Hi,
So… I’m at work. Got a new temp job working with the same company but in a different department at a different location. I’m working at the medical school of a prominent university. It’s a medical center where med students at that school do their residencies and people also come to get services. The job is easy. The people are nice. The pay is just a tad bit little lower than my other assignment… I’m allergic to the air freshener in here. I think I’m allergic to hospitals in general, but in addition, I’m allergic to this air freshener.
The other day I realized that I’ve had a lot of sob stories. I mean, I’m sure they’re real. I experienced them, right? But I’m tired of them. This is supposed to be my new beginning, but it hasn’t been looking all new and shiny. Truth be told, I think drastic life shifts often start like that, with some stumbling and fumbling and withdrawals and relapses. But that’s not what I want to talk about. At some point, we have to make our lives our lives. I don’t know how to do all that yet. Get all the outside stuff that I want. I don’t have control of a lot of that. But I do have control of my internal state of being. I mean, I really do.
Day 243
Stop Complaining
There are people who have much less than me that smile much more, and there have been times in my life when I’ve had less than I have now, and still enjoyed a sense of peace.
So… I’m making a decision. For the remainder of this blog (and this is the last section, but we’re not there yet)… For the remainder of this blog, I’m going to stop complaining. My mind is telling me, “What? You do realize your eyes are red right now, don’t you?”. Yes, I do. I realize everything that is happening in my external life and I’m going to put in the work and effort to change those things, but I’m not going to complain about it. I’m going to practice gratitude. I’m going to change my perception. I’m going to give myself some credit for being where I am. I took a step back in my external life and I’m catching up now, but I’ve made huge leaps in my internal life, and somehow, I think that with the foundation I have now, whatever I build from this point forward will be solid.
Somehow I think this makes all the difference. I am here Lord. See me. I am here. This is not a trick or some brainwashing technique. This is me putting forth effort to change and grow, doing what I can to move forward in my life. Please allow me to know success. I allow myself to know success.
Here is the positive, no complaining version of where I am at this point in my life. I am thankful. My brain and my mind work. I can’t remember the last time my hair has fallen out and it actually grows these days. My body is so in tune that I am aware of the pollutants that surround me wherever I go. Thank you, God, for this awareness. It guides me to areas that are good and healthy for me. It allows me to protect myself. Thank you for the internal guidance that is building in me. Thank you for all of these temporary jobs that I’ve had. I have gotten so much clarity about what I’d like to do with my life. I have a clear vision, and I’m grateful for that.
And the men? Thank you for allowing me to interact with so many kinds of people on such deep levels. Now I know that whenever a guy tells me, “You’ll never find a guy who…” it’s a lie. There are all kinds of people in the world who live their lives in all kinds of ways. I recognize the rarity of true kindness, true compassion, and true knowledge of self, and I am so forgiving now because I know that most of us don’t mean it. I understand the phrase “forgive them Father for they know not what they do” even when it comes to myself. So I thank you for all of this, God. I thank you for everything that has happened that has led to this point in my life. I am happy with who I am. I actually comfortable in my skin, with all of my imperfections. And I know that being in comfortable in one’s skin (especially if you come pre-packaged in the skin I come in) is a feat in itself.
I am somebody. I am alive. I have Love in me and I know how to give it. I have skills in me and I know how to use them. My life is a good life, and there is nothing to complain about. Thank you so much…
Ameen.
Hi there.
It’s one of those days. Started yesterday. Anxiety of sorts. Break down. Panic attack. I don’t know how to label it.
I’d like to write my way out of it, though, God, if that’s OK with you. Yesterday I wanted to pay my rent on time. My rent was due yesterday, so I went to deposit my most recent check. They told me the check wouldn’t clear till today. The balance on my account is about five dollars more than my rent. My job is over and I have one more check coming to me. I’m not sure when my next job will start…
So, I should be thankful, I know. I have enough money to pay rent. I have enough food for the month and my body is well. I’m not plumb nuts crazy and I don’t have much drama in my life…
But I did an evaluation yesterday, just about my life in general, and it didn’t seem like I’d come very far. I’m still poor, living paycheck to paycheck. I still don’t have a regular income. I still live in the horrible ghetto and I am probably exposed to detrimental chemicals when I sleep in my room every night. I still don’t have a parking spot in my apartment. I still don’t have a man… My books and songs and scripts and commercials and poems are still right here on my computer, not being seen or read or heard by anyone but a handful of people who really think they’re good, but… My international project is in it’s infant stage and there’s hope for that, but nothing will happen with that unless I do something about it. And I’m still over here suffering and struggling and worrying about how I’m gonna pay rent…
And so I asked myself what the he*l is going on??? (excuse my French). This just doesn’t look right. My life doesn’t look good on me. I could hear my exes laughing. “Yeah, you should have stayed with me, then you wouldn’t have to pay rent. Then you’d have a man and someone to eat dinner with”. I could hear my old friends taunting me. “You should have stayed down south like us. No one told you to go out there by yourself chasing a dream. Who do you think you are?”
