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Day 218 – Call It Quits When You’re Done

March 9, 2013

A lot happened today. My car got towed. I went to a dance audition. I made an actual female friend. I let myself be slightly vulnerable to someone new…

Yeah, I cried when I walked out on the street and my car was gone, but so? And? The day is not over and I still have to do my creative writing and prep for some house guests who will be visiting. I’m sorting out my thoughts before I start part two of the day.

After hearing about my car getting towed, some of my family suggested that I pack it up and come back home. Things just don’t seem to be working out for me here, they said. And yes, they are right. It has been a while since I’ve had a bunch of money like I used to have. It’s been a while since I’ve bought new shoes and fancy clothes and pretty furniture. It’s been a while, and it would appear as if it’s about that time to call it quits…

But somehow, I don’t feel like calling it quits or running anywhere. There was a time when I couldn’t force myself to get off the bed or take any action towards the realization of my dreams, but today I felt invigorated, and despite all appearances, for the first time in a long time, things feel like they are looking up. I know. Crazy, right? My car gets towed and I say things are looking up. But I know they are…

I’m closing my eyes so I can see better… How do we know? How do we know when to keep going and when to throw in the towel? How do we know when to pack our bags and say, this just isn’t working. Enough is enough. How do we know where to go for guidance? How do we distinguish the voice of God from the voice of the devil or how to we even decide whether or not we believe in God or the devil?

Everything boils down to one thing: choice. My car got towed today and my money is funny. But in this apartment, with the white walls and big windows, I have come of age. Here in the city of angels I have learned about angels and so much more. And I’m not finished yet. I’m just getting started. I’m not afraid of failure anymore. Hallelujah! Let me say that again. I am not afraid of failure. There is no such thing as failure if you finish the race and give yourself a chance. You would have succeeded in doing your best. The rest isn’t up to you.

Somehow I think that in the midst of doing our best, life takes on a different color. We are well pleased with ourselves because we tried. We tried. We didn’t just give up on our dreams because of a towed car or a broken heart! Come on. Really? Because of one incident, or heck, one year, we make these choices to live a mediocre life that never fills us up.

I refuse. I refuse. I refuse to quit. Let’s make that an affirmation. I choose to finish. I choose to finish what I started. For once in my life. Come what may. I’m not afraid anymore. I choose to give even more because I can. That’s just it. I can. I choose to be talented and strong and powerful because I am. We all are. I choose it even in this moment of doubt, God, because I know that all moments are about choices.

You gave me a Vision. You gifted me with a Vision for my life. You put words in my heart and understanding in my Spirit. You have showed me so much Love and so much Grace and blessed me with people. Good people… I am so grateful. I will not dishonor You by throwing in the towel. I will not shoot myself in the foot by closing my heart. I will not pretend that I know it all, but I will stand up for what I know I know.

And, like Eminem said, I know one thing for sure. Success is my only option. By success, I don’t mean fancy houses and a publishing deal. I mean finishing what I started. I mean giving myself a chance to have my heart’s deepest desires.

When you look at it from the outside, it’s kind of funny. We pretend to give up on so many things. Love. Our passions. Knowledge of Self. Success. We act like we are done going on whatever path, but deep down, we never stop. The artists don’t stop drawing pretty pictures. The writers don’t stop writing, if even in their secret journals. The passionate Lovers don’t stop Loving, even if they are having affairs. And the Believers don’t stop Believing. So why don’t we just keep going? Why do we quit on ourselves when we’re not really done? We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, it becomes hard to know what is true and who we are…Life is gonna have it’s hard times anyway. It’s much easier to struggle when the struggle is for something you believe in…

When I look back at all the moments, years of emotional agony, years of not loving myself, years of not being happy, years of trying to live up to someone else’s standard for my life, years of being closed in and afraid to be myself, years of confusion, I am grateful beyond words for this day. Today my car got towed and I didn’t go into a depressive coma over it. I didn’t throw in the towel and run to my momma. I didn’t ask some dude I don’t like to hold me. I went to a dance audition and made a new friend instead. In this moment, I am choosing to give myself a full-fledged chance at living my dreams and because of that choice, I can do nothing but finish and open and grow and let go and let You, God, have Your way with me.

Sometimes we are actually done with a thing. A relationship, a path, a place… But we know when we’re done and it has nothing to with anything anyone says. We know when it’s time to throw in the towel and we know when our soul is calling on us to finish. We can stop being wishy washy. We know what to do. We were not created without the ability to make good decisions. We know when to stop. But until then, I say keep going…

Day 218

Call It Quits When You’re Done

 

 

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One Comment
  1. nicely put, it takes so long to come to that realization.

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