today. With nothing in particular. I am so glad to be here in a new day in a new year. I am so alive right now… When I go back and read my entries, I realize that a lot actually happens in a week. A lot happens in a day. This holiday season has been fantastic. I wasn’t depressed or desperate. I’m really proud of myself. I have to give myself credit if no one else will. I’ve come a long way on this adventure, and I have finally reached the point of no return.
It’s like I’ve been climbing uphill all this time, with all this baggage. All this pain and fear and resentment and sadness, these deep doubts and lack of faith in myself… All of this has been with me for quite some time, but most of it is gone now. And it’s like I’m standing on the peak of a mountain, looking back at everything that has transpired in this year alone. I don’t regret anything, but there is nothing that I want to go back to. In the past, this would make me afraid, you know? Everything that has been your life is no longer your life and you are not sure what your new life will consist of.
Well, today, I’m excited about this prospect of a new life, instead of being afraid. I’m excited about being so unencumbered. I’m excited about my plans, but moreover I am excited about my belief in my ability to move my plans from plans to reality. I am excited about the deep sense of contentment that is not dependent on conditions that has been welling up in me all along.
I am glad to be here, God. I want to remember this day. I haven’t been out of the house yet today, but I’ve already been a lot of places. I want to remember this feeling of freedom that I feel right now. It’s Lovely. I’m happy today for no good reason. This is me. The girl (or should I say woman now) who used to cry every day. This is me. The girl who always thought she wasn’t good enough for anything. Oh, today I feel like I am worthy of this peaceful feeling. I know that I deserve it. Thank You, God…
Freedom. Self-love. Power. A shield of light. That’s it! How you stay open and yet protect yourself from those who would seek to destroy or harm you. A shield of light! Dig deep and find the good in you. It’s there. People will test you. Other folks aren’t going to stop doing whatever they do just because you decided to change. But if you bring out the good in you, and don’t worry about those others, then they will go their own way. Or, you will finally love yourself enough to demand to be respected and loved by those you invite into your inner circle. You will no longer hang out with folks that make your belly hurt, or people who suck the life out of you and offer nothing to nourish. You. Me. Our thoughts about ourselves. Our convictions. We are our own shields and protectors, and soon we will shine so bright that the darkness will not be able to survive in our presence…
May this be the Year of all Years. May it be the day of all days for us to shine. In Truth. For us to Love. For real. For us to present and express to each other that which is seeking and dying to come out of us. May we know once and for all what it means to have a life that we Love…
Ameen.
Day 201
A Shield Of Light
Rewriting… I just deleted a 600 word pity party entry that I wrote while crying my eyes out. I haven’t had a good “woe is me” cry in a while, so that was refreshing…
Now let’s get back to business. I must tell you that as I’m writing I’m feeling a little low. What sets off these mood swings? Oh, yes. I recently got rejected for a job I thought I was going to get. I’m so mad. I think borderline bitter… Hmm…
People keep texting and calling asking me to do recreational stuff. I just got another text asking me to do something. I’m about to explode. No one ever believes me when I say I’m not doing well, but I’m not doing too well today, God. You know what’s up. I’m about to explode.
Help me. Please. Help. Me. Please. Please…
I am not doing well… On the inside my conscience is more clear than it’s ever been and I don’t have any personal drama any more and I have really cool family and the friends that I do have are phenomenal, but on the outside I am not doing well. Still not making enough income to get above a negative net any time soon, still no man, still no writing success, still have people looking to me to support and help and lead and I’m not able to do it…
I am feeling frustrated and weak, God, and I need Your help. I don’t know what to do to make things happen. I don’t know which direction to take to make money. These jobs keep rejecting me, and the little gigs that I get on my own always seem to be barely enough. And a good relationship with the kind of man I’d like? I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to pull that one off. My faith is waning
I am tired of asking people to help me pay for stuff. It makes me feel like a loser. I am tired of staying at other people’s places because I can’t pay the rent at my own apartment… I’m not trying to run any more or avoid my issues. I’m trying to face them, God, and get over them, but I don’t know how. I really don’t know what to do to get out of this rut, and I have no one to look to. Everyone has an opinion based on their own values, but their values are not my values…
I know I can’t just sit around and do nothing, but I feel powerless and trapped right now. Please help me. I’m not quitting. I refuse. And I’m not doing this thing where I work a job I hate forever and don’t live my purpose just so I can have a fancy house and act successful and keep myself so busy that I never really have time to think about what I’m here for. Can’t do it. I’m not doing it. That’s not what my life is about. You told me that I had stuff to do here. I thought You told me, God. I thought I had stuff to do here. Why are You making it so hard for me to do it?
