I wrote this whole thing complaining about work again, but I’ll spare you.
My boss gave me a bunch of extra work today just as I was about to finish my to-do list.
My new to-do list is massive, so I’m stopping now and checking in with the true true, as they said on Cloud Atlas.
The book I’ve been reading, Science of the Mind, claims that if we can believe and know that anything is possible for us, then anything is possible for us and we can have as great of a life as we imagine.
So, I have been imagining about this future thing for some time. This day, or this moment when my life will be exactly as I dreamed it could be. And as I am sitting here, I realize that there was a time in my life when I hoped that my life would be exactly as it is now. And it is quite uncanny that I am actually living one of my dreams come true in this moment. There was a time that I prayed that I could travel the world and meet all kinds of cool people. I distinctly remember being a child and hoping that I could go out in the wilderness with a Native American. There was a time when I was so down and out, living with folks, and I hoped that I would just be able to live on my own and eat the things that I liked to eat. There was a time when I prayed that I would have a car so that I wouldn’t have to take public transportation and get harrassed. And there was a time when I just wished that I could get off my bed and not feel so much pain… There was even a time when all I wanted was a job at the institution that I’m working at now… And all of those dreams have come true.
I’m sitting here and realizing that my life right now is one of my dreams come true, and even other aspects of some of my dreams, Love, have come true… Can you imagine? It still seems like it was a misty dream, my moments with Dream Lover only a year ago. But can you imagine the kind of life that I experienced? There was so much Love and such a wonderfully high vibration everywhere. I could barely catch my breath and maintain because everything in me was all tingly and alive. These people spent their days and nights deciding what they wanted to do in the world and then they just did it. Not for money. Not for fame. They had enough money. They didn’t have any debt. No debt at all in this world. They did what they wanted to do with their time… My dream of Love and the kind of life that I wanted to live has already come true. I have tasted it in moments and I am tasting it in moments even now…
As I am growing, I see that my dreams expand and I think that’s how it goes. You dream of shelter and food first if you don’t have it, but once you get it, that’s no longer a concern and you dream of the things that you want to do with your life. You dream of an escape if you are mired in pain, but once the pain is gone and you have become strong, your dreams are motivated by thoughts of love and harmony. And I am finding that life is so much more than just trying to survive or get by or abate some kind of pain or get over. I am grateful for the awareness that I am developing from having this job… My apartment manager just told me that I can’t have the parking spot that I thought I was going to get and I am grateful. I am grateful for absolutely nothing right now, God, and I am grateful to feel grateful.
My mojo is slowing coming back. This is interesting because it didn’t just come back in one big bust. I have been working hard these past few weeks and pushing myself. I have decided that life is more than the current thought or feeling. They pass. All the fears pass if you just sit with them and look at them long enough. You see them for what they are. Fears. Lies. Power thieves.
I am stepping away from myself, out of myself. I see myself sitting in this office, typing this blog. I am beautiful. Tragically beautiful. I want to talk to myself for a while. Don’t think I’m crazy. I just need to talk to myself for a while, tell myself good job for not quitting. Good job for not being a scaredy cat. Good job for recognizing your worth finally. Good job for finding a way not to cry every day? Can you even remember how dark those days were? I know you can’t. But you remember that it happened and that memory had made you truly empathetic…
Good job for honoring your body and your sacred spaces. Good job for being kind even when it wasn’t easy. Good job for saying no even when you were lonely. Good job for wanting to Love. Good job for wanting to give. Good job for even thinking about adding value to this Earth. Good job for forgiving. Good job for not taking on other people’s issues and yet still being involved. Good job, Laydie. People are watching you, you know. They may not tell you, but you make a difference. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day, but it does. You understand? Good job at being compassionate. Good job at being open and letting people share with you. Open more. There is more coming your way…
You can live here and now. The future has its place just as the past does. But you are here now, a result of the past. The past thoughts, the past actions, the past reactions. You are building the future in the present and you are choosing each and every experience, you are the experience, you are the dream come true right now. So Laydie, enjoy it, even now. Enjoy everything you have worked so hard for and everything you are just beginning to see in this new world. It is now. Your life is now, and oh, how sweet it is. How sweet it can be.
Day 233
We Dream and Become (And Dream…)
Hi there,
I’m at work…. I quit… Actually, I’m trying very hard not to quit and so I’m taking a break. I’m supposed to get off in one miniute, but since I came in an hour late and I’m not finished with my never ending task list yet, I will be here another hour…
I’m supposed to go out on a date in five minutes. I know he’s going to flake. This guy that’s been practically stalking me for the past two weeks since I met him. He usually texts me in the morning and calls and/or texts at least twice in the day time. Last night he asked when he would see me again and I said today after work and he was like, “oh, really?” and now I haven’t heard from him all day. And I’m not gonna call. I’ll allow him to flake. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
So, if you can’t tell, I’m a little upset, borderline bitter. I got a parking ticket today in a garage where I actually paid for parking! They said I was double parked because my tire was barely on the parking line… The gas company says they are going to cut off the gas. I work like a slave at this job just to barely make enough to pay my bills and go to a movie once a month. The job goes nowhere. It’s a dead end kind of place… Maybe not. The company is a great company and I would love to work for them in another capacity (I’m an assistant to a high-powered lady who has buildings named after her right now)…
So, I am attempting to get my mind right, so I can change the tone of my day, because the tone of my day has been flat and so, so drab thus far. It’s been work these past few weeks, God. I’ve had to work really hard not to get depressed and sometimes it hasn’t worked. What’s going on? Are you trying to tell me something?
