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Day 231 – The Future Never Comes

June 18, 2013

Hi There,

It’s nighttime. I’m home alone, not falling apart like the last entry. Time passes and things change. You could be falling apart one day and on cloud nine the next, and not even be bipolar.

I’m not on cloud nine, and I’m not falling apart. I’m pensive, trying to remember what this last chapter is about. There’s a guy on Facebook chat. He’s pretty awesome. Never met him in person, just a Facebook friend, but we’ve had such heated discussions on chat. He even wrote a poem about one of arguments once. I want to say hi to him, but he’s a jerk. A talented, intuitive, strong and powerful jerk, but a jerk nonetheless. I feel like he should say hi to me because I always say hi to him. I feel like if I say hi to him, I’m just going to encourage the big head that he already has. I turned off my Facebook chat for all friends except him, because he posted this really touching post tonight about working hard not to feel empty… I know where he’s coming from… He allows us to see his vulnerable side… That takes courage… He is reaching out to the ether world, hoping someone will care… I think I’ll say hi.

It’s amazing… I was in a lot of pain, physically and mentally…. I said hi to him. He said hi to me back, mimicking my tone… He’s such a jerk, lol. A bullheaded jerk like me. I’ll finish writing my blog. When I’m finished, if he’s still on I’ll chat with him…

I did some yoga tonight. The thought comes, “Don’t try to change him, just love him.”… I did some yoga tonight. I won’t try to change him, God. I’ll let You do what You must through me… I did some yoga tonight. My body was aching. Poses that used to be so easy for me were difficult and I could feel places where stuff was just knotted up and stuck. I didn’t realize that yoga had had my body feeling so free and easy and that stuff could actually get stuck if I didn’t move it around.

I feel better now. Not so trapped. Not so disempowered. Not so alone. My apartment is dark and I have one candle lit in front of the computer. I’m going somewhere with this. Honestly, I just want to reach out and touch someone. I want to be a part of something. The world. Anything. That’s why I’m writing tonight. Because I want someone, anyone, to read what I say. I want someone to know that I exist. I want someone to see me just as I am, and I want my presence to matter, even if it’s only for a little entertainment for some person who can’t go to sleep.

The new book that I’m reading, Science of the Mind, says that we can have any kind of life that we want if we just learn the laws of the universe and abide by them. I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but I think the concept is worth investigating.

You know, I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being poor and pathetic and alone and underemployed and I’m tired of having all this stuff in me, this love and these words and this smile and this dance, and feeling like I can’t share it with anyone. That doesn’t even make sense. I remember when I was younger, my first boyfriend. I used to think that he was the only one I could be myself with and when we broke up I went into a little shell, but that doesn’t even make sense. Who says we can’t just be ourselves? What are we so afraid of? So what if my Facebook friend is a jerk? I wanted to gift him with a word of care. Why would I let him stop me from expressing what is in me to express? It doesn’t even make sense. Living in this closed box and not sharing and not giving and not expressing what is in me to give doesn’t even make sense anymore.

I have work to do. Each one of changes the fate of the universe ever so slightly with our little lives. We can get tired. We can be afraid. We can take a hiatus, but the world doesn’t stop moving just because we do, and if we pause too long we will see that we have indeed begun to move backwards.

No pressure. Just a realization. I’m glad you woke me up with all this pain in my body, God, and helped me to see what happens when you don’t pay attention to your health and forward movement. I am planting seeds for my new life. Will You be my friend tonight, God, as we dream good things together? Will you help me to know that they are not only dreams? Will You comfort me and help me to know that these things of my dreams are not made to torment me, but are the visions designed to pull me up and into myself after I have learned all that I need to know to be myself?

Let us vision this into existence. This sharing. This easyness. This goodness. This love. This true expression. This success. This peacefulness that fills my imagination. Let Us see it as real. As possible. As now. For us. Not as some fairytale for other people. For us. Happiness for Us. Success for Us. Love For us. Now. Now. Now. I can reach out and touch someone and share tonight. Now. I don’t have to wait until I’m a published author. Now. I can be Grateful now. I can pour every ounce of myself into everything now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. I Trust that You will Guide me. I Trust that You will take care of me. I Trust that I am on the Right path and I choose to step into my life now… Now…

Day 231

The Future Never Comes

From → New Beginnings

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