Good morning.
It’s about 9 am on Saturday. I got my mojo back. Yep. I think she’s here to stay.
I undumped my friend (the one that’s made of pure love). Compromise and acceptance are new words for me, but I’m finding that they do my heart good.
So, let me tell you. I got fired! Yaaaay! Well, not really fired. My job is a temporary job that had the option to be permanent. My boss told me that if I wanted to stick on permanently than I had to go through the process and fill out the official application. I didn’t fill out the application. So she hired someone who did. She’s keeping me on longer than my original temp contract, but ultimately I’ll be leaving…
You cannot imagine how happy I was when she told me she had hired a permanent person. I know, I need income, etc. Don’t worry. I have a back-up income source (job) lined up, so, as Charlotte O’Hara said, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again”.
The moment I heard I was let go, though, a space opened up in my brain. Clarity. Freedom. I was so glad. I saw myself clearly again. It’s been a couple of months since that has happened, but when my boss said the job was ending, I was grateful. I felt free. I feel free now. To move around. Not like skipping states, but like living up to myself finally.
You can’t imagine. I have a Master’s degree and I have been severely underemployed and unemployed for over a year. Doing secretary jobs. Eating Roman noodles and stuff. What have I been thinking??? Underutilizing my skills and gifts. I’m not gonna be too hard on myself. I actually got some things accomplished with the whole international heal the world thing recently, but it’s been a while… It’s been a while. And so when I got fired, I realized that I am qualified and able to have such a better job! One that actually pays good money so that I can move forward with things. One that I actually like going to every day. One where I feel like I’m making a meaningful contribution to things that matter to me. One where I am growing and sharpening my skills and learning new things. Not just some place where I can “get by” and barely survive.
And that realization made me do a quick look at my life. Like for real. And I realized I can have a better life all around. I can surround myself with different kinds of people and have different types of relationships. Of course, that would involve me making some changes, being nice and stuff and not cursing people out, not just dumping people when I’m upset and opening myself to appreciate the good in things. That would involve me respecting myself and protecting myself when need be and demanding to be treated a certain way by the people I bring near to me. It would involve some more growing. But I can do that. I am able to do all of that. And I’m so excited about what’s going to come.
There has never been a time in my life when I’ve been clear about what I wanted to do and it didn’t come to fruition. I’m super clear now about what I want to do from this point forward and so I’m sure, God willing, that good things will happen. I used to say these affirmations all the time. “I am worthy of the very best in life and I now willingly accept it.” They used to just be words that I wanted to believe, but I believe them now! I know them.
I am worthy of being loved because I am so loving. I am worthy of being a boss and a leader because I care about the people I’m leading. I am worthy of my works being accepted, because I have so much good stuff to give. I am worthy of happiness just because I exist. I am worthy! And I’m smart. And I’m able. And I’m kind. And I’m strong. And I’m open. And I’m even humble sometimes. And I have to tell myself the good things about myself, because I’ve spent so long thinking I wasn’t sh*t that this is like an epiphany, realizing that I’m worth something… I have to remind myself that, I, too, am worthy of the good things.
Last night I went to a movie and had dinner… Wow. Mr. Almost Famous just texted me. This dude… How about I don’t try and figure him out for once. Our relationship is so weird. We don’t really talk that much. We have barely ever hung out. He doesn’t want to be my man, but when I call, he responds, even if it’s two minutes before the opening night of a big show and he’s surrounded by people… He is just as weird and incomprehensible as me. He probably is me. We actually look alike, same smile and everything… I am glad to have his lovely spirit looking out for me, telling me that he sees great things for me. He is such a good friend and I am grateful.
You are opening my eyes, God, letting me see what is right in front of me. I have been locked up, in the prison of my own mind, for so long. I couldn’t see that light is right here with me right now. And I couldn’t see that I am surrounded by love and lovers. And I couldn’t see that I am talented and that I have the ability to make a lot of money right now. And so I have been operating from this small, pitiful place, begging life to give me something. When life has been giving me things all along. I already have them. I’ve just got to use what I have and appreciate it.
I hear freedom singing to me through the birds in trees. I feel strength in my bones. It’s time to be free. It’s time to acknowledge the joy and the strength and the power and the goodness and all the magnificent wonders of the world that are right here, right now, waiting to be noticed, expressed and actualized. Everything I have been through, everything I have put myself through, has led to this moment of such deep appreciation… Oh. My. God. You. Are. So. Good.
Day 237
The Prison Isn’t Real (Get Free)
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair” – Mumford and Sons
We get used to things. Pain, struggling, happiness, money or a lack thereof, moving around, people, praying exercise. Good, bad, or indifferent, we get used to things and then they become our lives. Like Gotye sings in one of his songs “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”…
I had gotten used to struggling and pain and dysfunctional relationships. For the past few years, I had gotten used to being poor and not having enough and moving from place to place all the time. I had gotten used to not finishing things. I had gotten used to dating people who I knew were unavailable for the type of relationship I wanted for one reason or the other. I had gotten used to never quite having the completion of the things I had desired…
And then a little over a month ago things changed. I finished something really important to me for the first time in a long time. I managed to break up and let go of all of my dysfunctional relationships that have been haunting me throughout the years. I went overseas and our project was successful. And I got a job. Just so you know, it has been years since I’ve actually had a 9 to 5 that didn’t have a definite end date. I moved back into my apartment and painted the cabinets… And my mind was going crazy… Resistance for real.