I spent the weekend with a friend. I think he’s in love with me. I think he thinks he wants to marry me and I don’t see why… I could speculate but I don’t feel like it. It’s amazing, the reasons why we choose to be with certain people… We didn’t do too much. Hang out. Talk. He helped me complete a house project… I don’t want to talk about him. I think he reads this blog… Ugh. Anonymity is undervalued.
Why am I so upset today, God? I’m mad at me for my life. I’m mad at me for being poor and being so ridiculously underemployed. I’m mad at me for wasting time. I’m mad at me for always seemingly taking two steps forward and two steps back and feeling like I’m walking through quicksand for so long… I’m mad at me for being that girl that men think they can just look at any kind of way… I’m mad because nobody knows that I’m a queen, not even me… I’m mad and sad at myself, God.
I just logged on to Facebook. I was looking for my arch nemesis… He’s there on chat. I said hi to him the other day. When I finished blogging he was on FB so I chatted him and said hi. And he said hi back. And then, miraculously, after a series of pleasantries, he gave me his number and told me to call him. And I did. And we talked for two hours… And it was lovely. He was kind and mature and honest. He wasn’t trying to hit on me or do anything for that matter, except create peace between us. And we created peace between us, after years of unwarranted Facebook fighting…
Thank you for that memory, God. I needed that right then. Ok… The mood is passing… So what to do about all these dark moods, God? What to do about the quicksand that I feel like I’m treading through? What to do about progress? This job is progress, I guess. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to live on my own and pay my bills on time by myself and have car insurance. But this progress is at such a slow, slow, pace and working here assisting the people who are doing real jobs just makes me realize how my living is so far below my potential…
So, we are gathered here today to find solutions to our lives. To figure out how to go from dreams to reality. To take action. To take action. To take action. To take action. I think this makes the most diference. In the midsts of our darkest moments, to take action towards the light. What are the options? Death is not an option. Drowning is not an option. Spending life harboring unexpressed potential is not an option. Constant hate and pain is not an option.
How long does it take? I don’t know. Sometimes we have fallen very far and it takes a while to get back up. When does the pain and the darkness end? When do we see the manifestation of our dream come true? I don’t know. But I have to believe that every action makes a difference. I have to believe that my prayers are not in vain. I have to believe that even though it may be slow, there will be progress… There must be progress because for every action, every action, there’s a reaction.
The breakdowns don’t matter so much anymore. The fear doesn’t matter so much. It doesn’t matter if people think I’m crazy or a loser or whatever. What matters is what I think about myself and what I am doing about it. Can you believe that in my worst of moments I have learned self confidence? Can you believe that I have learned about kindness? Can you believe that I have learned to value myself and demand love? Can you believe that I actually think I have something to offer to the world? Can you believe that I see the beauty in companionship? I have learned much and there is still much to learn.
I am so thankful for this forum where I can express myself and sort things out. God, my prayer is that my life will be of use to someone, somewhere, somehow… Ameen.
Day 232
On Becoming A Verb (There Will Be Progress)
Hi There,
It’s nighttime. I’m home alone, not falling apart like the last entry. Time passes and things change. You could be falling apart one day and on cloud nine the next, and not even be bipolar.
I’m not on cloud nine, and I’m not falling apart. I’m pensive, trying to remember what this last chapter is about. There’s a guy on Facebook chat. He’s pretty awesome. Never met him in person, just a Facebook friend, but we’ve had such heated discussions on chat. He even wrote a poem about one of arguments once. I want to say hi to him, but he’s a jerk. A talented, intuitive, strong and powerful jerk, but a jerk nonetheless. I feel like he should say hi to me because I always say hi to him. I feel like if I say hi to him, I’m just going to encourage the big head that he already has. I turned off my Facebook chat for all friends except him, because he posted this really touching post tonight about working hard not to feel empty… I know where he’s coming from… He allows us to see his vulnerable side… That takes courage… He is reaching out to the ether world, hoping someone will care… I think I’ll say hi.
It’s amazing… I was in a lot of pain, physically and mentally…. I said hi to him. He said hi to me back, mimicking my tone… He’s such a jerk, lol. A bullheaded jerk like me. I’ll finish writing my blog. When I’m finished, if he’s still on I’ll chat with him…
I did some yoga tonight. The thought comes, “Don’t try to change him, just love him.”… I did some yoga tonight. I won’t try to change him, God. I’ll let You do what You must through me… I did some yoga tonight. My body was aching. Poses that used to be so easy for me were difficult and I could feel places where stuff was just knotted up and stuck. I didn’t realize that yoga had had my body feeling so free and easy and that stuff could actually get stuck if I didn’t move it around.
