Shall I tell you what happened? I had a meeting with a big time New York literary agent. I sent her a blind query letter via email and she responded on the same day saying she liked my children’s book. Then she called me and we talked about the book and my illustrator. She looked up my illustrator’s work and said she absolutely loved it! Then she said she would get back to me!!!!
Yesterday, she sent me a rejection email…
Shall I tell you the changes that went through my brain? When I was communicating with her, instantly life seemed different. I actually saw myself as a successful writer. I had money and I was in New York speaking with my illustrator about the book pages. I was meeting with people about my other projects. In my daydream my skin was clear and I had fancy tailored clothes. All my debts were paid off. I was talking to people overseas about my community building project, which was actually going to happen this summer. And men, the kind of men I like, available, really single, happy, successful, young enough but old enough, strong, prayerful, kind men were trying to court me…
I saw all of this in my daydream. So you can imagine the feeling I had when I read that email. I was sitting at my family’s apartment (where I’m currently cat sitting). I got off the computer and the cat came around and licked me or put her wet nose/mouth on me or whatever they do and then started purring and rubbing me… I’m not a cat person and have a slight allergy to cats. I looked around at my life. So different than the daydream I had just had. Things went from seeming possible to seeming impossible just like that.
It came to my mind to just quit. Throw in the towel. Go back to my momma’s house. At least I know I could get a good job and I wouldn’t be poor anymore. At least I know there are marriage-minded available-ish men over there. They have a kid or four but they’ll marry you. You just have to be whatever religion they profess to be. Yesterday, after coming so close to realizing the dream, I saw that none of my actual life right now had any semblance to that daydream, and I was heartbroken. Really. What am I doing here? I asked myself. And I felt completely lost. Because there was nowhere else I could go. There was no life for me back at home. Who was I fooling? One of my sister’s offered for me to go with her to Hawaii, but that wasn’t my life. And I didn’t feel like running away or running back to any one of my exes.
Deep down I knew I had to stay and tough out the disappointment. The practice what you preach part. But God, it was hard. It’s still hard. It’s not easy, God, to have such a wonderful dream and wake up to something so different and not know how to move from A to B. Because I’m trying, you know? I’ve been trying for some time now. And You say try some more. This is where the real faith comes in. There is no visible sign of hope of achieving anything I ever dreamed of, and you are just telling me to try some more?
-Yes.
Wow…
I guess I have come out of depression. I am always surprised when people tell me I have a happy or radiant disposition. I guess I’m not depressed any more. Nothing is going as I imagined it. You know that, huh God?
-Everything is going as you imagined it. Look again. Look again and be grateful. Everything is going as you imagined it. How do you think strength is developed? How do you think the ability to change human hearts is achieved? Through sitting at home and reading books about life experiences? How do you think you learn about real love? You have to go through it. You do, Laydie. All this good stuff you are learning will take you very far. You have given up on running and avoidance. You will see. Your daydream and so much more you shall have. And this will be your testimony…
My testimony… Honestly, I am not completely broken. I am not completely discouraged. I don’t see anything. Any answers. Any way out. Any path from here to there. But I know that there are still ways out even if I don’t see a way. The world is not limited to my understanding of it. And so, in this moment, I open my life up again. And again and again and again. Recommitting God. Even now. Even now. Even now I make a commitment. You are teaching me faith and true spiritual strength and I accept. I open myself up to unexpected good in unexpected ways from unexpected sources. I accept my destiny fulfilled. Even now. Even if I can’t see what’s happening yet. And there are still things I can do.
Eye on the prize, You say. Move towards the vision, You say, and I will. I will keep making writing submissions. I will keep finishing projects. I will keep my body and skin in good shape. I will keep my romantic life and my conscience clear and open. I will make moves and plans towards the overseas project and I will not leave LA unless I’m running towards something, not running away. I will keep the vision. I will keep the faith. Thank you, God.
Ameen.
Day 207
Towards The Vision (Keep The Faith)
It’s morning, but this one won’t be long. I have a lot to do today. Time to make some money.
I went to a meeting at this organization yesterday that helps people find jobs. The speaker was really funny. She talked about vision and how some of our visions had become dusty, like a picture hanging on the wall in our grandmother’s house. She talked about cleaning up our vision for our lives and seeing what’s really there and then making a move on it. She also encouraged us to make today a new day, and she said the measure of a new day is that you do something new in the day.
I liked her talk. My ego wants to say that I already knew all that, but I’m glad she said it yesterday. Put some things in perspective. My now former boss asked his secretary to contact me and ask me for the report that I made for him. The one that he threw back at me and told me he didn’t need. -_-
I remember why I checked out of the world. There’s a lot going on out there. It’s a lot for a hypersensitive soul like me. I was thinking about it, and realized that I almost let my former boss drag me into a really compromising situation. Why would I compromise myself like that for someone I don’t even care about? It’s the whole power thing. I felt like I had to do what he said because I worked for him. But that’s not true. I don’t have to do anything, especially not something that compromises my integrity. It’s a note to self, especially as I am coming back to work in a world that is not necessarily based on integrity.