And I thought about quitting. God, it’s just not working out here. I thought about packing up my car, my only prized possession. I thought about letting this apartment go. And I thought about driving to a place where people love me. My mommy loves me. My sisters love me. They would welcome my presence and not try to fight me about a parking spot. My niece and nephews love me and the men outside of this city are different. They want families. They aren’t waiting till they’re 50 to get married. They live normal lives…
I think some people were rooting for me, though. I think they were hoping that a girl like me, coming from where I come from, could actually live a dream life and do the things that were in her heart to do… I was rooting for me.
But I don’t know now, God. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it. It’s really hard to live like this, always struggling. It’s really hard to never have enough. It’s hard to be hated by your neighbors just because you don’t look like them. And it’s hard to be a lovey dovey woman like me and never have someone that I can rest my heart with. It’s hard not to be successful. I used to be successful, you know. But that was another life.
I know my inner world is cleaner than it’s ever been. I’m not really depressed anymore. I’m honest about who I am. I Love people on purpose and I’m one of those shiny people who bring light into a room. I know that. I don’t get caught up with all my random exes who would pop up out of the blue telling me how much they loved me and hold on to my emotions forever if I let them. I know. I have grown in that area. I know the value of kindness and keeping one’s word and just forgiving people and being nice to each other. And I think I even know a little bit about happiness. I’m not completely on the other side of happy yet, but I’ve crossed over.
I was in that dark place for a long time. I had been carrying so many wounds. So, if there was like a line, and one side was depression and misery and on the other side was happiness and everything good, I just stepped over the middle. Like barely.
I see the other life. I’m not a part of that ugly stuff anymore, but God, the road ahead still seems so far. It seems like such a long walk, and it seems so hard and sometimes I wonder why I picked this path. I could have just settled. Ha ha! Some dude. Some job. Some easy life. It’s not such a bad thing.
So, you are telling me now that here is a moment of choice. A crossroads. This is what you do when you don’t know what to do, when you don’t know where to go from here. You choose. I can settle. It’s an option. I can pack my bags and go to what I know. The safe place. The guaranteed love and companionship. It’s not bad. I will for sure be successful back home. I will for sure find a man. I will for sure have friends I like. That is an option. I will probably even be able to do my international project and be successful at that.
My life isn’t dependent on where I live. LA helps with the whole screenwriting thing and there are a lot of opportunities for development in the entertainment area, but I don’t have to be here.
So choose, now, You tell me. Shall we keep walking towards the unknown? People will hate me, You tell me. Because if you choose this path, you are choosing an extraordinary life. It may take a while. You might be old and grey before you see it’s fruition. Or it might come this year. There are no promises on this path, except that you will get there. I promise you that. You won’t always understand everything. You won’t always know which direction to go. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. If you choose this path, there are no guides but Me. I speak to You in your prayers. I speak to you in your deepest insights. You know My voice.
The future is so unclear, God. If I choose my true path, will You make it easy for me, please? Hello? Lol. You are not talking to me…
It’s not a conditional choice. It’s just a choice. Conditions will change. They will be easy and challenging, but of course you can make it through them. You know you can. And you can choose to see them as you like. An adventure or a struggle. An opportunity for growth or a burden. Your perception is your choice as well.
OK. I knew this blog would help. Thank you. I am choosing. In this moment, I am choosing to keep going. I’m not running back to where I came from. I’m getting off the bed. I’m digging deep into the most in-tune part of me. I’m listening to my mind. I’m putting some pep in my step and opening my long arms. I choose to live the life I was destined to live. I choose to put my energy and my efforts towards the manifestation of the dreams I have dreamed. I am walking. I choose to keep walking… Thank you. Ameen.
Day 242
Keep Walking
Wow. I just got cursed out by a total stranger. Online!
I don’t know how I feel about this…. Hmm…
Someone emailed me and said that if I continued to write certain things, my life would change for the worst. And he called me a curse word!
I’ve been having neighbor wars. Parking wars. Long story short, the management in my complex passed me over for a promised parking spot one time too many, so I just started parking in the complex because I’d had enough. The place I park makes it slightly less easy for one of my neighbors to get in and out of her parking space. She can do it, but she just has to use her rear view mirror. So the other day, she came over to my apartment, banged on my door and told me not to park there. I said no and she cursed at me. I didn’t curse back, but I told her she must be out of her mind talking to me like that… She complained. I complained. This was a week ago.
I still park there. Although she hasn’t banged on my door or cursed at me, she still asks me to move every time she needs to get out. -_-
She doesn’t need me to move every time she needs to get out. I’ve seen her get in and out while other people are parked in that spot.
So I’m thinking about wars today. Fighting. I’m in the library and a baby is crying. Fighting. It’s been a while since I’ve been cursed out. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a good fight. I forgot about these things. The fact that someone just may not like you because you say a thing that they don’t agree with. Or they may not like the way you walk and try to harm you. They may not like the color of your skin and try and make your life difficult because of it.
These things exist in the world. Let’s not pretend they don’t. These kinds of people exist in the world. Mega egomaniacs that would try and make your life miserable because you succeeded without doing things the way they do things. Haters who can’t stand to see you thrive. People you know who are angry or hurt because you didn’t help them or because you left them or did whatever. They exist. They will not forgive and they will not be content until they have had their “revenge”.