I feel better now. Not so trapped. Not so disempowered. Not so alone. My apartment is dark and I have one candle lit in front of the computer. I’m going somewhere with this. Honestly, I just want to reach out and touch someone. I want to be a part of something. The world. Anything. That’s why I’m writing tonight. Because I want someone, anyone, to read what I say. I want someone to know that I exist. I want someone to see me just as I am, and I want my presence to matter, even if it’s only for a little entertainment for some person who can’t go to sleep.
The new book that I’m reading, Science of the Mind, says that we can have any kind of life that we want if we just learn the laws of the universe and abide by them. I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I think the concept is worth investigating.
You know, I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being poor and pathetic and alone and underemployed and I’m tired of having all this stuff in me, this love and these words and this smile and this dance, and feeling like I can’t share it with anyone. That doesn’t even make sense. I remember when I was younger, my first boyfriend. I used to think that he was the only one I could be myself with and when we broke up I went into a little shell, but that doesn’t even make sense. Who says we can’t just be ourselves? What are we so afraid of? So what if my Facebook friend is a jerk? I wanted to gift him with a word of care. Why would I let him stop me from expressing what is in me to express? It doesn’t even make sense. Living in this closed box and not sharing and not giving and not expressing what is in me to give doesn’t even make sense anymore.
I have work to do. Each one of changes the fate of the universe ever so slightly with our little lives. We can get tired. We can be afraid. We can take a hiatus, but the world doesn’t stop moving just because we do, and if we pause too long we will see that we have indeed begun to move backwards.
No pressure. Just a realization. I’m glad you woke me up with all this pain in my body, God, and helped me to see what happens when you don’t pay attention to your health and forward movement. I am planting seeds for my new life. Will You be my friend tonight, God, as we dream good things together? Will you help me to know that they are not only dreams? Will You comfort me and help me to know that these things of my dreams are not made to torment me, but are the visions designed to pull me up and into myself after I have learned all that I need to know to be myself?
Let us vision this into existence. This sharing. This easyness. This goodness. This love. This true expression. This success. This peacefulness that fills my imagination. Let Us see it as real. As possible. As now. For us. Not as some fairytale for other people. For us. Happiness for Us. Success for Us. Love For us. Now. Now. Now. I can reach out and touch someone and share tonight. Now. I don’t have to wait until I’m a published author. Now. I can be Grateful now. I can pour every ounce of myself into everything now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. I Trust that You will Guide me. I Trust that You will take care of me. I Trust that I am on the Right path and I choose to step into my life now… Now…
Day 231
The Future Never Comes
This new beginning ish has got me going crazy.
I’m taking a moment to intervene on my behalf. I have been sinking low, low, low since I touched down in LA and I need an intervention.
Someone just sent me a horribly disgusting and offensive pic.
I wrote a song for a famous, award-winning singer. Her name is on my inbox. It took me over six months to find her, reach out to her, and actually get her to listen to the song I wrote. I thought the song was great. I Love it. I was inspired to write it for her. And she sent me an email yesterday, telling me that my song was “nice” but not what she was looking for…
This past weekend I went to the emergency room. I was having really bad stomach pains. They gave me a check-up and some meds and the next day I experienced the absolute worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life as I went through the healing process…
And Dream Lover’s in town. He didn’t call me. He posted it on his Facebook. In case you don’t know who he is, Dream Lover the last guy I was in an official relationship with. We broke up about a year ago. He had promised me a condo in LA, $5000 a month to support me while I write, a trip to South Africa, two children, homemade hot chocolate, and a lifetime of smiles, creativity, companionship and excitement. I was in love with him. And then we got into an argument. And he disappeared…
And I didn’t realize until a few days ago that I was devastated. I didn’t realize until I came back to LA that I have been lonely out of my mind for the past year or so. I didn’t realize that I had been living so far below normal. You can’t really tell when you’re so busy being busy… Surviving and sh*t…
But when you have a reprieve like I did, and you spend time with friends and family who you love, and you get a chance to actually taste a moment of success like we did when I went overseas, and you accomplish something meaningful that actually means something to you…. Man, I need an intervention right now before I fall apart or get too mad and curse someone out or skip states on some random adventure that will lead me nowhere or quit my job for no good reason… I need a moment of silence to get it together and remember something, anything, that will move me forward.