I’m sitting in my apartment. The birds are chirping outside of the floor-to-ceiling window in my living room. A soft breeze is blowing. I am realizing that the struggle is over. I’m not used to it. Peace. Enoughness. A clear mind. It’s here and now. The struggle is over. It actually the beginning of a new day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I know that this is a very delicate time in my life.
For the first time in a long time, the things that I dream of doing seem like they are not just dreams out in the somewhere. They seem like things I can do. And I am actually writing this. Like, can you believe that having a job where I now work just seemed like a dream once? Living in LA and having enough money seemed like a dream once. But it’s real. It’s real now. The struggle is over. My dramas are over. I don’t have any stupid friends who try to use me or play those manipulative games any more. Even here in Los Angeles, I am finding nice people. Perhaps it is because I am finally becoming a nice person who sees that there is a world outside of my head and myself. I am finally seeing the value in cultivating healthy relationships. I am finally actually interested in the lives of others…
This is an uplifting post, but it may not always be this way. There may be moments of withdrawal and regression on our paths. There may be times of confusion and even sadness, but the struggling, the pain, it ends. It really does. But you have to let it. You have to open up and let it and step into the fear. This is new territory, at least for me. Good stuff is new to me. I’ve had good stuff on the outside, like money and a fancy job, but actually having healthy relationships while having money and doing work that is meaningful and doing things that I’ve only ever dreamed of doing? Being able to give and receive love at the same time instead of things being one-sided? Being supported and being a supporter at the same time? Reciprocity? That’s all new stuff to me. It’s the stuff of my dreams. Heck, I didn’t even think I was worthy of that stuff at one point. But it’s real now. It’s becoming real now.
I no longer identify as Laydie the loser. I no longer identify as Laydie the sad girl or the ugly girl or the lonely girl or the poor girl or the girl who’s always giving and never getting anything. I am a different person now and I don’t want to speak on my new identity yet because it is forming even as I write these words, and when I get to the place where I am able to speak about who I am now, I want to know that my words are true. For now, I only know that the struggle and pain are done with. I see how I interact with people these days and I actually care about myself and I’m meeting different kinds of folks…
Today I’d let to get used to a new kind of life. Fall away now, patterns that have bound me. I let you go once and for all. Fall away now, doubts that would haunt me. Fall away ties that tethered my progress. I see you wondering what I’m doing. Thank you for leading me to this place. Thank you for making the pain so unbearable that I had to dig down deep and live life on purpose. Thank you, God, for this moment, this realization that life is so, so, so, so grand… Ameen.
Day 235
The Struggle Is Over (Let It Go)
Thank you for committing to be happy… Want to hear something funny? My ex is still in town. Dream Lover. The one who pitched me the best dream ever and then disappeared.
I found out today that he actually performed at a festival that a friend of mine had invited me to two weeks ago. I didn’t go to the festival, but I remember thinking that Dream Lover would probably be there…
I was at work today when I found out the news… And I almost quit today. I felt ashamed to be working where I work. His life is so fabulous and it’s been a year since we parted. And I fell apart when we parted. And he didn’t. Well, I don’t know if he fell apart, but career wise he didn’t. But I did. I’ve been struggling for some time and, I can’t really say I haven’t been moving forward, but I took such a huge step backwards that moving forwards still has me further backwards than I’ve been at other times in my life…
So I got mad. And I wanted to quit. Because my job has nothing to do with anything that I actually want to do with my life. It pays the bills. Barely. And it takes a lot of energy because I work non-stop once I clock in and much of it is mental work… So I thought, “What am I doing here? I’m supposed to be spending my time focusing on my writing and my community center overseas and doing yoga and praying.” I don’t have to be in Cali paying this high rent and walking twenty minutes each way every day to park my car in the neighborhood next to the ghetto since I can’t park in my ratchet neighborhood without getting jacked… I thought of all the ways I could get out of this situation… Move with my mamma and get a part-time job (I will still net the same amount since I wouldn’t be paying rent), move with my sis in Hawaii, go back to my fam’s place down South… I have options.
My landlord gave the parking spot that I was supposed to have to someone else…
I was gonna’ quit today because I was ashamed that I’m not doing better with my life, and I could hear my college roommate saying to me what she said a long time ago when we reconnected years after being separated, “You’re a secretary??? I thought you’d have a best seller by now.”
Things seem like they happened out of order in my life. Like, I was successful early on and then I fell, but it seems like it should have been the opposite, like this time in my life should have come first and then the success… But here we are. It happened this way.