You say You are teaching me about strength and power and resistance and faith, and that is fine by me. It is fine by me to learn all these lessons. I will learn them. I have nothing to lose at this point. I will lock myself in a room and write all day or go work at McDonald’s or date or not date or stay here or move wherever or stop eating meat or drink a gallon of water a day or whatever. I’ll go pray wherever to whoever or not pray at all. It’s ok with me. I’m not scared to do what You ask of me, but I need to know what to do. That’s all.
My heart is so open right now. I never thought I’d be at a place in life where I have nothing to lose. Is this the place of choice that I’ve read about? Is this the place where I get to use my will? Let’s do it then. It’s tricky, though, God. How do I operate from a place outside of survival mode when I am in desperate need of survival stuff? You are telling me that I am not in desperate need. I have food and shelter and clothes and water. I can look outside of myself and talk about what everyone else needs to do in order for them to have fulfilled lives. Now time to look at myself. For real.
What do I really need to do? Get a job? No and yes. A job will make people respect me and not look at me like I’m a loser. But what do I really need to do for my life? If I really want to be a professional writer and do all this heal the world stuff and have a fabulous man? I need to get moving on the latter three things and complete my efforts in those areas. I have been somewhat kind of putting effort in different areas, but nothing is complete, and if I was looking at myself from the outside, I would say complete one thing at a time. Finish the list. One thing at a time. The rest will fall into place by virtue of the others. Completion begets completion. But how do you decide which one to complete first?
-Good question. You address the most immediate need first, but don’t let it consume you. Today, Laydie, you are going to get organized. It is necessary. You are ready now. You no longer give in to despair. You no longer look to those outside of you to guide You. You see that you are enough, and you are willing to give it all and give it all up to manifest your destiny. Now We can do some real work. So, step one…
Day 200
Plan
I’ve been reading The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes lately…
It’s afternoon. A lovely day so far. Prayer and meditation. A walk in the sun. Good reading. Talked to some folks on the phone. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the peanut butter and bread that I like. Sentence fragments that feel whole…
They say the end of the world is coming tomorrow, whoever “they” are. Sometimes I sit around and look for sadness, my longtime companion. He is nowhere to be found. I look for someone to be mad at, but I’m not angry. I look for a reason to complain, but how can I complain when I just ate such a good sandwich and the sun shining is so beautifully today?
This is one of those days, God. An alive day. I feel lucky to be alive. To still be here. My life is nothing like I imagined it would be, but I feel so grateful to just be here today with a clear mind and a clean heart…
Family is on my mind. Love. Children. Sharing. There’s nothing to cry about anymore, and if the world really did end tomorrow, it would be all right with me. I’ve said all I wanted to say to everyone I wanted to say it to. I’ve danced my heart out, and Lord knows I’ve tried my best at a lot of things…
My friend apologized the other day. He meant it. I think he kind of understood what he did, but it doesn’t matter if he ever changes. He understood that he had disappointed me, and he was sorry for letting me down. And he made it up to me. And that was cool. That he cared enough to consider me. I forgive him. He’s a flake so I won’t count on him for stuff but he has good qualities, too, including a heart of gold, humility and such a kind spirit… I’ll keep the friend door open.
My life is changing before my very eyes. I am changing before my very eyes. I’m not the same anymore… I actually care about myself now, and I actually care about other people. I’m not afraid of what tomorrow will bring. You said you will take care of me, God, and I trust You. I believe You for the first time ever. It is the end of my world as I know it. I know it…
“But what’s so special about today?” my mind asks.
– “You are like the flower in your kitchen,” You say. You are me. The part of me that knows what it knows.
-That flower has been growing every day, since the day you got it and it looked like a muddy little root. So today is just like every other day. You drink water. You feel the sun on your face. You grow. But today, just like the flower in yur kitchen, you see your blossoming. That is why you are so alive. You are aware of what has become of you. You see your heart, and you see that if the world was going to end today, you could actually look Me in the face and say that You tried. And try you did, baby. Try you did.