I’ve been sinking. I remembered Love for a moment. I was in Love with someone. I Loved someone for real. The first unconditional love of my life. And he smashed my heart. He broke my heart for real. I have a lifetime of broken hearts and I have to ask, what did I do so wrong, God? Did I offend You? What did I do? I am sorry. Please forgive me…
I am taking a moment to intervene on my behalf, because my life doesn’t look like I want it. I am sure that I can find the good. I am sure I can somewhere, but I don’t feel like finding the good. I don’t feel like working hard on a creative project that I’m in love with just for it to get rejected. I don’t feel like working and working a 9 to 5 that I hate just to barely pay back debt. I don’t feel like being so alone anymore. I want another life and I don’t want it to take another two years before my life is my life…
It always feels like I’m almost there and then something tragic happens. Almost married. Almost wealthy. Almost successful in my creative endeavors. Almost finished with my community development initiatives. Almost can pay my rent on my own… Almost…
This is what it feels like to start over. I don’t want to pretend that everything is always all easy and inspirational. It’s not. Sometimes nothing makes sense and you start doubting yourself. You start feeling like you’re a bad person and maybe you’re being punished. You start thinking that maybe you picked the wrong religion or the wrong city or country or profession. You wonder why this is happening to you…
I don’t have an answer. I’m trying to figure it out myself. I think, though, that at some point you have to learn to take action even if you don’t have an answer. I think that faith is necessary. There’s no way around it. The sun is going to rise. The world is going to continue on whether you cry or not. Time is going to pass if you don’t kill yourself, and we are going to get older. I can’t cry for my lost loves forever. I can’t bemoan my life situation forever and just sit in my apartment not making any effort to move forward. I can’t say I’ll never write a song again or never submit my song to anyone else, because if I never write a song again, then my song will surely never be heard…
So I come to you, God, or Whoever You are. Spirit. All-Encompassing. I am coming to You. I am here. I am here, intervening on my own behalf. The world is looking dark to me, but I don’t want my world to be dark anymore. I don’t know how to do it. My mind can’t figure out how to change my relationship habits or how to be successful, but I know that just because I can’t figure out something doesn’t mean that it’s an impossibility for me. I know that. I don’t understand the secrets of the Universe, but I know that miracles are real because I have seen them. I know that change is possible because I have experienced it, and so I am coming to You, the Author of Change. Tell me what name to call You and I shall call You by it, but just tell me the truth, please. I am so tired of lies and fakeness. Just tell me the truth.
I am willing to be strong. I am willing to understand. I am willing to follow. I don’t want these ugly things in my life any more, like disgusting pics from silly men. I don’t want to be abandoned anymore. I don’t want to be poor anymore. I want to be useful in the world. I want to Love again. I want to Live again. I think my writing could help a lot of people. I think my stories could help a lot of people. I think my leadership could help a lot of people. I want to share them. I want to share myself, God, and I want to participate as other people share themselves and their gifts with me. I want my life to be a good life. If I never had a good life before, I want my life to be a good life now.
I am petitioning on my behalf. I am intervening in this moment where I could sink. I am choosing to live again, maybe for the first time ever. I am choosing open doors. I know they exist. I am choosing to see them and walk through them. I am choosing to be Guided. I am choosing the most High and Holy support, the kind that removes all obstacles. I am choosing to Live. Again. And again. And again… Ameen.
Day 230
Life Intervention (Live Again)
Hi there.
This is my third time trying to write this blog. I started the first one at 8:25 and then at 9:45. Now it’s 10:12…
There’s a lot. Going through changes even as I’m writing. Where should I start? Exposition. In Los Angeles, back in my apartment. Have a job that I started two days ago. Off work today, but my boss just called me ‘cus she relies on her subordinates to manage her life. Been hanging out with a friend that I call my fake boyfriend for the past few days. Single. Don’t have that much money, but new job provides a stable income source that will help me move forward financially. Feeling alone and slightly anxious about LA after having been surrounded by Love, support, and engaged in purposeful work for the past couple of months. Rebuilding everything…
Let’s start there. Rebuilding… How? comes to mind… But don’t want to think about how. Fingers feeling super tingly. Breathing not so easy, but not anxious. Sensations disconnected. Like, I know I’m supposed to feel scared right now, but I don’t. But I still feel lonely. Well, kind of. I recognize that I’m lonely, but the feeling isn’t there, like the anxious self-pitying desperation is not present, nor is the willfulness that would have me get up and go join some group or whatever so that I could be not lonely… I don’t get it. And even though I don’t get it, I don’t feel confused.
Bear with me, please. I come here to figure myself out or to express myself or sometimes to help others. Right now I’m figuring things out so that I can start my day with a clear mind. Having a clear mind has become important to me. I am crying right now and I don’t even know why. I’m not feeling crazy or even sad. I’m feeling like a sense of relief. It is strange. Things are happening in the world around me, in the lives of others and even my own. The same dramas and different ones, the same needs and wants, but I feel differently about everything. I feel relieved that I can stand on the outside of everything, without being emotionally attached, and see things for what they are.
This is an actual new beginning. And this is what I’m learning about new beginnings. They are laced with fear and anxiety. You are stepping into the unknown after your life and brain have been patterned with other ways. And there are so many ways to do this life thing. If you are new and you don’t have a teacher or you have a bad teacher, then you’re going to have to figure things out on your own… I don’t really have a teacher to tell me, “This is how you hook up with the man of your dreams and make it last and this is how you live your purpose and this is how you make a bunch of money and this is how you find out the meaning of life and pick the right spiritual path. Oh, and this is how you sustain meaningful relationships with people who are in your physical presence.” California is big on life coaches, but I don’t know if anyone else has the answer to anyone else’s life. Mentors and parents and people who have accomplished what you are trying to accomplish can provide guidance, but ultimately, as grown-ups, our lives are our own inventions…
So I’m here and it’s still morning and I have come to step one in new beginings: overcoming desperation. You will feel afraid of this new you. You will feel like you can’t do whatever you are trying to do and you will feel trapped. You will have to pay whatever bill and feel like you have to work whatever job or you will feel alone and feel like you have to be with whatever person (who you probably don’t really want to be with) or you will feel dumb or inadequate or unable or worthless or tired or confused or ugly or too old or too young and ultimately any of these demons may lead you to the fiend of all fiends: desperation. This is where, in the past, you take that drug or sleep with that person or steal or connive or lie or just lay on the bed all day and do nothing or run away. Because you are desperate and you feel like you have to do that thing that you don’t want to do in order to survive.
