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Day 220 – Words and Images (Mind Stuffs)

March 25, 2013

Hi There!

I’m home alone and not super busy. I’ve been super busy every day for a couple of weeks now. Working. Looking for work. Working on creative projects. Planning international trip and fundraising efforts. Cleaning. Spending time with family and friends.

I’ve actually been super busy. Super busy is good, but I like quiet moments like this, too, when there’s nothing but me sitting in the dark with a candle and I can check in with Myself. I can see what all the busyness is about and make real choices. I Love moments like this. I’ll be busy in about an hour, so this one won’t be a long one.

I’m good today, God. I’ve been good for a while. By good I mean… Well, you know what I mean. My mind has been at peace. I’m not at war with anyone. I have energy to do the work I like to do and I have had support from the best of supporters, my good friends and family.

Old demons come my way from time to time in the form of doubts, ex’s and new men who don’t want anything except to take and manipulate, sometimes a bill is due and gas is running low and I worry and think about running back to my momma where everything is safe, but those moments don’t last so long anymore. I am beginning to know that I am safe no matter what…

The other day my tire went flat. There was a nail in it and I know that tires can simply be patched if you have a nail where the nail in my tire was. The Triple A guy came and tried to convince me that I needed to get a whole brand new tire. I felt alone, and I felt sorry for myself that I was a woman alone in a big city, because men often think that a woman alone is like a sheep to be devoured. In the past, I would have tried to act like a man and argue and outsmart the Triple A guy, but this time, I just decided to be a woman alone, because that’s what I am. I’m not alone alone, but you get it. I didn’t have my dad or my brother or my husband or boyfriend to call when my tire went flat. I had to handle the situation on my own, as a woman. So I made a choice. I decided that I was going to handle the situation just as I am. A woman. A sweet, kind woman who knows what’s up with her tire… So, I wasn’t mean. I didn’t argue or get an attitude. I stayed sweet and I simply told him that I didn’t want to get a new tire. I wanted to get my tire patched. And that’s what we did. I was proud that I could do stuff on my own, as a grown up…

I had meant for this blog to be about words and images. They’ve been on my mind for some time.I’m learning a lot these days. I’ve been doing “spiritual counseling” sessions with my therapist friend for the past few weeks. I can’t even explain to you how it works, nor do I even know if it does work, because the evidence of it working would be the complete transformation of my life, and that hasn’t happened on the outside yet, but something is working, because the situations that would have made me go into a depressed coma some time ago are not affecting me in the same way anymore. I am able to keep moving in spite of whatever emotions or circumstances I encounter and I don’t even feel like I’m faking it…

I want to tell you something I learned. In our sessions, we usually start by me getting into a meditative state. Then my friend will say, “I’m going to drop a word into your mind.” He will say a word like “money” or “love” or “ease” or “success” or “guidance” and then I will tell him the image that pops up in my head. Then he guides me through a process where I release all ties I have with this image until I come to a place where I am able to give and receive Love to this image. I don’t know what any of it means, but I do know that during the process, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel completely euphoric and one time I even threw up.

So one day I asked him, “What is going on with this? How is it that I’m experiencing all of these emotions and feelings, when all we’re dealing with is words and images?” And he asked me what the mind is made up of. I said muscle and tissue and he said, muscle and tissue is the brain, but what is the mind made of? And that was it! Words and images. Our entire mind is made up of words and images, memories and perceptions. We walk through the Earth with so much baggage, but everything we experience, every sensation, is in our minds. A body alone is nothing. You can slap a corpse in the face, kick it, talk about it, not give it any food, and nothing will happen. It is the words and images in our mind that make up our experience. This was a brand new realization for me, because it meant that if I could change the words and images, or if I could change the way I felt about certain words and images, I could in essence change my life. And that’s what I’ve been doing.

I have been cleaning up all of the words and all of the images in my brain that destroy. All of the perceptions that limit. All of the ugliness and hurt that takes away my smile. I have been forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving until I get tired of forgiving. And then I have been forgiving some more. I want my mind to be like a garden, not like a twisted maze full of resentments and plots and dark places and fears. No. How can I create anything good if I’m starting off with dry soil and ragged places? A cleansing has to take place. A detox. A removing and repairing of the words and images that have defined who we are for so long and dictated the creation of lives we are not satisfied with. And we will never be satisfied until our lives reflect the Truth of who we are.

I don’t even understand what this means all the way, but I know it’s true. I know it’s true because I am experiencing such a radical shift in awareness even as I type these words. It’s not that my situation has changed, but my mind! My mind is clean and clear (or at least on it’s way). My heart is big and open. I respect myself and so I do damage mitigation in advance and don’t allow destructive forces into my space. And if they manage to get in during one of my weak moments, I kindly ask them to leave.

I could go on and on. My friend was right. I am forgetting all of the sad things I used to feel. I go certain places I used to go and talk to certain people that I used to talk to, and I can’t believe that was me, so caught up on fighting, so caught up on sadness, so caught up on everything yet nothing, so stuck in my head, as if the entire world were only made up of my experience. The entire Universe is made up of so much more than I have ever thought of or seen. I have experienced so much Love already, God. I have experienced such true friendships. I have shared from the depth of my being with people, and I never knew it could be me. I never imagined that this kind of life, this kind of way, existed. I didn’t have the words or the pictures, but you placed them in my spirit and then I saw them in my mind and now they are becoming my life and I am so grateful for every single day. Every single day. I don’t care if I’m crying or whatever or if I do something “stupid” or take a long time to get other things done. I am still here and You are working magic on me and I surrender to all that must be done.

And boy, boy, boy, when the work is done… It was worth a broken heart. It was worth being poor. It was worth being rejected and abandoned and betrayed and whatever else. How else could I understand? How else could I feel compassion for the people that I am about to be serving? I might have looked down on them had I not experienced some of the things they experienced. I might have been in a worse condition than them had I been through what they had been through Everything I have ever experienced was worth it for this moment of understanding right now.

The truth of your life is more than the current emotion that you feel. The truth of your Life is more than the flesh. There is freedom in this place. I can smell it. There is a Divine alignment that is for us. It is! You won’t believe me until I am rich and famous and I have my handsome man and kids and I’m running a big organization that heals the world, but I’m telling you now because I know it now. I don’t care what has happened. As long as we are breathing, there is no place where hope can not find you. There is no good that is too good for us. We are worth it. Our lives our worth it. If only we would let them be…

Day 220

Words and Images (Mind Stuffs)

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