I am in the prayer room. I work at a University, my alma mater. And they have a religious center there. And there is a prayer room in the religious center. It’s a three minute walk from the building I work in. I came here after work instead of talking on the phone or hanging out with whoever. I needed to check in. Pray. Make some sense of things. Decide what to do next and where to do it at. I can’t keep running. And even though I have options, family I can go to, I’m just not that excited about the thought of moving in with any of them…
But I know that this will not work. This pace. This progress. This daily routine of work, hanging out with some dude or the other who I’ll never marry, sleep and hiking… LOL. That’s been my routine for the past month since I’ve been back in Cali. New beginnings indeed.
I had to pray today, and I don’t know how I ever made it through any part of my life without prayer. These days, I need it just as much as water. Nothing makes sense until I check in. Sometimes things still don’t make sense, but at least I am able to get out of my thoughts for a while and see things other ways when I pray…
So I prayed for about two hours. And I forgave myself for not living the life I thought I’d be living by now. I forgave myself for living in the ghetto where the streets smell like pee. I forgave myself for not finishing my script on time so many times. I forgave myself for losing Dream Lover and I forgave myself for loving and trusting him in the first place when he had never shown himself trustworthy. I forgave myself for not applying myself and I forgave myself for all the time wasted. I forgave myself for surrounding myself with people who are not in harmony with me. I forgave myself for crying so much and being down for so long… I was mad at me and I could stay mad forever and say, “No. No forgiveness. You have to do better. You should have done this, that and the other, stupid.” But I don’t think that would help any. I’ve been punishing myself for quite some time already. I needed some forgiveness. I needed some kindness. A real new beginning.
There’s no running from this. Whatever I’m going through, there’s no running from it. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I mean, I could, but that wouldn’t solve anything. You see, the real me is not a coward and she’s not a punk. The real me is faithful beyond faith. The real me gets up. She gets up and she gets up and she gets up. The real me Loves and Loves and Loves and let’s no one take that away! The real me is a Queen. I know, I don’t look like one right now, but that doesn’t take away the truth of the matter.
I had been wondering how to decide. On anything. How to decide where to live, where to work, who to hang out with, etc., etc. And I finally came up with one answer: move towards progress. That’s it. I could live with any of my family anywhere in the world, but I see no progress in any of those options. Of course, we all have to define what progress means to us first. I know what progress means to me. First, it means peace of mind. First and foremost. Spiritual connectivity. Abundance. Uninhibited expression that is received. Sharing of Love. Clean air and community. Trees, space to exercise, healthy food and loving companions that are accessible. Success in the things that really matter to me (my writing, my community work, my love and family life, my finances). Success…
I Love the movie Life of Pi… Everything I’m saying could make absolutely no sense, but it is my way, you see? It is my tool for moving forward. It’s not the Bible or the Q’uran. It is the truth of my experience. I am giving you my heart here and sometimes it is conflicted and unsettled. It’s not always pretty, you know? But it’s what really happens. Transformation is not always full of inspirational words. It gets messy sometimes. It gets really scary at times and we get tired and confused and desperate. It’s a part of it.
I am at 1220 words, but there is still more to write… I imagine… I imagine that at the end of it all I will look back and call this the best time of my life. In fact, I will call it that now. This is the best time of my life. I know it. I am coming into my power. I am learning wisdom and so much kindness. I am learning to accept good things and I am learning discernment. I feel comfortable around kings and queens now and I welcome them as my friends. And for the first time, I am learning that although feelings play there part in letting you know when things are in harmony or disharmony, it’s not always in our best interest to act out on our feelings before we access a situation. I am learning…
I’m not happy. I’m not sad. But I can take action towards progress anyway. What else am I gonna’ do? Run forever? We may fall far, but once we have seen the light, it is impossible to sit still in the darkness. So here’s to progress. Here is to that bright, blazing Light that carries me forward… Thank you so much, God. Ameen.
Day 234
New Beginnings Indeed
I wrote this whole thing complaining about work again, but I’ll spare you.
My boss gave me a bunch of extra work today just as I was about to finish my to-do list.
My new to-do list is massive, so I’m stopping now and checking in with the true true, as they said on Cloud Atlas.
The book I’ve been reading, Science of the Mind, claims that if we can believe and know that anything is possible for us, then anything is possible for us and we can have as great of a life as we imagine.
So, I have been imagining about this future thing for some time. This day, or this moment when my life will be exactly as I dreamed it could be. And as I am sitting here, I realize that there was a time in my life when I hoped that my life would be exactly as it is now. And it is quite uncanny that I am actually living one of my dreams come true in this moment. There was a time that I prayed that I could travel the world and meet all kinds of cool people. I distinctly remember being a child and hoping that I could go out in the wilderness with a Native American. There was a time when I was so down and out, living with folks, and I hoped that I would just be able to live on my own and eat the things that I liked to eat. There was a time when I prayed that I would have a car so that I wouldn’t have to take public transportation and get harrassed. And there was a time when I just wished that I could get off my bed and not feel so much pain… There was even a time when all I wanted was a job at the institution that I’m working at now… And all of those dreams have come true.