And this is the new thing that I’m learning. This is the intentional thing for today. At some point, if you are brave enough to be sensitive and participate in the world, and if you have the audacity to open your mouth and say you are trying to create something good, you are going to have to take a stand for yourself.
Some people think kindness is weakness, and so, if you are kind (like I am), you are going to have to find a way to be kind, but also be kind to yourself. Don’t let people punk you. Don’t let people manipulate you into doing things that compromise who you are. There will be some guy with an agenda that tries to coerce you into doing something you know you don’t really want to do. There will be someone with control issues trying to get you on their team, especially if they think you are strong. It’s not about you. It’s about their ego. Recognize. Because if your entire life is about pleasing others, you’re most likely going to get played.
And we are taught that to think of oneself and put oneself first is selfish. I’m not talking about being selfish. I’m talking about standing up. Stand up! Stand up for your life. Stand up for your dreams. Be on your own side. Stand up. We all have a right, you see. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you’ve been through or your race or gender or how poor your momma was or what you’ve done in the past. We get this thing called a new day and we can literally turn it all around. Really. Every single thing can be healed. Every single thing can be changed, but you have to do the work for yourself. I believe it.
It may not be easy. You’re going to have to believe in the possibility of things you never experienced. There’s no way around it. If you don’t personally know a single person who has ever been in a loving, lasting relationship, but you want to create that for yourself, then you are going to have to be delusional for a while and believe that somewhere in the world, this magical thing called Love and Harmony exists and it’s possible for you. People will tell you, “Girl, just settle. Every guy’s gonna cheat. At least he takes care of you”. Their vision is only based on experience because they have no faith, and this is where you have to stand up for yourself. This is where you have to defend your own vision. You have to. I mean, you don’t have to. But I have to. Because my vision never goes away. I can put it on the shelf, run from it, ignore it, try to stomp it out, but it never goes away, and my vision for my life has nothing to do with what I’ve experienced. It has everything to do with what I would like to experience…
I still believe in Love and Reciprocity. I still believe in integrity. I still believe that I have books and songs and movies and projects that people in the world will Love and need and use. I still believe that joy is a necessary part of life and I believe in good food and clean air and nourishment. I believe in true happiness and people telling the truth and not trying to hurt each other and being there for each other. I believe in the possibility of goodness in spite of whatever I may have experienced in my life and I know that there is no way that I am alone…
This is my day today, God. I’m standing up. I thank you for that woman’s words yesterday. I thank you for my health and the clarity in my mind. I thank you for a place to live and eat and sleep. I thank you for the inspiration that you have put in my Spirit and I walk out into the world today knowing that my life is worth standing up for, knowing that I, too, am a good thing… Ameen.
Day 206
Stand Up
Good day. I’ve been trying to write this entry for a few days now, but nothing has been clear, so I’ve been waiting for something…
It’s been four days since I’ve had a good night’s sleep, but last night I slept really well. I dreamed of my father smiling with open arms. He was coming home. Sometimes I forget that I used to have a dad that loved the mess out of me. He comes to me even now, in my dreams and prayers, when I need it most, reminding me about love and happiness… Reminding me that someone loved me all the way for no good reason, without me doing anything… Reminding me that Love is important and possible, even for me.
