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Day 226 – The Alternative To Happy

May 5, 2013

Morning World,

I’m at my sister’s place, by the ocean… My nephew and his dad just woke up, so I might have to go to my sanctuary (my car) to write this post. We’ll see what happens…

I ended up in the car… Too much talking, baby making noise… My sister woke up as well… I wrote a whole bunch already, but I’m starting over… Give me a minute to check in.

My almost-husband is leaving town tomorrow. I’m sad about it… I know, I haven’t filled you in. I had this fundraising party a few days ago. A lot happened surrounding the planning and execution of the party, but if I can sum it up: There was a lot of drama. I trusted people to help me and found out later that they were trying to sabotage the event for various reasons. Some people on the planning team came through and gave their all to help, and others flaked out and canceled at the last minute.

Mr. Almost Famous, my almost, could-have-been husband, hosted the event for me and championed me the whole time.

I got stronger, I learned to speak up, I learned to be nice to people even when they are not nice to me… Mostly, I learned not to take things personal. I dealt with strong and powerful people and the only way to deal with strong and powerful people without getting bulldozed by them is to be a strong and powerful person. And that doesn’t mean you have to be mean or arrogant or evil. It just means that you have to recognize that you, too, are valuable, and your ideas are valuable. You have to be able to stand in a room with folks who are going to try and pimp you in any and all ways possible and say, “No, I’m not doing that. I’d like this to happen”. You’re going to have to say, “Such and such is my friend, and I’d never do that to him, even if it would make me more money”. When you interact with strong and powerful people, you are forced to come to terms with who you really are and what you stand for.

Are you gonna let them turn you into a monster or are you gonna keep on praying and believing in goodness anyway?

When somebody betrays you, are you going to lose faith in humankind and get all bitter or are you going to seek out those whom you can trust?

Because the truth of the matter is, our limited experiences do not encompass the entirety of the universe. Just because we haven’t experienced loyalty doesn’t mean loyalty does not exist. It all exists. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s up to us to decide how we want to do this life thing.

And it sounds so simple, right? Here you are, single, broke, unaccomplished, or in some horrible ordeal,  and you just wake up one day and decide that you want your life to be the opposite, even though maybe you’ve never experienced that, and your life is supposed to change… You want a happy relationship, a lot of money, true success… Maybe you’ve never even known anyone that has any of those things. And we are supposed to just sit here and decide that we want a kind of life that we’ve never even seen anyone experience and then it’s supposed to happen? It sounds ludicrous.

But I ask you, how else is it going to happen and what are the alternatives? Settle for a stupid life? Settle for fake, back-stabbing Hollywood relationships? Dumb ourselves down and hate anyone more successful than us? Don’t smile too big except when we are watching movies alone? Cry ourselves to sleep at night? Don’t ever let ourselves feel stuff anymore? Don’t get too close or too kind? I mean, really, what are the alternatives to going for it?  Drinking and drugging and sexing our lives away so that we don’t have to think about how much pain we’re in? Cheating on each other? Lying all the time?

Let’s just be real. These are the alternatives to happiness. These are the alternatives to going for it. Of course, there is also the possibility of an “OK” life. A steady job that will help one eventually buy a house and a car and whatever else. A steady relationship that will provide a source for children and companionship, even though there might not be that much love and passion. It’s even possible that an ok life can be a good life, and it can be exactly what some people want… Everyone doesn’t have to experience everything.

I think what it comes down to is knowing who you are and knowing what is important to you. And then making a decision about what our lives are about…

My fundraising party crossed me over from girl to woman. Women don’t care about posing for the world. They do what they are compelled to do. Even when they are afraid, they take action. They Love fiercely and protect their loved ones. Women choose what kind of lives they want to live instead of being pushed around by the current winds of the world. I am a woman now. I’m actually a woman…

I’m sitting in my car dropping tears because this chapter is over, the whole party planning thing… The whole Mr. Almost Famous thing… It’s consumed my life for the past month, and it’s over now.

I feel things in my heart again… I have Love in me again… I’m not scared of it, now, though. I don’t know what happened. I’m not scared of getting hurt. I have real friends and family. I see who they are… They came through and represented at the party…

New chapter now… We’re still on an intentional adventure. I think we’ll stay here until we’ve accomplished some things. A marriage, a book or song or script sale, a whole bunch of money that gets me completely out of debt, a job I really love… Any of these would be physical signs that, yes, I have graduated from this part of my life. I’m on my way. There have been triumphs.

I’m back to not quitting things and that’s a big, big deal. I have pure space for actual love, and I don’t think I’ve been that way since I was eleven years old! I actually have been working and making income, so I’m on my way. I Love people again. I care about people again. And I even let people Love and care about me, and people have been so good to me… This is actually who I really am, a sweet, goofy, hypersensitive, idealistic, nerdy, smart, studious, dancing, exercise-loving, tomboyish, passionate, goody-two-shoes woman…

Let the haters hate and fight until they knock themselves out. They have no power over me. The past has no power over me. There is no alternative for me. There is only a good life on the horizon. There is only a good life here and now. I am grateful for it. I cast my will, Lord, upon the waves of existence. I allow You to make the future come to pass as it will. I stand in faith and confidence that God is for me, and not against me. I am willing and ready to be guided into Truth and Liberty. And I say Yes! Yes to Life! Yes to Love! Yes to a Goodness and a Joy that is more than I can even fathom! Yes to manifesting my Destiny in this Lifetime! Yes to Progress and Abundance and Success!!!! Yes, Yes, Yes!!! There are no alternatives to happiness for me… None at all.

Day 226

The Alternatives To Happiness

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