I’m sitting here and realizing that my life right now is one of my dreams come true, and even other aspects of some of my dreams, Love, have come true… Can you imagine? It still seems like it was a misty dream, my moments with Dream Lover only a year ago. But can you imagine the kind of life that I experienced? There was so much Love and such a wonderfully high vibration everywhere. I could barely catch my breath and maintain because everything in me was all tingly and alive. These people spent their days and nights deciding what they wanted to do in the world and then they just did it. Not for money. Not for fame. They had enough money. They didn’t have any debt. No debt at all in this world. They did what they wanted to do with their time… My dream of Love and the kind of life that I wanted to live has already come true. I have tasted it in moments and I am tasting it in moments even now…
As I am growing, I see that my dreams expand and I think that’s how it goes. You dream of shelter and food first if you don’t have it, but once you get it, that’s no longer a concern and you dream of the things that you want to do with your life. You dream of an escape if you are mired in pain, but once the pain is gone and you have become strong, your dreams are motivated by thoughts of love and harmony. And I am finding that life is so much more than just trying to survive or get by or abate some kind of pain or get over. I am grateful for the awareness that I am developing from having this job… My apartment manager just told me that I can’t have the parking spot that I thought I was going to get and I am grateful. I am grateful for absolutely nothing right now, God, and I am grateful to feel grateful.
My mojo is slowing coming back. This is interesting because it didn’t just come back in one big bust. I have been working hard these past few weeks and pushing myself. I have decided that life is more than the current thought or feeling. They pass. All the fears pass if you just sit with them and look at them long enough. You see them for what they are. Fears. Lies. Power thieves.
I am stepping away from myself, out of myself. I see myself sitting in this office, typing this blog. I am beautiful. Tragically beautiful. I want to talk to myself for a while. Don’t think I’m crazy. I just need to talk to myself for a while, tell myself good job for not quitting. Good job for not being a scaredy cat. Good job for recognizing your worth finally. Good job for finding a way not to cry every day? Can you even remember how dark those days were? I know you can’t. But you remember that it happened and that memory had made you truly empathetic…
Good job for honoring your body and your sacred spaces. Good job for being kind even when it wasn’t easy. Good job for saying no even when you were lonely. Good job for wanting to Love. Good job for wanting to give. Good job for even thinking about adding value to this Earth. Good job for forgiving. Good job for not taking on other people’s issues and yet still being involved. Good job, Laydie. People are watching you, you know. They may not tell you, but you make a difference. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day, but it does. You understand? Good job at being compassionate. Good job at being open and letting people share with you. Open more. There is more coming your way…
You can live here and now. The future has its place just as the past does. But you are here now, a result of the past. The past thoughts, the past actions, the past reactions. You are building the future in the present and you are choosing each and every experience, you are the experience, you are the dream come true right now. So Laydie, enjoy it, even now. Enjoy everything you have worked so hard for and everything you are just beginning to see in this new world. It is now. Your life is now, and oh, how sweet it is. How sweet it can be.
Day 233
We Dream and Become (And Dream…)
Hi there,
I’m at work…. I quit… Actually, I’m trying very hard not to quit and so I’m taking a break. I’m supposed to get off in one miniute, but since I came in an hour late and I’m not finished with my never ending task list yet, I will be here another hour…
I’m supposed to go out on a date in five minutes. I know he’s going to flake. This guy that’s been practically stalking me for the past two weeks since I met him. He usually texts me in the morning and calls and/or texts at least twice in the day time. Last night he asked when he would see me again and I said today after work and he was like, “oh, really?” and now I haven’t heard from him all day. And I’m not gonna call. I’ll allow him to flake. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
So, if you can’t tell, I’m a little upset, borderline bitter. I got a parking ticket today in a garage where I actually paid for parking! They said I was double parked because my tire was barely on the parking line… The gas company says they are going to cut off the gas. I work like a slave at this job just to barely make enough to pay my bills and go to a movie once a month. The job goes nowhere. It’s a dead end kind of place… Maybe not. The company is a great company and I would love to work for them in another capacity (I’m an assistant to a high-powered lady who has buildings named after her right now)…
So, I am attempting to get my mind right, so I can change the tone of my day, because the tone of my day has been flat and so, so drab thus far. It’s been work these past few weeks, God. I’ve had to work really hard not to get depressed and sometimes it hasn’t worked. What’s going on? Are you trying to tell me something?
I spent the weekend with a friend. I think he’s in love with me. I think he thinks he wants to marry me and I don’t see why… I could speculate but I don’t feel like it. It’s amazing, the reasons why we choose to be with certain people… We didn’t do too much. Hang out. Talk. He helped me complete a house project… I don’t want to talk about him. I think he reads this blog… Ugh. Anonymity is undervalued.