So I was wondering what to do about this kind of energy, because it has come to my awareness lately. I’m trying to be good and stuff and I don’t really feel like fighting. Just not interested. At the same time, though, I’m not willing to just stand by and be punked and bullied and disrespected and I’m not willing to just be a bystander as some people perpetuate some of the gross injustices that happen. Fight or flight?
I’ve never been much of a social activist. I stay in the background. I might write a poem or story or two or teach or mentor some kids, but that has been the gist of my social activism thus far. And with my heal the world international project, I haven’t experienced much direct opposition yet.
So this fighting this is new. Not new, but it’s been a while. And I don’t really want to fight. These situations are going to come up, I know. The other day, one of my god sons was telling me that some of the dancers in my dance class don’t like me because I dance good. ???? I had sensed that for some time, but he just validated it. And I don’t even dance that good!!!
So are you telling me, God, that if I am going to be my authentic self, if I am going to demand a freaking parking spot, and tell the truth about what I think and be all powerful and graceful and do things in the world… If I dare to be happy, Are you telling me there is always going to be opposition?
What to do about it? I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to run. With so many things I can’t figure out, You have turned me into a praying woman. Thank You. There must be something else besides going to war or running away. There must be another option. I refuse to be a coward. And I refused to recreate the hatred that is being targeted at me. I also refuse to be a victim. Protection is needed. Pray for peace, You say. Pray for peace.
It sounds silly. Sitting in a room praying while people shoot bullets at you. Tell me more, please. Calling the Angels. Protect me, please. I am praying for Peace. Guide my footsteps. Be in my words and my actions. All that is Alignment. All that is Divine. All that is Love. All that is Good. I give myself permission to be All that I Am. There is no more turning back. I give myself permission to Be All That You Have Created me to Be. There is no turning back. These little fights are little fights, but I know there are bigger fights out there. I know evil exists. I don’t understand it, but I know it exists. I no longer wish to participate in it. I no longer wish to perpetuate it. I wish to be protected from it. I wish for it to be expelled, from inside me and outside of me.
You say, Ask, and it will be granted, and I believe You. I trust You. You see, I know that all of this, I know that my desire to have a good life and be supported and express the things in me… I know that my desire for family and good community and sustenance, these things don’t come from me. They come from You. And so I know that I am on the right path. How do I know, You ask. I know because I know.
And I know that You can protect me. I know that You can guide me. I know what I know. And so I am asking, as I continue and as I become more aware of all that is, I am asking for Your protection. I am asking for Your guidance. I am praying for peace. Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace….
Day 241
Fight Or Flight? (Pray For Peace)
Good morning World!
What a beautiful morning. Peace flowing through my veins. Alhamdullilah (All Praises Be To God)…
I just wrote a 1200 word blog about my exes. I’m not going to post it. I think they read this and I said some mean things…
I had the opportunity to interface with some high-spirited people this week. Women with clean hearts. They live in the world that I am stepping into. The world where people live from Guidance, Integrity, and Authenticity. It was a different kind of vibe than I’ve been around in a while. I want more…
My past no longer interests me. It almost seems like another life. Like if I was writing a book, this would be a whole new chapter with a completely different topic. I come from a pretty dark place. So much woundedness. I counted them the other day. Anyone I’ve ever had any kind of relationship with, be it friendships, romance, or just one lunch engagement. There are so many people that I have interfaced with, but it seems like I was someone else, from another time…
Dating is on my mind. Courting. It has been a long time since I have been involved with an eligible bachelor. These people from my past still linger. I feel a sense of loyalty to them and even a small sense of guilt because I have moved on and I am no longer interested in what was.
Upon evaluation, I have had many dear, dear relationships. Deep connections. I have danced with souls and had moments of ecstasy and I am grateful for them all. But at the end of the day, I don’t want any of what I had. There was always some underlying betrayal. For the most part, there was always the knowing that there would come a time when a choice would have to be made and I wouldn’t be it. The times when I truly felt like I had someone on my team have been few and far in-betwen. There was always some judgement. Some “I’ll be there for you if…”
I don’t blame them. The only common denominator in all of my relations was me. Most of the time, we don’t hurt each other on purpose. We are just floating around with all these programs in our minds trying to make it through the day.
I come here to you today, Allah, bowing down. I am giving up my past but I feel guilty about it. I feel like a traitor. I am leaving my people behind. The poor people. The sad people. The people who don’t know why they take any given action. The disempowered. The disingenuous. The ones who would break their word on a whim. The ones who would bring you down and manipulate on purpose, seeking control. The ones who are not grown up enough to stop perpetuating pain and hurt. I am leaving them behind. But they were my people… I come from them. I was one of them and I feel a little guilty about wanting to move to the West side where the streets are clean and people have careers and they do yoga and stuff… I feel a little guilty about wanting to meet a guy who’s actually available because I’ve been in an alliance of the noncommittal unavailable people for quite some time. I’ve been in an alliance of the poor and an alliance of the victims. I’ve been in an alliance of the bitter single women and the lonely people. Oh yeah, I’ve also been in an alliance of the close-minded, the martyrs, the self-righteous and the un-loved.