Deep emotion is welled up within me. I think it’s Love. There’s a ridiculous amount of love in me…
I have been coming back to the world all this past week, and there were many adventures. There’s only one I’d like to remember. The day I stood up to “the man”. I finished my work exchange for my writing class, but right before I finished, my boss asked me to do an impossible project. I was supposed to find a top secret business plan and get it to him so that he could start a comparable business using the folk’s information. And of course, while finding the top secret information, I was just supposed to pretend that I am a novice seeking advice on how to start a business and not tell folks that I was doing this project for my boss. -_-
So, I did it. I found his business plan and went above and beyond. I ended up getting a meeting with some big time business owners under my novice pretense, and I found myself in a conundrum. The meeting was scheduled for four days after my last day of work… My boss wanted me to create a bigger lie and have him at the meeting, but I didn’t want to do that. I was sick of him and the whole lying thing, and I didn’t want to mess up my reputation with the real big timers. But I was also scared to mess up my relationship with my boss…
After completing his project, though, I actually realized that I was valuable and I could find information and make connections that other people have a very hard time making. So I decided to just be valuable since all evidence seemed to be pointing to the fact that I was valuable. I told my boss about my concerns, and he immediately jumped on the defense, good old fashioned Hollywood style, and told me to take the meeting on my own. Yes! I was glad. I get to tell the truth and make the meeting into something real that could be beneficial to me, instead of being used for evil purposes…
I was glad to be able to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself and thinking I’m worth sh*t has been an issue I’ve dealt with most of my life. It’s been a long life, y’all…
Today I went back and read over some of the exchanges I’ve had with people over the years: letters, emails, cards, texts… So many of them packed with such emotion. Faint memories of all the entanglements. What were we all so mad about? What were we all so passionate about? What did we all really want from each other? When you get down to the root of it, most of our disagreements have to do with control. We want another person to do (or not do) a thing and they aren’t getting with the program. And so we try to force, manipulate, and trick them into doing (or not doing) whatever it is we want. Of course, if it works, it only works temporarily, and if it doesn’t work, we get mad and try to punish people, etc. And when the power play fizzles out, we find new people to play with until we learn about this control thing. Some people never learn and they start wars and fights and have kids all in the name of whatever, but it’s really about control…
That’s what I learned this week. Our most precious gift is our free will. People will run away, cheat, steal, lie, fight, and even die to preserve their right to do what they want to do and be who they want to be. It’s really phenomenal and absurd when you think about it. I have been trying for so much time to force things. Change people. Make people. Care. Tell the truth. Love. Be there. Do this, that or the other. Don’t do this. Think this way. Build a thing with me. Be a thing for me. All in vain. All in vain… People are going to do what they want to do. Period. You can force and manipulate the weak for a while, but eventually, even if they have to do it in secret, people are going to do what they want to do.
It’s best if, when you want to do something, and you want to do it with someone, you find someone who wants to do what you want to do with you. It makes sense, right?
I think what happens is that people aren’t used to knowing what they want to do or be, and so we find someone to follow, a hero to tell us how to live our lives. But somewhere in the in-between when we start discovering ourselves, we find out that we don’t want to do what the heroes tell us to do. And then things fall apart because we have all of these relationships that were built upon unspoken power arrangements instead of harmonious consensus.
If we would take the time to really figure out what we want to do, and what’s important to us. And if we could just have an ounce of faith and believe that it is possible to find those who are on the same page as us, instead of trying to force folks to be a certain way, life could be so much easier.
Lord, You are in me today. All up in my tingling hands and my heart. This is the next thing I have come to. Using my will. Finally. Not in reaction to anyone else’s will, but in harmony with the intentions of those I interact with. Not in a power struggle. No more fight in me. Yes, I can maintain peace now. Yes, I can co-create sustainable love and friendships now. Yes, I can boldly present my gifts to the world. Yes, I can participate in Divine Abundance and accept that everything that I need to do my work is available to me.
No more crying. Use your will now. It is your greatest asset. I am ready now, God. I am ready. Give me something to work with…
Day 205
Use Your Own Will
Good morning World.
It’s before 7 am! I’m excited that I’m actually up and doing things. I’ve been having a hard time actually getting up when I said I will and doing what I planned for the past week or so.
It took everything for me to get up at 4:30 this morning, but I’m up. I’ve already done my prayers, yoga, and followed up on some pressing assignments. I’m back.
Yesterday was really hard. I had a conference call with my family about some ventures that we are about to embark upon as a group, and I was so aware of all of the underlying emotions that were driving certain aspects of the conversation. It was really disturbing to realize that I’ve been sitting over here in my own world singing kumbayah every day, but everyone in the family hasn’t been on that program, and some people don’t even want to be on that program.
This is called coming back to the world. Reality check. We think we know ourselves in our safe little environments, surrounded by all who would agree with us and champion our every thought. But we don’t really come to know who we are until we are challenged by those who disagree with us or don’t like us. I can sit up here and meditate and say “peace peace peace forgiveness” all day long, but can I really be peaceful in the midst of others who never even thought about bringing peace? When people are arguing and fighting and hating each other, and even hating me, will I give in to it and start fighting too and harboring new resentments or will I still be able to say “peace peace peace forgiveness”?
I think I can do it, God. No, I know I can do it. I can do it. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I’m coming back to the world, with all of the things You have been teaching me all of this time. I am choosing to live my life and bring the fullness of who I am back to the world. Here. Now. All of the Love. All of it. All of the courage. All of the strength. All of the genius that has been lying dormant in me for so long. All of it. Here. Now. Today.
At my spiritual center, the leader was talking about coming to the well the other day. I’d like to share with you what he said.
He was basically talking about how you can change your life, or your consciousness rather. He asserted that you may be able to “will” or manipulate your way into a temporary change in circumstances, but you will not be able to make any permanent change in your life until you change your state of consciousness. I agree with him.
