Feeling loved… My big sister called just to check on me… My big brother called to invite me to hang out…
Sometimes we need to be reminded to care for each other. It’s OK. All we really have is each other…
My Godson just interrupted me. He wants to talk about his schooling. He’s excited about school…
It’s two days later now. I started writing that top portion and then had things to do, but I’ll leave it there, because feeling Loved wasn’t on my mind this morning and I’d like it to be.
Good morning World. It’s 9:05 on a Saturday morning. So much happens in the course of a day. So many little decisions that we make. So many thoughts pass through our heads and so many words pass through our mouths. It’s a lot.
Yesterday I got assigned a parking spot in my complex. I wonder how much of it was due to my actions and thoughts and how much was due to pure Grace. I don’t know. That’s the problem. When you attribute everything to God and Grace, we tend to not take any action and not do things intentionally, thinking God will save and forgive us, and when we forget about spirituality, we lose sight of the fact that there is a multidimensional Universe being held up through laws and processes that we are only just now beginning to understand, billions of years after life began…
I got a parking spot yesterday. I give the credit to God because I didn’t know what to do. I felt so bad about everything that was going on in my complex. I had been passed over for two parking spots for no good reason. Management was talking to me like I was a dog and basically saying that they can do what they want. The lawyer that I went to see said that I didn’t have enough evidence. I would come home every day and see someone else parked in the spot I was supposed to be in. I would hear the neighbors standing underneath my window and gossiping about my situation.
I had mean, mean, vengeful thoughts. I felt sad. My family wanted me to go to war, gather evidence, pay lawyers, write threatening letters… but I didn’t feel like fighting. I wanted peace, but these were not peaceful people. These were people who just wanted to win. They didn’t even know why they were fighting. They just wanted to win. And I wanted to win, too. I mean, I didn’t even want a war to start with, but I just felt like I had been treated so badly. I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing.
So I laid in my bed. I felt sorry for myself. I cried. The whole world stopped making sense to me. All these wars and all these things we do to each other… We kill each other just because. Just because we don’t like the fact that someone has a thing that we don’t have. Just because someone doesn’t want to live a lifestyle that we think is right. Just because someone has an idea we don’t agree with. We take it upon ourselves to “show them”.
I couldn’t deny that there are people who are living at this level of consciousness. They will straight up kill you for no good reason. They exist. Evil exists and we walks amongst it every day. It exists within us, too. I couldn’t deny that. Oppression exists. Discrimination, manipulation, bigotry, power struggles. All of it exists. People chalk it all up to the devil, this evil entity that embodies everything negative. He is at a war with the good, and when he sees progress or goodness, he whispers into the hearts and the ears of people and causes them to go amiss. I think it’s a bit more complicated than that, but for the sake of simplicity, I will say that I became aware that the devil (and everything he represents) exists.
And the question came, “How do I fight the devil?” What do I do when someone does me wrong? It happens everyday. If we interact with people enough, we will be confronted with some form of negativity, some disagreement, someone trying to make us do something we don’t want to do, some jealous person giving us evil looks because we’re happy, some happy person stepping away from us because we’re sad, and sometimes, we may be the target of someone’s direct intention to harm us and sometimes that bullet could be aimed at us for no good reason other than the fact that we dared to be happy when they weren’t.
The devil exists.
The speaker at my spiritual center used to ask, “Are you willing to live a life so full of excellence that people will hate you”. He used to invite us to say, “I am willing to be hated”. Because it may come to that. It probably will.
The other day in my apartment complex, I felt the hatred. I felt the bullets intentionally pointed in my direction. I felt that I had been wronged and I felt powerless to do anything about it. I didn’t want to become like them and start shooting bullets back. I was done with vengeance. I didn’t want to sue the pants off them and make them pay and I didn’t want to run away either. I wanted them to do the right thing. I wanted to make them do the right thing. I wanted my parking spot and I wanted some rules put into to place so that they wouldn’t be able to discriminate against anyone else again… I wanted an apology.
Something occurred to me. It occurred to me that these people weren’t interested in doing what I thought was the “right” thing. I was trying to change the devil. I was trying to fight the devil and I could have left, but someone I knew that if I ran from the devil he would always chase me. I knew there must have been some other way. There must be a way to live in peace, I prayed. And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I recognized the opportunity. Right in front of me was an opportunity to grow up and practice what I preach. Right in front of me was an opportunity to trust God…
And I did. After praying for some time, I thought of something else. I could write the president of the company and let him know what was going on. It’s a big corporation and there was a chance that the president wouldn’t be all right with the ghetto antics going on in my complex. So I wrote him and told him everything…
A day later, my manager called me and asked to meet in person. She looked me in the eye for the first time. She smiled for the first time. She lied about why she hadn’t given me parking thus far and assigned me a spot. She said she would make a “concession” for all my troubles and I wouldn’t have to pay for the spot (they are not supposed to charge people for spots, but originally when I asked for a spot they said they would charge me). I looked at her. She hadn’t changed. She would do the same thing again if she could get away with it. I had been trying to reason with the devil. I had been trying to change the devil, but that wasn’t my job. We don’t change the world by trying to change each other. We change the world by changing ourselves, deferring to a higher Power and taking a course of right action in spite of the devil…
I accepted the parking spot. I’ll ask for a written contract on Tuesday…
Thank you, God.
Day 247
When You Can’t Change The Devil
Hi there…
I’m in a zone. I have to leave soon to start my day, but can I tell you what happened last night?
It was a challenging day. I decided to take public transportation to run several errands so that I wouldn’t have parking issues at the places I was going. I hadn’t been on the bus for a day-long trip in a long time…. The people… poor, disenfranchised, disempowered… This one guy walked past me on the bus and stunk up the whole bus with his body odor.