We have signed unspoken agreements with each other that we will live our lives in certain ways and continue nourishing our common life circumstances until the end of eternity. So now that I am wanting to be everything that I have not yet been, I feel like I am breaking my word to so many people, and how dare I? I am leaving them behind. How dare I hang out with happy people and successful people and spiritually mature people? How dare I even dream of being with a man with a sound mind? Who do I think I am to envision being courted and noticed and approached by one who has prepared a space for me? I am writing this jokingly, but these are the thoughts that pass through my head as I am entering this new place.
My old friends won’t like me anymore. They will think I have become bougie and joined the “normies”. This guy at my spiritual center actually saw me dressed in business clothes the other day and gave me a lecture about not conforming to the system and becoming one of “them”.
I have always had a loyalty to the downtrodden. I prefer Venice Beach to Santa Monica. I befriend the people who look like they’re down and out, rather than the elitists. It’s because at one point in time, I couldn’t get into the “in” crowd. They looked down on me. They didn’t recognize that I was worth sh*t. Now I get invitations to hang with the fancies, but I’ve never wanted to be one of the “in” crowd, because I never wanted to look down at the people who are who I was…
But how do I reconcile this? The downtrodden no longer interest me. They abide in an agreement of brokenness and I no longer agree. And yes, I can help them, but I don’t want my personal relationships to be based on an agreement that I’m going to be someone’s life coach. I want friends. Equals. People who are on a similar path as me. People who I can pray with and who can and will lift me up just as much as I can and will lift them.
A friend of mine said, Know first who you are, then adorn yourself accordingly. God, the old life doesn’t fit. You say that I know what to do, don’t even ask. Do not feel guilty about success. Do not feel guilty about happiness. Yes, you have had alliances with all that would keep you stuck, but it is time to let those alliances go. They may not understand, but when they see you flying it will all make sense. You will give them hope, you see. Because you come from them. And you will find new birds to soar with. They seek you out, even now. They seek you out and they welcome you home, at last…
Day 240
Alliances With The Past
Just scrapped the post I wrote. Starting again. Gonna try being intentional…
Good morning world. Closing eyes. Thank you for reading. Feeling lonesome. Reaching out. Maybe we will connect somewhere. Writing (creating anything) is like that. You never know who you are connecting with. A word, a song, a tree, a building all started with someone’s idea, reaching out. Sometimes we create for ourselves, just because we have to get something out, and sometimes we have a receiver in mind. Other times the receiver is not clear, but we hope that just one person will at least look at what we’ve made.
My blog is like that. I check the readership sometimes. Other times it’s just for me and I am satisfied just to get the words out, out of my head.
This one is for the lovers, or should I say the lovers without lovers. You know who you are. You may even be in a relationship, but the love is missing. But love is important to you. It is the most important thing to you. But it seems to be missing from your life.
I spoke with my ex yesterday. The one who instigated this blog. Prior to that I parted ways with my only LA companion (again) and was rejected by someone that I offered a gift to. My mom called and prayed for me for not praying the right way. I looked in the parking lot to see yet another one of my neighbors parked in a parking space that I was passed up for… Needless to say, yesterday was a scrumptiously eventful day.
I got on the bed and went to sleep most of the day, in between crying and sh*t. I hate sad crying these days. But I just let myself cry, ‘cus obviously there was some sadness trying to escape. No need to hold it in or try and trick it with mental games. No need to numb it out. I figured if it was there, I might as well let it come out. I know it wasn’t going to go anywhere until it was released.
My ex made me realize something. He said sorry to me for everything and then he said that he still wanted to be together. Just like that, my little life seemed so insignificant. My job seemed little, my apartment seemed little, even this blog seemed little when standing next to the possibility of living a life of love with a partner. I felt more alone than I have felt in a long, long, long time. This big city can be a lonely city…
We try and escape it. People here are always so busy doing things. We don’t spend much actual quality time together. Well, by quality I mean that we don’t spend much time feeling things together. We go to plays and concerts and parks and events. We take classes and always have work to do. We attend dinner parties, but we don’t look at each other that much. We don’t hold each other. We don’t take care of each other when we’re sick. We don’t listen without an objective. We don’t share from the heart. And we keep ourselves so busy and so intoxicated that we really don’t have time to think about it. We don’t have time to feel the loneliness.
But I felt it yesterday. My ex came through, like only he can, and touched the center of my lonely heart, the lover’s place. I am such a lover. I remembered that. I am such a lover. It’s ridiculous. I’m like one of those little kids that was always drawing my mom pictures and giving my teachers flowers, always touching people and stuff. I vaguely remember being lost in love with my ex. I vaguely remember looking into his eyes and him looking in mine, us loving each other at the same time. I vaguely remember feeling like I belonged somewhere.
I know this sounds all sad, but don’t worry, it gets better.
I laid in my bed yesterday with all these memories of lost love, all these feelings coming alive again, the fear of being in LA without a friend to lean on, the remembrance of the deep connections I’ve had, and the seeming littleness of my current life. What was there to do? Cry? Yell? Pray? Get up and make something happen? Run back to my ex or run somewhere where there was someone to love who would actually love me back? All of those options came to mind, but I’ve done all that before.