Why am I so upset today, God? I’m mad at me for my life. I’m mad at me for being poor and being so ridiculously underemployed. I’m mad at me for wasting time. I’m mad at me for always seemingly taking two steps forward and two steps back and feeling like I’m walking through quicksand for so long… I’m mad at me for being that girl that men think they can just look at any kind of way… I’m mad because nobody knows that I’m a queen, not even me… I’m mad and sad at myself, God.
I just logged on to Facebook. I was looking for my arch nemesis… He’s there on chat. I said hi to him the other day. When I finished blogging he was on FB so I chatted him and said hi. And he said hi back. And then, miraculously, after a series of pleasantries, he gave me his number and told me to call him. And I did. And we talked for two hours… And it was lovely. He was kind and mature and honest. He wasn’t trying to hit on me or do anything for that matter, except create peace between us. And we created peace between us, after years of unwarranted Facebook fighting…
Thank you for that memory, God. I needed that right then. Ok… The mood is passing… So what to do about all these dark moods, God? What to do about the quicksand that I feel like I’m treading through? What to do about progress? This job is progress, I guess. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to live on my own and pay my bills on time by myself and have car insurance. But this progress is at such a slow, slow, pace and working here assisting the people who are doing real jobs just makes me realize how my living is so far below my potential…
So, we are gathered here today to find solutions to our lives. To figure out how to go from dreams to reality. To take action. To take action. To take action. To take action. I think this makes the most diference. In the midsts of our darkest moments, to take action towards the light. What are the options? Death is not an option. Drowning is not an option. Spending life harboring unexpressed potential is not an option. Constant hate and pain is not an option.
How long does it take? I don’t know. Sometimes we have fallen very far and it takes a while to get back up. When does the pain and the darkness end? When do we see the manifestation of our dream come true? I don’t know. But I have to believe that every action makes a difference. I have to believe that my prayers are not in vain. I have to believe that even though it may be slow, there will be progress… There must be progress because for every action, every action, there’s a reaction.
The breakdowns don’t matter so much anymore. The fear doesn’t matter so much. It doesn’t matter if people think I’m crazy or a loser or whatever. What matters is what I think about myself and what I am doing about it. Can you believe that in my worst of moments I have learned self confidence? Can you believe that I have learned about kindness? Can you believe that I have learned to value myself and demand love? Can you believe that I actually think I have something to offer to the world? Can you believe that I see the beauty in companionship? I have learned much and there is still much to learn.
I am so thankful for this forum where I can express myself and sort things out. God, my prayer is that my life will be of use to someone, somewhere, somehow… Ameen.
Day 232
On Becoming A Verb (There Will Be Progress)
Hi There,
It’s nighttime. I’m home alone, not falling apart like the last entry. Time passes and things change. You could be falling apart one day and on cloud nine the next, and not even be bipolar.
I’m not on cloud nine, and I’m not falling apart. I’m pensive, trying to remember what this last chapter is about. There’s a guy on Facebook chat. He’s pretty awesome. Never met him in person, just a Facebook friend, but we’ve had such heated discussions on chat. He even wrote a poem about one of arguments once. I want to say hi to him, but he’s a jerk. A talented, intuitive, strong and powerful jerk, but a jerk nonetheless. I feel like he should say hi to me because I always say hi to him. I feel like if I say hi to him, I’m just going to encourage the big head that he already has. I turned off my Facebook chat for all friends except him, because he posted this really touching post tonight about working hard not to feel empty… I know where he’s coming from… He allows us to see his vulnerable side… That takes courage… He is reaching out to the ether world, hoping someone will care… I think I’ll say hi.
It’s amazing… I was in a lot of pain, physically and mentally…. I said hi to him. He said hi to me back, mimicking my tone… He’s such a jerk, lol. A bullheaded jerk like me. I’ll finish writing my blog. When I’m finished, if he’s still on I’ll chat with him…
I did some yoga tonight. The thought comes, “Don’t try to change him, just love him.”… I did some yoga tonight. I won’t try to change him, God. I’ll let You do what You must through me… I did some yoga tonight. My body was aching. Poses that used to be so easy for me were difficult and I could feel places where stuff was just knotted up and stuck. I didn’t realize that yoga had had my body feeling so free and easy and that stuff could actually get stuck if I didn’t move it around.
I feel better now. Not so trapped. Not so disempowered. Not so alone. My apartment is dark and I have one candle lit in front of the computer. I’m going somewhere with this. Honestly, I just want to reach out and touch someone. I want to be a part of something. The world. Anything. That’s why I’m writing tonight. Because I want someone, anyone, to read what I say. I want someone to know that I exist. I want someone to see me just as I am, and I want my presence to matter, even if it’s only for a little entertainment for some person who can’t go to sleep.
The new book that I’m reading, Science of the Mind, says that we can have any kind of life that we want if we just learn the laws of the universe and abide by them. I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I think the concept is worth investigating.