– I know you are on an intentional adventure, but in the midst of setting all of your intentions, please do not forget to enjoy the ride. You have prayed already. You have prayed and prayed and I have heard you time and time again. And I have tested you with things from your past time and time again and this time you have shown growth and strength. And you have demonstrated humility and faith and Love. You have faced your fears and stared them down and you have seen that they have no power over you. No, you are not delusional. You are learning how to distinguish between inspiration and ego. Trust… The thing about a life is, you never know what’s going to come of it until the end. As you have seen, one day, or one decade, you may feel like you’re floating on top of the world and the next you are drowning in a sea.
– So hold back your judgements, and your comparisons and your things that you should have done by this and that time and the other. It’s not over yet. You do your best, you hear me? There’s no one to fight any more. You open your big ol’ heart and you Love some more and some more and some more. Your Love is your saving grace. They will talk about you and say you are crazy and all sorts of things, but they are rooting for you, because deep down, they hope that the good in all of Us will one day win. Contrary to everything we say, deep down, we secretly want to believe in something good..
-You go ahead, Laydie. The seeds have already been planted. You have already prayed. You know what’s good for you. There’s no debate about it. You know what feeds your soul, and your faith is finally stronger than your fear. You know what to do in your day and how to spend your time, and you even know who to spend it with. Let’s take action now. With ease and grace. We have done a lot of work. Now let our actions and our words and our thoughts reflect that which we have learned. Live your life. Now. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s okay to be happy and good and free and successful. It’s okay to love and be loved and have real friends and be supported and supportive and eat the things you want to eat. You prayed for this, remember? It’s okay to live the life you are destined to live. I am answering your prayers. Let it be. Today, today, today, and every day for ever more…
Ameen.
Day 199
It Ain’t Over (Till It’s Over)
Well,
Yesterday kind of went as planned. I sent out an email that I had been planning to send for some time… But the rest of the day didn’t quite pan out like I had seen in my head. I went to the Writer’s Guild library, where writers write, so I could work on my script, but when I got there, they told me that it was closed early due to some special event… Then I was supposed to spend time with a good friend of mine who’s in town and do alive stuff together, but he flaked on me. He kept saying he was going to come by and never did, so I spent about six hours at home just cleaning up and talking on the phone until I got sad and went to sleep…
Then this morning I sent him a sad face text. He called and made excuses as to why he didn’t show up yesterday. No apology for not calling and canceling. Then he asked to hang out today. And I’m getting mad as I’m typing. I told him yes we could hang out, but I’m about to cancel. No apology. Things happen. I understand. But I can’t get past this thing that people do. This disappointing each other, offering no apologies, and then expecting folks to want to be around you… I can’t get over the fact that I actually accept that kind of treatment…. Hold on. I’m about to call him…
So I called and of course he has all kinds of reasons and excuses as to why he couldn’t just pick up a phone and tell me that plans had changed. And of course there are reasons. A phone wasn’t working. A meeting ran late. This, that and the other. But guess what I know? If I had a bunch of money for him and he couldn’t make it, he would have found a way to let me know he was canceling. If this was an important business meeting that he couldn’t make, he would have done everything he could to make sure that he had come or at least let me know that he wasn’t coming. I’m upset because this, too, is the story of my life…
People I care about just think it’s so ok to flake on me. Just not show up or disappear. Just don’t do what they say they are going to do and don’t even say sorry about it. Just look at my phone call, knowing we’ve made plans, and push reject. And I am sitting here like, what is it about me that I attract these kinds of people? I mean, I know it’s not personal. They are flakes in all areas of their lives unless they think that their flakiness will have a severe negative impact on their livelihood. But it is personal, because I’m the dummy that actually comes close to these people and relies on them when I know how they are. When I know that there are other kinds of people in the world that I can be close to. Non flakes…
My friend is never going to say sorry. None of the flakes I know will. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior and they never will unless they want to. When you meet or know a person that goes years upon years without ever saying sorry to anyone for anything, you better believe that that person is thoroughly invested in a self identity that includes them always being right about everything. Who I am to tell someone that they need to change their whole self identity? Really?
So, that’s my morning so far, God. Let’s turn it around and make it a good day, please. Another friend of mine just made it into town and literally texted me this morning. This friend is actually more reliable and considerate than me.
