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Day 230 – Life Intervention (Live Again)

June 11, 2013

This new beginning ish has got me going crazy.

I’m taking a moment to intervene on my behalf. I have been sinking low, low, low since I touched down in LA and I need an intervention.

Someone just sent me a horribly disgusting and offensive pic.

I wrote a song for a famous, award-winning singer. Her name is on my inbox. It took me over six months to find her, reach out to her, and actually get her to listen to the song I wrote. I thought the song was great. I Love it. I was inspired to write it for her. And she sent me an email yesterday, telling me that my song was “nice” but not what she was looking for…

This past weekend I went to the emergency room. I was having really bad stomach pains. They gave me a check-up and some meds and the next day I experienced the absolute worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life as I went through the healing process…

And Dream Lover’s in town. He didn’t call me. He posted it on his Facebook. In case you don’t know who he is, Dream Lover the last guy I was in an official relationship with. We broke up about a year ago. He had promised me a condo in LA, $5000 a month to support me while I write, a trip to South Africa, two children, homemade hot chocolate, and a lifetime of smiles, creativity, companionship and excitement. I was in love with him. And then we got into an argument. And he disappeared…

And I didn’t realize until a few days ago that I was devastated. I didn’t realize until I came back to LA that I have been lonely out of my mind for the past year or so. I didn’t realize that I had been living so far below normal. You can’t really tell when you’re so busy being busy… Surviving and sh*t…

But when you have a reprieve like I did, and you spend time with friends and family who you love, and you get a chance to actually taste a moment of success like we did when I went overseas, and you accomplish something meaningful that actually means something to you…. Man, I need an intervention right now before I fall apart or get too mad and curse someone out or skip states on some random adventure that will lead me nowhere or quit my job for no good reason… I need a moment of silence to get it together and remember something, anything, that will move me forward.

I’ve been sinking. I remembered Love for a moment. I was in Love with someone. I Loved someone for real. The first unconditional love of my life. And he smashed my heart. He broke my heart for real. I have a lifetime of broken hearts and I have to ask, what did I do so wrong, God? Did I offend You? What did I do? I am sorry. Please forgive me…

I am taking a moment to intervene on my behalf, because my life doesn’t look like I want it. I am sure that I can find the good. I am sure I can somewhere, but I don’t feel like finding the good. I don’t feel like working hard on a creative project that I’m in love with just for it to get rejected. I don’t feel like working and working a 9 to 5 that I hate just to barely pay back debt. I don’t feel like being so alone anymore. I want another life and I don’t want it to take another two years before my life is my life…

It always feels like I’m almost there and then something tragic happens. Almost married. Almost wealthy. Almost successful in my creative endeavors. Almost finished with my community development initiatives. Almost can pay my rent on my own… Almost…

This is what it feels like to start over. I don’t want to pretend that everything is always all easy and inspirational. It’s not. Sometimes nothing makes sense and you start doubting yourself. You start feeling like you’re a bad person and maybe you’re being punished. You start thinking that maybe you picked the wrong religion or the wrong city or country or profession. You wonder why this is happening to you…

I don’t have an answer. I’m trying to figure it out myself. I think, though, that at some point you have to learn to take action even if you don’t have an answer. I think that faith is necessary. There’s no way around it. The sun is going to rise. The world is going to continue on whether you cry or not. Time is going to pass if you don’t kill yourself, and we are going to get older. I can’t cry for my lost loves forever. I can’t bemoan my life situation forever and just sit in my apartment not making any effort to move forward. I can’t say I’ll never write a song again or never submit my song to anyone else, because if I never write a song again, then my song will surely never be heard…

So I come to you, God, or Whoever You are. Spirit. All-Encompassing. I am coming to You. I am here. I am here, intervening on my own behalf. The world is looking dark to me, but I don’t want my world to be dark anymore. I don’t know how to do it. My mind can’t figure out how to change my relationship habits or how to be successful, but I know that just because I can’t figure out something doesn’t mean that it’s an impossibility for me. I know that. I don’t understand the secrets of the Universe, but I know that miracles are real because I have seen them. I know that change is possible because I have experienced it, and so I am coming to You, the Author of Change. Tell me what name to call You and I shall call You by it, but just tell me the truth, please. I am so tired of lies and fakeness. Just tell me the truth.

I am willing to be strong. I am willing to understand. I am willing to follow. I don’t want these ugly things in my life any more, like disgusting pics from silly men. I don’t want to be abandoned anymore. I don’t want to be poor anymore. I want to be useful in the world. I want to Love again. I want to Live again. I think my writing could help a lot of people. I think my stories could help a lot of people. I think my leadership could help  a lot of people. I want to share them. I want to share myself, God, and I want to participate as other people share themselves and their gifts with me. I want my life to be a good life. If I never had a good life before, I want my life to be a good life now.

I am petitioning on my behalf. I am intervening in this moment where I could sink. I am choosing to live again, maybe for the first time ever. I am choosing open doors. I know they exist. I am choosing to see them and walk through them. I am choosing to be Guided. I am choosing the most High and Holy support, the kind that removes all obstacles. I am choosing to Live. Again. And again. And again… Ameen.

Day 230

Life Intervention (Live Again)

From → New Beginnings

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