You see the streets and neighborhoods more clearly when you are walking on them. Gum everywhere, dirt, bad smells. I live in a part of town that is welfare central. The housing department, the county general relief department, medical help, shelters for the old and the mentally disabled, are all within walking distance from my apartment, along with different consulate offices for different countries.
At night sometimes, homeless people camp out in corners of the sidewalks or at the big park (which is notoriously one of the most dangerous parks in LA).
Yesterday, I went to speak with a lawyer about the parking troubles I have been having at my apartment complex. To make a long story short, the lawyer said that the only way she would take my case if I did certain steps to gather more evidence. These steps will take at least two more months to complete and are not guaranteed. I was disappointed when I left. After bus trekking all day, I walked about a mile to my car so that I could give someone a ride from the airport.
When I was finished at around 11:00pm, I parked my car on the street about a mile and a half away from my neighborhood, in the safe neighborhood by the clean park.
As I walked home past the homeless people and the bubble-gum laden streets and the stinky smells everywhere, (even at 11:00 at night!!!) I became discouraged about my life. I started to feel sorry for myself. I started to feel sorry for all the people on the buses, the people who didn’t have clean beds to lay on and the mentally disabled people who couldn’t find a clear space in their heads. I felt sorry for the children with dirty clothes and matted hair and I felt sorry for all of us for having such a low standard of living and feeling so disempowered that we were willing to live in such a slum and not do anything about it.
I felt sorry for me and my neighbors because we couldn’t just get along, because life could be so much better if people didn’t stick evil notes on each other’s cars and curse each other out and gossip about each other.
I felt sorry for my friend who has a substance abuse problem and I felt sorry for myself because he was my only friend that lives nearby and he is in no position to be a friend.
I felt sorry for the whole world…
I was walking down the street and about to burst out crying because of the self-pity that was rising in me. And then I thought about my mamma. I thought about her telling me, “Don’t cry. Be strong, Laydie. You are strong”.
I know I am strong, but I’ve hated being strong for so long, because I always equated strength with suffering. The strong people never seemed to get any rest and no one ever seemed to have any compassion for strong people. The strong people always seemed to be alone saving the world and they never seemed to have time to smile or play or enjoy anything. I had been rejecting being strong for a long time, but try as I may, I haven’t been able to get away from it.
As I was walking down the street, I laughed at this whole concept of strength. It comes in handy sometimes. And the funny thing is, I always want to be around these strong guys, but strong guys like strong girls after all is said and done. They, too, don’t always want to be the heroes…
So, I decided to be strong. As the tears were about to fall, I decided to look for things not to cry about. It dawned on me that I don’t have to cry. I mean, I could, but I didn’t have to. I could just, like, not cry.
I started thinking about some of the lovely friends that I do have, the heroes with bigger hearts than me, and I started thinking about all of the ways they have been there for me. I thought about my lovely mamma and siblings how throughout my whole life I had always wanted to feel supported and how now I was… I started thinking about how there are people on my team, always rooting for me. Always. I felt blessed. I looked around at my neighborhood and I saw some of the intentions behind the old Spanish buildings. I thought about how some blessed soul had a beautiful idea when they designed those buildings. I thought about the fact that my mind wasn’t all muddled and confused and how I can have clear thoughts these days. I thought about the fact that in less than a week, I’m gonna have bonafide health insurance! I thought about going to a fancy chiropractor.
I thought about the fact that I’ve been working on my creative projects consistently for about two months now. And I smiled out loud when I realized that I have become strong again and yet I have maintained my gentle self.
I was glad to know that the two could co-exist. I saw the kind of woman I was becoming. Confident. Not arrogant, but confident. Free. I saw that I would never be abused again. I saw that, like Charlotte O’hara said (God-willing) I would never be poor again. I saw that I actually noticed other people these days. I listen these days and care about folks. I’m actually interested… I saw that I am becoming exactly the kind of woman that I’ve always wanted to be.
The journey has been long and tedious, but what’s one, two, ten years of struggle if you are laying a foundation that will bring you bliss for the rest of your life(s)?
Last night I found a reason not to cry. A found something to smile about. Me.
Thank you, God.
Day 246
A Reason Not To Cry. You.
Hi there.
It’s 7:10pm. I’m home alone. Dropping someone off at the airport later this evening…
Feeling a little low. A got a job. I think I told you. A full-time, with benefits thing. It starts next month. Not the best job in the world, but I think I’ll like it.
But I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m thinking about the parking lot in my apartment and how my management has threatened to take actions against me if I park there (even though they promised me a spot and didn’t give it to me).
I’m thinking about the fact that the one person I call family in this town got a great opportunity and will be leaving soon. And I’m thinking of the fact that I’m gonna have to get close to some new people or go back and surround myself with people I used to know, or be lonely, but I’m not clear on where to start…
I’m wondering if I will ever find a place to call home and if I will ever have a family of my own and if any of my efforts will ever lead to success, and I’m feeling a little low.
But since I vowed not to complain anymore, I’m not going to complain. I’d like to write myself out of this feeling, or at least write myself into something better than where I am…
God, we have been seeking for a long time, huh? Family is on my mind so strong. I see a man somewhere. A child. Something built. Something cooked. Some sweetness somewhere. I see big smiles. I see a home where I am welcome. I see the family I came from, too…
It is time to move, huh? Guide me, please. It is time to move from seeking to finding. This new job is an opportunity for stability. Guide me, please. Nothing pulls me to go back to my biological family. Everyone is grown now, starting their own families. Nothing compels me to stay in this town or go anywhere else for that matter. I am here, Lord, not quite lost, but not clear.