I think I attach to flakes because I want to teach them a lesson, “show them”, make them stop being like that, but I can let that go right here and now. I let go of the need to teach people lessons. I let go of the need to try and mold people and make them into a thing that I think they are. I let go of the need to be disappointed. I let go of the need for negative and dysfunctional relationships in this instance right here and right now, God. I see that my life is coming full circle and everything is being dug up and addressed and I allow it to be.
I allow a healing and a true transformation to take place. No more drama. Like Mary J Blige said, “No more drama in my life”. I’ll get a job in a community center or school if I want to help people get over their issues, but in my personal life, I’m not trying to be the teacher. I’m not trying to help you learn how to be nice to folks or inspire you to be happy and get your life together. It’s your job to make yourself into a cool, likable, reliable, giving person if you want to have a cool friend like me.
So this is my on purpose intentional lesson to myself on this day. If people treat you bad, you can tell them. Please tell them before you run, because maybe they don’t see it. But if, after you have told them, they make no apologies and show no signs of trying to change, leave them alone. They are going to keep treating you bad. They are not going to change unless and until they decide for themselves that they want to change… And they can meet you on the other side of happy if they choose to..
I’m on a mission here. Happiness and peace of mind. Progress and transformation. Healthy relationships infused with kindness, forgiveness, and mutual goodwill… No more drama in my life, Lord. No more drama…
Day 198
No More Drama
Good Day…
I just deleted a whole rambling that I’ve been typing for the last hour… It was just for me to sort out my thoughts. They are still not sorted, but I think they are clear enough to write down now…
I’m feeling all these feelings today without cause, and I’ve been trying to find a cause but nothing quite fits. Superstitious people would say that someone’s putting a spell on me. Maybe so. It’s funny to think that someone could think that I’m so important that they would devote their time and energy into trying to make me do or not do a thing, or take a thing from me…
I don’t know where to start. I’m trying to write from an intentional place now, so it changes the free-flowing aspect of things. I’m still learning how to balance spontaneity with inspiration and focus, so please be patient with me. OK… I’d like to talk about the thing that is occurring within me right now. I know it has to do with power and choice and surrender, so let me just see if I can sort it out and make it make sense.
I woke up feeling inspired and good, like I sometimes do. My hands were tingling and I was smiling without effort. I’m not working today, and I had planned to spend the day applying for some jobs and writing, and so I came to my computer to do that, but I couldn’t focus. I tried to meditate, but I couldn’t focus on that either. My mind was cloudy. Then I wrote the blog entry that I just deleted, and I was thinking about this “end of the world” thing that they say might happen soon, and inevitably the question, “What would you do if it was your last day” came to mind. And I didn’t have a clear answer…
I feel like I’m supposed to want to be with family or friends or someone somewhere, or I’m supposed to feel sad or bad because I’m not with family or friends or someone somewhere, but I don’t want to be anywhere but here, and I don’t feel bad about it. I feel good about it, and that’s super different for me. If today was my last day, I would feel good about my life, and it’s weird because I feel like I’m supposed to feel bad about my life, but I don’t. I mean, I haven’t done everything that I thought I would do, but God, you are whispering that I have done everything that I was supposed to do… and as I am writing these words, my heart feels like it’s expanding. Literally. Like they say on “Survivor”, I think I’ve played a pretty good game, and I deserve to be around a little longer…
I am going to take a moment to close my eyes and step outside of myself. I’d like to defer to you, God, because there is something wonderful in me itching to come out today, but I don’t have the words… and you say it’s not in the words today. It’s in the action. Action is funny. We live in such a selfish culture. Most people don’t act on anything unless they think it’s gonna benefit themselves in some way. I grew up thinking benefitting yourself was an evil motive for action, and so I spent a lot of time doing things because I thought they would benefit others, because I wanted to be good, but that didn’t seem to fill me up, either. It left me feeling depleted. Maybe the secret is balance. Sometimes you do things just because you want to give and sometimes you do things just because you want to receive. That seems healthy to me.