So, on changing your consciousness, he said that the way to do it was to “go to the well” every day. Meaning, every day, before you get started with the worldly stuff, you sit down and deal with yourself. You sort out what’s happening in your mind and your emotions and you reach deep down into your spirit, either through prayer, meditation, reading or however you get in touch, and you bring forth whatever spiritual quality you know you need. And you know what you need. Sometimes it’s Peace of Mind. Abundance. Forgiveness. Faith. Love. Compassion… Sometimes it’s Clarity or Guidance…
He said, you go to the well of your soul and you stay there until you are nourished with what you need to start your day out right. This is where you can find the Truth and the Growth and the Change in the midst of all that is occurring in the outer world… I went there this morning and I found my Peace of Mind. I needed it. I’m coming back to the world and everyone doesn’t have peace of mind. And I’m not a baby anymore. I can’t just sequester myself to being around the peaceful people anymore. I have work to do…
Allah, I thank You for this time You have given me. This time that I have had to get to know myself. I thank You for leading me to a place of Inner Guidance and Peace and Acceptance. I thank you for this outlet that I have to sort myself out, and the energy to get off the bed even when I think it’s hard. I thank you for letting me know that anything is possible even when I think it’s hard, and that even my own thoughts have no power over me. There is a greater Power than all of our conditioning. There is a greater Truth than all of our coping mechanisms.
In the midst of it all, there is Grace. In the midst of it all, there is Guidance. There is Life waiting to unfold. I open my arms in receptivity and I say yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, Lord, I am willing to do my part. I am willing to live the life that I am truly destined to live. I am finally willing…
Day 204
On Coming Back To The World (Or Going To The Well)
Ok… There’s so much to write about today, that I’m not sure what to focus on. Darkness… I had such scary dreams last night. Attacks on me and my family. I am aware of darkness.
Having been in a bubble for about a year, I had forgotten about the real horrible things that exist in the world. I had forgotten that people who don’t even know you could possibly hate you and plot for your demise just because you say a thing they don’t agree with or just because you are a certain race or gender or age or because you come from a certain neighborhood. And let’s not talk about the people who do know you and might be jealous or bitter or hurt by something you did or didn’t do, sitting around planning to bust the windows out of your car or do something to get back at you… I am keenly aware of the darkness today.
“It’s about time!” my mind says… In my dreams, a strange thing happened. I mean, I had about three dreams in one, but in all of them, when the danger approached, I stood up to it. I didn’t run. I didn’t cry. I tried to fix things and I called the darkness by its name. I was a bonafide strong and powerful woman in my dreams, but I wasn’t a meanie or a destroyer. I saw what I could like being powerful and wow…
I think it’s about time I make a decision about power, or will. I’ve been avoiding this topic for some time, because it’s such a touchy subject. I was taught that power had a negative connotation. Power was for evil people who wanted to control others and selfish people who wanted others to do their bidding. In the past, if ever someone called me powerful, I felt insulted, and automatically looked at them like they were evil, all caught up on power and stuff. But today I have to look at this word, because it’s an important one…
I went and spoke to this healer lady a long time ago, and she told me that she felt like I had been keeping a big secret all my life. She said that I had been playing small because I didn’t want people to know that I was powerful and I could do stuff. I was afraid that if people knew, they would try to harm me because I didn’t get with their program or they wouldn’t like me because they would think I thought I was too good or whatever. She was right.
I love dreams…
I have been afraid of stepping into my own power. I have been afraid of using my own will. In the culture I grew up in, I was taught that good women don’t really do all that. Good women do what their parents say and then when they get old enough, they get married and do what their husbands say. Having your own will and doing what you think is best for you, especially if it opposes what your parents want, equals being a bad woman. And I always wanted to be good.
And I see today that good is so relative… Hmmm… It has come to this. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about other people’s concepts of good and evil. I don’t care about what a woman my age from where I’m from is supposed to do or be. I am aware of the society I live in, but I don’t care about being ruled by society’s constraints anymore. I don’t care about the men from my past anymore, constantly coming back around trying to hold me in a thing that doesn’t give life. I’m not asking for permission to be free anymore. I’m setting myself free!
That’s it. Why have I been asking others for permission to be myself all this time? Why have I been letting these men and all these dark things dictate my experience on Earth? Constantly running from things and getting wrapped up in everything that keeps me stuck? I have been shirking my own power. I have not wanted to admit that I’m the boss of my own life. I have been afraid that if I say “I’m the boss” too loud then someone might hear me. I have been afraid that saying I have power is blasphemy. But You gave us a will, God. You gave us a will so that we could use it.
No longer will I run from demons. They can run from me now, because I am powerful. I accept it. I proclaim it. I announce it out loud, come what may. I am powerful. I have stuff to do here and I need my will and my power to do it. I am not ashamed anymore. I’ve got a life to live and I need my power, Lord. You provide the way, Oh Creator Of The Heavens And The Earth and Everything Above, Below and In-Between. I am speaking my will today. I am standing up for myself. I am on my own side. Not in a selfish way. Not with an ego. Not because I want to be “better than”.