You say, get clear in my mind. You say the world is mine for creating. You say my life is mine to create, and I want to believe You so badly, but I don’t. I can say it and pretend to believe it, but You know what’s up. Guide me, Please. Help me to know the True Truth. I open myself. I open now.
I know that this part of my life is important. It’s all important, but somehow this part feels like the real part, like everything else was preparation. This part sometimes does feel like anything is possible.
You say ask and I shall receive, so I’m going to ask. This deep thing in my heart. A partner. I ask for a partner now. A partner, God. Someone to build things with. Someone to live things with. A partner. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I’m a grownup now. I can’t keep putting my time into temporary relationships just to pass the day. We do what we can to pass the day, but I’d like to do things on purpose now. I am not just trying to pass the day. I am trying to build here.
It all ends. It all falls apart eventually. We die and some say that this life is just a mirage, a big matrix full of puzzles and games. Some say that the real life is what comes next or what lies beneath.
But we are here now. In this matrix. In this so-called game. Sometimes nothing makes sense, you know? But what do you do in times like that? Go to sleep? Get drunk? Make yourself so busy that you can’t think? Go hide away on a mountain or on some vacation?
The world will still be here when you get back. The questions will still be here. The uncertainty looms overhead until it is addressed. And sometimes we cry because we don’t understand. Because we don’t know how to have the things we want. Because we feel pain.
And sometimes loneliness is a part of it.
But I think that all of that is just a part of it. It’s not the whole picture…
There is clarity in the world, just as there is confusion. There is camaraderie just as there is loneliness. There is success just as there is defeat. And there is certainty and joy. There is Love. I know it. I know there is Love.
They call these fears and doubts the devil. I call them fears and doubts. This time, they don’t get to win. This time, they don’t get to knock me down on the bed or have me creating some old drama. This time they don’t get to turn me into a fearful, anxious old woman. This time I choose to win. This time (and I oh, I’ve had issues with this one)… this time I choose to be strong and even powerful. This time I choose to finally be a finder, no longer a seeking wanderer.
I choose, God, to know fruition now. I choose it now. I choose to be safe now. You have already told me that I am safe. I choose to experience it now. You are the Master Planner. You are the Master Protector and I lean on You.
I have come too far to turn back now.
In this moment, I choose faith over fear. Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith. I choose Truth over falsehood. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth. I choose to live with spiritual Power and Protection and Guidance and Certainty. I do the work I am called to do and I do it with gratitude and ease. And so it is… And so it shall be.
Ameen
Day 245
From Seeking To Finding
I had such a lovely dream. I was living in a world that wasn’t safe for women. Men would break into your house and try to harm you and if you went outside, you were dead. There were no protectors. For whatever reason, I had to go outside and I was afraid. Men were chasing me and trying to get me, and this man swooped down out of nowhere and rescued me. He took me high up to some building and taught me how to do tricks and fight and run the right way. He held me tight in his arms. He was my hero. I have been waiting for him all my life…
He didn’t ask for anything. He didn’t try to change me or tell me I would be all right if only I changed this, that, or the other about me. He just picked me up, made me feel safe, and showed me what to do to keep going. When he put me down, I knew that I would be all right. I knew that if anything ever happened and I got in a rut, he would come down again and save me…
Good morning world. It’s 6:00am. A wonderful morning. A lot happens in a week. I started a new temp job and got offered a permanent job. I was very busy this week, doing something after work every day and not coming home until 10:00pm or after, being on “go” from 7 am till about 10:30 every day. I didn’t pray or meditate much. I slipped on my creative writing for two days, and I had just upgraded to more time…
I’m trying to see if I have anything to write about. Sometimes this blog is just for me, so I can sort things out and get back connected. So I can feel like I’m a part of a world bigger than me. I watched Cloud Atlas the other day.
My darling little sister just texted me from abroad. I had told her some things and I thought she was mad at me, but she wasn’t…
God, life is amazing isn’t it? I know who the hero in my dream was. I mean, in real life. I have heroes in real life. Protectors. Even though my father passed away a long time ago, there are still people here who would swoop down when I don’t know what to or where to go… they show up out of nowhere and give me a good word or a clean hug or they simply look at me and see who I am and don’t try to change anything about me. And they tell me I am ok as I am and everything is going to be all right. And I believe them. Because they have been there and they know…
They are the heroes. They are everywhere. Even my old mamma. Getting up like a lion when she thinks things aren’t right with me. My true friends. My sisters. Even my brothers sometimes. I am so grateful. I am so loved. Random strangers with bright eyes who give an encouraging word right on time. Coworkers with compassion in their voices.
The thing about heroes is that they have so much more power than the mean people. Mean people only have power in numbers. They only survive by collectively believing in the lie. But heroes… It only takes one hero to shake up a nation and they can beat out the mean people every time. I am a hero, too, and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
Do you know what it is like? To feel like you are all alone? To feel like you have no one to relate to and no one to protect you? To feel like you are always doing all the saving and there is no one to lean on, no one to be there for you when you are weak, no one who won’t try and manipulate you or who won’t hurt you or who won’t take from you?
And then to wake up one day and realize that you are not alone after all. To realize that there are grown-ups, and even children with their little hands, who Love you. To be aware of the times in your life when you have laid down, thinking you couldn’t go on, not knowing what to do, and some little thing has happened. A random phone call or text telling you sweet things. Some money found on the subway when you are hungry. A temp job that starts tomorrow. A stranger you meet at an event that becomes a wonderful friend. Or a dream reminding you of blessings you had forgotten.