But you don’t have to do it. You don’t even have to be desperate. Really. Most of the time, our most urgent dramas aren’t going to kill us. And if we take a moment to consider that there are possibilities and solutions that are beyond what we can presently imagine, then we just might open up a space in ourselves that allows for the solutions to come forth.
And that is what I am doing right now. I am choosing to overcome desperation. Once and for all. In this very moment, despite my thoughts and feelings, I am choosing to be open to all of life and that it is. I am choosing to be Guided by You, the Guider of all Things. I am opening a space for progress now. Yes. I look for and I open my life for the ways in which I can move forward, not just maintain a status quo that I am not satisfied with. With your Blessing, Allah, I give myself permission to again move past the fear, to again have strength, to again be focused, to again express and receive Love and support, to again be connected and guided, to know success, to know what it is to be uplifted, to know integrity, oh, to know financial freedom, to have my gifts received, to receive what is given. I am no longer desperate. I live in Freedom and Truth…. Even now.
Ameen.
Day 229
Beyond Desperation
Hi there…
I’m back. From another adventure. I’ve been out of the country for the past two weeks. Operation help heal the world/live the dream is in full effect…
Don’t ask me how it happened. Don’t ask me how I managed to actually go overseas, meet with the chiefs of several villages, do a needs assessment and focus groups where we consulted with over 500 residents, distribute medicines and food, get a land grant for agricultural development and work with a team of brilliant souls to design a development program that seems really feasible…
Don’t ask me how I am sitting here writing this blog and actually not worrying about anything at all, experiencing a sense of calm and surety for the first time in a long time.
Don’t ask me how my life is actually becoming my life…
It is, though…
There’s a lot on my mind. I haven’t written in a while. I just got back to the US yesterday and right now I’m down South with my family. One of my sisters is graduating this weekend. She’s awesome and strong and kind… I am blessed to come from a tribe of heros and kings and queens, big amazing hearts.
I have a lot to write about, but where to start? My trip? It was a success. We are starting a development center and hospital in the third poorest country in the world. Everybody thinks that the people there are idiots and foreigners come in to exploit them for their massive resources. The majority of the population are poor, uneducated and disempowered. And they are brilliant. And we want to help them. Because I come from those people. And because I have a thing for disempowered geniuses. I used to be one…
My heart is broken open and you will find me clean these days. No resentments. No woundedness. No fear. No somebodies from the past that I’m waiting on. I don’t feel anything in particular and it’s a little strange for me, because most of my life has been governed by feelings. It’s different not to feel anything. And yet, I don’t feel empty either. I feel safe and sure. Ya Khafil, the Surety…
This is the last leg of this journey to the other side of happy. I have crossed over to the land of possibilities and choice. I have made it to a peaceful place, no longer a prisoner to my thoughts and fears. Of course, some days I cry and get discouraged and disappointed, but overall, there is peace in me and I am glad to have my life.
There is one more chapter that I need to master, though. New Beginnings and Sustainability. It is the addict’s biggest challenge. After the motivational speeches and the therapy and the moments of ecstasy, how do we manage to sustain a level of goodness when we have been used to so much nonsense?
When the old you has died, along with everything that came with it (relationships, possessions, etc), how do you recreate yourself and your life? When all your old values no longer matter, where do you make decisions from?
It isn’t something to be afraid of. It’s a question to ask in earnest until the answer comes. And the answer comes. Who am I now? Who is this new woman emerging into existence? I recognize her from my prayers and daydreams. She is so Lovely, God. Do I really get to be her?
-Give yourself permission to be Yourself, You say.
OK. I will. I do… What shall I do about this sustainability issue? Should I come up with a plan on how I’m going to maintain this wonderful high vibration that I have today?
-No Plan necessary, You say. Leave it up to You. Give it over to You. Trust You. Set an intention and work towards it as I am guided. Be open as the miracles unfold. That is the only plan necessary… Plan to be nurtured and supported every step of the way and plan to be a nurturer and supporter…
God, You are my Friend today. I feel Your presence here with me. You tell me that this is a good thing I am doing, this blog. You tell me that project help heal the world is phenomenal. You tell me that life has changed and the darkness is lifted now and forever more. You tell me to open my heart as wide as I can imagine. You tell me to finish the work I have already started and walk with ease. You tell me that a mighty mighty Love is on its way. You tell me a mighty, Joyful, Peaceful, Purposeful, Extraordinary life is already here. And as I write these words, I believe You. I am not afraid, and it feels so good to be not afraid. I am not worried about how things will work out. I trust that they will work out. They have already worked out. They are already working out.
