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Day 215 – In The Meantime (Find Nourishment. Stay Alive.)

March 3, 2013

Hi There.

I spent my first night at home last night. The first night in a couple of months… This is home now. This apartment is my home.

The sun came through the windows and lit up the whole apartment around sunrise. I can breathe easy here. What a difference a cat or mold or sunlight or dust or wood floors or carpet or the presence of someone else can make…

I went on a first date yesterday. I don’t like him. I mean, he’s likeable, but I’m not moved by him in any direction… I only watch one TV show one time a week and the other day, a new episode didn’t come on. They said they would have any new episodes until the end of month, and I’m like “Where am I supposed to go to get my weekly dose of drama???”

Things are kind of boring over here. For the past two weeks, I’ve just been working and working and working a lot, and that’s progress, but I don’t feel excited about it. I think a lot of times we create drama and chaos in our lives because we just want to feel something. I’m over the whole drama thing, but I would like to feel alive, God.

I’ve felt that way before. I have felt alive and excited and been inspired by the presence of others before. Can I have some of that again, please? Some electricity? Some excitement? Something to feel passionate about?

What do you do when you’re “in the meantime” of your life, God? I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not crying every day, at least not sad cries. I don’t do dysfunctional relationships anymore and I’m aware of the difference between givers and takers. I Love on purpose these days and I even allow myself to be vulnerable on purpose. And I’m not even interested in being “sorry” anymore. I recognize the possibility of a good life and I even believe that my life is changing even as I type…

But I’m still not there yet. I am “in the meantime” looking on the other side at all that could be. I am walking, but still, I am not there yet. I miss the excitement of really Loving someone. I miss certain people in my life. I miss…. Ha ha! I just got a text from one of the people I miss…

And just like that, my tone is changed. That’s what I’m talking about! We feed each other, with our presence, our words, our thoughts, our actions. In the meantime, find nourishment. That’s it. In the meantime, find nourishment. Eat an apple or a mango or an avocado. Drink some water. Go to a park. Give Love to something that doesn’t hurt you. Do not resort to negative drama, random busyness, pity parties or purposeless martyrdom to feel alive. Loveless, uninspired interactions with others only drain and serve to establish a vibration of sadness.

Find nourishment. Give nourishment to someone on purpose. Create a space of aliveness in your own environment. Do not wait to sink before you start to swim. Do not wait for a hero or some thing to happen.

I know, it’s crazy to get excited if you don’t see anything in your life to get excited about. But if you keep looking, if you look really really hard, you will find at least one thing somewhere that might ignite a feeling of gratitude and aliveness. A simple text from someone you adore, a book, your own self and everything we have been and everything we are and everything we are becoming. We’ve got a find a way to stay alive, not just drifting and hurting and barely breathing, but to staying alive even when our lives don’t look like we imagined. I know that where there is a willingness, there is a way, and I thank You, God, for this deep knowingness, this deep faith that You are growing in me that gets me through any day…

I am grateful, God, for this one moment of excitement, just as I was beginning to doubt. I am grateful for my life… Ameen.

Day 215

In The Meantime (Find Nourishment. Stay Alive)

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