This is an ode to the heroes. They keep the world afloat. The praying people who still know what they know. The logical thinkers who recognize that uplifting each other is in the best interest of everyone. The faithful who press on to actualize the little spark they feel in them against all seeming odds. The Lovers who love with the might of their souls. The babies who still know how to be true to themselves. The wise ones who give on purpose and fight for the good with everything they know.
I see you. I Love you. I am grateful for you… I am You. And we are not alone. Ameen.
Day 244
For The Heroes
Hi,
So… I’m at work. Got a new temp job working with the same company but in a different department at a different location. I’m working at the medical school of a prominent university. It’s a medical center where med students at that school do their residencies and people also come to get services. The job is easy. The people are nice. The pay is just a tad bit little lower than my other assignment… I’m allergic to the air freshener in here. I think I’m allergic to hospitals in general, but in addition, I’m allergic to this air freshener.
The other day I realized that I’ve had a lot of sob stories. I mean, I’m sure they’re real. I experienced them, right? But I’m tired of them. This is supposed to be my new beginning, but it hasn’t been looking all new and shiny. Truth be told, I think drastic life shifts often start like that, with some stumbling and fumbling and withdrawals and relapses. But that’s not what I want to talk about. At some point, we have to make our lives our lives. I don’t know how to do all that yet. Get all the outside stuff that I want. I don’t have control of a lot of that. But I do have control of my internal state of being. I mean, I really do.
Day 243
Stop Complaining
There are people who have much less than me that smile much more, and there have been times in my life when I’ve had less than I have now, and still enjoyed a sense of peace.
So… I’m making a decision. For the remainder of this blog (and this is the last section, but we’re not there yet)… For the remainder of this blog, I’m going to stop complaining. My mind is telling me, “What? You do realize your eyes are red right now, don’t you?”. Yes, I do. I realize everything that is happening in my external life and I’m going to put in the work and effort to change those things, but I’m not going to complain about it. I’m going to practice gratitude. I’m going to change my perception. I’m going to give myself some credit for being where I am. I took a step back in my external life and I’m catching up now, but I’ve made huge leaps in my internal life, and somehow, I think that with the foundation I have now, whatever I build from this point forward will be solid.
Somehow I think this makes all the difference. I am here Lord. See me. I am here. This is not a trick or some brainwashing technique. This is me putting forth effort to change and grow, doing what I can to move forward in my life. Please allow me to know success. I allow myself to know success.
Here is the positive, no complaining version of where I am at this point in my life. I am thankful. My brain and my mind work. I can’t remember the last time my hair has fallen out and it actually grows these days. My body is so in tune that I am aware of the pollutants that surround me wherever I go. Thank you, God, for this awareness. It guides me to areas that are good and healthy for me. It allows me to protect myself. Thank you for the internal guidance that is building in me. Thank you for all of these temporary jobs that I’ve had. I have gotten so much clarity about what I’d like to do with my life. I have a clear vision, and I’m grateful for that.
And the men? Thank you for allowing me to interact with so many kinds of people on such deep levels. Now I know that whenever a guy tells me, “You’ll never find a guy who…” it’s a lie. There are all kinds of people in the world who live their lives in all kinds of ways. I recognize the rarity of true kindness, true compassion, and true knowledge of self, and I am so forgiving now because I know that most of us don’t mean it. I understand the phrase “forgive them Father for they know not what they do” even when it comes to myself. So I thank you for all of this, God. I thank you for everything that has happened that has led to this point in my life. I am happy with who I am. I actually comfortable in my skin, with all of my imperfections. And I know that being in comfortable in one’s skin (especially if you come pre-packaged in the skin I come in) is a feat in itself.
I am somebody. I am alive. I have Love in me and I know how to give it. I have skills in me and I know how to use them. My life is a good life, and there is nothing to complain about. Thank you so much…
Ameen.
Hi there.
It’s one of those days. Started yesterday. Anxiety of sorts. Break down. Panic attack. I don’t know how to label it.
I’d like to write my way out of it, though, God, if that’s OK with you. Yesterday I wanted to pay my rent on time. My rent was due yesterday, so I went to deposit my most recent check. They told me the check wouldn’t clear till today. The balance on my account is about five dollars more than my rent. My job is over and I have one more check coming to me. I’m not sure when my next job will start…
So, I should be thankful, I know. I have enough money to pay rent. I have enough food for the month and my body is well. I’m not plumb nuts crazy and I don’t have much drama in my life…
But I did an evaluation yesterday, just about my life in general, and it didn’t seem like I’d come very far. I’m still poor, living paycheck to paycheck. I still don’t have a regular income. I still live in the horrible ghetto and I am probably exposed to detrimental chemicals when I sleep in my room every night. I still don’t have a parking spot in my apartment. I still don’t have a man… My books and songs and scripts and commercials and poems are still right here on my computer, not being seen or read or heard by anyone but a handful of people who really think they’re good, but… My international project is in it’s infant stage and there’s hope for that, but nothing will happen with that unless I do something about it. And I’m still over here suffering and struggling and worrying about how I’m gonna pay rent…
And so I asked myself what the he*l is going on??? (excuse my French). This just doesn’t look right. My life doesn’t look good on me. I could hear my exes laughing. “Yeah, you should have stayed with me, then you wouldn’t have to pay rent. Then you’d have a man and someone to eat dinner with”. I could hear my old friends taunting me. “You should have stayed down south like us. No one told you to go out there by yourself chasing a dream. Who do you think you are?”
