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Day 233 – We Dream And Become (And Dream…)

June 26, 2013

I wrote this whole thing complaining about work again, but I’ll spare you.

My boss gave me a bunch of extra work today just as I was about to finish my to-do list.

My new to-do list is massive, so I’m stopping now and checking in with the true true, as they said on Cloud Atlas.

The book I’ve been reading, Science of the Mind, claims that if we can believe and know that anything is possible for us, then anything is possible for us and we can have as great of a life as we imagine.

So, I have been imagining about this future thing for some time. This day, or this moment when my life will be exactly as I dreamed it could be. And as I am sitting here, I realize that there was a time in my life when I hoped that my life would be exactly as it is now. And it is quite uncanny that I am actually living one of my dreams come true in this moment. There was a time that I prayed that I could travel the world and meet all kinds of cool people. I distinctly remember being a child and hoping that I could go out in the wilderness with a Native American. There was a time when I was so down and out, living with folks, and I hoped that I would just be able to live on my own and eat the things that I liked to eat. There was a time when I prayed that I would have a car so that I wouldn’t have to take public transportation and get harrassed. And there was a time when I just wished that I could get off my bed and not feel so much pain… There was even a time when all I wanted was a job at the institution that I’m working at now… And all of those dreams have come true.

I’m sitting here and realizing that my life right now is one of my dreams come true, and even other aspects of some of my dreams, Love, have come true… Can you imagine? It still seems like it was a misty dream, my moments with Dream Lover only a year ago. But can you imagine the kind of life that I experienced? There was so much Love and such a wonderfully high vibration everywhere. I could barely catch my breath and maintain because everything in me was all tingly and alive. These people spent their days and nights deciding what they wanted to do in the world and then they just did it. Not for money. Not for fame. They had enough money. They didn’t have any debt. No debt at all in this world. They did what they wanted to do with their time… My dream of Love and the kind of life that I wanted to live has already come true. I have tasted it in moments and I am tasting it in moments even now…

As I am growing, I see that my dreams expand and I think that’s how it goes. You dream of shelter and food first if you don’t have it, but once you get it, that’s no longer a concern and you dream of the things that you want to do with your life. You dream of an escape if you are mired in pain, but once the pain is gone and you have become strong, your dreams are motivated by thoughts of love and harmony. And I am finding that life is so much more than just trying to survive or get by or abate some kind of pain or get over. I am grateful for the awareness that I am developing from having this job… My apartment manager just told me that I can’t have the parking spot that I thought I was going to get and I am grateful. I am grateful for absolutely nothing right now, God, and I am grateful to feel grateful.

My mojo is slowing coming back. This is interesting because it didn’t just come back in one big bust. I have been working hard these past few weeks and pushing myself. I have decided that life is more than the current thought or feeling. They pass. All the fears pass if you just sit with them and look at them long enough. You see them for what they are. Fears. Lies. Power thieves.

I am stepping away from myself, out of myself. I see myself sitting in this office, typing this blog. I am beautiful. Tragically beautiful. I want to talk to myself for a while. Don’t think I’m crazy. I just need to talk to myself for a while, tell myself good job for not quitting. Good job for not being a scaredy cat. Good job for recognizing your worth finally. Good job for finding a way not to cry every day? Can you even remember how dark those days were? I know you can’t. But you remember that it happened and that memory had made you truly empathetic…

Good job for honoring your body and your sacred spaces. Good job for being kind even when it wasn’t easy. Good job for saying no even when you were lonely. Good job for wanting to Love. Good job for wanting to give. Good job for even thinking about adding value to this Earth. Good job for forgiving. Good job for not taking on other people’s issues and yet still being involved. Good job, Laydie. People are watching you, you know. They may not tell you, but you make a difference. It doesn’t matter at the end of the day, but it does. You understand? Good job at being compassionate. Good job at being open and letting people share with you. Open more. There is more coming your way…

You can live here and now. The future has its place just as the past does. But you are here now, a result of the past. The past thoughts, the past actions, the past reactions. You are building the future in the present and you are choosing each and every experience, you are the experience, you are the dream come true right now. So Laydie, enjoy it, even now. Enjoy everything you have worked so hard for and everything you are just beginning to see in this new world. It is now. Your life is now, and oh, how sweet it is. How sweet it can be.

Day 233

We Dream and Become (And Dream…)

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