I trust You. Thankfully, Gratefully, Humbly, Joyously, I believe…
Day 228
New Beginnings
Hi there…
I’m at my alma mater, about to stay up all night doing work, like the other college kids… Except I’m not a college kid, but they don’t know that..
I’m leaving town in less than a week, going abroad to start work on my international heal the world venture. Yes, that venture that I’ve been talking about forever. It’s happening. The ticket is bought. One of our team members has already left…
Some weeks are dry and then some days everything happens at once. So much has happened since my last entry.
Taking a moment to sort things out before I put the final touches on one of my creative writing projects…
I’m grateful…
Someone broke my heart this week. I know. You’re like, what? How is that possible? There wasn’t even anyone in my life to break my heart… There wasn’t. But there was. A guy. I’d known him for a while, but never had a romantic type thing with him… Then one day I said my prayers, and I was meditating… I’d always thought he was a fabulous human being… But on this particular day, somehow in my prayers, the thought of a husband came to mind, and then I saw his face. This guy… And I asked if he was my husband, and the answer was yes, but the answer was no… Meaning the answer was yes on my part, but he would have to choose me…
And so I told him about my prayer and my vision, and he said that he didn’t “think” and he didn’t “view” and he didn’t “see” us being together. But he wouldn’t pray about it. He wouldn’t say that he didn’t choose me… He wasn’t willing to go there. He wasn’t even willing to ask a prayerful question about me. And that hurt. Because he’s a prayerful kind of guy.
And it hurts now as I’m writing about it, because I hadn’t thought about a husband in almost a year… I mean, I had thought about it, but I hadn’t been led to connect with anyone on that level in almost a year. But after I saw homeboy in a vision, I thought it was him, you know? I was sure… And it was strange to be so sure about a thing and then it not happen. To choose a thing and then it not choose me.
And so I cried. Because, hey, what else was there to do? I argued with him until he got tired of arguing with me. How could he not know that he was the one? Why wouldn’t he pray about it? Why didn’t he see the vision that I saw? It just didn’t make sense, God. All of this disharmony of wills just didn’t make sense… Because there are guys in my life who had chosen me. They had dreamed of me and hoped and prayed and begged and I don’t know if they had seen me in a vision as their wife, one of my exes said he had, but I had not chosen them, or maybe we had chosen each other for a time and then one of us deviated…
And it didn’t make sense that one person could want a thing and choose a thing, and the thing they chose wouldn’t choose them back, because according to what I’ve been learning, God, You said that for every cause there was an effect, and I thought that it meant that for every inspired wanting, there was an answer to that wanting…
And I feel like Trinity from “The Matrix”.. The oracle said I would fall in Love with the one to birth my child, but he doesn’t choose me, and he thinks I’m trying to force my will on him, and the whole crying, red-eyed thing is not looking too good on me, and so I have to stop… I have to let it go. I have to let him go, even though I don’t understand how and why and why not… Am I ugly? Or too poor? Or not successful enough? Or maybe I laugh too loud or I don’t do my nails or I’m too serious or too sweet. Maybe I don’t talk the right way or I talk about the wrong things…
You see what rejection will make you do? It will make you doubt your very worth. It will make you doubt your very right to be yourself. It will make you wonder if you are okay, with all of your idiosyncrasies and all of your failures. It will have you thinking that you have to be another way, other than you, in order to be Loved…
But it’s not true. Rejection is a lie! Don’t get it twisted, they probably don’t want to be with you for whatever reason, but if you didn’t do anything… If you didn’t cheat or lie or steal or hurt or try to manipulate the object of your desire… If you gave your all and tried your best and opened your heart as big as it could open, danced your greatest dance, wrote your best resume and handed your whole self to that one that would pick you… If you did all that and they said, “no thanks”…
It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re not worth sh*t. It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. It doesn’t even mean (hard as this is to swallow) that something’s wrong with them, or that they can’t see or they’re stupid or whatever, even though it makes us feel good to talk about them. It just means that they didn’t choose you. Perhaps they don’t make choices from the same place you make choices. Perhaps when choosing a candidate for a job or a life partner, they don’t want the best qualified. They may want the least threatening or the one who doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they want the prettiest candidate. Or maybe they want the easiest or the one that will make them look the best… You see where I’m going.
Our choices are all not made from the same places, so while I’m sitting over here moving on a vision, the object of my affection may be compelled to act from other motives. He obviously did not consider visioning and praying when it came to deciding about me. And I can’t get mad at him. I mean, I could, but that wouldn’t do any of us any good. He has a right to his reason for being just as much as I have a right to mine.
I’ve been asking why for the past few days… How come I would be clear about a thing and it’s not clear about me? The answer hasn’t come yet. I could try and rationalize it and say that I have to grow some more or I could say that the thing of my choosing has to grow some more or I could be all philosophical and say that there must be some lesson trying to emerge.. Or I could be honest and say I really don’t know why these things happen.
What I do know is that even in the midst of our unchosen-ness, we can decide what to do with our good selves. We can choose whether or not to harbor bitterness or we can decide to let the things that don’t choose us choose what they may. We can bless them and free our spirits for other opportunities, even if it’s them in the future… We can honor our feelings and let ourselves cry until we are done. We can improve on our own character and our own lives, not so that they will Love us, but so that we will be proud of how we show up in the world. We can forgive. Yes, again. And again. We can forgive.