And I thought about quitting. God, it’s just not working out here. I thought about packing up my car, my only prized possession. I thought about letting this apartment go. And I thought about driving to a place where people love me. My mommy loves me. My sisters love me. They would welcome my presence and not try to fight me about a parking spot. My niece and nephews love me and the men outside of this city are different. They want families. They aren’t waiting till they’re 50 to get married. They live normal lives…
I think some people were rooting for me, though. I think they were hoping that a girl like me, coming from where I come from, could actually live a dream life and do the things that were in her heart to do… I was rooting for me.
But I don’t know now, God. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it. It’s really hard to live like this, always struggling. It’s really hard to never have enough. It’s hard to be hated by your neighbors just because you don’t look like them. And it’s hard to be a lovey dovey woman like me and never have someone that I can rest my heart with. It’s hard not to be successful. I used to be successful, you know. But that was another life.
I know my inner world is cleaner than it’s ever been. I’m not really depressed anymore. I’m honest about who I am. I Love people on purpose and I’m one of those shiny people who bring light into a room. I know that. I don’t get caught up with all my random exes who would pop up out of the blue telling me how much they loved me and hold on to my emotions forever if I let them. I know. I have grown in that area. I know the value of kindness and keeping one’s word and just forgiving people and being nice to each other. And I think I even know a little bit about happiness. I’m not completely on the other side of happy yet, but I’ve crossed over.
I was in that dark place for a long time. I had been carrying so many wounds. So, if there was like a line, and one side was depression and misery and on the other side was happiness and everything good, I just stepped over the middle. Like barely.
I see the other life. I’m not a part of that ugly stuff anymore, but God, the road ahead still seems so far. It seems like such a long walk, and it seems so hard and sometimes I wonder why I picked this path. I could have just settled. Ha ha! Some dude. Some job. Some easy life. It’s not such a bad thing.
So, you are telling me now that here is a moment of choice. A crossroads. This is what you do when you don’t know what to do, when you don’t know where to go from here. You choose. I can settle. It’s an option. I can pack my bags and go to what I know. The safe place. The guaranteed love and companionship. It’s not bad. I will for sure be successful back home. I will for sure find a man. I will for sure have friends I like. That is an option. I will probably even be able to do my international project and be successful at that.
My life isn’t dependent on where I live. LA helps with the whole screenwriting thing and there are a lot of opportunities for development in the entertainment area, but I don’t have to be here.
So choose, now, You tell me. Shall we keep walking towards the unknown? People will hate me, You tell me. Because if you choose this path, you are choosing an extraordinary life. It may take a while. You might be old and grey before you see it’s fruition. Or it might come this year. There are no promises on this path, except that you will get there. I promise you that. You won’t always understand everything. You won’t always know which direction to go. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. If you choose this path, there are no guides but Me. I speak to You in your prayers. I speak to you in your deepest insights. You know My voice.
The future is so unclear, God. If I choose my true path, will You make it easy for me, please? Hello? Lol. You are not talking to me…
It’s not a conditional choice. It’s just a choice. Conditions will change. They will be easy and challenging, but of course you can make it through them. You know you can. And you can choose to see them as you like. An adventure or a struggle. An opportunity for growth or a burden. Your perception is your choice as well.
OK. I knew this blog would help. Thank you. I am choosing. In this moment, I am choosing to keep going. I’m not running back to where I came from. I’m getting off the bed. I’m digging deep into the most in-tune part of me. I’m listening to my mind. I’m putting some pep in my step and opening my long arms. I choose to live the life I was destined to live. I choose to put my energy and my efforts towards the manifestation of the dreams I have dreamed. I am walking. I choose to keep walking… Thank you. Ameen.
Day 242
Keep Walking
Wow. I just got cursed out by a total stranger. Online!
I don’t know how I feel about this…. Hmm…
Someone emailed me and said that if I continued to write certain things, my life would change for the worst. And he called me a curse word!
I’ve been having neighbor wars. Parking wars. Long story short, the management in my complex passed me over for a promised parking spot one time too many, so I just started parking in the complex because I’d had enough. The place I park makes it slightly less easy for one of my neighbors to get in and out of her parking space. She can do it, but she just has to use her rear view mirror. So the other day, she came over to my apartment, banged on my door and told me not to park there. I said no and she cursed at me. I didn’t curse back, but I told her she must be out of her mind talking to me like that… She complained. I complained. This was a week ago.
I still park there. Although she hasn’t banged on my door or cursed at me, she still asks me to move every time she needs to get out. -_-
She doesn’t need me to move every time she needs to get out. I’ve seen her get in and out while other people are parked in that spot.
So I’m thinking about wars today. Fighting. I’m in the library and a baby is crying. Fighting. It’s been a while since I’ve been cursed out. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a good fight. I forgot about these things. The fact that someone just may not like you because you say a thing that they don’t agree with. Or they may not like the way you walk and try to harm you. They may not like the color of your skin and try and make your life difficult because of it.
These things exist in the world. Let’s not pretend they don’t. These kinds of people exist in the world. Mega egomaniacs that would try and make your life miserable because you succeeded without doing things the way they do things. Haters who can’t stand to see you thrive. People you know who are angry or hurt because you didn’t help them or because you left them or did whatever. They exist. They will not forgive and they will not be content until they have had their “revenge”.
So I was wondering what to do about this kind of energy, because it has come to my awareness lately. I’m trying to be good and stuff and I don’t really feel like fighting. Just not interested. At the same time, though, I’m not willing to just stand by and be punked and bullied and disrespected and I’m not willing to just be a bystander as some people perpetuate some of the gross injustices that happen. Fight or flight?
I’ve never been much of a social activist. I stay in the background. I might write a poem or story or two or teach or mentor some kids, but that has been the gist of my social activism thus far. And with my heal the world international project, I haven’t experienced much direct opposition yet.
