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Day 219 – Hope For The Hopeless

March 18, 2013

Good morning,

I’ve been busy all week. Some of my fam drove into town right after I wrote the last blog entry and they stayed for a week.  Then they convinced me to drive back to Texas with them, which is where I am right now. I’ll be flying back to LA today…

I Love my family. Didn’t realize how cool and loving they are. I come from a pretty fantastic group of souls. And it just so happened that a lot of the people I grew up with were in town for Spring Break, so we ended up having an impromptu family reunion of sorts.. I have never cried at the thought of going back to Cali, but I’m crying this morning. I’m gonna miss them. They are the people that know everything about me, all my flaws… They are the ones that I have fought with, loved, played with, spent numerous nights talking all night long, went on adventures with, despised, competed with and grown up with. It was so good to see them again…

And now back to our regularly scheduled program. But not. I’m making  plans for my heal the world trip. It’s actually gonna happen. Some team members have already bought their tickets. They believe in me. They believe that I can actually lead this seemingly impossible mission, they believe that I can give hope to the hopeless. It’s time for me to start believing in myself.

It’s challenging. I’ve been broken for a long time. Long enough that I have become used to it. I feel myself coming alive again, and something in me says, “It’s real this time. This time it will last. This time, this life in you is not from the outside. It is the real you coming out at last.” And I believe it. Because there is nothing on the outside of me that would be giving me life at this time. There is no man, no fancy job, none of that stuff that I used to think I needed to feel alive and worthwhile. In fact, I do not see what there is to hope for. I don’t even have my overseas ticket yet. But how I am hopeful?

I am so hopeful this morning, on the dawn of departing from my clan again, knowing that I am going to a place where I won’t wake up to the sounds of loved ones doing what they do in the morning. Knowing that I won’t be hugging my curious nephew and mischievous niece for a while. How am I so hopeful? God, where did this come from? I need to know, because this is what I’m going to endeavor to do with my life: give hope to the hopeless.

I know what it means to be hopeless. I know what it feels like to have absolutely nothing. Even below nothing. I felt it the other day when my car got towed right as I was about to pay rent. Alone. Nothing. Despair. Where and how will anything change? How? And I don’t know still. But how am I hopeful now? I don’t get it. What happened? What is the trick? What do I know that is keeping my insides smiling even as I venture off alone again? Is it the love of my family that sustains me? No. That’s a part of me, a comfort, but that’s not it…

What is it? Give me the words, so I can share please. This is the thing that I am going to have to give to all those people overseas. They do not know what it feels like to have enough. They do not understand hope. What shall I tell them? Get up? Say a prayer? Read a book? Get a job? Find a way to America? Marry someone? What is the truth? Because none of those things are giving me hope right now. The getting up is mandatory, but the hope precedes the getting up..

And this is why I believe in God. Because what else is there but a Higher Power? What else is there in moments like this, when your mind tells you that everything is against you, when you feel like you can’t go on, when nothing seems to be working out, and you get up with a smile anyway? Where does that kind of happy come from besides the inexplicable?

I am convinced that there is so much more to life than meets the eye. I am convinced that my life is a good life, even now. I am convinced that just as sure as I am alive, the possibility for good things exists in every moment, even when we can’t see them. And oh, when we are ready to see them! I am convinced that God willing, I will live to see all the good that is brewing in my soul. I am convinced. I am committed. And I am hopeful. Thank you, God. Ameen.

Day 219

Hope For The Hopeless

 

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