I am standing up for myself because it is the only way I can be myself. I am announcing my will because I am responsible for creating my own destiny and without announcing my own will, I will be subject to the will of all who seek to interfere on my path. No. They have no power over me. The past has no power over me. I do not need anyone’s permission to let it go. I let it go in peace now. I step into my own shoes now. I step into my soul’s purpose on Earth, oh Lord, now and forever more. I now embody my Spirit…
Day 203
With Power
Really different kind of day today… Ran into so many people… An ex who I haven’t talked to in years called me trying to get back together. Bumped into an old almost-friend at the grocery store, and got a call from my God-kids’ father, who I haven’t spoken to in months… Got into a text argument with an ex almost-boyfriend and met a nice robust man with great skin at my spiritual center…
At my spiritual center, right before we were all asked to hold hands and pray together, and old man who smelled like smoke walked in and sat behind me. He reached his hands around me, enveloping me, and put his hands on top of mine. Then he rested his head on the back of my neck… I looked at his hands. They were dirty and bruised. I wasn’t sure if I should push him off of me or pray for him, so I asked God to take over, and I prayed my heart out while internally saying “shield of light, shield of light” to myself. The man left immediately after the prayer. It was so strange. Seemed like he had only come in there so he could pray with someone…
Men. They have been the bane of my existence thus far. I start doing well and it’s like they sniff the air and come flocking into my life. I am afraid of them. They hurt people. They lie. They are only about self. I guess I’m supposed to want to be with a man again by now, but I am so scared of them, God. I feel like if I open my life to them, I’m going to start doing bad again, and I’m just now finally starting to do well… I’m so sick of men…
God, You are telling me that I’m going to have to deal with them once and for all, but the thought makes me tired. I want to think about something else. They make me cry. You tell me to stop hating them…
Ugh.
Really? Men = betrayal, disappointment, and abandonment in my mind. I’m going to have to confront my feelings, aren’t I? Geez… Men make me cry. Even thinking about them makes me cry. They make me feel so sad about everything.
I’m looking at myself from the outside and I’m saying, this woman has been through too much. Give her some rest now. Give me some rest, God. I am too sensitive for some of the things that happen in this world. I feel things too deeply. I don’t want to be a coward and run away from relating to others, but I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak. Do you know my heart was broken the last time I was in a relationship? I try to act all tough and strong about things, but my heart was really broken, and a little piece of it breaks every time someone I care about is mean to me or they treat me like sh*t or just disappear on me… It breaks every time.
And I don’t want to toughen up. Nope. It just makes you have a big old wall around you and you can’t feel anything. I don’t want to be like that. So… I’m coming back to the world, God. I’m coming back to relating and interacting with so many people every day, and I’m coming back to opening myself to the men. I need You to be with me, because I’m not quite sure how to do this and be safe and be happy. I’m different now. I like myself now. I can’t put up with all the nonsense that people bring. I’m trying this shield of light thing, but I’m not good at it yet…
People kept telling me that I was radiant today… They don’t know how much work it has taken for me to even start to feel good about myself. They don’t know how afraid I am of being hurt (unless they read this blog, lol).
So. This is the hardest part. I hate being all vulnerable… How do I deal with the evil men?
-First, stop calling them evil. They are human, like you.
But…
-Then, Love Yourself. You have been wanting to say this aloud for a long time. Love Yourself. You know what that means now. Love Yourself. It doesn’t mean don’t love anyone else. If you Love Yourself you are going to love others by default. Allow Me to apologize on their behalf. You will understand the blessings in your misadventures one day, but for now, Forgive them. Look at their lives. Mired in confusion and pain. They know not what they do. Forgive them and give Me your pain. I will carry it now. I will take it from you. Give me your fears. They will not hurt you any more. They can not. You Love Yourself too much to let them. The residue of your past falling away now… Let it fall…
– I know you believe that men are evil and hurtful and selfish and mean and they make you cry, and all of those things are true, but they are also good and helpful and selfless and kind and they can lift you up. They are loyal and there for you and the men in your life from this point forward stay when the going gets tough. Those kinds of men exist just as surely as you do. Will you allow yourself to know the good guys now?
Yes.
-Will you give yourself permission to be lathered with a greater Love than you can even imagine?
I don’t even believe that could happen to me.
-You don’t have to believe. Just allow. Defer to Your spirit and allow Grace to take over. There is nothing to be afraid of. Do you see? You have come to know what you know, and you know… Defer to your spirit and all will be well…
Ameen.