You know, I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being poor and pathetic and alone and underemployed and I’m tired of having all this stuff in me, this love and these words and this smile and this dance, and feeling like I can’t share it with anyone. That doesn’t even make sense. I remember when I was younger, my first boyfriend. I used to think that he was the only one I could be myself with and when we broke up I went into a little shell, but that doesn’t even make sense. Who says we can’t just be ourselves? What are we so afraid of? So what if my Facebook friend is a jerk? I wanted to gift him with a word of care. Why would I let him stop me from expressing what is in me to express? It doesn’t even make sense. Living in this closed box and not sharing and not giving and not expressing what is in me to give doesn’t even make sense anymore.
I have work to do. Each one of changes the fate of the universe ever so slightly with our little lives. We can get tired. We can be afraid. We can take a hiatus, but the world doesn’t stop moving just because we do, and if we pause too long we will see that we have indeed begun to move backwards.
No pressure. Just a realization. I’m glad you woke me up with all this pain in my body, God, and helped me to see what happens when you don’t pay attention to your health and forward movement. I am planting seeds for my new life. Will You be my friend tonight, God, as we dream good things together? Will you help me to know that they are not only dreams? Will You comfort me and help me to know that these things of my dreams are not made to torment me, but are the visions designed to pull me up and into myself after I have learned all that I need to know to be myself?
Let us vision this into existence. This sharing. This easyness. This goodness. This love. This true expression. This success. This peacefulness that fills my imagination. Let Us see it as real. As possible. As now. For us. Not as some fairytale for other people. For us. Happiness for Us. Success for Us. Love For us. Now. Now. Now. I can reach out and touch someone and share tonight. Now. I don’t have to wait until I’m a published author. Now. I can be Grateful now. I can pour every ounce of myself into everything now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. I Trust that You will Guide me. I Trust that You will take care of me. I Trust that I am on the Right path and I choose to step into my life now… Now…
Day 231
The Future Never Comes
This new beginning ish has got me going crazy.
I’m taking a moment to intervene on my behalf. I have been sinking low, low, low since I touched down in LA and I need an intervention.
Someone just sent me a horribly disgusting and offensive pic.
I wrote a song for a famous, award-winning singer. Her name is on my inbox. It took me over six months to find her, reach out to her, and actually get her to listen to the song I wrote. I thought the song was great. I Love it. I was inspired to write it for her. And she sent me an email yesterday, telling me that my song was “nice” but not what she was looking for…
This past weekend I went to the emergency room. I was having really bad stomach pains. They gave me a check-up and some meds and the next day I experienced the absolute worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life as I went through the healing process…
And Dream Lover’s in town. He didn’t call me. He posted it on his Facebook. In case you don’t know who he is, Dream Lover the last guy I was in an official relationship with. We broke up about a year ago. He had promised me a condo in LA, $5000 a month to support me while I write, a trip to South Africa, two children, homemade hot chocolate, and a lifetime of smiles, creativity, companionship and excitement. I was in love with him. And then we got into an argument. And he disappeared…
And I didn’t realize until a few days ago that I was devastated. I didn’t realize until I came back to LA that I have been lonely out of my mind for the past year or so. I didn’t realize that I had been living so far below normal. You can’t really tell when you’re so busy being busy… Surviving and sh*t…
But when you have a reprieve like I did, and you spend time with friends and family who you love, and you get a chance to actually taste a moment of success like we did when I went overseas, and you accomplish something meaningful that actually means something to you…. Man, I need an intervention right now before I fall apart or get too mad and curse someone out or skip states on some random adventure that will lead me nowhere or quit my job for no good reason… I need a moment of silence to get it together and remember something, anything, that will move me forward.
I’ve been sinking. I remembered Love for a moment. I was in Love with someone. I Loved someone for real. The first unconditional love of my life. And he smashed my heart. He broke my heart for real. I have a lifetime of broken hearts and I have to ask, what did I do so wrong, God? Did I offend You? What did I do? I am sorry. Please forgive me…
I am taking a moment to intervene on my behalf, because my life doesn’t look like I want it. I am sure that I can find the good. I am sure I can somewhere, but I don’t feel like finding the good. I don’t feel like working hard on a creative project that I’m in love with just for it to get rejected. I don’t feel like working and working a 9 to 5 that I hate just to barely pay back debt. I don’t feel like being so alone anymore. I want another life and I don’t want it to take another two years before my life is my life…
It always feels like I’m almost there and then something tragic happens. Almost married. Almost wealthy. Almost successful in my creative endeavors. Almost finished with my community development initiatives. Almost can pay my rent on my own… Almost…
This is what it feels like to start over. I don’t want to pretend that everything is always all easy and inspirational. It’s not. Sometimes nothing makes sense and you start doubting yourself. You start feeling like you’re a bad person and maybe you’re being punished. You start thinking that maybe you picked the wrong religion or the wrong city or country or profession. You wonder why this is happening to you…
I don’t have an answer. I’m trying to figure it out myself. I think, though, that at some point you have to learn to take action even if you don’t have an answer. I think that faith is necessary. There’s no way around it. The sun is going to rise. The world is going to continue on whether you cry or not. Time is going to pass if you don’t kill yourself, and we are going to get older. I can’t cry for my lost loves forever. I can’t bemoan my life situation forever and just sit in my apartment not making any effort to move forward. I can’t say I’ll never write a song again or never submit my song to anyone else, because if I never write a song again, then my song will surely never be heard…
So I come to you, God, or Whoever You are. Spirit. All-Encompassing. I am coming to You. I am here. I am here, intervening on my own behalf. The world is looking dark to me, but I don’t want my world to be dark anymore. I don’t know how to do it. My mind can’t figure out how to change my relationship habits or how to be successful, but I know that just because I can’t figure out something doesn’t mean that it’s an impossibility for me. I know that. I don’t understand the secrets of the Universe, but I know that miracles are real because I have seen them. I know that change is possible because I have experienced it, and so I am coming to You, the Author of Change. Tell me what name to call You and I shall call You by it, but just tell me the truth, please. I am so tired of lies and fakeness. Just tell me the truth.
