Day 221 – When Your Heart Isn’t In It

So. Can we say breakdown? Crossroads? Reevaluation time?

I went to two job interviews yesterday. I thought I had at least one of them in the bag. The verdict is still out, but the interviewer didn’t say, “start tomorrow.”

My international community building project is getting legs. It’s moving. I was asked to be the CEO and now I have been asked if, when I go overseas in May, I would like to stay indefinitely to oversee the development of the project. I am here. I live my days struggling. I came here for a reason, to go to school. Then I stayed because I had access to all the people I needed to know and workshops and events and collaborations and writing ops out here in LA. But now I don’t know if being here is necessary. As a writer, you have to write. That’s it. You have to have a nice portfolio of work to present to people. If you don’t have that, it doesn’t matter who you meet. The proof of your merit is in the pudding. I’ve taken the classes. I’ve met the people. Now, my task at hand is really just to polish some stuff and submit it. I feel confident in my ability to do well on the projects I’m working on. I’m not a screenwriter Master yet, but I’m on my way.

But something happened yesterday when I got invited to stay overseas indefinitely. My heart broke. I thought about what would really happen when I go overseas. The mosquitos. The government corruption. The abject poverty. The culture that doesn’t really respect women. I got scared. Who did I think I was to try and change any of this? I mean, really, who do I think I am and what am I going to do? How dare I think I can uplift these people when I can’t even get a job? These were the thoughts that ran through my head. But it didn’t stop there.

I thought about Dream Lover. I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. He abandoned me. But I remembered how I felt when we were talking about our life plans and he said, “let’s go overseas and adopt a village and make the world a better place”. It seemed so romantic. It seemed like the perfect thing to do with my life. Everything seemed possible because he was strong and he knew how to get things done and I was happy with him.

And my heart broke. Because he wasn’t here. Because no one is here. And I don’t know what to do. I am not running from anything, but nothing is pulling me anywhere, either. I realized that what I want more than anything in the world is Love. A partner. Someone to build with. A partner to live out my dreams with… But no one is here.

One of my team members on project international save the world had an issue with the people that we are seeking help from. She said that she would rather seek help from people that are a part of her religious affiliation first than seek help from others… She called them “believers”. I am speechless. Out of touch. I don’t even understand the concept of believers and nonbelievers, saved and unsaved. I don’t understand the rules. I really don’t understand how we live on this Earth with more than enough resources for everyone and there is such abject poverty everywhere. I don’t understand why men and women try to exploit and betray and use and suppress each other instead of just letting each other be? Where did we come up with this way of  being? Where is Dream Lover? We had work to do together. Where is he, God?

I don’t Love anyone, God. My heart isn’t in anything. I’m just going through the motions. Survival. Writing. I want to do those things, but nothing makes sense when your heart isn’t in it…

Yes, this is an official breakdown. It will pass. It is passing as I write, but there is still action to be taken. What should I do, God? You say go overseas. He is not with me. What will become of my life? You say take it day by day. Find something to love…

Am I on the right path? You say Yes. I am tired. You know. My heart is hurting. You know. Will it pass? You Say it has passed already…

I don’t have any fight left in me, God. All defense mechanisms are shot. I am ready and willing to be Guided into Truth and Freedom. I have heard that You are more than any given thought. You are more than any situation. You are more than our feelings, and that anything, anything is possible once We are in tune with You. In this moment, I choose You again. And again again. I choose You, The Omnipresent. I choose Life in this moment. Even without Dream Lover. I choose Love in this moment. I choose it even if I don’t see it. Even if I’m not experiencing it in my immediate life, I choose to allow myself to know that it is still in the world. It is in me. I hand over my life to you, oh Creator of All Creation. I will go where you lead me. Lead me, please. Lead me to the life I see in my dreams. Take me to the other side. I will follow…

Day 221

When Your Heart Isn’t In It. Choose Again.