Day 202
Defer To The Spirit
Yes…
I’m rewriting this entry, doing this intentional writing thing. Sometimes I start out with a lot of rambling, and I have to ramble to get through my thoughts until I come to the place where I am clear about what I want to say. There is beauty in saying a thing on purpose, and there is also much to be admired about spontaneity. I seek to blend the two…
Good morning, world. I’m in Love today. With nothing in particular. I am so glad to be here in a new day in a new year. I am so alive right now… When I go back and read my entries, I realize that a lot actually happens in a week. A lot happens in a day. This holiday season has been fantastic. I wasn’t depressed or desperate. I’m really proud of myself. I have to give myself credit if no one else will. I’ve come a long way on this adventure, and I have finally reached the point of no return.
It’s like I’ve been climbing uphill all this time, with all this baggage. All this pain and fear and resentment and sadness, these deep doubts and lack of faith in myself… All of this has been with me for quite some time, but most of it is gone now. And it’s like I’m standing on the peak of a mountain, looking back at everything that has transpired in this year alone. I don’t regret anything, but there is nothing that I want to go back to. In the past, this would make me afraid, you know? Everything that has been your life is no longer your life and you are not sure what your new life will consist of.
Well, today, I’m excited about this prospect of a new life, instead of being afraid. I’m excited about being so unencumbered. I’m excited about my plans, but moreover I am excited about my belief in my ability to move my plans from plans to reality. I am excited about the deep sense of contentment that is not dependent on conditions that has been welling up in me all along.
I am glad to be here, God. I want to remember this day. I haven’t been out of the house yet today, but I’ve already been a lot of places. I want to remember this feeling of freedom that I feel right now. It’s Lovely. I’m happy today for no good reason. This is me. The girl (or should I say woman now) who used to cry every day. This is me. The girl who always thought she wasn’t good enough for anything. Oh, today I feel like I am worthy of this peaceful feeling. I know that I deserve it. Thank You, God…
Freedom. Self-love. Power. A shield of light. That’s it! How you stay open and yet protect yourself from those who would seek to destroy or harm you. A shield of light! Dig deep and find the good in you. It’s there. People will test you. Other folks aren’t going to stop doing whatever they do just because you decided to change. But if you bring out the good in you, and don’t worry about those others, then they will go their own way. Or, you will finally love yourself enough to demand to be respected and loved by those you invite into your inner circle. You will no longer hang out with folks that make your belly hurt, or people who suck the life out of you and offer nothing to nourish. You. Me. Our thoughts about ourselves. Our convictions. We are our own shields and protectors, and soon we will shine so bright that the darkness will not be able to survive in our presence…
May this be the Year of all Years. May it be the day of all days for us to shine. In Truth. For us to Love. For real. For us to present and express to each other that which is seeking and dying to come out of us. May we know once and for all what it means to have a life that we Love…
Ameen.
Day 201
A Shield Of Light
Rewriting… I just deleted a 600 word pity party entry that I wrote while crying my eyes out. I haven’t had a good “woe is me” cry in a while, so that was refreshing…
Now let’s get back to business. I must tell you that as I’m writing I’m feeling a little low. What sets off these mood swings? Oh, yes. I recently got rejected for a job I thought I was going to get. I’m so mad. I think borderline bitter… Hmm…
People keep texting and calling asking me to do recreational stuff. I just got another text asking me to do something. I’m about to explode. No one ever believes me when I say I’m not doing well, but I’m not doing too well today, God. You know what’s up. I’m about to explode.
Help me. Please. Help. Me. Please. Please…
I am not doing well… On the inside my conscience is more clear than it’s ever been and I don’t have any personal drama any more and I have really cool family and the friends that I do have are phenomenal, but on the outside I am not doing well. Still not making enough income to get above a negative net any time soon, still no man, still no writing success, still have people looking to me to support and help and lead and I’m not able to do it…
I am feeling frustrated and weak, God, and I need Your help. I don’t know what to do to make things happen. I don’t know which direction to take to make money. These jobs keep rejecting me, and the little gigs that I get on my own always seem to be barely enough. And a good relationship with the kind of man I’d like? I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to pull that one off. My faith is waning
I am tired of asking people to help me pay for stuff. It makes me feel like a loser. I am tired of staying at other people’s places because I can’t pay the rent at my own apartment… I’m not trying to run any more or avoid my issues. I’m trying to face them, God, and get over them, but I don’t know how. I really don’t know what to do to get out of this rut, and I have no one to look to. Everyone has an opinion based on their own values, but their values are not my values…
I know I can’t just sit around and do nothing, but I feel powerless and trapped right now. Please help me. I’m not quitting. I refuse. And I’m not doing this thing where I work a job I hate forever and don’t live my purpose just so I can have a fancy house and act successful and keep myself so busy that I never really have time to think about what I’m here for. Can’t do it. I’m not doing it. That’s not what my life is about. You told me that I had stuff to do here. I thought You told me, God. I thought I had stuff to do here. Why are You making it so hard for me to do it?