Lord, I am trying to defer to you for this day, but You are telling me that I already know what to do and think and feel and see and be , but I am telling you that I don’t. But I don’t even believe myself. I do know exactly what is happening here. I am going to a different place this morning. The root of my power. My long time companion, fear, is no where to be found. You say You banished him for a time and this is what life feels like without him. There is a sense of freedom and aprreciation. There is a willingness to reach out and touch someone, literally, and simply look deep into another’s eyes and share such a good laugh. Without fear, there is an urgent compulsion to get things done today. A sense of gratitude washes over you. A sense of humility. And it is ok to walk outside. You are not afraid of the people you will meet, with all their myriad agendas. You are not afraid to give what you are inspired to give, because You know that your gifts will come to you from those inspired to give to you. Reciprocity doesn’t always mean that the one you gave to will be the one to give back to you…
Just walk as you are lead, You say. Delight in the Grace of not being burdened with expectations. The hands that would pull you to be this way or the other no longer have a hold on you, and in the moment you are free to create life from a place of pure intention. Without fear. Be confident in your relationship with Me. I have given you a respite from fear, and you see already how the color of the world changes when you realize that there is no damage to be done. Everything will not make sense on this new adventure. You will not respond in the ways that you used to, and that is a good thing. That is evidence of change. You will become instead, you are becoming instead, an instigator of responses. A leader. A way shower… You are becoming Yourself…
Day 197
Without Fear
Good day World,
It’s such a beautiful day today. The sun has been gone for some time, but today it came out early and it’s still sunny and cool. I went running and did some stretches at the park. I feel energized and alive today. Grateful…
A lot has happened since my last entry, but I don’t know if I want to write about the events of my life or go in another direction today. I’m feeling so inspired and grateful. The season of my life is changing, and although winter is upon us, it feels like the beginning of spring inside of me. I have been planting seeds for a while, working the soil, uprooting, picking out weeds, getting rid of the crops that don’t bloom…
Today is peaceful. I would like to tell you one thing that happened. Besides being the last day of my writing class yesterday and the first day of orientation for my new job, I came upon a realization about love. Love (or the lack thereof) has been the theme of most of my life. This past week, I reconnected with one of my exes, the one who inspired this blog, and we fell in and out of love again in the course of a week. It had always been that way with us, though. Up and down, love then hate from day to day… Most of our arguments had always come from the fact that he would ask me to rely on him, and then he wouldn’t keep his word on stuff. I, in turn, would abandon him at the drop of a hat. This past argument was no different. He lied about something and then I told him never to contact me again. I ended it with a bang by getting back at him for lying to me…
But I didn’t feel so glorious. And after the thrill of vindication had subsided, I checked in with my Spirit. She was not happy with the way we had handled things. And it dawned on me. This was a man who, at one point, I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I really did. And this was a man who had actually considered me to be the Love of his life. Why were we hurting each other so much? I realized that he had never meant me any harm. No, he didn’t know how to be vulnerable and trust and receive love, but he had wanted to know. He had wanted me to show him. But when the going got tough (or even slightly uncomfortable), I left him. Every single time. I had never seen my self as the leaver or the person who doesn’t notice when someone is giving their all. I had always thought that I was the abandoned and the one who was put on the shelf, but yesterday, I saw clearly how much I had hurt him. I left him.
I prayed for forgiveness, and I asked him for forgiveness, and I am sitting here today analyzing this Love thing that we always talk about. What does it really mean? Besides having all of these feelings, how does love manifest in our actions? We have been saying I love you to each other, but what that has meant is, “I will only answer your phone calls when I feel like it, and I might not listen when you talk. When I get angry or scared, I will try my best to tear you down or I will leave you anytime you do a thing I don’t like. I might cheat on you and put your body at risk if I get bored enough. Oh, and you better act right, ‘cus if you make me mad, I won’t help you when you need it. I will get in the way of your greatest dreams, and I will only see you in relationship to what you can do for me. I won’t notice your laugh or your smile or anything about you unless it serves me. I won’t notice you dying…”
I have been the culprit and the victim of these “acts of love”, but life has changed. Just like that. Just like it always does. In a day. I realize that Love is an action word. It’s an on purpose word. It is an intentional caring and forgiving and noticing and supporting. It is an on purpose loyalty and receptivity, and sometimes it will stretch you and test your patience. Sometimes it will take everything out of you just to stay, or just to leave when you realize that there is no love in the thing you thought you loved…
Most of the time we don’t mean it. We don’t mean to hurt each other so much. We just don’t have a clue. But today, on this intentional adventure that we are taking, I’d like to put something in the air. We can Love on purpose. I mean, we can meet a person and get to know them first. Sure, chemistry and unknown forces are going to do their thing as far as attraction goes, but after that, we can choose who we want to Love, and we can choose qualified people, people who are willing and able to love us back. And we can become qualified people. We can actually notice the guy who brings us flowers and appreciate that simple act of love. We can answer a phone call even when we know that all they want to do is talk about themselves. And we can actually listen. We can take the time to be clear about how we feel and what that actually means in terms of action before we say I Love you…
I don’t know about you, but this dysfunctional relationship stuff is yesterday’s business now. I am ready for Love now, God, and I’m not even sad about it. Thank you so much…
Day 196
Love On Purpose
I think change in itself is a miracle. Think about it. Anytime anyone sets out to make any kind of change, they will face resistance. Drug addicts go through intense physical withdrawal. If you are losing weight, your body starts itching everywhere and you get muscle pains, and let’s not talk about changing an entire life. People who knew you before will taunt you with your old triggers, just because they are used to you being a certain way. You’ve got to be out of your mind and yet keep your sanity if you really want a positive change.
