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Day 229 – Beyond Desperation

June 7, 2013

Hi there.

This is my third time trying to write this blog. I started the first one at 8:25 and then at 9:45. Now it’s 10:12…

There’s a lot. Going through changes even as I’m writing. Where should I start? Exposition. In Los Angeles, back in my apartment. Have a job that I started two days ago. Off work today, but my boss just called me ‘cus she relies on her subordinates to manage her life. Been hanging out with a friend that I call my fake boyfriend for the past few days. Single. Don’t have that much money, but new job provides a stable income source that will help me move forward financially. Feeling alone and slightly anxious about LA after having been surrounded by Love, support, and engaged in purposeful work for the past couple of months. Rebuilding everything…

Let’s start there. Rebuilding… How? comes to mind… But don’t want to think about how. Fingers feeling super tingly. Breathing not so easy, but not anxious. Sensations disconnected. Like, I know I’m supposed to feel scared right now, but I don’t. But I still feel lonely. Well, kind of. I recognize that I’m lonely, but the feeling isn’t there, like the anxious self-pitying desperation is not present, nor is the willfulness that would have me get up and go join some group or whatever so that I could be not lonely… I don’t get it. And even though I don’t get it, I don’t feel confused.

Bear with me, please. I come here to figure myself out or to express myself or sometimes to help others. Right now I’m figuring things out so that I can start my day with a clear mind. Having a clear mind has become important to me. I am crying right now and I don’t even know why. I’m not feeling crazy or even sad. I’m feeling like a sense of relief. It is strange. Things are happening in the world around me, in the lives of others and even my own. The same dramas and different ones, the same needs and wants, but I feel differently about everything. I feel relieved that I can stand on the outside of everything, without being emotionally attached, and see things for what they are.

This is an actual new beginning. And this is what I’m learning about new beginnings. They are laced with fear and anxiety. You are stepping into the unknown after your life and brain have been patterned with other ways. And there are so many ways to do this life thing. If you are new and you don’t have a teacher or you have a bad teacher, then you’re going to have to figure things out on your own… I don’t really have a teacher to tell me, “This is how you hook up with the man of your dreams and make it last and this is how you live your purpose and this is how you make a bunch of money and this is how you find out the meaning of life and pick the right spiritual path. Oh, and this is how you sustain meaningful relationships with people who are in your physical presence.”  California is big on life coaches, but I don’t know if anyone else has the answer to anyone else’s life. Mentors and parents and people who have accomplished what you are trying to accomplish can provide guidance, but ultimately, as grown-ups, our lives are our own inventions…

So I’m here and it’s still morning and I have come to step one in new beginings: overcoming desperation. You will feel afraid of this new you. You will feel like you can’t do whatever you are trying to do and you will feel trapped. You will have to pay whatever bill and feel like you have to work whatever job or you will feel alone and feel like you have to be with whatever person (who you probably don’t really want to be with) or you will feel dumb or inadequate or unable or worthless or tired or confused or ugly or too old or too young and ultimately any of these demons may lead you to the fiend of all fiends: desperation. This is where, in the past, you take that drug or sleep with that person or steal or connive or lie or just lay on the bed all day and do nothing or run away. Because you are desperate and you feel like you have to do that thing that you don’t want to do in order to survive.

But you don’t have to do it. You don’t even have to be desperate. Really. Most of the time, our most urgent dramas aren’t going to kill us. And if we take a moment to consider that there are possibilities and solutions that are beyond what we can presently imagine, then we just might open up a space in ourselves that allows for the solutions to come forth.

And that is what I am doing right now. I am choosing to overcome desperation. Once and for all. In this very moment, despite my thoughts and feelings, I am choosing to be open to all of life and that it is. I am choosing to be Guided by You, the Guider of all Things. I am opening a space for progress now. Yes. I look for and I open my life for the ways in which I can move forward, not just maintain a status quo that I am not satisfied with. With your Blessing, Allah, I give myself permission to again move past the fear, to again have strength, to again be focused, to again express and receive Love and support, to again be connected and guided, to know success, to know what it is to be uplifted, to know integrity, oh, to know financial freedom, to have my gifts received, to receive what is given. I am no longer desperate. I live in Freedom and Truth…. Even now.

Ameen.

Day 229

Beyond Desperation

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From → New Beginnings

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