The one thing that I haven’t done in a long, long time is just stay. Just stay. My ex… We hurt each other a lot. Not on purpose, I don’t think, but nonetheless a lot of damage was done. That was me loving like that, huh? I was pretty brave… A lot of damage was done, but I’m not broken anymore. That’s what all of this boils down to. I’m not broken anymore. No need to run to a hero to fix me. No need to cry on my mamma’s lap. No need to ask why or make a lesson out of everything. Sometimes it may take a while to understand why.
But what are we doing about our hearts today? What are we doing about our lives today? I am a lover without a lover, but that doesn’t take away my ability to give and receive love. I am glad that I was reminded about this heart thing in me.
Maybe I will get back with my ex. Maybe not. Maybe I will be friends with my substance abusing friend again. Maybe not. Maybe I will live in this apartment in this place for a while. Maybe not. I defer to Love and Clarity, God. I allow them to be my guideposts and I will court Love and Clarity until they lead me to action. I remember that I am a lover, not some hardened woman made of stone. I am a Lover. I allow myself to be that. I allow myself to experience the True exchange of Love again or, rather, for the first time. I open wide. It doesn’t hurt anymore.
When I was a teacher, I realized something. The kids at our school were “tracked”, grouped according to their behavior and test scores, and I taught the “bad” track. In some teachers’ classes, they would be totally horrible, and in others, they would be respectful and quiet. It wasn’t that the kids changed every hour, it was that different teachers set different precedents. I can’t blame all of my exes for the way they treated me. I can’t just sit around and be a victim and say, whoa is me, this person did this and that person did that. Well I could, but the truth of the matter is, if you’re a teacher, and every class of students you get treats you like sh*t, even the so-called good kids, it probably has something to do with you and the standard you’re setting.
You might want to re-evaluate your methods, and even deeper, you might want to re-evaluate what you believe about yourself and what you expect from others. You start with a healthy recognition of who you are and what’s important to you. People will be who they are. Whenever you meet someone new, you don’t know what they’ve been through. They are who they are. But if you say, in order for me to trust you, you actually have to keep your word to me, then you set a precedent and you don’t have to worry about protecting yourself from people. Because the people you need to protect yourself from won’t even be in your personal circle if they don’t meet a certain standard…
In the meantime, while we are prepping for our lovers, us lovers, let’s find something to love. Let’s practice loving people that don’t hurt us, even if we have to start off with loving little babies.
It’s a new thing for me. I haven’t felt safe loving guys since my brother did an okey doke on my heart years ago when we were kids. I’ve been practicing that whole abandonment/betrayal thing with men ever since, but it’s time to give it a rest. It’s just time to give all this ugly stuff a rest. It just doesn’t make sense anymore.
Wake up, lover in me. The old ways are falling away. I found you there, sleeping, crouched up in a ball, afraid. I didn’t take very good care of you. I know. I’m sorry, yeah? Forgive me, ok? But wake up, now. I need you to build this new life I’m building. Love is a necessary part. I will keep you safe, now, I promise. Look around. There are no mean people anymore to hurt you. Look, I am doing things I love again. I am taking care of myself again. I honor you. I will find playmates for you. I am wiser now. I am sweeter now. Wake up, my Love. There is work to do. You see all these sad people with broken hearts? Don’t worry, I won’t let them hurt you, but we can smile at them, help them to remember, and we can find people who will smile at us… Wake up now. Our world is safe again. Wake up. Let’s make this life something good…
Day 239
For The Lovers Without Lovers
I’m at work. I can’t breathe though… I wonder if this is an axiety attack. The g, y, t, and f on my keyboard don’t work that well…
Breathing… closing eyes. My officemates are in here, bu I need to close eyes and breathe. looking back at my blos, it is interesting to me that so many different thoughts go throuh one’s head in a day. From day to day, life can be so different.
I feel like I found an open space in my brain. I know I sound crazy, but let me tell you what it feels like. When I close my eyes and meditae or pray, someimes I’ll literally scan my brain and see what things look like. I’ll roll my eyes around up, down, left, right, diagnally and in circles and speak affirmations and prayers to all parts of my brain. There are certain parts that feel clear always when I put my eyes in that direction, but there is one part in particular that always seems to be stuck. I have a hard time looking in that direction and my eyes start twitchin when I speak affirmation there.
I’m not an alternative healer (yet) or a medical doctor, but I imagine that there is a blockage there. I have had chronic back pain for years. Acupuncture helped it drastically, but now, there is one spot in my lower back that aches from time to time. It’s literally one spot the size of a penny maybe. But whenever I get a massage and someone manages to access that spot, I feel the release directly in that spot in my head. It looks like a light just bursting open. And then all of my senses become super alert and everything, my hands, my mouth, start feeling really tingly.
This past weekend, I sat and prayed and meditated for hours until that blocked space in my brain bursted open, and I have been feelin tingly and having trouble breathing for the past few days. I’d like to think I’m leveling up, moving to a new state of consciousness. Actually, I know I am. But it’s not the most comfortable feeling, not being in control of your sensations.
My chatty coworker is trying to chat with me… -_-
Clarity and control are the themes of the day. Movement. Forward movement is upon me. Minor decisions have so much weight. How to spend time, who to spend it with or not, how to earn income. How to spend time… This is the thing about freedom that scares people back into slavery. When your mind bursts open, nothing is impossible. I mean nothing. I know you’re like, but I’m still poor and I don’t have this, that and the other still, but what I’m trying to tell you is that this, that and the other comes once you decide upon it. As Louisa May Alcot wrote, strong convictions precede great actions.