And we can even choose Progress and Joy and Openness and Love and Divine Guidance and Abundance. Oh, and Self-expression! We can choose a Fabulously delicious Life in the midst of our disappointment. In the midst of our lack of understanding. Understanding does not have to be a condition for happiness…
In the midst, of our unchosen-ness, let us not forget that we still have choice. Let us not forget that we are still enough…
Day 227
When What You Choose Doesn’t Choose You… Choose.
Morning World,
I’m at my sister’s place, by the ocean… My nephew and his dad just woke up, so I might have to go to my sanctuary (my car) to write this post. We’ll see what happens…
I ended up in the car… Too much talking, baby making noise… My sister woke up as well… I wrote a whole bunch already, but I’m starting over… Give me a minute to check in.
My almost-husband is leaving town tomorrow. I’m sad about it… I know, I haven’t filled you in. I had this fundraising party a few days ago. A lot happened surrounding the planning and execution of the party, but if I can sum it up: There was a lot of drama. I trusted people to help me and found out later that they were trying to sabotage the event for various reasons. Some people on the planning team came through and gave their all to help, and others flaked out and canceled at the last minute.
Mr. Almost Famous, my almost, could-have-been husband, hosted the event for me and championed me the whole time.
I got stronger, I learned to speak up, I learned to be nice to people even when they are not nice to me… Mostly, I learned not to take things personal. I dealt with strong and powerful people and the only way to deal with strong and powerful people without getting bulldozed by them is to be a strong and powerful person. And that doesn’t mean you have to be mean or arrogant or evil. It just means that you have to recognize that you, too, are valuable, and your ideas are valuable. You have to be able to stand in a room with folks who are going to try and pimp you in any and all ways possible and say, “No, I’m not doing that. I’d like this to happen”. You’re going to have to say, “Such and such is my friend, and I’d never do that to him, even if it would make me more money”. When you interact with strong and powerful people, you are forced to come to terms with who you really are and what you stand for.
Are you gonna let them turn you into a monster or are you gonna keep on praying and believing in goodness anyway?
When somebody betrays you, are you going to lose faith in humankind and get all bitter or are you going to seek out those whom you can trust?
Because the truth of the matter is, our limited experiences do not encompass the entirety of the universe. Just because we haven’t experienced loyalty doesn’t mean loyalty does not exist. It all exists. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s up to us to decide how we want to do this life thing.
And it sounds so simple, right? Here you are, single, broke, unaccomplished, or in some horrible ordeal, and you just wake up one day and decide that you want your life to be the opposite, even though maybe you’ve never experienced that, and your life is supposed to change… You want a happy relationship, a lot of money, true success… Maybe you’ve never even known anyone that has any of those things. And we are supposed to just sit here and decide that we want a kind of life that we’ve never even seen anyone experience and then it’s supposed to happen? It sounds ludicrous.
But I ask you, how else is it going to happen and what are the alternatives? Settle for a stupid life? Settle for fake, back-stabbing Hollywood relationships? Dumb ourselves down and hate anyone more successful than us? Don’t smile too big except when we are watching movies alone? Cry ourselves to sleep at night? Don’t ever let ourselves feel stuff anymore? Don’t get too close or too kind? I mean, really, what are the alternatives to going for it? Drinking and drugging and sexing our lives away so that we don’t have to think about how much pain we’re in? Cheating on each other? Lying all the time?
Let’s just be real. These are the alternatives to happiness. These are the alternatives to going for it. Of course, there is also the possibility of an “OK” life. A steady job that will help one eventually buy a house and a car and whatever else. A steady relationship that will provide a source for children and companionship, even though there might not be that much love and passion. It’s even possible that an ok life can be a good life, and it can be exactly what some people want… Everyone doesn’t have to experience everything.
I think what it comes down to is knowing who you are and knowing what is important to you. And then making a decision about what our lives are about…
My fundraising party crossed me over from girl to woman. Women don’t care about posing for the world. They do what they are compelled to do. Even when they are afraid, they take action. They Love fiercely and protect their loved ones. Women choose what kind of lives they want to live instead of being pushed around by the current winds of the world. I am a woman now. I’m actually a woman…
I’m sitting in my car dropping tears because this chapter is over, the whole party planning thing… The whole Mr. Almost Famous thing… It’s consumed my life for the past month, and it’s over now.
I feel things in my heart again… I have Love in me again… I’m not scared of it, now, though. I don’t know what happened. I’m not scared of getting hurt. I have real friends and family. I see who they are… They came through and represented at the party…
New chapter now… We’re still on an intentional adventure. I think we’ll stay here until we’ve accomplished some things. A marriage, a book or song or script sale, a whole bunch of money that gets me completely out of debt, a job I really love… Any of these would be physical signs that, yes, I have graduated from this part of my life. I’m on my way. There have been triumphs.