So this fighting this is new. Not new, but it’s been a while. And I don’t really want to fight. These situations are going to come up, I know. The other day, one of my god sons was telling me that some of the dancers in my dance class don’t like me because I dance good. ???? I had sensed that for some time, but he just validated it. And I don’t even dance that good!!!
So are you telling me, God, that if I am going to be my authentic self, if I am going to demand a freaking parking spot, and tell the truth about what I think and be all powerful and graceful and do things in the world… If I dare to be happy, Are you telling me there is always going to be opposition?
What to do about it? I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to run. With so many things I can’t figure out, You have turned me into a praying woman. Thank You. There must be something else besides going to war or running away. There must be another option. I refuse to be a coward. And I refused to recreate the hatred that is being targeted at me. I also refuse to be a victim. Protection is needed. Pray for peace, You say. Pray for peace.
It sounds silly. Sitting in a room praying while people shoot bullets at you. Tell me more, please. Calling the Angels. Protect me, please. I am praying for Peace. Guide my footsteps. Be in my words and my actions. All that is Alignment. All that is Divine. All that is Love. All that is Good. I give myself permission to be All that I Am. There is no more turning back. I give myself permission to Be All That You Have Created me to Be. There is no turning back. These little fights are little fights, but I know there are bigger fights out there. I know evil exists. I don’t understand it, but I know it exists. I no longer wish to participate in it. I no longer wish to perpetuate it. I wish to be protected from it. I wish for it to be expelled, from inside me and outside of me.
You say, Ask, and it will be granted, and I believe You. I trust You. You see, I know that all of this, I know that my desire to have a good life and be supported and express the things in me… I know that my desire for family and good community and sustenance, these things don’t come from me. They come from You. And so I know that I am on the right path. How do I know, You ask. I know because I know.
And I know that You can protect me. I know that You can guide me. I know what I know. And so I am asking, as I continue and as I become more aware of all that is, I am asking for Your protection. I am asking for Your guidance. I am praying for peace. Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace….
Day 241
Fight Or Flight? (Pray For Peace)
Good morning World!
What a beautiful morning. Peace flowing through my veins. Alhamdullilah (All Praises Be To God)…
I just wrote a 1200 word blog about my exes. I’m not going to post it. I think they read this and I said some mean things…
I had the opportunity to interface with some high-spirited people this week. Women with clean hearts. They live in the world that I am stepping into. The world where people live from Guidance, Integrity, and Authenticity. It was a different kind of vibe than I’ve been around in a while. I want more…
My past no longer interests me. It almost seems like another life. Like if I was writing a book, this would be a whole new chapter with a completely different topic. I come from a pretty dark place. So much woundedness. I counted them the other day. Anyone I’ve ever had any kind of relationship with, be it friendships, romance, or just one lunch engagement. There are so many people that I have interfaced with, but it seems like I was someone else, from another time…
Dating is on my mind. Courting. It has been a long time since I have been involved with an eligible bachelor. These people from my past still linger. I feel a sense of loyalty to them and even a small sense of guilt because I have moved on and I am no longer interested in what was.
Upon evaluation, I have had many dear, dear relationships. Deep connections. I have danced with souls and had moments of ecstasy and I am grateful for them all. But at the end of the day, I don’t want any of what I had. There was always some underlying betrayal. For the most part, there was always the knowing that there would come a time when a choice would have to be made and I wouldn’t be it. The times when I truly felt like I had someone on my team have been few and far in-betwen. There was always some judgement. Some “I’ll be there for you if…”
I don’t blame them. The only common denominator in all of my relations was me. Most of the time, we don’t hurt each other on purpose. We are just floating around with all these programs in our minds trying to make it through the day.
I come here to you today, Allah, bowing down. I am giving up my past but I feel guilty about it. I feel like a traitor. I am leaving my people behind. The poor people. The sad people. The people who don’t know why they take any given action. The disempowered. The disingenuous. The ones who would break their word on a whim. The ones who would bring you down and manipulate on purpose, seeking control. The ones who are not grown up enough to stop perpetuating pain and hurt. I am leaving them behind. But they were my people… I come from them. I was one of them and I feel a little guilty about wanting to move to the West side where the streets are clean and people have careers and they do yoga and stuff… I feel a little guilty about wanting to meet a guy who’s actually available because I’ve been in an alliance of the noncommittal unavailable people for quite some time. I’ve been in an alliance of the poor and an alliance of the victims. I’ve been in an alliance of the bitter single women and the lonely people. Oh yeah, I’ve also been in an alliance of the close-minded, the martyrs, the self-righteous and the un-loved.
We have signed unspoken agreements with each other that we will live our lives in certain ways and continue nourishing our common life circumstances until the end of eternity. So now that I am wanting to be everything that I have not yet been, I feel like I am breaking my word to so many people, and how dare I? I am leaving them behind. How dare I hang out with happy people and successful people and spiritually mature people? How dare I even dream of being with a man with a sound mind? Who do I think I am to envision being courted and noticed and approached by one who has prepared a space for me? I am writing this jokingly, but these are the thoughts that pass through my head as I am entering this new place.
My old friends won’t like me anymore. They will think I have become bougie and joined the “normies”. This guy at my spiritual center actually saw me dressed in business clothes the other day and gave me a lecture about not conforming to the system and becoming one of “them”.