It starts with a clear mind, though, with a real choice, not a half-hearted blowing in the wind. I am learning about control though. I am learning so much that things become jumbled sometimes, but today I am trying to give you something and sort it out at the same time, so bear with me, please.
All those quotes that you hear when you’re younger make so much sense. “Become clear on where you wish to be going with this physical incarnation you call your life.
That is the message. We have been floating, bouncing, victims to every passing thought, victims to programs that were planted in our minds before we even knew they were planted. Our family, our race, our religion, our government, have all told us what is right and wrong and we said ok. We just said ok. and then we got our jobs and went to whatever school (or not) and had relationships with whoever or we rebelled and did the opposite just to rebel, but, at times like this, we sit, unsatisfied, itching.
There is something calling. Life. Our real lives are calling. It will not stop. And I am at work crying. It will not stop calling us until we answer, even if that call leads us to our death and we have to try another incarnation. It doesn’t end. And it says stank love is not enough. It says to me that this suffering thing is for the birds. It says get up and take your place. You are already there. you are already clear. You know what you know. you know who you are! and this is work indeed. This is lifelong work for some. you have done it in time. You have done the work of finding out what you want to do with this thing called life while you still have time and strength and brain to do something about it.
So, now, with clarity, do something. I await your every thought. I await your every move. I am on Your side. Receive. No need to force or make or doubt or worry. You have prayed already. Receive. You have found me, and when you act with clarity, every act leads to Me… Receive. Receive your life now and be blessed…
Ameen.
Day 238
On Becoming Clear
Good morning.
It’s about 9 am on Saturday. I got my mojo back. Yep. I think she’s here to stay.
I undumped my friend (the one that’s made of pure love). Compromise and acceptance are new words for me, but I’m finding that they do my heart good.
So, let me tell you. I got fired! Yaaaay! Well, not really fired. My job is a temporary job that had the option to be permanent. My boss told me that if I wanted to stick on permanently than I had to go through the process and fill out the official application. I didn’t fill out the application. So she hired someone who did. She’s keeping me on longer than my original temp contract, but ultimately I’ll be leaving…
You cannot imagine how happy I was when she told me she had hired a permanent person. I know, I need income, etc. Don’t worry. I have a back-up income source (job) lined up, so, as Charlotte O’Hara said, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again”.
The moment I heard I was let go, though, a space opened up in my brain. Clarity. Freedom. I was so glad. I saw myself clearly again. It’s been a couple of months since that has happened, but when my boss said the job was ending, I was grateful. I felt free. I feel free now. To move around. Not like skipping states, but like living up to myself finally.
You can’t imagine. I have a Master’s degree and I have been severely underemployed and unemployed for over a year. Doing secretary jobs. Eating Roman noodles and stuff. What have I been thinking??? Underutilizing my skills and gifts. I’m not gonna be too hard on myself. I actually got some things accomplished with the whole international heal the world thing recently, but it’s been a while… It’s been a while. And so when I got fired, I realized that I am qualified and able to have such a better job! One that actually pays good money so that I can move forward with things. One that I actually like going to every day. One where I feel like I’m making a meaningful contribution to things that matter to me. One where I am growing and sharpening my skills and learning new things. Not just some place where I can “get by” and barely survive.
And that realization made me do a quick look at my life. Like for real. And I realized I can have a better life all around. I can surround myself with different kinds of people and have different types of relationships. Of course, that would involve me making some changes, being nice and stuff and not cursing people out, not just dumping people when I’m upset and opening myself to appreciate the good in things. That would involve me respecting myself and protecting myself when need be and demanding to be treated a certain way by the people I bring near to me. It would involve some more growing. But I can do that. I am able to do all of that. And I’m so excited about what’s going to come.
There has never been a time in my life when I’ve been clear about what I wanted to do and it didn’t come to fruition. I’m super clear now about what I want to do from this point forward and so I’m sure, God willing, that good things will happen. I used to say these affirmations all the time. “I am worthy of the very best in life and I now willingly accept it.” They used to just be words that I wanted to believe, but I believe them now! I know them.
I am worthy of being loved because I am so loving. I am worthy of being a boss and a leader because I care about the people I’m leading. I am worthy of my works being accepted, because I have so much good stuff to give. I am worthy of happiness just because I exist. I am worthy! And I’m smart. And I’m able. And I’m kind. And I’m strong. And I’m open. And I’m even humble sometimes. And I have to tell myself the good things about myself, because I’ve spent so long thinking I wasn’t sh*t that this is like an epiphany, realizing that I’m worth something… I have to remind myself that, I, too, am worthy of the good things.
Last night I went to a movie and had dinner… Wow. Mr. Almost Famous just texted me. This dude… How about I don’t try and figure him out for once. Our relationship is so weird. We don’t really talk that much. We have barely ever hung out. He doesn’t want to be my man, but when I call, he responds, even if it’s two minutes before the opening night of a big show and he’s surrounded by people… He is just as weird and incomprehensible as me. He probably is me. We actually look alike, same smile and everything… I am glad to have his lovely spirit looking out for me, telling me that he sees great things for me. He is such a good friend and I am grateful.