I am willing to be strong. I am willing to understand. I am willing to follow. I don’t want these ugly things in my life any more, like disgusting pics from silly men. I don’t want to be abandoned anymore. I don’t want to be poor anymore. I want to be useful in the world. I want to Love again. I want to Live again. I think my writing could help a lot of people. I think my stories could help a lot of people. I think my leadership could help a lot of people. I want to share them. I want to share myself, God, and I want to participate as other people share themselves and their gifts with me. I want my life to be a good life. If I never had a good life before, I want my life to be a good life now.
I am petitioning on my behalf. I am intervening in this moment where I could sink. I am choosing to live again, maybe for the first time ever. I am choosing open doors. I know they exist. I am choosing to see them and walk through them. I am choosing to be Guided. I am choosing the most High and Holy support, the kind that removes all obstacles. I am choosing to Live. Again. And again. And again… Ameen.
Day 230
Life Intervention (Live Again)
Hi there.
This is my third time trying to write this blog. I started the first one at 8:25 and then at 9:45. Now it’s 10:12…
There’s a lot. Going through changes even as I’m writing. Where should I start? Exposition. In Los Angeles, back in my apartment. Have a job that I started two days ago. Off work today, but my boss just called me ‘cus she relies on her subordinates to manage her life. Been hanging out with a friend that I call my fake boyfriend for the past few days. Single. Don’t have that much money, but new job provides a stable income source that will help me move forward financially. Feeling alone and slightly anxious about LA after having been surrounded by Love, support, and engaged in purposeful work for the past couple of months. Rebuilding everything…
Let’s start there. Rebuilding… How? comes to mind… But don’t want to think about how. Fingers feeling super tingly. Breathing not so easy, but not anxious. Sensations disconnected. Like, I know I’m supposed to feel scared right now, but I don’t. But I still feel lonely. Well, kind of. I recognize that I’m lonely, but the feeling isn’t there, like the anxious self-pitying desperation is not present, nor is the willfulness that would have me get up and go join some group or whatever so that I could be not lonely… I don’t get it. And even though I don’t get it, I don’t feel confused.
Bear with me, please. I come here to figure myself out or to express myself or sometimes to help others. Right now I’m figuring things out so that I can start my day with a clear mind. Having a clear mind has become important to me. I am crying right now and I don’t even know why. I’m not feeling crazy or even sad. I’m feeling like a sense of relief. It is strange. Things are happening in the world around me, in the lives of others and even my own. The same dramas and different ones, the same needs and wants, but I feel differently about everything. I feel relieved that I can stand on the outside of everything, without being emotionally attached, and see things for what they are.
This is an actual new beginning. And this is what I’m learning about new beginnings. They are laced with fear and anxiety. You are stepping into the unknown after your life and brain have been patterned with other ways. And there are so many ways to do this life thing. If you are new and you don’t have a teacher or you have a bad teacher, then you’re going to have to figure things out on your own… I don’t really have a teacher to tell me, “This is how you hook up with the man of your dreams and make it last and this is how you live your purpose and this is how you make a bunch of money and this is how you find out the meaning of life and pick the right spiritual path. Oh, and this is how you sustain meaningful relationships with people who are in your physical presence.” California is big on life coaches, but I don’t know if anyone else has the answer to anyone else’s life. Mentors and parents and people who have accomplished what you are trying to accomplish can provide guidance, but ultimately, as grown-ups, our lives are our own inventions…
So I’m here and it’s still morning and I have come to step one in new beginings: overcoming desperation. You will feel afraid of this new you. You will feel like you can’t do whatever you are trying to do and you will feel trapped. You will have to pay whatever bill and feel like you have to work whatever job or you will feel alone and feel like you have to be with whatever person (who you probably don’t really want to be with) or you will feel dumb or inadequate or unable or worthless or tired or confused or ugly or too old or too young and ultimately any of these demons may lead you to the fiend of all fiends: desperation. This is where, in the past, you take that drug or sleep with that person or steal or connive or lie or just lay on the bed all day and do nothing or run away. Because you are desperate and you feel like you have to do that thing that you don’t want to do in order to survive.
