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Day 227 – When What You Choose Doesn’t Choose You

May 12, 2013

Hi there…

I’m at my alma mater, about to stay up all night doing work, like the other college kids… Except I’m not a college kid, but they don’t know that..

I’m leaving town in less than a week, going abroad to start work on my international heal the world venture. Yes, that venture that I’ve been talking about forever. It’s happening. The ticket is bought. One of our team members has already left…

Some weeks are dry and then some days everything happens at once. So much has happened since my last entry.

Taking a moment to sort things out before I put the final touches on one of my creative writing projects…

I’m grateful…

Someone broke my heart this week. I know. You’re like, what? How is that possible? There wasn’t even anyone in my life to break my heart… There wasn’t. But there was. A guy. I’d known him for a while, but never had a romantic type thing with him… Then one day I said my prayers, and I was meditating… I’d always thought he was a fabulous human being… But on this particular day, somehow in my prayers, the thought of a husband came to mind, and then I saw his face. This guy… And I asked if he was my husband, and the answer was yes, but the answer was no… Meaning the answer was yes on my part, but he would have to choose me…

And so I told him about my prayer and my vision, and he said that he didn’t “think” and he didn’t “view” and he didn’t “see” us being together. But he wouldn’t pray about it. He wouldn’t say that he didn’t choose me… He wasn’t willing to go there. He wasn’t even willing to ask a prayerful question about me. And that hurt. Because he’s a prayerful kind of guy.

And it hurts now as I’m writing about it, because I hadn’t thought about a husband in almost a year… I mean, I had thought about it, but I hadn’t been led to connect with anyone on that level in almost a year. But after I saw homeboy in a vision, I thought it was him, you know? I was sure… And it was strange to be so sure about a thing and then it not happen. To choose a thing and then it not choose me.

And so I cried. Because, hey, what else was there to do? I argued with him until he got tired of arguing with me. How could he not know that he was the one? Why wouldn’t he pray about it? Why didn’t he see the vision that I saw? It just didn’t make sense, God. All of this disharmony of wills just didn’t make sense… Because there are guys in my life who had chosen me. They had dreamed of me and hoped and prayed and begged and I don’t know if they had seen me in a vision as their wife, one of my exes said he had, but I had not chosen them, or maybe we had chosen each other for a time and then one of us deviated…

And it didn’t make sense that one person could want a thing and choose a thing, and the thing they chose wouldn’t choose them back, because according to what I’ve been learning, God, You said that for every cause there was an effect, and I thought that it meant that for every inspired wanting, there was an answer to that wanting…

And I feel like Trinity from “The Matrix”.. The oracle said I would fall in Love with the one to birth my child, but he doesn’t choose me, and he thinks I’m trying to force my will on him, and the whole crying, red-eyed thing is not looking too good on me, and so I have to stop… I have to let it go. I have to let him go, even though I don’t understand how and why and why not… Am I ugly? Or too poor? Or not successful enough? Or maybe I laugh too loud or I don’t do my nails or I’m too serious or too sweet. Maybe I don’t talk the right way or I talk about the wrong things…

You see what rejection will make you do? It will make you doubt your very worth. It will make you doubt your very right to be yourself. It will make you wonder if you are okay, with all of your idiosyncrasies and all of your failures. It will have you thinking that you have to be another way, other than you, in order to be Loved…

But it’s not true. Rejection is a lie! Don’t get it twisted, they probably don’t want to be with you for whatever reason, but if you didn’t do anything… If you didn’t cheat or lie or steal or hurt or try to manipulate the object of your desire… If you gave your all and tried your best and opened your heart as big as it could open, danced your greatest dance, wrote your best resume and handed your whole self to that one that would pick you… If you did all that and they said, “no thanks”…

It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re not worth sh*t. It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you. It doesn’t even mean (hard as this is to swallow) that something’s wrong with them, or that they can’t see or they’re stupid or whatever, even though it makes us feel good to talk about them. It just means that they didn’t choose you. Perhaps they don’t make choices from the same place you make choices. Perhaps when choosing a candidate for a job or a life partner, they don’t want the best qualified. They may want the least threatening or the one who doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they want the prettiest candidate. Or maybe they want the easiest or the one that will make them look the best… You see where I’m going.

Our choices are all not made from the same places, so while I’m sitting over here moving on a vision, the object of my affection may be compelled to act from other motives. He obviously did not consider visioning and praying when it came to deciding about me. And I can’t get mad at him. I mean, I could, but that wouldn’t do any of us any good. He has a right to his reason for being just as much as I have a right to mine.

I’ve been asking why for the past few days… How come I would be clear about a thing and it’s not clear about me?  The answer hasn’t come yet. I could try and rationalize it and say that I have to grow some more or I could say that the thing of my choosing has to grow some more or I could be all philosophical and say that there must be some lesson trying to emerge.. Or I could be honest and say I really don’t know why these things happen.

What I do know is that even in the midst of our unchosen-ness, we can decide what to do with our good selves. We can choose whether or not to harbor bitterness or we can decide to let the things that don’t choose us choose what they may. We can bless them and free our spirits for other opportunities, even if it’s them in the future… We can honor our feelings and let ourselves cry until we are done. We can improve on our own character and our own lives, not so that they will Love us, but so that we will be proud of how we show up in the world. We can forgive. Yes, again. And again. We can forgive.

And we can even choose Progress and Joy and Openness and Love and Divine Guidance and Abundance. Oh, and Self-expression! We can choose a Fabulously delicious Life in the midst of our disappointment. In the midst of our lack of understanding. Understanding does not have to be a condition for happiness…

In the midst, of our unchosen-ness, let us not forget that we still have choice. Let us not forget that we are still enough…

Day 227

When What You Choose Doesn’t Choose You… Choose.

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