I’m back to not quitting things and that’s a big, big deal. I have pure space for actual love, and I don’t think I’ve been that way since I was eleven years old! I actually have been working and making income, so I’m on my way. I Love people again. I care about people again. And I even let people Love and care about me, and people have been so good to me… This is actually who I really am, a sweet, goofy, hypersensitive, idealistic, nerdy, smart, studious, dancing, exercise-loving, tomboyish, passionate, goody-two-shoes woman…
Let the haters hate and fight until they knock themselves out. They have no power over me. The past has no power over me. There is no alternative for me. There is only a good life on the horizon. There is only a good life here and now. I am grateful for it. I cast my will, Lord, upon the waves of existence. I allow You to make the future come to pass as it will. I stand in faith and confidence that God is for me, and not against me. I am willing and ready to be guided into Truth and Liberty. And I say Yes! Yes to Life! Yes to Love! Yes to a Goodness and a Joy that is more than I can even fathom! Yes to manifesting my Destiny in this Lifetime! Yes to Progress and Abundance and Success!!!! Yes, Yes, Yes!!! There are no alternatives to happiness for me… None at all.
Day 226
The Alternatives To Happiness
I was afraid and so I sat down to blog about an hour ago. Then I closed my eyes to pray and meditate. And I am not afraid anymore.
I am having to do grown-up stuff now, stepping into my true calling… Sometimes it is scary to deal with big and powerful people when you are used to feeling small. Sometimes it is scary to step out and tell the world who you are and what you’d like to do, risking that you will be rejected, risking that people will stab you in the back, risking that you will not be successful….
And we come to the place of prayer, the place of surety, Ya Kafil… The place without fear. From here, we can see life clearly. We can plant seeds of confidence and excellence. We can make decisions for forward movement…
I’m moving forward. Soon I’m going to have a husband. I feel it. Soon my writing will be done, at least this phase of it… Soon I will have a lot of money… Soon, God willing, the community center I envisioned will be built. Soon, the me that I have always felt in my spirit will be me…
Life is different already. I am so much stronger. I am so much more at peace. I am so much willing and wanting to participate in this life… I dare say I am so happy… Even now.
This is what happens when I pray. Everything on the outside disappears and it is like a magic place opens up in my mind. I can even feel the presence of my heart in my body. All things seem possible to me and I feel bold and safe. The fear evaporates. Action is taken. Forgiveness takes over… Clarity takes over. Fear dissipates. Life has a totally different meaning. Peace becomes important and the mind is focused. Love… Love opens up in my heart.
My heart is open again. I guess it’s been almost a year since the disappearance of Dream Lover. My heart is open again. Oh, sweet Love. Oh, sweet Life. I am overwhelmed with the possibilities of all that you could be. I let go all the evil. Choosing good over evil in this moment. I’m choosing faith again. I’m choosing boldness. I’m choosing movement and ease.
You are making me into myself. I feel it. And if I had to go through this storm, if I had to cry a whole year straight and get my heart broken over and over… Whatever I’ve been through and whatever I go through, it’s worth it if I will actually be able to say that I lived my true destiny on Earth, if I actually am able to become my true self…
Oh, I’m in Love again. With nothing in particular. Here’s to a new day. A new day indeed…
225
Grown-Up Stuff
Good morning!
I’m so excited! It’s my birthday today!!!! I feel like a little kid. I want to go put on a pretty pink hat so everyone can give me a gift and tell me how special I am and how much they love me. I Love birthdays.
I just wrote a long birthday blog about all the things I’m thankful for and all the little golden tidbits I have learned over the past year, but I don’t feel like posting that one.
My birthday has already been wonderful. I’m getting off the internet so I can go do one of my favorite things: hike out in nature and smell the trees before it gets too hot. I’m going dancing today. I’m spending time with people I Love and people who Love me. I am recognizing all the people in my life who are such generous, giving, kind, Loving, fun, creative, alive souls and being grateful for them. Me. I have friends. Me. I have people in my life that I Love. Even now.
I am letting go of all the dark stuff. It has been falling away for some time. I let it go again. The feeling I have today is priceless. I want to dance. I want to share. I want to smile. I want to enjoy. I want to pray. I want to give. I am not worried about tomorrow. I trust that tomorrow will work itself out just fine and in this moment, oh this lovely moment, I am confident that all of my efforts will not go in vain. Every little bit adds up…
… My brother just called me to wish me happy birthday. My brother, who I used to fight and war with… The guy who was my best friend growing up… He’s my brother again…
I am so grateful today, God. I don’t think it can be captured in words. Today is an abstract picture, a beautiful dance, a heartfelt prayer. I am alive today. I am sitting inside of my embodied spirit. The real me is back…
I start this day with God, my trusted companion. The thoughts in my head mean something today. It matters. It feels like change. No, growth. Love. It feels like openness and assurance. I’m on my way to my favorite park. I have to go.
I know this is not one of my best entries, because what I have to give right now is more than words, and I’ll have to grow a little more to find the exact words to express this… Sunshine. Babies’ smiles. All rightness. A feeling of magic, a feeling that your life is and can actually be whatever you like… A deep and profound gratitude… More than words is enough for me today…
Day 224
More Than Words
hownottocryeveryday 