But you don’t have to do it. You don’t even have to be desperate. Really. Most of the time, our most urgent dramas aren’t going to kill us. And if we take a moment to consider that there are possibilities and solutions that are beyond what we can presently imagine, then we just might open up a space in ourselves that allows for the solutions to come forth.
And that is what I am doing right now. I am choosing to overcome desperation. Once and for all. In this very moment, despite my thoughts and feelings, I am choosing to be open to all of life and that it is. I am choosing to be Guided by You, the Guider of all Things. I am opening a space for progress now. Yes. I look for and I open my life for the ways in which I can move forward, not just maintain a status quo that I am not satisfied with. With your Blessing, Allah, I give myself permission to again move past the fear, to again have strength, to again be focused, to again express and receive Love and support, to again be connected and guided, to know success, to know what it is to be uplifted, to know integrity, oh, to know financial freedom, to have my gifts received, to receive what is given. I am no longer desperate. I live in Freedom and Truth…. Even now.
Ameen.
Day 229
Beyond Desperation
Hi there…
I’m back. From another adventure. I’ve been out of the country for the past two weeks. Operation help heal the world/live the dream is in full effect…
Don’t ask me how it happened. Don’t ask me how I managed to actually go overseas, meet with the chiefs of several villages, do a needs assessment and focus groups where we consulted with over 500 residents, distribute medicines and food, get a land grant for agricultural development and work with a team of brilliant souls to design a development program that seems really feasible…
Don’t ask me how I am sitting here writing this blog and actually not worrying about anything at all, experiencing a sense of calm and surety for the first time in a long time.
Don’t ask me how my life is actually becoming my life…
It is, though…
There’s a lot on my mind. I haven’t written in a while. I just got back to the US yesterday and right now I’m down South with my family. One of my sisters is graduating this weekend. She’s awesome and strong and kind… I am blessed to come from a tribe of heros and kings and queens, big amazing hearts.
I have a lot to write about, but where to start? My trip? It was a success. We are starting a development center and hospital in the third poorest country in the world. Everybody thinks that the people there are idiots and foreigners come in to exploit them for their massive resources. The majority of the population are poor, uneducated and disempowered. And they are brilliant. And we want to help them. Because I come from those people. And because I have a thing for disempowered geniuses. I used to be one…
My heart is broken open and you will find me clean these days. No resentments. No woundedness. No fear. No somebodies from the past that I’m waiting on. I don’t feel anything in particular and it’s a little strange for me, because most of my life has been governed by feelings. It’s different not to feel anything. And yet, I don’t feel empty either. I feel safe and sure. Ya Khafil, the Surety…
This is the last leg of this journey to the other side of happy. I have crossed over to the land of possibilities and choice. I have made it to a peaceful place, no longer a prisoner to my thoughts and fears. Of course, some days I cry and get discouraged and disappointed, but overall, there is peace in me and I am glad to have my life.
There is one more chapter that I need to master, though. New Beginnings and Sustainability. It is the addict’s biggest challenge. After the motivational speeches and the therapy and the moments of ecstasy, how do we manage to sustain a level of goodness when we have been used to so much nonsense?
When the old you has died, along with everything that came with it (relationships, possessions, etc), how do you recreate yourself and your life? When all your old values no longer matter, where do you make decisions from?
It isn’t something to be afraid of. It’s a question to ask in earnest until the answer comes. And the answer comes. Who am I now? Who is this new woman emerging into existence? I recognize her from my prayers and daydreams. She is so Lovely, God. Do I really get to be her?
-Give yourself permission to be Yourself, You say.
OK. I will. I do… What shall I do about this sustainability issue? Should I come up with a plan on how I’m going to maintain this wonderful high vibration that I have today?
-No Plan necessary, You say. Leave it up to You. Give it over to You. Trust You. Set an intention and work towards it as I am guided. Be open as the miracles unfold. That is the only plan necessary… Plan to be nurtured and supported every step of the way and plan to be a nurturer and supporter…
God, You are my Friend today. I feel Your presence here with me. You tell me that this is a good thing I am doing, this blog. You tell me that project help heal the world is phenomenal. You tell me that life has changed and the darkness is lifted now and forever more. You tell me to open my heart as wide as I can imagine. You tell me to finish the work I have already started and walk with ease. You tell me that a mighty mighty Love is on its way. You tell me a mighty, Joyful, Peaceful, Purposeful, Extraordinary life is already here. And as I write these words, I believe You. I am not afraid, and it feels so good to be not afraid. I am not worried about how things will work out. I trust that they will work out. They have already worked out. They are already working out.
I trust You. Thankfully, Gratefully, Humbly, Joyously, I believe…
Day 228
New Beginnings