It’s 7:50 pm. It’s been a long day. I’ve been working really hard this week, trying to keep my word to myself and be disciplined. Almost every time I work on my script, I get short in the breath before it’s over. My old love fears are resurfacing. It’s easy to talk about the things I want to do, but the doing, the changing, the real life stuff…. Well, let’s say it’s a challenge to say the least. You see, I have gotten used to losing. Isn’t that silly? People do it every day, though. And then it becomes your life. And now, I’d like to get used to winning again, but oh, the resistance…
I’m at my writing internship right now. A group rented our office out to hold an evening event, and I am the point of contact in case anything goes wrong… And I’m thinking about change. The interesting thing is, I know I’m going to be one of the miracles. One of the people who change for real. I already am. I just have to keep going. This time, doing things on purpose…
Now that we are in the throes of change, we are seeing that it’s not all roses like we thought it would be. But we have been here before. And we have ducked down and retreated. We have gone backwards when things have gotten uncomfortable like they are becoming now. When fears have been dug up to the surface, we have run before. But since we have now decided, with all of our soul (and we have decided with all of our soul) that we will not let life pass us by, since we have chosen that we are going to experience Love and Success and the Fulfillment of our deepest dreams, there is no retreating now. There is no turning back. We are going to change. Finally. Once. And. For. All…
But how? This is what I’ve got, Laydie. This is me, the bigger You, talking to the little you. I know you are afraid. You are afraid of so much. But guess what? You have gotten stronger now. You are ready now. You didn’t even see it happening, but you have become strong. And you have become wise. And your fears? They are like whiney little children. Look at them as such and you will overcome them. This is your time. Do you understand? This is the time to face them all, to push yourself beyond yourself. This is the time to open even wider and forgive even more. And to give, Laydie. This is the time to give more than you thought you could. Because We are stretching, here. We are not going back to the old successes or the old failures. We are becoming a new thing. A bigger thing. More of the thing that you really are.
We are stretching, and at the beginning, it won’t feel good. It will hurt and it will wake up aches and pains that you didn’t even know were there. But as you continue, stretching will become like Love, soothing and releasing all that is not good. So when your breath gets short, breathe a little deeper. You can do it. When you become worried about what tomorrow might bring, get down on your knees and pray until you are sure that tomorrow is taken care of. And when your precious heart feels like it just can’t take any more, when you are scared out of your mind to be vulnerable, or if someone disappoints you, you find something safe to Love and you Love like your life depends on it. Hug your nephew. Give your sister a gift. Write Mr. Almost Famous something sweet… You Love in the midst of your fears, and soon the energy of Love will become your life…
This is the practice. Oh, this is the good part. I am here with you every step of the way. Do you see what you can do? If you get discouraged, just come back to your Self. I got you…
Day 195
Stretch
Good morning,
Today is one of those days already. A really, really good one. Sometimes nothing has to happen to make it a good day. It’s just a frame of mind.
Literally so much has changed since I wrote four days ago. I’m coming back to my real self again. I guess I was doing pretty good at the beginning of the year, then I got caught up with Dream Lover and fell off, and now I’m getting back to good again. I want to talk about Dream Lover today. Or rather, men. Or relationships really.
