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Day 232 – On Becoming A Verb

June 24, 2013

Hi there,

I’m at work…. I quit… Actually, I’m trying very hard not to quit and so I’m taking a break. I’m supposed to get off in one miniute, but since I came in an hour late and I’m not finished with my never ending task list yet, I will be here another hour…

I’m supposed to go out on a date in five minutes. I know he’s going to flake. This guy that’s been practically stalking me for the past two weeks since I met him. He usually texts me in the morning and calls and/or texts at least twice in the day time. Last night he asked when he would see me again and I said today after work and he was like, “oh, really?” and now I haven’t heard from him all day. And I’m not gonna call. I’ll allow him to flake. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So, if you can’t tell, I’m a little upset, borderline bitter. I got a parking ticket today in a garage where I actually paid for parking! They said I was double parked because my tire was barely on the parking line… The gas company says they are going to cut off the gas. I work like a slave at this job just to barely make enough to pay my bills and go to a movie once a month. The job goes nowhere. It’s a dead end kind of place… Maybe not. The company is a great company and I would love to work for them in another capacity (I’m an assistant to a high-powered lady who has buildings named after her right now)…

So, I am attempting to get my mind right, so I can change the tone of my day, because the tone of my day has been flat and so, so drab thus far. It’s been work these past few weeks, God. I’ve had to work really hard not to get depressed and sometimes it hasn’t worked. What’s going on? Are you trying to tell me something?

I spent the weekend with a friend. I think he’s in love with me. I think he thinks he wants to marry me and I don’t see why… I could speculate but I don’t feel like it. It’s amazing, the reasons why we choose to be with certain people… We didn’t do too much. Hang out. Talk. He helped me complete a house project… I don’t want to talk about him. I think he reads this blog… Ugh. Anonymity is undervalued.

Why am I so upset today, God? I’m mad at me for my life. I’m mad at me for being poor and being so ridiculously underemployed. I’m mad at me for wasting time. I’m mad at me for always seemingly taking two steps forward and two steps back and feeling like I’m walking through quicksand for so long… I’m mad at me for being that girl that men think they can just look at any kind of way… I’m mad because nobody knows that I’m a queen, not even me… I’m mad and sad at myself, God.

I just logged on to Facebook. I was looking for my arch nemesis… He’s there on chat. I said hi to him the other day. When I finished blogging he was on FB so I chatted him and said hi. And he said hi back. And then, miraculously, after a series of pleasantries, he gave me his number and told me to call him. And I did. And we talked for two hours… And it was lovely. He was kind and mature and honest. He wasn’t trying to hit on me or do anything for that matter, except create peace between us. And we created peace between us, after years of unwarranted Facebook fighting…

Thank you for that memory, God. I needed that right then. Ok… The mood is passing… So what to do about all these dark moods, God? What to do about the quicksand that I feel like I’m treading through? What to do about progress? This job is progress, I guess. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to live on my own and pay my bills on time by myself and have car insurance. But this progress is at such a slow, slow, pace and working here assisting the people who are doing real jobs just makes me realize how my living is so far below my potential…

So, we are gathered here today to find solutions to our lives. To figure out how to go from dreams to reality. To take action. To take action. To take action. To take action. I think this makes the most diference. In the midsts of our darkest moments, to take action towards the light. What are the options? Death is not an option. Drowning is not an option. Spending life harboring unexpressed potential is not an option. Constant hate and pain is not an option.

How long does it take? I don’t know. Sometimes we have fallen very far and it takes a while to get back up. When does the pain and the darkness end? When do we see the manifestation of our dream come true? I don’t know. But I have to believe that every action makes a difference. I have to believe that my prayers are not in vain. I have to believe that even though it may be slow, there will be progress… There must be progress because for every action, every action, there’s a reaction.

The breakdowns don’t matter so much anymore. The fear doesn’t matter so much. It doesn’t matter if people think I’m crazy or a loser or whatever. What matters is what I think about myself and what I am doing about it. Can you believe that in my worst of moments I have learned self confidence? Can you believe that I have learned about kindness? Can you believe that I have learned to value myself and demand love? Can you believe that I actually think I have something to offer to the world? Can you believe that I see the beauty in companionship? I have learned much and there is still much to learn.

I am so thankful for this forum where I can express myself and sort things out. God, my prayer is that my life will be of use to someone, somewhere, somehow… Ameen.

Day 232

On Becoming A Verb (There Will Be Progress)

From → New Beginnings

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