You say You are teaching me about strength and power and resistance and faith, and that is fine by me. It is fine by me to learn all these lessons. I will learn them. I have nothing to lose at this point. I will lock myself in a room and write all day or go work at McDonald’s or date or not date or stay here or move wherever or stop eating meat or drink a gallon of water a day or whatever. I’ll go pray wherever to whoever or not pray at all. It’s ok with me. I’m not scared to do what You ask of me, but I need to know what to do. That’s all.
My heart is so open right now. I never thought I’d be at a place in life where I have nothing to lose. Is this the place of choice that I’ve read about? Is this the place where I get to use my will? Let’s do it then. It’s tricky, though, God. How do I operate from a place outside of survival mode when I am in desperate need of survival stuff? You are telling me that I am not in desperate need. I have food and shelter and clothes and water. I can look outside of myself and talk about what everyone else needs to do in order for them to have fulfilled lives. Now time to look at myself. For real.
What do I really need to do? Get a job? No and yes. A job will make people respect me and not look at me like I’m a loser. But what do I really need to do for my life? If I really want to be a professional writer and do all this heal the world stuff and have a fabulous man? I need to get moving on the latter three things and complete my efforts in those areas. I have been somewhat kind of putting effort in different areas, but nothing is complete, and if I was looking at myself from the outside, I would say complete one thing at a time. Finish the list. One thing at a time. The rest will fall into place by virtue of the others. Completion begets completion. But how do you decide which one to complete first?
-Good question. You address the most immediate need first, but don’t let it consume you. Today, Laydie, you are going to get organized. It is necessary. You are ready now. You no longer give in to despair. You no longer look to those outside of you to guide You. You see that you are enough, and you are willing to give it all and give it all up to manifest your destiny. Now We can do some real work. So, step one…
Day 200
Plan
I’ve been reading The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes lately…
It’s afternoon. A lovely day so far. Prayer and meditation. A walk in the sun. Good reading. Talked to some folks on the phone. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the peanut butter and bread that I like. Sentence fragments that feel whole…
They say the end of the world is coming tomorrow, whoever “they” are. Sometimes I sit around and look for sadness, my longtime companion. He is nowhere to be found. I look for someone to be mad at, but I’m not angry. I look for a reason to complain, but how can I complain when I just ate such a good sandwich and the sun shining is so beautifully today?
This is one of those days, God. An alive day. I feel lucky to be alive. To still be here. My life is nothing like I imagined it would be, but I feel so grateful to just be here today with a clear mind and a clean heart…
Family is on my mind. Love. Children. Sharing. There’s nothing to cry about anymore, and if the world really did end tomorrow, it would be all right with me. I’ve said all I wanted to say to everyone I wanted to say it to. I’ve danced my heart out, and Lord knows I’ve tried my best at a lot of things…
My friend apologized the other day. He meant it. I think he kind of understood what he did, but it doesn’t matter if he ever changes. He understood that he had disappointed me, and he was sorry for letting me down. And he made it up to me. And that was cool. That he cared enough to consider me. I forgive him. He’s a flake so I won’t count on him for stuff but he has good qualities, too, including a heart of gold, humility and such a kind spirit… I’ll keep the friend door open.
My life is changing before my very eyes. I am changing before my very eyes. I’m not the same anymore… I actually care about myself now, and I actually care about other people. I’m not afraid of what tomorrow will bring. You said you will take care of me, God, and I trust You. I believe You for the first time ever. It is the end of my world as I know it. I know it…
“But what’s so special about today?” my mind asks.
– “You are like the flower in your kitchen,” You say. You are me. The part of me that knows what it knows.
-That flower has been growing every day, since the day you got it and it looked like a muddy little root. So today is just like every other day. You drink water. You feel the sun on your face. You grow. But today, just like the flower in yur kitchen, you see your blossoming. That is why you are so alive. You are aware of what has become of you. You see your heart, and you see that if the world was going to end today, you could actually look Me in the face and say that You tried. And try you did, baby. Try you did.
– I know you are on an intentional adventure, but in the midst of setting all of your intentions, please do not forget to enjoy the ride. You have prayed already. You have prayed and prayed and I have heard you time and time again. And I have tested you with things from your past time and time again and this time you have shown growth and strength. And you have demonstrated humility and faith and Love. You have faced your fears and stared them down and you have seen that they have no power over you. No, you are not delusional. You are learning how to distinguish between inspiration and ego. Trust… The thing about a life is, you never know what’s going to come of it until the end. As you have seen, one day, or one decade, you may feel like you’re floating on top of the world and the next you are drowning in a sea.
– So hold back your judgements, and your comparisons and your things that you should have done by this and that time and the other. It’s not over yet. You do your best, you hear me? There’s no one to fight any more. You open your big ol’ heart and you Love some more and some more and some more. Your Love is your saving grace. They will talk about you and say you are crazy and all sorts of things, but they are rooting for you, because deep down, they hope that the good in all of Us will one day win. Contrary to everything we say, deep down, we secretly want to believe in something good..