It has been a cycle in my life since I started having boobs. I’ll be doing really well, and then I meet some man. I fall head over heels for him and essentially give him complete power over my life. I feel weak and unstable. Something happens and we break up. I break down and spend some time doing really bad. Then I get back to good again on my own. Then I meet some man and fall head over heels… And the cycle continues. And all this time, I have been blaming the men.
But it is me who has been doing the same thing over and over again… I’m getting back to good again. In the past few days, I realized that I have angels for my friends and family. People have lifted me up and supported me so that I can have my basic needs while I’m in LA doing the writing thing. I got a full time job offer that I think I will like, which means that soon my financial situation will be much much better. I’m getting back to being disciplined, waking up on time and accomplishing little goals. I’m getting back to good again. Finally. And of course, as has been in the past, men are knocking on my door again…
So I sit here this morning, intentional. You see, I’m not interested in the up and down any more. I’m not interested in running in circles. I’d like the good to last this time. Forever, really. Of course there are “low” moments in life, but I’d like the good to last. Here. Now. In California. No more running away. No more super sad traumatic stories.
This weekend, I found out that I have friends. They have always been there, I just had to call them. And they are good friends. Fantastic people. And my family here is fantastic, too. But back to the men…
So, I used to think that I couldn’t do both. It was a choice. Either focus on your career or have a relationship. Either get a job or write. But it’s not true anymore. I can do both. I’d like an open heart, even now. So I ask God what I have been doing wrong to keep going through the same cycles, and He told me.
I have been trusting people who have never shown themselves trustworthy. I have been trying to make a man out of thin air, instead of paying attention to the men who were really in front of me. I haven’t thought that I had a right to ask, no demand to be loved. I haven’t thought much of myself and have given myself to men who cheat on me and lie to me and talk bad to me and don’t really care about anything I have to say and never remember my birthday and aren’t there for me when I need it. It’s not their fault. They have a right to be whoever they want to be. Nobody slipped any drugs in my drink or forced me to be with them. I had chosen to be with those people, and as I look back at them, I realize that I had never really sat down and analyzed anything.
And now, with clarity, I can make a new choice. I can finally break this cycle. I see that it has absolutely nothing to do with the men. It has everything to do with the standard I set for my life and my willingness to be open and giving and receptive.
God, You are asking me what is the standard. You know I don’t want to write it down, because writing makes things real for me. Do You think I can do it, God? Do You think I can actually have a good life finally? You say it is up to me and what I think… OK. I am willing to do it. I will set a new standard for my romantic relationships. Ha. That’s not hard at all. My standards have been so low. I’ll be public about it…
Let’s not talk about the little details. Let’s talk about the things that create the little details. First and foremost, he is completely single and unattached to anyone and he is willing and wanting to create and experience a profound Love in his life. That rules out 60 percent of guys, but You say that’s OK. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You deserve it. OK. Next, he is kind, compassionate, and honest, and he keeps his word. He thinks about things before he makes a commitment and he doesn’t flake. And mostly, he wants to be with me, just as I am. No makeovers. No new books I have to read. No telling me to be whatever religion or not or get whatever job or sit at home… He is thrilled to know me just as I am, and, at some point, he has sat down and decided that I am exactly who he wants to be with, just as I am. He answers my phone calls all the time or calls back as soon as he can… LOL… OK. Is that good, God? You say yes. That’s a good start.
I’ll start there. You guys don’t understand. I finally feel like I’m worth something. I finally feel like I’m a good thing and I deserve a good thing and I’m enough and I’m able. And I’ve had so many people rooting for me and I know I still have a ways to go, but I’m so thankful for this day, God.
I am done with heroes now. I can have partners and companions now. Asking someone to save you is a lot of work. Most people have a hard enough time saving themselves. I can analyze and choose who I want to love and be vulnerable with and understand why and do a thing on purpose now. I’m done with pining for love and being pitiful. I’m done with a life that is less than me. I think at some point you just have to buckle up, draw forth all your strength, prepare for your life to be disrupted, and claim that you are done with living a certain way. Goodbye dysfunctional relationships. Good bye sadness. Good bye fear and repression. Goodbye death. I won’t miss you at all… And hello Life. Hello.
Day 194
Breaking The Cycle (The End of Heroes)
hownottocryeveryday 