I have always had a loyalty to the downtrodden. I prefer Venice Beach to Santa Monica. I befriend the people who look like they’re down and out, rather than the elitists. It’s because at one point in time, I couldn’t get into the “in” crowd. They looked down on me. They didn’t recognize that I was worth sh*t. Now I get invitations to hang with the fancies, but I’ve never wanted to be one of the “in” crowd, because I never wanted to look down at the people who are who I was…
But how do I reconcile this? The downtrodden no longer interest me. They abide in an agreement of brokenness and I no longer agree. And yes, I can help them, but I don’t want my personal relationships to be based on an agreement that I’m going to be someone’s life coach. I want friends. Equals. People who are on a similar path as me. People who I can pray with and who can and will lift me up just as much as I can and will lift them.
A friend of mine said, Know first who you are, then adorn yourself accordingly. God, the old life doesn’t fit. You say that I know what to do, don’t even ask. Do not feel guilty about success. Do not feel guilty about happiness. Yes, you have had alliances with all that would keep you stuck, but it is time to let those alliances go. They may not understand, but when they see you flying it will all make sense. You will give them hope, you see. Because you come from them. And you will find new birds to soar with. They seek you out, even now. They seek you out and they welcome you home, at last…
Day 240
Alliances With The Past
Just scrapped the post I wrote. Starting again. Gonna try being intentional…
Good morning world. Closing eyes. Thank you for reading. Feeling lonesome. Reaching out. Maybe we will connect somewhere. Writing (creating anything) is like that. You never know who you are connecting with. A word, a song, a tree, a building all started with someone’s idea, reaching out. Sometimes we create for ourselves, just because we have to get something out, and sometimes we have a receiver in mind. Other times the receiver is not clear, but we hope that just one person will at least look at what we’ve made.
My blog is like that. I check the readership sometimes. Other times it’s just for me and I am satisfied just to get the words out, out of my head.
This one is for the lovers, or should I say the lovers without lovers. You know who you are. You may even be in a relationship, but the love is missing. But love is important to you. It is the most important thing to you. But it seems to be missing from your life.
I spoke with my ex yesterday. The one who instigated this blog. Prior to that I parted ways with my only LA companion (again) and was rejected by someone that I offered a gift to. My mom called and prayed for me for not praying the right way. I looked in the parking lot to see yet another one of my neighbors parked in a parking space that I was passed up for… Needless to say, yesterday was a scrumptiously eventful day.
I got on the bed and went to sleep most of the day, in between crying and sh*t. I hate sad crying these days. But I just let myself cry, ‘cus obviously there was some sadness trying to escape. No need to hold it in or try and trick it with mental games. No need to numb it out. I figured if it was there, I might as well let it come out. I know it wasn’t going to go anywhere until it was released.
My ex made me realize something. He said sorry to me for everything and then he said that he still wanted to be together. Just like that, my little life seemed so insignificant. My job seemed little, my apartment seemed little, even this blog seemed little when standing next to the possibility of living a life of love with a partner. I felt more alone than I have felt in a long, long, long time. This big city can be a lonely city…
We try and escape it. People here are always so busy doing things. We don’t spend much actual quality time together. Well, by quality I mean that we don’t spend much time feeling things together. We go to plays and concerts and parks and events. We take classes and always have work to do. We attend dinner parties, but we don’t look at each other that much. We don’t hold each other. We don’t take care of each other when we’re sick. We don’t listen without an objective. We don’t share from the heart. And we keep ourselves so busy and so intoxicated that we really don’t have time to think about it. We don’t have time to feel the loneliness.
But I felt it yesterday. My ex came through, like only he can, and touched the center of my lonely heart, the lover’s place. I am such a lover. I remembered that. I am such a lover. It’s ridiculous. I’m like one of those little kids that was always drawing my mom pictures and giving my teachers flowers, always touching people and stuff. I vaguely remember being lost in love with my ex. I vaguely remember looking into his eyes and him looking in mine, us loving each other at the same time. I vaguely remember feeling like I belonged somewhere.
I know this sounds all sad, but don’t worry, it gets better.
I laid in my bed yesterday with all these memories of lost love, all these feelings coming alive again, the fear of being in LA without a friend to lean on, the remembrance of the deep connections I’ve had, and the seeming littleness of my current life. What was there to do? Cry? Yell? Pray? Get up and make something happen? Run back to my ex or run somewhere where there was someone to love who would actually love me back? All of those options came to mind, but I’ve done all that before.
The one thing that I haven’t done in a long, long time is just stay. Just stay. My ex… We hurt each other a lot. Not on purpose, I don’t think, but nonetheless a lot of damage was done. That was me loving like that, huh? I was pretty brave… A lot of damage was done, but I’m not broken anymore. That’s what all of this boils down to. I’m not broken anymore. No need to run to a hero to fix me. No need to cry on my mamma’s lap. No need to ask why or make a lesson out of everything. Sometimes it may take a while to understand why.
But what are we doing about our hearts today? What are we doing about our lives today? I am a lover without a lover, but that doesn’t take away my ability to give and receive love. I am glad that I was reminded about this heart thing in me.
Maybe I will get back with my ex. Maybe not. Maybe I will be friends with my substance abusing friend again. Maybe not. Maybe I will live in this apartment in this place for a while. Maybe not. I defer to Love and Clarity, God. I allow them to be my guideposts and I will court Love and Clarity until they lead me to action. I remember that I am a lover, not some hardened woman made of stone. I am a Lover. I allow myself to be that. I allow myself to experience the True exchange of Love again or, rather, for the first time. I open wide. It doesn’t hurt anymore.
When I was a teacher, I realized something. The kids at our school were “tracked”, grouped according to their behavior and test scores, and I taught the “bad” track. In some teachers’ classes, they would be totally horrible, and in others, they would be respectful and quiet. It wasn’t that the kids changed every hour, it was that different teachers set different precedents. I can’t blame all of my exes for the way they treated me. I can’t just sit around and be a victim and say, whoa is me, this person did this and that person did that. Well I could, but the truth of the matter is, if you’re a teacher, and every class of students you get treats you like sh*t, even the so-called good kids, it probably has something to do with you and the standard you’re setting.