You are opening my eyes, God, letting me see what is right in front of me. I have been locked up, in the prison of my own mind, for so long. I couldn’t see that light is right here with me right now. And I couldn’t see that I am surrounded by love and lovers. And I couldn’t see that I am talented and that I have the ability to make a lot of money right now. And so I have been operating from this small, pitiful place, begging life to give me something. When life has been giving me things all along. I already have them. I’ve just got to use what I have and appreciate it.
I hear freedom singing to me through the birds in trees. I feel strength in my bones. It’s time to be free. It’s time to acknowledge the joy and the strength and the power and the goodness and all the magnificent wonders of the world that are right here, right now, waiting to be noticed, expressed and actualized. Everything I have been through, everything I have put myself through, has led to this moment of such deep appreciation… Oh. My. God. You. Are. So. Good.
Day 237
The Prison Isn’t Real (Get Free)
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair” – Mumford and Sons
We get used to things. Pain, struggling, happiness, money or a lack thereof, moving around, people, praying exercise. Good, bad, or indifferent, we get used to things and then they become our lives. Like Gotye sings in one of his songs “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”…
I had gotten used to struggling and pain and dysfunctional relationships. For the past few years, I had gotten used to being poor and not having enough and moving from place to place all the time. I had gotten used to not finishing things. I had gotten used to dating people who I knew were unavailable for the type of relationship I wanted for one reason or the other. I had gotten used to never quite having the completion of the things I had desired…
And then a little over a month ago things changed. I finished something really important to me for the first time in a long time. I managed to break up and let go of all of my dysfunctional relationships that have been haunting me throughout the years. I went overseas and our project was successful. And I got a job. Just so you know, it has been years since I’ve actually had a 9 to 5 that didn’t have a definite end date. I moved back into my apartment and painted the cabinets… And my mind was going crazy… Resistance for real.
I’m sitting in my apartment. The birds are chirping outside of the floor-to-ceiling window in my living room. A soft breeze is blowing. I am realizing that the struggle is over. I’m not used to it. Peace. Enoughness. A clear mind. It’s here and now. The struggle is over. It actually the beginning of a new day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I know that this is a very delicate time in my life.
For the first time in a long time, the things that I dream of doing seem like they are not just dreams out in the somewhere. They seem like things I can do. And I am actually writing this. Like, can you believe that having a job where I now work just seemed like a dream once? Living in LA and having enough money seemed like a dream once. But it’s real. It’s real now. The struggle is over. My dramas are over. I don’t have any stupid friends who try to use me or play those manipulative games any more. Even here in Los Angeles, I am finding nice people. Perhaps it is because I am finally becoming a nice person who sees that there is a world outside of my head and myself. I am finally seeing the value in cultivating healthy relationships. I am finally actually interested in the lives of others…
This is an uplifting post, but it may not always be this way. There may be moments of withdrawal and regression on our paths. There may be times of confusion and even sadness, but the struggling, the pain, it ends. It really does. But you have to let it. You have to open up and let it and step into the fear. This is new territory, at least for me. Good stuff is new to me. I’ve had good stuff on the outside, like money and a fancy job, but actually having healthy relationships while having money and doing work that is meaningful and doing things that I’ve only ever dreamed of doing? Being able to give and receive love at the same time instead of things being one-sided? Being supported and being a supporter at the same time? Reciprocity? That’s all new stuff to me. It’s the stuff of my dreams. Heck, I didn’t even think I was worthy of that stuff at one point. But it’s real now. It’s becoming real now.
I no longer identify as Laydie the loser. I no longer identify as Laydie the sad girl or the ugly girl or the lonely girl or the poor girl or the girl who’s always giving and never getting anything. I am a different person now and I don’t want to speak on my new identity yet because it is forming even as I write these words, and when I get to the place where I am able to speak about who I am now, I want to know that my words are true. For now, I only know that the struggle and pain are done with. I see how I interact with people these days and I actually care about myself and I’m meeting different kinds of folks…
Today I’d let to get used to a new kind of life. Fall away now, patterns that have bound me. I let you go once and for all. Fall away now, doubts that would haunt me. Fall away ties that tethered my progress. I see you wondering what I’m doing. Thank you for leading me to this place. Thank you for making the pain so unbearable that I had to dig down deep and live life on purpose. Thank you, God, for this moment, this realization that life is so, so, so, so grand… Ameen.
Day 235
The Struggle Is Over (Let It Go)
Thank you for committing to be happy… Want to hear something funny? My ex is still in town. Dream Lover. The one who pitched me the best dream ever and then disappeared.