-You go ahead, Laydie. The seeds have already been planted. You have already prayed. You know what’s good for you. There’s no debate about it. You know what feeds your soul, and your faith is finally stronger than your fear. You know what to do in your day and how to spend your time, and you even know who to spend it with. Let’s take action now. With ease and grace. We have done a lot of work. Now let our actions and our words and our thoughts reflect that which we have learned. Live your life. Now. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s okay to be happy and good and free and successful. It’s okay to love and be loved and have real friends and be supported and supportive and eat the things you want to eat. You prayed for this, remember? It’s okay to live the life you are destined to live. I am answering your prayers. Let it be. Today, today, today, and every day for ever more…
Ameen.
Day 199
It Ain’t Over (Till It’s Over)
Well,
Yesterday kind of went as planned. I sent out an email that I had been planning to send for some time… But the rest of the day didn’t quite pan out like I had seen in my head. I went to the Writer’s Guild library, where writers write, so I could work on my script, but when I got there, they told me that it was closed early due to some special event… Then I was supposed to spend time with a good friend of mine who’s in town and do alive stuff together, but he flaked on me. He kept saying he was going to come by and never did, so I spent about six hours at home just cleaning up and talking on the phone until I got sad and went to sleep…
Then this morning I sent him a sad face text. He called and made excuses as to why he didn’t show up yesterday. No apology for not calling and canceling. Then he asked to hang out today. And I’m getting mad as I’m typing. I told him yes we could hang out, but I’m about to cancel. No apology. Things happen. I understand. But I can’t get past this thing that people do. This disappointing each other, offering no apologies, and then expecting folks to want to be around you… I can’t get over the fact that I actually accept that kind of treatment…. Hold on. I’m about to call him…
So I called and of course he has all kinds of reasons and excuses as to why he couldn’t just pick up a phone and tell me that plans had changed. And of course there are reasons. A phone wasn’t working. A meeting ran late. This, that and the other. But guess what I know? If I had a bunch of money for him and he couldn’t make it, he would have found a way to let me know he was canceling. If this was an important business meeting that he couldn’t make, he would have done everything he could to make sure that he had come or at least let me know that he wasn’t coming. I’m upset because this, too, is the story of my life…
People I care about just think it’s so ok to flake on me. Just not show up or disappear. Just don’t do what they say they are going to do and don’t even say sorry about it. Just look at my phone call, knowing we’ve made plans, and push reject. And I am sitting here like, what is it about me that I attract these kinds of people? I mean, I know it’s not personal. They are flakes in all areas of their lives unless they think that their flakiness will have a severe negative impact on their livelihood. But it is personal, because I’m the dummy that actually comes close to these people and relies on them when I know how they are. When I know that there are other kinds of people in the world that I can be close to. Non flakes…
My friend is never going to say sorry. None of the flakes I know will. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior and they never will unless they want to. When you meet or know a person that goes years upon years without ever saying sorry to anyone for anything, you better believe that that person is thoroughly invested in a self identity that includes them always being right about everything. Who I am to tell someone that they need to change their whole self identity? Really?
So, that’s my morning so far, God. Let’s turn it around and make it a good day, please. Another friend of mine just made it into town and literally texted me this morning. This friend is actually more reliable and considerate than me.
I think I attach to flakes because I want to teach them a lesson, “show them”, make them stop being like that, but I can let that go right here and now. I let go of the need to teach people lessons. I let go of the need to try and mold people and make them into a thing that I think they are. I let go of the need to be disappointed. I let go of the need for negative and dysfunctional relationships in this instance right here and right now, God. I see that my life is coming full circle and everything is being dug up and addressed and I allow it to be.
I allow a healing and a true transformation to take place. No more drama. Like Mary J Blige said, “No more drama in my life”. I’ll get a job in a community center or school if I want to help people get over their issues, but in my personal life, I’m not trying to be the teacher. I’m not trying to help you learn how to be nice to folks or inspire you to be happy and get your life together. It’s your job to make yourself into a cool, likable, reliable, giving person if you want to have a cool friend like me.
So this is my on purpose intentional lesson to myself on this day. If people treat you bad, you can tell them. Please tell them before you run, because maybe they don’t see it. But if, after you have told them, they make no apologies and show no signs of trying to change, leave them alone. They are going to keep treating you bad. They are not going to change unless and until they decide for themselves that they want to change… And they can meet you on the other side of happy if they choose to..
I’m on a mission here. Happiness and peace of mind. Progress and transformation. Healthy relationships infused with kindness, forgiveness, and mutual goodwill… No more drama in my life, Lord. No more drama…
Day 198
No More Drama