You might want to re-evaluate your methods, and even deeper, you might want to re-evaluate what you believe about yourself and what you expect from others. You start with a healthy recognition of who you are and what’s important to you. People will be who they are. Whenever you meet someone new, you don’t know what they’ve been through. They are who they are. But if you say, in order for me to trust you, you actually have to keep your word to me, then you set a precedent and you don’t have to worry about protecting yourself from people. Because the people you need to protect yourself from won’t even be in your personal circle if they don’t meet a certain standard…
In the meantime, while we are prepping for our lovers, us lovers, let’s find something to love. Let’s practice loving people that don’t hurt us, even if we have to start off with loving little babies.
It’s a new thing for me. I haven’t felt safe loving guys since my brother did an okey doke on my heart years ago when we were kids. I’ve been practicing that whole abandonment/betrayal thing with men ever since, but it’s time to give it a rest. It’s just time to give all this ugly stuff a rest. It just doesn’t make sense anymore.
Wake up, lover in me. The old ways are falling away. I found you there, sleeping, crouched up in a ball, afraid. I didn’t take very good care of you. I know. I’m sorry, yeah? Forgive me, ok? But wake up, now. I need you to build this new life I’m building. Love is a necessary part. I will keep you safe, now, I promise. Look around. There are no mean people anymore to hurt you. Look, I am doing things I love again. I am taking care of myself again. I honor you. I will find playmates for you. I am wiser now. I am sweeter now. Wake up, my Love. There is work to do. You see all these sad people with broken hearts? Don’t worry, I won’t let them hurt you, but we can smile at them, help them to remember, and we can find people who will smile at us… Wake up now. Our world is safe again. Wake up. Let’s make this life something good…
Day 239
For The Lovers Without Lovers
I’m at work. I can’t breathe though… I wonder if this is an axiety attack. The g, y, t, and f on my keyboard don’t work that well…
Breathing… closing eyes. My officemates are in here, bu I need to close eyes and breathe. looking back at my blos, it is interesting to me that so many different thoughts go throuh one’s head in a day. From day to day, life can be so different.
I feel like I found an open space in my brain. I know I sound crazy, but let me tell you what it feels like. When I close my eyes and meditae or pray, someimes I’ll literally scan my brain and see what things look like. I’ll roll my eyes around up, down, left, right, diagnally and in circles and speak affirmations and prayers to all parts of my brain. There are certain parts that feel clear always when I put my eyes in that direction, but there is one part in particular that always seems to be stuck. I have a hard time looking in that direction and my eyes start twitchin when I speak affirmation there.
I’m not an alternative healer (yet) or a medical doctor, but I imagine that there is a blockage there. I have had chronic back pain for years. Acupuncture helped it drastically, but now, there is one spot in my lower back that aches from time to time. It’s literally one spot the size of a penny maybe. But whenever I get a massage and someone manages to access that spot, I feel the release directly in that spot in my head. It looks like a light just bursting open. And then all of my senses become super alert and everything, my hands, my mouth, start feeling really tingly.
This past weekend, I sat and prayed and meditated for hours until that blocked space in my brain bursted open, and I have been feelin tingly and having trouble breathing for the past few days. I’d like to think I’m leveling up, moving to a new state of consciousness. Actually, I know I am. But it’s not the most comfortable feeling, not being in control of your sensations.
My chatty coworker is trying to chat with me… -_-
Clarity and control are the themes of the day. Movement. Forward movement is upon me. Minor decisions have so much weight. How to spend time, who to spend it with or not, how to earn income. How to spend time… This is the thing about freedom that scares people back into slavery. When your mind bursts open, nothing is impossible. I mean nothing. I know you’re like, but I’m still poor and I don’t have this, that and the other still, but what I’m trying to tell you is that this, that and the other comes once you decide upon it. As Louisa May Alcot wrote, strong convictions precede great actions.
It starts with a clear mind, though, with a real choice, not a half-hearted blowing in the wind. I am learning about control though. I am learning so much that things become jumbled sometimes, but today I am trying to give you something and sort it out at the same time, so bear with me, please.
All those quotes that you hear when you’re younger make so much sense. “Become clear on where you wish to be going with this physical incarnation you call your life.
That is the message. We have been floating, bouncing, victims to every passing thought, victims to programs that were planted in our minds before we even knew they were planted. Our family, our race, our religion, our government, have all told us what is right and wrong and we said ok. We just said ok. and then we got our jobs and went to whatever school (or not) and had relationships with whoever or we rebelled and did the opposite just to rebel, but, at times like this, we sit, unsatisfied, itching.
There is something calling. Life. Our real lives are calling. It will not stop. And I am at work crying. It will not stop calling us until we answer, even if that call leads us to our death and we have to try another incarnation. It doesn’t end. And it says stank love is not enough. It says to me that this suffering thing is for the birds. It says get up and take your place. You are already there. you are already clear. You know what you know. you know who you are! and this is work indeed. This is lifelong work for some. you have done it in time. You have done the work of finding out what you want to do with this thing called life while you still have time and strength and brain to do something about it.
So, now, with clarity, do something. I await your every thought. I await your every move. I am on Your side. Receive. No need to force or make or doubt or worry. You have prayed already. Receive. You have found me, and when you act with clarity, every act leads to Me… Receive. Receive your life now and be blessed…
Ameen.
Day 238
On Becoming Clear