I found out today that he actually performed at a festival that a friend of mine had invited me to two weeks ago. I didn’t go to the festival, but I remember thinking that Dream Lover would probably be there…
I was at work today when I found out the news… And I almost quit today. I felt ashamed to be working where I work. His life is so fabulous and it’s been a year since we parted. And I fell apart when we parted. And he didn’t. Well, I don’t know if he fell apart, but career wise he didn’t. But I did. I’ve been struggling for some time and, I can’t really say I haven’t been moving forward, but I took such a huge step backwards that moving forwards still has me further backwards than I’ve been at other times in my life…
So I got mad. And I wanted to quit. Because my job has nothing to do with anything that I actually want to do with my life. It pays the bills. Barely. And it takes a lot of energy because I work non-stop once I clock in and much of it is mental work… So I thought, “What am I doing here? I’m supposed to be spending my time focusing on my writing and my community center overseas and doing yoga and praying.” I don’t have to be in Cali paying this high rent and walking twenty minutes each way every day to park my car in the neighborhood next to the ghetto since I can’t park in my ratchet neighborhood without getting jacked… I thought of all the ways I could get out of this situation… Move with my mamma and get a part-time job (I will still net the same amount since I wouldn’t be paying rent), move with my sis in Hawaii, go back to my fam’s place down South… I have options.
My landlord gave the parking spot that I was supposed to have to someone else…
I was gonna’ quit today because I was ashamed that I’m not doing better with my life, and I could hear my college roommate saying to me what she said a long time ago when we reconnected years after being separated, “You’re a secretary??? I thought you’d have a best seller by now.”
Things seem like they happened out of order in my life. Like, I was successful early on and then I fell, but it seems like it should have been the opposite, like this time in my life should have come first and then the success… But here we are. It happened this way.
I am in the prayer room. I work at a University, my alma mater. And they have a religious center there. And there is a prayer room in the religious center. It’s a three minute walk from the building I work in. I came here after work instead of talking on the phone or hanging out with whoever. I needed to check in. Pray. Make some sense of things. Decide what to do next and where to do it at. I can’t keep running. And even though I have options, family I can go to, I’m just not that excited about the thought of moving in with any of them…
But I know that this will not work. This pace. This progress. This daily routine of work, hanging out with some dude or the other who I’ll never marry, sleep and hiking… LOL. That’s been my routine for the past month since I’ve been back in Cali. New beginnings indeed.
I had to pray today, and I don’t know how I ever made it through any part of my life without prayer. These days, I need it just as much as water. Nothing makes sense until I check in. Sometimes things still don’t make sense, but at least I am able to get out of my thoughts for a while and see things other ways when I pray…
So I prayed for about two hours. And I forgave myself for not living the life I thought I’d be living by now. I forgave myself for living in the ghetto where the streets smell like pee. I forgave myself for not finishing my script on time so many times. I forgave myself for losing Dream Lover and I forgave myself for loving and trusting him in the first place when he had never shown himself trustworthy. I forgave myself for not applying myself and I forgave myself for all the time wasted. I forgave myself for surrounding myself with people who are not in harmony with me. I forgave myself for crying so much and being down for so long… I was mad at me and I could stay mad forever and say, “No. No forgiveness. You have to do better. You should have done this, that and the other, stupid.” But I don’t think that would help any. I’ve been punishing myself for quite some time already. I needed some forgiveness. I needed some kindness. A real new beginning.
There’s no running from this. Whatever I’m going through, there’s no running from it. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I mean, I could, but that wouldn’t solve anything. You see, the real me is not a coward and she’s not a punk. The real me is faithful beyond faith. The real me gets up. She gets up and she gets up and she gets up. The real me Loves and Loves and Loves and let’s no one take that away! The real me is a Queen. I know, I don’t look like one right now, but that doesn’t take away the truth of the matter.
I had been wondering how to decide. On anything. How to decide where to live, where to work, who to hang out with, etc., etc. And I finally came up with one answer: move towards progress. That’s it. I could live with any of my family anywhere in the world, but I see no progress in any of those options. Of course, we all have to define what progress means to us first. I know what progress means to me. First, it means peace of mind. First and foremost. Spiritual connectivity. Abundance. Uninhibited expression that is received. Sharing of Love. Clean air and community. Trees, space to exercise, healthy food and loving companions that are accessible. Success in the things that really matter to me (my writing, my community work, my love and family life, my finances). Success…
I Love the movie Life of Pi… Everything I’m saying could make absolutely no sense, but it is my way, you see? It is my tool for moving forward. It’s not the Bible or the Q’uran. It is the truth of my experience. I am giving you my heart here and sometimes it is conflicted and unsettled. It’s not always pretty, you know? But it’s what really happens. Transformation is not always full of inspirational words. It gets messy sometimes. It gets really scary at times and we get tired and confused and desperate. It’s a part of it.
I am at 1220 words, but there is still more to write… I imagine… I imagine that at the end of it all I will look back and call this the best time of my life. In fact, I will call it that now. This is the best time of my life. I know it. I am coming into my power. I am learning wisdom and so much kindness. I am learning to accept good things and I am learning discernment. I feel comfortable around kings and queens now and I welcome them as my friends. And for the first time, I am learning that although feelings play there part in letting you know when things are in harmony or disharmony, it’s not always in our best interest to act out on our feelings before we access a situation. I am learning…
I’m not happy. I’m not sad. But I can take action towards progress anyway. What else am I gonna’ do? Run forever? We may fall far, but once we have seen the light, it is impossible to sit still in the darkness. So here’s to progress. Here is to that bright, blazing Light that carries me forward… Thank you so much, God. Ameen.
Day 234
New Beginnings Indeed
hownottocryeveryday 